1. - Hey.
Hey.
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2. I saw the Porsche parked out front.
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3. Can I get the keys?
I'll take that bad boy for a spin.
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4. Ross drives it? When I ask,
you say you're the only one allowed to.
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5. He's my brother, plus he drives
so slow he couldn't hurt it.
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6. It's a car, Monica, not a rocket ship.
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7. Whatever, Ross.
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8. Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights
after you're done.
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9. - Hey.
Hi.
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10. Saw the Porsche. Looking good.
When can I take it out again?
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11. - You let Joey drive it?
- I've never driven it. Not once.
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12. Okay, once. Okay, I drive it all the time.
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13. So much for the "you can drive it
but don't tell Rachel" plan.
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14. Wow, I can't believe you lied to me.
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15. I can fix this. Monica, Rachel thinks
all you can talk about is the wedding.
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16. I won't let you drive the Porsche
because you're a terrible driver.
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17. There. That wasn't about the wedding.
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18. If you want a ride in the Porsche,
I'll take you around the block.
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19. You got a couple hours?
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20. Whew, that was a brisk ride.
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21. - Take the top down, did you?
- Only way to fly.
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22. Give me the keys. Monica's wrong.
I'm an excellent driver.
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23. You're fast and irresponsible.
That adds up to a bad driver.
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24. In high school, that added up
to head cheerleader.
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25. Did you see the look
that girl just gave me, huh?
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26. She must've seen me cruising
in the bad boy.
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27. - She's checking out your beehive.
- What?
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28. - Give me a brush.
- Give me the keys.
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29. - No way!
- Well, no brush.
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30. Fine. It doesn't matter.
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31. If I remember correctly, there's a comb
on the floor of the bathroom.
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32. Alimony.
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33. We still haven't gotten an RSVP
from your dad.
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34. Oh, right. Um, maybe that's because
I didn't send him an invitation.
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35. Chandler, he's your father.
He should be at your wedding.
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36. I don't even know him.
I haven't seen him in years.
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37. And when he finds out he wasn't asked?
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38. We don't run in the same circles.
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39. I hang out with you guys and he...
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40. stars in a drag show in Vegas.
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41. Ooh, I think I want to trade circles.
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42. You don't want him there.
Nobody will stare at the bride...
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43. when the groom's father's
wearing a backless dress.
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44. Heh, so what?
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45. As long as he's not wearing
a white dress and a veil, I don't care.
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46. I think I need to do some shopping.
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47. Ah.
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48. Ooh, nice.
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49. My God!
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50. - What do you think you're doing?
- Just washing the windshield.
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51. There's no way I'll let you drive this car.
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52. - Just hand over the keys.
- Oh.
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53. Oh, ah-ah-ah!
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54. Do not start this car.
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55. Okay, okay. I will give you 20 bucks...
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56. if you get out of this car right now. Hey!
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57. Look.
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58. If you're so freaked out, get in the car.
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59. With you? Yeah, right.
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60. All right.
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61. Okay, okay, okay.
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62. - What are you doing? Get in front.
- In the death seat?
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63. - Hey, guys.
- Hi, sweetie.
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64. - Ready to go?
- My purse is at Mon's. I'll be back.
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65. - Wait a minute.
- What?
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66. Oh.
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67. Ooh!
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68. Oops.
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69. Whoa, oh, that one kept going.
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70. So, you and Phoebe, huh?
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71. - How long have you been going out?
- A month.
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72. Wow. We ought to get to
know each other better.
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73. - Sure. I'd like that.
- Yeah. So, uh...
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74. What's your name?
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75. - It's Jake.
- Joey.
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76. - Do you like the Knicks?
- Yeah, big fan.
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77. Me too. There's a game Tuesday.
Do you want to go?
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78. Great! Let me make sure
I'm not doing anything Tuesday.
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79. Here.
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80. - What's this?
- Your suitcase. We're going to Vegas.
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81. Are you serious? Eloping?
No more stupid wedding stuff.
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82. No more these flowers, these flowers.
Think of the money we'll save.
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83. We're not eloping. I love the flowers.
Can our wedding be bigger, please?
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84. We're going to see your dad.
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85. I want to get to know my father-in-law.
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86. We already went over this and I won.
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87. No, you didn't. Honey, just so you know...
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88. Now that you're marrying me,
you don't get to win anymore.
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89. Forget it. I don't want to go.
I don't want to see him.
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90. I know your dad embarrassed you.
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91. All kids are embarrassed
by their parents.
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92. You need a new word
for what I went through.
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93. In high school,
he came to all my swim meets...
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94. dressed as a Hollywood starlet.
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95. It's hard enough to be 14.
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96. You're skinny, wearing Speedos
your mom promised you'd grow into.
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97. You look up in the stands.
There's your dad cheering you on.
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98. Dressed as Carmen Miranda,
wearing a headdress with real fruit...
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99. that he'll later give to your friends
as a healthy snack.
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100. The point is that he was at every one
of your swim meets cheering you on.
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101. That's a pretty great dad.
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102. He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi.
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103. - Who's Mr. Garibaldi?
- Does it matter?
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104. Chandler...
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105. You're not 14 anymore, okay?
Maybe it's time you let that stuff go.
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106. If he's not at your wedding,
you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
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107. Okay, but I'm just doing this for you.
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108. Yes!
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109. - I never get to win anymore?
- How much did you ever win before?
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110. - Pheebs.
- Hey.
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111. You know how, uh, when you're wearing pants
and you lean forward...
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112. I check out your underwear?
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113. Yeah.
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114. - Well, when Jake did it...
- Mm-hm.
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115. I saw that he was wearing
women's underwear.
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116. I know. They were mine.
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117. Oh.
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118. No, no, wait. That's weird.
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119. We were goofing around,
and I dared him to try them on.
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120. That's weird!
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121. - I'm wearing his briefs right now.
- That's kind of hot.
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122. I think so too. And that little flap?
Great for holding my lipstick.
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123. I wouldn't know about that.
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124. Jake says that women's underwear
is actually more comfortable.
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125. He loves how silk feels against his skin.
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126. Next he'll say your high heels
are good for his posture.
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127. There's nothing wrong with Jake.
He is all man.
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128. I think, more than you.
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129. He looked like a real lumberjack
in those pink lacies.
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130. Only a man completely secure
with his masculinity...
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131. could walk around in women's underwear.
I don't think you could.
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132. - I am secure with my masculinity.
- Okay, whatever.
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133. You've seen my huge stack of porn.
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134. Where they at? Where they at?
Where they at? Where they at?
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135. God, I forgot how much I love driving.
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136. I have got to get my license renewed.
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137. You don't have a valid driver's license?
Pull over right now.
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138. You're so tense. You just gotta relax, okay?
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139. Okay? Just need to relax. All right?
Just need to relax.
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140. What are you...? That's not funny.
Stop horsing around.
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141. I am not horsing around, okay?
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142. I am "Porsche-ing" around.
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143. Uh-oh.
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144. Stay calm. Nothing will happen.
You're not in that much trouble.
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145. Really? You think so?
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146. I'm talking to myself. You're going down!
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147. I can feel something inside me say
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148. Has someone taken your order?
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149. Oh, yeah. She did. Um, he did. She?
I'm sorry, I'm new. I don't...
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150. Mm-hm.
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151. - I just ordered a beer.
- You're straight. I get it.
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152. If we called your dad,
we'd have better seats.
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153. I don't want him to know
we're here yet. I'm not ready.
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154. He won't be too happy to see me either.
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155. Why not?
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156. I don't know if I told you this,
but he's kind of tried to contact me...
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157. a lot over the last few years.
- What?
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158. Yeah. He's made phone calls,
written letters.
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159. He even came to New York.
I said I was too busy.
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160. It's very "Cat's in the Cradle."
I don't want to get into it.
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161. Here we go.
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162. Ladies and gentlemen...
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163. please welcome the incomparable
Helena Handbasket.
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164. Hello, darlings.
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165. And there's Daddy.
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166. Okay. Switch places with me. Come on!
I'll go under, you go over.
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167. - Yeah, I'll get right on that.
- Ugh, come on!
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168. What? No. Hey, Rach, come on.
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169. I'm sure we won't get arrested for this.
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170. God!
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171. Hi, officer. Was I going a little too fast?
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172. Oh, my God.
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173. - Can I see your license, please?
- Oh, yes, absolutely.
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174. It's weird. I had a dream last night
that I was stopped by a policeman.
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175. And then he, um...
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176. Well, I probably shouldn't tell you the rest.
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177. - Your license.
- Yes. Ahem. Here you go, Officer, uh...
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178. Handsome.
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179. - It's Hanson.
- Oops, sorry. My mistake.
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180. Dear Lord!
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181. - Wow!
- Here it comes.
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182. This is a great picture.
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183. Ah!
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184. Really? You think so?
You know, I had just rolled right out of bed.
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185. You look phenomenal.
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186. She should! It was taken 10 years ago!
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187. You know, you're probably, um...
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188. Probably wondering about the old date.
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189. Yes, I am. You're an Aquarius, huh?
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190. - I'll bet you're a Gemini.
- No.
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191. - Taurus?
- No.
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192. - Virgo?
- No.
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193. - Sagittarius?
- Yep.
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194. I knew it. I knew it!
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195. - You won't speed anymore, right?
- I won't speed.
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196. - Promise to take care of this?
- I promise.
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197. Let him drive. Does he have a license?
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198. - Yeah.
- Can he handle a stick?
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199. - Oh, well...
- I can handle a stick!
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200. I feel pretty
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201. Oh, so pretty
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202. I feel pretty and witty and
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203. Gay
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204. - That can't be your father.
- I've been saying that for years.
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205. - Oh, my God!
- What?
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206. That's Mr. Garibaldi playing the piano.
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207. For I'm loved
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208. By a pretty wonderful boy
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209. Hello, and welcome to the show.
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210. I see some of our regulars in the audience.
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211. And a couple of irregulars.
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212. - He's coming into the audience.
- Relax. You'll be fine.
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213. Oh, much better. You're invisible now.
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214. - Where are you from?
- Bakersfield.
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215. - I'm sorry?
- Bakersfield.
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216. No, no, I heard. I'm just sorry.
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217. I'll meet you back at the hotel.
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218. Look, a standing ovation already.
So early in the show.
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219. Turn around, darling.
Let me see your pretty face.
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220. Can we have our drinks, please?
Uh, waiter? tress?
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221. - Hey, Pheebs.
- Hey.
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222. Check it out.
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223. Huh?
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224. How much of a man am I?
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225. Wow, nice. Manly, and also kind of a slut.
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226. You know, I'm beginning to see
what Jake was talking about.
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227. - Uh-huh.
- The silk feels really good.
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228. And things aren't as smashed down
as I thought they would be.
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229. That's great.
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230. You have so many more choices
than with men's underwear.
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231. Bikini, French cut, thong.
And the fabrics: Cotton, silk, lace.
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232. You know what I've always
wondered about? Pantyhose!
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233. The way they start at your toe,
then they go all the way up to...
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234. - I should go take these off.
- I think it's important you do.
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235. Mm.
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236. What's your name?
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237. Chandler.
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238. Chandler?
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239. What an unusual name.
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240. You must have had terribly
fascinating parents.
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241. Oh, they're a hoot.
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242. And who is your friend?
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243. I'm Monica.
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244. - Monica. Where are you from?
- New York.
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245. I'm not very fond of New York.
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246. Queens, I like.
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247. Ooh, what is this...
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248. sparkling something, honey, huh?
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249. Actually, Monica and I are engaged.
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250. Really?
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251. Congratulations.
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252. When's the big day?
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253. In two weeks.
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254. I see.
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255. Well, I wish you both
a lifetime of happiness.
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256. So you're bald.
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257. Wait, wait.
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258. We'd really love it if you could be there.
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259. Really?
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260. I know it would make me happy...
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261. ma'am.
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262. Then I wouldn't miss it for the world.
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263. Oh, I'm getting all misty here. Ha!
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264. You'd think I was having my legs waxed
or something.
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265. - You okay?
- Yeah.
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266. Thanks for making me do this.
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267. Before we go on with the show,
I want to say to the bride and groom...
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268. how lucky they are to have
found each other.
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269. In every life a little rain must fall.
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270. Fortunately...
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271. in my life...
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272. It's raining men
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273. Hallelujah
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274. - It's raining men, uh-huh
- Amen
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275. When I was growing up,
I played the one on the far left.
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276. And it's raining men, amen
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277. Remind me to introduce you to someone.
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278. - Who?
- Fourth gear.
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279. What?
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280. What does he want?
I wasn't doing anything.
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281. Maybe he saw your hands slip briefly
from the 10 and 2:00 position.
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282. Maybe it's, uh, Sergeant Sagittarius
coming back to flirt some more.
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283. It's a different guy.
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284. - Good evening, officer.
- Do you know how fast you were going?
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285. Uh, no, I don't, but it could not
have been more than 60.
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286. You're right. It was 37.
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287. You're not ticketing me
for driving too slow, are you?
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288. That's right.
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289. You know, officer, I, uh...
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290. I had the weirdest dream last night.
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291. Oh, my God!
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292. Your license, please.
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293. You don't want to hear about my dream...
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294. Officer...
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295. Pretty?
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296. It's Petty.
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297. I'll be right back with your ticket.
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298. - You have a son.
- I know. I know.
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299. - Feel better?
- Yeah. Much. Heh.
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300. Listen, uh...
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301. Not that I'm insecure about
my manhood or anything, but, uh...
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302. I need to hook up with
a woman right now.
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303. - I understand.
- Yeah, okay.
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304. - Hey. Hi.
- Hi.
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305. You look familiar. Do I know you?
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306. I don't think so.
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307. Maybe it's because I'm on television.
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308. - I'm an actor on Days of our Lives.
- Wow. Really?
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309. - Four-fifty, please.
- Oh, let me get this.
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310. These are for you.
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