1. wait.Copy !req
2. I don't think he's coming.Copy !req
3. Oh.Copy !req
4. Let's start the show.Copy !req
5. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
6. put your hands togetherCopy !req
7. for donnell rawlings and Charlie Murphy!Copy !req
8. Yeah!Copy !req
9. Welcome back to another episode of chappelle's show.Copy !req
10. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
11. Got a question for y'all.Copy !req
12. You ever been in a situation where somebody didn't like you,Copy !req
13. and you figured the reason why they ain't like youCopy !req
14. is because they was a racist?Copy !req
15. Only to think later on that...Copy !req
16. They wasn't a racist at all.Copy !req
17. You just was acting like an asshole.Copy !req
18. On the opposite side, you might say,Copy !req
19. "you know what? Maybe I was being an asshole."Copy !req
20. Do you think about it like, "I wasn't being an asshole.Copy !req
21. "That was a klansman I was just talking to!"Copy !req
22. That's what this sketch is about.Copy !req
23. Check it out.Copy !req
24. you're in a good mood today, blockhead.Copy !req
25. What's up?Copy !req
26. Got a meeting with my boss today,Copy !req
27. and I think I'm about to get that promotion.Copy !req
28. Nigga, I thought you said your boss was a racist.Copy !req
29. You know, I think he is a racist,Copy !req
30. but I'm about to get promoted anyway.Copy !req
31. Because of the hard work I put in,Copy !req
32. I'm getting ready to become office manager.Copy !req
33. I tell you something else too.Copy !req
34. If I was a white man, I'd be taking his job.Copy !req
35. Morning, fellas.Copy !req
36. Hey, wolfie, what'd I tell youCopy !req
37. about not wearing no pants around the house?Copy !req
38. Aw, c'mon dog.Copy !req
39. Ay, c'mon, man, you scratching your balls over my breakfast!Copy !req
40. You got ball hair on top of your head!Copy !req
41. That's not a joke.Copy !req
42. That is ball hair. That's coarse.Copy !req
43. Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm sorry. I'm a little on edge.Copy !req
44. I'm nervous. I got a big date today.Copy !req
45. - What?
- A date?Copy !req
46. All right, I didn't say nothing,Copy !req
47. 'cause I feel a little uncomfortable about it.Copy !req
48. She's white.Copy !req
49. You come in here with your tail waggin' over a white woman?Copy !req
50. C'mon, dog, listen, this is the first date I hadCopy !req
51. since that werewolf bit me on the subway.Copy !req
52. Sisters don't understand this!Copy !req
53. Only thing nice a sister said to meCopy !req
54. since I been a goddamn werewolfCopy !req
55. is that I got pretty hair, and I'm tired of that shit!Copy !req
56. So if you don't accept me and accept the people I love,Copy !req
57. like I accept you, you fuckin' frankenstein,Copy !req
58. and you, you fuckin' gauze-wrapped, stanky-ass,Copy !req
59. 3,000-year-old mummy—Copy !req
60. yes, I know about you— then I'm gonna be upset!Copy !req
61. Now if you guys will excuse me...Copy !req
62. I'm getting the hell out of here myself.Copy !req
63. I gotta go see my probation officer.Copy !req
64. Frank...Copy !req
65. Have a seat.Copy !req
66. Yes, sir. Pleased to be here.Copy !req
67. Frank, I don't want to beat around the bush.Copy !req
68. I've been getting a lot of complaints about youCopy !req
69. from your co-workers.Copy !req
70. What kind of complaints?Copy !req
71. Well, amongst other things, conflict resolution.Copy !req
72. Those motherfuckers!Copy !req
73. Uh...Copy !req
74. What else did they tell you?Copy !req
75. They were afraid of your violent outbursts.Copy !req
76. You've broken a lot of furniture, Frank.Copy !req
77. I'm afraid I have to let you go.Copy !req
78. Listen up!Copy !req
79. You racist backstabbers!Copy !req
80. Sorry y'all ain't evolved enoughCopy !req
81. to handle a strong black man around the office.Copy !req
82. Let me tell you something.Copy !req
83. Frank, Frank, you gotta relax.Copy !req
84. You're with friends, okay? I love you.Copy !req
85. We all love you.Copy !req
86. We just don't want anybody to get hurt, you understand?Copy !req
87. - Yaaah!
- Aaagh!Copy !req
88. Son of a bitch!Copy !req
89. Son of a bitch! God damn it!Copy !req
90. Argh!Copy !req
91. Now all y'all know I'm the hardest worker in the business.Copy !req
92. I'm tired of tiptoeing around this officeCopy !req
93. so y'all racists can be comfortable.Copy !req
94. You scared of black people?Copy !req
95. Well, that's your problem!Copy !req
96. My color shouldn't even be an issue.Copy !req
97. When you look at me, all you should see is a man...Copy !req
98. Not a black man!Copy !req
99. Nigga, you a frankenstein!Copy !req
100. Aw, shut up, slave.Copy !req
101. Hello, police?Copy !req
102. Someone's going berserk in our office.Copy !req
103. He's black.Copy !req
104. Freeze!Copy !req
105. Come on, let's get it over with.Copy !req
106. Go on, do what you gon' do! Impress your white friends!Copy !req
107. Fire one shot.Copy !req
108. Firing one shot.Copy !req
109. Ow!Copy !req
110. Oh, damn. Aagh!Copy !req
111. Damn slave!Copy !req
112. You is a slave!Copy !req
113. Y'all ought to get together.Copy !req
114. Go out to lunch.Copy !req
115. Have cold grits or somethin' to eat.Copy !req
116. Aw, man, I'm about to be late again!Copy !req
117. I better hurry up.Copy !req
118. Aw, never gon' make it, man.Copy !req
119. They gon' send me right back to the joint.Copy !req
120. I need a taxi.Copy !req
121. I need a taxi. That's what I need.Copy !req
122. Fuck this shit, man.Copy !req
123. I was standing right—Copy !req
124. Yo, stop, stop!Copy !req
125. - C'mon, I need a taxi, man.
- No Brooklyn!Copy !req
126. - I'm not going to Brooklyn!
- I'm off-duty.Copy !req
127. You're not off-duty! Your sign is on, come on!Copy !req
128. N-no mummies! I don't trust mummies!Copy !req
129. You know this ain't got shit to doCopy !req
130. with me bein' a mummy, man.Copy !req
131. Just be real with it, son.Copy !req
132. Yo, just be real with it.Copy !req
133. Shit... Why you have to fuck up my gauze, son?Copy !req
134. You're late again. This is totally unacceptable.Copy !req
135. My fault, sorry.Copy !req
136. Ah, you people are always late.Copy !req
137. "You people"?Copy !req
138. What you trying to say— black people are always late?Copy !req
139. Actually, I was talking about mummies.Copy !req
140. Listen, you've been late every month since you got out.Copy !req
141. It shows that you have a clear disdain for me and the system.Copy !req
142. You're going back to jail.Copy !req
143. Ain't this a bitch.Copy !req
144. The system is not designed for us, man.Copy !req
145. Who, black people or mummies?Copy !req
146. I don't even know anymore.Copy !req
147. I don't even know anymore.Copy !req
148. You know what they do to mummies in jailCopy !req
149. when they gotta go to the bathroomCopy !req
150. and nobody can find toilet paper?Copy !req
151. What?Copy !req
152. They use me.Copy !req
153. I'd like to propose a toast...Copy !req
154. New beginnings.Copy !req
155. - Wolfie, I...
- Yeah?Copy !req
156. I think maybe we're moving too fast.Copy !req
157. Huh?Copy !req
158. What you mean? What are you talking about?Copy !req
159. Wait a minute, is it...Copy !req
160. It's not the black-white thing, is it?Copy !req
161. No, really, you can tell me.Copy !req
162. I was a little uncomfortable about it too; I'm not gonna lie.Copy !req
163. Is everything okay over here?Copy !req
164. Yeah, everything is fine.Copy !req
165. Thank you so much.Copy !req
166. Hey!Copy !req
167. Excuse me.Copy !req
168. That's very mature, miss.Copy !req
169. Your penis is exposed, brother.Copy !req
170. Oh... Thanks, ma'am, sorry about that.Copy !req
171. I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve your kind here.Copy !req
172. Wait, hold on, what's that supposed to mean, "my kind"?Copy !req
173. Oh, no pants. How convenient.Copy !req
174. So all this shit is about pants?Copy !req
175. Police beatin' up people for pants, huh?Copy !req
176. Just get the fuck outta here! I'm eatin' soup!Copy !req
177. I got this, baby.Copy !req
178. Freeze!Copy !req
179. I should bite the shit out of this motherfucker!Copy !req
180. I've got good news for all three of you.Copy !req
181. Mummy, a judge ruled in your favor.Copy !req
182. The probation officer can't lock you up for lateness.Copy !req
183. Yes!Copy !req
184. Wolfman, the police said they'd drop all chargesCopy !req
185. if you promise to start wearing pants.Copy !req
186. Fuckin' racists!Copy !req
187. Frank, the man whose arm you tore offCopy !req
188. is willing to settle out of court.Copy !req
189. Yeah!Copy !req
190. As black men, we have to stick together.Copy !req
191. And besides, I am a sagittarius.Copy !req
192. Look, we gonna be right back with some moreCopy !req
193. chappelle's show after commercial.Copy !req
194. You know, a lot of people are wonderingCopy !req
195. just exactly what happened with that $50 million check.Copy !req
196. Check this out.Copy !req
197. Right there we see his check, to the order of Dave chappelle.Copy !req
198. Ashy Larry?Copy !req
199. I'm rich, bi-atch!Copy !req
200. I'm cashing that shit at a liquor storeCopy !req
201. right on 125th street.Copy !req
202. You know, I watch a lot of television, man,Copy !req
203. but one of the shows I hate on tv the most,Copy !req
204. especially being a black man, is the news.Copy !req
205. And when they do talk about us, what word do they use?Copy !req
206. Minority.Copy !req
207. Minority.Copy !req
208. See, that's what Dave was about.Copy !req
209. Say what you mean, news people.Copy !req
210. The national association of minority-owned business—Copy !req
211. minority entrepreneurship— few minorities—Copy !req
212. and they call you minority—Copy !req
213. rap mogul Russell Simmons was honored todayCopy !req
214. - by the national association of—
- nigger—Copy !req
215. owned business for his outstanding serviceCopy !req
216. to the African-American community.Copy !req
217. News center two's own Jack championship is there.Copy !req
218. You know, Lisa, for the past few years,Copy !req
219. - there's been a spike in—
- nigger—Copy !req
220. entrepreneurship here in America, and few—Copy !req
221. - niggers—
- have been more successfulCopy !req
222. than today's keynote speaker, Mr. Russell Simmons.Copy !req
223. 85% of the people in our public school systemCopy !req
224. are black or brown.Copy !req
225. - And they call you—
- niggers—Copy !req
226. but the fact is, in this state,Copy !req
227. the black and the brown people together are the majority.Copy !req
228. And the fact is, worldwide, white people are the—Copy !req
229. niggers.Copy !req
230. You know, that's how they do it.Copy !req
231. And what's the—what's the other big word they like to use?Copy !req
232. Special interests.Copy !req
233. You know what that means.Copy !req
234. Take a look at this.Copy !req
235. Want this law to pass are minoritiesCopy !req
236. and special interests.Copy !req
237. The only people who want this law to pass are—Copy !req
238. - niggers—
- and—Copy !req
239. fags.Copy !req
240. Y'all stay tuned.Copy !req
241. We gonna be right back with some more chappelle's show.Copy !req
242. Yes!Copy !req
243. I don't believe this, man.Copy !req
244. Welcome back to chappelle's show!Copy !req
245. You know, I can say from experience thatCopy !req
246. when you blow up in show business,Copy !req
247. things change and kind of get surreal.Copy !req
248. You start getting offers from all kinds of places,Copy !req
249. and shit just gets weird.Copy !req
250. This is what Dave kind of went through.Copy !req
251. Check it out.Copy !req
252. Show business will see you now, Mr. chappelle.Copy !req
253. Thank you.Copy !req
254. I'm a little nervous.Copy !req
255. That's completely natural.Copy !req
256. Everyone gets nervous the first time they meet show business.Copy !req
257. Except p. Diddy.Copy !req
258. what's up, playboy?Copy !req
259. Oww!Copy !req
260. Uh-uh...Copy !req
261. Uh-uh. Uh-uh, uh-uh.Copy !req
262. Voting is sexy, right?Copy !req
263. Dave chappelle.Copy !req
264. I've been waiting for you.Copy !req
265. I am the great and powerful show business.Copy !req
266. Congratulations on two good seasons.Copy !req
267. Now it's time to make your money.Copy !req
268. So tell me, what are your goals for your career?Copy !req
269. I don't know.Copy !req
270. I was thinking maybe I'd stay true to myself,Copy !req
271. you know, speak my mind.Copy !req
272. Tv guide was right!Copy !req
273. You are the funniest man on television!Copy !req
274. Just do what I say.Copy !req
275. It'll be painless, and you'll be rich.Copy !req
276. I have one word for you... Are you listening?Copy !req
277. Uh-oh.Copy !req
278. Merchandising.Copy !req
279. What you got?Copy !req
280. Hey, mom, what's for breakfast?Copy !req
281. Pancakes.Copy !req
282. Oh, mom, not pancakes again.Copy !req
283. I want to eat something fun.Copy !req
284. I think I have just the thing.Copy !req
285. Dave chappelle cereal!Copy !req
286. That's right, kids, I finally got my own cereal,Copy !req
287. the first black man since Mr. t.Copy !req
288. It's got all the treats that you love from my show.Copy !req
289. Purple crack pipes!Copy !req
290. Yellow titty jokes!Copy !req
291. Brown musicians!Copy !req
292. And black and white observations!Copy !req
293. I'm rich, bi-atch!Copy !req
294. Wow!Copy !req
295. See? I told you that was too much.Copy !req
296. You wanna do a movie?Copy !req
297. We'll get one of your hit characters from the tv show,Copy !req
298. take the momentum right into a movie.Copy !req
299. You ready?Copy !req
300. - I don't know.
- Here we go!Copy !req
301. I need you to know the depth of my feelings for you.Copy !req
302. I want you to know that...Copy !req
303. I would die for you.Copy !req
304. No matter what I do, what I say...Copy !req
305. Every time I try to show you, it's as if...Copy !req
306. It's as if you don't hear me.Copy !req
307. Do you?Copy !req
308. Do you?Copy !req
309. What?Copy !req
310. Lil' jon in love...Copy !req
311. Crunking with his bitch's emotions this July 11th.Copy !req
312. Was it good for you?Copy !req
313. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
314. Mmm, you want a sandwich?Copy !req
315. What?Copy !req
316. Mmm, you wanna sandwich?Copy !req
317. What?Copy !req
318. Do you want a sandwich?Copy !req
319. Huh?Copy !req
320. A sandwich.Copy !req
321. Okay!Copy !req
322. Do you love me?Copy !req
323. How's that sandwich coming?Copy !req
324. Yeah.Copy !req
325. This summer, only in theaters.Copy !req
326. I don't know, man.Copy !req
327. I don't think that's gonna be good for 90 minutes.Copy !req
328. Dave, I'm running out of ideas here.Copy !req
329. How would you like to be on mtv cribs?Copy !req
330. Cribs?Copy !req
331. I don't know about that show, man.Copy !req
332. My house is small, and it's not that baller.Copy !req
333. I don't really want to put myselfCopy !req
334. on front street like that.Copy !req
335. You think people actually live like that?Copy !req
336. Mtv puts celebrities in those houses for the dayCopy !req
337. to get audiences to value stupid shit.Copy !req
338. - Word?
- You're perfect for it.Copy !req
339. We're gonna turn you into a baller.Copy !req
340. A baller?Copy !req
341. What's up, mtv?Copy !req
342. Come on in, you broke motherfuckers.Copy !req
343. See how we livin'.Copy !req
344. Ah—ah.Copy !req
345. What you're stepping on is a marble foyerCopy !req
346. that was cut out of none other than space Mountain.Copy !req
347. Very rare.Copy !req
348. You like this coat?Copy !req
349. White panda.Copy !req
350. Hulk hogan choked one out for me in China for my birthday.Copy !req
351. It's reversible.Copy !req
352. This side is bald eagle.Copy !req
353. Look at my chandelier.Copy !req
354. It's $2 million.Copy !req
355. It's made out of expensive chicken dinnersCopy !req
356. I've eaten over the years from baller-ass restaurants.Copy !req
357. Come with me.Copy !req
358. Ha!Copy !req
359. You'll notice here, these are some African statues.Copy !req
360. I don't really fuck with Africa,Copy !req
361. 'cause people are starving to death,Copy !req
362. and that's not baller to me.Copy !req
363. Come on, motherfuckers. Keep up.Copy !req
364. Now it's time to see my shoe collection.Copy !req
365. You know ballers love nice shoes.Copy !req
366. Everybody got they dunks and they jordsCopy !req
367. or whatever it is they wearing,Copy !req
368. but, see, I like to cut the middleman.Copy !req
369. Fuck shoe closet;Copy !req
370. I got my own sweatshop, nigga.Copy !req
371. Goddamn!Copy !req
372. I got these bitches working 16 hours straight.Copy !req
373. The heart of every house is the kitchen, right?Copy !req
374. What's that you say?Copy !req
375. You're a fan of archeology?Copy !req
376. Right here on the bottom shelf,Copy !req
377. you might recognize this as a tyrannosaurus Rex egg.Copy !req
378. There's only two of these left in the world.Copy !req
379. Each of these bitches is 4 million years old apiece, son.Copy !req
380. Goddamn.Copy !req
381. Rare. Very hard to find.Copy !req
382. And I happen to have both of 'em.Copy !req
383. Good God! Whoo-eee, that smell wild!Copy !req
384. Damn fool—Copy !req
385. goddamn!Copy !req
386. It's pulpy.Copy !req
387. 4 million year old meat, nigga.Copy !req
388. Goddamn, that shit smells wild.Copy !req
389. I don't think this is gonna be enough for everybody.Copy !req
390. I'm gonna get one more of these eggs.Copy !req
391. Y'all want to eat some dinosaur, nigga?Copy !req
392. Let's try it out.Copy !req
393. Damn, that shit stinks.Copy !req
394. Whoo!Copy !req
395. Oh, my God, it's—Copy !req
396. I swear to—Copy !req
397. son, it's hatching.Copy !req
398. Oh, shit!Copy !req
399. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a 4 million year old egg.Copy !req
400. Come on, girl. Push.Copy !req
401. Life.Copy !req
402. Life is happening, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
403. The first t. Rex that the world has seen in 4 million years.Copy !req
404. It's happening in my home.Copy !req
405. This is the most baller shit ever!Copy !req
406. Yes. Yes.Copy !req
407. I just wish I had...Copy !req
408. My scissors!Copy !req
409. Oh, I'm hungry, nigga. I'm hungry.Copy !req
410. Oh.Copy !req
411. Oh, nigga, that tastes baller. Oh.Copy !req
412. Oh, hold up.Copy !req
413. Recipe ain't right...Copy !req
414. Unless I make it right.Copy !req
415. This here's diamonds.Copy !req
416. I sprinkle diamonds on everything I eat.Copy !req
417. One, it's the most baller shitCopy !req
418. you could possibly do to your food,Copy !req
419. and two, makes my dookie twinkle, man.Copy !req
420. 'Cause it's baller!Copy !req
421. Baller!Copy !req
422. Thanks for coming by, cribs.Copy !req
423. We'll be back with more chappelle's showCopy !req
424. after these messages.Copy !req
425. Hey, help us, robot. Help us. Help us.Copy !req
426. Thank y'all for letting usCopy !req
427. come in y'all household every fucking week.Copy !req
428. And most of all, thanks for helping us allCopy !req
429. put closure to a great moment in comedy.Copy !req
430. That's coming from the heart,Copy !req
431. from everybody involved with chappelle's show.Copy !req
432. Thank y'all. Good night.Copy !req
433. I'm rich, bi-atch!Copy !req
434. Bye. Thank you.Copy !req
435. My voice don't have quite the authorityCopy !req
436. that I wish it would have, so I hired melle MelCopy !req
437. to punctuate my statements, 'cause I'm baller like that.Copy !req
438. That's right, you punk bitches.Copy !req
439. It's powerful stuff.Copy !req
440. Like, if I'm in the bedroom with my old lady,Copy !req
441. and I might say, "flip over."Copy !req
442. She say, "what you say?"Copy !req
443. I said, "I said, 'flip over.'"Copy !req
444. And she be like, "how'd melle Mel get in the bed?"Copy !req
445. "That's none of your— that's none of your business."Copy !req
446. Ha!Copy !req