1. - Hey, guys.
Hey.
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2. So, what do you think?
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3. - About what?
- What?
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4. Are you kidding? Okay,
I'll give you a hint. I'll give you a hint.
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5. Eyes. No, no. Your eyes! No.
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6. Chandler's eyes!
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7. I got glasses.
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8. You always had glasses.
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9. No, I didn't.
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10. Are you sure?
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11. Didn't you used to have a pair?
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12. They were really round and burgundy,
and they made you look kind of, um...
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13. - Feminine.
- Yes!
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14. No.
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15. I think the glasses look great.
They make you look sexy.
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16. - Really?
- Yeah.
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17. You didn't think
I used to wear glasses, right?
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18. - Of course.
- Pfft.
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19. I had no idea.
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20. What do you want for
an engagement present?
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21. Oh, that's okay, we're not having a party...
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22. so you don't have to get us...
- Ah, buh-buh-buh! Heh.
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23. If someone wants to give us a present,
we don't want to deprive them of that joy.
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24. Oh, you should get them
one of those little CD players.
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25. Oh, I already have one.
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26. Unless someone borrowed it
and left it at the gynecologist.
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27. Yeah, and by "someone"
she means Joey.
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28. Hey, I know what I want!
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29. - What we want, honey.
- No, you don't want this.
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30. I want to have your grandmother's
cookie recipe.
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31. You mean the chocolate chip
cookie recipe?
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32. - Uh-huh, yeah.
- The one my grandmother...
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33. made me swear on her deathbed...
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34. that I would never
let out of our family?
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35. Dying people say the craziest things.
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36. I've wanted it for years. I was gonna
make cookies for my children.
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37. Break my heart. Oh, all right.
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38. I'll be the mom who makes the
world's best chocolate chip cookies.
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39. Our kids are gonna be fat,
aren't they?
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40. - Ahoy!
Hey.
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41. - How's the boat?
- I'm getting into this sailing stuff.
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42. You finally took it out of the marina?
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43. Why would I do that?
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44. It took three guys
to get the thing in there.
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45. If you don't sail it,
what do you do on it?
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46. It's a great place
to just kind of sit...
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47. hang around, drink a few beers,
eat some chips.
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48. It's good that you finally
have a place to do that.
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49. Joey, I could teach you
to sail if you want.
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50. - You could?
- Yeah, I've been sailing my whole life.
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51. When I was 15,
my dad bought me my own boat.
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52. - Your own boat?
- He was trying to cheer me up.
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53. My pony was sick.
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54. - You know what I was thinking?
- What?
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55. Nothing, I just like to go like this.
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56. - Chandler, what are you doing tonight?
- Why, do you have a lecture?
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57. - No, why?
- Then, free as a bird. What's up?
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58. Uh, my dad wants to know if you want
to play racquetball.
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59. Wow, that's great! Dad must like you.
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60. - He doesn't ask just anyone to play.
- He didn't really ask for you.
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61. He asked for "Chauncey."
I assumed he meant you.
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62. Did you correct him?
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63. No, I thought it would be
more fun this way.
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64. Maybe this is something
you could do this every week.
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65. Or you could sit on the porch...
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66. and make sure no one
steals the trashcans.
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67. He does that every week too.
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68. Just so you know, you have to let
him win. He hates to lose.
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69. Oh, no problem.
Maybe I'll play with my left hand.
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70. You're not a lefty?
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71. Does anybody know me?
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72. What's wrong, Phoebe?
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73. I just went to my old apartment
to get you the cookie recipe...
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74. and that stupid fire burned it up!
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75. No! Why didn't you make a copy
and keep it in a fireproof box...
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76. and keep it at least 100 yards
away from the original?
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77. Because I'm normal.
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78. That was the one legacy
my grandmother left me.
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79. And I know you wanted it
as an engagement present.
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80. We have to get you
an engagement present?
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81. Don't worry about it.
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82. No one got me an engagement present.
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83. Okay, here.
I don't have the recipe, but here.
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84. I wish you health
and happiness.
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85. An old cookie?
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86. See, this is what happens
when you don't register for gifts.
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87. I made a batch and I froze it.
And this is the only one left.
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88. - We can't accept this.
- Why not?
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89. Because it's gross.
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90. No, wait. I think I can figure out
the recipe from this cookie.
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91. I do this at work all the time.
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92. - Really?
- Yeah, I think I can.
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93. Oh, yay!
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94. Okay, Ross, we owe you a present.
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95. Two! I've been engaged twice.
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96. Look at this clown.
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97. Because he's got a bigger boat
he thinks he can take up the whole river.
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98. Get out of the way, jackass!
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99. Who names their boat
Coast Guard, anyway?
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100. - That is the Coast Guard.
- What are they doing out here?
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101. The coast is all the way over there.
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102. Joey, just ignore the boats.
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103. - We're not finished with our lesson.
- All right.
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104. I'm gonna go over the basic
points one more time.
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105. Come on, Rach. Not again. I got it, okay?
Let's start sailing!
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106. I want to go over there
where that boatload of girls is. Yeah, oh!
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107. Oh, is that what you wanna do?
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108. You want to give a shout out
to the old hot chicas?
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109. Okay, let's do that, Sailor Joe.
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110. Quick question, though:
What's this called?
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111. - Uh, boat rope?
- Wrong.
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112. - How do you get the mainsail up?
- Uh...
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113. Rub it?
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114. No. What do you do if I say
we're coming about?
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115. I'd say, "Come again?" Ha, ha.
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116. No, no, I know this one.
I know this one. Uh, um...
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117. Time's up. Now you're dead.
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118. And deaf!
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119. Okay, you go on
and make your little jokes.
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120. If you don't know
what you're doing at sea...
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121. you will die at sea.
Am I getting through to you, sailor?
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122. - Yes.
- Don't just say yes.
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123. This isn't a game.
You could get hurt out here!
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124. So do you want to pay attention,
or do you want to die?
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125. I want to make a
ship-to-shore call to Chandler.
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126. - All right, I definitely taste nutmeg.
- You do?
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127. You don't? Heh.
Well, that's the difference...
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128. between a professional and a layman.
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129. That and arrogance.
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130. Hey.
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131. Hey. How was sailing?
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132. I don't want to talk about it.
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133. - You could've saved me a whole cookie.
- No!
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134. Women are mean!
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135. I can't believe that.
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136. Now the only thing left
of my grandmother's legacy is...
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137. this crumb.
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138. I wish you a long and happy marriage.
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139. - Hey.
- How was it?
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140. Well, I had a great time.
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141. Um, Chauncey on the other hand...
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142. I will tell the story.
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143. It was going great.
I let him win, we were bonding...
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144. he even said I could call him Dad.
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145. And what did he ask you
not to call him?
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146. "Daddy."
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147. Look, here's the story.
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148. We had just finished playing racquetball...
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149. and we were gonna take a steam.
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150. I walk into the steam room...
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151. and it's really steamy.
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152. So I take off my glasses,
and that's when it happened.
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153. Guys?
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154. Over here.
Have a seat, son.
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155. Hey!
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156. - Oh, my God, Chandler! I can't believe it.
- I know.
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157. You gave my father a lap dance.
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158. Why do they put
so much steam in there?
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159. Because otherwise they'd
have to call it the "room" room.
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160. Why, okay? Why?
Why did that have to happen?
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161. Come on, it's not that big a deal.
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162. Not that big a deal? There...
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163. There was touching of things.
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164. I know you wanted
to bond with my dad...
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165. but did you have to bond
to that part?
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166. Listen, I'm sure Dad doesn't care.
He probably thought this was funny.
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167. He'll be telling this story for years.
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168. I don't want him to tell
this story for years.
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169. Oh, but he will.
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170. He still tells the story about how
Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
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171. I wasn't escaping.
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172. Then how'd you get caught
in the barbed wire?
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173. I was trying to help out a squirrel.
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174. You were trying to eat it.
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175. If that is your father calling
to tell this story...
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176. then the marriage is off!
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177. Come on. Hello.
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178. I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
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179. Okay, I'll call you later, Dad. I love you.
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180. - All right, I'm off to see your dad.
- Oh, whoa.
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181. Aren't you a little overdressed?
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182. Yeah, and you better make sure
he tips you this time.
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183. I figured I would try to convince
him not to tell the story anymore...
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184. and I figured the best way
to do that was face to face.
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185. And by "face," I don't mean his lap.
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186. And by "face," I don't mean my ass.
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187. Are you getting Monica
and Chandler an engagement present?
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188. I don't know. You know,
they didn't get us anything.
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189. Thank you!
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190. - Hey.
- Hey.
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191. Well, hello.
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192. So when are we getting
back out on the water, matey?
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193. Oh, uh, I don't know the boat way
to say this, but, never.
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194. - Why not?
- Because you're mean on the boat.
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195. Wha...? I was just trying to teach you.
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196. Well, lesson learned.
Rachel is mean.
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197. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
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198. I remember when she took me out
on her dad's boat.
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199. She wouldn't let me help out at all.
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200. Excuse me, I wanted you to help.
But you couldn't move your arms...
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201. because you were wearing
three life jackets.
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202. You have to respect the sea.
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203. Look, Joey, I'm sorry if you thought
that was mean.
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204. But I tell you something,
that was not mean.
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205. My father is mean. He used to yell at me
all the time on the boat.
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206. It was horrible.
I was being a really good teacher.
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207. Does a good teacher say,
"Put down the beer, pinhead!"
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208. Does a good student drink 7 beers
during his first lesson?
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209. Six and a half.
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210. You knocked that last one
out of my hand.
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211. I didn't want you to get hit
by the boom.
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212. Well, it hit me anyway.
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213. It would have hurt a lot less
if I had finished that last beer.
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214. I'm sorry. I will try to tone it down
and, uh, stop yelling.
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215. - You won't boss me around?
- I won't boss you around.
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216. - And you'll be nice?
- I'll be nice.
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217. - And you'll be topless?
- And I... Joey!
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218. You want me to learn?
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219. Okay, here's batch 22.
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220. Maybe these'll taste
like your grandmother's.
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221. This has a bit of orange peel,
but no nutmeg.
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222. - Mm. Let's give it a shot.
Ugh.
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223. I have not made so many cookies
since 9th grade.
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224. - What was that for, a bake sale?
- No, just a Friday night.
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225. Mm. These are pretty good.
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226. - Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
- Mm-mm.
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227. Which one was that?
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228. The ones we had
after you almost threw up.
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229. Oh, yeah, batch 17 was good.
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230. I did not like batch 16.
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231. I'm okay.
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232. Are there any more from the good batch?
We could work off those.
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233. Well, yeah, I think there's one
from batch 17 left. Uh...
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234. Batch 16.
Sixteen, people, get out of the way!
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235. Okay, Joey.
Honey, you're doing really good.
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236. I just need you
to step to the portside.
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237. Remember how we
talked about the portside?
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238. - Oh, yeah.
- Right?
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239. No.
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240. It's left, sweetie, but that's okay.
That's a tough one.
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241. Why not just say left?
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242. Okay, go to the left.
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243. Ahem, the left.
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244. - Huh?
- Just sit over there!
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245. Okay! Okay!
You're yelling again. See that?
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246. Oh, no, no. Very quiet.
Said with love, no yelling.
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247. You know what?
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248. Since I'm here, I'm gonna have
a beer on the portside.
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249. See what I did there? Ha, ha.
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250. We're luffing a little.
Will you tighten up the Cunningham?
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251. Whoa, you just said a bunch
of stuff I don't know.
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252. Joey, come on!
We just went over this.
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253. Oh, when we did that was when that bird
was overhead with the fish in his mouth.
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254. - Did you see it? It was gross.
- No! I did not see the bird.
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255. I did not see the fish! I did not see the
piece of Styrofoam shaped like Mike Tyson!
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256. I did not, because I was trying
to teach you how to sail a boat.
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257. Which obviously is
an impossible thing to do.
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258. That's it! You're yelling,
and I don't see you taking your top off.
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259. I quit!
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260. - What do you mean? You can't quit.
- Why not?
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261. Because you're not finished!
I won't have it. Greens do not quit.
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262. Greens?
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263. I'm a Tribbiani. Tribbianis quit.
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264. Oh, my God. Wait.
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265. Did I...? I just said,
"Greens don't quit," didn't I?
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266. - Did I say, "Greens don't quit"?
- Yes! And you're still yelling at me.
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267. No, I'm not yelling at you.
I'm just yelling near you.
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268. Oh, God, Joey. Oh, I'm my father.
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269. Oh, my God. This is horrible.
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270. I've been trying so hard not to be
my mother, I did not see this coming.
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271. Ugh, Joey.
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272. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
I just wanted you to learn.
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273. - Ugh.
- Hey, I...
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274. I did learn.
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275. - Really?
- Yeah, come on.
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276. - No.
- Yeah. It's okay.
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277. I know what a mainsail is. Huh?
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278. I know to duck when
the boom comes across.
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279. - I know port is right.
- Left.
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280. Damn it!
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281. You know, I bet it would
make my grandma happy...
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282. to know that we're trying
to figure out her recipe.
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283. I bet she's looking up at us
and smiling right now.
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284. Looking up?
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285. Oh, yeah, no, she was really nice to me
but she's in hell for sure.
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286. Well, I've tried everything. I give up.
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287. I'm not gonna be the mom
who makes the world's best cookies.
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288. I do make the best
duck confit with broccoli raab.
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289. Kids love that, right?
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290. Aw, Pheeb, isn't there any relative
that would have the recipe?
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291. What about your sister?
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292. Oh, no. I made a promise
to myself that the next time...
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293. I would talk to Ursula
is over my dead body.
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294. And that's not happening
until October 15, 2032.
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295. That's the day you're gonna die? See.
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296. Darn it, I've got shuffleboard that day.
Heh.
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297. That's what you think.
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298. What about friends of your grandmother?
Would they have the recipe?
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299. You know, I may have relatives in France
who would know.
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300. My grandmother said
she got the recipe...
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301. from her grandmother,
"Nestley Toulouse."
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302. What was her name?
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303. Nestley Toulouse.
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304. Nestlé Toll House?
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305. Ugh.
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306. You Americans always butcher
the French language.
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307. Phoebe, is this the recipe?
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308. Yes!
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309. Oh.
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310. I cannot believe that I spent the last two
days trying to figure out that recipe.
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311. It was in my cupboard the whole time!
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312. I know! You see, it is stuff like this...
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313. which is why you're burning in hell!
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314. So you understand.
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315. I'd feel more comfortable
if you didn't tell people.
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316. You know,
I'm a little embarrassed about it.
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317. I understand completely.
There's nothing more horrifying...
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318. than embarrassing yourself
in front of your in-laws.
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319. As a matter of fact, when I started
dating Judy, I was unemployed.
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320. Her father asked me
what I did for a living.
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321. - I told him I was a lawyer.
- Heh.
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322. - What'd you do when they found out?
- They never did.
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323. So if you ever see me giving them
legal advice, just nod along.
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324. Shall we?
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325. So, I guess we wear swimsuits in here.
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326. Well, Joey, I hate to admit it...
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327. your way of sailing
is a lot more fun.
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328. Yep, yep.
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329. Hey, why don't you give a pull
on that rope?
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330. We're not sailing.
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331. - Just pull on it.
- All right.
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332. - Hey!
- Eh?
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333. Sandwiches!
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334. - What else?
- Ha, ha.
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335. Here you go.
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336. - Thank you.
- Oh, wow.
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337. - What are you doing?
- Oops. Sorry.
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338. Don't hold it like that.
You're letting all the good stuff fall out.
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339. - Oh. Oops.
- Careful!
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340. You're wasting good pastrami!
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341. Oh, my God. I'm my dad!
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