1. We learned one thing, C.H.E.E.S.E:
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2. Cheerleaders and high explosives
don't mix.
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3. You can say that again, Mac.
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4. I couldn't have done it alone.
You're a genius.
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5. Oh, yeah? Well, how come I can't get
my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?
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6. What did you guys think?
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7. Hey, the phone.
I got it. I got it.
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8. Hello.
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9. - Hold on. Joey, it's your mom.
- It's Mommy.
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10. Aw...
That's nice.
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11. Ma, so what did you think?
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12. Well...
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13. that was, um, okay.
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14. It wasn't the best.
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15. That was one
of the worst things ever...
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16. and not just on TV.
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17. - What should we say?
- The lighting was okay.
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18. You got lighting last time.
Lighting is mine.
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19. I have costumes.
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20. That means I'm stuck with:
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21. "So we were watching you in there,
and you were sitting right here. Whoa."
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22. - What about you?
- I don't know.
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23. I can't lie to him again.
Oh, no, I... No.
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24. I'm just gonna press
my breasts up against him.
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25. - And say nothing?
- Uh-huh, yeah, that's right.
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26. Wow, my folks really liked it.
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27. What did you guys think?
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28. It wasn't that good.
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29. Do you think that your favorite animal
says much about you?
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30. You mean behind my back?
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31. Oh, you'll never believe
what happened to me today.
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32. - I am sitting in my office...
You guys!
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33. Guess what my agent just said?
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34. I'm in the middle of a story here.
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35. Sorry, you finish.
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36. I'm sitting in my office,
and guess who walks in.
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37. I'm gonna be on two TV shows.
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38. That's great.
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39. - Joey.
- You weren't finished?
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40. Yeah, "Guess who walks
into my office" is my story.
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41. Ralph Lauren walked into my office.
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42. Uh, if you're starting another story,
at least let me finish mine.
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43. It's the same story.
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44. Uh, wow, it's really long.
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45. Ralph just came in to tell me
that he's so happy with my work...
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46. that he wants me to be the new
merchandising manager for Polo retail.
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47. Aw...
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48. - Still get a discount on wedding gowns?
- Yeah.
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49. I'm so happy for you.
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50. These really are
the days of our lives.
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51. - What?
- Well, since you ask, ha, ha...
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52. They want me back on
Days of our Lives.
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53. - I get a big pay raise!
- Oh, hey!
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54. I'll be playing Drake Ramoray's
twin brother, Stryker.
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55. Ooh...
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56. I get to hire my own assistant.
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57. Well... I got a head rush
from standing up too fast.
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58. You were at this job four years?
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59. - That's right.
- This is all very impressive, Hilda.
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60. Um, I just have
one last question for you, uh...
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61. How did I do? Was this okay?
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62. - What?
- I've never interviewed anyone.
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63. I've never had anyone work for me.
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64. When I was a kid we had a maid,
but this isn't the same.
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65. No, dear, it's not.
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66. And I know that.
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67. Well, thank you so much for coming in.
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68. - Nice to meet you.
- Good meeting you.
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69. All right.
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70. I'm a total pro.
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71. - Hello.
- Wow. Huh, um...
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72. Hi, yes, I'm sorry.
The models are down the hall.
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73. I'm here about the assistant job.
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74. Really?
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75. Okay, well, then, all right.
Well, just have a seat there.
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76. Um, so what's...? What your name?
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77. Tag Jones.
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78. Uh-huh, go on.
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79. That's it. That's my whole name.
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80. That's your whole name.
Of course.
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81. Okay, let's just have a look-see here.
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82. I haven't worked in an office before.
I don't have much experience...
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83. What are you talking about?
You got three years painting houses...
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84. two whole summers
at T.G.I. Friday's.
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85. It's lame, I know.
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86. But I'm a goal-oriented person,
eager to learn...
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87. Just hold on a second, please.
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88. It's for Human Resources. Everybody
has to. Would you stand up?
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89. Ha, ha, no, no, no.
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90. - Hey.
- Shh, shh, shh.
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91. - Anyway, I should go.
- Okay. Bye.
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92. - Hey, sweetie.
- Hi, sweetie.
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93. What was with all the whispering?
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94. I can't tell you. It's a secret.
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95. Secret? Married people aren't
supposed to have secrets.
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96. We love and respect
one another too much.
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97. Aw...
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98. But still, no, ha, ha.
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99. We should tell each other everything.
I don't have secrets from you.
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100. Really? So tell me what happened
to Ross, junior year at Disneyland.
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101. No, I can't do that.
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102. I'll tell you what Phoebe said.
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103. - Okay.
- Okay.
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104. So, ahem, Ross and I
are going to Disneyland.
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105. We stop at this restaurant for tacos.
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106. When I say restaurant, I mean a guy,
a hibachi, and the trunk of his car.
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107. So Ross has about ten tacos.
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108. Anyway, we're on Space Mountain
and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
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109. Oh, my God. He threw up?
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110. No, he visited a town
a little south of throw up.
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111. Oh, my God!
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112. What was Phoebe's secret?
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113. Um, Nancy Thompson, from Phoebe's
old massage place, is getting fired.
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114. Oh.
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115. That's it? I gave up
my Disneyland story for that?
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116. Hm, that's right. You lose, sucker!
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117. Please still marry me.
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118. You have an assistant, right?
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119. Did she call?
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120. You told her I was sick, right?
Always tell her I am sick.
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121. I don't know.
How do you decide who to hire?
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122. I have it down to two people.
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123. One has great references
and a lot of experience.
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124. - And then, there's this guy.
- What about him?
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125. I love him.
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126. He's so pretty, I want to cry.
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127. I don't know what to do.
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128. Come on, you know what to do.
You hire the first one.
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129. Don't hire assistants because they're
cute. Do it because they're qualified.
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130. Uh-huh.
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131. I hear you. You make a lot of sense.
Can I just say one more thing?
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132. Look how pretty.
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133. Let me see.
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134. Oh, my God.
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135. Oh. But, no.
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136. No. You can't... You can't hire him
because it's not professional.
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137. Um, this is for me, yes?
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138. Okay, you're right.
I'll hire Hilda tomorrow.
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139. Dumb, old, perfect-for-the-job Hilda.
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140. Let me see.
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141. Wo-ha-ow!
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142. Don't show this to Monica.
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143. And don't tell her
about the "Wo-ha-ow!"
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144. - Ha, ha, hey, Joey.
- Hey, Terry.
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145. - Nice to see you again.
- Been a while.
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146. Funny, these halls look smaller
than they used to.
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147. It's a different building.
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148. So...
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149. Stryker Ramoray, huh?
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150. - When do I start?
- How about right now?
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151. Okay.
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152. Here are the audition scenes.
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153. I thought you
were offering me the part.
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154. Why?
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155. I was Doctor Drake Ramoray,
Stryker's twin brother.
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156. Who looks more like me
than me, right?
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157. Everybody has to audition. Ha, ha.
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158. You know, Terry,
I don't really need to do this.
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159. I got my own cable TV series...
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160. with a robot.
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161. I'm sorry, Joey.
That's the way it is.
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162. Well...
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163. I guess you think
you're pretty special, huh?
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164. Sitting up here in your fancy,
small-halled building...
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165. making stars jump
through hoops for you, huh?
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166. Well, you know what?
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167. This is one star whose hoop...
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168. This is the star the hoop...
This hoop...
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169. I was Doctor Drake Ramoray!
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170. Hi, Tag. What are you doing here?
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171. I came to thank you for not laughing
in my face yesterday.
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172. I noticed there were no plants
so I brought you your first.
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173. There is a plant in your office.
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174. Kind of.
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175. Right.
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176. So I guess I shouldn't put
"good at noticing stuff" on my résumé.
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177. Oh...
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178. - Thank you.
- Anyway...
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179. I'm guessing you hired somebody.
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180. Well...
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181. Gotcha.
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182. Thanks again for meeting with me.
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183. But I hired you.
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184. - What?
- Yeah, you got the job.
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185. - You're my new assistant.
- I am?
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186. Yeah.
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187. - I can't believe it.
- Ha, ha, me either.
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188. First, I need you to go downstairs...
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189. find a woman named Hilda,
and tell her to go home.
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190. - Hey.
- Hey, good, you're home.
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191. Always nicer to hear than,
"Oh, crap, you again."
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192. Hey, sweetie, I made you a surprise.
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193. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, tacos.
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194. Ever since that story,
I've had such a craving.
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195. Did you not understand the story?
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196. - Hey.
- Hey, what's up?
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197. Ah, nothing. Just figuring out
what to do for dinner.
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198. Hey, ooh, what's that? Dinner stuff?
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199. - You making dinner?
- No.
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200. Shh!
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201. What's over there? Tacos?
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202. No. No.
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203. They're just, uh... They're...
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204. They're ground beef smileys.
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205. Uh, those are tacos.
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206. Excuse me, Mr. Mexico.
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207. Either way, I'll pass.
Still can't eat those.
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208. Ha, ha.
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209. What's so funny?
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210. I'm not laughing.
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211. You told her!
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212. Nancy Thompson's getting fired.
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213. Okay, okay. I had food poisoning.
It's not like I chose to do it!
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214. It's not like I said,
"What would make this ride more fun?"
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215. Right. You're right, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be laughing.
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216. I should be
laying down papers for you.
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217. - How could you?
- I had to. We're getting married.
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218. Married couples can't keep secrets.
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219. I... I guess Monica should know
about Atlantic City.
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220. Du... ude!
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221. - What happened?
- Chandler and I are in a bar...
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222. Did you not hear me say, "Du... ude"?
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223. - And this girl
is making eyes at Chandler.
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224. So he goes over to her and, uh, after
a minute or two, I see them kissing.
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225. You're thinking he's not the type
to go to bars and make out with girls.
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226. And you're right.
He's not the type...
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227. to go to bars
and make out with "girls."
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228. You kissed a guy?
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229. Oh, my God!
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230. In my defense, it was dark
and he was a very pretty guy.
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231. Oh, Mon, I laughed so hard...
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232. Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out
your underwear again?
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233. Whatever, dude. You kissed a guy.
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234. - Hi.
- Hey.
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235. How's Hilda working out?
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236. Oh, my new assistant
is working out. Yes.
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237. She happy she got the job?
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238. My new assistant is very happy
that I hired my new assistant.
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239. Hello.
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240. Oh, hey! Can you hang on a second?
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241. It's the producers at
Mac and C.H.E.E.S. E...
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242. if you'll excuse me for a minute.
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243. Hey, funny you should call. I was
just looking over next week's script.
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244. Canceled?
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245. Like, they're taking it off the air? Oh.
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246. All right, I'll see you Monday.
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247. We're not even shooting them anymore!
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248. All right. Bye.
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249. They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
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250. - Oh, sorry.
- Oh, sorry, Joey.
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251. Why would they do that?
It was a good show, right?
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252. You want to tell secrets?
Okay, in college...
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253. Ross used to wear leg warmers.
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254. All right, Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice
look-alike contest and won.
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255. Ross came in fourth and cried!
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256. Oh, my God!
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257. Oh, is that funny?
You find that funny?
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258. Maybe Chandler should know
your secrets too.
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259. Ha, ha.
Oh, I... I already told him everything.
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260. You shush!
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261. Once, she was sent to bed
without dinner...
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262. so she ate the macaroni off
a jewelry box she'd made.
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263. Ross stayed home every Saturday night
to watch Golden Girls.
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264. Monica couldn't tell time
until she was 13.
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265. It's hard for some people!
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266. Of course it is.
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267. Wow.
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268. - Chandler wore my underwear to work!
- Hey!
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269. Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't think
of any more for Ross.
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270. In college, Chandler got drunk...
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271. and slept with the lady
who cleaned our dorm.
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272. That was you.
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273. Whatever, dude. You kissed a guy.
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274. How could this happen to me?
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275. Yesterday, I had two TV shows.
Today, I got nothing.
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276. Wait a minute,
what happened to Days of our Lives?
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277. Uh, well, they might be a little mad
at me over there.
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278. What happened?
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279. Well, maybe I got a little upset, and
maybe I told them where they could go.
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280. Joey, why would you do that?
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281. Because! They wanted me to audition.
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282. You, an actor? That's madness!
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283. Rachel Green's office.
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284. Tag.
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285. Hi, who was that?
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286. Nobody. I was just practicing.
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287. Really?
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288. - Hi.
- Hi, Rachel Green's office.
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289. - You must be Hilda.
Ahem.
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290. He's Tag. This is Phoebe.
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291. - Phoebe, can I see you for a sec?
Mm-hm.
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292. - Phoebe.
Mm-hm.
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293. - Great name.
- You like that?
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294. - You should hear my phone number.
- Okay.
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295. So you hired yourself
a little treat, did you?
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296. I know how it looks,
but I am telling you...
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297. You can't get involved
with your assistant.
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298. I know that, and I know hiring him was
not the smartest thing I've ever done.
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299. But, from now on,
I swear this is strictly professional.
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300. - Yes.
- Hey, Rachel.
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301. Hi.
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302. Cute assistant. What's his story?
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303. - Is he...?
- Gay? Yeah.
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304. Hey, Terry.
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305. Joey Tribbiani.
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306. Surprised your big head
could fit through our small halls.
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307. I gotta go, Joey.
Wait, Terry! Look, uh...
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308. I'm really sorry about before.
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309. I was an idiot, thinking I'm too big
to audition for you.
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310. - Give me another chance.
- I can't.
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311. Wait, Terry, please!
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312. Look, I just lost my other job, okay?
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313. You have no idea
how much I need this.
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314. Please, help me out.
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315. For old times' sake.
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316. This guy's been in a coma
for five years. It's hopeless.
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317. It's not. Dr. Stryker Ramoray
is a miracle worker.
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318. Here he comes.
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319. Good morning.
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320. Drake, it's your brother, Stryker.
Can you hear me?
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321. And cut.
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322. I'm back, baby!
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323. You know, in my defense, um...
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324. there was no glitter on
the macaroni and very little glue.
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325. And in my defense,
the cleaning lady came on to me.
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326. - Do you have trouble telling time now?
- No.
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327. - Quick, what time is it?
- Time to kiss a guy?
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328. What are you laughing at, Pampers?
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329. You know when I said
married people...
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330. should share everything
and not have any secrets?
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331. - Yeah?
- That was stupid. Let's not do that.
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332. Oh.
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333. Absolutely.
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334. We should keep the stuff we told
each other secret from everyone else.
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335. Ha, ha.
- Yeah, definitely.
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336. Okay, ha, ha.
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337. If you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna hang out with people...
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338. who don't know
the Space Mountain story.
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339. - Then I'd steer clear of Phoebe.
- Man!
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340. Not that you would, but I wouldn't
hang out with the guys at my office.
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341. Hi.
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342. - Do you have a minute?
- Sure. What's up?
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343. I got asked out twice today
while I was at lunch...
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344. by guys.
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345. - Really?
Yeah.
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346. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
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347. Oh, did you not want people
to know that?
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348. I'm not gay. I especially wouldn't
want you to think I was gay.
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349. Why is that?
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350. - I don't think I should say.
- Oh, you can say.
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351. Come on, I don't want you to feel
like you can't tell me things.
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352. - Okay.
- Okay.
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353. - Well...
- Yeah.
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354. I'd love to ask out
your friend Phoebe.
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355. Yeah, she's gay.
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