Drake & Josh 3x4

Directed by Adam Weissman

Ted Lange as Mr. Calvert • Stacie Chan as Marta • Lou George as Judge • Ajay Vidure as Steve • Scott Halberstadt as Eric Blonowitz

It's the time for the Science Fair. Josh is confident that he'll win first prize, until Mindy Crenshaw returns! Josh comes in second like every year, but he turns out to have a change of heart. After the Science Fair, he develops a liking of Mindy who also has a liking of him. Right before they know it, they're boyfriend and girlfriend!

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know the old expression, "You can't judge a book by its cover."

2. You know, the first time I met Josh, I thought he was kind of goofy.

3. Like the first time I met Drake, I didn't think he was the friendliest guy.

4. I was having lunch at school.

5. I saw Drake having lunch at the cool kids table.

6. And this kid Josh comes up to me and says,

7. "Hey there, want to see a magic trick?".

8. So to show him I was cool, I did this magic trick

9. where I make two olives disappear ...up my nose!

10. And then Josh takes two olives and shows him right up his nose.

11. So there I am with a nose full of olives.

12. And they got stuck up there.

13. And somehow they got wedged up in my sinus cavity.

14. - Yeah, so Josh starts yelling. - So I start screaming.

15. - Help me! - Help me!

16. I can't get the olives out of my nose.

17. Help me get these olives out of my nose!

18. About a few years later, my mom married his dad.

19. But then in ninth grade, my dad married his mom.

20. And Josh and I became brothers.

21. Now, Drake and I are buds.

22. - So I guess the point is, - But the real point is,

23. you don't really know somebody until you really get to know.

24. There's nothing funnier than a fourth grade goob with olives stuck up his nose.

25. Good morning brother!

26. Wake up!

27. What are you doing?

28. Come on, do you know what today is? It's the regional science fair!

29. Wow, really? The regional science fair?

30. Well, I'm gonna have to buy a new outfit.

31. [laughter]

32. Anyway, I thought you hated the science fair

33. since you always come in second place.

34. Yeah, that's because every year I lose to Mindy Crenshaw.

35. But she's still in that mental institution.

36. Remember last year when she tried to get you suspended from school?

37. Don't remind me, I hate that girl.

38. But who cares, right? Because after four straight years of losing,

39. My time has come.

40. You hear that, San Diego? Josh Nichol's time has come!

41. So look out, science fiction--

42. So your project's about gravity?

43. Aw, Josh, another giant magnet?

44. No. It happens to be the biggest electromagnet I've ever made.

45. What's this remote control thingy?

46. Oh, that's how you activate the magnet.

47. Hey, Josh, I'm having a problem with my virtual reality helmet.

48. Do you think you can try it on and tell me if you see Jupiter?

49. Sure. I love Jupiter.

50. [audience laughter]

51. [doorbell rings].

52. Huh.

53. All I see are stars.

54. Yeah, I don't know what's wrong. It was working last night.

55. So you turn the magnet on by pressing this red button?

56. Ow!

57. Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!

58. Marta, can I speak to Drake privately for a sec?

59. Okay, um, get out of here.

60. Come on.

61. No, I'm serious, all right? You know how much this day means to me.

62. I've entered the science fair ever since I was 12,

63. and I lost to Mindy Crenshaw every single year.

64. I can finally win.

65. I wouldn't count on that one, Josh.

66. Mindy?

67. Mindy? How'd you-- where'd you-- Which--?

68. Will you be completing any of these questions?

69. I thought you were locked up in the cuckoo hunt.

70. It was a mental rehabilitation clinic.

71. So you've come back to try and get me suspended again?

72. No, I am here to resume my school work and, more importantly,

73. beat Josh in the science fair. Again.

74. No, all right, no ma'am. I will not be beaten by you again, Mindy.

75. Oh, Josh, how would you learn by now

76. that I can outsmart you whenever I want?

77. You cannot.

78. Say "Fort."

79. Fort.

80. Now say it three times.

81. - Fort, Fort, Fort, - Spell it twice.

82. F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T.

83. Say it two more times.

84. Fort, Fort.

85. Now what do you eat soup with?

86. Haha, Fork.

87. Really? 'Cause I eat soup with a spoon.

88. See, if you ate soup with a fork, the

89. - liquid would just fall through-- - I know!

90. Welcome to my magnetic field of dreams.

91. All right.

92. Now, as you can see, I have placed a full can

93. of mocha cola directly under my enormous magnet.

94. And now, I will activate the electrical current, which will suck the can up

95. through the air a full 36 inches to the magnet.

96. Not kidding.

97. Drum roll, please.

98. [audience laughter]

99. And check it out!

100. - Oh, my God. - Sweet.

101. Thank you.

102. I heart magnetism.

103. Very impressive, Josh. That's gonna be tough to beat.

104. All right, next is Mindy Crenshaw.

105. Thank you, Mr. Peril.

106. Like my worthy opponent, Josh, I also have a great love of magnetism.

107. - She brought a magnet. - Don't worry.

108. And now, my magnet.

109. That's your magnet?

110. How embarrassing.

111. Yeah, not really.

112. A six-pack of mocha cola.

113. Observe.

114. Whoa.

115. Mindy, that was the best we've ever had.

116. Yes, yes. I know.

117. Yeah, why date girls when you could just sit alone in your room doing that.

118. Sure, kick me when I'm down.

119. Okay, what's wrong?

120. - You don't care. - True, see ya.

121. Mindy Crenshaw's ruining my life. All right, that's what's wrong.

122. They let her out of the wacky shack?

123. What am I gonna do?

124. Look, Josh, here's a little riddle for you.

125. If you're in the street and a truck's coming towards you, what do you do?

126. A spoon!

127. What?

128. Nothing. What do you do?

129. You avoid it.

130. You get out of the way, because if it's you

131. against a truck, you're gonna lose Josh,

132. and Mindy is the truck in your life.

133. And if it makes you feel any better, I hate Mindy just as much as you do.

134. Why's that?

135. Because she makes your life miserable.

136. And that's my job.

137. Hi, Josh.

138. You are the truck in my life, so I avoid you.

139. All right, class, take your seats.

140. Now, as you know, your oral reports are due at the end of the month.

141. It can be about either World War I, World War II, or anyone that makes you happy.

142. Will we be working in pairs?

143. Because I want Eric to be my partner.

144. No, I am tired of you.

145. Eric, who would you like as your partner?

146. I choose Melanie.

147. What?! She doesn't appreciate you.

148. Okay, next up, Mindy Crenshaw.

149. Mindy, pick a partner.

150. All right.

151. I pick Josh.

152. Josh?

153. What?

154. Which, you picked me? But-- but-- then Mr. Caledim, but that would mean that we were--

155. and then we were, we would have to, but I don't like that.

156. Hi, I'm Mindy.

157. Yeah, I know who you are.

158. Uh...

159. I'm here to see Josh.

160. I know why you're here.

161. Is there a problem between us?

162. I work hard, Mindy.

163. I work hard because I love what I do.

164. And what I do is harass my brothers, and that includes Josh.

165. - I see. - Do you?

166. Because I hear that you've been harassing Josh,

167. and I just want to know what gives you the right.

168. - Megan, may I call you Megan? - No

169. You enjoy bothering Josh, so do I.

170. We share the same goal here, you know what I mean?

171. I'm listening.

172. Josh is in high school. You're in grade school.

173. That means for eight hours a day you can't get to him.

174. So if I harass him at school, and you harass him at home,

175. we stay out of each other's way, and Josh is miserable almost all the time.

176. That does sound nice.

177. Atta girl.

178. Hey, hey! Hands off my sister's shoulder.

179. I don't want her clothes to be on fester with Mindy gerbs.

180. I'm just impressed you knew the word "infested" and used it properly in a sentence.

181. Come on, Megan. Let's go burn your shirt.

182. - What are you two talking about? - Oh, you know, just girl stuff.

183. So, uh, if you take a look here, you'll see

184. I've drawn up a complete work schedule,

185. which lays out exactly when we'll be working together on that oral report.

186. A work schedule?

187. Yes. It's color coded, so even you can understand it.

188. Wait a second.

189. What's this here working three hours a night for the next four weeks?

190. I thought four hours a night might be too much for your smallest brain to handle.

191. My smallest brain can handle plenty.

192. It's my smallest eyes that are gonna have trouble,

193. 'cause they gotta look at you. Yeah, I said it.

194. Well, actually, the human eyes are technically just receptors.

195. The pickup visual images, which make no sense until deciphered by the brain,

196. which in your case happens to be smallish.

197. Why do you have to one-on me all the time?

198. What-- do you just get your jollies making me look dumb?

199. Who said I think you're dumb?

200. Maybe I happen to think you're very smart.

201. - Maybe I just-- - Well, maybe you just what?

202. - Maybe I just like you. - Well may--

203. Maybe I just like you, too?

204. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

205. Maybe I've liked you for a really long time,

206. but didn't realize it, 'cause I hated you so much.

207. - Are you saying you like me or not? - Are you saying you like me or not?

208. - I'm saying I like you. - Well, then I'm saying I like you.

209. - Fine. - Fine!

210. Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

211. - One condition! - What?

212. I get to be the boyfriend.

213. It's my... girlfriend.

214. - Hey there, pretty lady. - Hey, cupcake.

215. - May I show you to the couch? - Please.

216. I like your shirt.

217. I like your feet.

218. Oh, Josh!

219. You know, we should really get to work.

220. Oh, right.

221. Well, I don't know about you, but my favorite war

222. has always been the one between the Spaniards and the Norwegians,

223. which began when King Olaf insulted the daughter of...

224. Rawr!

225. What's that?

226. A present.

227. You got this for me.

228. - I know how much you like sharks. - They're my favorite ocean predators.

229. I know.

230. Oh, this is so sweet, but I didn't get you anything.

231. Oh, you are definitely a better boyfriend than I am a girlfriend.

232. No, now you're definitely a better girl.

233. Hey, hey, Drake.

234. Hey, Josh. Hello, creature.

235. We were just working on our project.

236. Oh, yeah? When does that prison sentence end?

237. Oh, Drake.

238. Josh, he's being very mean to me. Say something.

239. Right.

240. Um, Drake, pretty, uh, pants.

241. Thank you?

242. Anyway, I'm going to the premiere to meet the guys.

243. Later, Josh.

244. Later, horrible girl.

245. Oh, you with the comments and the pretty pants?

246. Where were we? So, uh, I think that, uh...

247. I cannot believe Drake would talk that way to his brother's girlfriend.

248. Yeah, um, what are you gonna do?

249. Uh, so, I think this is part of what...

250. Unless he doesn't know I'm your girlfriend?

251. Oh, that is rich! Anyway.

252. Um... You haven't told him, have you?

253. - Well, uh... - We've been dating for two weeks

254. and you haven't told your brother?

255. Are you embarrassed of me?

256. No.

257. No, no, of course not. It's just--

258. I'm just afraid of how Drake's gonna take it, 'cause he doesn't exactly...

259. like you.

260. Well, I know, but... You and I have feelings for each other.

261. It makes me feel really weird that you would hide that from your own family.

262. Yeah.

263. Yeah, you're right.

264. Yeah, I'll tell Drake about us tomorrow.

265. Promise?

266. Promise.

267. You may hug me.

268. Sweet!

269. What's up, Pacey?

270. What, Drake? We gotta talk.

271. There's no easy way to say this, but uh...

272. Mindy and I are boyfriend and girlfriend.

273. Oh, Drake, your head's fine.

274. You have pretty eyes.

275. Sorry, I just had a nightmare.

276. Oh, the one where you get your foot stuck in the horse?

277. No, this one was much worse.

278. Worse than getting your foot stuck in a horse-- No, Drake, I--

279. I gotta talk to you for a second.

280. Okay, what's up?

281. I'm sorry I had a nightmare and woke you up.

282. I must have had too much pie.

283. Yeah, how great is pie?

284. Why was Josh screaming?

285. Did the eggs hatch?

286. - What? - What eggs?

287. Nothing.

288. So, what did Drake say when you told him we're boyfriend and girlfriend?

289. Oh, uh, just...

290. Yay!

291. Yay? Why would he say that if he hates me?

292. Well, you know, it wasn't like a-- Yay! It was more like a... Yay!

293. Well, regardless of his yay, I think it was

294. really sweet and brave of you to tell him.

295. Thanks.

296. You're really special, Josh.

297. Oh, we should probably get back to the project.

298. Oh, wait, um, you know, Josh, I researched

299. a few relationship timing models on the web,

300. and I've concluded that sometimes in like three to five days we should have...

301. - You know. - our first kiss.

302. You don't have to convince me.

303. I'm on board with the whole kissing thing.

304. Oh, well.

305. Excellent.

306. I should have probably dim the lights.

307. - Oh! - What?

308. Look, I didn't tell Drake we were dating, all right?

309. I'm sorry, but I couldn't. I'm afraid of what he'll think.

310. Oh, there.

311. I got that off my chest.

312. Now we can kiss.

313. Josh! If you can't tell your own brother we're dating,

314. then I don't think I can date you.

315. - Oh, Mindy. - I'll see you later.

316. At least I got custody of you.

317. Drake, we gotta talk.

318. What's going on?

319. Mindy and I are dating.

320. Huh?

321. You hate me. I knew you would.

322. - Josh. - I don't even blame you, all right?

323. - You have every right to hate me. - Josh.

324. After what she did to you last year, you-- you must--

325. Josh, listen! I don't hate you.

326. But you think I'm an idiot for dating her.

327. No, that's not why I think you're an idiot.

328. Dude, you should date whoever you want to date.

329. Doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

330. But, but you-- - So I don't like her big deal.

331. I don't like half the girls I date.

332. You know you're my brother, Josh.

333. If she makes you happy, then I'm happy.

334. You're the best? You know that?

335. Well, yes.

336. - So? - So?

337. Josh, he's got himself a girlfriend.

338. Had a girlfriend.

339. Had?

340. Yeah, she, um, she kind of broke up with me.

341. Why?

342. Did you show her your yoyo collection, Josh?

343. I told you, it's not cool.

344. Drake, no.

345. She broke up with me because I wouldn't tell you we were dating.

346. Oh, okay. I get it. Let's go.

347. Go where?

348. To Mindy's house.

349. You're gonna get back together with her.

350. Are you really gonna help me get her back?

351. Josh, I've been waiting two and a half years for you to get a girlfriend, ok?

352. I'm not gonna let you blow it on something stupid, come on.

353. - Oh, wait. - What?

354. Well, uh, since you're helping me with Mindy?

355. - Like, when I went into kiss her? - Not helping you with that.

356. I can't do this.

357. Yes, you can.

358. But, but it's after your midnight, all right?

359. Her parents are probably asleep.

360. Yeah, which is why you're gonna climb up there and knock on her window.

361. I know. You think this is really gonna work?

362. - You think I know about girls? - More than a young man should.

363. So trust me, come on.

364. Go.

365. All right, yeah, keep going.

366. Little more. Just get to the top.

367. Don't boundaries!

368. It's coming!

369. Yeah, it's good for the spine.

370. Just get off of me!

371. Now what am I gonna do?

372. Here, get on my shoulders.

373. That's hazardous!

374. They're my shoulders, now hurry.

375. Ah, high enough?

376. Ah, yeah, I think so.

377. Good, now knock on her window and get back together

378. with her before I suffer permanent nerve damage.

379. - Hey, Mindy. - Hi.

380. Um, what are you doing at my window?

381. Oh, Josh, getting kind of heavy.

382. First I want you to know that,

383. that I told Drake about us, that we're dating.

384. Were dating.

385. Wrap it up, Josh!

386. Look, you're right.

387. You're right, you are smarter than me 'cause...

388. I was dumb enough to mess up the first real relationship I've ever had.

389. Anyway...

390. I just want to say I'm sorry.

391. Oh, serious pain now?

392. Look, I really appreciate your apology and I accept it.

393. But after what happened, I don't really think we should date anymore.

394. Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I totally agree.

395. I'm glad you understand.

396. Oh, yeah.

397. Well, I'll see you later.

398. - Night. - Night.

399. Oh, just kiss me.

400. That was awesome.

401. You filled a rat with helium?

402. Didn't think it possible, did ya?

403. Show him, Eric.

404. Alrighty, you see, by filling the rat with helium,

405. we were able to study the effects of...

406. Nice going, Eric!

407. Don't you come out of tune with me, Mr.

408. Just... help me find a ladder!

409. Hang on, Leonard! Daddy's coming!