1. (woman)
Neil? Neil!Copy !req
2. Yes, honey?Copy !req
3. Neil deGrasse Tyson,
I asked youCopy !req
4. to take the dog out
for a walkCopy !req
5. when I left the house
four hours ago.Copy !req
6. Now I come back,Copy !req
7. and this little
motherSputnikCopy !req
8. has done pissed
on my drapes.Copy !req
9. Now I've got to get rid
of those thingsCopy !req
10. and get new ones.Copy !req
11. Neil, it doesn't
make any sense.Copy !req
12. You are
an astrophysicist.Copy !req
13. How can you not keep track
of little details like this?Copy !req
14. Well, actually,Copy !req
15. it's the little detailsCopy !req
16. that cannot be kept track of,
by definition.Copy !req
17. In 1927, a German
university lecturerCopy !req
18. named Werner HeisenbergCopy !req
19. came to a seemingly
paradoxical conclusion,Copy !req
20. that the more we know
about the positionCopy !req
21. of a particle
in physical space,Copy !req
22. the less we know about
its momentum, and vice versa.Copy !req
23. Okay, but what—
what does that have to do—Copy !req
24. Taken in conjunction
with what we knowCopy !req
25. about the expansion
of the universe,Copy !req
26. this brings us
to a fascinating possibility,Copy !req
27. that maybe what we experience
as one point in time-spaceCopy !req
28. could actually be
a legion of points,Copy !req
29. which would mean
that your curtainsCopy !req
30. and little Sputnik's pee-peeCopy !req
31. could be as distant
from one anotherCopy !req
32. as we are
from the furthest galaxy.Copy !req
33. Okay.Copy !req
34. Well, just...
next time.Copy !req
35. Of course, dear.Copy !req
36. At some point, man,
I got to, like,Copy !req
37. slip some—some—some weed
into, like,Copy !req
38. some of your cookies
or something,Copy !req
39. and just, like,
get you high, man.Copy !req
40. Yeah, that would not beCopy !req
41. the worst thing
that ever happened.Copy !req
42. That might be fun.Copy !req
43. Also ecstasy.Copy !req
44. - I don't know about all that.
- Heroin.Copy !req
45. Maybe I'll have
a little marijuana.Copy !req
46. Laced with acid.Copy !req
47. No, thank you.Copy !req
48. Welcome to the team,
Mr. Wise.Copy !req
49. Thank you.Copy !req
50. Now, being an Arizona
Assistant State's AttorneyCopy !req
51. is an important job,Copy !req
52. one we take
very seriously.Copy !req
53. In fact, we are willing
to do anything to win.Copy !req
54. It's my honor, sir.Copy !req
55. And I look forward to serving
the state of Arizona.Copy !req
56. Are these marbles?Copy !req
57. How's that?Copy !req
58. I was just admiring
your container of marbles.Copy !req
59. Why, yes.Copy !req
60. My wife got them for me
as a gift...Copy !req
61. Oh.Copy !req
62. For my birthday.Copy !req
63. Which brings me
to a speechCopy !req
64. I like to give anyone
on their first dayCopy !req
65. here at
the state's attorney officeCopy !req
66. of Arizona.Copy !req
67. You see...
Lady JusticeCopy !req
68. is a committed woman.Copy !req
69. She's a slippery
little scallop,Copy !req
70. as you can observe...Copy !req
71. She doesn't cook,
doesn't clean,Copy !req
72. but what she does do,
is she'll turn a blind eye...Copy !req
73. What is going on?Copy !req
74. What?Copy !req
75. What are you doing?Copy !req
76. Oh, uh...Copy !req
77. I don't—Copy !req
78. The marbles, they're just—Copy !req
79. I got to tell you,
they're just so beautiful.Copy !req
80. I was wondering
what it would feel likeCopy !req
81. to—in my mouth.Copy !req
82. Like, what would
the marbles feel likeCopy !req
83. if they were in my mouth?Copy !req
84. That's... you know.Copy !req
85. What?Copy !req
86. Just, you know... you know.Copy !req
87. Like, just what would
it feel likeCopy !req
88. if there were just kind of
a whole ton of marblesCopy !req
89. in my—in my face.Copy !req
90. Well, don't do that.Copy !req
91. Just...Copy !req
92. Just don't do that.Copy !req
93. Yeah, yeah, of course,
of course.Copy !req
94. What am I doing over here?Copy !req
95. I mean, that's a thing
that a child would do, it is.Copy !req
96. You were saying?Copy !req
97. I was saying
that Lady Justice,Copy !req
98. she just stands there
in my office,Copy !req
99. looking at me.Copy !req
100. Hey!Copy !req
101. Forget the marbles, boy!Copy !req
102. Spit the marbles out,
please.Copy !req
103. There you go.Copy !req
104. Well...Copy !req
105. All right.Copy !req
106. Ah—Copy !req
107. How many—really?Copy !req
108. Do you have any—Copy !req
109. I'm gonna wait
for the last—Copy !req
110. I'm assuming there's—Copy !req
111. Yeah.Copy !req
112. I know there's another one
in there.Copy !req
113. - Nope.
- All right.Copy !req
114. I am so—I'm—they're just
so beautiful.Copy !req
115. I can't—
it's just these marbles.Copy !req
116. I got to tell you.Copy !req
117. You obviously don't
take this job very seriously.Copy !req
118. I do, sir.Copy !req
119. It's just these
particular marbles.Copy !req
120. I just needed to feelCopy !req
121. what they felt like
in my mouth.Copy !req
122. I don't know what is wrong
with me.Copy !req
123. You know we do serious
business here, right?Copy !req
124. Yes, I do know that.Copy !req
125. I'm 100% aware of that.Copy !req
126. 'Cause I've forgotten
where I was.Copy !req
127. You were saying that JusticeCopy !req
128. is a dumb, blind, old lady.
I heard every word.Copy !req
129. Yes—no!Copy !req
130. She's not dumb.Copy !req
131. But she is blind.Copy !req
132. She's reminiscent
of Kerry WashingtonCopy !req
133. in her prime.Copy !req
134. Good God.Copy !req
135. Janice, send in
the cleanup crew.Copy !req
136. Another one fell
for the marble trick.Copy !req
137. (man)
Oh, man, I feel like crap.Copy !req
138. I just came from
a trashy Indian restaurantCopy !req
139. in a strip mall.Copy !req
140. Not bad food, though.Copy !req
141. Got pretty lucky.Copy !req
142. Got the hottest,
baddest curryCopy !req
143. I ever ate in my life.Copy !req
144. Place called Naan Sense,
Indian joint,Copy !req
145. just, like, Terminal 3.Copy !req
146. It's like, I'm goingCopy !req
147. to my brother's wedding
on Sunday, and it's like,Copy !req
148. I don't even want to go.Copy !req
149. I don't even like my brother.Copy !req
150. My brother's, like, a jerk.Copy !req
151. Don't like his wife.Copy !req
152. She's, like, a bitch.Copy !req
153. I stayed with them
for, like, three weeks.Copy !req
154. She was a bitch
to me, man.Copy !req
155. I put my feet
on her coffee table.Copy !req
156. She was like, "Don't get
your feet on my coffee—"Copy !req
157. I'm like, "Who are you?"Copy !req
158. Scrimps.Copy !req
159. A ginger broad, man, like...Copy !req
160. Scrimps.Copy !req
161. Those are the worst people
on the planet.Copy !req
162. So I said that to him.Copy !req
163. I said that to him
in the parking lot.Copy !req
164. I cornered him
a little bit, sure.Copy !req
165. (demonic voice)
Scrimps.Copy !req
166. He swung on me.Copy !req
167. Can you believe that?Copy !req
168. It's like, who sings
on their own brother, man?Copy !req
169. Yeah, I swung back...Copy !req
170. But that's cool, you know.Copy !req
171. It's like, I haven't
seen him for a while,Copy !req
172. but now I got this expensive
wedding I have to go to.Copy !req
173. So it's crazy.Copy !req
174. I got to get my tickets,Copy !req
175. and that's a whole situation.Copy !req
176. I hate doing that.Copy !req
177. And—hold on a second.Copy !req
178. Hey, hey, pal pal.Copy !req
179. Start on
the downstairs bits.Copy !req
180. I'm in the middle
of a conversation up here.Copy !req
181. - Hey.
- Of course, of course.Copy !req
182. Whatever you say.Copy !req
183. Thank you.Copy !req
184. Sorry about that.Copy !req
185. Just have
a little guy hereCopy !req
186. working on my suit...Copy !req
187. (demonic voice)
From the eternal, from within.Copy !req
188. You know, I mean, there's always
chicks at the wedding, right?Copy !req
189. There is a guy in there.Copy !req
190. - The answer is yes.Copy !req
191. And hopefully, you know,
I can get, like,Copy !req
192. two down in one evening,
you know?Copy !req
193. And speaking of
"two down in one evening,"Copy !req
194. if they've got popcorn shrimp
and little lobster rolls,Copy !req
195. I'm a happy man.Copy !req
196. But they're not
going to have that...Copy !req
197. (demonic voice)
Stop!Copy !req
198. Who goes there?Copy !req
199. Sal.Copy !req
200. My name is Sal.Copy !req
201. (demonic voice)
Sal... the end is near.Copy !req
202. What?Copy !req
203. Why—what—Copy !req
204. What do you mean?Copy !req
205. (demonic voice)
Everything is changing.Copy !req
206. What do you mean?Copy !req
207. (demonic voice)
The end is near, Sal.Copy !req
208. No, I don't know
what you mean.Copy !req
209. What do you mean?Copy !req
210. I don't want to die!Copy !req
211. (demonic voice)
There's nothing you can do.Copy !req
212. The end is near.Copy !req
213. Everything is changing.Copy !req
214. From the eternal,
from within.Copy !req
215. No, I don't want to die!Copy !req
216. What do you mean?Copy !req
217. (demonic voice)
The end is near.Copy !req
218. (Sal)
What?Copy !req
219. Sorry about that, man.Copy !req
220. Of course.Copy !req
221. Change is coming.Copy !req
222. The craziest part
of all of this,Copy !req
223. I actually am
on acid right now.Copy !req
224. Are you right now?Copy !req
225. - Yeah.
- Wow.Copy !req
226. Like, for instance,
I don't even—Copy !req
227. I'm 90% sure you're here.Copy !req
228. But if I shut my eyes
and you weren't,Copy !req
229. I would not be surprised.Copy !req
230. You would not be surprisedCopy !req
231. if this car just kind of
lifted off in the airCopy !req
232. and just started driving
through spaceCopy !req
233. with a rainbow trail.Copy !req
234. - Mm-hmm.
- You would not be surprised.Copy !req
235. Hey, none of this is real,
man.Copy !req
236. None of this is real,
okay?Copy !req
237. Just surface—Copy !req
238. - Yo.
- What's up?Copy !req
239. Game of Thrones,
though, dog.Copy !req
240. Yo, you all caught up?Copy !req
241. Yo, I totally binge-watchedCopy !req
242. that whole thing
last night, dog.Copy !req
243. Yo, it's cold-blooded
up in Westeros, dog.Copy !req
244. They killed my Ned!Copy !req
245. Ned Starks?Copy !req
246. You ain't see that one
coming, did you?Copy !req
247. - Oh, hell no.
- Uh-uh.Copy !req
248. - Oh, my God.
- Uh-uh.Copy !req
249. I mean, my man
was just there, right?Copy !req
250. And he got down there
on the thing.Copy !req
251. - Like blip.Copy !req
252. And then I was like,
"I ain't worried.Copy !req
253. They ain't gonna kill
my boy Ned Starks!"Copy !req
254. - Slit.
- And then plop.Copy !req
255. I was like...Copy !req
256. Yo, I told you they
cold-blooded up in there.Copy !req
257. And then I was like,
"But that's okay,Copy !req
258. because I still got
my Khal Drogos."Copy !req
259. Big Dave Navarro?Copy !req
260. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.Copy !req
261. Big Dave Navarro?Copy !req
262. Widdly-widdly-widdly
widdly-wow!Copy !req
263. Yeah, that dude picked up
some molten gold,Copy !req
264. poured it
on heads.Copy !req
265. "I want to sleep
with my sister!"Copy !req
266. Yo.Copy !req
267. And he killed him, right?Copy !req
268. I mean, he big like Hercules
and everything.Copy !req
269. I'm like, you can't
kill Khal DrogosCopy !req
270. with a paper cut.Copy !req
271. An infected scratch
up on there?Copy !req
272. An infected scratch!Copy !req
273. - But he got straight...
(both) Killed!Copy !req
274. Yo, but you know who my
favorite character is, dog?Copy !req
275. Who's that, dog?Copy !req
276. Pssst!
Khaleesies.Copy !req
277. Khaleesi.Copy !req
278. You know I be liking
some Khaleesies, dog.Copy !req
279. But what about KhaleesiesCopy !req
280. straight-up
with the dragons?Copy !req
281. Oh, it's—Copy !req
282. Khaleesies
with the dragons.Copy !req
283. And Khaleesi's
all like this.Copy !req
284. And then we talking about—Copy !req
285. Whoosh!Copy !req
286. Just straight
roasting goats!Copy !req
287. Yo!Copy !req
288. Oh, my God.Copy !req
289. And that's when they startCopy !req
290. killing characters
left and right, dog!Copy !req
291. - At the wedding?
- Yo, at the wedding!Copy !req
292. - Robb Starks.
- What?Copy !req
293. - His wife.
- What?Copy !req
294. - They got his mama!
- Yo!Copy !req
295. (both)
Killed, killed, killed, killed!Copy !req
296. That was a four-for-one, dog.Copy !req
297. Four-for-one up there, dog.Copy !req
298. That's a straight
four-for-one, dog.Copy !req
299. Four-for-one up in there.Copy !req
300. What about when they
got wildlings girl?Copy !req
301. Talking about...Copy !req
302. "You know nothing,
Jon Snow."Copy !req
303. - Screek!
- Guh!Copy !req
304. (both)
Killed!Copy !req
305. What about the Hound, though?Copy !req
306. - Yo!
- The Hound!Copy !req
307. "Ah, I'm falling
down the hill!"Copy !req
308. "Kill me!Copy !req
309. You've got to kill me!"Copy !req
310. [high-pitched]
"No!"Copy !req
311. (both)
Killed!Copy !req
312. Slowly, by omission.Copy !req
313. Bingo.Copy !req
314. Yo, what about my man
Taiwan Lannisters?Copy !req
315. Taiwan Lannisters.Copy !req
316. Taiwan Lannisters!Copy !req
317. What about Taiwan Lannisters,
dog?Copy !req
318. Yo, my man talking about,Copy !req
319. "I'm taking a."Copy !req
320. He's like—ow!Copy !req
321. (both)
Killed!Copy !req
322. By his own son.Copy !req
323. What?Copy !req
324. Da Dinkles.Copy !req
325. Da Dinkles.Copy !req
326. Da Dinkles, yo.Copy !req
327. Da Dinkles.Copy !req
328. Da Dinkles!Copy !req
329. Dinkles is my jam.Copy !req
330. Can't nobody kill da Dinkles!Copy !req
331. Da Dinkles is my jam,
my jelly,Copy !req
332. my peanut butter,
and my peanuts.Copy !req
333. - Dinkles.
- Da Dinkles.Copy !req
334. Dinkles, though!Copy !req
335. (both)
Dinkles is my!Copy !req
336. (woman)
Neil!Copy !req
337. There you are.Copy !req
338. What are you doing?Copy !req
339. We have to go
to my Aunt Nelly's funeral.Copy !req
340. How are you not ready?Copy !req
341. I've been talking to you
about this all week.Copy !req
342. How am I gonna find you
in your boxersCopy !req
343. looking in
a science magazine?Copy !req
344. I swear, Neil,Copy !req
345. sometimes I thinkCopy !req
346. you don't have any idea
of what's important.Copy !req
347. Well... actually...Copy !req
348. an idea of what's importantCopy !req
349. is as close
as we can ever comeCopy !req
350. to any definition
of importance.Copy !req
351. Our galaxy is oneCopy !req
352. of over 100 billion
in the observable universe,Copy !req
353. and it's 100,000
light-years across,Copy !req
354. which means it would take light
100,000 years to traverse.Copy !req
355. Okay, but—Copy !req
356. But that's just space.Copy !req
357. If we were to chart
the history of the universeCopy !req
358. on one calendar year,Copy !req
359. the history of mankind
as we know it,Copy !req
360. would just take placeCopy !req
361. in the final second
of that year.Copy !req
362. So, whether I'm ready now
or in 500 years,Copy !req
363. well, cosmically speaking,Copy !req
364. the distinction is meaningless.Copy !req
365. Well... okay.Copy !req
366. I'm—I'm going now.Copy !req
367. Good-bye, honey.Copy !req
368. True story.Copy !req
369. I went down to San Francisco
with my girlfriend.Copy !req
370. Brup-brup-brup.Copy !req
371. And we were going
to an event,Copy !req
372. and Bill Nye
the Science Guy...Copy !req
373. Was there?Copy !req
374. No joke.Copy !req
375. Bill Nye
hit on my girlfriendCopy !req
376. in front of my face.Copy !req
377. Did he really?Copy !req
378. Bill Nye the Science Guy...Copy !req
379. You need the back
the up.Copy !req
380. Dude, pussy hound, man.Copy !req
381. That guy
has laid down pipe.Copy !req
382. Probably
polycarbonate pipe.Copy !req
383. Probably.Copy !req
384. Hello, this is Gavin.Copy !req
385. (Colin)
Hi, Gavin, my name
is Colin Valenti.Copy !req
386. I'm calling from
Master Travel IncorporatedCopy !req
387. to tell you about an exciting
limited-time offer,Copy !req
388. exclusive Las Vegas getaway.Copy !req
389. Can I have a few moments
of your timeCopy !req
390. to tell you
about this new package?Copy !req
391. You know what,
I would love to,Copy !req
392. but I just don't have the time.Copy !req
393. Hello?Copy !req
394. Hello?Copy !req
395. Hm.Copy !req
396. (Colin)
This is Colin Valenti,
Master Travel Incorporated.Copy !req
397. How may I be of service?Copy !req
398. Hi, Colin Valenti.Copy !req
399. My name is Gavin.Copy !req
400. I think we just talked.Copy !req
401. Did we get disconnected?Copy !req
402. (Colin)
Yeah, no—I mean, yeah,
I hung up on you.Copy !req
403. Why would you do that?Copy !req
404. I mean, are you even—Copy !req
405. Are you even allowed
to do that?Copy !req
406. (Colin)
Were you going to buy
the Las Vegas package?Copy !req
407. Well, I mean, probably not,
but that's not the point.Copy !req
408. (Gavin)
The point is—Copy !req
409. What the hell?Copy !req
410. (Colin)
This is Colin—Copy !req
411. Yeah, Valenti.
Listen.Copy !req
412. (Gavin)
I don't know what
crawled up your assCopy !req
413. and set up shop there,
but you don't get to hang up—Copy !req
414. What?Copy !req
415. Oh, my g—Copy !req
416. (Colin)
What the do you want?Copy !req
417. What is your deal, huh?Copy !req
418. (Colin)
Um, you don't want
the Vegas package,Copy !req
419. so I don't want to talk.Copy !req
420. I did us a favor,
wasting our time here.Copy !req
421. (Gavin)
Stop, stop, don't you dareCopy !req
422. hang up that phone,
okay?Copy !req
423. (Colin)
Why shouldn't I?Copy !req
424. Why shou—Copy !req
425. What if I wanted
the Vegas package?Copy !req
426. Wha—you know what?Copy !req
427. I want the Vegas package.Copy !req
428. (Colin)
Sure you do.Copy !req
429. What?Copy !req
430. You mother!Copy !req
431. Oh, my God!Copy !req
432. You son of a bitch.Copy !req
433. (Colin)
Come on, man, let it go.Copy !req
434. you, man!Copy !req
435. you!Copy !req
436. I want five packages!Copy !req
437. Right now—you know what?Copy !req
438. (Gavin)
You know what?
Where's my wallet?Copy !req
439. This is my credit card
number, right here.Copy !req
440. Okay, listen.Copy !req
441. Get off me.Copy !req
442. My credit card number
is 0074-5403-0098.Copy !req
443. The expiration date
is 12-20!Copy !req
444. And then—and then the—
oh, yeah!Copy !req
445. The security number is 084!Copy !req
446. So run the damn card right now!Copy !req
447. Right now!Copy !req
448. You run it right now,
asshole!Copy !req
449. (Colin)
Thank you for your business.Copy !req
450. Well, I hope
you learned your le—Copy !req
451. These new call scripts
are really great.Copy !req
452. Yeah, I know, right?Copy !req
453. What the
do you want, Kathy?Copy !req
454. (woman)
Neil!Copy !req
455. Who is she?Copy !req
456. Who is the white bitchCopy !req
457. that left this
goddamn lipstick stainCopy !req
458. on your collar?Copy !req
459. Hmm?Copy !req
460. Oh, I got you.Copy !req
461. You're caught,Copy !req
462. because this
is apricot-colored,Copy !req
463. and you know
who wears that?Copy !req
464. White bitches.Copy !req
465. And you can't talk your way
out of this one,Copy !req
466. 'cause I'm not
getting confused today,Copy !req
467. 'cause I got
my in orderCopy !req
468. and I've done
my research.Copy !req
469. Okay, Neil?Copy !req
470. You see, we are here
at this point in space-time,Copy !req
471. on a human scale.Copy !req
472. But at this point,Copy !req
473. You a triflin'-ass
mother.Copy !req
474. So expect the papers
from the lawyer,Copy !req
475. 'cause we're parting ways.Copy !req
476. Well, actually...Copy !req
477. No, no.Copy !req
478. We are always parting ways
and not parting waysCopy !req
479. in every conceivable
combination.Copy !req
480. Many physicists,
including Stephen Hawking,Copy !req
481. now believe that there isCopy !req
482. an infinite number
of universes.Copy !req
483. It's called multiverse theory,Copy !req
484. and it suggests that there are
an infinite number of universesCopy !req
485. in which I didn't have sex
with that white woman.Copy !req
486. I Bill Nye
the Science Guy.Copy !req
487. You bitch.Copy !req
488. Bill Nye, little bitch.Copy !req
489. Looking like a pimpleCopy !req
490. that I'm about to itch.Copy !req
491. Scratch off your head,
mother.Copy !req
492. Try and take my girl?Copy !req
493. You a sucker.Copy !req
494. (Keegan-Michael)
None of this is real.Copy !req
495. (Jordan)
Oh...!Copy !req
496. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
497. His dick was as big
as the Milky Way.Copy !req
498. You bitch.Copy !req
499. And as heavy as a quasar.Copy !req
500. You are a black hole,Copy !req
501. sucking up
every man you meet.Copy !req