1. - Hi.
- Hi! Hi, Ben.
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2. - Hi.
- We have a bathroom emergency.
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3. - Oh, yeah. Go ahead.
- Okay, uh, before we do...
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4. uh, are any of Joey's special
romance magazines in there?
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5. - No.
- Okay, all clear.
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6. Thanks, Phoebe.
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7. That's Rachel.
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8. - But whatever.
- Mm-hm.
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9. Could you do me a big favor?
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10. The, uh, dean's office called
and said there was an urgent meeting.
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11. Can you watch Ben for an hour?
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12. - Well, what about Monica?
- Uh, she isn't home.
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13. So it would just be me alone?
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14. - Well, Ben would be there.
- No...
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15. Huh. Um...
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16. - What's the matter?
- Well, uh, you know, it's just, uh...
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17. I've never done that before.
Me and him, alone.
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18. He's not an ex-con.
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19. Okay, okay, okay. Um...
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20. - What do I do with him?
- I don't know, talk to him.
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21. Entertain him. Keep him alive.
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22. - Okay.
Okay, Ben, come here.
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23. I'm gonna leave you here with
Aunt Rachel for about an hour, okay?
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24. Gonna be okay?
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25. - I think so.
- I wasn't talking to you.
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26. What about the second minister?
I kind of liked him.
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27. - You mean the spitter?
- Come on. He wasn't that bad.
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28. Easy for you to say,
you'd be wearing a veil.
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29. - And the third guy?
- He kept staring at your chest.
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30. Can you blame him?
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31. I don't like the idea of me saying, "I do"...
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32. while he's thinking, "I'd do it too."
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33. - Well, then we still have a problem.
- With what?
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34. We need someone
to perform our wedding...
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35. and they're all either
boring or annoying...
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36. or keep staring at the ladies.
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37. Ooh, you should have one of us do it.
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38. We're getting "married" married,
not "6th-grade" married.
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39. No, it's a real thing.
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40. Anyone can be ordained on the Internet
and perform weddings and stuff.
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41. I call it!
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42. What? It was my idea!
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43. Thank you very much,
but neither of you is marrying us.
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44. Does calling it not mean
anything anymore?
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45. We're having a legitimate clergy member.
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46. And when I say legitimate, I mean gay...
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47. and in control of his saliva.
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48. Ben, you know, when, uh...
When you were a baby...
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49. we'd hang out all the time.
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50. Because I was your daddy's girlfriend.
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51. But you're not anymore.
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52. - No, I'm not.
- Because you guys were on a break...
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53. Hey, we were not on a... Okay.
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54. - When's my daddy coming back?
- Fifty-two minutes.
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55. So no brothers or sisters, huh?
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56. You know what, I had two sisters
and we just tortured each other.
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57. - Really? Like how?
- Well, you know, we would, um...
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58. We'd repeat everything the other said...
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59. or, uh, we'd jump out of closets
to scare each other...
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60. or, ha, switch the sugar for the salt
so they put salt on their cereal.
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61. That's a good one.
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62. - Yeah, you like that one?
- Yeah, you're funny.
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63. I'm funny?
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64. Oh, thank God.
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65. Well, hey, I got a ton of these.
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66. Um, you, uh... You take a quarter...
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67. You take a quarter...
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68. and you blacken the edge, right?
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69. And then you say,
"I bet you can't roll this quarter...
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70. to your chin without it leaving your face."
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71. And when they do it, they're left with
a line down the center of their face.
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72. Can I do it to you?
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73. Yeah, I'm funny, Ben, but I'm not stupid.
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74. Heh, okay?
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75. So did you, uh,
find anyone to marry you guys yet?
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76. No, but "Horny for Monica" minister called...
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77. wondering if we're still together.
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78. - We'll never find anybody.
- Then let me do it.
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79. - Joe...
- No, I've been thinking.
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80. I'm an actor, so I won't
get nervous in front of people.
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81. I won't spit and I won't stare
at Monica's breasts.
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82. Everyone knows I'm an ass man.
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83. - That is true.
- And the most important thing...
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84. is it won't be some stranger
who barely knows you.
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85. It'll be me. And I swear,
I'll do a really good job.
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86. Plus, I love you guys
and it would really mean a lot to me.
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87. Might be kind of cool.
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88. - So I can do it?
- Yeah, you can do it.
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89. All right! Okay!
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90. Okay, I gotta get started
on my speech.
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91. Wait a minute.
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92. - Internet ministers can still have sex?
- Yeah.
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93. Coming.
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94. I have a bone to pick with you.
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95. - Uh-oh.
- Yes.
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96. Ben learned a little trick.
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97. - Oh, did he pull the old...?
- That's right, that's right.
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98. Saran wrap on the toilet seat...
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99. so the pee goes everywhere.
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100. - Oh, that.
- Yeah, that.
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101. You know I hate practical jokes.
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102. They're mean, they're stupid
and I don't want my son learning them.
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103. Oh, come on. Saran wrap on the toilet seat?
Isn't that just a little funny?
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104. - I was barefoot.
- Oh.
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105. Tell me, the toilet thing is the
only thing you taught him, right?
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106. Yes.
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107. - Hey.
- Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani.
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108. - You got ordained?
Yeah.
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109. Just got off the Internet.
Man, there's a lot of porn out there.
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110. Our minister.
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111. I started on what I'm gonna say
for the ceremony. Want to hear it?
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112. - Yeah.
- Listen, this is just the first draft, so...
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113. "We are gathered here today
on this joyous occasion...
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114. to celebrate the special love
that Monica and Chandler share.
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115. Huh? Right.
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116. It is a love based on giving and receiving...
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117. as well as having and sharing.
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118. And the love that they give and have
is shared and received.
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119. And through this having and giving...
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120. and sharing and receiving...
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121. we too can share and love and have...
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122. and receive."
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123. Should we call the spitter?
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124. - Ha! Hey, Rachel.
- Hi.
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125. What a surprise.
What are you doing here?
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126. I was just in the neighborhood...
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127. and I passed by your building
and thought, "What's up with Carol...
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128. and sweet little Ben?"
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129. - That's nice. Well, uh, come on in.
- Okay.
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130. Um, I'll make some coffee
and, uh, we can chat.
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131. I'd love that. I would love that.
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132. So, uh... So where is sweet little Ben?
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133. I would love to have a little...
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134. I found him!
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135. Very funny. Come here.
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136. That is exactly why I've come here
to talk to you, okay?
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137. Rach, you want some sugar?
- Yes, but...
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138. Do I want sugar in my coffee?
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139. No, just some milk would
be good, Carol. Thanks.
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140. Okay. Remember all that stuff
I taught you yesterday?
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141. "Remember all that stuff
I taught you yesterday?"
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142. - Don't do that.
- "Don't do that."
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143. - Your dad doesn't like pranks.
- "Your dad doesn't like pranks."
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144. - Oh, damn it.
- "Oh, damn it!"
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145. No! Don't say that.
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146. - Damn it!
- Go back to repeating.
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147. - Damn it!
- Oh, crap.
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148. - "Oh, crap!"
- Oh.
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149. Okay, I got some more written, ready?
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150. Yeah, okay.
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151. "When I think of the love that these
two givers and receivers share...
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152. I can't help but envy the lifetime
ahead of having and loving...
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153. and giving..." And then I can't
think of a good word for right here.
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154. - How about "receiving"?
- Yes!
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155. See, Joe, not that that's not great...
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156. but one cool thing about having
a friend perform the ceremony...
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157. is that it can be about us.
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158. It can be more personal.
You can tell stories about us.
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159. Ooh, ooh.
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160. Uh, okay. Maybe I'll talk about London.
You know, when you two hooked up.
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161. Only I won't say "hooked up"...
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162. I'll say, "began their beautiful journey...
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163. - There you go.
by doing it."
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164. - Joe.
- Okay, all right, um...
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165. So, uh... So how did it happen?
Did your eyes meet across the room...
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166. then you're in the bathtub
and she's feeding you strawberries?
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167. - Isn't that what happened to you?
- Yeah!
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168. I call that "London style."
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169. That didn't happen with us.
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170. Ooh, but maybe you should say it is,
because "London style" sounds nice.
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171. Yeah.
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172. Okay, uh...
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173. I was sad that night because
this guy thought I was Ross' mom.
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174. Ah.
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175. And Chandler was really sweet
and he consoled me...
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176. and we drank too much.
- Yeah, baby.
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177. I was a gentleman and I walked her
to her hotel room and said good night.
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178. Oh.
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179. - But then, later that night...
- Yeah, baby.
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180. Hey.
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181. Cute P.J.s. Really living it up
here in London, huh?
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182. Well, I wasn't exactly
expecting company after...
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183. 9:15.
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184. Is Joey here?
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185. Last I saw he was with a bridesmaid
and a bucket of strawberries.
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186. So, uh, you're not still upset
about what that guy told you, are you?
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187. Wouldn't you be?
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188. It's been a really emotional time
and you've had a lot to drink...
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189. You have to let that go, okay?
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190. You were the most beautiful woman
in the room tonight.
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191. Really?
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192. You kidding? You're the most
beautiful woman in most rooms...
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193. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?
We just made out.
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194. - We're making out?
- Not anymore.
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195. - But we don't do that.
- I know, I thought it would be fun.
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196. How drunk are you?
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197. Enough to know I want to do this.
Not so much that you should feel guilty.
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198. That's the perfect amount.
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199. - You know what's weird?
- What?
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200. - This doesn't feel weird.
- I know.
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201. - You're a really good kisser.
- Well, I have kissed over four women.
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202. - Want to get under the covers?
- Mm-hm.
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203. Okay.
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204. Wow, you are really fast!
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205. It bodes well for me
that speed impresses you.
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206. - We're gonna see each other naked.
- Yep.
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207. - At the same time?
- Count of three?
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208. One, two, three.
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209. Well, I think it's safe to say
our friendship is effectively ruined.
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210. - Eh, we weren't that close anyway.
- Eh.
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211. Joey, Joey, Joey. It's Joey.
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212. Hey.
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213. Hey, Joe. I was just watching a movie...
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214. Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.
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215. No!
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216. It's cool, I'm still with my bridesmaid.
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217. Where are the condoms?
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218. In my bag over there.
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219. Ah.
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220. Uh...
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221. could you leave me one?
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222. For just you?
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223. Yeah.
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224. All right. There you go, buddy.
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225. Go nuts.
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226. That's what that was?
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227. Can you imagine
if I hadn't left you that last one?
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228. You two might've never gotten together.
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229. Oh, ooh. Can you imagine if I had sent
that hooker up, like I was gonna?
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230. - It's like it was in the stars.
Hmm.
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231. Yeah, totally meant to be.
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232. Tell him who you originally
wanted to hook up with that night.
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233. - What?
- What?
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234. What?
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235. Who did you originally
want to hook up with?
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236. Okay, fine, but please don't be upset.
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237. I was really depressed, okay?
And really drunk.
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238. I wanted something stupid
and meaningless. I just wanted sex.
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239. So when I went to your room that night...
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240. I was actually looking for Joey.
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241. Yeah, baby.
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242. No, baby.
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243. Oh, my God.
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244. You came looking for Joey?
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245. - Were you planning on telling me this?
- No, I didn't think it was important.
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246. It's not important? It's not important?
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247. If it wasn't for a bridesmaid,
you'd be marrying him.
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248. No! Do you know how unbelievably
glad I am that Joey wasn't there?
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249. Hey!
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250. I'm a man of the cloth
but I still have feelings.
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251. There's no way you're doing
this wedding now, okay?
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252. What? That's not fair. It's not my fault.
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253. I was with my bridesmaid.
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254. And who's to say I would've said yes?
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255. I mean, I would've said yes.
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256. Look, you are making way
too big a deal out of this.
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257. Everything worked out okay.
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258. It's just weird, okay?
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259. I don't want to be saying my vows with
the mental image of you and Monica.
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260. I need... I don't know what I need.
I need a walk.
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261. - Wait, Chandler, it's not a big deal.
- It is to me.
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262. You wanted to sleep with Batman
and settled for Robin.
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263. - This is crazy.
- No, Robin is so gay.
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264. - So now what have we agreed?
- No more pranks.
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265. - What else?
- You and Daddy were not on a break.
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266. Very good.
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267. Rachel, what are you doing here?
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268. I'm just visiting my good friend Carol.
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269. - Your good friend?
- Yeah.
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270. What's her last name?
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271. Carol...
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272. Lesbian.
- Nice.
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273. By the way, that, uh...
That line down my face...
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274. The line that prompted a student
in my last class of the day to say:
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275. "Dude, don't you ever wash your face?"
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276. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
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277. I don't want you teaching my son
that stuff anymore.
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278. - Okay?
- Fine. Fine.
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279. Once I taught him that stuff,
he called me "fun Aunt Rachel."
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280. And I loved being fun Aunt Rachel.
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281. I'm glad you guys were bonding but...
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282. Look, he doesn't have any siblings.
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283. Somebody has to teach him this stuff.
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284. I haven't taught him anything
a normal 6-year-old doesn't know.
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285. Crap!
- I gotta go.
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286. Hey.
- Hey.
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287. You want this scone? It came for me
but it would rather sleep with you.
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288. Nothing even happened.
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289. I just... I don't want you to be upset.
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290. How can I not be upset?
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291. I finally fall in love
with this fantastic woman...
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292. and it turns out she wanted you first.
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293. Yeah, for like a half an hour one night.
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294. Chandler, she wants you
for the rest of her life.
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295. We look at you and we see you together,
and it just...
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296. It fits, you know?
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297. And you just know
it's gonna last forever.
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298. That's what you should say.
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299. What?
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300. When you're marrying us,
that's what you should say.
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301. Really? I could do it?
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302. I'd love you to do it.
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303. Hey.
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304. But those are the words.
Those exact words.
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305. Well, I don't remember exactly...
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306. but it's pretty much about having
and giving and sharing and receiving.
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307. - Hey.
Hey.
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308. - So you guys doing okay?
Yeah.
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309. We talked and Monica made me see
that I overreacted a little bit.
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310. - Some things are more important.
- Yeah, baby.
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311. I'm really glad you guys are okay,
but I just keep thinking...
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312. what would've happened
if you two had hooked up.
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313. Honey, dinner's ready!
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314. What's my little chef got for me tonight?
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315. - Your favorite.
- Ho, ho, ho.
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316. Fried stuff with cheese.
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317. Yep.
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318. And lots of it!
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319. Thanks, sweetheart.
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320. Give me a little sugar. Okay.
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321. You wanna go...?
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322. Here we go, here we go, here we go.
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323. How you doing?
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324. - Hey.
- Hey!
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325. I'm sorry to do this again,
but could you look after Ben for a bit?
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326. I've got this meeting at school...
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327. and he asked for his "fun Aunt Rachel."
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328. Well, of course I will watch him.
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329. We have fun, don't we, Ben?
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330. - Okay. See you later, pal.
Okay.
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331. Wait a minute. Ben, I can't do it.
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332. - You got something on your back.
- What?
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333. That's great. That is great.
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334. What did we just finish
talking about, Ben?
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335. "What did we just finish
talking about, Ben?"
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336. That's it! Come here!
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337. - You're in big trouble, young man!
- No, wait.
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338. Ben, come here! I am not kidding!
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339. You guys, hold it. Seriously...
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340. Oh, my God!
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