Pluribus 1x3

1. As you know,

2. the human race grew up alongside glaciers during the Ice Ages.

3. The cold stimulates ancient nerves.

4. It makes you feel a primal connection to the world.

5. We used over 300 tons of ice to create the hotel,

6. and guests are surprised to know how much snow.

7. Over 10,000 tons.

8. Wow, that's a lot.

9. Luckily, Norway has plenty of snow and ice.

10. These blocks were created

11. by carefully smoothing the ice on our river as it freezes,

12. then harvesting it for storage in a nearby cave.

13. Everything you see melts in summer.

14. We have different artists and artisans help us build again each year,

15. so every stay is truly once in a lifetime.

16. And here we have your room.

17. The Koi Suite.

18. Wow. It's brisk.

19. Our guest suites are slightly warmer than the rest of the hotel.

20. About three degrees below zero.

21. Not too, too cold.

22. It's quite invigorating once you get used to it.

23. As we say, you will feel som plommen I egget.

24. Like a yolk in an egg.

25. Okay, that's adorable.

26. Som... Som plommen I eggen? Eggen?

27. That's very good.

28. These fish were hand-carved

29. by famous Norwegian ice sculptor, Anders Skjeggestad Ruud.

30. He won the Boreal Forest Prize

31. at the Harbin Ice Sculpting Competition last year.

32. Beautiful. Isn't that beautiful?

33. - The bed is made of ice? - Yes. Isn't that charming?

34. And I highly recommend trying our complimentary house brandy.

35. - The bed is made of ice. - It is distilled locally from ice wine,

36. and I assure you it is quite special.

37. - These furs are very thick— - Ice. Helen,

38. we are sleeping on an ice bed.

39. I could've saved that hundred grand and frozen my eggs right here, yolks and all.

40. Now, one more thing.

41. Your bathrooms are around the corner, in the hall to your left.

42. And if you keep going in that direction,

43. you get to our hot tub deck, which is always open.

44. As I'm sure you've noticed, the sky is quite wonderful this time of year.

45. Anything else you need, please do not hesitate to let me know.

46. Thank you, Bjorn.

47. Thank you very much.

48. I hope you both have an enjoyable stay.

49. God natt?

50. Excellent. God natt til deg også.

51. Okay.

52. This is amazing.

53. How did I not realize that the bed would be made of ice?

54. We just flew 16 hours to get frozen like Walt Disney.

55. Walt Disney wasn't frozen. That's a myth.

56. And look at this place!

57. It was worth the trip.

58. I mean, do we absolutely have to go every wacky place Rick Steves recommends?

59. I mean, would it be so bad to stay somewhere that's not an experience

60. but just a really nice hotel?

61. Can't it be both?

62. Doesn't it feel kind of nice?

63. I mean, my skin feels so awake.

64. Oh, my God. Seriously?

65. Who knew? Hell is in Norway.

66. Come on. This is completely your bag.

67. You love feeling bad.

68. - What you doing over there? - Looking for your cell phone.

69. - Val should have numbers by now. - I already talked to Val at the airport.

70. Come over here. Get under these blankets,

71. - they're so soft. - You talked to Val?

72. What'd she say?

73. It's on the list!

74. Congratulations!

75. - Good. Great. - Yeah.

76. Now come over here. Have some brandy. It's so good.

77. Where on the list?

78. It's... Stop it. It's a best seller.

79. I know. I'm just curious where.

80. Top 20.

81. - Top 20. - Yeah.

82. But, like, closer to 11 or closer to 20?

83. You're impossible.

84. You're the most impossible best-selling author I know.

85. - Come over here. - Why?

86. Just come here.

87. Look at this.

88. That is amazing.

89. Oh, God, I always wanted to see it.

90. One time in Canada I came close,

91. but this is so much better than I ever imagined.

92. It kinda looks like a screen saver.

93. Oh, my God. Stop, stop, stop. Sit.

94. Here you go.

95. Yeah. Isn't that warmer?

96. Warmer than what?

97. You can almost hear it, can't you?

98. It's turning purple.

99. Look at that.

100. Guess what?

101. Sitting on a block of ice makes you feel like you have to pee.

102. Okay, so pee.

103. Yeah, but is the toilet gonna be made out of ice?

104. - What if I stick to it? - Pee or don't pee, but...

105. This is your captain speaking.

106. Fingers crossed, hopefully we've seen the last of that rough air.

107. Should be smooth sailing for a while,

108. so we're gonna go ahead and turn off that fasten seat belt sign.

109. Feel free to move about the cabin, Carol.

110. May we get you anything?

111. Nope. Who's flying today?

112. Carol, on the flight deck is Captain John McConnell and also—

113. First Officer Tom Deegan.

114. These individuals have a combined 51,619 hours of flight time.

115. And between the two of them, they've piloted every variant

116. of this capable and trustworthy Airbus A330 aircraft.

117. You're in good hands.

118. That's weirder than the gal from TGI Fridays.

119. You doing this because she freaked me out?

120. - That's an affirmative, Carol. - Please stop that.

121. It's much more spacious up in first class.

122. Sure you won't be more comfortable there?

123. It has lie-flat seats. You could get some rest.

124. I'm fine where I'm at.

125. Thank you.

126. Back in Spain, that was all the English speakers, right?

127. Anyone with conversational ability, yes.

128. Tell me about the non-English speakers.

129. Certainly. What would you like to know?

130. Anything. Everything.

131. Well, let's see. There's Bora Colak, a 68-year-old candy vendor in Istanbul.

132. He speaks Turkish and loves cats.

133. In Bali, there's Ida Ayu Dewi. Twenty-three.

134. Speaks Indonesian Balinese. She's a contortionist and a dancer.

135. Performs the Barong, the Legong Jobog. It's all quite exquisite.

136. I'm sure. Keep going.

137. Sidore Melis in Sardinia is a fisherman.

138. Or he was, but he's 89 and retired.

139. There's Mary Kuksie Akintola. Lives in Maseru, Lesotho.

140. What does she do?

141. Her family raises Basotho ponies, but she's only eight years old.

142. - She hasn't decided on a profession. - Next.

143. Abdul Kareem Alsharei lives in Aden, Yemen.

144. He's a 37-year-old muezzin.

145. Muezzin. That's a... What is that?

146. He sings the call to prayer.

147. He has a powerful tenor voice.

148. He also loves cats.

149. Okay. But are there any medical doctors?

150. Any scientists or an expert of some kind?

151. Yes. According to Time Out Magazine,

152. Takeo Kitanaka in Osaka makes the best udon noodles in the entire Keihanshin—

153. That's not what I meant. Nope.

154. All right, that makes... What?

155. Six.

156. So, you didn't say anything about the guy from...

157. Where was it? Paraguay. What about him?

158. His name is Manousos Oviedo.

159. We weren't aware of him for the first 33 hours.

160. He manages a self-storage facility in Asunción.

161. So far, he hasn't really communicated with us.

162. I wanna talk to him.

163. He only speaks Spanish and a bit of Guarani.

164. - Do you want us to translate for you? - No.

165. I'll manage.

166. First thing, once I get home.

167. We could try him right now, if you like.

168. He's been a bit reluctant to get in contact.

169. Try it again.

170. Hola, señor. Me llamo C—

171. I think we got cut off or something. Try it again.

172. Hola, yo soy Carol Sturka.

173. Estoy de los... United States—

174. ¡No me jodan más! ¡Déjenme en paz, putas!

175. Get him back.

176. Get him back.

177. ¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!

178. We're sorry, Carol. We don't think it was personal.

179. Bye, Carol.

180. Really, please let us know if there's—

181. Carol! One... One second.

182. We have something for you.

183. We gathered all the mail that was in transit for you.

184. We think you're really gonna like what's in the box.

185. Anything else we can do for you, just let us know.

186. Hi, Carol. What can we do for you?

187. What exactly do you know about what's in this box in my mail?

188. Helen ordered it for you. You'd been so stressed out on the tour.

189. You tried one in the Atlanta airport.

190. But you said it was too expensive, so Helen bought one online.

191. Did she?

192. She thought it would make a nice gift to celebrate the end of the tour.

193. A homecoming present.

194. Carol?

195. Okay, here's what's gonna happen.

196. You're gonna forget everything you know about Helen.

197. Every memory. Every thought she ever had.

198. Get her out of your head. Heads.

199. - Carol, we apologize if it— - Never mention her again.

200. Never think about her again.

201. Only I get to remember her, you got that? Only me.

202. Then how come your name isn't Big Dummy?

203. Well, there were already three other people in town with that name.

204. But that's beside the point.

205. One day I got up the courage to go up to Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper

206. and ask her why she always frowned.

207. Well, she had been born with no smiling muscles.

208. I pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down!

209. So from then on, whenever I'd go by, she'd stand on her head and wave!

210. What the hell?

211. - Good morning, Carol. - What's with the food?

212. It's the exact meal you had at that B and B you stayed at in Provincetown.

213. 2012? Remember? You were there to see the Indigo Girls.

214. You were very complimentary of the chef that morning. It really stuck with her.

215. - The sorghum flour pancakes— - So you took it upon yourself

216. to make me breakfast?

217. Well, we knew your fridge was pretty bare.

218. You've only got tonic water, half a carton of oat milk,

219. a jar of green olives, a jar of black olives, a jar of red olives—

220. - I told you Helen was off-limits. - Yes, of course, Carol.

221. So how the f...

222. How do you know what is in my fridge?

223. Theresa from Merry Maids.

224. You had them clean up just before you got home from the book tour.

225. Is the food not to your liking?

226. Would you like us to make you something else instead?

227. Nope.

228. I want you to leave me alone.

229. Shows what you know, fuckers. It's three quarters of a carton.

230. What... the... fuck?

231. - Hello, Carol. - What happened to my Sprouts?

232. Are you the Grinch who steals supermarkets?

233. So sorry. We're consolidating resources

234. to centralize useful items for distribution.

235. Food, medicine, anything helpful from stores or businesses

236. or what used to be private homes.

237. It's just more efficient.

238. Fine. Fine. I get it.

239. Is there something specific you need?

240. We can deliver to you anytime. Anywhere.

241. I am not going to call you every time I need something.

242. I don't want you waiting on me.

243. I am a very independent person. Okay?

244. I always have been. I fend for myself.

245. I just want my Sprouts back.

246. Absolutely. Will do.

247. Okay.

248. Great.

249. So, what?

250. Can we say Friday, maybe?

251. I just need a rough estimate of when I should come back.

252. We'll be there in a moment.

253. Carol.

254. May we sneak past you here?

255. - All set, Carol. Call us if there's... - ... something you want that's not here.

256. - We'll get it... - ... to you toot sweet.

257. Luckily, there were some Druid priests

258. who were in town for the opening of Stonehenge-land.

259. They said they could stop it

260. if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin.

261. I don't know why I raised my hand.

262. Damn it.

263. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

264. Hello, Carol.

265. So sorry to startle you. We didn't mean to do that.

266. Why are you turning off the lights?

267. Yes, we know. It was a mistake.

268. We had a little problem isolating your branch circuit.

269. They're back on now, right?

270. - The lights in your house? Okay. - Yes.

271. Why are you turning them off everywhere else?

272. For conservation.

273. Just the ones that aren't necessary. Which are, well, most of them.

274. What? Lights aren't necessary for you guys? You just see in the dark?

275. Oh, no. Not at all.

276. It's just that there's no crime to prevent,

277. and we're not working at night. Except for essential operations.

278. Water treatment, hospitals, things like that.

279. Right, so it's more of your efficiency?

280. Yes. You donated twice to the Sierra Club, so we felt you'd understand.

281. If you'd like, we'd be happy to restore the rest of the lights.

282. No. Screw it. Leave them off. Who gives a shit?

283. Carol, is there anything we can do to cheer you up?

284. Cheer me up? Why?

285. I'm fine. I'm so happy.

286. There is nothing wrong with me that a fucking hand grenade wouldn't fix.

287. You got one of those?

288. 'Cause I think that would be the perfect topper

289. for the greatest week in human history.

290. Fuck it.

291. It must've just been the excitement of the moment,

292. but they said the only way to prevent the eruption

293. was for me to crawl through their legs, up the volcano,

294. while they gave me my birthday whacks.

295. Well... and you're not going to believe this...

296. - Yeah? - Hi.

297. Sorry it took so long.

298. - A hand grenade. - Yes.

299. We thought you were probably being sarcastic,

300. but we didn't want to take the chance.

301. Were you being sarcastic?

302. Right. Of course you were.

303. Do you want us to take...

304. You know what? We're just gonna... We'll get rid of it.

305. Feel better, Carol.

306. Hey.

307. Do you maniacs drink?

308. It's okay.

309. You can bring the hand grenade.

310. Does the whole world get drunk when you drink?

311. Like, does some six-year-old in Sri Lanka slur his words when you knock one back?

312. No, it doesn't work like that.

313. How do you say cheers in Sanskrit?

314. Roughly it means, "May everyone be blessed."

315. Well, then. Shoot... Shoo...

316. Shoopy shoop shoop.

317. You know the word "vodka" is a diminutive of voda, meaning "water."

318. Very similar to the Latin aqua vitae, literally "water of life."

319. That becomes the Scandinavian akvavit.

320. Although the drinks are very different.

321. Fun fact, whiskey has the same root meaning.

322. It's Scots Gaelic from uisce beatha.

323. You don't say.

324. What gives this particular brand its distinctive smoothness,

325. it's distilled from both potato and corn.

326. It is slightly alkaline. Do you taste that?

327. Lower-shelf alcohol tends to be acidic.

328. The chief distiller learned the process from his grandfather.

329. And now you learned it by stealing it out of his brain.

330. How long do I have left before you turn me into a worker bee?

331. It's a hard thing to predict.

332. Scientific advances tend to ebb and flow.

333. That's not an answer. How long?

334. We're working round the clock.

335. It could be as soon as a couple weeks, or it could take months or longer.

336. That's quite the range for someone who knows everything that there is to know.

337. Regardless, sooner or later, I'm fucked.

338. Sorry, Carol. We have a biological imperative.

339. You people make no goddamn sense.

340. Do you know that?

341. "We wanna make you happy," you say.

342. "Your life is your own," you say.

343. And "agency." I've got all this agency, but...

344. I mean, I guess I have agency just until I don't?

345. Carol...

346. if you were walking by a lake, and you saw somebody drowning,

347. would you throw 'em a life preserver?

348. Of course you would.

349. You wouldn't think, you wouldn't wait, you wouldn't try to get consensus on it.

350. You'd just throw it.

351. So now I'm drowning?

352. You just don't know it.

353. Well, you people are brainwashed, is what you are.

354. I mean what could possibly be so great about this mind meld of yours?

355. Actually, let me guess. It's...

356. it's all beautiful scenery, and you feel nothing but contentment.

357. Just wave after wave of bliss and peace and everything is perfect.

358. It's like living inside a postcard, every second of every day.

359. Basically, it's every Rick Steves special ever, right?

360. That kind of bullshit?

361. Like you're taking a hike in the woods, and there's a warm rain,

362. and the trees are so tall you can't even see the tops.

363. Or you're having coffee on the canals in Amsterdam,

364. and it's like you're in a coffee commercial.

365. Or you're taking a walk at sunset on the most flawless beach in Croatia.

366. Or you're in Norway, above the Arctic Circle in...

367. In a hotel made of ice.

368. Under a pile of furs.

369. I told you that Helen was off-limits.

370. You are a bunch of mind-fuckers.

371. Wow, you got this thing really jammed in there, don't you?

372. Please, be careful with that.

373. Right. Like you would give me a real hand grenade.

374. Carol, if we may?

375. You gave me...

376. Shit. Shit. Fuck.

377. Oh, fuck.

378. Shit.

379. Okay. I'm gonna go get some help, okay?

380. It's okay, Carol.

381. Help is coming.

382. May we join you?

383. We're happy to say Zosia's doing much better.

384. There was some blood loss, but no real nerve damage.

385. She did get a pretty severe concussion that we're gonna wanna keep an eye on.

386. She's resting now.

387. Can we get you a fresh change of clothes?

388. Carol, your quick thinking really saved the day.

389. Why would you give me a hand grenade?

390. You asked for one.

391. Why not give me a fake one?

392. Sorry if we got that wrong, Carol.

393. If I asked right now, would you give me another hand grenade?

394. Yes.

395. Even after last night, you would give me another?

396. Oh, sure.

397. Okay, what about a bazooka?

398. And the thing a bazooka shoots? A rocket, or whatever.

399. Yes.

400. All right.

401. All right.

402. What about...

403. I don't know, a tank?

404. What about an atom bomb?

405. Why would you want one?

406. To blow shit up?

407. For kicks. I mean, does it matter?

408. You gave me a grenade, for fuck's sake.

409. It'd be okay to say no at this point.

410. That would be sane.

411. Not utterly batshit crazy.

412. If you truly wanted a nuclear weapon,

413. we would weigh the pros and cons with you.

414. We would explain that it would be very destructive—

415. Yes or no?

416. Ultimately...

417. yes.

418. Wouldn't necessarily feel good about it.

419. But we would move heaven and earth to make you happy, Carol.

420. Would you like an atom bomb?

421. I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.

422. Okay. Okay.

423. Would you like a cup of coffee?

424. One sugar, with oat milk, right?

425. - And maybe a pinch of... - You can go.