1. I'm sorry, I bet your tongue
it's been a while.
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2. I'm sorry I taste like
Korean cigarettes.
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3. Tobacco's the only thing
with protein over there.
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4. Their meat is just
def lated kickballs.
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5. How are you feeling?
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6. Ready to put this all
behind me.
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7. I don't even want to think about
the things they made me do.
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8. Earlier today,
America's credit rating
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9. was downgraded
to triple fart-minus.
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10. You poor thing,
over there all alone.
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11. Ahoy there.
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12. Jack,
this is Scott Scottsman.
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13. Scott Scottsman.
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14. My ears are all plugged up
from the plane.
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15. Am I talking too loud?
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16. Scott was forced
to do sports
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17. on American news Channel USA.
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18. Avery Jessup with news.
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19. Scott Scottsman
with sports.
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20. And it's me,
Johnny Mountain,
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21. with the weather on the one
and the traffic on the one.
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22. You no ask how I do it.
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23. It's a funny story, really.
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24. I was working for KSCT,
our of Scottsdale.
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25. They sent me to South Korea
to do a "where are they now?"
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26. On the pitcher Byung-Hyun Kim.
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27. Turns out he's still
living in America,
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28. and I get kidnapped.
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29. Uhhuh.
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30. I had no idea there was
another hostage there.
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31. A man.
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32. Right. Well,
we should get home.
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33. For American news Channel USA,
this is Avery Jessup.
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34. And I'm Scott Scottsman...
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35. Reminding all of you
there is no weekend.
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36. 30 ROCK
S06 Ep 21 - The Return of Avery Jessup
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37. - Good morning.
- You're up early.
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38. I'm putting together a knock
list for the work upstairs.
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39. What do you think about
an intercom?
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40. That way, if it's an office,
you can call down.
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41. Right. Well, if I did
ever have a... plant with you
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42. or whatever...
I mean, at my age,
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43. we might have to get
an Asian plant
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44. or accept an older plant
with some behavioral issues,
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45. and we're a little afraid
of it...
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46. Do you want an intercom, Liz?
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47. Yes. Sure.
To hear the plant.
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48. I'm sorry. It's just
the more we talk about this,
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49. it's scary.
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50. I mean, that plant's not coming
out of your butt, pal,
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51. it's coming out of mine.
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52. All right, well, look,
to do everything,
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53. - it's gonna be around ten grand.
- Duck?
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54. I'm gonna do as much
work as possible,
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55. but I don't think it's safe for me to do
the wiring in an old building like this.
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56. The walls are filled
with electrocuted mice.
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57. Well, I could dip into
my 401K...
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58. Is something I've heard
old people say in commercials.
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59. Well, I could chip in.
If you take my prof its
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60. from the hot dog truck
and add 'em to the $300
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61. my aunt gave me for Christmas,
I'd have $200.
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62. - Yeah.
- Right.
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63. Let me think about it,
but I've got to get to work.
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64. Boy, I sound
just like my dad.
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65. Which, I guess,
makes me Mrs. Lemon.
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66. Seriously, though,
I gotta get to work.
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67. I gotta get to yoga
and lunch with the girls.
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68. Tracy, who sponsored
your wedding?
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69. I don't know. There was
a lot of fanta there,
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70. and the police, so maybe
they co-sponsored it?
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71. That's right, you were
a nobody when you got married.
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72. Only huge stars get
to have their wedding sponsored.
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73. Ms. Maroney,
a wedding is a simple
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74. and beautiful ceremony
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75. where an old man
and a crying girl
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76. get pushed into
the coupling shed.
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77. No, if you don't have
a sponsor these days,
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78. you're nobody.
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79. My sponsor is
the Southern Tourism Bureau.
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80. It's perfect 'cause
I'm sort of a down-home,
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81. America's sweetheart type.
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82. Leonardi, my hair psychic,
is always saying
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83. how down to Earth I am.
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84. I know the Southern
tourism bureau.
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85. They pay me a yearly stipend
to stay in New York.
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86. They're paying for me
and Paul to get married
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87. on an old plantation.
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88. Which is great 'cause our wedding
was gonna be slavery-themed anyway.
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89. All I have to do is
shoot a commercial
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90. and say,
"Dixie is calling, you all.
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91. I reckon you should answer."
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92. Are you sure
you're saying that right?
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93. Of course I. I have
a natural Southern accent,
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94. 'cause I'm from
le flori-dah pahn-hahndle.
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95. You know, a lot of people
lose their accents
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96. once they leave home
and go off to the big city.
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97. Before moving here, I done used
to talk-n-jaw like this, see?
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98. And when I'm at work,
I use my white-people voice.
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99. You should see how we talk
in the Bronx.
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100. Raar blarg shmoo-boo wagga!
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101. I'm sorry, sir, I have
no idea what you're saying.
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102. I'm sure it's nothing
that I can't fix
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103. with a little accent work.
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104. I'm not gonna let it ruin
my dream wedding.
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105. It's only a dream wedding?
Thank God!
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106. I did not want to attend.
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107. All set, Jack.
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108. - Did Liddy go down?
- Eventually.
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109. Understandably,
she's a little wary of me.
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110. I heard her ask her bear
who the dye job is.
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111. Don't worry about it.
You're home now,
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112. we're Jack and Avery,
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113. and we are going to crush
this return to normalcy.
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114. Absolutely.
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115. It's gonna be like
I was never away.
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116. Absolutely.
Frankly,
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117. not too much has changed.
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118. There is an iPod 3
and a Mitt Romney 4.
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119. They worked all the bugs out.
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120. He's not killing hobos
at night any more.
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121. And tomorrow,
I am going to throw you
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122. a Thanks-Christmas-Valen-Easter-Ween
of July party.
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123. Genius. We'll celebrate all the
holidays I missed in one night.
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124. We are gonna be
so normal so fast!
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125. I've already started
my job search.
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126. I'm making a new reel.
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127. I actually did
some good work over there.
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128. Scott and I co-reported
on the North Koreans
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129. sweeping the Olympics.
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130. - They did, right?
- Yes... Scott.
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131. I'm so glad there was
someone there for you
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132. during this, uh, ordeal.
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133. Look, Jack, I know we can put
everything back the way it was.
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134. There's just one thing
I need to say first.
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135. I didn't wear
your nightgowns.
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136. If they seem
stretched out,
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137. it's because
you're remembering wrong.
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138. No, Jack, what I want
to say is...
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139. If anything happened
while I was gone
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140. between you
and someone else...
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141. It doesn't matter now.
Okay?
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142. All is forgiven.
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143. Okay, Jenna, I need
some relationship advice.
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144. Well, you've come
to the right place.
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145. I've been writing
a sex column for Cosmo.
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146. Cosmo is
my 14-year-old neighbor.
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147. He doesn't know anything.
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148. No, it's not about sex.
It's about money.
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149. Liz!
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150. Sex, money, power, fire,
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151. choking, being dragged
behind a speed boat...
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152. It's all the same thing.
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153. Look, you and I
are both in situations
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154. where we're the breadwinner.
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155. How do you and Paul
deal with that?
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156. We love it.
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157. Gender role-reversal
is such a turn-on.
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158. Paul keeps the house nice,
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159. and I try
to get him pregnant.
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160. And the best part is,
if I want to treat myself
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161. to a new pair
of Christy LaButtons,
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162. I don't have to
ask any man for $17.
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163. - I'm sorry, Christy who?
- LaButtons.
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164. They're knockoff
Christian Louboutins.
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165. I got tired of ruining
$1,200 shoes
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166. trying to impregnate
my boyfriend.
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167. You know something,
against all odds,
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168. you have a point.
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169. Feminism promised us
two things...
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170. Fatter dolls, and an end
to traditional gender roles.
Copy !req
171. Why am I fighting this?
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172. So what if I make
more money than Criss?
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173. Exactly.
It doesn't bother me.
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174. Doesn't bother Oprah.
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175. It sure doesn't seem
to bother Criss.
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176. He's at yoga right now.
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177. You wear the pants, Liz.
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178. You don't necessarily
pull them off
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179. because of your hips,
but you wear them.
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180. So embrace it!
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181. Lemon, Avery's missed
the past 12 months
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182. of popular culture.
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183. Could you put together
a presentation for tomorrow?
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184. An hour, tops.
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185. An hour for the year?
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186. Am I supposed to just
scratch the surface
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187. of channing Tatum's
meteoric rise?
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188. Lemon, Avery did
something strange this morning.
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189. They brainwashed her,
didn't they?
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190. Avery said something
this morning...
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191. Something shocking.
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192. That no matter what happened
while she was gone,
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193. "all is forgiven."
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194. And that's bad?
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195. It seems awfully nice
of her, considering.
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196. Exactly. Awfully nice.
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197. Does that sound like Avery
to you?
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198. - Well, no.
- That woman does not forgive.
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199. She's still furious
with Al Gore
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200. for stealing George Bush's
idea to have an Internet.
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201. And now she's forgiving me?
Why?
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202. Because she wants to change
the conversation
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203. because she's done something
she doesn't want to talk about.
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204. And what do people
not want to talk about?
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205. Soccer, jazz, infidelity.
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206. Okay, first of all,
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207. I don't know what you
count as cheating,
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208. but she was forced
to marry someone else.
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209. Kim Jong-Un, Lemon.
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210. Have you seen news footage
of that man?
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211. I have so many missile!
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212. I even have
nuclear missile.
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213. Just for you,
sugarprong.
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214. There was another
American there, Lemon.
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215. A man. It raises
some red flags.
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216. My God.
Who are you to talk?
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217. You French-Canadian kissed
her mother,
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218. which is my name
for French kissing
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219. when it bums
everybody else out.
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220. Yes. Brilliant.
I'll use my indiscretion
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221. to guilt her into
revealing hers.
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222. The game is afoot!
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223. No. She's been back
for, like six hours.
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224. Maybe take a little time,
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225. let things get back
to normal.
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226. Playing psycho-sexual
mind games is our normal, Lemon.
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227. This is perfect.
Everything's perfect.
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228. Dadgum possum up and what
been bit my mother's neck brace.
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229. Dadgum possum up and what
been bit my mother's neck brace.
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230. - Again!
- Dadgum possum up and what been
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231. my mom's neck brace.
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232. Again, you waste
of my time!
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233. Dadgum possum up'n what bit
my mama's neck brace!
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234. There it is.
Again!
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235. Excellent.
Again!
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236. Dixie's callin', y'all.
I reckon you should answer.
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237. No, this isn't right.
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238. This isn't Southern elegance.
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239. This is a dirtbag girl
I once knew.
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240. A girl named Jay-nuh!
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241. She used to get into
fistfights at water parks,
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242. and lost her virginity to a bait
salesman on a water bed.
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243. She's not who I am any more.
I'm classy.
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244. People who say that
about themselves usually are.
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245. This whole Southern thing
is wrong.
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246. I need to find
a new wedding sponsor
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247. that's as classy
as I am.
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248. I'm not this person,
'cause I done got rid of her!
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249. Kim Jong-Il could not
be reached for comment
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250. because he was having
a totally normal day
Copy !req
251. being alive and not dead.
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252. And now with sports,
Scott Scottsman.
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253. Thanks, Avery.
In NBA action,
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254. Kim Jong-Un won
the championship today.
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255. Our brilliant comrade
scored 200 points
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256. and then went hot-tubbing
with a couple guys
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257. he's definitely
just friends with.
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258. Hi.
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259. Look, I've been thinking
about what you said earlier
Copy !req
260. about forgiveness...
It was beautiful.
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261. But I would feel very guilty
if I kept anything from you,
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262. as I know you would if you
kept something from me.
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263. So while you were away,
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264. I did have feelings
for another woman.
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265. Thank you.
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266. I forgive you.
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267. You lose, Jack...
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268. Is what Kim Jong-Il said
to Jack Nicklaus
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269. after def eating him
in golf today
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270. because they're both
totally alive.
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271. You went out
and bought a Fedora.
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272. This? I finally watched
the premiere
Copy !req
273. of Prime suspect on Hulu.
It's really very good.
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274. Anyway, I thought
I would treat myself.
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275. But don't worry, I'm gonna
take care of you too.
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276. Okay, but look,
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277. I still want to chip in
on this renovation.
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278. And clean out
your life savings?
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279. Why don't you take
that $200
Copy !req
280. and buy yourself
something cute?
Copy !req
281. Here's a hint.
I like zippers.
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282. I'm a man.
I'm a man, I'm a man!
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283. I'm an adult man!
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284. You think I like you having
to pay for everything?
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285. It's humiliating.
Copy !req
286. But gender roles,
fat dolls...
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287. You think I like having
to earn crisspoints
Copy !req
288. so that I can take you on dates
that you actually pay for?
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289. I thought you liked
the crisspoints system.
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290. Only because liking
the crisspoints system
Copy !req
291. is one of the ways
I earn crisspoints!
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292. Okay, I'm sorry that I
offended your male pride,
Copy !req
293. but you're the one who chose
to sell hot dogs out of a car.
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294. It is a van
with a car engine, Liz, okay?
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295. Now, look, if your show
gets canceled, okay,
Copy !req
296. or NBC just becomes
a web site
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297. that sells
used office supplies,
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298. I'd like to know that
I can take care of you.
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299. And now we're talking
about having a plant?
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300. It's stressing me out!
Copy !req
301. Really?
It's stressing you out?
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302. Of course, because you're
the person
Copy !req
303. who has to krang that plant
for nine months,
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304. poop it, and then go back
to work to support both of you!
Copy !req
305. Uhhuh.
So what you're saying is
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306. you need somebody different
to do this with.
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307. Somebody with money
that's probably named Spencer
Copy !req
308. or Grant.
Copy !req
309. And he has a watch,
and an office with a trash can
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310. and a little basketball hoop
on it.
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311. And he plays as hard
as he works because, damn it,
Copy !req
312. he deserves to blow off
a little steam.
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313. God, I don't wanna be
with Spencer!
Copy !req
314. And yet you're silent
about Grant.
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315. Well, guess what...
I'm gonna become Grant.
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316. That's right, tomorrow
I'm gonna take my truck out,
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317. and I'm gonna start
pulling my weight, like a man.
Copy !req
318. Now, get in that bed,
and let's watch Dance moms.
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319. Girl.
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320. Are you crying because
there are no roles
Copy !req
321. for actresses in their 40s,
nor should there be?
Copy !req
322. I thought I found a classy
new sponsor for my wedding,
Copy !req
323. but then something happened.
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324. Hubbard's flavorless
english water biscuits...
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325. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
326. Hubbard's flavorless
english water biscuits...
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327. - Cut!
- They fired me.
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328. We did 50 takes,
and I couldn't do it.
Copy !req
329. 50? That's nothing.
I once did 100 takes
Copy !req
330. and still couldn't say
the word "incorrigible."
Copy !req
331. Great, now I get it!
Copy !req
332. Siri, bring Jessica Tandy
back to life.
Copy !req
333. I thought that girl
from toilet swamp cove
Copy !req
334. was dead and buried,
Copy !req
335. but she's always been there
inside me,
Copy !req
336. and now she's taking over.
Copy !req
337. I want to throw a natty light
at a cop car!
Copy !req
338. I have someone
inside me too.
Copy !req
339. It's a bath toy
of a scuba diver.
Copy !req
340. I need to take a walk
and clear my head
Copy !req
341. Tracy...
Copy !req
342. Jessica Tandy's zombie
is coming to find you.
Copy !req
343. Is that correct?
Copy !req
344. Yes, siri.
Thank you, baby.
Copy !req
345. So, Lemon, I took your advice
Copy !req
346. and used my transgression with Diana,
Copy !req
347. as a weapon
to interrogate Avery,
Copy !req
348. just as you suggested.
Copy !req
349. That is not
what I suggested.
Copy !req
350. You just hear
what you want to hear.
Copy !req
351. Thank you.
They're from Italy.
Copy !req
352. I just gave Avery
a little taste.
Copy !req
353. Said I was attracted
to another woman.
Copy !req
354. Guess what she told me.
Copy !req
355. Nothing.
She just forgave me.
Copy !req
356. Believe me,
I didn't expect her
Copy !req
357. to come out of her
forgiveness bunker so easily,
Copy !req
358. but I really need
to up the ante.
Copy !req
359. Drop a grenade
in that bunker,
Copy !req
360. like Jim Brown
in The Dirty Dozen.
Copy !req
361. Enjoy your party, Nazis!
Copy !req
362. Are you talking about
your wife?
Copy !req
363. God, she's good.
Copy !req
364. This kind of gamesmanship
is why I love her.
Copy !req
365. She has the brain of a man, and
the ass of a French teenager.
Copy !req
366. But I will win.
Copy !req
367. I don't know, Jack,
it's 2012.
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368. It's not always clear who wears
the pants in the family.
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369. I do, Lemon.
I wear the pants.
Copy !req
370. - Good morning.
- Good morning.
Copy !req
371. Nice pants, Avery.
Copy !req
372. And, Liz, good to see you.
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373. You're hair's the same.
Copy !req
374. It's not. Actually,
something terrible happened.
Copy !req
375. I don't have
a lot of time.
Copy !req
376. I have my year-in-finance
presentation after this,
Copy !req
377. and Lloyd Blankfein slithers
back into the sewers
Copy !req
378. to eat rotten fish
at 6:00, so...
Copy !req
379. You know what, I'll just
read some US weeklies.
Copy !req
380. - Thank you, Lemon.
- But it's an hour long,
Copy !req
381. - like you wanted.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
382. Fine.
Copy !req
383. I'm gonna head down
to Goldman early.
Copy !req
384. Avery, I should
tell you something.
Copy !req
385. I wasn't completely honest
Copy !req
386. when I was being
completely honest earlier.
Copy !req
387. Let me stop you right there.
Copy !req
388. I forgave you so that we
wouldn't have to discuss this.
Copy !req
389. Let me stop you right there
from stopping me right there.
Copy !req
390. I know why you forgave me.
Copy !req
391. But the woman I mentioned,
we kissed.
Copy !req
392. And I know I would hate it
if you kept something
Copy !req
393. like that from me, so...
Copy !req
394. So... I forgive you.
Copy !req
395. And no matter what you say,
Copy !req
396. I am always going to
forgive you.
Copy !req
397. Always.
Copy !req
398. Aha! What do you think?
Pretty awesome,
Copy !req
399. It's a brand new
location, Liz.
Copy !req
400. I got a subway entrance
right here,
Copy !req
401. and I got a tour bus stop
right there.
Copy !req
402. Also, FOX News is
right across the street,
Copy !req
403. and word is Greta Van Susteren
eats hot dogs like slimer.
Copy !req
404. Yeah, who's usually here?
Copy !req
405. Right, those creepy,
off-brand
Copy !req
406. sesame street characters
that harass tourists
Copy !req
407. into paying them
to take pictures with them.
Copy !req
408. I hate those guys.
Copy !req
409. As a sesame street purist,
Copy !req
410. I don't think Elmo usually
tells passing women
Copy !req
411. - the they have a sweet dumper.
- Move it!
Copy !req
412. - This is our corner, pal!
- You don't own this corner.
Copy !req
413. And I got a family
to support, like a man.
Copy !req
414. - Don't hit my cheekbones!
- Stop it!
Copy !req
415. Get off him, Elmo!
Copy !req
416. Legally, I have to say
I'm Elmarg!
Copy !req
417. Them puppets done picked
Copy !req
418. the wrong day to cross
my kin!
Copy !req
419. It's on,
panhandle style!
Copy !req
420. Well, it's over.
Copy !req
421. I'm never gonna get
a wedding sponsor now.
Copy !req
422. That dirtbag Jay-nuh won.
Copy !req
423. I wanted my wedding to be
an expression of who I am,
Copy !req
424. and now it will be.
Copy !req
425. I'm a panhandle hick,
Copy !req
426. and my wedding will be
just another panel
Copy !req
427. on my mother's family history
back tattoo.
Copy !req
428. Come on,
it's not all that bad.
Copy !req
429. Look at that caption.
Copy !req
430. "Aging star Jenna Maroney,
beats up Elmo with her..."
Copy !req
431. So you own things.
That's good.
Copy !req
432. "Christian..."
That's always a good word.
Copy !req
433. Wait, did they say
"Christian" about my shoes?
Copy !req
434. "With her
Christian Louboutins."
Copy !req
435. They didn't know that my shoes
were cheap knockoffs.
Copy !req
436. They thought they were fancy,
Copy !req
437. even though
they're secretly crap.
Copy !req
438. That's it.
That's who I am!
Copy !req
439. I'm that knockoff
designer shoe.
Copy !req
440. My outside is
shiny and pretty,
Copy !req
441. but my inside is filled
with cardboard and horse glue.
Copy !req
442. I've solved
my identity crisis!
Copy !req
443. More importantly, I know
who can sponsor my wedding!
Copy !req
444. No, I think it's a very
cool costume, mayor Bloomberg.
Copy !req
445. Tonight,
I'm mayor Booo-mberg.
Copy !req
446. Yes, I think
you've mentioned that.
Copy !req
447. Booo... booo...
Copy !req
448. Scott.
Copy !req
449. Happy birthdaversary,
honey.
Copy !req
450. Jack, this homecoming's
been amazing.
Copy !req
451. Nice to see you relaxing
and enjoying yourself,
Copy !req
452. and totally unprepared
for a forgiveness attack.
Copy !req
453. - What?
- Avery...
Copy !req
454. What?
Copy !req
455. The woman I kissed
is your mother.
Copy !req
456. That is... shocking.
Copy !req
457. But I told you
all is forgiven,
Copy !req
458. so... all is forgiven.
Copy !req
459. What do I have to say
to guilt the truth out of you?
Copy !req
460. How about this?
A few months ago,
Copy !req
461. Liddy broke into
the gun safe
Copy !req
462. and shot up
your gift-wrapping room.
Copy !req
463. I did wear your nightgowns.
Copy !req
464. Not to feel you near,
they're just comfortable.
Copy !req
465. I had an erotic dream about
an adult Dora the explorer.
Copy !req
466. I took her on a balcony
in Madrid,
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467. above the Plaza Mayor.
Copy !req
468. She had flowers
in her hair.
Copy !req
469. Now I've admitted everything.
Copy !req
470. Game over, Avery.
Tell me what you did.
Copy !req
471. I'll tell you exactly
what I did, Jack.
Copy !req
472. - I won.
- You what?
Copy !req
473. I got you to tell me
everything you did.
Copy !req
474. And guess what...
I didn't do anything.
Copy !req
475. - But Scott Scottsman...
- Until the flight home,
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476. the only words I'd ever said
to Scott Scottsman were,
Copy !req
477. "and now with sports,
Scott Scottsman."
Copy !req
478. I thought I was playing you,
Copy !req
479. and you were playing me
the whole time.
Copy !req
480. And in 24 hours,
I got you to tell me things
Copy !req
481. it would have taken you years
to admit.
Copy !req
482. Now we can start over.
Copy !req
483. The final piece of the puzzle
is just me forgiving you
Copy !req
484. for,
kissing my mother!
Copy !req
485. We did it.
Everything's normal.
Copy !req
486. - USA!
- It's classic us.
Copy !req
487. Damn it, Jessup,
I'd marry you all over again!
Copy !req
488. That's what we're gonna do.
We've gonna renew our vows.
Copy !req
489. - We need a new blender anyway.
- Baby.
Copy !req
490. Sorry I'm late.
Copy !req
491. Criss got into a fight with an Elmo.
Copy !req
492. And he hates it that
I make more money than he does.
Copy !req
493. And I don't know, maybe we're not
supposed to have a plant together.
Copy !req
494. - Love is complicated, right?
- Wrong.
Copy !req
495. - We kicked love's ass!
- Yes!
Copy !req
496. We're renewing our vows.
Copy !req
497. No, no, renewing vows
is a kiss of death.
Copy !req
498. You should have let me
finish my rap.
Copy !req
499. There was a whole verse
about it!
Copy !req
500. Lemon.
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501. It's the kiss of death, yo!
Copy !req
502. I reject Chris Brown's comeback!
Lemon out!
Copy !req
503. Here at off-brandheelz. Com,
Copy !req
504. we've got all the brands
that fit your needs
Copy !req
505. and your budget.
Copy !req
506. Johnny Choon,
Dolce and Banana,
Copy !req
507. Merolo Blornig, Prader,
Gukki, DKNI,
Copy !req
508. Alexandorp McKing,
Diana Von Fistenbug,
Copy !req
509. and Jessica Simpson.
Copy !req
510. We've got all the brands
that fit your needs.
Copy !req
511. Job interviews, running
from your parole officer,
Copy !req
512. attending a theater opening,
Copy !req
513. breaking into your mom's house
to steal her cable box.
Copy !req
514. off-brandheelz.com,
naturally fayun-cy.
Copy !req