1. Hey, watch where the
you going.Copy !req
2. - Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh.Copy !req
3. I didn't see you had
a baby there, man.Copy !req
4. I'm sorry. I ain't trying
to fight nobody with a baby.Copy !req
5. Yeah, h-hell yeah,
you won't.Copy !req
6. Pfft.Copy !req
7. - Lucky mother.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
8. Well, you're lucky
I'm carrying this baby.Copy !req
9. What's up with that?Copy !req
10. Look, man, you need
to move on, all right?Copy !req
11. I already told you
I'm not gonna fight you.Copy !req
12. Huh.
That's what I thought, punk.Copy !req
13. - Psh.
- You wanna go?Copy !req
14. 'cause we can go
right now, dog.Copy !req
15. What's goin' on, brother?Copy !req
16. Man, what the hell
are you doing, man?Copy !req
17. What, what, what?
You tr... what, what?Copy !req
18. Tryin' to bo...
I can bob and weave it.Copy !req
19. - What?
- You bitch-ass,Copy !req
20. punk-ass mother,
let's go.Copy !req
21. Come on, man.
Come on.Copy !req
22. No, no, don't look at your boys.
Look at me, man.Copy !req
23. Don't look at your b...Copy !req
24. Ow.Copy !req
25. Oh, okay,
you think you hard.Copy !req
26. All right,
but you know what?Copy !req
27. I'ma show you what time it is
right now. Okay? Slap me.Copy !req
28. I'm just... right?
How 'bout this, huh?Copy !req
29. Now what you gonna do, huh?
Now what you gonna do?Copy !req
30. You ready?
'cause we can do it right now.Copy !req
31. 'cause I could take you out,
man.Copy !req
32. You're nothing...
Aaah...Copy !req
33. Ow!Copy !req
34. Oh! Oof.Copy !req
35. Okay.Copy !req
36. Oh, it's on now.Copy !req
37. That's... yep.Copy !req
38. You dead.
You dead.Copy !req
39. Excuse me, I need this.Copy !req
40. Yeah.Copy !req
41. Necesito un bebe.Copy !req
42. - Gracias.Copy !req
43. Listen.Copy !req
44. What the...Copy !req
45. What now, man?
What now?Copy !req
46. Let's go.Copy !req
47. You know what?
It's not even worth it, man.Copy !req
48. Ahh, ha ha.Copy !req
49. That's what I thought!Copy !req
50. So keep walking!Copy !req
51. Oh. Okay, that's vomit.Copy !req
52. That is vomit.Copy !req
53. Oh, dear.Copy !req
54. You know what's going on.Copy !req
55. - Thank you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
56. - Thank you!
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
57. Hello!Copy !req
58. Good evening.
I am Keegan-Michael Key.Copy !req
59. - I am Jordan Peele.
- And we are Key and Peele.Copy !req
60. - Key and Peele.
- Thank you for coming out.Copy !req
61. That's our names.Copy !req
62. All right.Copy !req
63. So one thing that is trueCopy !req
64. is that I would never, uh,
last in a gang.Copy !req
65. - Nor would I.
- No.Copy !req
66. Nor would I,
not for one moment.Copy !req
67. I mean, I don't get
the whole hand sign thing.Copy !req
68. - Mm-hmm.
- I'd be throwing up,Copy !req
69. "Hey, live long and prosper,
mother."Copy !req
70. You know?Copy !req
71. - That's what I got.
- I...Copy !req
72. I would be too concerned
about the colors.Copy !req
73. - Right.
- I would just be too c...Copy !req
74. I would... 'cause I don't
understand the colors.Copy !req
75. I don't understand
the rhyme or the reason.Copy !req
76. Now, Bloods...
I get that one.Copy !req
77. Why are Crips blue?Copy !req
78. Is that a arbitrary choice?
Is there a Crip in the house?Copy !req
79. Nobody? Nobody?Copy !req
80. I'm just... I'm just...Copy !req
81. Yes, ma'am, please.
Why are the Crips blue?Copy !req
82. She just r...Copy !req
83. "I'm a Crip.
I'm a Crip.Copy !req
84. "I'm a Crip.
Say somethin' else."Copy !req
85. - "Watch yourself."
- "Say somethin' else."Copy !req
86. "Watch
yourself.Copy !req
87. "'cause,
I got three gunsCopy !req
88. on me right now."Copy !req
89. What? What? What?Copy !req
90. What? What? What?
Check yo'self,Copy !req
91. before I body pierce
your damn skull.Copy !req
92. Think you can pull that trigger
'fore I blow your personalityCopy !req
93. out the back of yo' head?Copy !req
94. Then go right ahead
and test the hypothesisCopy !req
95. and see what happens.Copy !req
96. A'ight, I'ma give you
a straight-up vampire C-section,Copy !req
97. - like we was...
- Edward and Bella.Copy !req
98. Hold up.
You like Twilight?Copy !req
99. Yeah, I like Twilight,Copy !req
100. You like Twilight?Copy !req
101. , Twilight's
my jam.Copy !req
102. You a Edward
or a Jacob?Copy !req
103. Answer that
together.Copy !req
104. - Three, two, one.
- Edward.Copy !req
105. - Shi...
- Shi...Copy !req
106. - Are you ing with me?
- Are you ing with me?Copy !req
107. You either playing
some ed-up game,Copy !req
108. or you are straight-up
inside my head.Copy !req
109. Yo, and when you said
you was gonna blowCopy !req
110. my personality
out the back of my head,Copy !req
111. I'm like,Copy !req
112. "That sounds like some
I would say."Copy !req
113. - Psh.
- And now this Twilight?Copy !req
114. - It's wavelength,Copy !req
115. - So I guess we friends then.
- Oh, we best friends now.Copy !req
116. We the best of friends!Copy !req
117. - BFFs?
- We are BFFs, M.F.Copy !req
118. ♪ When I'm with you ♪Copy !req
119. ♪ The world stops turning around ♪Copy !req
120. ♪ When I'm with you ♪Copy !req
121. ♪ Our feet are off the ground ♪Copy !req
122. ♪ When I'm with you ♪Copy !req
123. ♪ Trumpets start to sound ♪Copy !req
124. ♪ When I'm with you ♪Copy !req
125. ♪ It's Heaven
when you're around ♪Copy !req
126. ♪ La, la, la, la... ♪Copy !req
127. No, you didn't!Copy !req
128. - No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did!Copy !req
129. That is a cra...
That's a crazy story, man.Copy !req
130. Whew, too much, boy.Copy !req
131. Team...Copy !req
132. Edward.Copy !req
133. Mm, mm, mm.Copy !req
134. Well, looks like
another gang-related killing.Copy !req
135. Surprise, sur-mother-
prise.Copy !req
136. You guys remember the
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?Copy !req
137. - Awful show.
- That show was crazy.Copy !req
138. It was, like, the worst editing
in the history of TV.Copy !req
139. Just bad sound effects.Copy !req
140. Yeah, totally.
Yeah, I mean...Copy !req
141. When was the last time
you heard a hit sound like that?Copy !req
142. - That doesn't sound like any...
- No, never.Copy !req
143. No, I've never...
I've never heard that, yeah.Copy !req
144. I love in kung fu movies,
and it, probably... it'd be like,Copy !req
145. just the wind, just...Copy !req
146. And you just hear that noise.Copy !req
147. - No, you can't.
- Exactly, no, you can't do that.Copy !req
148. Yellow Falcon,
what do your senses tell ya?Copy !req
149. Destructo is
a killing machine.Copy !req
150. His armor is impervious
to our blasters.Copy !req
151. You got any ideas,
Red Falcon?Copy !req
152. Sure do, Yellow Falcon.Copy !req
153. Blue Falcon, you remember
our battle at Dango Bluff?Copy !req
154. I'll take the legs,
you take the blasters.Copy !req
155. It was Beaver Creek,
and I took the legs.Copy !req
156. Make sure you shore up
that flank, Black Falcon.Copy !req
157. Um, are you talking to me?Copy !req
158. Because I'm
the Green Falcon.Copy !req
159. No time for that,
Black Falcon.Copy !req
160. Purple Falcon,
arm missiles!Copy !req
161. Roger that.
Arming missiles now.Copy !req
162. Uh...Copy !req
163. Battle formations.
We're going in.Copy !req
164. - Hey.
- Roger that.Copy !req
165. - Hold up.
- Copy that.Copy !req
166. - Roger.
- My Falcon is green.Copy !req
167. Hey, hey, hey.
We can talk aboutCopy !req
168. our Falcon colors when we get
back to base, Black Falcon.Copy !req
169. Right now,
we got a mission to do.Copy !req
170. Fall into Falcon formation.Copy !req
171. Well, now, here's the issue
is that, you're gonnaCopy !req
172. give me an order, I'm not gonna
know you're talking to me.Copy !req
173. 'cause... I'm not
in a Black Falcon.Copy !req
174. Come on, chill it out,
Black Falcon.Copy !req
175. Yeah, Black Falcon,
relax.Copy !req
176. First of all,
I don't like the wayCopy !req
177. you guys are saying "black."Copy !req
178. Second of all,
there is no Black Falcon!Copy !req
179. I'm Green Falcon!Copy !req
180. Black Falcon, homie,Copy !req
181. no one's trying to get up
in your grill here.Copy !req
182. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Don't talk to me like that.Copy !req
183. No, don't say "grill"
like that.Copy !req
184. I'm the Green Falcon,
and I...Copy !req
185. Oh, stop being
so Black Falcon about it.Copy !req
186. What the
do you mean by that?Copy !req
187. Black Falcon, brother,Copy !req
188. I understand
what you're going through.Copy !req
189. Do you?
No, I don't think you do.Copy !req
190. How would you feel if
I called you Red Falcon, huh?Copy !req
191. Whoa!Copy !req
192. And Purple Falcon,Copy !req
193. how would you feel if I called
you Yellow Falcon, huh?Copy !req
194. - That's racist.
- That was racist.Copy !req
195. - Yeah, that's racist.
- Ooh, that is racist.Copy !req
196. That's racist?Copy !req
197. Oh, see, okay,
nope, forget it.Copy !req
198. Black Falcon out...
Green Falcon!Copy !req
199. Green Falcon! Damn it!Copy !req
200. Hey! Why'd that Green Falcon
fall out of Falcon formation?Copy !req
201. Black Falcon,
get on that and report back.Copy !req
202. Black Falcon?
Black Falcon, come in.Copy !req
203. You know what's ridiculous?
When people go to prisonCopy !req
204. because they... they're trying
to cover for somebody else.Copy !req
205. - Yeah.
- Don't go to prison.Copy !req
206. If you... if you do...
if you didn't do the crime...Copy !req
207. Don't do the time.Copy !req
208. It's true.Copy !req
209. And that's one to grow on.Copy !req
210. But, you know,
in prison they, you know...Copy !req
211. It's not worth anything.Copy !req
212. - No, it's not.
- It's not worth anythingCopy !req
213. to just straight-up
get manhandled, and horseplayed,Copy !req
214. and monkeyed around.
No, you don't want any...Copy !req
215. - Eh, yeah, no.
- You don't want to haveCopy !req
216. animal interactions
with another man behind bars.Copy !req
217. I don't want
any rascally behavior.Copy !req
218. - I don't need...
- You don't want...Copy !req
219. everybody's undying respect
when I get out is not worth it.Copy !req
220. - No, and as a matter of fact...
- I don't care.Copy !req
221. you might not get
that undying respect...Copy !req
222. - Respect, yes.
- If, you know...Copy !req
223. when you fart it goes...
wooh... like a bottle.Copy !req
224. like a bottle.Copy !req
225. Like an empt...Copy !req
226. I'm sorry.Copy !req
227. Ma'am...
Breathe.Copy !req
228. Yo, man, you okay in here?Copy !req
229. Everyone on the outside
know you didn't talk.Copy !req
230. We got mad respect
for you, dog.Copy !req
231. All right?
Mad respect.Copy !req
232. Yes.Copy !req
233. And I am still happy
with that decision.Copy !req
234. The first time
I was in lockup,Copy !req
235. dog, I was scared
less, man.Copy !req
236. Scared less, yes.
That is an...Copy !req
237. accurate way
to describe it.Copy !req
238. Yeah, man, but, you know,Copy !req
239. it wasn't too long before
I made this place my bitch.Copy !req
240. Oh, eh, there's plenty
of that going on.Copy !req
241. Yo, I ran this place, man.Copy !req
242. Come on, man, you must be
running this hole.Copy !req
243. Well, I am doing
quite a bit of running.Copy !req
244. Man, you know there's a
certain pecking order in prison.Copy !req
245. You know, you got
the brothers on the top,Copy !req
246. and you got the brothers
on the bottom.Copy !req
247. You understand.Copy !req
248. Yes, I understand that
very clearlyCopy !req
249. and very frequently.Copy !req
250. That's my dog.Copy !req
251. Now...Copy !req
252. the reason I came, though,
is we got kind of a problem.Copy !req
253. You know a crazy brother in here
go by the name of "Seven Inch"?Copy !req
254. Yes.
I definitely know Seven Inch.Copy !req
255. All right,
well Seven Inch runCopy !req
256. with the Willis brothers,
all right?Copy !req
257. And he knows
some that...Copy !req
258. Well, let's just say we can't
have this guy naming names.Copy !req
259. All right?Copy !req
260. We thought since you
on the inside,Copy !req
261. you could take care of it.Copy !req
262. You know what
I'm talking about?Copy !req
263. You want me
to take care of Seven Inch?Copy !req
264. Yeah, you know,
just take him out the equation.Copy !req
265. The problem is
getting time with him.Copy !req
266. Oh, I can get time
with him.Copy !req
267. Oh, yes, I do believe
I will most likelyCopy !req
268. be seeing him this evening.Copy !req
269. That's awesome.Copy !req
270. Okay, but you...
you gotta get him alone, though.Copy !req
271. Ohhh...
That won't be a problem.Copy !req
272. Okay, well, uh...Copy !req
273. What's your plan, man?
How you gonna do it?Copy !req
274. What do you say
I bite his off?Copy !req
275. Excuse me?Copy !req
276. Just bring my teeth down hard
on his.Copy !req
277. Dog, how you...
how you gonna get that close?Copy !req
278. Just... Way ahead of you
on that one.Copy !req
279. Oh, man.
You bad, man.Copy !req
280. That's... that's some
hard, dog.Copy !req
281. This place
has changed you, man.Copy !req
282. You have no idea.Copy !req
283. - I'm scared of cops.
- You're scared of cops?Copy !req
284. I'm scared of cops.Copy !req
285. I-I mean, I'm generally
afraid of cops becauseCopy !req
286. when I walk around with, like,
a black friend,Copy !req
287. like you...Copy !req
288. I start... I start talking
a little bit more thugCopy !req
289. - 'cause, you know...
- No, I know.Copy !req
290. - We nee... yeah.
- Because we need the extra power.Copy !req
291. - We need this.
- To make one full black person.Copy !req
292. - We need this.
- So, you know.Copy !req
293. It's gotta be right aboutCopy !req
294. - this level right...
- I swear to God...Copy !req
295. But you know what I'm saying,
brother?Copy !req
296. You know what I'm saying?Copy !req
297. Didn't you just get more
comfortable all of a sudden?Copy !req
298. Yeah, all right.Copy !req
299. So, but a cop... if a cop
comes up to me on the street and,Copy !req
300. "Hey, what are you guys doing?"Copy !req
301. I-I turn into
Ned Flanders.Copy !req
302. It's all, "Hi-dee-oh.Copy !req
303. "Doing just fine.
Just walking down the streetCopy !req
304. "on a stroll, my friend.Copy !req
305. "Come on, follow me.Copy !req
306. "We'll find some criminals
together, let's do it."Copy !req
307. Oh, man.Copy !req
308. - "I'll tell on anyone."
- So...Copy !req
309. "I'll tell on..."Copy !req
310. Was I speeding, officer?Copy !req
311. You don't look like
you're from around here.Copy !req
312. No, sir.Copy !req
313. You been doing
any drugs tonight?Copy !req
314. No, sir.Copy !req
315. - Nope?
- No.Copy !req
316. Why don't you
pop that trunk,Copy !req
317. step out of the vehicle
for me, please.Copy !req
318. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
319. No drugs, huh?Copy !req
320. Nope.Copy !req
321. Well, well, well.Copy !req
322. What have we here?Copy !req
323. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You planted that in my car.Copy !req
324. Oh, did I?Copy !req
325. Or... did I plant this?Copy !req
326. Uh... I real... I guess...Copy !req
327. Up against the car,
right now.Copy !req
328. - Oh!
- Spread 'em!Copy !req
329. - Uh...
- Huh, what's going...Copy !req
330. Whoa, whoa.
What do we have here, huh?Copy !req
331. - What?
- These your colors, homie?Copy !req
332. - That's... that's not mine. Huh...
- Huh?Copy !req
333. - No, I don't know what that...
- What? No?Copy !req
334. Or are these your colors?Copy !req
335. Or perhaps these
are your colors.Copy !req
336. Or are these... ?
Look at all these colors.Copy !req
337. Man, you sure got
a lot of colors.Copy !req
338. - I don't...
- Look at all of these colors.Copy !req
339. - What, this is...
- Wasah!Copy !req
340. - Are you a real cop?
- Freeze!Copy !req
341. What is that?Copy !req
342. Mm.Copy !req
343. Well, well, well.Copy !req
344. It looks like
an illegal firearm.Copy !req
345. Or...Copy !req
346. Is it? Ahh.Copy !req
347. Oh.Copy !req
348. I'm... I don't...
I don't know what this is.Copy !req
349. - I'm sorry.
- Pick a card.Copy !req
350. That's not even a good fan.Copy !req
351. Any card.
You can just stick... there.Copy !req
352. - Okay, you took that card?
- Yeah.Copy !req
353. - Now, can you remember that card?
- Yes.Copy !req
354. Can you commit that card
to memory?Copy !req
355. - This is unbelievable.
- Have you done so?Copy !req
356. - Have you done so?
- Yes.Copy !req
357. Please insert the card back
into the deck randomly.Copy !req
358. Done.Copy !req
359. It's in a different place than
where you took it originally?Copy !req
360. - There.
- There we are. There we are.Copy !req
361. - This is ridiculous.
- Now, I take the deck like so.Copy !req
362. I give it a "skasloisles"
and "abracasloish."Copy !req
363. Uh, fu... wha...Copy !req
364. Okay...Copy !req
365. Ahh. Is this...
your card?Copy !req
366. - No!
- Are you sure?Copy !req
367. I want your badge number.Copy !req
368. Oh. Oh. Oh!Copy !req
369. Uh... uh... wha...Copy !req
370. Okay...Copy !req
371. - Oh!
- Haah.Copy !req
372. Uh...Copy !req
373. It's my ca...
How did you do that?Copy !req
374. Ahh.Copy !req
375. And...Copy !req
376. that is for you.Copy !req
377. After all that,
you're still giving me a ticket?Copy !req
378. Is it a ticket?Copy !req
379. Or is it a two-for-one coupon
for my showCopy !req
380. at the Magic House
Thursday night at 11:00 p.m.?Copy !req
381. Your call.Copy !req
382. I'll take the ticket.Copy !req
383. Great. Okay.Copy !req
384. Do you want to talk
about that tweet?Copy !req
385. - Well there... yes, there was...
- Yeah.Copy !req
386. Wha... uh, a few months ago,
I did a...Copy !req
387. a tweet that,
uh... it was a...Copy !req
388. basically,
a hypothetical.Copy !req
389. - Mm-hmm.
- And it asked the question,Copy !req
390. "What if names were farts?"Copy !req
391. - Mm-hmm.
- What if,Copy !req
392. instead of names,
we had signature farts?Copy !req
393. We were identified,
personally, by farts.Copy !req
394. And we felt
that it was a good idea...Copy !req
395. to use lots
of Comedy Central's moneyCopy !req
396. to bring you this scene
based on that very premise.Copy !req
397. Shame on you if you laugh.Copy !req
398. Please, enjoy.Copy !req
399. - Honey, someone's here.
- Oh. Okay.Copy !req
400. Oh, hey ...,
good to see you.Copy !req
401. Thanks for having us,Copy !req
402. This is my girlfriend,Copy !req
403. We're so happy
you could join us.Copy !req
404. And this is my wife,Copy !req
405. So this is the infamousCopy !req
406. and ...Copy !req
407. has told me
so much about you both.Copy !req
408. All good things I hope.Copy !req
409. You can never trust ...Copy !req
410. Hey, wait a minute.Copy !req
411. And please, please,
don't call me ...Copy !req
412. It makes me think
my mother's around someplace.Copy !req
413. Oh.Copy !req
414. Hey, you know, where is
little ...?Copy !req
415. Oh, she's at ...'s house
for a slumber party.Copy !req
416. - Ah.
- Oh, um, and ...,Copy !req
417. there's... this is the couple
from New YorkCopy !req
418. that we wanted you guys
to meet.Copy !req
419. Uh, this is ...
and her husband ...Copy !req
420. They're gonna be in New York
for a few weeks,Copy !req
421. so we were hoping you could
give them some tips.Copy !req
422. - Ooh.
- Sure.Copy !req
423. Oh, that'd be great.Copy !req
424. So, how do you know
and ...?Copy !req
425. Oh, well ...
and I went toCopy !req
426. School of Dramatic Arts,Copy !req
427. back when ...
was working in midtown.Copy !req
428. - Mm.
- Oh, where did you work?Copy !req
429. I was at ...,Copy !req
430. and ...Copy !req
431. Oh, the law firm.Copy !req
432. - Hey!
- Oh, hey.Copy !req
433. - Ha!
- How are you?Copy !req
434. - It's so good to see you.
- Good to see you.Copy !req
435. Come here.
Hey, everybody,Copy !req
436. this is ...Copy !req
437. I want you meet
one of my dearest,Copy !req
438. oldest friends,Copy !req
439. This is his girlfriend,Copy !req
440. - Hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
441. - Hello.
- Of course, you know ...Copy !req
442. - Oh, hi.
- This is ...,Copy !req
443. and this is her husband,Copy !req
444. - Hi.
- What a beautiful name.Copy !req
445. You know, I knew
a ...Copy !req
446. in grad school.Copy !req
447. Oh.Copy !req
448. Well, thank you,
but it's actually pronouncedCopy !req
449. Wow, I swear that sounds like
what you were saying ...Copy !req
450. I don't know.Copy !req
451. Anyways, it's lovely
to meet you all.Copy !req
452. Yeah, yeah, okay, yes.Copy !req
453. Robert!Copy !req
454. I'm so sorry.
Heinrich!Copy !req
455. I'll...Copy !req
456. show myself to the restroom.Copy !req
457. Wow, uh...Copy !req
458. - Jeez.
- So rude.Copy !req
459. Well, for ...'s sake.Copy !req
460. Thank you, everybody.Copy !req
461. Thank you so much
for coming out.Copy !req
462. I am the Yellow Falcon.Copy !req
463. I am the Black Fal...
Green Falcon!Copy !req
464. - Green, oh—
- Green Falcon!Copy !req
465. Good night, everybody.
Take care.Copy !req
466. Oh, yeah.Copy !req