1. The power of Christ
compels you!Copy !req
2. your mother!Copy !req
3. The power of Christ
compels you!Copy !req
4. The power of Christ compels you!Copy !req
5. Your mother's in Hell!Copy !req
6. The power of Christ
compels you!Copy !req
7. I'll suck your.Copy !req
8. Let me suck your,
mother.Copy !req
9. Could you please
clear the room?Copy !req
10. Yo!Copy !req
11. Thank you so much.Copy !req
12. That was scary...Copy !req
13. before it got offensive.Copy !req
14. Good evening, everybody,
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
15. - I am Jordan Peele.
- And we're Key and Peele.Copy !req
16. Thanks for coming out.Copy !req
17. Thank you so much.Copy !req
18. Happy Halloween, everybody.Copy !req
19. - Welcome.
- Happy Halloween.Copy !req
20. - This is our...
- All Hallow's Eve, yes.Copy !req
21. - Our Halloween celebration.
- Mm-hmm, yes.Copy !req
22. Um, we are...
we're fans of horror movies.Copy !req
23. And there's
several different kinds.Copy !req
24. - There's several different kinds.
- There's... right.Copy !req
25. There's the kind where
there's little Asian childrenCopy !req
26. that sound like Penelope Cruz.Copy !req
27. Yup, yeah.Copy !req
28. Well, you know what?
My favorite...Copy !req
29. My favorite horror movies
are the possession ones.Copy !req
30. - Oh, yes, yes.
- And since I've been in California,Copy !req
31. I will go see a horror movie
at 12:00 at night.Copy !req
32. I went and saw
Paranormal Activity,Copy !req
33. There was a family of
75 Mexican people in front of me.Copy !req
34. And 90% of them were
under the age of four.Copy !req
35. And... and you know what the most
messed up thing about it is,Copy !req
36. like clockwork,
about halfway through the movie,Copy !req
37. - at some point...
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
38. Somebody goes, "Oh, no,
it's not a ghost, it's a demon."Copy !req
39. The entire mexican family,Copy !req
40. "Oh, no, this.
We don't with that."Copy !req
41. - Right in front of my action.
- Everybody, there's the kid...Copy !req
42. Oh, come on, this is...Copy !req
43. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
44. They're all leaving,
the whole family.Copy !req
45. - This is a... you know...
- En masse, out the door.Copy !req
46. It's a horror movie,
it's always Diablo!Copy !req
47. Yeah, what did you think
was gonna happen?Copy !req
48. Oh, here we go, we got more.Copy !req
49. Hey!Copy !req
50. What's up, Ted and Annette?
Come on in.Copy !req
51. Yes. Fangs for coming.Copy !req
52. Have a bloody good time.Copy !req
53. Awesome.
Oh! Oh.Copy !req
54. There he is.
What's up, Noah?Copy !req
55. - Ow!
- Nice.Copy !req
56. - Ha!
- All right, well...Copy !req
57. - Annie, are you okay?
- Oh! He's leaning. He's leaning.Copy !req
58. - Are you okay, Annie?
- All right.Copy !req
59. - Are you okay?
- Annie, are you okay, Annie?Copy !req
60. You've been touched by
a smooth criminal.Copy !req
61. - Oh, more kicks.
- Ha! Closer! Closer!Copy !req
62. - More kicks. You're...
- Close to your face!Copy !req
63. You... Ah!
You almost hit me there.Copy !req
64. No more "sham on's.Copy !req
65. You want to come inside?Copy !req
66. That's annoying.
That is very annoy...Copy !req
67. Stop. Stop! Just...
Don't do it anymore.Copy !req
68. Ha!Copy !req
69. Just keep doing the sham on.
That's the one...Copy !req
70. - That's in bad taste.
- Ho!Copy !req
71. This isn't...Copy !req
72. Thriller eyes.Copy !req
73. I'm... oh, okay.
Ha!Copy !req
74. He doesn't slap his ass
like that, so I don't know what...Copy !req
75. I've never seen him
hit his ass...Copy !req
76. - Hey. But no...
- O-oh!Copy !req
77. Hey... can we just... hey...Copy !req
78. Hey, man...Copy !req
79. Hey, stop... stop it! Stop it!Copy !req
80. The costume's
awful,Copy !req
81. The impression is stupid
and played out,Copy !req
82. Everybody and their mother
was Michael JacksonCopy !req
83. three years ago when he died!Copy !req
84. He died?Copy !req
85. - Oh.
- Wait... wait, he died?Copy !req
86. Oh, Noah.Copy !req
87. Oh, Noah...Copy !req
88. What?
No, wait... wait a second.Copy !req
89. Don't sad-moonwalk away.Copy !req
90. Happy Halloween.Copy !req
91. All right, listen up.Copy !req
92. Sheriff's department's close by...
We'll be safe there.Copy !req
93. - Okay.
- Stay close.Copy !req
94. I'll get you out of here.Copy !req
95. Oh, my God! Oh, my G...
They got Brad!Copy !req
96. They got Brad! They got Brad!Copy !req
97. Hey, they didn't get us!
They didn't get us!Copy !req
98. Okay? We're still alive.Copy !req
99. - Yeah, right.
- Keep it together.Copy !req
100. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
101. We gotta make it
to that sheriff's station.Copy !req
102. We gotta go through 'em.Copy !req
103. Just stay together, keep moving,
and don't get bit.Copy !req
104. Go!Copy !req
105. - Are you getting this?
- Yeah, what is up?Copy !req
106. All right, let's go.
Let's go.Copy !req
107. This is crazy.Copy !req
108. - What?
- Um...Copy !req
109. - Oh.
- Ain't that some?Copy !req
110. These are some racist
motherzombies!Copy !req
111. Why would you even
lock the door?Copy !req
112. I mean, the window's broken,
and...Copy !req
113. Oh! Oh, hell, no.Copy !req
114. - That's...
- No, no, no.Copy !req
115. - Oh, come on!
- What is that?Copy !req
116. They seriously
wouldn't let her eat us.Copy !req
117. - That's...
- Hey, guys.Copy !req
118. Isn't this great?Copy !req
119. These racist zombies
are leaving us alone.Copy !req
120. Come on,
we're having a party.Copy !req
121. The beer is here!Copy !req
122. And look who I brought.
Come on, man.Copy !req
123. You like Harry Potter movies,
right?Copy !req
124. I do like...
putting me on blast.Copy !req
125. - Put me on blast.
- I'm just asking you...Copy !req
126. - Yeah, I like...
- If you enjoy the...Copy !req
127. Can you explain
that phenomenon to me?Copy !req
128. Never read a book,
never seen a movie.Copy !req
129. - Okay, see, well, you're...
- I don't know anything about it.Copy !req
130. - You're missing out.
- Am I missing out? Am I missing out?Copy !req
131. Mm, my friend.Copy !req
132. My friend, the wonderful world
of Hogwarts.Copy !req
133. Okay, and that's...
that's his house, right?Copy !req
134. That's... oh.Copy !req
135. - That's... Hogwarts's house?
- House.Copy !req
136. No, you would love it.Copy !req
137. You would love...
you would be perfect for Hog...Copy !req
138. - I don't think so.
- You... look, Hufflepuff.Copy !req
139. Hufflepuff.
You just got sorted.Copy !req
140. - Do I go like...
- You just got sorted.Copy !req
141. Is that right?
Is what I'm doing right?Copy !req
142. Okay, but do I look
in the camera?Copy !req
143. No? Oh, at you?
All right.Copy !req
144. Like on television,
all right.Copy !req
145. Now, knock it off!Copy !req
146. All the stupid-ass grab-ass
and touchy-feely bull!Copy !req
147. God damn!
I told you they was rotten.Copy !req
148. I am Parnabus Jackson,
principal here at Clortho's,Copy !req
149. Uh, Vince Clortho High.
Uh...Copy !req
150. This station's
just a formality, but...Copy !req
151. Here's a bunch of stuff that
we confiscated just this week.Copy !req
152. Stuff... we don't have
to show them that.Copy !req
153. Here's a wand
with a silencer on it.Copy !req
154. Why?
But I ask again, why?Copy !req
155. One out of five girls
in this schoolCopy !req
156. is pregnant with a demon baby!Copy !req
157. - Well...
- One out of five!Copy !req
158. The babies are evil,Copy !req
159. But the mothers,
they're good kids.Copy !req
160. As we say at Clortho's,Copy !req
161. "There's never a portal
that cannot be openedCopy !req
162. "with ingenuity and respect."Copy !req
163. Now...Copy !req
164. How you gon' be using
an invisible cloak,Copy !req
165. when I can see
you're tagging the damn wall?Copy !req
166. Dime bag of pixie dust.Copy !req
167. Contraband.Copy !req
168. See, here's the thing,Copy !req
169. The kids know
that the only way to fly...Copy !req
170. - Wizard pepper.
- Unbelievable.Copy !req
171. Get your ass
out my office.Copy !req
172. I will turn you
into a spider!Copy !req
173. They're good kids.Copy !req
174. Hogwarts and Clortho's,Copy !req
175. Clortho's and Hogwarts,
they go hand-in-hand,Copy !req
176. The best top two
wizarding schools there are.Copy !req
177. But you know,
out of these two schools,Copy !req
178. we each have a strike.Copy !req
179. We do score a little bit lower
on standardized testsCopy !req
180. than hogwarts,
but there is a cultural bias.Copy !req
181. We may not have
a huge endowmentCopy !req
182. like they get
over at Hogwarts,Copy !req
183. and yes, some of the teachers
have to buyCopy !req
184. their own newt's eyes
or bat wings or...Copy !req
185. One kid got transformed
into a cat.Copy !req
186. They can't even afford
to change him back.Copy !req
187. This young man's name
is Jamar.Copy !req
188. Normally, you're not allowed
to touch the students like thisCopy !req
189. when they're in human form,Copy !req
190. But when they're a cat,
we just have at it.Copy !req
191. Sports.Copy !req
192. Everybody loves sports.Copy !req
193. - It's true.
- Not everybody.Copy !req
194. The hallways are a-blusterCopy !req
195. with the conversation
of our Quidditch team.Copy !req
196. Half the team
is back here riding mops.Copy !req
197. We got two little
on Swiffers.Copy !req
198. Lester!Copy !req
199. When all is said and done,
the average Clortho student...Copy !req
200. uh, say... This mother...Copy !req
201. Sometimes the kids
think it's cuteCopy !req
202. To turn themselves
into a rat,Copy !req
203. sneak into my office,Copy !req
204. Play a little joke on me.Copy !req
205. Who is that?
Tyrone, is that... is that...?Copy !req
206. No,
that's an actual rat.Copy !req
207. So I'm doing this, like,
airline food diet.Copy !req
208. - Yeah.
- It's, like, all I eat,Copy !req
209. and I've lost,
like, 16 pounds.Copy !req
210. - Oh, my God, Amy.
- Yeah.Copy !req
211. - I almost forgot to tell you.
- What?Copy !req
212. We got a new receptionist
at work.Copy !req
213. - Ew! No way.
- Yeah. So...Copy !req
214. I'm in the common area alone,
minding my own business...Copy !req
215. - Yeah... oh,
she said something to you?Copy !req
216. She came up to me,
and no joke, she's like,Copy !req
217. "Hi, I'm Sandy.
I don't believe we've met yet."Copy !req
218. She said that to you?Copy !req
219. Like, no, Amy,
I'm not even kidding you.Copy !req
220. She's crazy.
- Um, yeah!Copy !req
221. No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy,
like, get this bitch away from me,Copy !req
222. She's sociopathically
batshit crazy.Copy !req
223. Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me,Copy !req
224. - I have a new neighbor.
- Ew, yeah?Copy !req
225. She comes over to my house,
she knocks on the doorCopy !req
226. with, like, a package under her arm.Copy !req
227. - Um, stalker much?
- Um, yeah.Copy !req
228. And she looks me in the eye,
and she says to me,Copy !req
229. "Um, excuse me,
I think the postmanCopy !req
230. dropped this package off
at my house by accident."Copy !req
231. - She said that to you?
- Yeah.Copy !req
232. - Crazy bitch!
- I mean, like,Copy !req
233. I'm gonna have to move
because this bitch isCopy !req
234. nutburgers-McLooneytunes,Copy !req
235. stand-at-the-foot-of-my-bed-
with-a-knife crazy.Copy !req
236. Oh, my God,
that totally reminds me!Copy !req
237. - Oh, yeah.
- You remember that girl at Starbuck's?Copy !req
238. - The crazy one?
- No, a different one. She's new.Copy !req
239. - I haven't met her yet.
- Well, she's crazy.Copy !req
240. - Uh-huh.
- She gives me my change,Copy !req
241. and then she's like,
"Thanks, bye."Copy !req
242. She smiled at you like that?Copy !req
243. - How crazy is that?
- That's, like...Copy !req
244. That's, like,
insane-in-the-membrane crazy.Copy !req
245. Like, this is the membrane, she's
inside of it, 'cause that's insane.Copy !req
246. No, I'm not even
kidding you, Amy,Copy !req
247. that's crazy like, it-puts-
the-lotion-in-the-basket,Copy !req
248. or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again,
Cray-to-the-motherCray!Copy !req
249. Yeah, like, if Jay-Z had a sister,
her name would be "Cray."Copy !req
250. Hey!Copy !req
251. You ladies
want to meet Channing Tatum?Copy !req
252. - Is he really in there?
- Are you serious?Copy !req
253. - Oh, Channing!
- (gasps) Oh, my God, Channing!Copy !req
254. Channing,
what are you doing in a van?Copy !req
255. This is effing crazy.
I don't see you, Channing.Copy !req
256. - Why are you hiding?
- Why are you in here?Copy !req
257. Channing, are you, like,
in a little ball in the front seat?Copy !req
258. Hello?
It smells like mildew in here.Copy !req
259. - I bet...
- ow! Sharp, jagged, rusty edge.Copy !req
260. Is that a meat hook?Copy !req
261. You guys know what
a Human Centipede is?Copy !req
262. Human centipede?Copy !req
263. Yeah.
You guys?Copy !req
264. Some of you don't?
Some people don't.Copy !req
265. There's this movie
called Human Centipede.Copy !req
266. It's the most up
horror movie ever.Copy !req
267. Ever made.
Ever made, ever.Copy !req
268. And what happens, basically,
three peopleCopy !req
269. and the first person's ass is sewn
to the next person's mouth.Copy !req
270. - Mouth.
- Whose ass is sewn...Copy !req
271. To the next person's mouth.Copy !req
272. And hence,
a multi-legged organism, uh...Copy !req
273. And then...
Look at this woman's mouth,Copy !req
274. It's just open... Don't open
your mouth right now, ma'am.Copy !req
275. She's just, like... don't op...
yes, please, don't...Copy !req
276. You don't want
to open your...Copy !req
277. No one's gonna
do it to you, ma'am.Copy !req
278. So here's what happened
in real life on planet Earth.Copy !req
279. - On planet Earth, in real life,Copy !req
280. somebody said, "Let's take
a look at this script here.Copy !req
281. - Yeah.
- "Let me see.Copy !req
282. "I think you'll like
everything I've done there.Copy !req
283. - "Uh-huh, okay.
- "Let me know how you think.Copy !req
284. "Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah,Copy !req
285. "this should make
millions of dollars."Copy !req
286. - I am gonna go wash my hands.
- Okay, sweetie.Copy !req
287. - Okay.
- See you in a second.Copy !req
288. Buddy!Copy !req
289. Um, I'm sorry, uh,
that seat is actually taken.Copy !req
290. My girlfriend
is in the bathroom,Copy !req
291. and she should be back any second,
so you cannot sit there.Copy !req
292. You don't even recognize me,
do you?Copy !req
293. No. No, I d... I don't...
I don't know you.Copy !req
294. We were in
that human centipede together!Copy !req
295. I said,
I do not know you.Copy !req
296. Three years ago, we were kidnapped
by the crazy German scientistCopy !req
297. who surgically connected us
into a single human digestive chain.Copy !req
298. There were three of us,
I was in the middle,Copy !req
299. you were at the end,
the other guy was up front.Copy !req
300. Your mouth
was sewn to my butthole!Copy !req
301. Okay, yes, I remember!Copy !req
302. And after years of therapy,
I finally put that behind me.Copy !req
303. Probably should've said
you put it behind me,Copy !req
304. If you catch my drift.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
305. Sorry!
You already caught my drift.Copy !req
306. I'm sorry!
That's it.Copy !req
307. It was right there
in front of me.Copy !req
308. - Really? Really?
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
309. I guess it was right there
in front of you.Copy !req
310. That's it.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
311. How are you doing?
How are you?Copy !req
312. Is there something else
I can help you with?Copy !req
313. - Um... oh!
- Hey, eater.Copy !req
314. - No way!
- Hey!Copy !req
315. - Front man!
- this is a nightmare.Copy !req
316. Hey, Back man.
Back man!Copy !req
317. No, don't call me that.Copy !req
318. - Ah!
- Hey, cop a squat.Copy !req
319. No!Copy !req
320. Ooh, chili.
Old habits die hard?Copy !req
321. Nice one!Copy !req
322. - Now I can't eat it.
- Oh, word?Copy !req
323. - Why are you happy to see him?
- Come on, man!Copy !req
324. You know, we all shared
the same experience.Copy !req
325. No, we didn't. He was in the front.
Nobody in his mouth!Copy !req
326. That is true.Copy !req
327. - Do you ever stop eating? Ever?
- Only when I'm.Copy !req
328. Okay.Copy !req
329. - But me and you, right?
- Me and you what?Copy !req
330. I mean.
We were in the same boat.Copy !req
331. Nope, you two
were in the same boat.Copy !req
332. You both
in someone's mouth.Copy !req
333. I didn't get to
in anyone's mouth!Copy !req
334. "Get to"?Copy !req
335. When do I get to
in anybody's mouth, huh?Copy !req
336. When do I get to
in somebody's mouth?Copy !req
337. - Steven!
- Hon... I... No.Copy !req
338. These guys... I can explain this.
I can explain this.Copy !req
339. You...Copy !req
340. Oh, you're disgusted?Copy !req
341. You... oh, now,
you're gonna leave?Copy !req
342. Oh, yeah.
That's great. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
343. Once again,
I'm the asshole.Copy !req
344. Good evening,
my fellow Americans.Copy !req
345. Now, as you know, sometimes
during the chaosCopy !req
346. of a presidential campaign,Copy !req
347. It's easy to forget the beauty
of the democratic process...Copy !req
348. This is it!Copy !req
349. Armageddon!Copy !req
350. I mean, y'all got to
vote for me, y'all, you have to!Copy !req
351. Or we gonna get banked over
by a bunch of bitch-ass billionaires!Copy !req
352. This is
my anger translator, Luther,Copy !req
353. Who... I thought
had the day off.Copy !req
354. What the are you
doing here, Luther?Copy !req
355. Anyway,
I think that everybodyCopy !req
356. needs to take a moment
to appreciateCopy !req
357. that our political system
truly works.Copy !req
358. Unless Romney wins,
and then the is broke!Copy !req
359. And despite the heated
rhetoric of a campaign, there'sCopy !req
360. always a place
for civil discourse.Copy !req
361. As long as you got a few
million dollars lying aroundCopy !req
362. so you can counteract
all the negative ads.Copy !req
363. Hey, Romney and Karl RoveCopy !req
364. and all you evil mother
with your slimy-ass super PACs,Copy !req
365. Y'all done poked a hornet's nest
with a sugar stick.Copy !req
366. Y'all slapped Frankenstein
right in the bolts, man.Copy !req
367. Uhh!Copy !req
368. And you know what,
after I win this?Copy !req
369. I'm taking all y'all down.Copy !req
370. Thank you,Copy !req
371. And I'll see you all
on the campaign trail.Copy !req
372. And when you give me
your babies to kiss,Copy !req
373. please clean they diapers,
all right?Copy !req
374. 'cause I ain't trying
to kiss no poop!Copy !req
375. Just wash they ass.Copy !req
376. You know,
just wash their ass.Copy !req
377. It's true.
You should wash their ass.Copy !req
378. How come in every
Stephen King book or movie...Copy !req
379. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
380. a black person
has got to have special powers?Copy !req
381. Yeah,
Green Mile.Copy !req
382. And the mouse is alive.Copy !req
383. - Right.
- I mean, you know what I mean?Copy !req
384. Okay.
Tom Hanks' (bleep) works.Copy !req
385. - That's right.
- You know what I mean?Copy !req
386. It's just, like...Copy !req
387. Bees coming out
of this mothermouth.Copy !req
388. - Aah.
- I mean, you know what I mean?Copy !req
389. And in The Stand, the woman...
you know, she had...Copy !req
390. She was clairvoyant? Oh, yeah.Copy !req
391. Oh, Mama Abagail
gonna show you the way.Copy !req
392. - That's... oh, yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
393. - I want to go to Maine...
- Yes.Copy !req
394. So I can meet
all these magical black people.Copy !req
395. That is where magical
black people go to retire.Copy !req
396. I-I... yeah, right...
oh, okay.Copy !req
397. So your office is
all the way down at the end.Copy !req
398. You have your own attached
bathroom, by the way.Copy !req
399. Oh, um, here's one
of our best researchers. Dick?Copy !req
400. - Hey.
- Ah, hello there.Copy !req
401. What's up, dude?Copy !req
402. Glad to see there's another brother
in this stuffy place.Copy !req
403. - So, uh, this is gonna be
your assistant, Genevieve.Copy !req
404. - Genevieve, I'm...
- What is this?Copy !req
405. It's the Shining, man.Copy !req
406. All black people
have the Shining.Copy !req
407. You never shined with
another black person before?Copy !req
408. No, I grew up in a white neighborhood
and then went to Dartmouth.Copy !req
409. I've met other black people before,
but not like this.Copy !req
410. You gotta get shined at
by another black person first,Copy !req
411. and then you get it.
It's kinda like Facebook.Copy !req
412. What up, dudes?Copy !req
413. So every black person has this?
Is Kobe listening?Copy !req
414. Yo, what up?Copy !req
415. Wow! Denzel Washington?Copy !req
416. I'm here, I'm present,
and I will always be around.Copy !req
417. - Lil' Jon?
- Yeah!Copy !req
418. Excuse me, Lil' Jon. Welcome, Ray.Copy !req
419. I'm glad to have you
on board.Copy !req
420. Oh,
What's up, Barack Obama?Copy !req
421. Ahem!Copy !req
422. Wouldn't that be something
if Barack Obama just showed up?Copy !req
423. Your start-up paperwork's
right over here.Copy !req
424. Man, you gotta be more careful.Copy !req
425. Learn to use the Shining.Copy !req
426. Tune in and out of it.Copy !req
427. And I'm sick of these
goddamn snakes...Copy !req
428. - Just give me the basketball!
- ... on this goddamn plane!Copy !req
429. Here, yo, Coco, what
you want to drink, girl?Copy !req
430. Leo, what are you doing?Copy !req
431. Drink some colt 45 malt liquor.Copy !req
432. Women dig chocolate!Copy !req
433. Is everything okay?Copy !req
434. Ray! Listen for Morgan.Copy !req
435. Morgan Freeman.
He will guide you.Copy !req
436. Listen to my voice, Ray.Copy !req
437. Now, just stay calm
and focus on that white man.Copy !req
438. Once you finish up this paperwork,
bring it to Jennifer in my office.Copy !req
439. Now, pick up that letter opener,Copy !req
440. and kill
that white man.Copy !req
441. Have an amazing Halloween.Copy !req
442. - Don't encourage him.
- Shamone! Oh!Copy !req
443. Close to your face!
- No, don't.Copy !req
444. We're not doing that.Copy !req
445. Sham on!Copy !req
446. Sham on! Sham on! Sham on!
Sham on! Sham on!Copy !req
447. Sham on!Copy !req
448. Ah! Ha!Copy !req
449. Close to your face!
- No! All right.Copy !req
450. Look at him,
he looks like...Copy !req
451. you look like Michael Jackson
after he got burntCopy !req
452. - Good night,
everybody!Copy !req
453. Oh, yeah!Copy !req