1. - All right, people,
it's almost Thanksgiving,Copy !req
2. and that means the annual
Turkey Trot is nearly upon us.Copy !req
3. How is it that we haven't found
one sponsorCopy !req
4. to help pay for this event?Copy !req
5. - South Park's just fallen
on hard times, Mayor.Copy !req
6. Nobody's got the money.Copy !req
7. - Tegridy Farms used to be
a sponsor of the Turkey Trot,Copy !req
8. but as you know, we've recently
all lost Tegridy.Copy !req
9. So I'm afraid
we just can't help.Copy !req
10. - What about
the City Asian Pop Up Store?Copy !req
11. Can't they help sponsor
this year's race?Copy !req
12. - How City Asian Pop Up
pay for Turkey Trot?Copy !req
13. We gotta pay tariff!Copy !req
14. We more fucked than anybody!Copy !req
15. - Let's just face it, Mayor,
South Park businessesCopy !req
16. are dying and a lot of good
people have lost their jobs.Copy !req
17. - Trash?
Anybody got trash?Copy !req
18. - Oh, yeah, here's some.
Bank shot!Copy !req
19. - There has to be a solution,
people.Copy !req
20. The Turkey Trot is
the one time of yearCopy !req
21. this town comes together
as a community.Copy !req
22. We all need it now,
more than ever.Copy !req
23. - Well, of course,
there is someoneCopy !req
24. who'd be willing to give
South Park a bunch of money.Copy !req
25. I mean, they're giving money
to everyone else.Copy !req
26. Why not us?Copy !req
27. - My God.Copy !req
28. That's it!Copy !req
29. This Thanksgiving morning,Copy !req
30. lace up for holiday fun
and tradition.Copy !req
31. It's the 28th annual
South Park Turkey Trot.Copy !req
32. Sponsored by...Copy !req
33. Saudi Arabia!Copy !req
34. It's a 5K race
absolutely stuffedCopy !req
35. with Thanksgiving traditions.Copy !req
36. And the first one across
the finish lineCopy !req
37. wins their team $5,000!Copy !req
38. Sign up your team now!Copy !req
39. All ages are welcome!Copy !req
40. Disparaging remarks towards
the Saudi Royal familyCopy !req
41. are strictly prohibited.Copy !req
42. Start your Thanksgiving with
this time-honored tradition.Copy !req
43. The South Park Turkey Trot.Copy !req
44. - $5,000, you guys.Copy !req
45. The winner of this year's
Turkey TrotCopy !req
46. gets $5,000 from Saudi Arabia.Copy !req
47. Like, if anybody's gonna
get money from Saudi Arabia,Copy !req
48. it should be us.Copy !req
49. - And just one person
has to win the raceCopy !req
50. and your whole team
gets the money?Copy !req
51. - Yeah!
- Dude, that is crazy!Copy !req
52. - We should just get a bunch
of kids on our team,Copy !req
53. and then the chances of one of
us winning is way better.Copy !req
54. - Yeah, but then you gotta
split the prize money more ways.Copy !req
55. - It's true, man.Copy !req
56. I say we keep our team to four,
five runners, max.Copy !req
57. - Nobody said we wanted you
on the team.Copy !req
58. Yeah, you kinda slow us down.Copy !req
59. - Oh, no, no, no, trust me.Copy !req
60. You want me on the racing team.Copy !req
61. I happen to be an expert
in race science, you guys.Copy !req
62. I know a way to give our team
an optimal winning advantage.Copy !req
63. - Tolkien!Copy !req
64. Hey, man.Copy !req
65. Listen, I was, uh—Copy !req
66. I was just wondering whose teamCopy !req
67. you're thinking of being on
for the big Turkey Trot.Copy !req
68. - Turkey Trot?
- You know, the big footraceCopy !req
69. Thanksgiving morning?Copy !req
70. First place wins 5,000 bucks
for his whole team.Copy !req
71. - Oh.
I'm not really a runner.Copy !req
72. - Yeah, right.Copy !req
73. Of course you're a runner,
Tolkien.Copy !req
74. Sorry, guys,
just give me one second.Copy !req
75. - What the hell is he doing?
- I don't know.Copy !req
76. - All right, look, Tolkien,Copy !req
77. I'm a racing science expert,
OK?Copy !req
78. The data shows your race
always wins races.Copy !req
79. Whoa, whoa, Tolkien.
Tolkien.Copy !req
80. Come on, man, it's Thanksgiving.Copy !req
81. If you don't want to race
for yourself,Copy !req
82. then do it for the needy—
Kenny and Stan.Copy !req
83. I mean, Stan's family
lost their home, dude.Copy !req
84. Those guys could really use
the money,Copy !req
85. and all the analytics show
that with you on the team,Copy !req
86. we can't lose.Copy !req
87. Could you—could you just do it
for Thanksgiving?Copy !req
88. - All right, fine.Copy !req
89. - Yes? He said yes!Copy !req
90. - Jesus Christ, Mitch.Copy !req
91. A $5,000 prize
for the Turkey Trot?Copy !req
92. Everyone in town is gonna want
to do this race.Copy !req
93. - I was kind of thinking of
signing the family up, sir.Copy !req
94. We could really use some of that
Saudi Arabian dough.Copy !req
95. - Can't do it, Mitch.
We're gonna be busy on race day.Copy !req
96. Sir!Copy !req
97. The White house is calling
again.Copy !req
98. They're demanding
we release the prisoner.Copy !req
99. - Tell them we're busy.Copy !req
100. - But they said
if we don't comply,Copy !req
101. they're gonna send in
Pete HegsethCopy !req
102. and the Department of War.Copy !req
103. - Who's Pete Hegseth?Copy !req
104. - Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
105. Hey, what's up, guys?
This is Pete HegsethCopy !req
106. with the Department of War!Copy !req
107. We're here to infiltrate this
police station and extract a POICopy !req
108. 'cause that's what we do!Copy !req
109. At ease, soldier!Copy !req
110. The President of
the United States orders youCopy !req
111. to release custody of the
prisoner to me immediately.Copy !req
112. - I warned you
I had powerful friends.Copy !req
113. - Yeah, well, Totoro still
has to be processedCopy !req
114. and seen by a judge.Copy !req
115. And we have a big Turkey Trot
to deal with,Copy !req
116. so it's gonna be a few days.Copy !req
117. - Hey, man, I don't think
you understand.Copy !req
118. You're messing with
the Department of War!Copy !req
119. And we mean business.Copy !req
120. We don't stand down for anyone!Copy !req
121. Be sure to like and subscribe.Copy !req
122. All right, let's do this!Copy !req
123. - All right, I certainly don't
want to tangle with you guys.Copy !req
124. How about you just push
the secret button in the floorCopy !req
125. over here and the jail cell
doors will all open.Copy !req
126. - The secret button?
- Yeah, it's in the floor.Copy !req
127. Right there, you see it?Copy !req
128. It's right—there it is!
- Ah, ah, ahh!Copy !req
129. - Now get your little bitch ass
out of my town.Copy !req
130. - Oh, you—Copy !req
131. I dare you to do that again.Copy !req
132. - OK,
and did you already registerCopy !req
133. your racing team online?Copy !req
134. - Yeah, it's, uh, Jimbo and Ned.Copy !req
135. We're racing with
the Kiwanis Gun Club.Copy !req
136. - Yes, here you go.Copy !req
137. Good luck with the race,
happy Thanksgiving,Copy !req
138. and.Copy !req
139. - Uh, it's Mackey.
Mr. Mackey, mmkay.Copy !req
140. OK, Mr. Mackey,
and how many on your team?Copy !req
141. - Oh, I'm not on no team, mmkay.Copy !req
142. I need that sweet Saudi Arabian
money all for myself.Copy !req
143. - All right, guys,
we got our racing numbers.Copy !req
144. - Damn, dude, there's so many
people signing up.Copy !req
145. How are we ever gonna win?Copy !req
146. - Don't worry, you guys,Copy !req
147. I've been scoping out
the competition.Copy !req
148. That group over there
is the Rotary Club.Copy !req
149. They won last year, but
they're all, like, old now.Copy !req
150. - Over there is
the City Pop Up team.Copy !req
151. The race science says
they'll race smart,Copy !req
152. but not necessarily fast,
so we're good there.Copy !req
153. Oh, hey, Stan.Copy !req
154. You gonna do the Turkey Trot
this year?Copy !req
155. - Yeah. You guys are too?Copy !req
156. - Hell yeah, we are!
$5,000!Copy !req
157. - Oh, yeah, I'm sure
all four of you ladiesCopy !req
158. have a really awesome chance
of winning.Copy !req
159. - There's actually five of us.Copy !req
160. - Hey, guys, what's up?Copy !req
161. - Well, we'll see you
at the race.Copy !req
162. - All right, see ya!Copy !req
163. - They're teaching race science
to girls now?Copy !req
164. What the hell kind of country
are we living in?Copy !req
165. Commitment!Copy !req
166. Strength!Copy !req
167. The ability to obliterate
our enemies!Copy !req
168. That is the Department of War!Copy !req
169. What's up, guys?
I'm Pete Hegseth.Copy !req
170. We're outside
this woke liberal townCopy !req
171. that is actually
defying our government,Copy !req
172. and nobody defies
the Department of War!Copy !req
173. Pete Hegseth will do
whatever it takes!Copy !req
174. I'm here to kick bubblegum
and chew ass,Copy !req
175. and I'm all outta ass.Copy !req
176. I'll do whatever's necessary
to get the job done!Copy !req
177. Oh, yeah, look at that!Copy !req
178. That's the President of the
United States calling me,Copy !req
179. right now!Copy !req
180. Yes, Mr. President?Copy !req
181. - Hegseth!Copy !req
182. What the fuck are you doing?Copy !req
183. Did you get Peter Thiel?Copy !req
184. No, sir, we were unable
to extract the prisoner.Copy !req
185. We were met with resistance from
the woke local police force.Copy !req
186. - God damn it,
we gave you one job to do.Copy !req
187. We need Peter Thiel here
at the White house.Copy !req
188. - Sir, yes, sir!Copy !req
189. I'm gonna need the full might
of the Department of War!Copy !req
190. I'll need all our tanks
and guns and dudes!Copy !req
191. - Then you've got it.Copy !req
192. Just get us the prisoner,
no matter what it takes!Copy !req
193. - Hell yeah!Copy !req
194. - And Hegseth, don't just make
a bunch of content.Copy !req
195. Like, actually go
and do something.Copy !req
196. - Be sure to like
and subscribe, guys.Copy !req
197. Yes, sir, Mr. President!
I will make this town pay!Copy !req
198. - God, he is such a douchebag.Copy !req
199. - All right, men, we'll have
a full army here by tomorrow.Copy !req
200. And then that smalltown copCopy !req
201. is gonna see
he messed with the wrong guy.Copy !req
202. - It's the morning
of the big race,Copy !req
203. and all of South Park
appears to have turned outCopy !req
204. in the spirit of community.Copy !req
205. People are putting on
their numbersCopy !req
206. and rocking out
their festive costumes.Copy !req
207. I'm with Police Chief Harris,Copy !req
208. and Chief, your guys have been
working overtime.Copy !req
209. - Yeah, well,
we just want to make sureCopy !req
210. everyone has a safe
Thanksgiving morning.Copy !req
211. We want people to stay hydrated
and be responsible.Copy !req
212. Let's have a good Turkey Trot.Copy !req
213. - Now, of course, there's a lot
of money on the lineCopy !req
214. for the team of the race winner,Copy !req
215. and so some people
are turning to race science.Copy !req
216. - That's right, you know,
a lot of people these daysCopy !req
217. want to debunk science.Copy !req
218. You know,
vaccine's cause autism,Copy !req
219. jet fuel leaves chemtrails,Copy !req
220. but when it comes to
racing science, it's science.Copy !req
221. - Certainly a lot of runners
hoping to cash in today,Copy !req
222. so may the best turkey win.Copy !req
223. - All right,
you guys ready to run?Copy !req
224. We got this.
Come on, team, let's go!Copy !req
225. Where's Tolkien?
- Oh, you didn't hear?Copy !req
226. - I didn't hear what?Copy !req
227. - Tolkien says
he's not gonna race.Copy !req
228. - What do you mean
Tolkien's not going to race?Copy !req
229. - He said because it's being
sponsored by Saudi Arabia,Copy !req
230. he's bowing out
for political reasons.Copy !req
231. - Are you fucking joking?
- No.Copy !req
232. - God damn it, wait here!Copy !req
233. - Welcome, everyone to the 28th
annual South Park Turkey Trot!Copy !req
234. This is a wonderful turnout,Copy !req
235. and I'm sure you'll all help me
in thanking this year's sponsor,Copy !req
236. Saudi Arabia!Copy !req
237. - Holy shit!Copy !req
238. Holy shit,
we've got an Antifa uprising!Copy !req
239. All right, Department of War,
listen up!Copy !req
240. The people of this town
are starting an insurrection!Copy !req
241. But they will not stand in
the way of us getting our man!Copy !req
242. Tolkien!Copy !req
243. Tolkien?Copy !req
244. Tolkien!Copy !req
245. Dude, what the hell are you
doing?Copy !req
246. - Playing "Arc Raiders."Copy !req
247. - The guys said
you're not gonna raceCopy !req
248. because it's being sponsored
by Saudi Arabia?Copy !req
249. - Yeah, just doesn't feel right.Copy !req
250. - "It doesn't feel right"?Copy !req
251. - Yeah, doesn't feel right.
- "It doesn't feel right"?Copy !req
252. What, Tolkien, you don't like
that Saudi ArabiaCopy !req
253. is buying American stuff?Copy !req
254. They're trying to be
progressive, OK?Copy !req
255. You want them to go back
to what they were doing?Copy !req
256. You want Saudi Arabia to just go
back to cutting people upCopy !req
257. and paying Kevin Hart?
Is that what you want?Copy !req
258. - I can't see the screen.Copy !req
259. - Tolkien, you can't whine
about a countryCopy !req
260. trying to come into
the 21st century.Copy !req
261. Them wanting to help pay
for American things is good.Copy !req
262. 'Cause guess what?
If Saudi Arabia is outCopy !req
263. paying for sporting events,Copy !req
264. they're not out
hacking up reportersCopy !req
265. and inviting Pete Davidson
to come do comedy.Copy !req
266. - All right, everyone,
on your mark...Copy !req
267. Get set...Copy !req
268. - Holy shit!Copy !req
269. Shots fired!
Shots fired!Copy !req
270. Get set up over there!
We need content! Now!Copy !req
271. What's up, guys?
Pete Hegseth, Department of War.Copy !req
272. We are being fired upon!Copy !req
273. There's an uprising here.
Some kind of insurrection.Copy !req
274. Make sure to like and subscribe!Copy !req
275. - You can hear
the liberal terroristsCopy !req
276. all screaming
and chanting behind us.Copy !req
277. We're gonna take 'em on!Copy !req
278. Just another day
in the Department of War!Copy !req
279. Let's move out!Copy !req
280. - Did you know that since 2018,Copy !req
281. they actually allow women
to drive in Saudi Arabia?Copy !req
282. They allow women to drive!Copy !req
283. It's like practically a lesbian
utopia over there.Copy !req
284. - Can you please just let me
enjoy my Thanksgiving morning?Copy !req
285. - Oh, yeah, sure, who cares
about lesbian utopia?Copy !req
286. Not Tolkien.
Tolkien wants Saudi ArabiaCopy !req
287. to just keep chopping off
gay people's heads.Copy !req
288. That's way better, isn't it?Copy !req
289. You're being a dick, bro.
- Go away.Copy !req
290. - All right, Tolkien,
you know what?Copy !req
291. Fine.
If you really don't want to beCopy !req
292. a part of our country embracing
Saudi Arabia's desire to change,Copy !req
293. then we don't need you.Copy !req
294. - Hey!Copy !req
295. Hey, gimme back my Xbox!Copy !req
296. - Come get it, asshole!Copy !req
297. - Come on.Copy !req
298. Come on,
we gotta get that money.Copy !req
299. - The rioting terrorists
appear to be advancingCopy !req
300. north, northeast.Copy !req
301. Our plan, gentlemen,Copy !req
302. is to intercept them
at this location here,Copy !req
303. and get as much content
as we possibly can.Copy !req
304. It's quite possible we'll also
be needing to get contentCopy !req
305. in this area, so be ready.Copy !req
306. Third Battalion,
you'll be posting up here.Copy !req
307. I want you posting on Instagram
and Twitter.Copy !req
308. Alpha Team post here.Copy !req
309. Bravo Team content there.Copy !req
310. - All right, everyone, stand by.Copy !req
311. At ease, soldier.Copy !req
312. We heard there's
a civilian uprising.Copy !req
313. - Yeah, we don't need
Homeland Security's help.Copy !req
314. We got it.
- We're just here to assistCopy !req
315. in any way we can.Copy !req
316. That's what
Homeland Security does.Copy !req
317. Be sure to like
and subscribe, guys.Copy !req
318. We've got a—
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
319. This is not your content.Copy !req
320. Everyone like and subscribe
to Department of War!Copy !req
321. - Come on. Come on.Copy !req
322. You got this. I got it.Copy !req
323. - God damn it! Gimme my Xbox!Copy !req
324. - Tolkien, how can you not catch
up to me?Copy !req
325. You're not even trying!Copy !req
326. - I am trying!Copy !req
327. I told you, I'm not a runner!Copy !req
328. - Yes, you are!Copy !req
329. Will you stop fucking around?Copy !req
330. - Homeland Security
to Department of War.Copy !req
331. The protestors are headed
your way.Copy !req
332. - Stand down,
Homeland Security.Copy !req
333. This is our content.Copy !req
334. - There's too many of 'em!Copy !req
335. - Here they come.Copy !req
336. Everyone, hold your positions!Copy !req
337. Department of War will not
be intimidated!Copy !req
338. Hold.Copy !req
339. Hold!Copy !req
340. Fire the tear gas! Yeah!Copy !req
341. Dude.Copy !req
342. Dude, which way are we
supposed to go?Copy !req
343. I can't—I can't see nothing.Copy !req
344. - Tolkien? Tolkien!Copy !req
345. Where the hell did you go?Copy !req
346. What the hell's going on?Copy !req
347. - We don't know.Copy !req
348. - Well, how the hell are we
supposed to raceCopy !req
349. if they've blocked the road?Copy !req
350. - Look, all I know is thatCopy !req
351. the Stotch family is in big
financial trouble this year.Copy !req
352. We have to reach
that finish line.Copy !req
353. - You think you fucked?
We gotta pay tariff!Copy !req
354. That prize money is
our only chance.Copy !req
355. - Does anyone have
a Turkey Trot route map?Copy !req
356. - Yeah, I've got one here.Copy !req
357. - All right, let's see.Copy !req
358. So if this area's
all blocked off,Copy !req
359. then our best chance
at getting to the finish lineCopy !req
360. is detouring through here.Copy !req
361. - No, no, we should go this way
through the underpass.Copy !req
362. Are you crazy?
That's too much of a shortcut.Copy !req
363. We could get disqualified.Copy !req
364. - All that matters is that
it's OK with Saudi Arabia.Copy !req
365. Would going this way be OK
with Saudi Arabia?Copy !req
366. - There's no way to be sure
what Saudi Arabia wants.Copy !req
367. All I know is,
I need their money.Copy !req
368. So I'm gonna go out there
and take my chances.Copy !req
369. - What's up, guys?Copy !req
370. Pete Hegseth,
Department of War.Copy !req
371. We've got the Narco terrorists
on the runCopy !req
372. and we're gonna take 'em out.Copy !req
373. Yeah!Copy !req
374. - All right, buddy.Copy !req
375. I don't know
what you think you're doing,Copy !req
376. but I'm pretty sure I told you
to get the hell out of my town.Copy !req
377. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
378. Well, what do you think
you're gonna do about it?Copy !req
379. - Hello?Copy !req
380. Hello?Copy !req
381. Anybody?Copy !req
382. - Give me my Xbox!Copy !req
383. Ah!Copy !req
384. What is your problem, man?Copy !req
385. You could've made this
an amazing Thanksgiving.Copy !req
386. For Stan. For Kenny.Copy !req
387. But you just wanna play games.Copy !req
388. For the last time,Copy !req
389. just because I'm Black
doesn't mean I run fast!Copy !req
390. - Yes, you do.Copy !req
391. You just weren't trying
because you have a problemCopy !req
392. with Saudia Arabia joining
the global community.Copy !req
393. - That has nothing to do
with you being a racist.Copy !req
394. - Oh, I'm a racist?Copy !req
395. You want Saudi ArabiaCopy !req
396. to just keep stuffing
journalists into suitcases,Copy !req
397. but I'm the racist!Copy !req
398. - I'm going home.Copy !req
399. - OK, fine, forget it.Copy !req
400. Yeah, I will forget it!Copy !req
401. And I can think
whatever I want!Copy !req
402. - OK, you're right, Tolkien.Copy !req
403. - Yeah, I know I'm right!Copy !req
404. - OK, that's cool.Copy !req
405. Have a good Thanksgiving, man.Copy !req
406. - I will have
a good ThanksgivingCopy !req
407. 'cause I won't be listening
to your stupid bullshit!Copy !req
408. - Yep, sounds good.Copy !req
409. Enjoy the holidays
with your loved ones.Copy !req
410. - Oh, God damn it.Copy !req
411. - Yes! Race science!Copy !req
412. Race science!Copy !req
413. - On behalf of the Kingdom
of Saudi ArabiaCopy !req
414. and His Royal Highness
Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud,Copy !req
415. this year's Turkey Trot
grand prizeCopy !req
416. goes to the team
of South Park's very ownCopy !req
417. Tolkien Black!Copy !req
418. - We did it, dude.Copy !req
419. It's right there.
You see it?Copy !req
420. It's right there!Copy !req
421. - There you go.
Almost there.Copy !req
422. - All right, guys,
that about wraps it up.Copy !req
423. Let's get home
and eat some turkey.Copy !req
424. - You son of a bitch!Copy !req
425. The president will come for us!Copy !req
426. - Yeah, maybe so.Copy !req
427. Judge will see you Monday.Copy !req
428. - South Park's gonna pay
for this.Copy !req
429. They're all gonna pay.Copy !req