1. Coming?Copy !req
2. No.Copy !req
3. It'll be
a once-in-a-lifetime experience!Copy !req
4. - No, it won't.
- Oh.Copy !req
5. Everybody's going!Copy !req
6. Don't exaggerate, Percy.Copy !req
7. I'm not going, Mrs Miggins
from the pie shop isn't going...Copy !req
8. Oh, My Lord, you are cruel.Copy !req
9. You know perfectly well that Mrs Miggins
is bed-ridden from the nose down.Copy !req
10. And besides, she is honouring
the occasion in her own special wayCopy !req
11. by baking a great commemorative pie
in the shape of an enormous pie!Copy !req
12. - What an imagination that woman has.
- (CROWD CHEERS)Copy !req
13. Hurray!Copy !req
14. Oh, come on, Edmund!Copy !req
15. The greatest explorer of our age
is coming home.Copy !req
16. The streets have never been so gay.Copy !req
17. Women are laughing,
children are singing.Copy !req
18. Oh, look, look!Copy !req
19. There's a man being indecently assaulted
by nine foreign sailors,Copy !req
20. and he's still got a smile on his face!Copy !req
21. Look, Percy, the return ofCopy !req
22. Sir Walter
Oh-What-A-Big-Ship-I've-Got Raleigh,Copy !req
23. is a matter of supreme
indifference to me.Copy !req
24. Look, if you're not careful,Copy !req
25. all the children will dance
about outside your window,Copy !req
26. singing "sour puss" and "grumpy face".Copy !req
27. And you wouldn't want that, now,
would you?Copy !req
28. I believe I could survive it.Copy !req
29. Now, Percy, will you get out
before I cut your head off,Copy !req
30. scoop out the insides,
and give it to your mother as a vase?Copy !req
31. What a clot!Copy !req
32. The most absurdly-dressed creature
in Christendom.Copy !req
33. With one exception.Copy !req
34. My Lord.Copy !req
35. Baldrick, you look like a deer.Copy !req
36. Thank you, My Lord.
You look a bit of a duckie yourself.Copy !req
37. Oh, God. What do you want?Copy !req
38. Well, I was wondering
if I might I have the afternoon off?Copy !req
39. Of course not!
Who do you think you are, Wat Tyler?Copy !req
40. You can have the afternoon off
when you die, not before.Copy !req
41. But I want to cheer
brave Sir Walter home.Copy !req
42. Oh, dear sir, on a day
like today I feel proudCopy !req
43. to be a member of the greatest kingdom
in the world.Copy !req
44. And doubtless many other members
of the animal kingdom feel the same way.Copy !req
45. Hurray!Copy !req
46. Will you shut up!Copy !req
47. Bloody explorers!Copy !req
48. Ponce off to mumbo-jumbo land,
come home with a tropical disease,Copy !req
49. a suntan and a bag of brown
lumpy things, and Bob's your uncleCopy !req
50. and everyone's got a picture
of them in the lavatory!Copy !req
51. I mean, what about the people
who do all the work?Copy !req
52. - The servants?
- No, me!Copy !req
53. I'm the people who do all the work.Copy !req
54. I mean, look at this! What is it?Copy !req
55. I'm surprised you've forgotten, My Lord.Copy !req
56. I haven't forgotten,
it's a rhetorical question.Copy !req
57. - Nah, it's a potato.
- Look...Copy !req
58. To you it's a potato,
to me it's a potato.Copy !req
59. But to Sir Walter "bloody" Raleigh,Copy !req
60. it's country estates, fine carriages,Copy !req
61. and as many girls
as his tongue can cope with.Copy !req
62. He's making a fortune out of the things.Copy !req
63. People are smoking them,
building houses out of them...Copy !req
64. They'll be eating them next.Copy !req
65. - Stranger things have happened.
- Well, exactly.Copy !req
66. - That horse becoming Pope.
- For one.Copy !req
67. Oh, God.Copy !req
68. Probably some berk
with a parrot on his shoulder,Copy !req
69. selling plaster gnomes of
Sir Frances Drake and his golden behind.Copy !req
70. (CHANTING)
Sour puss, grumpy face,Copy !req
71. sour puss, grumpy face,
sour puss, grumpy face,Copy !req
72. sour puss, grumpy face,
sour puss, grumpy face...Copy !req
73. (SCREAMS) Mummy!Copy !req
74. And another thing,
why aren't you at school?Copy !req
75. Ah, Blackadder,
started talking to yourself I see.Copy !req
76. Yes, it's the only way I can be sure
of intelligent conversation.Copy !req
77. What do you want?Copy !req
78. Well, I just looked in on my way to
the palace to welcome Sir Walter home.Copy !req
79. I wondered if you'd care
to accompany me.Copy !req
80. I don't think I'll bother, actually.
Three hours of bluff seaman's talkCopy !req
81. about picking the weevils
out of biscuits and drinking urineCopy !req
82. is not my idea of a good time.Copy !req
83. As you wish.Copy !req
84. Servant, my hat.Copy !req
85. - Potato?
- Thanks, I don't.Copy !req
86. I see you haven't succumbed
to this fad of dressing upCopy !req
87. like half an allotment
in Nottingham Forest.Copy !req
88. - There you go, My Lord.
- Thank you.Copy !req
89. - You have.
- Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
90. It's probably just as well
you're not coming, Blackadder.Copy !req
91. You're not very popular at court at
the moment, and the Queen and I have...Copy !req
92. Yes, well, I could probably leave thisCopy !req
93. - till tomorrow...
- No, you shouldn't...Copy !req
94. - No, no, no. No problem.
- You're a busy man...Copy !req
95. No, I'll be coming with you.Copy !req
96. Obviously the Queen and I
are going to beCopy !req
97. the only ones
even vaguely sensibly dressed.Copy !req
98. Who is it?Copy !req
99. - Melchett, My Lady.
- Er, stop!Copy !req
100. Close your eyes.Copy !req
101. Now enter.Copy !req
102. Ahoy, there,
me shivering matey heave-ho!Copy !req
103. Right. Open your eyes.Copy !req
104. Thank you, Majesty. And, erm...Copy !req
105. What's the matter, Melchett?Copy !req
106. Well, I beg your pardon, My Lady, I...Copy !req
107. I was wanting to greet the gallant
sailor who hallooed me as I came in.Copy !req
108. Ooh!Copy !req
109. Er, perchance he has
hauled anchor and sailed away?Copy !req
110. No, it was me!Copy !req
111. Majesty!Copy !req
112. Surely not.Copy !req
113. You utter creep.Copy !req
114. So, where's this barnacle-bottomed,
haddock-flavoured, bilge rat,Copy !req
115. Sir Rather-A-Wally Raleigh, then?Copy !req
116. I hear he's about as exciting
as one of his potatoes.Copy !req
117. Ha-ha! Blackadder's
a frightful old lover, eh, Melchie?Copy !req
118. And indubitably no sea dog, ma'am.Copy !req
119. With a yo-ho-ho,
and, perhaps I might venture,Copy !req
120. a bottle of rum into the bargain.Copy !req
121. - (ELIZABETH GIGGLES)
- (WHISTLING)Copy !req
122. It's him!Copy !req
123. Oh, God.Copy !req
124. Do I look absolutely divine
and regal, and yetCopy !req
125. and at the same time,
very pretty and rather accessible?Copy !req
126. You are every jolly Jack Tar's
dream, Majesty.Copy !req
127. I thought as much.Copy !req
128. If he's really gorgeous,
I'm thinking of marrying him.Copy !req
129. Ma'am, is that not a little rash?Copy !req
130. I don't think so!Copy !req
131. It wouldn't be
your first little rash if it was.Copy !req
132. Ooh!
- (WHISTLING)Copy !req
133. - Majesty!
- (APPLAUSE)Copy !req
134. Splice me timbers, Sir Walter.Copy !req
135. It's bucko to see you, old matey!Copy !req
136. I'm sorry?Copy !req
137. She says, "Hello."Copy !req
138. And, well, she might. For I have
bought her gifts and dominions,Copy !req
139. beyond her wildest dreams!Copy !req
140. Are you sure?Copy !req
141. Well, I have some pretty
wild dreams, you know.Copy !req
142. I'm not sure what they mean,
but the other day there wasCopy !req
143. this enormous tree
and I was sitting right on top of it...Copy !req
144. Ma'am.Copy !req
145. And then I dreamt once
that I was a sausage roll...Copy !req
146. Majesty.Copy !req
147. Sorry.Copy !req
148. I'm so excited,
I don't know what I'm saying.Copy !req
149. - Yes.
- Oh!Copy !req
150. Come on, Sir Walter. I want to hear
about absolutely everything!Copy !req
151. Then prepare to hear tales
of terrible hardship, endurance and woe.Copy !req
152. Hmm.Copy !req
153. Ah!Copy !req
154. We set sail from Plymouth,
in the spring of 1552.Copy !req
155. You remember Lord Blackadder?Copy !req
156. No.Copy !req
157. But I can see he is the sort of pasty
land-lover I have always despised.Copy !req
158. Well, quite!Copy !req
159. Don't crowd Sir Walter, Edmund!Copy !req
160. Twice last week, I fought
in hand-to-hand combatCopy !req
161. with a man with two heads
and no body hair.Copy !req
162. I'll warrant, the most exciting thing
that has happened to thatCopy !req
163. limpid prawn in a whole yearCopy !req
164. was the day the servant
forgot to put sugar in his porridge.Copy !req
165. Gosh, you've got nice legs.Copy !req
166. While I hold the six seas
of the world in my hand,Copy !req
167. he couldn't even put
six gob-stoppers in his mouth.Copy !req
168. He's a complete no-hoper,
isn't he, Walt?Copy !req
169. He certainly is!Copy !req
170. Oh, my bedroom's just upstairs,
you know.Copy !req
171. I apprehended, Sir Walter,
that there were only seven seas.Copy !req
172. Ah, only numerically speaking.Copy !req
173. We sailors do not count
the sea around the Cape of Good Hope.Copy !req
174. It is called the "Sea of Certain Death",Copy !req
175. and no sailor has crossed it alive.Copy !req
176. Well, well, well.
What an extraordinary coincidence!Copy !req
177. What's an extraordinary coincidence?Copy !req
178. Oh, it's just that I was
planning a jauntCopy !req
179. around the Cape of Good Hope myself.Copy !req
180. I'm leaving a week on Thursday, I think.Copy !req
181. - Really?
- Yes, and now that, erm...Copy !req
182. Sorry, I've forgotten your name,Copy !req
183. has returned,
and the whole court smells of fish,Copy !req
184. I've half a mind
to set off this afternoon.Copy !req
185. If you attempt that journey,
you've no mind at all.Copy !req
186. Or perhaps a mind that knows no fear.Copy !req
187. Is that true, Edmund?
Do you know no fear?Copy !req
188. Well, yes, I do rather laugh
in the face of fear,Copy !req
189. tweak the nose of terror.Copy !req
190. Gosh, Edmund,
I'd forgotten how dishy you are.Copy !req
191. You'd never dare.Copy !req
192. Why, round the Cape, the rain beats down
so hard it makes your head bleed.Copy !req
193. So, some sort of hat
is probably in order.Copy !req
194. And great dragons leap from the water
and swallow ships whole!Copy !req
195. I must remember to pack
the larger of my two shrimping nets.Copy !req
196. Oh, Edmund, you're completely wonderful.Copy !req
197. If you do this, I'll probably marry you.Copy !req
198. Oh, yes? And who will be your captain?Copy !req
199. Hmm. To my mind,
there's only one sea-farerCopy !req
200. with few enough marbles
to attempt that journey.Copy !req
201. Ah, yes, and who's that?Copy !req
202. Why, Rum, of course!
Captain Redbeard Rum.Copy !req
203. Well done! Just testing.Copy !req
204. And where would I find him on a Tuesday?Copy !req
205. Well, if I remember his habits,
he's usually up the old sea dog.Copy !req
206. Ah, yes, and where is the old sea dog?Copy !req
207. Well, on Tuesday he's
normally in bed with the captain.Copy !req
208. Me laddie.Copy !req
209. (GRUNTING) Indeed!Copy !req
210. So, Rum, I wish to hire you
and your ship.Copy !req
211. - Can we shake on it?
- (YELLS)Copy !req
212. You have a woman's hand, Me Lord.Copy !req
213. I wager these dainty pinkies
never weighed anchor in a storm.Copy !req
214. - Well, you're right there.
- Ha-ha-ha! (GASPS)Copy !req
215. You have a woman's skin, Me Lord.Copy !req
216. I'll wager it ne'er felt
the lash of the cat,Copy !req
217. been rubbed with salt
and then flayed off by a pirate chiefCopy !req
218. to make fine stockings
for his best cabin boy.Copy !req
219. This is uncanny! I don't know
how you do it, but you're right again!Copy !req
220. Why should I let a stupid cockle
like you aboard me boat?Copy !req
221. Perhaps for the money in my purse.Copy !req
222. Ha! (GASPS)Copy !req
223. You have a woman's purse, Me Lord!Copy !req
224. I'll wager that purse
has never been used as a rowing boat!Copy !req
225. I'll wager it's never had
16 shipwrecked mariners tossing in it.Copy !req
226. Yes, well, right again, Rum. I must say,Copy !req
227. when it comes to tales of courage,Copy !req
228. I can see I'm going to have to
keep my mouth shut.Copy !req
229. Oh! You have a woman's mouth, Me Lord.Copy !req
230. I wager that mouth never had
to chew through the side of a shipCopy !req
231. to escape the dreadful
spindly killer fish.Copy !req
232. Yes, I must say, when I came to see you,Copy !req
233. I had no idea I was going to have to
eat your ship as well as hire it.Copy !req
234. And since you're clearly
as mad as a mongoose,Copy !req
235. I'll bid you farewell.Copy !req
236. Damn courtiers to the Queen.Copy !req
237. You're nothing but lap-dogs
to a slip of a girl.Copy !req
238. Better a lap-dog
to a slip of a girl than a...Copy !req
239. git!Copy !req
240. Ha-ha!Copy !req
241. So you do have some spunk in ya!Copy !req
242. Don't worry, laddie.
I'll come! I'll come!Copy !req
243. Well, let us set sail as soon as we can.Copy !req
244. I will fetch my first mate, and return
as fast as my legs will carry me.Copy !req
245. Oh, you have a woman's legs, Me Lord.Copy !req
246. I'll wager those are legs that haveCopy !req
247. never been sliced
clean off by a fallen sail,Copy !req
248. and swept into the sea
before your very eyes.Copy !req
249. Well, neither have yours.Copy !req
250. That's where you're wrong!Copy !req
251. Oh, my God.Copy !req
252. No point in changing your mind now.
No one else will come.Copy !req
253. The whole thing's suicide, anyway.Copy !req
254. What's the first mate's name?Copy !req
255. - Percy.
- A nautical cove?Copy !req
256. Yes.Copy !req
257. Well, he's a sort of...Copy !req
258. wet fish.Copy !req
259. I'm not coming! I'm just not coming!Copy !req
260. I mean, of course I'm very keen
to go on the trip.Copy !req
261. It's just, unfortunately,Copy !req
262. I've got an appointmentCopy !req
263. to have my nostrils pluckedCopy !req
264. next year.Copy !req
265. Oh, I'm sorry, My Lord, I thought it was
'cause you were a complete coward.Copy !req
266. Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick!
You know me! I mean...Copy !req
267. I laugh in the face of fear,Copy !req
268. and tweak the noseCopy !req
269. of the dreadful spindly killer fish.Copy !req
270. I'm not one of your milksopsCopy !req
271. who's scared out of his mind
by the mere sight of water.Copy !req
272. Yes, all right, I admit it!
I admit it! I'm terrified!Copy !req
273. You see, Bald rick,Copy !req
274. when I was a baby,Copy !req
275. I was savaged by a turbot.Copy !req
276. Oh, Baldrick, you can't think of a plan
to get me out of this, can you?Copy !req
277. - Er, you could hide, My Lord.
- Hide?Copy !req
278. Brilliant! Where?Copy !req
279. Erm...Copy !req
280. In the box!Copy !req
281. - Which one?
- That one.Copy !req
282. Ah! Perfect!Copy !req
283. All rig ht. Rig ht.Copy !req
284. Let's practice.Copy !req
285. Right, er, Edmund comes in and says,Copy !req
286. "Hello, Baldrick, you haven't
seen Percy, have you?"Copy !req
287. And you say?Copy !req
288. Er, no, My Lord,
I haven't seen him all day.Copy !req
289. - Brilliant!
- (DOOR SLAMS)Copy !req
290. Oh, my God! Here he comes!Copy !req
291. Oh, hello, Balders,
where the hell's that cretin, Percy?Copy !req
292. You haven't seen him, have you?Copy !req
293. Yes, My Lord, he's hiding in the box.Copy !req
294. Come on, jelly brain.Copy !req
295. Hurry up, otherwise we'll miss the tide.Copy !req
296. Oh, Edmund, I'm so proud.Copy !req
297. You're just my complete hero!Copy !req
298. Oh, dear, I'm going all gooey now.Copy !req
299. Ma'am, I'm moved.Copy !req
300. And if during my journey I could believeCopy !req
301. that occasionally
you'd spare me a thought,Copy !req
302. and perhaps go gooey again,Copy !req
303. I would deem my certain death
a minor inconvenience.Copy !req
304. Oh, Ed!Copy !req
305. I've written a poem.Copy !req
306. Madam, I am honoured.Copy !req
307. "When the night is dark"Copy !req
308. "And the dogs go 'bark'"Copy !req
309. "When the clouds are black"Copy !req
310. "And the ducks go 'quack'"Copy !req
311. "When the sky is blue"Copy !req
312. "And the cows go 'moo'"Copy !req
313. Oh, yes!Copy !req
314. "Think of lovely Queenie"Copy !req
315. "She'll be thinking of you"Copy !req
316. - (APPLAUSE)
Oh, bravo!Copy !req
317. It's called Edmund.Copy !req
318. Shakespeare gave me a hand
with the title,Copy !req
319. but the rest is all my own work.Copy !req
320. Tush and fie, my tiddly!Copy !req
321. You didn't always make such
pretty speeches.Copy !req
322. Oh, Lord.Copy !req
323. 'Tis but the twinkling of a toe
since you could sayCopy !req
324. nothing but, "Lizzie go plop, plop.
Lizzie go..."Copy !req
325. Oh, put a bag in it, Nursie.Copy !req
326. Now, I'm sure that Melchie and, er,Copy !req
327. Wally, want to say something as well.Copy !req
328. Oh, yes, indeed!Copy !req
329. Goodbye, Blackadder.Copy !req
330. I'd say bon voyage,
but there's no point.Copy !req
331. You'll be dead in three months.Copy !req
332. I love you, Walter.
I hope you know that.Copy !req
333. Farewell, Blackadder.Copy !req
334. The foremost cartographers
of the land have prepared this for you.Copy !req
335. It's a map of the area
that you'll be traversing.Copy !req
336. They'd be very grateful if you could
just fill it in as you go along.Copy !req
337. Goodbye.Copy !req
338. What's that?Copy !req
339. To Tilbury, me hearties!Copy !req
340. The wind is in the sails,Copy !req
341. the oars are in the rowlocks,Copy !req
342. and we must away!Copy !req
343. Lady, it is my captain.
Long on beard, short on legs.Copy !req
344. Oh, Captain,Copy !req
345. I wish you luck
from the bottom of my heart.Copy !req
346. You have a woman's bottom, My Lady.Copy !req
347. I'll wager that
sweet round pair of peachesCopy !req
348. has never been forced
twixt two splintered planks,Copy !req
349. to plug a leak, and save a ship.Copy !req
350. Certainly hasn't,
and I'm quite pleased about it!Copy !req
351. Anyway, what's wrong
with women's bottoms?Copy !req
352. Not big enough, ma'am.Copy !req
353. (EXCITEDLY) Ah...Copy !req
354. Mine might be!Copy !req
355. Ah!Copy !req
356. In that case,
my little puddin' of delight,Copy !req
357. let's beat about the bush no longer.Copy !req
358. I know I'm only a bluff old cove
with no legs,Copy !req
359. and a beard you can lose a badger in,Copy !req
360. but if you'll take me, I'm willing to be
captain of your ship forever.Copy !req
361. What d'ya say?Copy !req
362. Ooh, ha-ha! Yes, please!Copy !req
363. I'll be back!
We'll all be back! (YELLING)Copy !req
364. Edmund, then this is it!Copy !req
365. Oh. Muah, muah.Copy !req
366. Have you got clean underwear?Copy !req
367. And don't eat foreign food,
and watch out for strange men.Copy !req
368. And discover me a country
and bring me back a vegetable and oh...Copy !req
369. Everything.Copy !req
370. Madam, I shall do all I can.Copy !req
371. Farewell!Copy !req
372. And, er, don't wait up.Copy !req
373. Gosh!Copy !req
374. Well, that's the last we'll see of him.Copy !req
375. In three months' time,
he'll be dead as a...Copy !req
376. dead dodo. Hmm.Copy !req
377. Oh, Sir Walter, really.Copy !req
378. Ho-ho-ho! Sir Walter, really!Copy !req
379. Harr-harr!Copy !req
380. Ha-harr!Copy !req
381. Aa-harr-harr-harr!Copy !req
382. Not joining us in the "ha-harrs", Percy?Copy !req
383. No.Copy !req
384. I'm thinking of England
and the girl I left behind me.Copy !req
385. Oh, God. I didn't know you had a girl.Copy !req
386. Oh, yes, Lady Caroline Fairfax.Copy !req
387. Caroline! I didn't know you knew her.Copy !req
388. Oh, yes. I even touched her once.Copy !req
389. Touched her what?Copy !req
390. Her, once, in a corridor.Copy !req
391. I've never heard it called that before.Copy !req
392. When you get home in six months,
you'll be a hero.Copy !req
393. She might even let you get
your hands on her twice.Copy !req
394. I fear not.Copy !req
395. Why not?Copy !req
396. Because we'll never get home!
We're doomed! Doomed!Copy !req
397. Condemned to a watery grave
with a captain who's legless.Copy !req
398. Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!Copy !req
399. No, no, no. I mean,
you haven't got any legs.Copy !req
400. Oh, yes. You're right there.
Carry on. Sorry.Copy !req
401. Oh, God!Copy !req
402. We've got no hope.
No hope of ever returning!Copy !req
403. On the contrary,
we are certain to return.Copy !req
404. - What?
- Because, me old salts,Copy !req
405. we are not going
to the Cape of Good Hope at all.Copy !req
406. What?Copy !req
407. We are, in fact, going to France.Copy !req
408. France?Copy !req
409. Oh, but, Edmund, surely
France has already been discovered.Copy !req
410. By the French for a start.Copy !req
411. Precisely! It's a trick.Copy !req
412. We just camp down
in the Dordogne for six months,Copy !req
413. get a good sun tan, come home,Copy !req
414. pretend we've been round the cape,
and get all the glory!Copy !req
415. Hurray!Copy !req
416. A masterly plan, me young master!Copy !req
417. And one that leads me to make
an announcement meself.Copy !req
418. - What's that, Rum?
- Truth is,Copy !req
419. I don't know the way
to the Cape of Good Hope anyways.Copy !req
420. - Well, what were you going to do?
- Oh, what I usually do.Copy !req
421. Sail round and round the Isle of Wight
till everyone gets dizzyCopy !req
422. and head for home.Copy !req
423. You old rascal!Copy !req
424. Still, who cares? The day after
tomorrow, we shall be in Calais.Copy !req
425. - Captain, set sail for France!
Hurray!Copy !req
426. So, you don't know
the way to France either?Copy !req
427. No.Copy !req
428. I must confess that, too.Copy !req
429. Bugger!Copy !req
430. He's only been gone three days
and I'm missing him already.Copy !req
431. Well, perhaps, ma'am,Copy !req
432. I might amuse you still further
with tales of my adventures.Copy !req
433. Like what?Copy !req
434. Perhaps you would you like to hear
the one about the mad pirate kingCopy !req
435. whose crew consisted
entirely of men called Roger?Copy !req
436. Heard it.Copy !req
437. Oh! Ah...Copy !req
438. Well, maybe I could distract youCopy !req
439. with the tale of the time
I fell into the waterCopy !req
440. and was almost eaten
by a hammerhead shark.Copy !req
441. Yes, all right. Try that one.Copy !req
442. Well, ma'am...Copy !req
443. I fell into the water,Copy !req
444. and was almost eaten by a shark.Copy !req
445. And the funny thing is,Copy !req
446. its head was exactly the same shape
as a hammer. (LAUGHS)Copy !req
447. Oh, God!Copy !req
448. You'd better come up with some presentsCopy !req
449. or I'm going to go off explorers
completely you know.Copy !req
450. Ma'am?Copy !req
451. And I'll tell you something else.Copy !req
452. Edmund was right. You do smell of fish.Copy !req
453. Pooey!Copy !req
454. Look, look. There's no need to panic.Copy !req
455. Someone in the crew will know
how to steer this thing.Copy !req
456. The crew, Me Lord?Copy !req
457. Yes, the crew.Copy !req
458. What crew?Copy !req
459. I was under the impression
that it was common maritime practiceCopy !req
460. for a ship to have a crew.Copy !req
461. Opinion is divided on the subject.Copy !req
462. - Oh, really?
- Yes.Copy !req
463. All the other captains say it is,
I say it isn't.Copy !req
464. Oh, God, mad as a brush.Copy !req
465. Sir Walter's death warrant
for your signature, Majesty.Copy !req
466. Oh. Good.Copy !req
467. Any news of Edmund?Copy !req
468. Well, madam, if they're on course,
they should be nearing the, er,Copy !req
469. urine drinking stage by now.Copy !req
470. Don't be horrid, Melchie.Copy !req
471. Edmund would rather die.Copy !req
472. I fear that may be wishful thinking,
Majesty.Copy !req
473. Enter.Copy !req
474. 50 soon?Copy !req
475. You said today.Copy !req
476. Yes, well, I'm not feeling
very thirsty at the moment.Copy !req
477. I mean... I mean, I had an eggcup full
of stagnant water three weeks ago.Copy !req
478. Oh, all right.
Come on, let's get on with it.Copy !req
479. Shall we drink each other's,
or stick to our own?Copy !req
480. - Bald rick!
- Sorry, My Lord.Copy !req
481. Is Captain Rum joining us for thisCopy !req
482. "bring-a-sample party"
or is he sitting this one out?Copy !req
483. Oh, no, he's been swigging his for ages.
He says he likes it.Copy !req
484. Actually, come to think of it,
he started before the water ran out.Copy !req
485. Oh, God! Well, let's get on with it.Copy !req
486. It's always the same, isn't it?Copy !req
487. You get all keyed up
and then you can't go!Copy !req
488. I can't do it.Copy !req
489. I've done two bottles.Copy !req
490. All right then, pour it out. Come on.Copy !req
491. That it should come to this,
drinking Baldrick's water.Copy !req
492. - Say when.
- When.Copy !req
493. Down the hatch.Copy !req
494. Land ahoy!Copy !req
495. Ah, France, at last!Copy !req
496. Me young master, through fair winds
and fine seamanship,Copy !req
497. our vessel is once more edged up
on the shores of Old Blighty.Copy !req
498. Hurray!Copy !req
499. By a lucky chance,
we've landed at Southampton dock.Copy !req
500. Hurray!
- Fare thee well!Copy !req
501. Last one off the old sea dog
gets a lick of the cat.Copy !req
502. Don't look much like
Southampton to me, My Lord.Copy !req
503. - What?
- Well, those streams of molten lava,Copy !req
504. and that steaming mangrove swamp.Copy !req
505. And that crowd of beckoning natives
rubbing their tummiesCopy !req
506. and pointing to a large pot.Copy !req
507. Oh, God!Copy !req
508. Where are they now?Copy !req
509. Well, madam, if they haven't
been eaten by cannibals,Copy !req
510. they should be back any minute now.Copy !req
511. Ma'am!Copy !req
512. Edmund, you're alive!Copy !req
513. Oh, yes.Copy !req
514. - And your silly friend.
- Lord Percy, ma'am.Copy !req
515. - And your monkey!
- Your Majesty.Copy !req
516. - Ah, but where is Captain Rum?
- Er, bad news, My Lady.Copy !req
517. Rum is dead.Copy !req
518. Nooo!Copy !req
519. Do not despair, good woman.
He died a hero's death,Copy !req
520. giving his life
that his friends might live.Copy !req
521. And that his enemies might have
something to go with their potatoes.Copy !req
522. Do you mean they put him in the pot?Copy !req
523. Yes, your fiancé was only a third-rate
sailor, but a first-rate second course.Copy !req
524. Nooo! (SOBBING)Copy !req
525. However, we did manage to save
something of him as a memento.Copy !req
526. - Oh!Copy !req
527. My lucky stars! I shall wear it always
to remind me of him!Copy !req
528. However, ma'am, I am...
I am now returned,Copy !req
529. and my mind cannot help
remembering talk of wedding bells.Copy !req
530. No, I'm completely bored with explorers,Copy !req
531. and if you haven't
brought me any presents,Copy !req
532. I'm going to have you executed.Copy !req
533. - Ma'am?
- (LAUGHS)Copy !req
534. I only let Raleigh off because
he blubbed on his way to the block.Copy !req
535. Presents, please!Copy !req
536. Ah, yes, ma'am. Erm...Copy !req
537. Yes, well, there was one thing, ma'am.Copy !req
538. - Good.
- A most extraordinary gift,Copy !req
539. from the island paradise we visited.Copy !req
540. Hurry up!Copy !req
541. Ah.Copy !req
542. - What is it?
- A stick.Copy !req
543. Is it a stick, Lord Blackadder?Copy !req
544. Ah, yes, ma'am,
but it's a very special stick,Copy !req
545. because when you throw it away,
it comes back!Copy !req
546. Oh, well, that's no good, is it?Copy !req
547. Because when I throw things away
I don't want them to come back!Copy !req
548. You!Copy !req
549. - Get rid of it.
- Erm, certainly, ma'am.Copy !req
550. What else have you brought?Copy !req
551. Erm, yes, well,
there was very little time,Copy !req
552. what with picking weevils
out of biscuits...Copy !req
553. Melchett, what did I do
with that spare death warrant?Copy !req
554. Well, I...
- (GRUNTING)Copy !req
555. Oh, Edmund, it's wonderful. (LAUGHS)Copy !req
556. But what about Melchie and Raleigh?Copy !req
557. You must have brought something
for them as well.Copy !req
558. Er...Copy !req
559. Nursie's got her beard,
I've got my stick.Copy !req
560. What about the two boys?Copy !req
561. Erm, yes!Copy !req
562. Yes, erm... Well, there was...Copy !req
563. - Er, there was one thing, ma'am.
Good.Copy !req
564. A fine wine from the Far East,Copy !req
565. a most delicious beverage.Copy !req
566. Have a taste, boys.
Tell us what you think.Copy !req
567. Oh, it certainly has plenty of nose!Copy !req
568. Oh, yes, this is very familiar.Copy !req
569. I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that
there is an inexhaustible supplyCopy !req
570. of the stuff.Copy !req