1. Tonight's Mr. Show with Bob and DavidCopy !req
2. is being broadcast live
from the La Cuesta resortCopy !req
3. in Scottsdale, Arizona,Copy !req
4. as part of the Globo-Chem corporation'sCopy !req
5. yearly "get motivated weekend."Copy !req
6. Three days of business
awareness intensives,Copy !req
7. trust exercises,
motivational entertainment,Copy !req
8. drinks with touring golf professionals,Copy !req
9. and late-night hot tub sessionsCopy !req
10. with touring golf professionals.Copy !req
11. And now,Copy !req
12. if we could please
all put our hands together,Copy !req
13. and welcome the motivational
humor of Bob and da... David.Copy !req
14. Wow!Copy !req
15. All right!Copy !req
16. Awesome, this is great.Copy !req
17. We have got a comedy show tonightCopy !req
18. that's going to help you laugh your salesCopy !req
19. right through the roof!Copy !req
20. You bet we do, Bob.Copy !req
21. Goodness, David, why are you so tired?Copy !req
22. I was up late last night,
drinking with Mr. Oliveri.Copy !req
23. Well, let me tell you something,Copy !req
24. you think you're tired,Copy !req
25. this morning I challenged
Jane Smales in human resourcesCopy !req
26. to see who could go through
the most diets in one day.Copy !req
27. Who won? She won.Copy !req
28. Of course, she won!Copy !req
29. That's great!Copy !req
30. So, David, how come I didn't
see you at the tug-o-war?Copy !req
31. Oh, I wanted to, but I had to bow outCopy !req
32. because they put me
behind Jeff Teasdale.Copy !req
33. T.C.!Copy !req
34. Right, now, why would
that make you quit?Copy !req
35. Because his adult diaper
broke and I slipped in his shit!Copy !req
36. Well...Copy !req
37. Well, I'll tell you,Copy !req
38. I would certainly love to
hear more of your stories,Copy !req
39. but I have to go screw
Larry Taley's wife, Sally.Copy !req
40. Wait a second, so do I!Copy !req
41. Wait, wait, what the fuck?!Copy !req
42. You're making jokes about my wife!Copy !req
43. Well, you guys asked US to
tailor our performance for you.Copy !req
44. That's what makes these
corporate gigs so fun.Copy !req
45. My wife is fucking
around? Who told you that?Copy !req
46. The same guy who told USCopy !req
47. that Jeff Teasdale is incontinent.Copy !req
48. Yeah, I think his name was Carl Peters.Copy !req
49. Carl Peters told US.Copy !req
50. That fucker! I'll kill that son of a bitch!Copy !req
51. Okay.Copy !req
52. Well, let's get started with ourCopy !req
53. first act of the evening.Copy !req
54. We have got somebody who
you're going to recognizeCopy !req
55. from his numerous
T.V. And movie appearances.Copy !req
56. Please welcome Josh Fenderman,Copy !req
57. and "honesty in motion".Copy !req
58. Whoo!Copy !req
59. ♪ Is this who you think I am ♪Copy !req
60. ♪ who you want me to be ♪Copy !req
61. ♪ am I your dream maker ♪Copy !req
62. ♪ why can't you let me be me ♪Copy !req
63. the road to the top was a rocky oneCopy !req
64. for Josh Fenderman,Copy !req
65. and he had no idea
it would lead to the bottom.Copy !req
66. By the time that he was 12-years-old,Copy !req
67. Josh Fenderman was one of
Hollywood's toppest young stars.Copy !req
68. Commercials like this one, for Frankie
P. Cheesewinkles pleasure factoryCopy !req
69. an arcade and pizza place,Copy !req
70. catapulted him into the upper Echelon.Copy !req
71. It's Pumpkinninny!Copy !req
72. America fell in love with the young boyCopy !req
73. who made faces like he couldn't
believe what he'd just said.Copy !req
74. Nobody knew his name,Copy !req
75. but what his parents knew was
that they had a hit on their hands.Copy !req
76. People say his father and
I took advantage of Josh.Copy !req
77. What they don't realize is,Copy !req
78. for the first five or six years of
his life, he made no money at all.Copy !req
79. Zero. We paid for everything.Copy !req
80. Finally we were getting
a return on our investment.Copy !req
81. What was once a whiny little babyCopy !req
82. was now a money bag with teeth.Copy !req
83. And then Josh got the call
every actor waits for.Copy !req
84. Director Sal Stevenberg
was widely acclaimedCopy !req
85. as the best thing
to come out of HollywoodCopy !req
86. since sliced bread,
not to mention its sequel,Copy !req
87. Sliced Bread II, Electric Boogaloo.Copy !req
88. Three of his six films were in
the top 10 out of 12 of all time.Copy !req
89. Sol tapped Josh to play the leadCopy !req
90. in his next blockbuster-to-be,
the Goober Patrol.Copy !req
91. It was a role that would
net him tens of millionsCopy !req
92. of thousands of hundreds of dollars.Copy !req
93. Josh was on top of the world.Copy !req
94. And as he got older, movies likeCopy !req
95. Dumbell University and Tunafishing '87Copy !req
96. increased not only Josh's popularity,Copy !req
97. but also his bankroll.Copy !req
98. We built a glass mansion on a hillCopy !req
99. overlooking a ghetto,Copy !req
100. so the poor people could look
up and be inspired by our wealth.Copy !req
101. But even with all this right,Copy !req
102. what the public didn't see
coming was all the wrong.Copy !req
103. By the end of the '80s,
Josh was flat broke.Copy !req
104. Amazingly, Josh doesn't condemn the
Hollywood party system for his decline.Copy !req
105. There's only one thing I can blame,Copy !req
106. and that's the money itself.Copy !req
107. I didn't know how to spend this money.Copy !req
108. It didn't come with
instructions, or a manual.Copy !req
109. I didn't realize that, if you exchanged itCopy !req
110. for property or services,Copy !req
111. that they would take it away for good.Copy !req
112. And that's just what they did.Copy !req
113. Josh took the kind of riskCopy !req
114. he usually reserves for his acting,Copy !req
115. waging a lengthy court battleCopy !req
116. against the treasury department.Copy !req
117. Just let me say this, all right?Copy !req
118. This money is gone.Copy !req
119. I'm from Hollywood,
I make millions of dollarsCopy !req
120. pretending to be other people.Copy !req
121. But no one was pretending when
they took this money away from me.Copy !req
122. Josh won his case.Copy !req
123. Forcing the treasury
department to include a warningCopy !req
124. on all newly minted currency.Copy !req
125. After Josh's success,
several similar suits cropped upCopy !req
126. in courthouses all across the country.Copy !req
127. Oh, this is so sweet, I'll never eat it.Copy !req
128. I missed you so much.Copy !req
129. You missed me?Copy !req
130. I missed you.Copy !req
131. Oh, hon, this has been
the longest week of my life.Copy !req
132. Let's never break up again.Copy !req
133. No.Copy !req
134. So, what'd you do all week?Copy !req
135. You mean, besides cry?Copy !req
136. I barely left the house. What about you?Copy !req
137. Well, I was depressed.Copy !req
138. And, I tried to get my life together.Copy !req
139. I signed up for a Tex-Mex cooking class.Copy !req
140. Oh, do you mind?Copy !req
141. No.Copy !req
142. Since when do you smoke?Copy !req
143. Since this past week. US.Copy !req
144. You know, I've tried
to quit a couple times.Copy !req
145. I'm gonna quit.Copy !req
146. Of course.Copy !req
147. But now tell me, Tex-Mex,
now that's Texas and Mexico?Copy !req
148. Yeah, it's like a combinCopy !req
149. that's for embarrassing, Jennifer!Copy !req
150. She's been sitting at home cryingCopy !req
151. since you stood her up at
the alter, you piece of shit.Copy !req
152. What was that? Who's Jennifer?Copy !req
153. Oh, it's nothing, it was nothing.Copy !req
154. He's just mad because I
didn't marry his sister, Jennifer.Copy !req
155. You got engaged last week?Copy !req
156. It was a mistake. Look...Copy !req
157. No, no, no. I was at home
thinking about US, crying,Copy !req
158. and I cried so much,
honey, that I got a headache.Copy !req
159. Oh. Yeah.Copy !req
160. And I went out to get some aspirin,Copy !req
161. I met this girl named
Jennifer and we got engagedCopy !req
162. and it was a mistake and it's over.Copy !req
163. Just tell me about this Tex-Mex
class. When does it start?Copy !req
164. Well, not for awhile.Copy !req
165. Excuse me.Copy !req
166. I couldn't help but notice.Copy !req
167. I was just sitting over... You rock!Copy !req
168. Okay.Copy !req
169. Can you sign one. It's not for me!Copy !req
170. Okay, thank you.Copy !req
171. I was in a Christian rock band.Copy !req
172. It's new wave mixed with a little rap.Copy !req
173. This was Tuesday.Copy !req
174. And it's, you know... So,
just, Tex-Mex, now tell meCopy !req
175. you Judas!Copy !req
176. For they that tear my people asunderCopy !req
177. shall not dignify the houses of the lord!Copy !req
178. You are officially rebuked!Copy !req
179. Honey, this is 2001,
a new wave Godyssy.Copy !req
180. Oh, is this the Jezebel
you broke up the band for?!Copy !req
181. Harlot! Whore!Copy !req
182. Guys! I'm not Jennifer, okay?Copy !req
183. We only know you by your
porn name, Crystal Knockers.Copy !req
184. Come, brother.Copy !req
185. For Christ shall rise up
and smite them andCopy !req
186. Jennifer was a porn star?Copy !req
187. No, no, honey, Jennifer
and Crystal KnockersCopy !req
188. are two different people. I never
went out with crystal knockers.Copy !req
189. She's a porn star.Copy !req
190. We were both in this
blow job competition.Copy !req
191. Listen, Tex-Mex, tell me... you!Copy !req
192. That is for embarrassing my girlfriend.Copy !req
193. She's been in the shower for two days.Copy !req
194. She says she'll be clean again.Copy !req
195. Well, that's just crystal's boyfriend.Copy !req
196. He's just mad because I
beat her in the competition.Copy !req
197. You gave people blow jobs?Copy !req
198. The most people.Copy !req
199. That's why they have
a drink named after me here.Copy !req
200. They have a drink called
"the Todd Hindley"?Copy !req
201. No, it's called, "the
ultimate dick sucker".Copy !req
202. But, honey, Tex-Mex, now is that moreCopy !req
203. you know this is really hard for me.Copy !req
204. You said you were home crying all week.Copy !req
205. I was, okay?Copy !req
206. But then I was born again,
and I joined that band,Copy !req
207. and then I met Jennifer, andCopy !req
208. then I quit the band and then
Jennifer and I got engaged,Copy !req
209. and then I called that off.Copy !req
210. Then, I lucked into that porn film.Copy !req
211. Oh, god.Copy !req
212. Well, what?Copy !req
213. I'm sure you did a few things
that you're not very proud of,Copy !req
214. miss Tex-Mex!Copy !req
215. In the last week?Copy !req
216. No, I barely signed up for the class.Copy !req
217. I just sat around.Copy !req
218. You sat around inside
alone for an entire week?Copy !req
219. Really, huh?Copy !req
220. Some of my friends took
me to a male strip club.Copy !req
221. They thought it would cheer me up.Copy !req
222. Yeah, that and Tex-Mex!Copy !req
223. Would you shut up about the class?Copy !req
224. It hasn't even started yet!Copy !req
225. Yeah, well, it's okay,
because I forgive you.Copy !req
226. For what? Forget it, I'm leaving.Copy !req
227. No, honey, don't, don't go! Please,
I don't want to go back to that life.Copy !req
228. It was horrible, all those people kissing
my ass, all the fucking and sucking...Copy !req
229. Honey, are you bleeding?Copy !req
230. Spicy mesquite sauce.Copy !req
231. Tex-Mex.Copy !req
232. I thought you said that
class hadn't even started yet!Copy !req
233. It was a one-day intensive seminar.Copy !req
234. You liar!Copy !req
235. Guys, I'm back in the band!Copy !req
236. All right!Copy !req
237. ♪ We are praying machines ♪Copy !req
238. ♪ Praising all dayCopy !req
239. Heavens to Betsy,Copy !req
240. I've invented the praying machine!Copy !req
241. Oh my stars and garters!Copy !req
242. Damn them, lord!Copy !req
243. No, lord, don't do it.Copy !req
244. It's just what they want.Copy !req
245. ♪ Baa, baa, black sheep,
have you any hate ♪Copy !req
246. ♪ yes, I, yes, I, sealed my fate ♪Copy !req
247. ♪ baa, baa, black sheep ♪Copy !req
248. Wow, that's me, Marilyn Monster.Copy !req
249. Hi, I'm Larry Turnour.Copy !req
250. You know, when I first created Marilyn,Copy !req
251. I had no idea that people
all over the worldCopy !req
252. would fall in love with Marilyn.
I was just an angry teenager.Copy !req
253. Who knew?Copy !req
254. That's why I createdCopy !req
255. Marilyn Mozzarella's
Pizzarella Pie Parlour.Copy !req
256. So, if you're watching this
training tape, congratulations,Copy !req
257. you're now a Marilyn
Mozzarella fun-ployee.Copy !req
258. Marilyn Mozzarella employees are fun,Copy !req
259. rebellious extroverts
who make their own rules.Copy !req
260. Uh-oh, look at forgetful Fred, here.Copy !req
261. He forgot his evil zombie-eye
contact lenses at home.Copy !req
262. That means a red card warning.Copy !req
263. Two red card warnings means
an automatic write-up.Copy !req
264. But that's all right,
we'll get to that later.Copy !req
265. For now, let's get to fun.Copy !req
266. Fred is now servingCopy !req
267. one of our delicious
deep dish specialties.Copy !req
268. And remember the
other rule number one...Copy !req
269. "Be nice! Serve the first slice."Copy !req
270. Mmm.Copy !req
271. Whoa, Fred!Copy !req
272. When will he ever learn.Copy !req
273. When serving the first
slice of pizza, remember:Copy !req
274. The first slice you serve is
determined by the placement ofCopy !req
275. the female furthest from
the left of your serving arm.Copy !req
276. Now, if she is northerly
to the nearest fire exit,Copy !req
277. the fourth slice clockwise
is the first to be served.Copy !req
278. If there are no female customers,Copy !req
279. then remember, always start at 7:00Copy !req
280. not five! Oh, Fred!Copy !req
281. If you forget, a manager
will be happy to remind you,Copy !req
282. by issuing a green,
level two punishment, like:Copy !req
283. The bloody diapers.Copy !req
284. Alright, relax, Fred, it gets easier.Copy !req
285. Well, that's it.Copy !req
286. That's all there is to it.Copy !req
287. Now go out there and have yourselfCopy !req
288. a wild and unconventional good time.Copy !req
289. And remember, at least
27% of your beverage salesCopy !req
290. must consist of alcoholic
blended call drinks.Copy !req
291. And remember the 16 Ps to success:Copy !req
292. Poise, personality, professionalism,Copy !req
293. a positive mental attitude,
impress the customer,Copy !req
294. primp always, positivity,Copy !req
295. please don't flush sanitary
towels down the toilet,Copy !req
296. freeze plenty of ice, placate, posture,Copy !req
297. pomp and circumstance,Copy !req
298. pterodactyls, good
dinosaurs to mention to kids,Copy !req
299. patriotism, pepper and professionalism.Copy !req
300. Well, that's it.Copy !req
301. That's all there is to it.Copy !req
302. Now go out and have a good time.Copy !req
303. Oh, but don't forget to break some rules.Copy !req
304. But don't break any rules.Copy !req
305. Marilyn, they're all ready for you.Copy !req
306. Hey, thanks, Jimmy.Copy !req
307. Well, they're playing my song.Copy !req
308. So, good luck, and see ya in hell.Copy !req
309. ElectrocutionCopy !req
310. alright, Carl, you got
your pardon. You can go.Copy !req
311. Okay, you're done
with that. Throw it away.Copy !req
312. And pull out now.Copy !req
313. All right, folks, bar's closing.Copy !req
314. Let's move it out.Copy !req
315. I'm glad you made it down.Copy !req
316. These guys, too. Take it easy.Copy !req
317. Hey. Hey!Copy !req
318. It's cool running into
you after so long, man.Copy !req
319. Yeah, you too, man.Copy !req
320. Hey, I hope it's not another five yearsCopy !req
321. before we run into each other again.Copy !req
322. Right, man, me too, yeah, you take care.Copy !req
323. You too, all right?Copy !req
324. I will, man. All right.Copy !req
325. Yeah, cool, buddy.Copy !req
326. So are you... Yeah, me too, this way.Copy !req
327. Well, this is it.Copy !req
328. Oh well, all right.Copy !req
329. It was great seeing you again, man.Copy !req
330. You too, buddy. Take care.Copy !req
331. Yeah, goodbye.Copy !req
332. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
333. Goodbye, man.Copy !req
334. You know it.Copy !req
335. Wow, it has been a treat.Copy !req
336. Yeah, it sure has been.Copy !req
337. Well, you take it easy again.Copy !req
338. You, too.Copy !req
339. You, too.Copy !req
340. Where is the elevator?Copy !req
341. Stairs for me! I need the exercise.Copy !req
342. Hey, you need a hand?Copy !req
343. No, it's just that it... Goddammit!Copy !req
344. Got it.Copy !req
345. All right, well, cool.Copy !req
346. Hey, it's been a blast, you know?Copy !req
347. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
348. Goodbye.Copy !req
349. All right, yeah, yeah, man, okay.Copy !req
350. All right. Right back at ya.Copy !req
351. Hey, you know, I hope it's
not another, five years before...Copy !req
352. There he is.Copy !req
353. Yeah, look at this.Copy !req
354. I just need to get some... Wait.Copy !req
355. You know what? I have
a candy bar at home.Copy !req
356. So.Copy !req
357. I don't need... I'm just gonna take off.Copy !req
358. Great. All right.Copy !req
359. Hey!Copy !req
360. Hey!Copy !req
361. What are you doin'?
What are you doing here?Copy !req
362. Getting some cigarettes.Copy !req
363. Where is he?Copy !req
364. Where is.Copy !req
365. I don't know where he lives, okay!Copy !req
366. I just don't know!Copy !req
367. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.Copy !req
368. I'm gonna call the police right now.Copy !req
369. No!Copy !req
370. Buddy!Copy !req
371. Buddy, no!Copy !req
372. No!Copy !req
373. Oh, god, no!Copy !req
374. I never got the chance to say goodbye.Copy !req
375. I did.Copy !req
376. A lot.Copy !req
377. A lot.Copy !req
378. Carl, you motherfucker!Copy !req
379. Larry.Copy !req
380. I know about the whole thing.Copy !req
381. You've been fucking my wife.Copy !req
382. Those two asshole performersCopy !req
383. at the motivational
weekend told everyone!Copy !req
384. We didn't do it for fun, I swear.Copy !req
385. Listen, we were making
amateur porn films. I swear it.Copy !req
386. Oh, my god!Copy !req
387. It wasn't just the two of US. There
were a whole bunch of people.Copy !req
388. Your sister, my son, your dog.Copy !req
389. That's it, you're dead!Copy !req
390. Hey, Mr. Peters, is there a problem?Copy !req
391. Hi.Copy !req
392. This piece of shit has
been filming him and his sonCopy !req
393. having sex with my wife and my dog.Copy !req
394. He has?Copy !req
395. Wait, I can explain. Shut up!Copy !req
396. Are you taking credit for my work?Copy !req
397. No, he doesn't knowCopy !req
398. I directed those videos.
You merely starred in them.Copy !req
399. You asshole!Copy !req
400. Yeah, he is an asshole.Copy !req
401. And who arranged for the
international rights to be sold, huh?Copy !req
402. And dubbed them in his basement?Copy !req
403. Thousands of 'em
hand-mailed around the world.Copy !req
404. You didn't!Copy !req
405. No, no, I didn't, who did it, Carl?Copy !req
406. Todd.Copy !req
407. Todd, that's right. He worked like a dog.Copy !req
408. Hey, guys.Copy !req
409. Todd.Copy !req
410. You bastard!Copy !req
411. You mailed tapes of my wife
having sex all over the world?Copy !req
412. No!Copy !req
413. I mailed tapes of your wife
having sex with CarlCopy !req
414. in your bedroom, right here in town.Copy !req
415. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
416. Wait a minute, that
gives me an idea. What if?Copy !req
417. What if what?Copy !req
418. Well, what if we filmed you
having sex with his wifeCopy !req
419. in different places, all over the world?Copy !req
420. You son of a bitch!Copy !req
421. No, no, no, don't shoot it down
so quick, people might like it.Copy !req
422. It's sort of an upscale series
of travelogue-type pornos.Copy !req
423. You fuckers! You pricks!Copy !req
424. You're tryin' to cut me out.
You know I don't want to travel.Copy !req
425. I said you want me to act in
these porns, fine. But no travel!Copy !req
426. Drop it!Copy !req
427. Drop it, drop it, that's a good
idea. We do it with backdrops.Copy !req
428. Green screen, special effects.Copy !req
429. I never have to leave town.Copy !req
430. But it'll look like you're fucking
my wife all over the world!Copy !req
431. Right. Exactly.Copy !req
432. All right, gang, thanks very much.Copy !req
433. Scene is over and let's
roll those credits, please.Copy !req
434. All right, that's it.Copy !req
435. Season's over.Copy !req
436. Beat it.Copy !req