1. Wait, wait, wait.
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2. I don't think he's coming.
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3. Oh.
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4. Let's start the show.
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5. Ladies and gentlemen,
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6. donnell rawlings and Charlie Murphy!
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7. Welcome to another episode of chappelle's show.
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8. well, I actually hang out with Dave chappelle, right.
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9. Every now and then, I would notice that Dave had
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10. the ability to see into other people's scandals
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11. and immediately identify the solution.
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12. Now, y'all remember a few years back,
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13. Howard Dean was running for president?
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14. Messed up his whole campaign with his mouth?
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15. Check this shit out.
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16. Not only are we going to new Hampshire, tom harkin,
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17. we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona
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18. and north Dakota and new Mexico!
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19. And we're going to California and Texas and New York!
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20. And we're going to South Dakota
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21. and Oregon and Washington and Michigan!
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22. And then we're going to Washington, D.C.
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23. To take back the white house!
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24. Yah!
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25. You know, Howard Dean should've just kept on with it.
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26. This is what Dave would've done. Check this out.
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27. You know something?
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28. We're not just gonna go to new Hampshire, tom harkin.
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29. We are gonna go to New York!
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30. We're gonna go to Vermont!
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31. We're gonna go to Oregon!
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32. We're gonna go to Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania!
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33. We're going to Cancun for spring break!
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34. We're gonna go to Montreal!
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35. We're going to Vancouver!
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36. I'm going all over the world,
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37. and then I'm coming all the way to Washington, D.C.
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38. To take back the white house!
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39. Bah!
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40. Bah!
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41. I'm gonna kick open the door of the oval office,
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42. and I'm gonna chop that motherfucking desk in half!
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43. Bah!
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44. And then I'm gonna grab the secret service like this
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45. and put him in a headlock and say, "bah!"
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46. And then we're going straight into my bedroom,
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47. I'm gonna grab my wife like this,
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48. and we're like, "byah!"
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49. And then I'm gonna wash up. I'm gonna wash up.
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50. And I'm gonna be like this, "byah!"
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51. Good night!
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52. Thud!
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53. He sets policy for this administration,
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54. and I support the president.
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55. 90 seconds.
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56. Well, I think it's important to remember
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57. when you're talking about this issue
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58. that vice president Cheney has a lesbian daughter,
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59. and not only is his daughter a lesbian,
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60. but his mom's a lesbian, and his sister's a lesbian,
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61. and his greasy granny has holes in her panties!
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62. Byah!
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63. - Well, Gwen, let me...
- Byah!
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64. Thank the senator for the kind
words he said about my family...
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65. - Byah, byah!
- And our daughter.
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66. Ya, byah!
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67. Byah! I love lesbians! Byah!
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68. I watched the l-word on showtime!
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69. Byah!
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70. Byah!
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71. I got a tax policy that'll break your neck
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72. byah! Got you all a check
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73. goin' from Washington down to Vermont
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74. down to... Byah!
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75. Byah! Byah!
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76. Yeah!
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77. Byah!
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78. Byah!
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79. Yo, another big scandal that we all familiar with
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80. was the Paris Hilton sex tape.
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81. Yo, I studied that tape like a graduate student.
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82. In the background, Eddie Griffin is on television.
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83. So as they makin' love,
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84. they makin' love to Eddie Griffin.
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85. It's almost like Eddie Griffin is in the room with them
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86. while they're having sex.
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87. See, that's why, when you get famous,
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88. you can never have the tv on when you're having sex
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89. 'cause one of your friends might be on the television,
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90. and now it's like he's in the room
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91. watching you do your thing.
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92. Check it out.
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93. Mmm-mmm... p.B. And j.!
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94. This is pretty hefty punishment
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95. for breaking one measly chimney.
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96. Hey, Dave, it's me, alf.
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97. Great work!
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98. All right, I need a minute, girl.
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99. Girl, you're gonna have to change the station, for real.
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100. Oh...
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101. Off the rim!
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102. Hey, little fella.
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103. Charles barkley?
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104. You need some help there?
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105. No, no, watch me take it to the hole.
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106. Now I'm in the three- second Lane,
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107. five, six, seven seconds!
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108. I'm gonna have to turn the station.
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109. Man, ooh-whee.
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110. Sippy cup.
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111. At least I can button my lip.
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112. You need a heavy-duty zipper.
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113. Hello, David.
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114. Marla Gibbs?
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115. Yes, it's me, Dave.
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116. Ah...
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117. Oh...
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118. Ah...
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119. Byah!
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120. Yo, y'all stay right where you at.
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121. We'll be back with more chappelle's show.
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122. Byah!
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123. Welcome back to chappelle's show, ladies and gentlemen.
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124. Another big scandal was the Gary Coleman scandal.
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125. Remember when Gary Coleman got a job as a security guard?
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126. Gary Coleman was a security guard.
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127. Yeah.
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128. Would he protect you from your nuts on down?
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129. He was really a security guard.
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130. This is what Dave had to say about it.
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131. Check it out.
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132. Hey, red eagle, this is Gary.
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133. Everything's all right in candyland.
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134. Hey! Hey! Get off the trampoline!
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135. Get off the trampoline! Stop playing with it.
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136. Oh, my God, it's Gary Coleman!
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137. Oh, can I have your autograph?
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138. Miss, please, I'm busy at work right now,
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139. and I really don't like doing that anymore.
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140. Thank you. I'm so sorry.
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141. Well, could you at least say, "what you talkin' about?"
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142. I love that!
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143. Ooh, go on, say it. Go on, say it.
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144. Miss, I'm sorry, I don't say that anymore,
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145. and I wish you wouldn't bring it up.
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146. It's a little painful for me, some tough times in my life,
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147. and I'm really just trying to focus on what my life is now.
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148. Thank you very much.
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149. You's an asshole.
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150. That's why your broke ass ain't famous now, fuckin' midget.
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151. Bitch. What...
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152. Red eagle, this is Gary.
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153. I'm gonna have to take a little time-out.
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154. A little time-out for Gary.
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155. - Gettin' stronger for you.
- What you—what you—!
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156. Byah!
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157. I got you. Come on. Oh, yeah, come on.
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158. Yeah.
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159. Not the fish tank! Not the fish tank.
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160. Now! Uh-huh, yeah!
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161. Get out.
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162. Gary Coleman?
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163. You're supposed to be fighting crime, not causing it.
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164. Sir, I am fighting crime, okay?
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165. Check her pockets.
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166. Oh, I...
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167. I'm charging you with shoplifting, miss.
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168. You dick! You planted those on me!
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169. What you talkin' about, bitch?
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170. - Yeah!
- Byah!
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171. We'll be right back with more chappelle's show
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172. after these messages.
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173. I don't believe this, man.
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174. Yeah, welcome back to chappelle's show, everybody.
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175. Hey, have you ever been in a situation
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176. where you may have felt, like, racially insecure?
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177. And that was a white guy too.
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178. I'm talking about a situation where, you know,
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179. you actually altered your behavior
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180. because you were afraid of the way, you know,
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181. someone of a different color may react,
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182. or they possibly may think
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183. that you're living up to a stereotype.
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184. Check this shit out.
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185. Hello, Mr. chappelle.
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186. Do you know what you'd like for your in-flight meal?
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187. What are you serving?
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188. Oh, we have fish or chicken.
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189. Ooh-wee!
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190. Chicken!
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191. Go on, order you a big bucket, nigga, and take a bite!
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192. You black motherfucker!
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193. I'll have the fish. Thank you very much.
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194. You son of a bitch! You don't want no fish!
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195. Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
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196. I just realized, we are all out of the fish.
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197. Back in the game, baby!
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198. But the chicken's quite good.
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199. You can't beat fate, nigga! Get the chicken!
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200. How is it prepared?
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201. Oh, it's fried.
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202. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelu-hallelu-hallelujah!
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203. You big-lipped bitch!
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204. I'll have the fried chicken. Thank you.
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205. Fried chicken. I need some music for this.
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206. here you go, sir.
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207. Oh, chicken's on the deck.
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208. You know what? He can have my fish.
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209. God damn!
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210. Thank you very, very much. I appreciate that a lot.
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211. it is not catfish, nigga.
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212. Funny thing—Dave was watching an episode of mtv cribs.
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213. The ying Yang twins was on,
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214. and he thought he saw the pixie again.
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215. Check this out.
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216. - My brother bought this.
- Ah!
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217. - One more time!
- Ah!
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218. - Say it again!
- Ah!
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219. - We got new money.
- Hallelujah!
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220. This is a '72.
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221. Show 'em the monkeys!
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222. Never thought I'd say this, but I'm embarrassed.
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223. Don't clap too soon.
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224. Hispanic people, don't get it twisted.
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225. We got a el español reggaeton pixie.
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226. So we just installed your stereo,
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227. and your hyundai's all set.
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228. Great. Thanks, man.
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229. Can we interest you in anything else today
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230. for your car, sir?
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231. No, thanks, I'm good.
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232. Just got these leopard skin seat covers in.
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233. Be strong.
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234. Come on, homes, it's fucking leopard, man.
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235. Leopard!
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236. How can you resist?
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237. Leopard.
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238. Tell you what, I just got a hot order,
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239. and they fell off the back of a truck.
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240. Throw me 80 bucks. It's a sweet deal.
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241. And I'll throw in the Jesus air freshener for free.
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242. Santa Maria! Jesus! Do it!
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243. It's leopard! Illegal leopard!
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244. Charo!
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245. Quieres cocaina?
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246. Si, me gusta.
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247. Una mala influencia! El diablo!
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248. Me voy de aqui!
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249. Wait, wait, wait, wait! It's not over yet!
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250. We've got an Asian pixie.
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251. So we're on the same page with this?
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252. Hi, Charlie.
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253. Lala! Lala, yoshi. Yoshi, lala. Mtv.
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254. Hi, yoshi.
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255. Hello.
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256. Carr her rara.
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257. Carr her rara.
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258. Herro, rara.
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259. Hello.
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260. Herro, rara. Herro, rara.
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261. Herro, rara.
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262. Hello, gorgeous.
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263. No!
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264. You have disgraced my famiry.
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265. I aporogize!
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266. That hurt very bad.
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267. I see soft place to die.
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268. Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no!
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269. It's not over yet. White people, you're not safe.
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270. We even got a white pixie.
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271. So this is for all the crackers that ain't here!
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272. Roll it!
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273. Phil, what's crackin', son?
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274. - I see you made it.
- What's up, fellas?
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275. Oh, my God. Three black guys.
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276. Well, you better hit 'em with their own vernacular.
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277. Makes them feel more comfortable.
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278. Tell to give you a hug if he's into getting rubbed.
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279. I heard that on the radio on the way up here.
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280. Give you a hug and give him some rub.
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281. Tell him it's his birthday.
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282. Then tell him you don't give a fuck that it's his birthday.
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283. There is a lot of women in here tonight.
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284. - Word.
- Odds are in our favor.
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285. I don't know about you; I'm getting mine.
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286. Phil, that's all you, man. Go get that ass.
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287. My God, Phil, don't touch it!
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288. Look at all that meat. It's superfluous.
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289. Jingling and jangling.
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290. What ever happened to some good old-fashioned pancake butt?
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291. Now, that's what mom used to make.
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292. Nice and flat.
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293. No cup; It's not necessary.
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294. And the line starts all the way at the bottom.
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295. Not even like a line.
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296. Like a tiny incision, if you will.
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297. - Hey.
- Hi.
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298. - Want to dance?
- Dancing?
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299. Phil, it's a trap.
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300. She's gonna start doing some kind of shaky moves.
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301. Whatever you do, you start dancing first.
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302. Just hit her with the twist.
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303. That's right.
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304. Works every time.
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305. Fast songs, slow songs.
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306. This goddamn beat.
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307. Keep twisting, Phil, for God's sakes.
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308. Don't freak her!
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309. Damn this b.E.T.
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310. You look so comfortable, Phil.
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311. Whatever happened to some good old-fashioned rock 'n' roll?
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312. Yo, believe it or not, that sketch was probably
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313. one of the most controversial sketches we had.
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314. When we come back,
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315. we're gonna talk to the audience about it
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316. and see how y'all felt about that.
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317. Hey, help us, robot. Help us.
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318. Help us. Robot, help us.
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319. As you may or may not have heard,
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320. Dave said he has some problems with the pixie sketch.
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321. We didn't know if we should air the sketch or not,
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322. so we asked the audience what they thought about it.
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323. Go ahead.
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324. Yeah, I think—I mean, obviously,
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325. all the sketches were funny.
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326. It's funny that we can come together
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327. and laugh at each other like that.
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328. But I think the problems lies in the ignorant people at home
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329. or possibly in here.
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330. The problem comes in when people base their opinions
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331. on these jokes.
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332. I just want to say, I think everybody is
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333. in the same situation as you sometimes.
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334. And, I mean, I'm Jewish, and whenever I go out,
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335. and whenever there's a bill to be split up,
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336. I always overpay just so nobody brings up the stereotype.
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337. I mean, everybody does it.
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338. Jew-tang clan!
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339. I think that Dave has always did a good job
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340. of bringing race to the surface,
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341. because we all think about it,
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342. but, you know, he kind of makes it comfortable to talk about it.
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343. And I've always appreciated that about this show.
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344. - So what's your name?
- Monique.
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345. Pony?
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346. See? Black bitches always be hitting on you!
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347. That's the pixie!
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348. She don't even know me, and she beat me up!
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349. All right.
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350. I feel like it's derogatory to black and Spanish people,
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351. but it plays on the good stereotypes of white people.
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352. So even though there's a pixie for the white people,
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353. it plays on that they're educated
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354. and that, you know, they listen to rock music,
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355. but that's not bad.
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356. But to play on the "we like chicken,
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357. and we like shuckin' and jive."
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358. You know we like chicken.
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359. - Everybody likes chicken, okay?
- That's what I'm saying, yeah.
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360. Everybody likes chicken,
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361. so for it to be a black stereotype
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362. that we like fried chicken is, you know, it's not right.
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363. I get out with my co-workers,
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364. and, like, sometimes I feel like they say certain things
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365. that, like, I don't think they would normally say—
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366. like, "nigger, where's the weed?"
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367. No, like—
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368. That's okay, dog.
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369. I mean, you know, they'll throw a little "son" in there,
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370. you know, all that stuff— "a'ight,"yeah."
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371. And I'm, like— I like comedy.
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372. I like this show because it's kind of a relaxed way
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373. for other people to look at other races
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374. and see how people communicate,
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375. 'cause if I told them, like, I get upset.
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376. It's like the "angry black guy."
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377. But if you watch Dave chappelle, you see this sketch,
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378. you like, now you know how I feel.
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379. I don't—I feel like— so when get out,
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380. you don't need to say, "what up, shorty? Da da da."
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381. Just I'm olu. I'm me.
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382. Just be relaxed, easy.
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383. I think he did an exceptional job.
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384. As a hispanic person, I don't think it's any different
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385. from when we make jokes about ourselves.
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386. I think people need to stop being so sensitive.
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387. Tom cruise look-alike motherfucker right here.
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388. Stand up. What's your name?
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389. - Gary.
- All right.
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390. Fuck all that scientology shit.
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391. All right, what's your comment?
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392. We just played the sketch "the pixie."
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393. About what that girl said before
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394. about the negative/positive comments.
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395. She said rock 'n' roll is good,
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396. and fried chicken is bad.
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397. I mean, it's not.
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398. You know, it's not a crime to eat fried chicken.
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399. It's not a bad stereotype.
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400. You like fried chicken, right?
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401. And watermelon is a delicious fruit.
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402. See? See?
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403. There you go.
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404. I have to agree.
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405. Like, I think that he touched on four different races
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406. and, like, everybody should just be easy.
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407. It was funny as hell, and just ride with it.
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408. That's it. It's not that deep.
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409. I've actually met Dave, and the impression I got
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410. no matter what method he does or puts out there,
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411. he's done his research.
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412. If he touches you to the point to where you think about it,
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413. I think the mission is done.
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414. You go, girl.
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415. I'm just joking!
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416. Give me a hug. Give me a hug.
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417. Fuck that shit.
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418. I thought it was funny. I thought it was intelligent.
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419. It was uncomfortable, and I think that's the point of it.
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420. It's supposed to draw attention to peoples' stereotypes
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421. and talk about it and make it funny.
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422. That's why the show is successful, I think.
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423. I think that's the joy.
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424. You see a movie like crash,
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425. and that's really preachy, I feel,
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426. but then you see a sketch like this,
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427. and it gets people talking and laughing.
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428. And so as long as we're thinking about it, it's a good thing.
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429. You took it from all levels. Everyone was touched.
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430. So I think it was a variety, so that made it funny
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431. and not just black people always feeling like
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432. the joke is gonna be about me
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433. because our stereotypes are more absurd, some people feel.
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434. I thought it was funny, 'cause, you know—
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435. not as funny as that jacket is.
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436. I'm just saying! I'm just saying!
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437. I'm just saying!
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438. Keep it real!
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439. No, I'm just saying, I thought it was funny.
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440. I laughed.
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441. That's real talk right there.
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442. Give him a round of applause!
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443. That's real talk!
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444. And look, look—
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445. - he got something else to say.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
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446. You black—you don't got to explain shit.
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447. You just hit a couple "know what I mean's"
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448. you know what I mean? It was like—I was like, yo.
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449. So it was like, bla-dow! A'ight?
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450. Enough said, man.
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451. I thought it was a lot like the racial draft,
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452. which is one of my absolute favorite, favorite sketches.
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453. I come from an interracial family,
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454. you know, my brother is Jamaican and British.
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455. Not a mercy.
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456. Sometimes it makes people a little too comfortable
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457. where they shouldn't be comfortable
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458. when they hear some of these jokes.
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459. Like, if they talk about the big butt jokes,
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460. and, you know, a white person turns around says,
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461. "yeah, you got a badonkadonk."
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462. You know, and they make, like, funny jokes like that
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463. that they might hear on the show.
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464. And it's funny to hear Dave chappelle do it,
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465. but I don't really want to come to the office
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466. and hear you guys, you know,
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467. making some of these funny, racist jokes,
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468. you know what I mean?
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469. Everybody has an inner racism.
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470. My question is, how much do you have
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471. before it gets you fucked up?
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472. Perfect example— and I'm telling you,
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473. I got an inner racism in me.
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474. If I see an Asian person, if I say, "where you from?"
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475. And they're like, "Connecticut,"
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476. I'm like, "you know what I'm talking about."
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477. I was just thinking that maybe, you know,
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478. the jokes weren't that serious.
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479. Because, you know, fried chicken, it's all light,
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480. but some of the issues—
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481. it's light and crispy, yes.
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482. I thought the sketch was cool,
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483. but the only problem is, yeah, you included everybody,
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484. but the white race is seen as more of like the generic race,
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485. so it doesn't really affect them as much.
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486. The flaw is the gonna be more on us, the hispanics,
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487. yellow people, so I just wanted to say that.
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488. It wasn't hard enough for you.
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489. You felt that it was the softest one.
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490. Exactly, because, again, the white race is the generic race,
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491. so when there—if there is something that does happen,
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492. they don't have to worry about anything.
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493. There's another white one. There's two white ones.
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494. So, look, let's show the second one.
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495. How'd the white man get two pixies?
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496. Boing!
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497. Boing!
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498. You look straight ahead, sir.
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499. Don't let that scare you.
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500. That is the bane of our existence,
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501. the black penis.
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502. And, remember, no matter how big his dick is,
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503. at least you run the God damn world.
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504. Yuck. Ah, it stinks.
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505. It stinks.
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506. Don't you worry. Must've drank a 40 ounce.
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507. I'm a pixie.
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508. Oh. Can you see me?
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509. Yeah, I can see you.
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510. Well, listen, this is an "a" and "b" conversation,
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511. so why don't you just "c" your way out of it.
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512. Saw that on one of your negro shows, Martin.
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513. And why don't you see these nuts?
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514. They're in your piss.
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515. It burns!
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516. My eyes! My Dickies!
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517. You might have won this time, nigger.
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518. I don't know how you saw me.
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519. I'm gonna take a look at your tax return.
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520. You must've made a lot of money
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521. if you can see me.
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522. Woogie boogie!
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523. I forgot I did that.
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524. Does that change anything now that you see we did—
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525. he did two?
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526. - No.
- No change? Nothing?
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527. What if he did 100 white pixies? Would that change anything?
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528. I don't think it's the responsibility of the show
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529. to educate everyone in the world.
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530. It's a comedy show.
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531. And even if it is being a responsible comedy show,
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532. no matter how responsible you are,
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533. you're not gonna be able to educate everybody in the world,
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534. so I think you have to stick to what your true goal is:
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535. Making people laugh.
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536. Thank you for watching another crazy episode
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537. of chappelle's show.
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538. We'll see you all next week.
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539. Good night.
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540. I'm rich, biyatch!
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541. Honk! Honk!
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542. Hi, thank you.
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543. Even if, like, your friend called you on the phone
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544. like, you know, you gonna be, like, real professional.
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545. Like, I have a friend, like, I have my and myself.
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546. Like, whenever he picks up the phone, like,
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547. "yo, what up, nigga?" Like, "fuck that."
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548. Like, you know, he keeps it real.
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549. And, like, I understand it.
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550. We don't know what the fuck you just said.
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551. But you on tv, son. Fuck it, man.
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552. He mixed up everything!
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553. "You know, my friend, like, fuck it, like, yo, man.
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554. "Buy my album. It's coming out 2009.
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555. I'm going platinum for the chappelle's show, bitch."
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