1. The reason I asked you to brunch...
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2. is because I've been thinking
about my maid of honor.
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3. Oh, my God. This is it. Oh.
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4. I hope it's you.
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5. - I hope it's you.
- Me too.
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6. First of all, I love you both so much.
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7. - You're both so important to me.
- Blah, blah, blah. Who is it?
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8. I was thinking we could
come up with a system...
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9. where we trade off being maid of honor.
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10. - Hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine...
- Yes! Oh.
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11. Hypothetically.
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12. Still.
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13. If Phoebe were mine,
Rachel would be Phoebe's, I'd be Rachel's.
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14. We all get to do it and no one gets upset.
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15. - That's a pretty good idea.
- I'll do that. So who's yours?
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16. Well, that's the best part.
You guys get to decide.
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17. - Why is that the best part?
- I don't have to.
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18. Of course we'll help you decide.
We'll do anything we can to help you.
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19. I'd like to make a toast.
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20. To the future Mrs. Chandler Bing...
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21. my best friend and truly one
of the nicest people that...
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22. - Really not deciding.
- Fine.
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23. Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing.
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24. - You're marrying Chandler Bing?
- Yeah.
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25. Huh.
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26. Good luck!
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27. Oh, and good luck to you too!
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28. What a nice lady.
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29. Yeah!
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30. - Die Hard, still great.
- Yep.
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31. Let's make it a double feature?
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32. What else did you rent?
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33. Die Hard 2.
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34. Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again.
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35. Well, we'll watch it a second time
and it's Die Hard 2.
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36. - Joey, we just saw it.
- And?
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37. It would be cool to see it again!
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38. - Yeah! Die Hard!
- Die Hard!
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39. Dude, you didn't say Die Hard.
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40. Is everything okay?
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41. Yeah, I just got plans.
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42. Well, John McClane had plans.
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43. I want to leave before
Joey gets all worked up...
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44. and starts calling everybody "bitch."
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45. What are you talking about, bitch?
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46. - Hey, Rachel.
- Yeah?
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47. When I get married,
will you be my maid of honor?
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48. Really?
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49. Oh, my God, Phoebe. I mean, I'm just...
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50. Wait a minute.
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51. If I'm your maid of honor,
that means that you are Monica's.
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52. Oh.
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53. - Well, if that's what you want.
- Oh!
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54. No way, Phoebe. I want to be Monica's.
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55. - Why does it even matter?
- Why does it matter to you?
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56. Because this one is now.
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57. And it's two of our best friends.
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58. And who knows what you're gonna marry.
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59. What if I marry Ross? Or Joey?
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60. You wouldn't.
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61. Okay, look, Rachel.
I know you really want to do this...
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62. but I've never been
maid of honor to anyone before.
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63. I know you've done it at least twice.
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64. - Yeah, but, Phoebe...
- Please let me finish.
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65. I guess that was it.
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66. Okay.
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67. Okay. Since you've never done it before,
you can be Monica's maid of honor.
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68. Oh, thank you so much!
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69. Yay.
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70. I'm gonna marry someone good.
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71. Oh, I know.
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72. - Better than Chandler.
- Pfft.
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73. - What happened?
- I don't know.
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74. We fell asleep. That is all.
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75. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.
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76. All right, well, I'd better go.
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77. - I think that would be best.
- Yeah.
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78. - I'll talk to you later.
- Okay.
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79. - But not about this.
- No, never. Never!
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80. - So, uh...
- Uh...
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81. - Bye.
- No touch. No touch.
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82. Hey, a weird thing happened at brunch.
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83. This woman overheard
that I was marrying you...
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84. and she wished me good luck.
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85. That's sweet.
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86. No, it was more like a "good luck."
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87. So, what did this woman look like?
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88. She was like 30, dark hair, attractive.
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89. Any chance you were looking into
a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?
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90. Was it someone you dated in college?
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91. No, I only dated two girls in college...
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92. both blond, both not attractive.
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93. Let me check this out.
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94. - What are you doing?
- Well, let's see.
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95. Okay, uh, is that her?
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96. Oh, my God, yes!
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97. - Who is she?
- Julie Graff, my camp girlfriend.
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98. Did you break up with her?
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99. No, we're still together.
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100. We went out for two summers
and then I broke up with her.
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101. - Why?
- She came back the third summer...
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102. and she'd gotten really fa... Ahh.
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103. - Fat?
- I did not say fat.
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104. I said fa... Ahh.
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105. You broke up with a girl
because she was fat?
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106. Yeah. Yeah.
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107. But it was a really long time ago.
Does she still feel bad?
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108. Apparently she does.
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109. You know what they say,
"Elephants never forget."
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110. Seriously, good luck marrying me.
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111. Hey, what's going on?
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112. Phoebe is gonna be
Monica's maid of honor.
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113. Hey. Hope it goes better than the last time
you did it for that girl downstairs.
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114. You have been maid of honor before?
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115. You see? This is exactly why
you shouldn't lie.
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116. That's it. I am maid of honor.
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117. - No, I am.
- How come you are?
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118. Because I cared enough to lie.
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119. Hey, I could help you decide
who should do it.
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120. We could have an audition.
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121. See how you'd handle
maid-of-honor-type situations.
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122. - What are you talking about?
- When I want a job...
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123. I audition and if I'm the best
of the people they see...
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124. they give me the part.
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125. Okay, so after this audition,
who decides who gets it?
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126. Oh, me and Ross can be the judges.
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127. - It's better than us deciding.
- Oh, this is crazy.
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128. - Can't we just flip a coin?
- No, coins hate me.
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129. Okay, fine. You know what?
We will let Ross and Joey decide.
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130. Hi!
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131. Ross, sweetie.
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132. Hey there, handsome thing.
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133. Wow, this cologne really is
every bit as good as Giorgio.
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134. Hey.
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135. Just brought back your videos.
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136. Hey, Ross. Look, I think
we need to talk about before.
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137. No. No, we don't.
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138. Yes, we do.
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139. Now, look. That was the best nap I ever had.
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140. I don't know what you're talking about.
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141. Come on, admit it.
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142. That was the best nap you ever had.
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143. I've had better.
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144. Okay. When?
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145. All right! All right!
It was the best nap ever!
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146. - Ah!
- I said it, okay?
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147. But it's over, Joey!
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148. I want to do it again.
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149. We can't do it again.
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150. - Why not?
- Because it's weird!
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151. Fine.
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152. You want a drink?
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153. - Sure. What do you got?
- Warm milk and Excedrin PM.
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154. Chandler.
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155. I just figured out who you are.
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156. Can you figure out what I'm doing?
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157. - You're Louis Posen.
- Who?
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158. He was my best friend in fifth grade.
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159. One day, I asked him to be
my boyfriend and he said no.
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160. Do you know why?
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161. Because you kept talking to him while
he was trying to go to the bathroom?
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162. No, but because he thought
I was too fa... Ahh.
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163. Every time I think about it,
I feel as bad as I did then.
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164. I really think you should
apologize to Julie.
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165. Honey, are you kidding?
That was like 16 years ago.
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166. It would make me feel better
if Louis apologized to me.
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167. I'll do it. But I warn you,
this may make me a better person.
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168. And that is not the man
you fell in love with.
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169. This is how it's gonna work.
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170. We'll give you hypothetical
maid-of-honor situations.
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171. You'll be scored on a scale of one to 10.
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172. - One being the highest.
- Ten is the highest.
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173. - Why is 10 the highest?
- Because it's the highest.
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174. Okay, Rachel, you're up first.
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175. Situation number one:
You're with Monica.
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176. The wedding is about to start
when Monica gets cold feet. Go!
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177. I don't want to marry Chandler.
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178. - I've got cold feet.
- It's gonna be okay.
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179. One man the rest of my life?
I don't know.
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180. This means I'll never get to sleep with Joey.
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181. Look, Monica...
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182. getting cold feet is very common.
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183. It's just because of all the anticipation.
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184. And you just have to remember
that you love Chandler.
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185. And also, I ran out on a wedding.
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186. You don't get to keep the gifts.
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187. Very good,
drawing on your own experience.
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188. Very good.
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189. Yes, very nice, Rachel.
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190. Thank you, judges.
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191. - Kiss-ass.
- Oh.
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192. - Okay, Phoebe.
- Yes, Your Honor.
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193. We're now in the ceremony.
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194. Monica is about to say, "I do"...
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195. when her drunk uncle starts yelling.
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196. What do you do? Go!
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197. When Monica was a little girl...
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198. I remember that...
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199. Ow!
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200. - Very good!
- Oh.
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201. Yes, excellent. Perfect score.
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202. She just made a scene
in the middle of the ceremony!
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203. Hey, you want a little taste of Pheebs?
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204. It is time for you to give
your maid-of-honor speech.
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205. We haven't even prepared...
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206. - Go!
- Okay, okay, okay. Um...
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207. Webster's Dictionary
defines marriage as...
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208. Okay, no! Forget that! That sucks!
Okay, never mind. Forget it. Um, um...
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209. I met... I met Monica when we were
just a couple of 6-year-olds...
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210. and became friends with Chandler
when he was 25...
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211. although he seemed like a 6-year-old.
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212. Oh.
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213. Thank you. Thank you very much. Um...
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214. I've known them separately and together.
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215. To know them as a couple is to know
that you are truly in the presence of love.
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216. So I would like to raise my glass...
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217. to Monica and Chandler...
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218. and the beautiful adventure they
are about to embark upon together.
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219. I can think of no two people
better prepared for the journey.
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220. Wow.
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221. - Great speech.
- Yeah, it really was.
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222. Oh, thanks.
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223. Okay, Phoebe, I guess you're next.
Although I really don't see the point.
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224. Okay.
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225. I can't believe that Monica
and Chandler are getting married.
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226. I remember talking
about this day with Rachel...
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227. while we were showering together, naked.
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228. And she's back in the game!
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229. Julie. Hi.
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230. Chandler Bing. I guess you remember me.
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231. Hello, Skidmark.
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232. It's a nickname. I'll explain later.
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233. It's pretty clear.
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234. I owe you a long-overdue apology.
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235. I shouldn't have broken up with you
because you were overweight.
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236. That's why you broke up with me?
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237. You didn't know that?
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238. Well, I guess my work here is done.
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239. First of all, I would like to say
you both performed very well, okay?
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240. You should be proud.
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241. And I'd also like to say,
in this competition, there are no losers.
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242. Well, except Rachel. Damn it!
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243. Really? I won?
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244. - What?
- I'm sorry, Rach, it was really close.
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245. - Well, then I demand a recount!
- Actually, it wasn't that close.
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246. You know what?
Your thing was so stupid anyway.
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247. We're gonna flip a coin, all right?
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248. Heads. Oh!
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249. What? The coins have finally forgiven me!
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250. You know what? I hope Monica
forgives you after you throw her...
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251. her vegetarian-voodoo-goddess-circle-y
shower.
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252. Rach, it's gonna be okay.
You guys are the best!
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253. Boy, I tell you. That judging stuff
took a lot out of me.
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254. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
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255. Thinking about maybe going upstairs
and taking a little nap on my couch.
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256. Why would I care about that?
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257. No reason. I'm just saying that...
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258. that's where I'll be.
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259. As bad as that went,
I actually enjoyed myself.
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260. I think that I'm going to apologize
for all the stupid things that I do.
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261. Why don't you just stop
doing stupid things?
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262. - Then you wouldn't have to apologize.
- I'd love it if I could do both.
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263. All right, I have to ask.
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264. What?
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265. Will you break up with me if I get fat again?
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266. What?
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267. You broke up with Julie.
How much weight did she gain?
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268. A hundred and forty-five pounds.
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269. In one year?
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270. My God, what did she eat? Her family?
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271. That's not the point.
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272. I know it was a stupid reason
to break up with someone, but I was 15.
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273. Yeah, well, that's not
the only time this was an issue.
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274. You remember when you spent
Thanksgiving with us?
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275. You called me fat.
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276. Wait a minute.
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277. - That was totally different.
- How?
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278. You were not supposed to hear that.
I said that behind your back.
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279. What if I have babies, okay?
I'm gonna look different.
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280. I'm okay with that,
but I'm not sure you are.
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281. You have to realize I don't think
of you as a thin, beautiful woman.
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282. This is one of the things
that I can apologize for later.
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283. What I mean is, you're Monica.
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284. Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
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285. Keep going.
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286. So you can balloon up
or you can shrink down...
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287. and I will still love you.
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288. Even if I shrink down to 2 inches tall?
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289. I'd carry you around in my pocket.
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290. I love you.
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291. Skidmark still got a way with the ladies.
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292. Hi, Pheebs.
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293. - Hi.
- Hi.
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294. I just want to apologize.
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295. I'm really sorry I was a baby.
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296. That's ridiculous.
Rachel, we were all babies once.
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297. - Oh, you mean today.
- Yeah.
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298. Yeah, and you know, you deserve to win.
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299. And I was thinking about it.
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300. If you're Monica's maid of honor,
I get to be yours.
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301. - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
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302. When Monica and Chandler got engaged,
I put some stuff together.
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303. - Just in case.
- Oh, that's so sweet. Thanks.
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304. Here is a book of poetry
that I know Monica loves.
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305. Oh, God, this is funny. Look.
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306. Here's a picture from one Halloween
when she dressed up as a bride.
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307. She made me carry her train...
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308. which was weird
because I was Wonder Woman.
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309. Oh, and here's a little purse that I found.
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310. I just thought they could hold
the rings in there.
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311. - Oh.
- Something. And...
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312. vintage handkerchiefs, you know,
because people cry at weddings.
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313. I'm just gonna grab a couple of these.
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314. This stuff is great.
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315. I forgot this was in here.
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316. This was the garter
that I was saving for my wedding.
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317. And I wanted it
to be Monica's "something borrowed."
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318. And it's blue.
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319. Yeah.
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320. Rach, I think that you should be
Monica's maid of honor.
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321. You do?
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322. - Why?
- Because I think it means more to you.
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323. But, Pheebs, honey, you earned it.
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324. It's fine. I mean, this is something...
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325. that you've been thinking about
since you were, what, 14?
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326. No, I was 10. I just developed early.
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327. Man alive!
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328. - Hey, what's going on?
- Hey!
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329. We decided Rachel is
going to be your maid of honor.
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330. Oh, that's great!
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331. Oh, wow. Okay, we really
have to start planning.
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332. I have really specific ideas.
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333. We should meet four times a week.
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334. Come to my place,
we'll get together before work.
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335. What do you say, 6:30, my place?
So excited!
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336. Yeah, okay. You laugh now.
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337. She's gonna be yours.
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338. Great nap.
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339. It really was.
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340. Dude, what the hell are you doing?
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341. God!
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342. Excuse me.
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