Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares 4x1

1. - Running a restaurant in Spain should be a dream,

2. but for 26 year old Laurence Davey it's a nightmare.

3. This is fucking critical.

4. That's not cooked, that's raw.

5. I'm not going to taste that yet, but it looks burnt.

6. - It's the worst meal we've ever had.

7. - He's in the shit.

8. - Five plates yeah, one, two, three, four five.

9. - The first thing I've spotted is dog shit.

10. And if I can't put him back on his feet,

11. he'll be on the next plane home.

12. When is one of you gonna step forward

13. with a pair of bollocks?

14. When are you guys gonna stop fucking around with excuses,

15. because that was fucking shocking.

16. Costa Del Sol, Spain.

17. For the first time, I'm abroad on a special mission

18. to rescue a failing British run restaurant.

19. During the summer months,

20. thousands of Brits will invade the Mediterranean coastline

21. and spend their hard earned cash.

22. And to cater for the masses,

23. more and more British restaurants are opening on the Costa.

24. Scampi and chips, sausage and chips,

25. fish and chips, barbecued chicken, fuck me.

26. Get it right here and you could be sitting on a gold mine.

27. How many portions of chips

28. would you serve per week, roughly?

29. - Well, we probably do in excess of 100 portions a day,

30. so seven or 800 a week.

31. - How are the chips?

32. - Very good.

33. - Yeah?

34. What would you do if I banned chips from here?

35. - I would not be here at all.

36. - Would you not come?

37. - Probably not, no.

38. - This is English totally and it's good English.

39. - Is there anything on the Costa

40. that doesn't come with chips?

41. - One more steak garnish please and a lamb shank.

42. I'll get that.

43. - One restaurant owner

44. who thought he'd spotted a gap

45. in the market is 26 year old Brit Laurence Davey.

46. 18 months ago he borrowed 40,000 pounds from his dad

47. and opened La Parra de Burriana, 500 metres off the beach

48. in the coastal resort of Nerja.

49. - This restaurant has great potential to be very successful

50. and very popular and it's in a great location,

51. but I've been doing it for a year and a half now

52. and I haven't seen any success whatsoever.

53. - Armed with his catering degree

54. and a few years managing night clubs and restaurants,

55. Laurence designed a Mediterranean menu

56. with a twist to lure the Brits away

57. from their egg and chips.

58. - My particular favourite,

59. king prawns in garlic and ginger and chilli served

60. with our signature chocolate sauce on the side.

61. It's not very popular

62. which kind of proves the adventurous side of my customers.

63. - With the prawns in chocolate sauce failing

64. to win round the Brits he lost 22 grand in his first year.

65. - I don't know whether I went about it the wrong way

66. or whether people don't want it

67. or aren't ready for it, I don't know.

68. - Since then he's broadened his menu

69. to a massive 72 dishes,

70. cooking everything from Chinese chicken to Turkish kebabs.

71. - I've even served chicken nuggets and chips

72. to an adult and I absolutely hate it.

73. I really hate it.

74. - But with takings down on last year,

75. he'll be lucky to survive the summer, let alone the winter.

76. I'm in Spain to stop La Parra from going under.

77. Hello.

78. - Hi.

79. - Hi, how are you? - Hi, very well, how are you?

80. - Very well, Laurence? - Yes it is.

81. - Good to see you. - And you.

82. - When did it start going really quiet?

83. When did it?

84. - We suddenly snapped about September last year.

85. It suddenly just went as if a light was switched off.

86. And it was just, it just died.

87. Ever since then we've been losing money.

88. - What did you know about a restaurant before you opened it?

89. - I did my degree, I did my own.

90. - No in terms of, that's training, in terms of.

91. - Sure, sure.

92. It was a nightclub in Cheltenham

93. and then became restaurant manager

94. of a big restaurant in London

95. and that's when I really said alright I'm doing it,

96. I'm doing really well, I was succeeding in everything

97. in what I'm doing, why can't I do it for myself?

98. They need me, they need me in Nerja

99. they really need me to do great stuff.

100. - Yep, and now you're 26?

101. - Yep. - And in the fucking shit!

102. - Yep. - How bad in the shit?

103. - I'm 102,000 Euros in debt.

104. - 102,000 Euros? - Yes, so.

105. - That's 75 grand? - 70 grand yeah.

106. - So the noose is really on your neck?

107. - I've either gotta make it here

108. or go back to London and pay back my father.

109. - Fuck.

110. The signature dishes are, what would you say?

111. - Signature dishes, we do a great prawns dish

112. with a chocolate sauce which I've done from day one.

113. - Prawns with chocolate sauce?

114. - Prawns with chocolate sauce yes.

115. - So it's starter and dessert at the same time?

116. Well fuck me that sounds different.

117. Right, let's see what a former night club manager

118. has to offer the Brits abroad.

119. Huge menu, extraordinary menu

120. and then different themes.

121. Flamenco, burger night, kebab menu, Chinese chicken or pork.

122. Confused as to what the fuck's going on.

123. If I'd wanted a Chinese I would have gone to one.

124. But I'm in Spain.

125. Let's hope Laurence's signature dish of prawns

126. in chocolate sauce gives me the flavour of the Med.

127. Cor dear.

128. I mean, it's worse than a chocolate sauce.

129. It's hot over spicy chilli chocolate sauce.

130. That's just stupid arrogance really,

131. trying to match something that's never going to go.

132. If that's how Laurence serves up fresh local prawns,

133. then I wonder what he's got in store

134. for my fillet steak kebab.

135. - Well he's gone for the kebab

136. which is our wow factor dish when you know it comes out

137. on the hook, so I think he gets to see that bit

138. of what we do.

139. - Fuck me.

140. Is that how they're always served?

141. Oh Jesus.

142. Fuck me.

143. It's the kind of thing you imagine Jordan eating

144. with her fucking hands behind her back.

145. Is someone taking the piss?

146. How can you expect something like that

147. and that to be cooked at the same time.

148. A fillet steak kebab.

149. It may not sound that exciting

150. but it should taste delicious.

151. And that in terms of presentation looks like a pile of shit.

152. If I thought my kebab was overcooked,

153. that's nothing compared to what's happening

154. to my crème Catalana.

155. What's all that smoke coming out of the kitchen?

156. Is everything okay in there?

157. - From your dessert, yes?

158. - From my dessert?

159. - It's just when they burn the tops.

160. - Burn the tops?

161. - Well not burn the top.

162. - It looks as though they've burnt the kitchen down.

163. Fuck me.

164. Well it's certainly burnt.

165. It looks like a fucking ice hockey puck.

166. Look at it.

167. It comes with an appointment at the dentist tomorrow morning

168. at 9:30.

169. Fuck me.

170. It's liquid and it's ruined.

171. So while you're sat with all these fresh ingredients

172. on your doorstep and the climate they've got,

173. the simpler it is, the better it's gonna be.

174. Unfortunately they've got more complicated

175. and trying to be clever

176. and completely lost the fucking plot.

177. The first rule for running a restaurant in Spain

178. is don't ruin good produce with fancy gimmicks.

179. Good food will always sell itself.

180. Laurence's novelty dishes may have been designed

181. to turn heads, but all it's done for me is turn my stomach.

182. The prawns, the flavour of the prawns

183. was extraordinary, fresh, vibrant.

184. Why do you wanna fuck around

185. and put chocolate sauce on there?

186. - Because I don't wanna be boring, I want to be exciting.

187. - I thought it was fucking hideous.

188. It didn't work.

189. But then I came to this fucking schlong, that kebab.

190. Have you actually ever sat at the table

191. and watched six customers

192. with this fucking donkey's dick swinging

193. in front of their face, it's hilarious.

194. - Well that is it, you know it's a talking point,

195. it's a wow factor.

196. - That's a wow factor?

197. - Yes.

198. - It's a fillet steak.

199. - Yes.

200. - It was tough as old boots.

201. I don't know.

202. - Well.

203. - Before you start fucking mouthing off,

204. let me just show you.

205. A cube that big and a cube that big

206. are not gonna cook the same time.

207. - That was my fault.

208. - Oh fuck me here we go.

209. Can I just finish a sentence first Sinbad

210. and then you can fucking come back on me in a minute.

211. That out there was embarrassing.

212. So it's painful, if it's painful for me

213. and you're a 102,000 fucking Euros in the shit,

214. fuck knows how you sleep at night.

215. - I don't.

216. You know I feel so shit about the whole thing,

217. but deep down I really want it to work,

218. I want my dream to come true.

219. - You're in Spain, you don't have to be

220. that fucking quirky to be good.

221. I'll see you in the morning.

222. I've certainly got my work cut out.

223. I get the feeling nightclub boy isn't going

224. to give up his novelty dishes without a fight.

225. Prawns in chocolate sauce, fuck me.

226. For the first time I'm in Spain on a mission

227. to turn around a failing British run restaurant.

228. Former nightclub and restaurant manager Laurence Davey

229. came to Nerja to conquer the Costa.

230. He thought his novelty dishes of swinging kebabs

231. and prawns and chocolate sauce

232. would win over the egg and chips loving Brits.

233. But the Brits aren't biting

234. and after sampling his food I can see why.

235. Laurence thought he was going to come over to Spain

236. and take it by storm.

237. He opened up at 24 years of age

238. using his dads fucking money.

239. He thought his balls were bigger

240. than the mountains and he thought he was going

241. to bring a Mediterranean twist with a difference.

242. He's got all the gimmicks

243. and he thinks by being simple it's too plain for Spain,

244. but you'd never think he's a 102,000 Euros in fucking debt.

245. It's mid August and Nerja is flooded with British tourists.

246. Restaurants on the Costa will make a quarter

247. of their annual profit in August alone.

248. Even La Parra will be busy and boy do they need to be.

249. - Okay, two chicken satay,

250. three pinchitas moranas, one prawn cocktail.

251. - Tonight is my chance

252. to see how La Parra copes with a full service.

253. With Laurence cooking the a la carte dishes alone

254. in the kitchen, his sous chef Norm

255. is grilling the kebabs and steaks on the terrace barbecue.

256. So this is your little dungeon then?

257. This is your. - It sure is.

258. This is where they lock me in for the evening.

259. - Yeah?

260. Laurence might not have much experience as a chef,

261. but he has been a restaurant manager.

262. Maybe his skill lies in employing the best staff

263. to do the best jobs.

264. - This goes up and down so I can higher or lower it

265. according to cooking temperatures.

266. - Fucking hell so it's a very modern updated barbecue?

267. - Yes it's more like a torture rack for food.

268. - A torture rack for food, he's not joking.

269. - Now in my book, I think that's well done now.

270. - Suffering on top

271. of the grill are 10 chicken kebabs

272. that have yet to be ordered.

273. - Why do you cook them so early on?

274. - I've only just done them.

275. - But they're cooked.

276. - Yeah they're coming off now.

277. - So they're not really barbecued are they?

278. They're almost like poached.

279. - Well they're poached.

280. - On a barbecue?

281. - Well I seal them off, poach them

282. and then finished them on the barbecue again.

283. - Kebabs grilled, poached,

284. left sitting in the heat,

285. they're hardly fresh off the barbecue.

286. But according to Norm,

287. there's plenty of life left in them yet.

288. - I usually use them tomorrow for one day.

289. I will use them tomorrow, these ones I've cooked.

290. - Are you out of your fucking mind?

291. - No I was letting myself go there

292. but I've told you the truth.

293. - I respect your honesty.

294. But do me a favour.

295. - Yes.

296. - Don't you serve those to the stray cats

297. after service tonight let alone the fucking customers.

298. - Okay.

299. - Thank you.

300. Fucking hell.

301. Rule number two for running a restaurant in Spain,

302. tourists might have holiday insurance

303. but that doesn't mean you can give them Spanish tummy.

304. When cooking on a barbecue don't take risks.

305. Does he honestly serve the fucking barbecued kebabs

306. the following night?

307. - Yes.

308. - It's your business Laurence.

309. - I know.

310. - And barbecues at the best of times are not the things

311. to be played with in the way that it's a toy.

312. And why don't you stop him serving?

313. - I don't know, Norm's Norm he's in a world of his own.

314. - And as night falls,

315. the world of La Parra becomes even darker.

316. Norm looks like he's preparing for a wake

317. and after seeing his kebabs I wouldn't be surprised.

318. It's like we're at fucking midnight mass here,

319. you know that?

320. - I know, I know, I know.

321. - What's that?

322. - That's the dynamo torch isn't it?

323. Right see what's going on here eh?

324. - Cooking by clockwork torch,

325. it doesn't get any more Mickey Mouse than this.

326. You need more light out here.

327. - I do need more light.

328. - What's the cost of a lightbulb?

329. - The well done fillet steak.

330. - Sorry? - Well done fillet.

331. - Well done fillet? - Yes.

332. - We haven't got that sweetheart no.

333. - I ordered a fillet steak about an hour ago

334. and it hasn't turned up yet.

335. I'm bloody starving hungry.

336. - The food may not be Spanish

337. but there's certainly something manana

338. about manager Alex's service.

339. They've been sat there over an hour for their main course.

340. He's cooking it and the plates are in there.

341. - Yeah.

342. - This fragmented fucking service is horrendous,

343. you know that?

344. Is it normal for customers to wait this long?

345. - Fraid so yeah.

346. I can't go any quicker than I'm going,

347. I'm going as quickly as I possibly can.

348. It's not as if I'm not trying.

349. - He can try as hard as he likes,

350. but no chef can cook 72 different dishes on his own.

351. To keep up with his orders,

352. Laurence has thrown everything on to his plancha grill.

353. It doesn't get any lazier than that

354. and he's depending on that plancha grill

355. to cook everything from fucking dorade,

356. to kebabs to chateaubriand

357. and then this fucking lazy med veg.

358. That is the most disgusting way I've ever seen

359. fucking good ingredients bastardised.

360. He may as well open a fucking greasy spoon

361. and serve egg and chips, because that is fucking disgusting.

362. The huge menu, the lazy cooking,

363. and the customers waiting hours for food.

364. Laurence has lost the plot.

365. I don't think I've actually quite ever been faced

366. with something that already so early on looks

367. like such an uphill struggle.

368. He's not ashamed, it's bullshit.

369. Especially when you're charging money for it.

370. That's not cooking.

371. It's day three and the hard work starts here.

372. If I'm to stand any chance of getting La Parra out

373. of the shit, this place needs a fresh start.

374. Forks on the floor, glass everywhere, cigarettes, chips.

375. Dog shit, fuck me.

376. I've seen some unsavoury things in my time.

377. Alex two seconds.

378. But dog shit in the dining area is unforgivable.

379. The first thing I've spotted is dog shit.

380. That's not good enough.

381. Are you happy with that?

382. - No I'm not happy with that, it's disgusting.

383. - Yeah that's the third time I've seen it.

384. Rule number three, running a restaurant

385. in Spain isn't a holiday.

386. There's a laid back attitude,

387. the fact that we're in Spain

388. so we can afford to be semi-casual

389. because we're dealing with tourists.

390. No are we fuck.

391. We're running a restaurant and the discipline here

392. can be the same in Paris, it can be the same in London,

393. it can be anywhere and thinking that it's good to work

394. in a dirty kitchen or a dirty restaurant

395. with dog shit in, forget it.

396. Manager Alex might be Laurence's best mate from college,

397. but he's clearly left his standards back in Britain.

398. If dog shit goes unnoticed,

399. then it's no surprise the kitchen is dripping in grease.

400. Your fryers are used a lot yeah?

401. - Yes.

402. - You put fresh oil in there all the time?

403. - We change them yeah.

404. - Yeah of course you do, yeah how often?

405. - Once a week.

406. - The oil would last a lot longer

407. if you got rid of all this stuff here look.

408. - Right.

409. - There you go, that's what you're cooking out of yeah?

410. - Right.

411. - Every time you're putting fresh oil in there,

412. it's making fuck all difference.

413. That's slodge.

414. With the restaurant having a much needed deep clean,

415. there's something else I want to clear up.

416. Last February Laurence put on a Valentine's dinner

417. for the local donkey sanctuary charity.

418. 100 British ex pats paid 30 pound a head

419. for a fund raising meal.

420. Rumour has it Laurence made a complete arse of it.

421. How bad did it go?

422. I mean was it.

423. - It was a complete fuck up.

424. It was an absolute disaster.

425. - In what way?

426. - The food was overcooked, dry, tasteless.

427. - What was the menu?

428. - We did the chicken liver parfait.

429. Which wasn't made until the morning

430. so it had no time to set.

431. A chicken dish wrapped in Serrano ham, baked in the oven

432. and the chicken was so dry it was like cardboard.

433. - Did you give it to them on the house?

434. - No.

435. - You charged them?

436. - Yep.

437. - Fucking hell, no wonder they haven't been back.

438. Rule number four, when you're running a restaurant in Spain,

439. don't piss off the locals.

440. When the tourists have gone home,

441. the local ex pats account for 80%

442. of your takings in the winter months.

443. Without them a British restaurant in Spain can't survive.

444. I'm heading into hostile territory

445. to make peace with the natives.

446. I'm off to the local donkey sanctuary

447. and hopefully after meeting them I want to see

448. if there's any chance that they'll actually come back

449. and give the restaurant one more fucking chance.

450. All I know about donkey's is they're stubborn.

451. This isn't gonna be easy.

452. I'm fascinated to get to the bottom

453. of what actually happened on that fund raising dinner

454. in terms of big event.

455. - I mean not being funny it was the sort of meal

456. that you're all waiting the next day

457. to have a very nasty trip into the toilet.

458. - What was the menu?

459. - The menu was pate initially.

460. - Yes. - Which was frozen.

461. - You needed a blow torch to defrost it on your plate.

462. - On the plate frozen?

463. - Yes. - Frozen on the plate.

464. - The main course was?

465. - Chicken stuffed with banana,

466. supposed to be served with asparagus.

467. - Banana?

468. - Yes.

469. - Banana and asparagus?

470. - It wasn't a very good combination.

471. - It was supposed to be his signature dish.

472. - Not another one with a fucking twist on there.

473. This became cancerous didn't it?

474. Because it spread like wildfire across the town?

475. - Oh yes, well it is a small town.

476. - Actually he was quite arrogant about the whole thing.

477. - If he thinks he can survive in a small town like this

478. with that attitude he's got another thing coming.

479. - Have you been back since? (women laughing)

480. - No.

481. - Is there any small fraction of possibility

482. if you could just think about it if I could convince you

483. just to put one foot in the door,

484. it would be a big fucking help I'm serious.

485. - Do you promise us we don't have

486. to eat chocolate covered prawns?

487. - Charging the local charity

488. for a bad meal smacks of unbelievable arrogance.

489. Laurence might have come to Spain

490. to offer the Brits something different

491. but so far all he's given them is pretentious novelty food.

492. I'm going to give him a taste of his own medicine.

493. Have a taste of that, smell first maybe and a little taste.

494. First off, a chocolate and prawn smoothie based

495. on Laurence's signature dish.

496. What does that taste of Laurence?

497. - Chocolate.

498. - Yeah you smell chocolate and then it tastes like cookies.

499. - Cookies?

500. Taste that one again.

501. - No thanks, I think it's fucking horrible.

502. - Okay.

503. Next a chicken and banana smoothie based

504. on the dish he served at the donkey sanctuary dinner.

505. - There's a texture in there which is quite stringy.

506. - Stringy?

507. - It's a stringy texture.

508. - So banana and string?

509. - Banana and something horrible in it again.

510. - Blindfolds off.

511. The first one is fucking prawns and chocolate.

512. Could you taste the prawn there?

513. - Well I knew there was something in there

514. that was not very nice.

515. - You didn't get it.

516. What I'm trying to say is you've got the best of prawns,

517. let them fucking taste of prawn.

518. Don't let them taste of prawn and chocolate.

519. This is the most painful smoothie

520. because it's a chicken and banana

521. and it's the fucking,

522. the dish that managed to piss off the locals

523. at the donkey sanctuary's fucking charitable event.

524. What the fuck were you thinking

525. about putting banana and chicken together?

526. Tell me so I can help you.

527. - Okay it was just a way of using

528. like a South American kind of influences

529. in the roasted chicken.

530. - You didn't fucking tell me the truth about the banana.

531. - No.

532. - And I'm a chef.

533. And I've done my fucking homework before I got here.

534. And let food taste of what it should.

535. It's not just mixing prawns with chocolate

536. and chicken with banana that's the problem,

537. it's the other 70 dishes on Laurence's huge menu.

538. Sit down.

539. I want to replace it with a dozen dishes

540. that he can cook easily

541. to stop the tourists waiting hours for their dinner.

542. Have you come to terms with trying to restrict the menu?

543. - Every time I try to think about it,

544. I think of the people that have asked

545. for those particular items

546. and why I shouldn't take them off.

547. I do get some returning customers

548. so I must be doing something right.

549. - Well where are these fuckers then?

550. Because I've been here for three nights on the trot

551. and I don't see the fucking return business.

552. You've given me the impression in such a short period

553. of time of knowing you

554. that I've got a young man

555. that's playing with his dad's money,

556. trying to fucking run a restaurant.

557. That's the impression I get.

558. - Well I think that's wrong

559. because I believe that what I'm doing is right.

560. If I didn't I wouldn't be doing it.

561. - I couldn't do this fucking menu on my own

562. with 72 dishes on there.

563. I couldn't do it.

564. Because you're not a fucking proper chef.

565. So if you're not a proper chef

566. then don't try and cook out of your box,

567. and unless that's gonna fucking sink in

568. and stay in your mind I've got no chance.

569. Laurence is refusing to reduce his huge menu

570. but it's the only way he'll ever cope

571. with a busy restaurant.

572. It's time to prove my point.

573. For tonight's service,

574. I've devised a three course Mediterranean menu

575. that will fly out the kitchen

576. and get customers served quickly.

577. A gazpacho soup, barbecued chicken with a warm potato salad,

578. and a roasted caramelised peach.

579. What's the twist?

580. - There isn't a twist.

581. - It's all fucking local.

582. That's it, there's no twist there.

583. Tonight customers will order

584. from Laurence's a la carte menu

585. but when he falls behind he'll switch to mine

586. and that will show him how quick he can serve customers.

587. I just want him to have that emergency menu

588. at the forefront of his mind, set his ego apart,

589. get that back in London for him to concentrate

590. on sort of accomplishing a fully booked service

591. with no complaints.

592. - Got an order for chocolate prawns.

593. He said you know earlier,

594. no one wants to buy chocolate prawns, he thinks it's shit,

595. a stupid idea, first order that came in, chocolate prawns

596. and carrot soup, so.

597. - It's nine o'clock and the orders

598. from Laurence's huge menu of 72 dishes are now flooding in,

599. but it's already starting to go wrong.

600. Look, look, it's raw it's not pink, it's raw.

601. It's raw.

602. It's red raw.

603. All I want you to do is just cook a fucking kebab properly.

604. - Well that's all I wanna do.

605. - Yeah please.

606. Right are you in control?

607. Yeah?

608. - Yeah.

609. - Yeah, that, I'm, not gonna taste that yet

610. but it looks burnt.

611. Laurence needs to push the button now

612. and replace his menu with my menu

613. if he's to avoid a repeat of last night's fiasco.

614. You wanna push the button?

615. - No.

616. - No, no, seriously.

617. - No.

618. - No, no seriously yeah.

619. - Not yet, not yet, no.

620. - Are you sure?

621. - Yes.

622. - Yeah?

623. This is nothing to do with your bollocks

624. and the size of your cock is it?

625. - No.

626. - Laurence's reluctance

627. to use my emergency menu means it's customers who suffer.

628. - And if I'm dead honest with you the lamb is,

629. everyone's saying the lamb's bone dry,

630. appalling really, really is appalling.

631. - What happened to that one there?

632. - It's not hot enough for them.

633. - That's not cooked, that's raw.

634. - But the complaint was that it's cold.

635. - Yeah you know it's cold because it's what?

636. - Raw.

637. - That's why.

638. When meals start coming back, Laurence finally cracks.

639. Right you alright?

640. - Yeah.

641. - You are yes?

642. - Yeah, I've called your menu in.

643. - You've called it away?

644. - Yeah.

645. - It's all done,

646. all you have to do is call it away,

647. hey and Norm's just got to put the fucking chicken

648. on the barbecue nothing more yes?

649. Thank you for pushing the fucking button.

650. Pushing out my emergency menu

651. should have been idiot proof but they've left it too late.

652. And in the hands of dumb and dumber it descends into farce.

653. - This was like put in 25 minutes ago.

654. - Yeah and I'm still trying to make it

655. to send food out, I can't stop start, stop start.

656. I'm doing my next order

657. which is two pork kebabs and a chicken kebab.

658. - No don't I just asked you.

659. - Yeah I'm gonna rush it.

660. - Norm, Norm, Norm.

661. - I'm looking for the cloth Laurence.

662. - Oh come on Norm if there's a time you need

663. to pull your finger out now, is right now you know that, eh?

664. - I know.

665. - Yeah.

666. - I've got two pork kebabs to make now.

667. - But why are we serving pork kebabs

668. when we've got the emergency menu on?

669. - I don't know, ask the waiter.

670. - Fucking hell.

671. There's little point in asking restaurant manager Alex.

672. - Are you guys on top of stuff?

673. How are your tables?

674. Do I need to go to any tables at all?

675. - He's so confused as to who's ordered what,

676. he's now serving food to tables with no one on them.

677. - They should be here, but they're not here.

678. Right okay go back to the kitchen.

679. - This place right now is the biggest shit hole in Spain.

680. It's fucking embarrassing.

681. Costa Del Shit Hole at it's best.

682. - It's the worst meal we've ever had.

683. - Well it's quarter to 12 now

684. and we got here at half past nine

685. and we've just finished the main course

686. so it has been a long wait.

687. - With customers worn out from waiting,

688. meals being sent back and now refunds being handed out.

689. Surely even Laurence can see

690. that by sticking to his stupid menu,

691. he's only got himself to blame.

692. I'm speechless.

693. So I don't know what to say.

694. Let's get to the crux, Laurence?

695. - I mean Norm was put under far too much pressure tonight,

696. you know he, you know your menu made him plate up

697. his own plates and do the starters

698. and the cold soups out there on the barbie

699. and he couldn't manage, it slowed him down too much.

700. - You're telling me that my menu fucked him up on the grill.

701. - He couldn't, he couldn't deal with it.

702. - Couldn't deal with what?

703. Putting the fucking bowl of soup out

704. that's already made for him?

705. - Well that was all, yeah, it was shown.

706. - When are you guys gonna stop fucking around with excuses.

707. When's one of you going to step forward

708. with a pair of bollocks and give me some fucking honesty?

709. Because I don't know where you were

710. 'cause that was fucking shocking.

711. Let me tell you something, you made a fucking good decision.

712. You pushed the button.

713. Whether you like it or not it was too fucking late.

714. An hour and a half late.

715. So whose fucking fault is it now?

716. Chef.

717. I'm fucking out of here.

718. Fuck yourself!

719. - Well he wanted me to be honest

720. and I told him what I thought.

721. Yeah maybe I should have lead with his whole menu,

722. but that's hindsight.

723. And in hindsight I should never even have done

724. this fucking project.

725. - It's day five

726. and there's storm clouds over La Parra.

727. I've never felt as bad about a restaurant

728. as I did last night and when I walked out,

729. I wasn't sure I'd be coming back.

730. It's pissing down.

731. But just when I thought things couldn't get any worse,

732. there was a break in

733. and nearly 4000 pounds was stolen

734. from the premises over night.

735. Morning.

736. - Morning Gordon, how you doing?

737. - Yeah fine.

738. First of all sorry about the news, fucking hell.

739. - Yeah it's not good.

740. - It's not good at all.

741. How much was it?

742. - Five and a half thousand Euros.

743. - Five and a half thousand Euros.

744. - She's not happy either.

745. - Well she's not much of a fucking guard dog is she?

746. Hey, and where's the, where's the safe?

747. It's not so much a safe but a cash tin in a filing cabinet.

748. - It's been jimmied here and down the sides,

749. it's still locked I haven't moved or touched anything,

750. this is how I found it when I came down.

751. We've then got the money box inside here.

752. - Unbelievable.

753. - They've left the small notes,

754. they just took the big ones.

755. - I mean I'm not being funny it's a filing cabinet.

756. - I know.

757. - Why would you leave five and a half grand in there?

758. The most important rule for any restaurant owner anywhere

759. in the world is always put your takings in the bank.

760. Jesus Christ.

761. - I've got to think long and hard

762. whether I can actually continue without that money

763. and now that maybe the clincher

764. that you know I won't be able to make it.

765. - It's not just a failing restaurant I'm dealing with

766. but an owner about to book his flight home.

767. If ever there was a time for Laurence to realise

768. that I'm here to help it's now.

769. You know it's your pride that you've got

770. to stop fucking worrying about.

771. Because how fucking proud are you gonna feel

772. at fucking Malaga Airport with your bags.

773. What are you gonna do, seriously?

774. Hello what the fuck are you going to do?

775. - Go home.

776. - Yeah go home with your fucking cock between your legs.

777. Yeah, yeah, and what?

778. Ring your mates and tell them

779. what a big fucking shit you've been in fucking Spain.

780. I don't go through that kind of bullshit

781. to fucking help turn a restaurant around.

782. I can't do it without you.

783. I've only one more chance to get through to Laurence

784. and get him listening to me.

785. You wouldn't go into a bull ring

786. without taking clear instruction from someone who knows

787. what they're talking about.

788. Laurence, (speaking in Spanish) listen to this man,

789. for the next five minutes,

790. because he's gonna show you

791. some very, very crucial moves.

792. I hope to god he ditches the arrogance

793. and listens to Matador Rafael more than he's listened to me.

794. Big fucking test for Laurence now he's got

795. to stand on his own two feet and show me

796. as the Spanish would say your cojones.

797. Show me you've got a pair of bollocks

798. and fucking use them.

799. Have you got your cojones?

800. - Si.

801. - Yeah?

802. - No problemo.

803. - Where?

804. - Where?

805. Currently tucked up inside.

806. - Fucking hell.

807. Out the way, watch out.

808. - Fucking hell.

809. - Where's your cojones?

810. - Oh it's a fucking, it's just a shit storm.

811. Don't think Spanish bulls like me very much.

812. Jesus Christ what am I doing here?

813. Oh fucking hell that's not a good sign.

814. - One thing he doesn't need now is stubbornness.

815. Get off your arse.

816. Come on get up.

817. - I'm not doing that.

818. - Come on, get out here, come on.

819. With Laurence carefully listening

820. to Raphael's expert advice, he starts to get the hang of it.

821. - I won one.

822. - You all right?

823. Rule number six, running a restaurant in Spain

824. is a risky business,

825. it pays to listen to some expert advice.

826. Fucking scary no? - Yeah.

827. - How do you feel?

828. - I feel like your point's been proven in a very big way.

829. - You have a big pair of cojones.

830. Now just fucking use them.

831. - Yeah.

832. - Well done, get some water.

833. - Yeah. - Fucking hell.

834. Now I've got Laurence listening,

835. I need to get him cooking like a proper chef.

836. Every night Laurence cooks everything

837. on this plancha grill to save time.

838. As a result it all tastes the same.

839. Fishy meat and meaty veg.

840. I want you to do now is cook an egg on that for me.

841. Whilst Laurence fries an egg on the plancha grill,

842. I'm cooking mine in a non stick frying pan.

843. I want to teach him how his lazy way of cooking

844. is tainting everything he serves up.

845. Okay, that's just with an egg, yeah?

846. What I'm trying to get through is all that there is what?

847. - Carbonised food from.

848. - Thank you.

849. - Ages and ages ago.

850. - Carbonised fucking shit.

851. And all I want you to do now is start thinking

852. about cooking in pans yeah?

853. I'm going to show Laurence that in the time it takes him

854. to cook a whole sea bream on his grill,

855. he could fillet it, fry it

856. and make a simple Mediterranean sauce.

857. What I'm trying to do Laurence

858. is make your life fucking easier you know that?

859. - Yes.

860. - And whilst I'm still waiting for yours I've

861. just gotta, an orange, a lemon,

862. a pink grapefruit, fresh basil.

863. Are you cooked yet?

864. - Almost.

865. - Out and on.

866. Now I'm not trying

867. to be some jumped up fucking smarmy arsed little fucker,

868. I'm just trying to explain you're busting your bollocks

869. the wrong way round, because I am not going to listen

870. to fucking Tom, Dick and Harry telling me

871. they want to sit and fucking compete with that

872. or sit and eat that.

873. I know which one you can do 10 times quicker

874. and 1000 times better.

875. Don't be scared to use a pan.

876. - Okay.

877. - Do you understand?

878. - He's drilled into my pride

879. and you know my arrogance has really shown through

880. and I've been a bit of an arse about it

881. and been stubborn and you know I'm really now excited

882. that he's here and I really wanna learn

883. and get this place moving.

884. - The penny might have dropped

885. but now I've only got two days to put things right.

886. Out with the old, in with the new, fucking bin them, yeah?

887. We're short of coal tonight.

888. With Laurence finally letting go of his huge menu,

889. it's time for a new beginning.

890. In its place I've created a small Mediterranean menu

891. using local produce.

892. Five starters including figs and Cyrano ham and watermelon

893. with feta cheese and six mains

894. including a pan fried sea bream

895. and a barbecued chicken on a warm potato salad.

896. - Actually cooking properly feels absolutely fantastic.

897. At last.

898. Limited menu, fresh ingredients, absolutely amazing.

899. - The menu will offer Brits something authentic,

900. fresh, and above all quick to prepare

901. and reducing 72 dishes to 15,

902. service couldn't be any simpler for restaurant manager Alex.

903. Got the menus?

904. - Yeah.

905. - Okay so what about this table here?

906. - I've just taken their order now.

907. - Okay good, okay let's go yeah?

908. The menu's simpler.

909. A lot easier.

910. We can do volume now.

911. Now we've got a chance to put the fucking thing right.

912. It's my final night and it's the relaunch

913. of La Parra's new menu.

914. I've only got one shot at this

915. and I can't afford any mistakes.

916. Changing you tonight, yeah?

917. You're coming off that barbecue,

918. yeah I want you connected to the owner as a sous chef.

919. - Okay.

920. - That's my decision and I'm sticking to it.

921. I'm putting sous chef Norm in the kitchen,

922. prepping cold starters

923. and pot washer Tom will take his place on the barbecue.

924. It's a gamble,

925. but I'm confident Tom will send the meat out cooked.

926. All you have to do is take the chicken off the barbecue

927. and put it onto the plate and send it yeah?

928. - Sure.

929. - Good.

930. - There you go sir.

931. - This evening isn't just

932. about launching a new menu, it's

933. about Laurence regaining his reputation

934. with the British ex pat community.

935. Six months ago he hosted a fund raising dinner

936. for the local donkey sanctuary, serving frozen starters

937. and chicken stuffed with banana it was a fiasco.

938. Tonight I've convinced them to come back.

939. - It's very nerve wracking having them here

940. because I know how much I upset them last time

941. and I know how much distaste they have

942. for the restaurant in general

943. and it's really nerve wracking for me

944. to know that I've gotta cook for them

945. and cook for them really, really well.

946. - Tonight will be the test,

947. whether or not the food is edible

948. that would be a good start.

949. - With customers getting their food on time,

950. the relaunch is off to a good start.

951. - It's quite refreshing to have something different

952. and not the same sort of chicken or fish with fries.

953. - A lot better than last year yeah.

954. - Phenomenal, nothing's come back.

955. Everything's cooked beautifully, yeah to be honest,

956. so far it's been a breath of fresh air.

957. Right donkey sanctuary just sat down yes?

958. - Yes okay we're on their starters now.

959. - Treat that table like a time bomb.

960. The starters arrive for the donkey sanctuary,

961. but just when I thought it was all going to plan,

962. Alex has forgotten to serve the wine.

963. How can you put the starters down

964. without the serving the wine?

965. Of all tables, come on.

966. At nine o'clock, the restaurant's full but bizarrely

967. there's a backlog of people waiting for tables.

968. It's Alex's responsibility to get them seated,

969. but he's flapping around like a headless chicken.

970. What's going on with these fucking tables waiting

971. in the bar for so long?

972. Table six?

973. - Table six, yeah I double booked it you see

974. at the start of the night

975. and I had to tell them

976. that you know we need to have the table back.

977. - Who do you tell you need the table back, the customer?

978. - The customer yes.

979. - What about the fucking kitchen?

980. They need to know first, because they've got to cook it.

981. - Yeah.

982. - So move your arse.

983. For some bizarre reason Alex

984. has got tables double booked within an hour.

985. No one can eat anything within in hour.

986. Embarrassing, I mean fucking embarrassing.

987. Alex has simply got greedy

988. in thinking they can turn tables around in an hour.

989. As a result, people are turning up

990. for their reservations,

991. but have nowhere to sit and in the kitchen Laurence

992. is now struggling with a backlog of orders.

993. On top of all that Alex has now gone into melt down.

994. Alex get a grip.

995. Alex, you can do it Alex.

996. - I know.

997. - You can fucking do it.

998. We're waiting on you.

999. - I know you're waiting on me

1000. and I really appreciate this.

1001. - This is fucking critical.

1002. Fucking hell, go, come on Alex please.

1003. - We waited for 40 minutes for a starter

1004. then sat with dirty plates for 45 minutes

1005. and then we were asked to leave the table

1006. because the next lot of guests arrived.

1007. - Five plates yeah, one, two, three, four, five, right?

1008. - Although under pressure,

1009. Laurence is at least coping with my reduced menu.

1010. - You've got three Cyrano, three water melon yeah?

1011. Finish those off in a minute as soon as I get these out.

1012. - I can only be grateful

1013. that Laurence got the donkey sanctuary main courses out

1014. before the shit hit the fan.

1015. - Very, very nice, I mean it was a lot nicer

1016. than chicken and banana I must admit.

1017. - The food is actually very good,

1018. I think everybody's quite pleased with the food.

1019. - If he can come up with this sort of deal,

1020. yes we'll be back again.

1021. - Yes but the service leaves quite a little bit

1022. to be desired I think.

1023. A lot more work on the service.

1024. - It's the end of the evening

1025. and Laurence's cooking has been a success.

1026. But Alex's double booking madness has let everyone down.

1027. We were so close Alex, so close.

1028. You can do better.

1029. - I know I can do better. - You can do better.

1030. - I know I can do better.

1031. - Turn round and tell him that, he's paying your salary.

1032. Fucking tough night, a real tough night, 87 covers

1033. and it was a struggle and the service

1034. was fucking pretty dismal.

1035. However the donkey sanctuary have confirmed

1036. they're gonna come back.

1037. That speaks volumes,

1038. that means the local community are now back on their side

1039. and quite frankly you can't ask for a more crucial time

1040. for them to support it

1041. because we're just about to come out of the summer season

1042. and into the fucking winter.

1043. And without their support,

1044. they won't get through the winter.

1045. In six days I've finally seen a change at La Parra,

1046. but once I've gone Laurence has only four weeks

1047. until the end of the season

1048. to make the money that will help him survive the winter.

1049. Remember, do not cut corners

1050. and don't make a fucking ass of yourself.

1051. Look, a stark reminder

1052. to make sure that standards never slip,

1053. don't make a fucking ass of yourself.

1054. That's gone. - Yeah.

1055. - That has fucking gone.

1056. Goodbye.

1057. - Bye.

1058. - I only hope La Parra's doors

1059. will still be open when I return.

1060. In the summer I spent a week at La Parra de Burriana

1061. on the Costa Del Sol.

1062. It was holiday hell.

1063. That's not cooked, that's raw.

1064. Former nightclub manager Laurence Davey

1065. was up to his eyes in debt.

1066. He had swinging kebabs.

1067. Is someone take the piss?

1068. Prawns in chocolate sauce.

1069. I thought it was fucking hideous.

1070. And his dishes with a twist had pissed off the Brits.

1071. - Quite appalling really.

1072. Really is appalling.

1073. - Laurence was so stubborn,

1074. he wouldn't give up his huge menu without a fight.

1075. - No.

1076. - Are you sure?

1077. - Yes.

1078. - Yeah?

1079. - Yes.

1080. - This is nothing to do with your bollocks

1081. and the size of your cock is it?

1082. - No.

1083. - After knocking some sense into him,

1084. I created a set menu

1085. of just 15 authentic Mediterranean dishes.

1086. And on the launch night we won back the local expat trade

1087. that Laurence had lost.

1088. - If he can come up with this sort of deal,

1089. yes we'll be back again.

1090. - Four weeks later, I'm back on the Costa,

1091. it's late September and most of the tourists have packed up

1092. and gone home.

1093. The beach front restaurants are deserted

1094. and Nerja feels like a ghost town.

1095. I only hope La Parra is faring better.

1096. Good to see you. - And you.

1097. - Yeah, how's the month been?

1098. - Busy, very, very busy.

1099. - Really?

1100. - Yeah.

1101. - Good.

1102. - Almost double last year, so.

1103. - That's fucking great news.

1104. - Yeah.

1105. - Good to see you. - You too.

1106. - How have you been?

1107. - Really good, yeah, it's been great.

1108. - Yes, busy? - It has been busy.

1109. - And you're working hard?

1110. - Yes.

1111. - Yes, less flustered?

1112. - Yes.

1113. - More organised?

1114. - We're organised, we're happy we're communicating.

1115. - And what's the special kebab tonight?

1116. - Special kebab?

1117. The special kebab is in the bin.

1118. - Great, donkey dick kebabs are off the menu.

1119. Norm's still in the kitchen preparing cold starters.

1120. Good to see you, my man.

1121. And out on the terrace is Tom.

1122. The former pot washer, now promoted as the barbecue chef.

1123. And has Norman sneaked out here again

1124. or is this your domain?

1125. - This is my domain.

1126. - It's your domain?

1127. - Yes.

1128. - But best of all,

1129. Laurence is no longer cooking on the plancha grill.

1130. - I haven't used it in about three weeks.

1131. - You haven't used the plancha grill?

1132. - I haven't touched it no.

1133. - Thank you.

1134. Fucking hell I really mean that yeah.

1135. You must miss it no?

1136. - No, I did, I did for about a week,

1137. I kept on going back to it, thinking shit where's my steak?

1138. But it was always in the oven.

1139. - Where shall we sit?

1140. Considering it's the end of the season,

1141. La Parra is reassuringly busy.

1142. Everything seems to be running more efficiently,

1143. there's an air of calmness around it

1144. and yeah it's a nice buzz which is lovely.

1145. Everything's gleaming, it's spotless.

1146. The menu is no longer the size of a telephone directory.

1147. It's one page and there are even some new dishes

1148. for me to try.

1149. - I was a little bit cocky that he'd love my food

1150. when he first got here.

1151. This time round I know that I really, really

1152. want to impress him now with these dishes

1153. and if I can't impress him now,

1154. then you know I've really fucked it up.

1155. - Here we are, here is the squid and chorizo.

1156. - Thank you.

1157. For my starter, I've chosen barbecue squid

1158. and chorizo sausage on a bed of rocket.

1159. It's nicely cooked, it's not too chewy

1160. and the chorizo sausage just gives it that little spice

1161. that squid needs and that's what you come

1162. to Spain for, dishes like this.

1163. For my main course I've chosen sea bass

1164. on a bed of creamed leeks,

1165. one of the new dishes on Laurence's autumn menu.

1166. There's just no comparison to what I was fed a month ago.

1167. It's just really nice clean, simple honest food

1168. and that's what this place needed,

1169. without any stupid fucking twists.

1170. Four weeks ago, Laurence was 75,000 pounds in debt,

1171. equivalent to a 102,000 euros.

1172. And La Parra was on the verge of closing down.

1173. What really shocked me about tonight's dinner

1174. is I can't believe it was the same guy

1175. that was cooking my dinner a month ago.

1176. That was delicious.

1177. - Thanks, it's an absolute pleasure to cook in here now

1178. and you know I'm not angry, I'm not upset.

1179. I'm just you know cooking the food that I love cooking

1180. and seeing empty plates come back clean

1181. and happy customers leaving the restaurant.

1182. - You took 3000 Euros this time a year ago,

1183. now you're on 9000 euros.

1184. What have you knocked off from the debt?

1185. - I've knocked off 13,000 euros since you were here last.

1186. - Cash?

1187. - Cash.

1188. - Already?

1189. - Yes.

1190. - What do you need to do a night

1191. to stay open during the winter?

1192. How many covers?

1193. - During the winter, 20.

1194. - 20, so already tonight with 33 or 34 in for dinner,

1195. we're not home and dry but we're fucking making.

1196. - Sure.

1197. - Great headway.

1198. Don't you fucking dare stop, yeah?

1199. And every time you think

1200. of stopping turn on the plancha grill yeah?

1201. Deep fry your fucking vegetables

1202. and fucking hit them on there.

1203. - Never again.

1204. - Good night.

1205. Tom.

1206. That was value for money, delicious, straight forward,

1207. local produce, cooked properly

1208. and he's not trying to be too fucking clever

1209. and if he can continue doing that,

1210. he's got a strong chance of surviving the winter

1211. and opening up next fucking season ready

1212. to attack it with some money in the bank.

1213. Thank god for that, the fucking penny has finally dropped.