1. - [Voiceover] Mystery
Science Theater, 3000,Copy !req
2. show 422, 301.Copy !req
3. ♫ In the not-too-distant futureCopy !req
4. ♫ Next Sunday, A.DCopy !req
5. ♫ There was a guy named JoelCopy !req
6. ♫ Not too different from you or meCopy !req
7. ♫ He worked at Gizmonic InstituteCopy !req
8. ♫ Just another face in a red jumpsuitCopy !req
9. ♫ He did a good job cleaning up the placeCopy !req
10. ♫ But his bosses didn't like himCopy !req
11. ♫ So they shot him into spaceCopy !req
12. ♫ We'll send him cheesy moviesCopy !req
13. ♫ The worst we can findCopy !req
14. ♫ La la laCopy !req
15. ♫ He'll have to sit and watch them allCopy !req
16. ♫ And we'll monitor his mindCopy !req
17. ♫ Now keep in mind, Joel can't controlCopy !req
18. ♫ Where the movies begin or endCopy !req
19. ♫ Because he used those special partsCopy !req
20. ♫ To make his robot friendsCopy !req
21. ♫ Robot roll call, alright, let's goCopy !req
22. ♫ Cambot, pan leftCopy !req
23. ♫ Gyspy, hi girlCopy !req
24. ♫ Tom Servo, what a cool guyCopy !req
25. ♫ Crow, he's a wisecrackerCopy !req
26. ♫ If you're wondering
how he eats and breathesCopy !req
27. ♫ And other science factsCopy !req
28. ♫ La la laCopy !req
29. ♫ Then repeat to
yourself, it's just a showCopy !req
30. ♫ I should really just relaxCopy !req
31. ♫ For Mystery Science Theater 3000)Copy !req
32. (doors whirring shut)Copy !req
33. - [Joel] Alright, F-stop at 5.6Copy !req
34. for maximum depth of field.Copy !req
35. Okay, that looks good.Copy !req
36. Okay, 5.6, and let's see here, eight feet.Copy !req
37. (robots chattering)Copy !req
38. That comes to roughly an ASA of 200.Copy !req
39. Okay, adjust lighting to
full lumens in a cone.Copy !req
40. Focus, that looks good.Copy !req
41. Okay.Copy !req
42. Bring around the backdrops,
stay cheery, everybody!Copy !req
43. Okay, hi, everybody, welcome
to the satellite, hello.Copy !req
44. I'm Joel Robinson, and I
just thought it would be niceCopy !req
45. to get a nice picture of the
boys to have around the house,Copy !req
46. so I'm taking their portrait,Copy !req
47. and I'll be with you in a minute.Copy !req
48. - Could we just go, please?Copy !req
49. - Booger!Copy !req
50. - Stop it, you two!Copy !req
51. They were like this all the way over!Copy !req
52. - You guys, listen.
(Tom hacking up phlegm)Copy !req
53. - Cut it out, fem-bot!Copy !req
54. - We are going to get
- [Crow] Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
55. a nice picture of this
family if it kills us.Copy !req
56. Crow.Copy !req
57. - Hey.Copy !req
58. What?Copy !req
59. - Crow, where are those
nice pants I bought you?Copy !req
60. - I don't know.Copy !req
61. - You can't walk around
wearing a sport coatCopy !req
62. without your nice pants!Copy !req
63. - Can we just go!Copy !req
64. - [Voiceover] Commercial
side in 10 seconds.Copy !req
65. Say cheese!Copy !req
66. Okay, now.Copy !req
67. Now, come on, you guys.Copy !req
68. Shape up, face Cambot.Copy !req
69. Come on, Gypsy, get in here.Copy !req
70. - Oh, my hair!Copy !req
71. - [Voiceover] Hold it.Copy !req
72. - Where's the light meter, Joel?Copy !req
73. - Oh!Copy !req
74. (camera clicks)Copy !req
75. (everyone groaning and laughing)Copy !req
76. (techno music)Copy !req
77. (robots making annoying noises)Copy !req
78. - Joel!Copy !req
79. - Oh, snicker snack!Copy !req
80. - Joel!Copy !req
81. - Hey.Copy !req
82. - Joel!
- [Crow] Chocolate milker!Copy !req
83. - Joel!
- [Joel] You guys,Copy !req
84. would you please get back into position?Copy !req
85. Come on, knock it off!
(robots tussling)Copy !req
86. Gypsy, come on, speed
in chim-chimmer carts.Copy !req
87. Stop it!Copy !req
88. - Okay, thanks a lot!Copy !req
89. Sorry about the tip, I
left the money in my other,Copy !req
90. uh, pocket.Copy !req
91. Oh! Hi Joel!Copy !req
92. How you doing?Copy !req
93. We'll be with you in one second.Copy !req
94. Clayton!Copy !req
95. Here boy!
(kissing noises)Copy !req
96. Come here, Clayton, here, boy!Copy !req
97. Here, Clayton, here.Copy !req
98. - Give me one good reason
(man yelps)Copy !req
99. why I shouldn't kill you, Frank.Copy !req
100. - Well, the stuff is here.Copy !req
101. - Ah!Copy !req
102. - The stuff, that we ordered.Copy !req
103. - Just in time for the invention exchange.Copy !req
104. Uh, you go first, pumpkin pants.Copy !req
105. - Well, your ample ones,
(robots bickering)Copy !req
106. my invention exchange this weekCopy !req
107. dynamically blends martial
arts with snacking!Copy !req
108. It's called Snacktion,
and it makes snacking fun!Copy !req
109. Here's a Snacktion
favorite, the Wax Knuckles!Copy !req
110. Alright.Copy !req
111. And here's one, it's called a Pixie Staff.Copy !req
112. Oh! Huh!Copy !req
113. It's a pixie stick, filled
with delicious straight sugar.Copy !req
114. See?Copy !req
115. Okay, and, uh,Copy !req
116. Hey, Crow!Copy !req
117. Hey, Crow.Copy !req
118. What are these, what are these here?Copy !req
119. What are these?
- [Crow] What?Copy !req
120. What are which ones?Copy !req
121. - What are these?Copy !req
122. - Oh, them are the Five
Lady Fingers of Death!Copy !req
123. (robots fighting)Copy !req
124. - Mmm.Copy !req
125. Five Lady Fingers of Death, you get it?Copy !req
126. And this is based on a Chuck Norris movie,Copy !req
127. it's called the Everlasting
Octa-gomp-stomper.Copy !req
128. You get it?Copy !req
129. Oh, and these are ninjaCopy !req
130. throwing cookies.Copy !req
131. - [Tom] Oh!Copy !req
132. Hey, those are delicious!Copy !req
133. - You see everybody
doesn't like something,Copy !req
134. but nobody doesn't like Bruce Lee!Copy !req
135. Ouch!Copy !req
136. - Oh.Copy !req
137. I broke him.Copy !req
138. - Oh, well, that's really great Joel,Copy !req
139. but we've got something going down hereCopy !req
140. that's really special.Copy !req
141. Tell 'em, Frank.Copy !req
142. - Well, Dr. Forrester has
taken the money from my 401kCopy !req
143. and sunk it into these
fast-food novelty items,Copy !req
144. which he's just sold
to a major, major buyerCopy !req
145. who shall remain nameless.Copy !req
146. - Well, actually that fell through,Copy !req
147. but I'm sure they're going to sell.Copy !req
148. You see, Joel, they're
called Unhappy Meals.Copy !req
149. - You took my money and
you haven't sold them yet?Copy !req
150. - Oh, quit whining, Frank.Copy !req
151. As an example, Joel, this
one comes from the restaurantCopy !req
152. with a cold hamburger sandwich
with a bite taken out of it.Copy !req
153. (laughing)Copy !req
154. Some floor-sweeping compound,Copy !req
155. a couple of dead silverfish,Copy !req
156. and a rusty suture needle.Copy !req
157. - You took all my money, you son of a...Copy !req
158. - Watch it, Frank!Copy !req
159. Now, there are many
different styles, Joel.Copy !req
160. Uh, for instance, this
one comes with a maze,Copy !req
161. and you try to get the motorcade
past the book depository.Copy !req
162. And then, this one comes
with a, uh, used Q-tip.Copy !req
163. Oh, that is unhappy, isn't it?Copy !req
164. And then there's one with a roach motel,Copy !req
165. and, well, you get the idea.Copy !req
166. Whaddya think?Copy !req
167. - I think it's evil and it'll never sell.Copy !req
168. - Yeah, give Frank his money back!Copy !req
169. - Yeah!Copy !req
170. - Oh, blow it out your ex-perimentCopy !req
171. today is a Swedish fantasy called,Copy !req
172. The Day the Earth Froze.Copy !req
173. But first, a short, aptly titled,Copy !req
174. Here Comes the Circus!Copy !req
175. And I hope it goes down hard.Copy !req
176. Push the button, Frank.Copy !req
177. - No, I want my money back!Copy !req
178. - Forceps, Frank. Pain.Copy !req
179. - I don't care, I want my money!Copy !req
180. - Electroshock, Frank!Copy !req
181. - No!Copy !req
182. - Push the button!
- [Frank] No!Copy !req
183. - The box, Frank!Copy !req
184. - Pushing the button.
- [Larry] I'll put you...Copy !req
185. That's better.Copy !req
186. (siren buzzing)Copy !req
187. - We've got movies!Copy !req
188. - [All] Aaah!Copy !req
189. (doors clanging open)Copy !req
190. - Oh, owie.Copy !req
191. - I think you broke my toe.Copy !req
192. - Here comes the Devil! Hahaha!Copy !req
193. - Beelzebub the clown!Copy !req
194. - Guys, can we be just a little less darkCopy !req
195. with this short, okay?Copy !req
196. - Dark?Copy !req
197. - [Voiceover] There's
excitement everywhere!Copy !req
198. The circus is here!Copy !req
199. Everyone is headed for the big top,Copy !req
200. to thrill, boo, and cheer the fun-makers,Copy !req
201. daredevils, freaks, and
ferocious performing animals!Copy !req
202. - And here come the freaks now!Copy !req
203. Look at 'em, oh!Copy !req
204. - [Voiceover] It's a dime for some candyCopy !req
205. and maybe a tummyache, tomorrow.Copy !req
206. - Num-num-num-num-num!Copy !req
207. - [All] Chug it, chug it, chug it!Copy !req
208. - [Voiceover] Peanuts for the elephants.Copy !req
209. Now, folks, step right this wayCopy !req
210. to the bigger, better,
more exciting sideshow!Copy !req
211. - Now here's a deal.Copy !req
212. Just four years, Christmas present comin'.Copy !req
213. - [Voiceover] There's plenty
of time to see it all!Copy !req
214. - Get your red hot moms!Copy !req
215. - [Voiceover] Your attention,
please, to the lovelyCopy !req
216. little lady on my right!Copy !req
217. - She performs her own tracheotomy!Copy !req
218. - [Voiceover] She swallows
a lighted neon tube!Copy !req
219. - And she's cute, too!Copy !req
220. Heh, ooh!Copy !req
221. - [Voiceover] The snake
charmer extraordinary!Copy !req
222. On the inside...Copy !req
223. - What the hell?Copy !req
224. - [Voiceover] The event that
the kids and the grown-upsCopy !req
225. have been waiting for for months!Copy !req
226. - Nobody's gonna tell a Navy manCopy !req
227. when he's had enough to drink.Copy !req
228. - [Voiceover] Old Brother
Circus proudly presentsCopy !req
229. the magnificent and
gorgeous inaugural pageant!Copy !req
230. - Oh, look, it's Thomas Edison
with his electric child!Copy !req
231. - [Voiceover] And Americana!Copy !req
232. (trumpets)Copy !req
233. - Support is drummed up for
the Spanish American War!Copy !req
234. - Hey, wait a minute,Copy !req
235. Aren't the horses supposed
to go behind the band?Copy !req
236. - Oops!Copy !req
237. - Now make way for the Klu Klux Clowns!Copy !req
238. Whoo!Copy !req
239. - Yes, children of all ages
are confronted by forcesCopy !req
240. they can't begin to understand!Copy !req
241. - Sig Heil!Copy !req
242. - Please, guys, you're too dark,Copy !req
243. would you lighten up?Copy !req
244. - How bout this, hey look!Copy !req
245. It's Roma Clanahead!Copy !req
246. - Okay, there, that's...Copy !req
247. - It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown!Copy !req
248. No buttons.Copy !req
249. - Look, it's ice princess zebra!Copy !req
250. (Crow fake laughs)Copy !req
251. Ah, I like that.Copy !req
252. - Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.Copy !req
253. - Oh, that's good!Copy !req
254. - No, it really is!Copy !req
255. - Whatever, Joel.Copy !req
256. (robots humming along to fanfare)Copy !req
257. - [All] Aah!Copy !req
258. - Geez.Copy !req
259. - [Voiceover] Empress of
clowns, champion funmaker,Copy !req
260. - [All] Aah!Copy !req
261. - It's Liza!Copy !req
262. (voiceover continues faintly)Copy !req
263. - [All] No!Copy !req
264. - Razor, no!Copy !req
265. - [Voiceover] Aided by
the world-famous funny,Copy !req
266. Emmett Kelly.Copy !req
267. - See?Copy !req
268. Emmett changed management soon after this.Copy !req
269. - Oh, we love it when he eats!Copy !req
270. - [Voiceover] Introducing Miss Betty Rich,Copy !req
271. queen of the air, in a sensational displayCopy !req
272. of breath-taking aerial feats!Copy !req
273. Without the net below,Copy !req
274. the first time in America,Copy !req
275. Miss Betty Rich!Copy !req
276. - Will someone give me a hand here?Copy !req
277. - Ooh! Betty got back!Copy !req
278. - I'll say!Copy !req
279. - It's a living...Copy !req
280. - Mother, please come home!Copy !req
281. - Yes, our Betty swings both ways!Copy !req
282. - Oh, stop it.Copy !req
283. - She does, look!Copy !req
284. - Listen, you hit the
floor a couple of times,Copy !req
285. you make sure you get it right.Copy !req
286. - There.Copy !req
287. - Ooh!Copy !req
288. - This takes care of unwanted
hair in the bikini area.Copy !req
289. - Oh, oh, oh, oh!Copy !req
290. - Oh, oh, oh, little sting!Copy !req
291. - Oh, do that again!Copy !req
292. - Ah, they take a licking,
and keep on kicking!Copy !req
293. - Women that love too much,Copy !req
294. and the feet that use them!Copy !req
295. - This one's on the rebound!Copy !req
296. - [Voiceover] And now, the only girl to doCopy !req
297. a complete somersault, too high,Copy !req
298. to the feat of the balancer.Copy !req
299. - This act was outlawed
on several continents!Copy !req
300. - Yes, it's the man who
mistook his wife for a hat!Copy !req
301. - Hi, Rick!Copy !req
302. - Sarah.Copy !req
303. - Flipped her off.Copy !req
304. - Sorry, Wayne, this
is for the ladies only!Copy !req
305. - [Voiceover] The
celebrated Ryfenoff troupe,Copy !req
306. bareback-riding marvels
whose equals do not exist!Copy !req
307. Base and beauty of equestrianism!Copy !req
308. - Turn your head if you're squeamish!Copy !req
309. - Yes, this act embodies
the sadness that is circus.Copy !req
310. - That is too dark, Tom, stop.Copy !req
311. - What? Sorry.Copy !req
312. What, what?Copy !req
313. - Is all he does is eat?Copy !req
314. - It's fun, he's good at it.Copy !req
315. - What?Copy !req
316. - [Voiceover] The beautiful
bareback riding ballerina,Copy !req
317. Miss Lucy!Copy !req
318. - Could not be with us tonight,Copy !req
319. so we have this act.Copy !req
320. - You're next up there!Copy !req
321. - [Voiceover] And now, ladies
and gentleman, we presentCopy !req
322. - Woo!Copy !req
323. Ooh, hoho, ho ha ha!Copy !req
324. Whoo! Oh!Copy !req
325. Whoo! Huh haha!Copy !req
326. Whoo!Copy !req
327. Whoo!Copy !req
328. - I thought there was another bar!Copy !req
329. - Oh!Copy !req
330. - [Voiceover] Here come
the comics of the air,Copy !req
331. adventurers and hilarious featsCopy !req
332. high above the sand bar!Copy !req
333. - Store this image away
for a later nightmare!Copy !req
334. - I invented that move.Copy !req
335. - Yeah right.Copy !req
336. - Levi's loose-fitting clown jeans.Copy !req
337. - Huh?Copy !req
338. - Oh, no, no, no!Copy !req
339. They're doing it clown style!Copy !req
340. No!Copy !req
341. (Crow laughs)Copy !req
342. - And Madonna thinks she's innovative!Copy !req
343. - Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.Copy !req
344. Oh, no.Copy !req
345. - More, more, I'm a bad clown!Copy !req
346. - Yes, children's windows
of perception are openedCopy !req
347. for only a second, only
to take in the horrorCopy !req
348. that is the Circus.Copy !req
349. - High above the crowd,Copy !req
350. Dag Hammerskoljd takes to the trapeze!Copy !req
351. - Yes, it's Albert Speer
nude, donning a dance belts!Copy !req
352. - Ooh!Copy !req
353. - Thank you, Albert.
- [Crow] Woah!Copy !req
354. - [Voiceover] In the center ring,Copy !req
355. the only group of Pamolino
liberty horses in the world!Copy !req
356. Trained and presented by Adolph Del BasCopy !req
357. - We won't linger on this one, folks!Copy !req
358. There's not much to it, really.Copy !req
359. - Did you remember to punch in, Ed?Copy !req
360. - Neigh!Copy !req
361. - Oop, that is Siegfried!Copy !req
362. - Over here, Roy!Copy !req
363. - Hello, Siegfried!Copy !req
364. - Hello, Roy!Copy !req
365. - Ya, ya!Copy !req
366. - This is a Freudian dream!Copy !req
367. - Hey, kibble's brought in.Copy !req
368. - Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you got a horse.Copy !req
369. Well, it's not really a
horse, it's more of a...Copy !req
370. - Oh, fellas, this is just wrong.Copy !req
371. - [Voiceover] On the Hippodrome track,Copy !req
372. high-jumping horses!Copy !req
373. - Oooh!Copy !req
374. (Crow laughs)Copy !req
375. - And Emmett Kelly's still eating!Copy !req
376. - And it's still funny!Copy !req
377. Oh-ho-ho-ho!Copy !req
378. - [Voiceover] And now,
the most daring riderCopy !req
379. in all the world, Miss Dorothy Herbert,Copy !req
380. blindfolded over a barrier of fire!Copy !req
381. - Oh, it's Blackened
Beauty, the Cajun horse!Copy !req
382. - Hey, C. Everett Kook!Copy !req
383. (robots humming)Copy !req
384. - [Voiceover] Presenting Abhab and FreddyCopy !req
385. for the funniest prize
fight in circus history!Copy !req
386. - Bing Crosby's relationship
with his son GaryCopy !req
387. is re-enacted!Copy !req
388. - Hohoho, let the nightmare begin!Copy !req
389. - This is the strangest debate
format I have ever seen.Copy !req
390. - You know, don't laugh, but in a way,Copy !req
391. this is this town's passion play.Copy !req
392. - Oh.Copy !req
393. It's a full-contact Who's
Afraid of Virginia Woolf!Copy !req
394. - Don't talk about our clown, Martha.Copy !req
395. - Kitties!Copy !req
396. - Meow.
- [Voiceover] And now,Copy !req
397. Sly Petey, the most fearless
man in all the world!Copy !req
398. Alone in a cage with a herd
of man-eating African lions!Copy !req
399. The greatest wild animal
trainer of all time!Copy !req
400. - Is not here!Copy !req
401. - [Voiceover] For the
most ferocious of allCopy !req
402. jungle-bred animals!Copy !req
403. - John Tuturro?Copy !req
404. - Stella!Copy !req
405. - [Voiceover] The Six Flying Brothers,Copy !req
406. daring to dare marvels
high over the center ring!Copy !req
407. A proof of absolutely
fearless and unrivaledCopy !req
408. - Looks like an ant farm.Copy !req
409. - [Voiceover] Writhe
through the air performingCopy !req
410. spectacular and hazardous feats!Copy !req
411. - I know, you're not gonna
complete fifth-grade gymCopy !req
412. without doing this, right?Copy !req
413. - Come on, lemme hit you on the butt!Copy !req
414. - No!Copy !req
415. - How 'bout just a light tap?Copy !req
416. - Uh-uh, not now!Copy !req
417. - Oh, come on, please, right now!Copy !req
418. - Well later.Copy !req
419. (robots bickering)Copy !req
420. - You're ruining it for me!Copy !req
421. - Stop it.Copy !req
422. - What?Copy !req
423. - What?Copy !req
424. - Sorry.Copy !req
425. - Pass the word, Ed's been
hitting the bottle today!Copy !req
426. - Oh, like that's a big improvementCopy !req
427. over what we've been doing.Copy !req
428. - Party in Susan's dressing room!Copy !req
429. - Already in Sarah's dressing room, pass.Copy !req
430. - Uh-oh!Copy !req
431. - [Voiceover] Miss Jean Ellen,Copy !req
432. with a herd of ponderous pacoderms!Copy !req
433. - Speed Elm?Copy !req
434. - [Voiceover] Their
trunks full of new tricks!Copy !req
435. - A rogue elephant snaps its
tether and kills a coolie!Copy !req
436. - Now who's getting dark?Copy !req
437. - I like it!Copy !req
438. - I'm taking this elephant
for a test drive, ooh-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
439. - Three elephants and a little lady.Copy !req
440. - [Voiceover] The circus
with its thrills, fun,Copy !req
441. sawdust and spangles, brings
joy and merriment to everyone!Copy !req
442. - But me.Copy !req
443. - [Voiceover] Here Comes
the Circus is alwaysCopy !req
444. a memorable event.Copy !req
445. A truly great and carefree day for all,Copy !req
446. from six to 60!Copy !req
447. - Do you think she's
working for peanuts too?Copy !req
448. (all laugh)Copy !req
449. - Oh, she enjoys this a little too much.Copy !req
450. - Um, don't blow any water right now!Copy !req
451. - Oh, my favorite part of the circus.Copy !req
452. (techno music)Copy !req
453. - Oh, wait a minute,Copy !req
454. how can something be
American and international?Copy !req
455. - Let's watch and find out, shall we?Copy !req
456. - Oh, cripes, I remember that day.Copy !req
457. - Oh yeah, you've gotta dress for it.Copy !req
458. - Oh, ya hey, the temperature
got all the way downCopy !req
459. to about 14 below zero!Copy !req
460. - You don't know the half of it!Copy !req
461. - No, Pearl had to jumpstart
the Chevy that day.Copy !req
462. - Oh, ya hey, the snow was yay high,Copy !req
463. and you'd come up the
back way after, ya know?Copy !req
464. - Course I don't know nothing about that.Copy !req
465. - Oh, no.Copy !req
466. - Then we seen where all
the schools was closed.Copy !req
467. - Oh, yeah.Copy !req
468. - Course the kids enjoyed that
part, that was real, yeah.Copy !req
469. (everyone agreeing)Copy !req
470. - It was just like the winter of '75,Copy !req
471. when it got down to 30 below.Copy !req
472. - Oh, yeah, but when you
consider the windshield,Copy !req
473. you know, when it's about 100 below.Copy !req
474. - Yeah, and you know, it
was a good thing I hadCopy !req
475. the snowmobile suit for to run
over by Evelynn's house here.Copy !req
476. - Oh, sure, yup, yup.Copy !req
477. - It was just so ding-dang cold,Copy !req
478. I'd go outside, the stuff in
my nose'd just freeze right up.Copy !req
479. (laughing)Copy !req
480. - Ah, the standup movie in sketch.Copy !req
481. - [Voiceover] Throughout
history, people have listenedCopy !req
482. to the storyteller.Copy !req
483. - Against their will.Copy !req
484. - [Voiceover] Men who could
fashion myths and fairytales,Copy !req
485. make them live for his mysteries.Copy !req
486. - Sid and Marty Croft?Copy !req
487. - [Voiceover] Such men
were the Brothers GrimmCopy !req
488. - in Germany.
- [Tom] Oh.Copy !req
489. - [Voiceover] Hans Christian
Andersen in Denmark,Copy !req
490. and such a man was Elias
Lonnrot in Finland.Copy !req
491. - Here he is on vacation.Copy !req
492. - [Voiceover] He wrote the
story you are about to see.Copy !req
493. - [All] Ah!Copy !req
494. - [Voiceover] Long ago,
- [Joel] They're golem!Copy !req
495. - [Voiceover] in a faraway
place called Kalevala,Copy !req
496. there was a village of fisherman.Copy !req
497. The land they lived in
was large and beautiful.Copy !req
498. - As were the women.Copy !req
499. - [Voiceover] It was blessed
with the great riversCopy !req
500. filled with fish.Copy !req
501. Wonderful forests with tall trees,Copy !req
502. - And pollution from the
nearby paper processing plant!Copy !req
503. - [Voiceover] And the
people toiled very hard,Copy !req
504. - Hey, this is hard!Copy !req
505. - [Voiceover] For they had been promisedCopy !req
506. that if they worked
the Earth and the seas,Copy !req
507. - Bye, Grandma!Copy !req
508. - [Voiceover] one day they
would be given as their reward,Copy !req
509. - It's a documentary?Copy !req
510. - I'm here for the
Prince Valiant auditions.Copy !req
511. (Joel sings)Copy !req
512. - One, two, three,Copy !req
513. I can't fall asleep countin' those guys!Copy !req
514. - They're goats!Copy !req
515. - Oh!Copy !req
516. - [Voiceover] And salt.Copy !req
517. Such was the magic of the Sampo.Copy !req
518. - What?Copy !req
519. - [Voiceover] Now it so
happened that the IlmarinenCopy !req
520. had a beautiful sister named Annikki.Copy !req
521. - She was tender and young,
- [Joel] Annikki in the U.K.?Copy !req
522. and spent her days happilyCopy !req
523. - wandering in the forest.
- [Crow] Your mother isCopy !req
524. long dead.Copy !req
525. - [Voiceover] All the
people of the villageCopy !req
526. loved her dearly,Copy !req
527. - Hey, there's Burt
Lancaster, Walter Pidgeon,Copy !req
528. Robin Givens!Copy !req
529. - Chickarea!Copy !req
530. - [Voiceover] That would be
sign, that the time had come.Copy !req
531. - For democracy!Copy !req
532. - [Voiceover] That Sampo was to be born.Copy !req
533. - Escape to Wisconsin.Copy !req
534. - Ever since Annikki had
become a young woman,Copy !req
535. she remained by herself,Copy !req
536. and refused the attention of any young manCopy !req
537. who brazenly thought he might seize her.Copy !req
538. - Look at that! It looks
like Penny Marshall!Copy !req
539. - [Voiceover] One man she had never met.Copy !req
540. - Gary Big Nerd!Copy !req
541. - [Voiceover] He lived deep in the forest.Copy !req
542. His name was Lemminkainen.Copy !req
543. - Wine, Lemminkainen.Copy !req
544. - [Voiceover] He was a woodsman.Copy !req
545. He was young, and simple.Copy !req
546. - And practiced
slash-and-burn agriculture.Copy !req
547. - [Voiceover] He worked hard,Copy !req
548. - [All] Woah!Copy !req
549. - [Voiceover] but was
never noticed at all.Copy !req
550. But there was something about himCopy !req
551. that would someday, sooner
than you would think,Copy !req
552. - Oh, there goes the last spotted owl.Copy !req
553. - [Voiceover] save the
village from the mostCopy !req
554. horrible, cruel misfortune
it would ever know.Copy !req
555. - The Reagan-Bush administration.Copy !req
556. - [Voiceover] For these
good people did not realizeCopy !req
557. that all the time they worked the Earth,Copy !req
558. - Has anyone seen Timmy?Copy !req
559. - Tim, oh no!Copy !req
560. - [Voiceover] A witch
plotted against them.Copy !req
561. - Hey, check it out, it's
Sting, and David Lee Roth,Copy !req
562. and Peter Noonan, Sammy Hagar,
and David Carradine, and,Copy !req
563. Santa?Copy !req
564. - Why don't you use an axe
on your hair, you hippie?Copy !req
565. - For three days, your
mother has not seen you,Copy !req
566. Lemminkainen.Copy !req
567. Go home and take a rest.Copy !req
568. - And take out the garbage,
and help your motherCopy !req
569. clean the garage, for crying out loud!Copy !req
570. - From the land of sky and water...Copy !req
571. - Water!Copy !req
572. Hey, check out my log.Copy !req
573. I got it for graduation.Copy !req
574. - Heh, it's my cigar boat.Copy !req
575. (all laughing)Copy !req
576. And a river runs through us.Copy !req
577. - Yes.Copy !req
578. - Hey, get me, I'm making
an Mountain Dew ad!Copy !req
579. - Let's go surfing now,
even Sven's learning how,Copy !req
580. - If everybody had a spruce
tree, across Finlandy ya!Copy !req
581. - I wish they all could
be Norwegian girls!Copy !req
582. - Hey, anybody call a cab?Copy !req
583. - The adventures of Fjord Fairlane!Copy !req
584. (all laugh)Copy !req
585. - Uh-oh, rush hour!Copy !req
586. - Now, wait a minute,
let me get this straight.Copy !req
587. Abba's gonna pay me to surf?Copy !req
588. - John Houston's The African Log.Copy !req
589. - White hunter, black heart.Copy !req
590. - Damn, crazy Swede!Copy !req
591. - Ancient Swedish secret, huh?Copy !req
592. - My baby takes, huh?Copy !req
593. Wow, look at that laundry!Copy !req
594. - Ah, hahahaha, ha.Copy !req
595. - Hey, I'm gonna go play
mini-golf at Cross Lake,Copy !req
596. you wanna go?Copy !req
597. - She's washing her Christo!Copy !req
598. - Don't walk on my laundry, Steve.Copy !req
599. - Yes, may I help you?Copy !req
600. - Whose gold is that?Copy !req
601. - Mine.Copy !req
602. - [Leninkainen] Could this be the daughterCopy !req
603. - of the rosy god?
- [Tom] Agent Mark,Copy !req
604. he's just pulled up in a log!Copy !req
605. - [Lemminkainen] Of the
radiance of the moon?Copy !req
606. - It's not the moon, nor is it the sun!Copy !req
607. I'm just a (indistinct)Copy !req
608. - You can say that again.Copy !req
609. - Annikki is my name!Copy !req
610. - Poker's my game!Copy !req
611. - [Leninkainen] Annikki?Copy !req
612. - I went to school with your brother!Copy !req
613. - Hey, my other log's a redwood!Copy !req
614. She's got a gun!Copy !req
615. - [All] Ah!Copy !req
616. - If you don't like the way I'm driving,Copy !req
617. call 1-800-Bite-Me.Copy !req
618. - Well, it was nice meeting you!Copy !req
619. Lemminkainen, was it?Copy !req
620. (mooing)Copy !req
621. - That was weird.Copy !req
622. - Do you want to be Finnish?Copy !req
623. Sure, we all do.Copy !req
624. - Poppies will make us sleep?Copy !req
625. - They're tulips!Copy !req
626. - Oh.Copy !req
627. (robots ribbiting)Copy !req
628. - Ah yes, my little chickadee!Copy !req
629. - Hey, what's the pecking order here?Copy !req
630. - She's got an amazingly
dull life, doesn't she?Copy !req
631. - Ah, dinner!Copy !req
632. - Oh, no, after you!Copy !req
633. - No, after you, I insist!Copy !req
634. - No, I insist, age before beauty!Copy !req
635. - Pwn!Copy !req
636. - Eh, hello, Boo-Boo! Mmmhmm!Copy !req
637. - John Irving wrote the screenplay.Copy !req
638. - Ilmarinen!Copy !req
639. - Uh, busy!Copy !req
640. - Annikki!Copy !req
641. Sister of mine.Copy !req
642. - You shaved your beard!Copy !req
643. - What's the matter?Copy !req
644. - Oh, my dearest brother!Copy !req
645. His eyes sparkle like the sunlightCopy !req
646. shimmering on the sea foam!Copy !req
647. - Oh, hohoho, aw!Copy !req
648. (doors closing)Copy !req
649. - [Crow] Yes!Copy !req
650. - [Tom] Great!Copy !req
651. And then we swing back
and forth on the high wireCopy !req
652. while furiously spanking each other!Copy !req
653. - Great! I love it, it sings!Copy !req
654. It's got legs, it's got...
- [Tom] Ah, it's magniferous!Copy !req
655. - Alright, listen, you guys, please.Copy !req
656. Remember I said I'd type in your ideasCopy !req
657. for a clown act, alright?Copy !req
658. I find what we're talking about hereCopy !req
659. just a little bit
derivative from what we sawCopy !req
660. the clowns do in the short.Copy !req
661. I think you should think
of your own ideas, okay?Copy !req
662. - Well, we're not paying you to think!Copy !req
663. Just take all those down
as we dictate it, Peggy.Copy !req
664. - Okay, where were we?Copy !req
665. Wait, I've got it!Copy !req
666. We're on a trapeze,Copy !req
667. - Yeah?Copy !req
668. - And you hang,Copy !req
669. from my tongue!Copy !req
670. - While I drive sheet metal
screws into your eyes!Copy !req
671. I love it!Copy !req
672. - It's good, I admit that,Copy !req
673. but maybe we gotta work
more butt in the act.Copy !req
674. - Wait!Copy !req
675. I've got it!Copy !req
676. - Yeah?Copy !req
677. - I grab you and squeeze
you till you hemorrhage.Copy !req
678. - No!Copy !req
679. How about I come out
dressed like a suture,Copy !req
680. you come out dressed as an appendix?Copy !req
681. - Eh, you're a P in appendix,
if you know what I mean.Copy !req
682. - Uh, fellas, can I remind you,Copy !req
683. you're gonna be clowns in a circus.Copy !req
684. There's gonna be kids watching.Copy !req
685. - Can I just remind you to bite me?Copy !req
686. Now, get back to work, Della!Copy !req
687. - Wait!Copy !req
688. I've got a brilliant idea!Copy !req
689. - Okay.Copy !req
690. - This routine starts out normal,Copy !req
691. you and me beating the
crap out of each other.Copy !req
692. - Yeah, yeah.
- [Crow] Then I snap!Copy !req
693. I run into the audience
on a homicidal rampage!Copy !req
694. - Yes!Copy !req
695. Then I appear playing the part of Death!Copy !req
696. Funny Death, of course.Copy !req
697. - Hey, you know what
would be really funny?Copy !req
698. - What would be really funny?Copy !req
699. - If we could somehow
make the audience membersCopy !req
700. question their love for their spouses.Copy !req
701. - Yes, and here's the topper!Copy !req
702. We convince all the kids in the audienceCopy !req
703. that they were adopted!Copy !req
704. - Ah!Copy !req
705. - Alright guys, listen.Copy !req
706. I knew you would take
something like the circusCopy !req
707. and turn it into some
dark carnival of the soul.Copy !req
708. - Listen, Joel, for your information...Copy !req
709. (typewriter clacking)Copy !req
710. - Hey!Copy !req
711. You didn't take down a word we said!Copy !req
712. You had Cambot program a typing effect!Copy !req
713. - You were just toying
with us, weren't you?Copy !req
714. - That's right, and you know why?Copy !req
715. - Why?Copy !req
716. - Because there's a little
bit of the clown in all of us.Copy !req
717. Goodnight, and may God bless.Copy !req
718. - D'oh!Copy !req
719. - Aaah!Copy !req
720. (techno music)Copy !req
721. - Oh, come on, I couldn't resist!Copy !req
722. - This is before unions.Copy !req
723. Let it be a lesson to you!Copy !req
724. - Hey, Tom, could you punch out for me?Copy !req
725. - I'm not going into early retirement!Copy !req
726. - Ron Wood on any given morning.Copy !req
727. - Oh, come for the fire, soul.Copy !req
728. - Come on, a tour's coming through here,Copy !req
729. get to work!Copy !req
730. - How much longer do you expect meCopy !req
731. to put up with your absurd show?Copy !req
732. Can't you make a Sampo?Copy !req
733. You call yourselves wizards?Copy !req
734. - We've done the best, the labor's...Copy !req
735. - Cast him into the viper's pit!Copy !req
736. - Ah, bein' clean, Ma'am.Copy !req
737. - Let the snakes devour him!Copy !req
738. - Can't you just dock me?Copy !req
739. - No, Mistress, I beg of you!Copy !req
740. I know of someone who
will be able to help youCopy !req
741. build your Sampo!Copy !req
742. - [Witch] Who?Copy !req
743. - Murray on third shift!Copy !req
744. - The fortuned blacksmith, Ilmarinen,Copy !req
745. in the land of Kalevala!Copy !req
746. He is the only one who
knows the right way!Copy !req
747. - You!Copy !req
748. Have longed boasted your power
over the secrets of nature!Copy !req
749. I demand that you show me now,Copy !req
750. the face of this Ilmarinen!Copy !req
751. - Mm, let's go check the files, honey.Copy !req
752. - Hehe, don't know what I'd do
without my right-hand troll.Copy !req
753. - Gesundheit, gesundheit, gesundheit.Copy !req
754. - Ilmarinen, come before us.Copy !req
755. Ilmarinen, stand before us.Copy !req
756. - Oh, they're Pentacostal.Copy !req
757. - Ilmarinen, come before us.Copy !req
758. - Ilmarinen, stand before us.
- [Joel] Posture.Copy !req
759. - Stand before us!Copy !req
760. - It's leaking!Copy !req
761. - Ugh!Copy !req
762. - Ilmarinen, stand before us.Copy !req
763. - Ilmarinen, appear!Copy !req
764. - Help me, Obi Wan, you're my only hope.Copy !req
765. - Hey, don't sit so close to the set,Copy !req
766. you'll ruin your eyes.Copy !req
767. - I have fashioned a bracelet for you.Copy !req
768. - It's a padlock!Copy !req
769. - Annikki?Copy !req
770. - No, Precious Moments.Copy !req
771. - And she's Ilmarinen's sister!Copy !req
772. - Oh no way, I thought she
was Joanie Coslack's brother.Copy !req
773. - High ransom will he pay
for his pretty sister.Copy !req
774. - I wonder what kind of name
Lemminkainen is, Italian?Copy !req
775. Irish?Copy !req
776. Lemminkainen, very pretty, haha!Copy !req
777. I made a joke.Copy !req
778. - Go on swift wings to
the land of Kalevala!Copy !req
779. - For one hour, modernising!Copy !req
780. - To the foreign Annikki.Copy !req
781. If you find her alone,
bring her quickly back!Copy !req
782. So that she may become my prisoner!Copy !req
783. - Well she's one sheet to the wind.Copy !req
784. - Wait a minute, I forgot something, oh!Copy !req
785. - Grandma's been talking
to the bedding again.Copy !req
786. - You really get a lot of
use out of a good wool cape.Copy !req
787. - We'll be cruising today at an altitudeCopy !req
788. of about 60 feet or so.Copy !req
789. - Well, let's see now, what did she say?Copy !req
790. Go to something, and get something, uh,Copy !req
791. from, yeah.Copy !req
792. - Please remain seated until the capeCopy !req
793. has come to a complete stop, thank you.Copy !req
794. - Hmm?Copy !req
795. Oh, don't tell me
Hercules is in this movie!Copy !req
796. - Hercules is in this movie.Copy !req
797. - Oh, I asked you not to tell me that!Copy !req
798. - Oh, the cabin boy, the cabin boy,Copy !req
799. the dirty little birdie!Copy !req
800. (hums)Copy !req
801. - Hey, uh, how'd I do that?Copy !req
802. - Boy, kidnapping was
really easy back then!Copy !req
803. - Oh, Popeye!Copy !req
804. - He's large.Copy !req
805. - Dun, dun, dun, huh?Copy !req
806. The hell?Copy !req
807. - There's a roast in the oven!Copy !req
808. I don't know when I'll be back!Copy !req
809. - Oh boy.Copy !req
810. - The secret storm!Copy !req
811. - Da weather started gettin' rough,Copy !req
812. - [Robots] the tiny ship was tossed!Copy !req
813. - There's a flash flood warningCopy !req
814. affecting Stonehenge region!Copy !req
815. - By the pricking of my thumb,Copy !req
816. something goofy this way comes.Copy !req
817. - Come on, doggy.Copy !req
818. - Geez, thanks for the lift!Copy !req
819. - Call the front desk
if you need anything!Copy !req
820. - I got one!Copy !req
821. - Hey, get me, I'm Swedish
and I've got rhythm!Copy !req
822. - I sing whenever I sing!Copy !req
823. - Ilmarinen!Copy !req
824. - It's three in the morning!Copy !req
825. - The evil witch Louhi
has stolen your sister!Copy !req
826. - Yeah, and?Copy !req
827. - Annikki!Copy !req
828. - Here, wait a minute,
let me put my sword out.Copy !req
829. There.Copy !req
830. - Give me the sword!Copy !req
831. I will go to Pohjola!Copy !req
832. - Ah, let me just finish up here.Copy !req
833. So there!Copy !req
834. Say hi to my sister!Copy !req
835. - I will go with you to
Pohjola, Lemminkainen!Copy !req
836. - Wait, I'll drive.Copy !req
837. Let me get my keys.Copy !req
838. There we go.Copy !req
839. (hums)Copy !req
840. - Vainamoinen!Copy !req
841. My sister has been stolen!Copy !req
842. - Well, was she insured?Copy !req
843. - By the evil witch, Louhi!Copy !req
844. - Looks kind of like a Bible story.Copy !req
845. - Tell us, Vainamoinen!Copy !req
846. Tell us how we can find our wayCopy !req
847. to the misty shores of Pohjola!Copy !req
848. - Go down to the third stoplight, and...Copy !req
849. - Ah, Pohjola, the edge of the world.Copy !req
850. If you want to go there,Copy !req
851. - Take the Santa Monica freeway.Copy !req
852. - It will carry you over
the waves like a white swan.Copy !req
853. - Tell us, mighty one.Copy !req
854. How can we build a boat such as that?Copy !req
855. - I'm glad you asked.Copy !req
856. I'm having a boat-building seminar.Copy !req
857. - In this ancient oak tree
you will find your boat.Copy !req
858. Whereupon you take it
out, and it will carry youCopy !req
859. across the sea to the shores of Pohjola.Copy !req
860. - Okay, how much is
this gonna set me back?Copy !req
861. - Oh, I'm a-chafin like me!Copy !req
862. Oops, did it again.Copy !req
863. - You're kidding me, a boat in here?Copy !req
864. - It's a chip-away game.Copy !req
865. - Is there another wise
man we could talk to?Copy !req
866. - Eight years later...Copy !req
867. - So anyway, that's what
really got me interestedCopy !req
868. in stamp collecting.Copy !req
869. Of course, I've always loved the theater.Copy !req
870. - Just shut up.Copy !req
871. (tree creaking)Copy !req
872. - Hey, no boat!Copy !req
873. - That's my scratching tree, you jerks!Copy !req
874. - Not that tree.Copy !req
875. (stifling laughter)Copy !req
876. - Ah, Fred, did I mention
that I have a boat?Copy !req
877. Oh, now they're just showing off.Copy !req
878. - Oh, now what did they
chop the sail out of?Copy !req
879. - Oh, they cut the wood real thin.Copy !req
880. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
881. - May the sun light the way to
bring you safely home again.Copy !req
882. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, can
the balloon juice, Gramps,Copy !req
883. we're out of here.Copy !req
884. - Hey, shouldn't we
patch the bottom first?Copy !req
885. - I just pray there aren't no portages.Copy !req
886. - Oh boy.Copy !req
887. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in chains?Copy !req
888. - Kinky.Copy !req
889. It's giant sweet breads.Copy !req
890. - It's body wars.Copy !req
891. - Someone has come to visit us!Copy !req
892. - Quick, pick up the place!Copy !req
893. Make yourself presentable!Copy !req
894. - [Male voice] Over here!Copy !req
895. It's me!Copy !req
896. - What, it's a bag of Homer Simpson?Copy !req
897. (all crying out)Copy !req
898. - Wait, one at a time, please, come on.Copy !req
899. - [Woman] Yes!Copy !req
900. I am the South Wind!Copy !req
901. - Do you provide a service of some sort?Copy !req
902. - [Male Voice 2] And
I, I am the East Wind!Copy !req
903. - Put your teeth in, I
can't understand you!Copy !req
904. - Are you the North Wind?Copy !req
905. - I am the Mists.Copy !req
906. - I'm relative humidity.Copy !req
907. It's not so much the heat as it is me.Copy !req
908. - I'm the summer wind
that come blowin' in.Copy !req
909. - And you!Copy !req
910. (giggling)Copy !req
911. Which one are you?Copy !req
912. - Oh me? I'm just the laundry.Copy !req
913. - I am the North Wind.Copy !req
914. - Call me Sandy.Copy !req
915. - I was born among the ice.Copy !req
916. - Oh, that's fine, thank you, heh heh.Copy !req
917. - Please let me out!Copy !req
918. - Yeah, I didn't ask for a biography.Copy !req
919. - Very well, I will let you out.Copy !req
920. - [Louhi] So, this is where I find you!Copy !req
921. - Oh, we weren't kissing,
we were just talking!Copy !req
922. - It's something to amuse you.Copy !req
923. Just come with me, I'll
find something for you.Copy !req
924. - I've got one of those little pool tablesCopy !req
925. I bought at Brookstone.Copy !req
926. - Hold my prisoner in chains!Copy !req
927. - Alright, some orders we like to get!Copy !req
928. - Let me go!Copy !req
929. (techno music)Copy !req
930. - Deep thoughts.Copy !req
931. - Oh, Walleye Chop!Copy !req
932. I'd better get out there!Copy !req
933. - Eric's small cigars.Copy !req
934. - Inconceivable!Copy !req
935. They're gaining on us!Copy !req
936. Oh, the keg's here!Copy !req
937. - Aye, he has come, as I said he would.Copy !req
938. Do you see his boat approaching our shore?Copy !req
939. Do you hear the waves bringing him nearer?Copy !req
940. Come, wake up!Copy !req
941. Run to the beach and welcome him!Copy !req
942. - You're the boss, you're
the queen of everything, ok.Copy !req
943. - Smiles, everyone, smiles!Copy !req
944. - Hey, do you have a dock or something?Copy !req
945. We'd really appreciate it.Copy !req
946. - Huh, look at that boat.Copy !req
947. What, did you carve it out of a tree?Copy !req
948. - Shut up, shut up!Copy !req
949. - [Wizard] Mistress!Copy !req
950. Oh, you were right!Copy !req
951. The boat is bringing Lemminkainen,Copy !req
952. and his friend, the immortal blacksmith,Copy !req
953. Ilmarinen!Copy !req
954. - Greetings for all!Copy !req
955. Who accepts the challenge
that I have brought?Copy !req
956. - Can't, got a bad knee.Copy !req
957. - I did the last challenge.Copy !req
958. - I have come to free the maid Annikki!Copy !req
959. I am here with her brother.Copy !req
960. - Uh, Tony.Copy !req
961. - You are no coward.Copy !req
962. - No coward?Copy !req
963. - Then fight!Copy !req
964. If your power can protect
you from my arrows.Copy !req
965. - Yes, my power is great.Copy !req
966. - Ah, it's not that fun
- [Louhi] Magics!Copy !req
967. going to Grandma's anymore.Copy !req
968. - And charms.Copy !req
969. And terrible spells
enough to drive you backCopy !req
970. into the boiling cove
from which you've come,Copy !req
971. you blundering fool!Copy !req
972. - That's enough of that.Copy !req
973. Do you imagine we've come hereCopy !req
974. to listen to an old woman raving?Copy !req
975. - That's why most people come!Copy !req
976. - Now, do you accept the challenge,Copy !req
977. or will you give up my sister without it?Copy !req
978. - Take the curtain, go for the box!Copy !req
979. - I will not give up Annikki.Copy !req
980. - Here she busts, the witch is brittle!Copy !req
981. - No, wait!Copy !req
982. - Let me take off my girdle!Copy !req
983. - I will give your maiden back to you,Copy !req
984. if you perform two simple tasks.Copy !req
985. - Aw, this bites, let's blow.Copy !req
986. - What tasks?Copy !req
987. - Pick up my dry cleaning
and call the vet.Copy !req
988. - I have a field overrun with snakes,Copy !req
989. and he must first plow it!Copy !req
990. - Alright.Copy !req
991. - It's weird, but...Copy !req
992. - Show me where your field is.Copy !req
993. - Come on, come on, good Lemminkaimen.Copy !req
994. - Don't wait up, Eric,
if you know what I mean.Copy !req
995. - Say, that is cold.Copy !req
996. - You see it before you.Copy !req
997. - You see an old grackle.Copy !req
998. - A field of snakes.Copy !req
999. - Hey, Kevin Costner's in that, isn't he?Copy !req
1000. - No, this is the dirty version.Copy !req
1001. - Oh.Copy !req
1002. - I want a plow.Copy !req
1003. And I must have a powerful horse with it.Copy !req
1004. - Nay, I'm the cursed boss here.Copy !req
1005. - Are you asking me to feedCopy !req
1006. one of my horses to those snakes?Copy !req
1007. - He needs a horse.Copy !req
1008. I will build him a horse.Copy !req
1009. - Oh, make it out of a tree!Copy !req
1010. - Horse chestnut.Copy !req
1011. - [Wizard] Oh, Mistress!Copy !req
1012. - Don't call me that in public!Copy !req
1013. - Come here!Copy !req
1014. You must not allow Ilmarinen
to build that horse!Copy !req
1015. He'll be sure to plow the field,Copy !req
1016. and they will take Annikki!Copy !req
1017. Ilmarinen will refuse to make us a Sampo!Copy !req
1018. - Have patience!Copy !req
1019. He won't be able to carry her away.Copy !req
1020. - Now, slip into that stable boy suitCopy !req
1021. and meet me later down by the...Copy !req
1022. (whispering, laughing)Copy !req
1023. - Mistress of mine.Copy !req
1024. (men yelling)Copy !req
1025. - Oh, wow.Copy !req
1026. - And the sculling crew takes to the lake!Copy !req
1027. - We've got to get organized!Copy !req
1028. - [All] Attica! Attica! Attica!Copy !req
1029. - It's the Oslo riots!Copy !req
1030. - Hey uh, that's not very
smart when you're in the boat.Copy !req
1031. - He is pounding the air there.Copy !req
1032. - That's an air hammer.Copy !req
1033. - Ooh!Copy !req
1034. - Hey, we're going over
to Sven's after, huh?Copy !req
1035. Want to?Copy !req
1036. - Hmm?Copy !req
1037. - Suddenly it's flash dance!Copy !req
1038. - He's a steel town Sven
on a Saturday night!Copy !req
1039. (hammer thudding)Copy !req
1040. - Okay, okay, if he can make a horse,Copy !req
1041. why'd he have to cut that tree down?Copy !req
1042. - Yeah, well, now I just sit backCopy !req
1043. and rake in the praise, pretty much.Copy !req
1044. - Ooh, Daddy, ooh!Copy !req
1045. - The Tri-star logo's ready!Copy !req
1046. - He's...Copy !req
1047. Safe!Copy !req
1048. - They ran calling wild-fire!Copy !req
1049. - Ooh!Copy !req
1050. Ouch, ooh, stingy, that's still hot!Copy !req
1051. - Tsst, haha, tsst!Copy !req
1052. - Hello, I'm from the temp agency,Copy !req
1053. I'm your horse for the day!Copy !req
1054. - Ooh, must be the plow.Copy !req
1055. - Hey, good timing!Copy !req
1056. Boy, we work good together!Copy !req
1057. - Could you rub some
Solarcane on me, please?Copy !req
1058. - A horse?Copy !req
1059. We didn't plan on that!Copy !req
1060. - Will someone please turn the Wagner off?Copy !req
1061. - Hey, I think he just
invented the Mobile logo.Copy !req
1062. - Hmm!Copy !req
1063. - Yech!Copy !req
1064. Kind of a goofy Scandinavian double-dare.Copy !req
1065. (men yelling)Copy !req
1066. - Oh, man, it's a puppet, look.Copy !req
1067. - He's being attacked by a woozle.Copy !req
1068. - Yeah, they're, they're
all yelling, "Fake!"Copy !req
1069. - And now, I'd like to do my
Nostowsya Kimski impression.Copy !req
1070. I'll just take off my clothes.Copy !req
1071. - I knew they'd worm
their way into the film.Copy !req
1072. - You know, I wonder if that horseCopy !req
1073. comes in any other colors.Copy !req
1074. - Well, he's the enemy,Copy !req
1075. but you gotta admire him.Copy !req
1076. - Yup, yup, tip your cap.Copy !req
1077. - Hey.Copy !req
1078. Get a look at this, huh?Copy !req
1079. - Now let's go in and see
if Mom's got dinner ready.Copy !req
1080. - Oh, great, we can plant more snakes now.Copy !req
1081. - Alright, I've finished
plowing your field.Copy !req
1082. - Planted now with care.Copy !req
1083. And may the grain grow
as high as my shoulder.Copy !req
1084. - Now where is she?Copy !req
1085. We want to take her back!Copy !req
1086. - I'll give you your Annikki,Copy !req
1087. but it won't do you much good.Copy !req
1088. There isn't very much left of your boat.Copy !req
1089. - Hey, that's below the belt.Copy !req
1090. - Yeah, I don't really get witches' humor.Copy !req
1091. - Come along, let me show you!Copy !req
1092. - Brother, she's got issues, huh?Copy !req
1093. - It's the Swedish dells!Copy !req
1094. The Dukes ride the Dukes.Copy !req
1095. - Hey, you wrecked our boat,
you freaked-out maniac!Copy !req
1096. - [Louhi] A great fish
swimming near the shore.Copy !req
1097. It flipped its tail once,
and smashed your boat!Copy !req
1098. - Well I suppose those
kind of things hap--what?Copy !req
1099. - Then I will make a new boat!Copy !req
1100. An iron one!Copy !req
1101. And tell your fish if he
tries to smash this one,Copy !req
1102. it'll break his teeth off!Copy !req
1103. - Well, you don't have to yell.Copy !req
1104. - Huh?Copy !req
1105. (Ilmarinen chanting)
- They're roasting Bullwinkle!Copy !req
1106. - Come forth!Copy !req
1107. - Feed me, Rocky, help me!Copy !req
1108. - Again?Copy !req
1109. - Oh, nobody ever helps this guy.Copy !req
1110. - Look! A boat!Copy !req
1111. (all crying out)Copy !req
1112. - Uh-oh! Out of control.Copy !req
1113. - What's going to become of us now?Copy !req
1114. - Oh, everything's about you, isn't it?Copy !req
1115. - When log float rides go horribly wrong!Copy !req
1116. - You may get burnt on this ride.Copy !req
1117. - Uh, there's a flaming
moose blocking trafficCopy !req
1118. on I-35, W, Northbound.Copy !req
1119. - Would somebody please put me out?Copy !req
1120. I seem to be on fire!Copy !req
1121. - Protect us!Copy !req
1122. - Have mercy, dear mistress!Copy !req
1123. - Do something!Copy !req
1124. - Now, there's something you
don't see every day, Chauncy.Copy !req
1125. - Yeah, what's that, Edgar?Copy !req
1126. - KISS going bass-fishing.Copy !req
1127. - Quite a boat, wouldn't you say?Copy !req
1128. - Now that it's finished,
we'll be on our way,Copy !req
1129. the minute you give us Annikki.Copy !req
1130. - I demand that you make your boat stop!Copy !req
1131. - When you release my sister!Copy !req
1132. Your only excuse before was becauseCopy !req
1133. your fish wrecked our other boat!Copy !req
1134. - Ah, point well taken.Copy !req
1135. - You act like I'm the bad guy!Copy !req
1136. - I don't know if your
sister is ready for that.Copy !req
1137. - She's still upstairs dressing!Copy !req
1138. - I warn you, lady of Pohjola!Copy !req
1139. You better give us Annikki!Copy !req
1140. - Only he has performed
well what I gave him to do,Copy !req
1141. and you, what did you do?Copy !req
1142. - Yeah!Copy !req
1143. - I've heard you make magic too!Copy !req
1144. - Hell, I made the horse!Copy !req
1145. - What are you talking about, what magic!Copy !req
1146. - I mean, the Sampo!Copy !req
1147. - [All] Dun dun dun!Copy !req
1148. - Have you anything in you heart...Copy !req
1149. - Forge a Sampo!Copy !req
1150. Or you'll never see the face
of your pretty sister again.Copy !req
1151. - Can we see the other parts?Copy !req
1152. - Crimeney, better look up Sampo quick,Copy !req
1153. I think she's serious.Copy !req
1154. - [Ilmarinen] Louhi,
I'll do anything you ask,Copy !req
1155. - Only a Sampo!Copy !req
1156. (techno music)Copy !req
1157. - No, Tom, you're thinking of a sample.Copy !req
1158. S-A-M-P-L-E.Copy !req
1159. We're talking about a Sampo, with an O.Copy !req
1160. - Oh.Copy !req
1161. - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
1162. So if a Sampo isn't a small
taste of no-fat cheeseCopy !req
1163. at the grocery store, then
what, I implore you, is it?Copy !req
1164. - [Crow] Well I was
thinking that maybe a SampoCopy !req
1165. is a really good can opener.Copy !req
1166. - [Tom] No, I think it's
a strapless evening gown!Copy !req
1167. - You think everything is
a strapless evening gown!Copy !req
1168. - I just think they're neat, is all.Copy !req
1169. What do you think, Joel?Copy !req
1170. - Uh, I think a Sampo's
like a hand-hammeredCopy !req
1171. conch belt with turquoise inlays,Copy !req
1172. used to accentuate an oversized blouse?Copy !req
1173. - I think it's that dent
between the nose and lip.Copy !req
1174. - Well, whatever it is,
that witch wants it moreCopy !req
1175. than anything, so it must be
some sort of wrinkle cream.Copy !req
1176. - Oh, no, I got it.Copy !req
1177. Sampo: A progressive new corporationCopy !req
1178. with an eye towards the future.Copy !req
1179. Sampo is a corporation
for people, by people.Copy !req
1180. - I think it increases corn yields.Copy !req
1181. - I think it's a nasty
little rubber novelty item,Copy !req
1182. if you know what I mean.Copy !req
1183. - Well, maybe it's not tangible.Copy !req
1184. I mean, maybe Sampo is found
in the laughter of children,Copy !req
1185. or in the roar of the tide,Copy !req
1186. or in the capacity to love and be loved.Copy !req
1187. - No, I know.Copy !req
1188. I think Sampo is a new
high-energy prop comic.Copy !req
1189. You know, like, "Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
1190. "The Funny Bone is proud to
present funny man Sampo!"Copy !req
1191. - Well, one thing's for sure, gentlemen.Copy !req
1192. The US of A still makes
the best damn SamposCopy !req
1193. on the market, and I mean
nobody is going to change that!Copy !req
1194. - I've got it.Copy !req
1195. It's fresh, it's sassy,
it's free, it's me!Copy !req
1196. It's an exciting new fragrance
by Prince Machipelli!Copy !req
1197. - Oh no.Copy !req
1198. - Maybe not.Copy !req
1199. - Well, to be honest, everybody,Copy !req
1200. we don't know what a Sampo is.Copy !req
1201. - Not a clue.Copy !req
1202. - If you know what a Sampo is,Copy !req
1203. write it down on a piece
of paper, throw it awayCopy !req
1204. and then try not to think about it.Copy !req
1205. You'll be glad you did!Copy !req
1206. - [All] Sampo!Copy !req
1207. (siren buzzing)Copy !req
1208. - Oh, movies!Copy !req
1209. - We've got movies, oh, let's go!Copy !req
1210. - Sampo!Copy !req
1211. (doors whirring, clanking open)Copy !req
1212. - Ding! Sampo up!Copy !req
1213. - Oh, geez, what a day.Copy !req
1214. - You know, I really
admire how you stood firmCopy !req
1215. on the Sampo issue, your witchiness.Copy !req
1216. You didn't give an inch,
and I really admire that.Copy !req
1217. - We'd like to show you how
we maximized the warehouseCopy !req
1218. to increase Sampo shipments!Copy !req
1219. - Yes, it's really exciting.Copy !req
1220. I think you should come
and take a look at it.Copy !req
1221. - Well?Copy !req
1222. - I must have a wisp of lamb's wool,Copy !req
1223. a feather from a swan,Copy !req
1224. and a barley corn!Copy !req
1225. - You hear this guy?Copy !req
1226. - Get him the smallest of the flock,Copy !req
1227. and a swan, and whole bushel of barley!Copy !req
1228. - And some mini donuts!Copy !req
1229. (Tom humming along to music)Copy !req
1230. - Um, can we get married?Copy !req
1231. We're in love.Copy !req
1232. - Nobody asked for a goose,Copy !req
1233. you take that right away!Copy !req
1234. - Aw, now somebody's sweater
is gonna have a big flaw!Copy !req
1235. - You put your feather in before the wool?Copy !req
1236. Hmm.Copy !req
1237. - With this wool will I clothe you.Copy !req
1238. - With these teeth will you bite me.Copy !req
1239. - With this barley will I nourish you.Copy !req
1240. - Oh, he's making Chex party mix.Copy !req
1241. - Ladies and gentlemen, the
magic of Ulysses S. Grant!Copy !req
1242. - The Sampo!Copy !req
1243. Sampo!Copy !req
1244. Sampo!Copy !req
1245. - Sampo means flavor!Copy !req
1246. - Now give meCopy !req
1247. the fire that burned in the clouds!Copy !req
1248. - How dare you!Copy !req
1249. Don't mention that!Copy !req
1250. - It's dirty!Copy !req
1251. - You want the Sampo?Copy !req
1252. That is the only fire I can forge it in.Copy !req
1253. It has to be the heavenly flame.Copy !req
1254. - Is it hot in here?Copy !req
1255. - I wonder if this is some trick,Copy !req
1256. to deprive me of the heavenly fire.Copy !req
1257. - But we won't have much use for thatCopy !req
1258. if he makes the mill!Copy !req
1259. Give him the fire!Copy !req
1260. - We'll be able to haveCopy !req
1261. as much flour as we want without grain!Copy !req
1262. - And we'll be able to have salt!Copy !req
1263. - And we'll be able to
make silver and gold!Copy !req
1264. (all clamoring)Copy !req
1265. - My spin doctors.Copy !req
1266. - Go and fetch the heavenly
flame for him, then.Copy !req
1267. - But someone stay here
to answer the phones!Copy !req
1268. - Boy, she's really broken
through the glass ceiling, huh?Copy !req
1269. - Yeah.Copy !req
1270. (Tom singing along to music)Copy !req
1271. - Yeah, yesterday's soap.Copy !req
1272. We're trying to get rid of it.Copy !req
1273. - Oh, it looks like Caligula in here.Copy !req
1274. - How would you know that?Copy !req
1275. The soup has a escort?Copy !req
1276. - Good soup.Copy !req
1277. (grunting)Copy !req
1278. - Here, ditch this flaming skull for me,Copy !req
1279. I don't know how that got in there.Copy !req
1280. - Nice weight.Copy !req
1281. - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1282. - Real good flame.Copy !req
1283. - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1284. - Put all your idle people to work,Copy !req
1285. I'll need their help.Copy !req
1286. Tell them to work the bellows!Copy !req
1287. - You heard what he said!Copy !req
1288. - Saul Bellows, get to work!Copy !req
1289. - No, no, aw.Copy !req
1290. - Is it Sampo yet?Copy !req
1291. - Now, be careful, this plate is very hot.Copy !req
1292. - So how does this work?Copy !req
1293. - Hey, let me know when you need a break.Copy !req
1294. - Mark seven!Copy !req
1295. Mark seven!Copy !req
1296. Oh, mark seven, damnit!Copy !req
1297. Mark seven!Copy !req
1298. - Riam trolls, working for you!Copy !req
1299. - Where's a friggin' Sampo,Copy !req
1300. (continues garbling)Copy !req
1301. - Uh, Steve, honey, why don't
you go get Daddy a beer.Copy !req
1302. - You said you'd make
the mill, where is it?Copy !req
1303. - The men can't make the fire hot enough.Copy !req
1304. - Sure, blame my department.Copy !req
1305. - Keep working, you sluggards!Copy !req
1306. Pump the bellows, make the flames leap up!Copy !req
1307. - We're doing our best, Mistress.Copy !req
1308. - He's got a cocktail dress on!Copy !req
1309. - Ah, it's not done, must have
been frozen in the middle.Copy !req
1310. - He's got delusions of grandeur.Copy !req
1311. - Hey, it's like urban cowboy.Copy !req
1312. - Oh, boy.Copy !req
1313. How's that beer coming, Stevie?Copy !req
1314. - Work harder!Copy !req
1315. Get the heat up!Copy !req
1316. Faster, faster!Copy !req
1317. - Get off, Todd, come on, I'm serious!Copy !req
1318. Come on!Copy !req
1319. - Oh, they think I'm working,
that's the beauty part!Copy !req
1320. - Woohoo!Copy !req
1321. Oh, I hate this infernal routine!Copy !req
1322. - Burn, baby, burn!Copy !req
1323. Disco Inferno!Copy !req
1324. - Oh, the guy on top
must be the shop steward.Copy !req
1325. - Will someone please get the phone?Copy !req
1326. - Kids come running for
the rich taste of Sampo!Copy !req
1327. (all scream)Copy !req
1328. - Be careful, that's nitric
acid, we don't have very much.Copy !req
1329. (all screaming)Copy !req
1330. - Oh, I hate this school lunch program.Copy !req
1331. - Water's considered a vegetable.Copy !req
1332. - This is why I don't make
Sampos except on holidays.Copy !req
1333. - Hey, can we help?Copy !req
1334. - You can help by setting the table.Copy !req
1335. - Sorry, Sampos off.Copy !req
1336. - Sampo!Copy !req
1337. - Ask for it by name.Copy !req
1338. - Sampo!Copy !req
1339. - Ask for it by name.Copy !req
1340. - Eh, that's a Sampo, huh?Copy !req
1341. - Sampo!Copy !req
1342. - You know.Copy !req
1343. - Ray Nitschke?Copy !req
1344. - Do you get wafers with it?Copy !req
1345. - You don't get bleeding wafers with it!Copy !req
1346. - It's very impressive.Copy !req
1347. But how do I know it works?Copy !req
1348. - Well, you just plug
it into the wall outlet,Copy !req
1349. and turn it on.Copy !req
1350. - Let there be gold, and flour,Copy !req
1351. and salt!Copy !req
1352. - Of course, I recommend
the service contract.Copy !req
1353. - Still, I think it would
look better by the couch.Copy !req
1354. - Sorry I doubted your Sampo.Copy !req
1355. (men cheering)Copy !req
1356. - Boy, I thought there'd
be more people aroundCopy !req
1357. the gold part of this thing,Copy !req
1358. but the line's really
not that long, you know?Copy !req
1359. - This is what it would have been likeCopy !req
1360. if Perot would have won.Copy !req
1361. - Oh, great, rock salt!Copy !req
1362. We'll never slip on the driveway again!Copy !req
1363. - Makes you think, don't it, honey?Copy !req
1364. - Nice to see them so happy.Copy !req
1365. - Yup.Copy !req
1366. - The manual's in the box, and, uh,Copy !req
1367. first upgrade's free.Copy !req
1368. - Now give us back Annikki.Copy !req
1369. - Oh, she's home already.Copy !req
1370. - Alright, I will give your
pretty sister back to you now.Copy !req
1371. - I must warn you, she's aged some.Copy !req
1372. - Wait, that's the wrong sister.Copy !req
1373. - Help yourself a heapin'
helpin' of sweet Annikki.Copy !req
1374. - Annikki!Copy !req
1375. - Do I know you?Copy !req
1376. - Lemminkainen!Copy !req
1377. - You're not as cute as I remember!Copy !req
1378. On a clear day...Copy !req
1379. - Annikki!Copy !req
1380. My little sister!Copy !req
1381. - Take that creature away from my palace!Copy !req
1382. - [Joel] Oh, killjoy.Copy !req
1383. - I want her gone with
all those nasty flowers!Copy !req
1384. - Don't worry, lady,
we're out of here, gosh!Copy !req
1385. - Oh hey, Missus, the
Sampo stopped working,Copy !req
1386. and we didn't get the service contract.Copy !req
1387. - Smash them, take them away!Copy !req
1388. - And I want them all inventoried, too!Copy !req
1389. - We don't want them here,
the evil stunning flowers!Copy !req
1390. - Man, I wonder what her
Myers-Briggs test was like.Copy !req
1391. - How were you ever able to rescue meCopy !req
1392. from that wicked creature?Copy !req
1393. - Well, I had to make this
boat all by myself, and...Copy !req
1394. - Hey, leave my sister alone.Copy !req
1395. - Your brother, Ilmarinen, made a Sampo,Copy !req
1396. and left it with the wicked witch,Copy !req
1397. in place of you.Copy !req
1398. - A Sampo?Copy !req
1399. - You mean one of those
big things that makesCopy !req
1400. gold and salt and stuff?Copy !req
1401. - Yeah.Copy !req
1402. - You mean the new '92 SampoCopy !req
1403. - with the leather interior?
- [Annikki] And because of me,Copy !req
1404. he deprived our people of
their rightful treasure?Copy !req
1405. - I am returning to Pohjola,Copy !req
1406. and I shall recover the Sampo.Copy !req
1407. - No, Ilmarinen!Copy !req
1408. I am going back for it, now!Copy !req
1409. - No, well, I think a
better plan would be to goCopy !req
1410. back and get supplies--hey!Copy !req
1411. - Hey, he's got pure wool on,Copy !req
1412. he's gonna shrink right up!Copy !req
1413. (waves crashing)Copy !req
1414. - Try the cleaning power
of new LemminkainenCopy !req
1415. in your rinse cycle!Copy !req
1416. - This is it, isn't it?Copy !req
1417. - Yeah.Copy !req
1418. Think so.Copy !req
1419. - Oh, really love the new Sampo!Copy !req
1420. No buyer's remorse here, witchy-poo!Copy !req
1421. - Who's hungry for salt?Copy !req
1422. - Oh, geez, I better plan this, let's see.Copy !req
1423. Oh, gotta take the Sampo, it's my dad's.Copy !req
1424. No, damn!Copy !req
1425. Sampo repair!Copy !req
1426. (clears throat)Copy !req
1427. Might I just pop in and grab my Sampo?Copy !req
1428. No, darn!Copy !req
1429. - Oh no, they really like it.Copy !req
1430. I was hoping they wouldn't
be getting into the Sampo,Copy !req
1431. no such luck.Copy !req
1432. - Mmm, a good heft.Copy !req
1433. - I caught you, you filthy wretch,Copy !req
1434. trying to steal my gold!Copy !req
1435. - No, I wasn't!Copy !req
1436. - Catch him!Copy !req
1437. Don't let him get away!Copy !req
1438. Find him and throw him in the machine!Copy !req
1439. - Hey Tony, come on,
it's me, your roommate!Copy !req
1440. - Monkey pile.Copy !req
1441. Phew, ugh!Copy !req
1442. That was a mistake.Copy !req
1443. - That was the chile relleno wind.Copy !req
1444. - Ew!Copy !req
1445. - Ouch.Copy !req
1446. - Who let the mist out?Copy !req
1447. It blinds me, so I cannot see.Copy !req
1448. Back into thy bag, mist, I conjure thee,Copy !req
1449. back into thy bag.
(Joel coughing)Copy !req
1450. - Why did thee even have the mist,Copy !req
1451. if it bugs thee so much?Copy !req
1452. - It's kinda like a giant
Neo-Synephrine bag, isn't it?Copy !req
1453. (witch screams)Copy !req
1454. - Ma'am?Copy !req
1455. - Where is the many-colored
dome of the Sampo?Copy !req
1456. - Ma'am, the dome is an
option that you did not order.Copy !req
1457. - After him, and bring him back here!Copy !req
1458. - Ah, I can never just sit
back and enjoy my Sampo!Copy !req
1459. (men groaning)Copy !req
1460. - Hey, it's nice out here!Copy !req
1461. - Ah, there he is!Copy !req
1462. - Miss America!Copy !req
1463. - Destroy Ilamiren!Copy !req
1464. Destroy Lemminkainen's boat!Copy !req
1465. Release them!Copy !req
1466. Let the winds rush over
and destroy this fiend!Copy !req
1467. - Fly, monkeys, fly!Copy !req
1468. - Oh, now why does this always happenCopy !req
1469. at 4:30 on a Friday?Copy !req
1470. - Lemminkainen bold, exciting and new!Copy !req
1471. - Aguire, the wrath of God!Copy !req
1472. - I'm gonna get a bigger boat, right?Copy !req
1473. Yeah, we're gonna get a
bigger boat, definitely.Copy !req
1474. - Make the witch a Sampo,Copy !req
1475. what the heck was I thinking anyway?Copy !req
1476. - Wind, with Matthew
Muldeen and Jennifer Grey.Copy !req
1477. - Now on video.Copy !req
1478. - Hey, it looks just like
the statue of Iwo Jima,Copy !req
1479. if you cross your eyes and get the polesCopy !req
1480. with all of those guys.Copy !req
1481. - Hold on Buck!Copy !req
1482. Hold onto the boat, Bucky!Copy !req
1483. - Anybody got any Dramamine?Copy !req
1484. (gagging)Copy !req
1485. - Ladies and gentlemen,
the Swedish Moses of soul.Copy !req
1486. - There's got to be a morning after...Copy !req
1487. - The boat is wrecked!Copy !req
1488. - Don't get short with me, dope!Copy !req
1489. - It's wrecked!Copy !req
1490. (all clamoring loudly)Copy !req
1491. - Yeah right, Madonna and her dancersCopy !req
1492. get along really good.Copy !req
1493. - You still can't let go
of the Sampo, can you?Copy !req
1494. Let it go, Sven.Copy !req
1495. - Um, Dad said I could use the car.Copy !req
1496. You got the keys?Copy !req
1497. - He will be coming home soon,Copy !req
1498. and I promise you I will dance with youCopy !req
1499. at your wedding feast.Copy !req
1500. - Oh.Copy !req
1501. Give me the good news now.Copy !req
1502. - Our father, who art,Copy !req
1503. Huh?Copy !req
1504. - Woe! Oh, woe!Copy !req
1505. Your brave son Lemminkainen
has met his death.Copy !req
1506. - It can't be true!Copy !req
1507. My son lives.Copy !req
1508. - Coo-coo, coo-coo, coo-coo.Copy !req
1509. - Oh, she is off the beam.Copy !req
1510. - I see a kidney.Copy !req
1511. - I do, yeah.Copy !req
1512. - Heathcliff! Catherine!Copy !req
1513. - Have pity on a mother's prayer.Copy !req
1514. Friend of the four winds of Heaven.Copy !req
1515. - Um, have we met?Copy !req
1516. - Can you tell me what's
become of my brave son?Copy !req
1517. - I have troubles enough of my own.Copy !req
1518. The men strip my bark for making baskets.Copy !req
1519. The children break my branches for brooms.Copy !req
1520. How should I know anything about your son?Copy !req
1521. - Geez, sorry I asked!Copy !req
1522. - Birch, birch, birch.Copy !req
1523. - Now get out of my office!Copy !req
1524. Miss Jenkins, I pay you
to screen these people!Copy !req
1525. - I see a past president
who shall remain nameless.Copy !req
1526. - Oh you mean,Copy !req
1527. - Chester Arthur.Copy !req
1528. - Hey, uh, lady!Copy !req
1529. I'm a nice big pine that
you could pray to, maybe.Copy !req
1530. Maybe?Copy !req
1531. - Tell me, old wandering road,Copy !req
1532. have pity on a poor mother's sorrow!Copy !req
1533. Do you know what happened to my son?Copy !req
1534. - Um, b-oh I'll put the
word out on the street!Copy !req
1535. Oh, I am the street.Copy !req
1536. - Excuse me, I'm kind of stuck in a rut.Copy !req
1537. - Mother Teresa, in a role
that will inspire you!Copy !req
1538. - You should have pity on me!Copy !req
1539. I am the road!Copy !req
1540. - I didn't appreciate what
Kerouac said about me!Copy !req
1541. - ...to find your wandering son.Copy !req
1542. - Oh, poor road.Copy !req
1543. You have everything, I have nothing!Copy !req
1544. - I have enough troubles of my own.Copy !req
1545. - Now I know what they mean when they sayCopy !req
1546. the road goes on forever.Copy !req
1547. - Do you know how many timesCopy !req
1548. men have trampled on me?Copy !req
1549. - She's praying to county
road D2, what does she want?Copy !req
1550. - How they make the hooves
of their horses kick me.Copy !req
1551. - What is it with the
inanimate objects today?Copy !req
1552. - Have you thought about praying to me,Copy !req
1553. God, the big G-meister?Copy !req
1554. - Dear Almighty refrigerator door,Copy !req
1555. oh.Copy !req
1556. - Oh glorious sun, you who look over all,Copy !req
1557. - Well, I do my best.Copy !req
1558. - Answer a mother's prayer.Copy !req
1559. Tell me where I can find
my son, my brave boy.Copy !req
1560. - Look for your sonCopy !req
1561. - She's praying to a Mills brother!Copy !req
1562. - Far in the north.Copy !req
1563. In the cold and craggyCopy !req
1564. land of Pohjola.Copy !req
1565. - You should do voiceovers.Copy !req
1566. - He is a prisoner of the evil witch,Copy !req
1567. Louhi.Copy !req
1568. - At least he was as of last Wednesday.Copy !req
1569. - That's a Richard Diebenkorn painting.Copy !req
1570. I think.Copy !req
1571. - Oh, great north deciduous forest,Copy !req
1572. oh never mind.Copy !req
1573. - Ever eat a pine tree?Copy !req
1574. Many parts are edible.Copy !req
1575. (Crow humming)Copy !req
1576. - What? Hey!Copy !req
1577. Somebody took my minnows!Copy !req
1578. - Oh, I think I'll just skip some rocks.Copy !req
1579. - Oh, dead, bloated carp,
floating in the shallows,Copy !req
1580. oh.Copy !req
1581. - Hey, it looks like one of
those Hamm's Beer clocks.Copy !req
1582. - Sea wheat.Copy !req
1583. It's...Copy !req
1584. (imitates trumpet)Copy !req
1585. I hate Mondays!Copy !req
1586. - Now wipe your feet before
you come into Finland!Copy !req
1587. (Tom grunting)Copy !req
1588. - Morning.Copy !req
1589. (techno music)Copy !req
1590. This small mound is aliveCopy !req
1591. with the sound ofCopy !req
1592. - When Lemminkainen met Annikki.Copy !req
1593. - I pick myself up and dust myself off,Copy !req
1594. I start the day all over again!Copy !req
1595. - I can't believe it.Copy !req
1596. I'm David McCallum.Copy !req
1597. - Lemminkainen!Copy !req
1598. - No, I didn't get your flippin' Sampo.Copy !req
1599. - Lemminkainen!Copy !req
1600. - Oh, my son!Copy !req
1601. - Way to wreck the scene, Mom.Copy !req
1602. - Forgive me, dearest Mother.Copy !req
1603. - Okay.Copy !req
1604. - And you should forget me.Copy !req
1605. - Okay.Copy !req
1606. - I have no right to be happy,Copy !req
1607. for I have destroyed the Sampo.Copy !req
1608. - Jerk.Copy !req
1609. - Hey!
- [Crow] Hey!Copy !req
1610. - Did you get the Sampo?Copy !req
1611. - How's it going!
- [Crow] Where's the Sampo?Copy !req
1612. - We sure are excited about the Sampo!Copy !req
1613. Oh.Copy !req
1614. - I just wanted to hear how it
went with the Sampo, is all.Copy !req
1615. - How's the Sampo?Copy !req
1616. - An ashtray?Copy !req
1617. - Give me my sister back!Copy !req
1618. Here, I got one of these already.Copy !req
1619. - Sampo is no more.Copy !req
1620. - Well, I did bring the Sampo home game.Copy !req
1621. - It would cheer brave night,Copy !req
1622. - Hey! You're the road, aren't you?Copy !req
1623. - And you, my people, take heart!Copy !req
1624. - Time will come,
- [Joel] We've hit bottom.Copy !req
1625. as you will see.Copy !req
1626. When even this, the fragment of the Sampo,Copy !req
1627. will bring much joy and happinessCopy !req
1628. to the people of Kalevala.Copy !req
1629. - No, a lot of good that does them now.Copy !req
1630. - Yugh.Copy !req
1631. - Kalevala, come before us.Copy !req
1632. Kalevala, stand before us.Copy !req
1633. - La la la la la la.Copy !req
1634. - Kalevala, come before us.Copy !req
1635. Kalevala, stand before us.Copy !req
1636. - This is my favorite bit he does!Copy !req
1637. Watch this, it's good, hoho!Copy !req
1638. - Good Mistress!Copy !req
1639. Come quickly!Copy !req
1640. - Something's coming in
on the urinescope, sir!Copy !req
1641. - Evil Lemminkainen lives!Copy !req
1642. - Oh, you got some on my robe.Copy !req
1643. - Now, let my cloak
bear me far to Kalevala,Copy !req
1644. to destroy the people who live there!Copy !req
1645. - It's the Von Trapps!Copy !req
1646. - Yeah, out for their morning run!Copy !req
1647. - Oh, say, everyone, did
you hear there is no Sampo?Copy !req
1648. - Yeah, it's really too bad.Copy !req
1649. - No Sampo, eh? Bummer.Copy !req
1650. - Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.Copy !req
1651. - I'm so glad it's a dry celebration.Copy !req
1652. It's so much more fun than
the kegger would have been!Copy !req
1653. - Failed to bring back the SampoCopy !req
1654. - Sampo!Copy !req
1655. - We shall die of starvation!Copy !req
1656. - Sampo!Copy !req
1657. (robots singing)Copy !req
1658. - What is this, Stalag 17 the musical?Copy !req
1659. - I think it's the Black Oak Arkansaw.Copy !req
1660. - Failure, failure,Copy !req
1661. he's such a failure, failure, failure.Copy !req
1662. What a real failure, failure, failure.Copy !req
1663. - Hey, it's Ravi Shankar.Copy !req
1664. - [All] Failure, failure,Copy !req
1665. - Really loser, failure.Copy !req
1666. (singing continues)Copy !req
1667. - Surrender Ilsa!Copy !req
1668. - Recon! Look out!Copy !req
1669. (imitating engine noise)Copy !req
1670. - I meant to do that!Copy !req
1671. - Marty Feldman, in a role
that won't surprise you.Copy !req
1672. - Failure!Copy !req
1673. He's such a stupid little failure!Copy !req
1674. - Oh, it looks like Rutherford B. HayesCopy !req
1675. just got out of the sauna!Copy !req
1676. - Stupid, stupid little failure!Copy !req
1677. - Ugh, hand over the bride.Copy !req
1678. I can't wait all day.Copy !req
1679. - Well, here's the keys.Copy !req
1680. She's a little slow to
start in the winter,Copy !req
1681. just give her some gas.Copy !req
1682. - Wait, my dears!Copy !req
1683. Just wait till you see the
gift I've brought for you!Copy !req
1684. - Guess they shouldn't
have registered in Hell.Copy !req
1685. - We still think he's a failure,Copy !req
1686. - What? She's marrying the Yale crew team?Copy !req
1687. - Bad news, they wanna water ski.Copy !req
1688. - Our old slave ship?Copy !req
1689. You shouldn't have!Copy !req
1690. (children laughing)Copy !req
1691. - Hurry up, they're gonna consummate!Copy !req
1692. - Alright, hit it!Copy !req
1693. (imitates engine)Copy !req
1694. Hey, the kids look ripe!Copy !req
1695. 'Bout ready to drop!Copy !req
1696. - Plump.Copy !req
1697. It's a nice day for a wet wedding.Copy !req
1698. - And you know, the
kids planned the weddingCopy !req
1699. all by themselves, and I think
they've done such a nice job.Copy !req
1700. We're just so lucky
that the rain held out.Copy !req
1701. - Mmm, yeah.Copy !req
1702. - I thought we were gonna get a limo?Copy !req
1703. - Sure beats fooling around
in a nice hotel, eh, Honey?Copy !req
1704. - Come on, kiss him!Copy !req
1705. Here comes the failure.Copy !req
1706. - You know, this is considered
a riot in Scandinavia.Copy !req
1707. - Wild.Copy !req
1708. - [All] He's a failure, la la la la,Copy !req
1709. What a loser, la la la la,Copy !req
1710. Total failure, total failure,Copy !req
1711. total failure, la la la!Copy !req
1712. (Crow continues to sing)Copy !req
1713. - You know, this is the kind of musicCopy !req
1714. that Up with People rejected.Copy !req
1715. - Oh, they're gonna
honeymoon at a rest stop?Copy !req
1716. - Yup.Copy !req
1717. - [All] Total failure, total failure,Copy !req
1718. Failure, failure, la, la, la!Copy !req
1719. - Okay, that's fine!Copy !req
1720. Please disperse!Copy !req
1721. - Failure, da da da!Copy !req
1722. He's a loser and a chump!Copy !req
1723. Failure, failure, total failure,Copy !req
1724. What a loser, la, la, la!Copy !req
1725. - Okay, oh, that's for fun, huh?Copy !req
1726. - Are you with the bride or the failure?Copy !req
1727. - Huh! Check out this guy.Copy !req
1728. He looks like something you could buyCopy !req
1729. in a gift shop up north.Copy !req
1730. - Now, why is he wearing a
Hershey's kiss on his head?Copy !req
1731. - Hey.Copy !req
1732. Sup.Copy !req
1733. - Brando's here!Copy !req
1734. - [Crow] Brando!
- It's Brando!Copy !req
1735. - Hi, Mr. Brando.Copy !req
1736. - All rise, Santa is entering the lodge.Copy !req
1737. - What the hell is going on in here?Copy !req
1738. This is my room!Copy !req
1739. - Uh, just throw this on
the gift table, would you?Copy !req
1740. Didn't have time to wrap it.Copy !req
1741. - They never invite me to anything!Copy !req
1742. - May health and happiness be with you,Copy !req
1743. all the days of your life!Copy !req
1744. - Oh, no!Copy !req
1745. - He's drunk again.Copy !req
1746. - Uh-oh!Copy !req
1747. - Healthy with you, Vainamoinen.Copy !req
1748. You are kind to pay a visit
to our humble little cottage.Copy !req
1749. - Oh, thanks.Copy !req
1750. I see this coming in real handy.Copy !req
1751. - Heh heh, what am I?Copy !req
1752. I'm a moose!Copy !req
1753. - Grandpa, that's Aunt Essie's urn!Copy !req
1754. (imitates sputtering)Copy !req
1755. - Your beer is almost too
strong for an old man like me.Copy !req
1756. - Oh, coronary, oop!Copy !req
1757. - It's the jolly troll!Copy !req
1758. - Oh, she's calling the Batman!Copy !req
1759. - Maybe she's mad cause she
used to date Lemminkainen.Copy !req
1760. - Yeah, she's lots of
laughs, but not the kindCopy !req
1761. you'd settle down with.Copy !req
1762. - She's fine for junior
year, but you gotta move on.Copy !req
1763. - Ooh.Copy !req
1764. (women screaming)Copy !req
1765. - That was the night that the
lights went out in Finland.Copy !req
1766. - The sun is gone!Copy !req
1767. (cackling)Copy !req
1768. - Oh, looks like she's, uh,Copy !req
1769. dragging a muffler there.Copy !req
1770. - Evil times have fallen
on happy Kalevala.Copy !req
1771. - Come on, it's just a
circuit breaker, Grandpa!Copy !req
1772. - Wicked Louhi has come,Copy !req
1773. she's stolen the sun.Copy !req
1774. - Golly, he's really calm in a crisis.Copy !req
1775. - Mmm.Copy !req
1776. Sorry about the failure.Copy !req
1777. - Farewell, good friend.Copy !req
1778. - Fare thee well, kind mistress.Copy !req
1779. Fare thee well. Thank you.Copy !req
1780. - Uh, I had the cut crystal bowlCopy !req
1781. that the dip was in.Copy !req
1782. Well, we'll come back.Copy !req
1783. - Pff! Great wedding.Copy !req
1784. Get half a buzz on and then
sent home with a torch.Copy !req
1785. - There can be no happiness,Copy !req
1786. without the sun.Copy !req
1787. - Oh, come on, Kirsten,
I'm a night person,Copy !req
1788. I love it.Copy !req
1789. - Keep for me my kantele.Copy !req
1790. - Take a hit if you want to.Copy !req
1791. - Now, it can only remain silent.Copy !req
1792. I must not play on it,Copy !req
1793. unless the sun is up.Copy !req
1794. - Oh, Mr. Particular!Copy !req
1795. Everything's gotta be just right!Copy !req
1796. - Yeah, it looks like they're trying toCopy !req
1797. take back the night over here.Copy !req
1798. - No, I think it's a Melanie concert.Copy !req
1799. (doors whirring, clanking shut)Copy !req
1800. - [Voiceover] Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
1801. presenting in her one-woman show,Copy !req
1802. Gyspy!Copy !req
1803. - Here we go!Copy !req
1804. - Shhhh!
- [Joel] Oop, sorry.Copy !req
1805. - There's a big frontier
out there called lifeCopy !req
1806. I ain't nobody's daughter,
I ain't nobody's wife.Copy !req
1807. I'm gonna state my very own claim of land,Copy !req
1808. and you're gonna wanna know who I am.Copy !req
1809. I'm Gyspy!Copy !req
1810. Gypsy Rose Me!Copy !req
1811. Gypsy Rose, not you!Copy !req
1812. Not you!Copy !req
1813. Or you!Copy !req
1814. Gypsy Rose...Copy !req
1815. (wails loudly)Copy !req
1816. Me!Copy !req
1817. (applause)Copy !req
1818. - Alright!Copy !req
1819. - Gypsy, yeah!Copy !req
1820. - Thank you!Copy !req
1821. Oh, thank you very much!Copy !req
1822. You know, we're all traveling.Copy !req
1823. You, me, that little gold guy over there.Copy !req
1824. We're traveling on the
big trip of life, and,Copy !req
1825. sometimes it turns out,Copy !req
1826. we haven't packed the right clothesCopy !req
1827. for our own personal journey.Copy !req
1828. I've been struggling to make ends meet.Copy !req
1829. The social worker stopped by today.Copy !req
1830. We'll get by, somehow.Copy !req
1831. Thank you!Copy !req
1832. (applause)Copy !req
1833. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
1834. I'm sick of fighting with you, boyfriend!Copy !req
1835. But I'm not going to walk out that door.Copy !req
1836. No, sir!Copy !req
1837. I'm going to run out that door!Copy !req
1838. (applause)
Thank you!Copy !req
1839. Thank you very much!Copy !req
1840. - She's a survivor!Copy !req
1841. - You bet!Copy !req
1842. You know, I've seen her before.Copy !req
1843. - Hey!Copy !req
1844. Is my act interfering with
your conversation, buddy?Copy !req
1845. (laughing)Copy !req
1846. You came three guys together, huh?Copy !req
1847. What, some sort of love
connection screw-up?Copy !req
1848. (laughter, applause)Copy !req
1849. Thank you!Copy !req
1850. Oh, thank you, thank you!Copy !req
1851. What a night, everybody!Copy !req
1852. But before I go, I wanna
tell you a little story.Copy !req
1853. A story about a gal,Copy !req
1854. who ran the higher functions
of a little satelliteCopy !req
1855. in a synchronous orbit.Copy !req
1856. A gal,Copy !req
1857. that everyone thought was
perhaps a little slow,Copy !req
1858. a little naive, a little simple.Copy !req
1859. But let me tell you
something about that gal!Copy !req
1860. She had spirit!Copy !req
1861. She had guts!Copy !req
1862. And most of all, she had a huge heart.Copy !req
1863. That gal was on her journey, and,Copy !req
1864. when her luggage ended
up on another planet,Copy !req
1865. that gal picked herself
up, dusted herself off,Copy !req
1866. and wore the same outfit
two days in a row!Copy !req
1867. That plucky little gal...Copy !req
1868. Is...Copy !req
1869. Me!Copy !req
1870. Oh, thank you very much!Copy !req
1871. (applause)
Oh, thank you very much!Copy !req
1872. Oh, thank you, thank you very much!Copy !req
1873. - We've got commercial sign,Copy !req
1874. I'll be right back on down to meet you.Copy !req
1875. - I'll be here all week, thank you!Copy !req
1876. (techno music)Copy !req
1877. - Hey, look, it's Skylab!Copy !req
1878. (whistling noises)Copy !req
1879. - Heheh, Mommy's back
and I've got presents.Copy !req
1880. - Now, open the bag and
release the blizzard!Copy !req
1881. May the North Wind bring snowCopy !req
1882. to blanket the land of Kalevala!Copy !req
1883. Forever!Copy !req
1884. - And may you stay forever young!Copy !req
1885. - Meanwhile, in Frostbite
Falls, Minnesota...Copy !req
1886. - We have some school closings today,Copy !req
1887. including Stockholm, public and private,Copy !req
1888. Oslo, public and parochial,Copy !req
1889. Helsinki Votech, Solomid junior high.Copy !req
1890. - Boy, that looks cold!Copy !req
1891. - Mm-hmm.Copy !req
1892. (all humming and singing)Copy !req
1893. On Plummus Bane, the annual
running of the goats!Copy !req
1894. (bleats)Copy !req
1895. - The Christmas that almost wasn't.Copy !req
1896. - It's not a fit night
out for man nor beast!Copy !req
1897. - The Day the Earth
became unseasonably cool.Copy !req
1898. - I guess everybody's gonna
blame me for this, too!Copy !req
1899. - Yeah.Copy !req
1900. - What? Oh, I thought I
caulked that thing, gah!Copy !req
1901. - It's like they moved
in with the Ingalls.Copy !req
1902. - Yeah, Little House on the Tundra.Copy !req
1903. - Geez, has to half and
half with her coffee.Copy !req
1904. Okay, dear, I'll wade through the blizzardCopy !req
1905. to get your half and half!Copy !req
1906. - The Shining.Copy !req
1907. - Actually, it looks kind of inviting!Copy !req
1908. - Moonlight in Vermont.Copy !req
1909. I'm gonna bury Gary in a pile of snow.Copy !req
1910. Doo doo doo.Copy !req
1911. - Merh, one little cup of coffeeCopy !req
1912. and she's gotta have her
friggin' half and half in it.Copy !req
1913. - Walking in my winter underwear.Copy !req
1914. - Hey, a penny!Copy !req
1915. - Watch out where the huskies goCopy !req
1916. and don't you eat that yellow snow!Copy !req
1917. - Uh,Copy !req
1918. Oh, hey, Aunt Roadie, the
old grey goose is dead!Copy !req
1919. - Rosebuuud.Copy !req
1920. - Rip Taylor's outside.Copy !req
1921. - Come on, I wanna come in!Copy !req
1922. Cause it's cold outside, ha!Copy !req
1923. I got a big prop I want to show you!Copy !req
1924. It's funny!Copy !req
1925. - It's true, first day of
marriage is the hardest.Copy !req
1926. - Hey, here's your damn dinner.Copy !req
1927. - I suppose you want me to clean that now.Copy !req
1928. - I'm not the pheasant plucker,Copy !req
1929. I'm the pheasant plucker's son.Copy !req
1930. I'm only plucking pheasants till theCopy !req
1931. pheasant plucker comes.Copy !req
1932. - I know, dear, I know.Copy !req
1933. Um, not on the good bench.Copy !req
1934. - Honey, it's a Swanson frozen dinner.Copy !req
1935. Oh, what's the use.Copy !req
1936. - We'll call it Trudy.Copy !req
1937. - Wait, she's wearing an
embroidery hoop on her head.Copy !req
1938. - One word: annulment.Copy !req
1939. - I'm afraid the poor thing is dead.Copy !req
1940. - Oh, the Sampo could have saved it.Copy !req
1941. - Oh, shut up with that Sampo!Copy !req
1942. - Soon we will all be like this poor bird!Copy !req
1943. - She's turning into a steak on legs.Copy !req
1944. - I can't even see your eyes, Annikki.Copy !req
1945. - Without thinking olives.Copy !req
1946. - That's the worst thing
about this twilight.Copy !req
1947. - You're in the house,
take your bike helmet off.Copy !req
1948. - I can't even remember
what color they are.Copy !req
1949. Let me look in your eyes again.Copy !req
1950. - Look, she's Swedish,
I'm guessing they're blue.Copy !req
1951. (cries)Copy !req
1952. - Yeah, well I'm gonna eat.Copy !req
1953. - Honey, we got any
orange sauce in the house?Copy !req
1954. - Duck!Copy !req
1955. With orange, duck with
cherry, a duck surprise, haha!Copy !req
1956. Duck without orange or cherry.Copy !req
1957. - Ilmarinen!Copy !req
1958. - Hey, what's the deal
with your sister, man?Copy !req
1959. - Ilmarinen.Copy !req
1960. - Duh, hamburgers!Copy !req
1961. Oh, sorry, dozed off on the old anvil.Copy !req
1962. - This...Copy !req
1963. - Sucks.Copy !req
1964. - Cannot go on much longer.Copy !req
1965. You must make a new sun for us!Copy !req
1966. - I'll use the Sampo to make one!Copy !req
1967. Ooh, wait, we don't
have one, that's right.Copy !req
1968. - I will do what I can.Copy !req
1969. - Not as I do.Copy !req
1970. - Huh, Grandpa rioted and
got a week in the hole.Copy !req
1971. - The Great Escape: 30 Years Later.Copy !req
1972. (Tom hums)Copy !req
1973. - Hruh-hurr-uh.Copy !req
1974. Well, I'm turning in.Copy !req
1975. Big day.Copy !req
1976. (robots singing)Copy !req
1977. - Hmm.Copy !req
1978. Why are they so bummed out?Copy !req
1979. - Oh, they just saw Captain Ron.Copy !req
1980. - Personally, I like Kurt Russell.Copy !req
1981. I love The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes,Copy !req
1982. but that's just me.Copy !req
1983. - No, no, the sun's bigger!Copy !req
1984. - Yes, we recall it being
quite large, really!Copy !req
1985. - And it's got, it's got spots!Copy !req
1986. - Mm-hmm, yes.Copy !req
1987. - What are you doing, Ilmarinen?Copy !req
1988. - He is forging a new sun for us.Copy !req
1989. - It is futile.Copy !req
1990. - No, it's fusion!Copy !req
1991. - To try to forge the sun anew.Copy !req
1992. The one thing left is to
release it from prison!Copy !req
1993. - Well then, you come up
with your own ideas, man!Copy !req
1994. - Take up your swords!Copy !req
1995. Your swords and spears!Copy !req
1996. Vainamoinen will lead us to Pohjola,Copy !req
1997. and we shall fight a
battle to release the sun.Copy !req
1998. - Not so, Lemminkainen.Copy !req
1999. - Have a seat, Lem.Copy !req
2000. - Against the wizards of
Louhi you cannot prevailCopy !req
2001. with a sword.Copy !req
2002. Of what use are your swordsCopy !req
2003. against their spells?Copy !req
2004. I will take all of you to Pohjola.Copy !req
2005. - A class trip?Copy !req
2006. - And each one of you must hold...Copy !req
2007. - A herring!Copy !req
2008. - In place of a spear,Copy !req
2009. - Oh.Copy !req
2010. - Or a blade,Copy !req
2011. - You're making this up, aren't you?Copy !req
2012. - A sweetly sounding...Copy !req
2013. - It's!Copy !req
2014. - Kantele.Copy !req
2015. - Or, I don't know, I'm just mad.Copy !req
2016. - A kantele?Copy !req
2017. - And if each of us carry one of them,Copy !req
2018. that's a thousand kanteles!Copy !req
2019. - [Vainamoinen] More than that.Copy !req
2020. - 1200 at least.Copy !req
2021. - And we have them, here in
these ancient pine trees.Copy !req
2022. We'll cut them down,
make the harps ourselves.Copy !req
2023. - Great, we spend the winter making harps.Copy !req
2024. - What are you looking at?Copy !req
2025. - Come, boys,Copy !req
2026. take all the boats down to
the shores of the frozen sea.Copy !req
2027. - Whatever.Copy !req
2028. - And you, women.Copy !req
2029. - Back me up on this one.Copy !req
2030. - You must take all your
jewelry of silver and gold,Copy !req
2031. all your earrings, all your bracelets,Copy !req
2032. - All your naughty things.Copy !req
2033. - And cast them into the
crucible of Ilmarinen.Copy !req
2034. He must have clear-sounding
strings for our kanteles.Copy !req
2035. - Yeah, first he has us making boats,Copy !req
2036. then we gotta do the horse,Copy !req
2037. now it's the kanteles, oh!Copy !req
2038. - This is the old guy's neck!Copy !req
2039. This is his head!Copy !req
2040. And this is his ribcage!Copy !req
2041. - Oh, he's got the Farrah Fawcett
exercise stick over there.Copy !req
2042. - Okay, who wants a hot dog?Copy !req
2043. Still gonna be a couple
minutes on the Brats.Copy !req
2044. - Just keep this burnt
one for me to nibble on.Copy !req
2045. - Honey, why don't you go get
those marinated steaks ready?Copy !req
2046. - Al, come on, don't be too careful.Copy !req
2047. We just gotta knock out these kanteles.Copy !req
2048. - Ow! Carved my own leg into a kantele.Copy !req
2049. - Hey, uh, anybody care
if I turn on the radio?Copy !req
2050. - Huh, can you believe it?Copy !req
2051. Two weeks ago we were in shorts out here.Copy !req
2052. - Ladies and gentlemen,
the Mormon Tabernacle ChoirCopy !req
2053. and Mountain Boys!Copy !req
2054. - Crow, you are out there, man.Copy !req
2055. - Thank you.Copy !req
2056. - But German potato salad
takes a little longer.Copy !req
2057. - It's a boy!Copy !req
2058. (quacking)Copy !req
2059. (techno)Copy !req
2060. - Oh, well the ice seems safe.Copy !req
2061. We shoulda brought the pickup.Copy !req
2062. - Oh, golly.Copy !req
2063. - [All] Cigars, cigarettes,
cigars, cigarettes.Copy !req
2064. - We come bearing honey baked hams.Copy !req
2065. - Tell me, my seers and wizards,Copy !req
2066. - Okay, you're ugly and you smell bad.Copy !req
2067. - What have we here?Copy !req
2068. - It's an army of warriors from Kalevala.Copy !req
2069. - Kalalalala?Copy !req
2070. - They are coming this way!Copy !req
2071. And there's too many of them to count!Copy !req
2072. - The year my voice broke!Copy !req
2073. - Come on!Copy !req
2074. - [All three] We want
the sun! We want the sun!Copy !req
2075. - When kings go senile.Copy !req
2076. - I thought it was a costume ball!Copy !req
2077. - They're gonna launch
him from a catapult?Copy !req
2078. (imitates catapult)Copy !req
2079. - What weapons do they carry?Copy !req
2080. - Harps!Copy !req
2081. - Harps!Copy !req
2082. - I wonder, do they think they'reCopy !req
2083. coming to a wedding feast?Copy !req
2084. - Ha, good one, your Hideousness!Copy !req
2085. - Liked it, liked it.Copy !req
2086. - Let's see.Copy !req
2087. Love, soft as an easy chair...Copy !req
2088. (clears throat)Copy !req
2089. - Take up your spears,Copy !req
2090. the ones pointed with shark's teeth.Copy !req
2091. - Ah, sure, as soon as this tune is over.Copy !req
2092. - Brandish your swords,Copy !req
2093. steeped in serpent's venom,
and kill every one of them!Copy !req
2094. - Uh, did you hear that, sir?Copy !req
2095. - Kill them all!Copy !req
2096. - You know, the music kind of
adds to the drama, actually.Copy !req
2097. - It does.Copy !req
2098. - It's all skate.Copy !req
2099. Everybody on the ice all skates.Copy !req
2100. - Stalingrad, the standoff dragged on.Copy !req
2101. - Don't listen to that music!Copy !req
2102. Wake up, cover your ears,Copy !req
2103. cover them up with your hands.Copy !req
2104. That terrible music'll kill us all!Copy !req
2105. - Yeah, well, we put up with your Kenny G,Copy !req
2106. you cow.Copy !req
2107. - Welcome to the Moody Bible
Institute, prayer hour.Copy !req
2108. - Uh, Grandpa, try another chord.Copy !req
2109. - He's doing self-indulgent jam!Copy !req
2110. - We must stop them!Copy !req
2111. Get your swords out.Copy !req
2112. Here's your knife.Copy !req
2113. - For once, I'm on her side.Copy !req
2114. - Use your arrows!Copy !req
2115. Unsheathe your broadswords.Copy !req
2116. Attack them, attack them!Copy !req
2117. - Argh, but I love a
Prairie Home CompanionCopy !req
2118. anytime I can sit and listen, I love it.Copy !req
2119. - And that's the news from Lake Woebegone,Copy !req
2120. where the men are strong,
the women are good-looking,Copy !req
2121. and the children are above average.Copy !req
2122. Oh, Bush Thompson's gonna
come out with the band,Copy !req
2123. gonna do a medley of songs about cats.Copy !req
2124. Then Jeanette Pool will do someCopy !req
2125. cat sounds, and then another episode ofCopy !req
2126. watching paint dry.Copy !req
2127. Then Claudia Schmidt'll come out, andCopy !req
2128. try and fill the gap in her teeth.Copy !req
2129. And Pat Donohue and Peter
Ostroushko are gonna favor usCopy !req
2130. with the story of the Swede
(snoring)Copy !req
2131. who didn't like meatballs.Copy !req
2132. Then, uh...Copy !req
2133. - Argh!Copy !req
2134. It's so hard to get
good trolls these days!Copy !req
2135. - Ah, ah, ah!Copy !req
2136. - Oh, it's a Mapplethorpe photo.Copy !req
2137. - Go forth, North wind, go forth!Copy !req
2138. Freeze the people of Kalevala!Copy !req
2139. Shroud them in the mantle of death!Copy !req
2140. (wind whistling)Copy !req
2141. - Don't look at it, Marion!Copy !req
2142. Don't look!Copy !req
2143. - I said, pump faster!Copy !req
2144. - Let's kick into our grand funk medley!Copy !req
2145. - Um, um, um, sir?Copy !req
2146. Um, maybe it's time to
break out the bagpipes?Copy !req
2147. - Ooh.Copy !req
2148. - I say,Copy !req
2149. I hear they call it Mariah!Copy !req
2150. - Well, whatever it is,
it's flippin' freezing!Copy !req
2151. - Yup.Copy !req
2152. - Okay, uh, do you have a plan B?Copy !req
2153. - Alright, new tune, everybody.Copy !req
2154. A one, a two, a one, oh, forget it.Copy !req
2155. (ice shattering)Copy !req
2156. - It's Patton!Copy !req
2157. - You do not belong in
this place of honor.Copy !req
2158. - 'Twas a rock and roll creation.Copy !req
2159. - The cream of wheat
stays with you all day,Copy !req
2160. and that's nice.Copy !req
2161. - Kinda lilting, isn't it?Copy !req
2162. - Go forth, my cloak,Copy !req
2163. to the army of Kalevala.Copy !req
2164. - Kalavalalala, right.Copy !req
2165. - And strangle those wiresCopy !req
2166. - Yup, strangle, wires.Copy !req
2167. - Who still remain on their feet.Copy !req
2168. - And feet, right.Copy !req
2169. Okay, bye.Copy !req
2170. - Soundtrack by Spike Jones.Copy !req
2171. - Boing!Copy !req
2172. - Hey, throw me the cape, oof!Copy !req
2173. - Uh, uh, anyone wanna throw in here?Copy !req
2174. - This has gotta be embarrassing.Copy !req
2175. - Yeah, on top of the whole Sampo episode.Copy !req
2176. - Ha, ooh yeah.Copy !req
2177. - Cloak took advantage of me!Copy !req
2178. (men struggling)Copy !req
2179. - We thought the cloak might
try something like this.Copy !req
2180. We were prepared.Copy !req
2181. - Oh, it's ruined, cause it said,Copy !req
2182. "Hand wash only in cold water", so.Copy !req
2183. - Stupid cloak, stupid
dumb old jerk cloak!Copy !req
2184. Just snap-stupid.Copy !req
2185. - I'm all ears, sir, sorry about that.Copy !req
2186. - Now, Lemminkainen, do you see?Copy !req
2187. Now you may go in and set the sun free!Copy !req
2188. - Oh, may I?Copy !req
2189. - Ah, this thing here?Copy !req
2190. - Yes!Copy !req
2191. - For the glory of Kalevala,Copy !req
2192. I am going to release the sunCopy !req
2193. - from prison!
- [Crow] Oh, just do it,Copy !req
2194. and don't screw it up!Copy !req
2195. - Remember the Sampo, buddy.Copy !req
2196. - Oh?Copy !req
2197. What do you want?Copy !req
2198. Keep awaaaay, keep awaaay!Copy !req
2199. Ohhh, the pain, the pain!Copy !req
2200. - Oh, well, that makes it a lot easier.Copy !req
2201. - Hey, Mrs. Witch, can
your sun come out and play?Copy !req
2202. - Hey, you know, you don't
like the weather in Sweden,Copy !req
2203. just wait a minute, you know?Copy !req
2204. - Swede blanket Bingo.Copy !req
2205. - I'll take Sweden, wow!Copy !req
2206. - So they headed for
central Minnesota, you know,Copy !req
2207. to build Crystal, and Blaine and Fridley.Copy !req
2208. And they made bars, and
sought out church basementsCopy !req
2209. for refuge.Copy !req
2210. - Oh, let's see if the TurglesonsCopy !req
2211. want to have a luau tonight, eh?Copy !req
2212. - Yeah, that's a good idea.Copy !req
2213. - Welcome, Greg Allman!Copy !req
2214. - Hi.Copy !req
2215. - And welcome, Roger McGuinn!Copy !req
2216. - Howdy.Copy !req
2217. - This is the most emotion
ever expressed in Sweden,Copy !req
2218. you realize that?Copy !req
2219. - I did the sun thing okay?Copy !req
2220. Haha!Copy !req
2221. - Thank you, Leatherhead.Copy !req
2222. - [Robots] Hehehe, hehehe.Copy !req
2223. - [Vainanoinen] May there always be,Copy !req
2224. - It's you!Copy !req
2225. You brought the birds!Copy !req
2226. You're evil!Copy !req
2227. - It's the end of the world!Copy !req
2228. - [Vainanoinen] There will always beCopy !req
2229. love in the world.Copy !req
2230. - D'awww, okay.Copy !req
2231. - Lemminkainen and
Annikki will be back in,Copy !req
2232. The Forests of Secrets and Lies!Copy !req
2233. - Neat, huh?Copy !req
2234. - [Voiceover] Lemminkainen
was played by John Powers.Copy !req
2235. - Not very well, granted.Copy !req
2236. - [Voiceover] Annikki, by Nina Anderson.Copy !req
2237. - Donations are being acceptedCopy !req
2238. at the Stockholm Spinal Research Hospital.Copy !req
2239. - [Voiceover] Louhi the
Witch by Ingrid Elheart.Copy !req
2240. - A woman?Copy !req
2241. - Yes, a woman!Copy !req
2242. - [Voiceover] Ilmarinen,
by Peter Sorensee.Copy !req
2243. - Know these faces, remember these names.Copy !req
2244. - [Voiceover] Vainomoinen,
by Elgin Tanner.Copy !req
2245. - James, at 92.Copy !req
2246. - If you see any of these people,Copy !req
2247. please, for their own sakes, turn them in!Copy !req
2248. - Well said.Copy !req
2249. - Finland, Finland, Finland.Copy !req
2250. (doors clanging shut)Copy !req
2251. - You know, Gypsy, I
just wanted to tell yaCopy !req
2252. how much I enjoyed your
one-woman show earlier.Copy !req
2253. It was so confessional,Copy !req
2254. there were times I actually
felt kind of uncomfortable.Copy !req
2255. - Oh, great.Copy !req
2256. You know, if you hadn't,Copy !req
2257. I would've felt I failed.Copy !req
2258. - Yeah.Copy !req
2259. - Well, I gotta go rinse some things.Copy !req
2260. - Okay, see you later.Copy !req
2261. (obnoxious whistling)Copy !req
2262. Hey!Copy !req
2263. What are you guys doing?Copy !req
2264. - [Tom] Guess!Copy !req
2265. - Um,Copy !req
2266. - [Crow] Give up?Copy !req
2267. - No, you're, uh,Copy !req
2268. you're the wind from today's movie.Copy !req
2269. - [Crow] Nice, simplistic answer, Joel.Copy !req
2270. But we've gone beyond that!Copy !req
2271. We are delicately wafting scents,Copy !req
2272. gently borne by the wind,Copy !req
2273. and caressing your rosy cheek.Copy !req
2274. - Okay.Copy !req
2275. - [Tom] For example, I'm
a lilac in the spring!Copy !req
2276. Aaaah!Copy !req
2277. - [Crow] I'm a slice of pie!Copy !req
2278. - Nice, creative idea.Copy !req
2279. - [Crow] Or I could be a pizza.Copy !req
2280. - [Tom] Oh, yeah, with
onions and a kind ofCopy !req
2281. low-gradet budge sausage!Copy !req
2282. - [Crow] Sure, sure.Copy !req
2283. - [Tom] You know, I suppose
I could be the wind,Copy !req
2284. but I'd be the wind that
comes from your friendCopy !req
2285. who manages the Realto theater,
if you know what I mean.Copy !req
2286. - [Crow] I'm the stench of bitter failure!Copy !req
2287. - [Tom] I'm James Coco's
oldest pair of boxer shorts!Copy !req
2288. - [Crow] I'm Dick Butkus!Copy !req
2289. - Oh, okay, okay, you two,Copy !req
2290. I think it's time for us
to read a letter, okay?Copy !req
2291. Let's just...Copy !req
2292. - [Crow] Hey, what was that?Copy !req
2293. - [Tom] Aah! It sounded
like fabric tearing!Copy !req
2294. - [Crow] We're going down!Copy !req
2295. Mayday! Mayday!Copy !req
2296. - I'm just, no, I'm just,Copy !req
2297. I'm just opening the mailbag, okay?Copy !req
2298. - [Crow] Oh, okay.
- Here's a letter,Copy !req
2299. let's put that up on still store, Cambot,Copy !req
2300. and there's a picture.Copy !req
2301. This one comes from a Donna Sweeney,Copy !req
2302. - [Tom] Hello, Donna!Copy !req
2303. - [Joel] And she says,
"I just want to tell youCopy !req
2304. "that my husband Brian
and I are the biggestCopy !req
2305. "MST3000 fans, and have
been so for many years.Copy !req
2306. (robots crooning)Copy !req
2307. "Currently my husband
and I reside in Germany.Copy !req
2308. - Ah, Germany!Copy !req
2309. - "My husband is an army
bomb disposal expert.Copy !req
2310. "I am enclosing a photo of
their bomb disposal robot,Copy !req
2311. "and I want to let you knowCopy !req
2312. "that he has been nicknamed Crow,Copy !req
2313. - [Robots] Huh?Copy !req
2314. - "in honor of Crow T. Robot."Copy !req
2315. - [Crow] Hey! Lemme see that.Copy !req
2316. - Wow, that's pretty neat.Copy !req
2317. No, I can't.Copy !req
2318. I think I should show this to Gypsy,Copy !req
2319. she's probably really like it.Copy !req
2320. - [Crow] Hey, hey, help us down!Copy !req
2321. I'd like to see that! Joel, Joel!Copy !req
2322. - [Tom] Can you give us a hand,Copy !req
2323. we'd really like to come down now!Copy !req
2324. - [Crow] Oh...Copy !req
2325. - [Tom] Joel, I, heh!Copy !req
2326. You might want to help us down,Copy !req
2327. cause we smell really good now.Copy !req
2328. I'm a T.J. cinnamon bun, mmmm!Copy !req
2329. - [Joel] Oh, I'm not, I'm not interested.Copy !req
2330. - [Crow] And I'm fresh applesauce!Copy !req
2331. Oh, he's gone.Copy !req
2332. - [Tom] Think he'll be back?Copy !req
2333. - [Crow] I don't know.Copy !req
2334. Hey, what's your bag smell like?Copy !req
2335. - [Tom] Oh, you don't wanna know.Copy !req
2336. (both shuddering)Copy !req
2337. - Frank, are you alright up there?Copy !req
2338. - [Frank] What do you care?Copy !req
2339. - Frank, I care a lot!Copy !req
2340. - [Frank] Then give me back my money!Copy !req
2341. - All you care about is money.Copy !req
2342. Well, maybe you need some time aloneCopy !req
2343. to think about your priorities!Copy !req
2344. - [Frank] Woaaah!Copy !req
2345. - Oh!Copy !req
2346. (camera blips)Copy !req
2347. (dramatic synth music)Copy !req
2348. (trolls groaning)Copy !req
2349. - What's going to become of us now?Copy !req