Friends 7x9

Directed by David Schwimmer

Amy Hill as Woman • Eddie Cahill as Tag • Cole Sprouse as Ben Geller • Steve Ireland as Mr. Zelner • Jonathan T. Floyd as Gary

When Phoebe tells the gang about how she was too poor to have a bike as a child, Ross goes out and buys her one. While Phoebe absolutely loves the bike, the gang soon discovers that she doesn't actually know how to ride one. Meanwhile, Monica decides to make candy in order to get to know her neighbours, and while they all love the candy, nobody is particularly interested in Monica herself. Rachel and Tag try to hide their relationship at work, but things go awry when Rachel writes a playful work evaluation of Tag that he accidentally turns in to Human Resources.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I'm ready.

2. - You sure? - Uh-huh.

3. Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there.

4. - Thanks, Daddy. - No, no. One daddy, two mommies.

5. - All right, it's all yours. - Okay, okay.

6. There you go, there you go.

7. Wow, Ben's first big kid's bike. This is so exciting.

8. Oh, yeah, I remember mine.

9. It was my sixth birthday. My dad took me to the park...

10. and I got on it and... it bent. - Yeah.

11. - I never had a bike of my own. - What?

12. Well, we didn't have a lot of money.

13. But the girl across the street had the best bike.

14. It was pink and it had rainbow-colored tassels hanging off the handle grips...

15. and a bell, and this big, white wicker basket...

16. with those plastic daisies stuck on.

17. That sounds like my first bike.

18. My dad gave me his old one.

19. - Did the girl ever let you ride it? - No.

20. But she gave me the box that it came in.

21. It had a picture of the bike on the front.

22. So I would sit on it and my stepdad would drag me around the backyard.

23. That is so unfair.

24. Not really, I got to drag him around too.

25. Hey, what are you guys doing?

26. Making holiday candy for the neighbors.

27. I'm sorry, who?

28. I'm gonna hang this basket on the door.

29. When the neighbors walk by, they can all take a piece.

30. - But we don't know the neighbors. - I do.

31. There's, uh, let's see, the guy with the mustache...

32. smokes-a-lot lady, some kids I've seen...

33. and the red-haired guy who does not like to be called Rusty.

34. See, this is exactly why I'm making this candy.

35. We can learn their names and get to know our neighbors.

36. Wouldn't it be easier if we just moved?

37. Good morning.

38. - Ah, somebody's in a good mood. - Well, why shouldn't I be?

39. I have great friends. I have a wonderful job...

40. Where you can make out with your assistant.

41. Come on, it's not a big deal.

42. We stayed up all night coming up with a plan...

43. so that us dating will not be a problem.

44. Oh, yeah? What's the plan?

45. We... We are not...

46. going to let it...

47. be a problem.

48. Wow. It took you all night to come up with that plan?

49. Oh, well, you know, we did other stuff too.

50. Did you two?

51. Oh, Monica, you know I don't sleep with guys on the first date.

52. - Matt Wire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wise... - Anymore.

53. Hi, Tag, um, I have a conference call today, is that correct?

54. - Yes, at 4. - Okay, thank you, that'll be all.

55. Wait, wait.

56. Did you see that?

57. That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us.

58. - I'd better get back to my desk. - Okay, hard worker.

59. I'll remember to put that in your evaluation.

60. - My what? - You've been here for two months now...

61. and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation.

62. But you know, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate.

63. - Are you serious? - No, I've just always wanted to do that.

64. Can you help me clean this up?

65. The basket is totally empty. My God, the neighbors ate all the candy.

66. Well, either that or, uh...

67. Joey.

68. Yeah?

69. - Did you eat all the neighbor candy? - Uh, well, yeah, that was the plan.

70. But by the time I got to it there was only a couple pieces left.

71. Yeah. They've been coming by all day. They love it.

72. They love my candy?

73. - Oh, man, I gotta go make more. Hey, Mon.

74. Make some more lasagna too. Something might have happened to a huge chunk of it.

75. Ross, the neighbors ate all my candy.

76. Mine stole my newspaper.

77. It's like a crime wave.

78. Pheebs, you, uh, got a second?

79. - Sure. - Yeah.

80. Ever since you, uh, told me that story about that bike...

81. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

82. I mean, everyone should have a first bike, you know? So...

83. Oh, my God, Ross.

84. - You like it? - I love it.

85. - Yeah? - Oh. Oh, God...

86. - And I love you. - Ah.

87. Not that way.

88. - But the bike got you a lot closer. - Oh.

89. Well, uh, take it downstairs.

90. You know, give it a test drive.

91. Okay. Oh, my God.

92. My first bike.

93. Thank you for the best present I've ever gotten.

94. You're welcome.

95. Oh, and Chandler's about to cry.

96. Am not.

97. Who is that?

98. Don't worry, I'm brave. I am brave. I... I am brave.

99. No, no, no, no, no.

100. Can you tell me who is there, please?

101. My name's Gary. I live upstairs.

102. - Hi. - Hi.

103. - Do you know what time it is? - It's candy time.

104. My roommate says that they taste like little drops of heaven.

105. Oh, please. Heh.

106. Did you hear that? "Little drops of heaven."

107. Four a.m.

108. So can I get some candy?

109. I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work.

110. He does not know that I am not "some of us."

111. Um, listen, I'm sorry, but I'll put some out first thing in the morning.

112. Well, okay, I'll swing by later.

113. - You live in this building? - Mm-hm.

114. Mm. Seems like I would have remembered you.

115. Mm. Night, Gar.

116. So did you read your evaluation yet?

117. No, it was marked "confidential."

118. I just sent it down to human resources.

119. Okay, please, you're kidding, right? I wrote that one as a joke for you.

120. A joke they would appreciate?

121. I'm thinking no.

122. - What did you say? - Um, I said that you were a good kisser...

123. and, uh, that I liked your teeny, tiny tushy.

124. No, not my tushy.

125. Well, it gets worse.

126. When asked if you take initiative, I wrote:

127. "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision."

128. And under problems with performance, I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not."

129. And then, uh... And then I drew a little smiley face.

130. And then a small pornographic sketch.

131. Ross, that is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike.

132. When I heard the story, I almost cried.

133. Almost cried, huh?

134. Hear that, Chandler? "Almost" cried.

135. Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic.

136. Those two had only each other.

137. Phoebe really likes the bike, huh?

138. Oh, yeah. I saw her walking it down the street the other day.

139. She had these flowers in the basket. It was so cute.

140. Yeah, I saw her this morning walking it by the park.

141. Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times?

142. - Hey, Pheebs. - Oh, hi.

143. - Hey, so you enjoying the bike? - Oh, uh-huh, so much. Heh.

144. Pheebs, you, uh... You do know how to ride a bike, don't you? Heh.

145. Of course.

146. Can we see you ride it?

147. Okay.

148. See?

149. This is why I told you never get involved with your assistant.

150. And there's no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to having affairs.

151. Did you hear that, Chandler?

152. No such thing.

153. What happened? I'm just eating candy.

154. Maybe it's not as bad as I think. Maybe they didn't take it the way I meant it.

155. Absolutely, you know? Because "tushy" can mean both ass...

156. and good worker.

157. Ugh, I just gotta get the thing back.

158. Rach? That sketch you mentioned?

159. Might it have looked a little something like this?

160. Oh, my God, Joey.

161. - What is the matter with you? - God.

162. I tell you, this little talent came in handy before I could afford porn.

163. Hi, I'm sorry. I know it's after hours, but I really need candy.

164. I'm sorry, I can't help you. See? Rules are rules.

165. Please, I have people coming from out of town today.

166. - I told them all about your candy. - You're kidding.

167. Out-of-towners, huh? Heh. What did you tell them?

168. I told them your candy was absolutely indescribable.

169. Well, some people have been saying it's "little drops of heaven," but whatever.

170. - Please, can't you help me out? - Hey, Chandler, do we know that lady?

171. Maybe. Isn't she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?

172. All right, I'll do it just this once.

173. - But you can't tell anybody. - Yes, yes, please, just give it to me.

174. Yeah, that's her.

175. - Thank you. - Unbelievable.

176. I can't believe that sign didn't work.

177. You know what would work? Stop making candy.

178. But they like it.

179. You mean they like you.

180. Maybe.

181. Is that why you became a chef, so that people would like you?

182. Heh. You want to talk about getting people to like you, huh, funny man?

183. Okay, now, just remember everything I taught you and you'll be fine.

184. Okay? Here we go.

185. Ready, set...

186. Wait, this seat is really uncomfortable.

187. Maybe before we start we should just get another one.

188. Perhaps like an airplane seat, or a beanbag chair.

189. Phoebe, you can't get out of this, okay? You have to learn how to ride a bike.

190. Why? Why do I have to learn?

191. - Well, in case of an emergency. - What kind of emergency?

192. Well, what if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says:

193. "You ride this bike or I'll...

194. I'll shoot you."

195. Okay. I would ring the bell to distract him...

196. and then I would knock the gun out of his hand with a Chinese throwing star.

197. Okay, Phoebe, just get on the bike...

198. and, hey, I'll hold you up and push you. Okay?

199. You won't let go?

200. - No. - You swear?

201. I swear.

202. - Okay. - Come on.

203. - Here we go. All right? All right? - All right.

204. Feel good? All right, try pedaling.

205. That's it, you're doing great. Yes, take control.

206. - Yes, yes, yes. - Whee! Hey!

207. Oh, oh!

208. Oh, no.

209. You swore.

210. - I just thought you were doing so well. - I am shocked. Shocked.

211. It's a legitimate learning technique.

212. Wow.

213. Hey.

214. There's, uh, some people outside asking about candy.

215. They're just gonna have to wait, aren't they? I only got two hands.

216. - Need some help? - No, you don't know the system.

217. I don't need nobody messing with the system.

218. By the way, the week before your wedding, you may not see a lot of me.

219. Oh, hello, liar.

220. Look, I'm really sorry I let go of the bike.

221. I could've been killed, I hope you know.

222. I know, I know.

223. But can we please try it again?

224. I mean, you were so close, Phoebe.

225. Well, I would love to...

226. but the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects.

227. - Phoebe. - What?

228. What the hell?

229. All right, you know what?

230. If you are not going to learn how to ride this bike, then I'm sorry...

231. I'm just gonna have to take it back. - What? Why?

232. Because. Because it's...

233. It'd be like you having this guitar...

234. and never playing it.

235. Okay, this guitar wants to be played.

236. And this bike wants to be ridden.

237. And if you don't ride it...

238. you're killing its spirit.

239. The bike...

240. is dying.

241. All right. If you care enough to make up that load of crap, okay.

242. Great.

243. You're making the bike very happy.

244. Okay, Ross.

245. Please don't die.

246. Okay, I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it.

247. We have to get into Mr. Zelner's office. He doesn't get in until 10, so no problem.

248. But his assistant, Betty, comes in early to eat her breakfast at her desk.

249. - That's kind of sad. - Yeah, well, Betty's kind of sad.

250. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates.

251. Now, while I distract her, you go in the office.

252. - Got it. - Let's roll.

253. Hello, Rachel. You, uh, got a minute?

254. Yeah, sure, Mr. Zelner. For you? Anything. Minute.

255. Okay, great.

256. Abort the plan. Abort the plan.

257. Uh, actually, I'd like to speak to both of you.

258. Okay.

259. Uh, well, can we get you anything, Mr. Zelner? Maybe some chocolates?

260. Um, no, thanks, but I'll give these to Betty.

261. So I read your evaluation of Tag.

262. Or, uh, to use his full name, Tag "Sweet Cheeks" Jones?

263. Is something going on with you two?

264. Oh, my God, can you imagine if there was?

265. I mean, what would happen exactly?

266. Well, I'd be forced to file a report.

267. I'd have to consult with the legal department.

268. And your future at the company would be in jeopardy.

269. - Well... - Uh, Mr. Zelner...

270. I'm the one who filled in that evaluation.

271. - Oh, no... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

272. I thought it would be funny.

273. You wrote that you have a cute tushy?

274. Yes.

275. I have a weird sense of humor.

276. And I'm kind of strangely proud of my butt.

277. It's kind of a risky joke, Tag.

278. And what is this drawing? I can't figure out what this is.

279. You're looking at it upside down... You know what? It doesn't matter.

280. Hey, it's not like I don't have a sense of humor, huh?

281. Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick every now and then.

282. But there's a time and a place, huh?

283. Unless you, uh, have a limerick right now.

284. No? Okay. Well, uh, you've got my fax number.

285. I can't believe you did that. That was really sweet.

286. - Ah, don't worry about it. - No, you could've lost your job.

287. Are you kidding me? With a cute butt like this, I'd find work.

288. Thank you, you're great.

289. - You know what? - What?

290. I feel great.

291. In fact...

292. What?

293. It's just... It took me so long to get that desk organized.

294. I'm sorry.

295. There it is.

296. What is going on?

297. We're waiting for the candy. Bring out the candy.

298. Yeah, lady, give us candy.

299. Joey.

300. - What's up, buddy? - What are you doing?

301. Waiting to get candy.

302. Get in here.

303. Hey, and you cannot smoke in here.

304. Merry Christmas.

305. Okay, guys, the candy is coming. I just need 15 minutes for the chocolate to cool.

306. All right, everybody, just be quiet. Be quiet. Be quiet. Pipe down.

307. What is the matter with you people?

308. This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you.

309. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you...

310. and I'll bet that not one of you can tell me her name.

311. Am I right?

312. Candy Lady?

313. No, not "Candy Lady."

314. If we know it, can we have candy?

315. All right, you know what?

316. Forget it. All of you, forget it. You've ruined it.

317. Go home. You've ruined it. You've ruined it.

318. That's all wrong. You guys ruined everything. You ruined it.

319. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

320. Did you smoke?

321. No, smokes-a-lot lady blew smoke directly into my mouth.

322. Uh, are you okay?

323. I'm fine now, but it was really scary there for a while.

324. Someone slipped a threatening note under the door.

325. Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever. I don't know.

326. I can't believe it. I did it. I rode a bike.

327. I never thought I'd be able to do that. Thank you, Ross.

328. Oh, hey, don't thank me. Thank yourself.

329. You're the one who faced your fears and ultimately overcame them.

330. Don't be so corny, Ross. It's not an After School Special.