1. Will this day ever end?
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2. Yesterday did. But today's Friday. So, no.
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3. God, it's Destroy and Giveback.
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4. - Yeah, why do they call them that?
- You're about to find out.
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5. Hey, Foreplay.
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6. I believe this is yours.
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7. - You broke his pencil. That was great!
- And you gave it back.
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8. All right, enough horseplay.
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9. Pipe down.
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10. I said, pipe down!
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11. Now, I've got an announcement
before study hall.
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12. Whoever burned their initials
in the football field...
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13. I hope you're happy with yourself, punk.
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14. There will be no football practice today
until we've reseeded.
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15. And I've watched that team,
I'm not impressed, boy.
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16. Let me tell you,
they need all the practice they can get.
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17. On a happier note...
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18. Eric?
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19. Donna?
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20. Do you need something to do?
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21. Actually, we need to be excused.
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22. Donna and I are taking
pictures for the yearbook.
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23. Yeah.
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24. If you say so, Eric.
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25. You wouldn't lie.
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26. Well, I might.
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27. This is great. Eric Forman skips class.
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28. Yeah, danger is my middle name.
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29. Why are we moving?
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30. Mommy.
What are you guys doing in here?
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31. What are you guys doing in here?
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32. I cut class.
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33. What, was there like a fire drill
or something?
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34. No, look, I do bad things.
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35. Look, I've ditched class before.
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36. Is Opie getting angry?
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37. What did I tell you about calling me Opie?
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38. Opie, look out for that keg
in the middle of the road!
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39. Wow!
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40. It is a keg.
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41. Of beer.
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42. It must be a sign.
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43. Of beer.
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44. That's it, I'm cutting class every day!
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45. Hanging out
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46. Down the street
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47. The same old thing
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48. We did last week
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49. Not a thing to do
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50. But talk to you
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51. Whoa, yeah
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52. Hello, Wisconsin!
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53. How did you find it?
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54. We were driving down the road, man,
and there she was.
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55. It was a beer in the headlights.
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56. That is my first American joke.
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57. How often do you find
a mysterious keg of free beer?
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58. Only once in a while.
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59. You're right, Forman.
Man, you are absolutely right.
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60. - When God gives you a keg, you've gotta...
- Kill a virgin.
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61. No.
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62. Throw a party.
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63. Whoa!
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64. Go for it, Eric.
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65. Yeah, we'll throw a party.
Gonna charge $2 a head.
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66. $2 a head.
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67. A keg is equivalent to seven cases,
that's 168 beers.
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68. If we each drink three beers a piece...
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69. - No way, sophomores gonna drink one.
- True.
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70. Yeah, and the freshmen
will only drink a half.
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71. So that averages out
to 1.5 beers per person...
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72. which means we can invite 112 people.
That's $224.
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73. Cash.
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74. Which is decent.
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75. Okay, grab some ice out of the
deep freeze, I'll grab the tub.
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76. That is one sweet mama.
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77. Yeah.
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78. Hey, gang.
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79. Don't mind me.
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80. Just came down to do
an emergency presoak...
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81. on my nurses' uniform.
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82. You remember Mr. Wilbur, the fireman?
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83. He came in today with a sebaceous cyst...
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84. which is a pocket of fluid...
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85. that's kind of like
a pusy bath oil bead under your skin.
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86. And you think it's solid,
but if you take an instrument...
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87. and you pierce the core...
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88. and then you apply pressure
with your thumb...
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89. Hi, snicklefritz,
what are you doing with the tub?
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90. The tub.
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91. We were just working on a class project.
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92. We're making a volcano...
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93. snicklefritz.
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94. Out of ice? I think it might melt.
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95. You heard her let's move it, gang.
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96. Okay, have fun.
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97. - Guys, we've got to get the keg out of here.
- Where are we having the party?
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98. Beats me. If you guys need me
I'll be with Jackie...
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99. over at our secret make-out place.
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100. - Secret make-out place.
- It's this vacant house over on Sherman.
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101. I mean, this place is great.
It's totally private.
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102. I mean, you can get away
with about anything there.
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103. So, if you guys find a place for that keg,
let me know.
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104. I've got an idea!
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105. That's a Sylvania, isn't it, Red?
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106. You didn't buy that in my store, did you?
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107. No, Bob, I, got a good deal on it.
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108. You got me.
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109. You got me, Red.
Yeah.
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110. Well, I am just so excited.
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111. Rich Man, Poor Man.
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112. I missed the first episode.
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113. Here's the irony of the show, Kitty,
the rich, safe guy is boring.
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114. It's the poor, rugged one,
played by the very talented Nick Nolte...
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115. who is so exciting.
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116. Super. Now, who would like a drink?
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117. Let's do daiquiris.
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118. I don't know if we have enough ice.
Eric took a whole tub full.
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119. He took a tub of ice?
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120. The kids are making a volcano.
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121. Right, that's why Donna left
with all the plastic cups.
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122. - Plastic cups?
- Sure, plastic volcano cups.
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123. If I didn't know better,
I'd say they were having a kegger.
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124. Oh, jeez!
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125. Let's go, Bob.
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126. Rich Man, Poor Man, I love it.
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127. I just hope I don't get too emotional.
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128. So do I.
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129. Those kids could be anywhere.
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130. Needle, meet haystack.
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131. Look, they left the house
in a wood-paneled ocean liner.
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132. We should be able to find them.
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133. Yep, it's a real asphalt jungle out here.
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134. The sun goes down, the rats come out.
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135. I lost my mailbox last year.
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136. Yeah, you know what it is?
The evil spilling over from Sheboygan.
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137. How many stories do you suppose
there are in this naked burg?
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138. Eight, Bob. There are eight.
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139. Michael, this is our secret make-out place.
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140. I did not swipe the key
from my mother's real estate office...
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141. so that you could have a party.
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142. I know it's like a bonus.
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143. And I'm doing it for you, baby.
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144. Okay.
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145. Empty pool, empty house, full keg.
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146. You sure know how to show a girl
a good time.
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147. Yeah, I don't color outside the lines often...
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148. but when I do, jump back, Loretta.
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149. I don't care when you ate, Fez,
get in the pool now.
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150. If I get a cramp, it will be on your head.
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151. Okay.
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152. Hurry up and drink your keg.
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153. Hurry up and drink a keg?
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154. Jackie, will you just mellow out?
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155. I mean, this rules. We've got a keg,
and soon everybody's gonna be here.
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156. - Everybody?
- Everybody who matters.
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157. And for the first time,
Jackie, that includes you.
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158. No, get away from me!
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159. You heard her, let's drink beer.
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160. - Me first.
- No way, I spotted it.
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161. No, I saw it, too, I just didn't say anything.
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162. You saw a keg and you didn't
say anything? Back of the line.
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163. All right, how do you get the beer out?
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164. - Through the tap.
- What tap?
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165. No!
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166. Okay, we really need a tap here.
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167. I got my Swiss army knife.
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168. Great, we can whittle the beer out.
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169. All right, look, they sell taps
at the liquor store.
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170. Yeah, and who's got the money
to buy it?
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171. Why would I bring money
to our secret make-out place, Michael?
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172. Okay, I've got my gas money.
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173. No, Eric, we're not going to
take your gas money.
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174. It doesn't matter.
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175. By the end of the night,
we'll have made over $200.
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176. Yeah.
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177. Michael, how are we gonna make $200?
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178. I don't know.
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179. Who's buying the tap?
You buy, I'll fly.
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180. No, Michael, you are...
Michael, come back here!
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181. Michael,
I'm talking to you. Michael!
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182. Welcome to the pool. I am your host, Fez.
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183. $2, please.
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184. What is going on?
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185. I didn't want to tell you before...
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186. but we've taken it upon ourselves
to help your mom...
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187. show off the house at $2 a head.
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188. He's lying to Jackie, man.
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189. I lie to Jackie.
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190. You know, it seems to me
that the scrawny little neighbor boy...
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191. is willing to engage in criminal acts
for that saucy redhead next door.
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192. Shut up. How do you know he's not
doing it to impress his friends?
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193. You know, peer pressure.
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194. Because his friends aren't saucy.
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195. Kelso's saucy.
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196. Kelso? Please, I'm saucier than Kelso.
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197. Then the door burst open wide
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198. And my daddy stepped inside
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199. And he kissed my mama's face
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200. And he brushed her tears away
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201. The night Chicago died
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202. Would you turn that damn thing off?
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203. Keep your eyes peeled
for that Vista Cruiser.
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204. Okey dokey.
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205. Sorry.
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206. I see you've got some new steins here.
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207. Hi, I'm 25.
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208. I know I look young, but my dad
asked me to come down here...
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209. and pick up a tap for his keg.
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210. And he's 43,
so we're both legal. No problem there.
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211. I'm not going to be
drinking the beer or anything.
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212. 'Cause I don't believe in it
but no offense to you.
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213. - I think selling liquor is a great thing.
- Yeah, here you go.
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214. Yeah.
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215. - Because I'm 25, right?
- Because you've got money.
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216. - Yeah, but I am 25.
- Don't need to be. Can't drink a tap.
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217. No, I can prove it you.
I got my IDs out in the wallet.
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218. Happens all the time. Take care.
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219. Yeah, but I...
Leave, now.
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220. Yeah.
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221. Kelshmo. Whatcha got there?
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222. Boy, that was really funny...
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223. what you did with my name, Kelshmo.
I gotta go.
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224. I believe this is yours.
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225. - You broke his thing.
- And you gave it back.
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226. - Yeah, that was great!
- Yeah!
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227. So you see what I'm saying
about the poor man?
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228. Yes, you have made your point.
Many times.
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229. He's a bad boy,
he's had some rough breaks...
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230. but he isn't bad in his soul.
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231. Okay. Enough daiquiris for you.
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232. Kitty, what do you look for in a man?
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233. I'm married. I'm kind of through looking.
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234. Kitty, you can always look.
It helps you to fantasize.
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235. Like. Some nights,
I'm doing the news with Walter Cronkite.
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236. Okay, I'm just...
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237. You know, I'm gonna finish your daiquiri.
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238. - It's broken.
- I got duct tape.
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239. Duct tape? Do you know how much
pressure runs through that tap?
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240. I got a whole roll of duct tape.
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241. I can't work like this.
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242. Forman, you need to get
your dad's tap now.
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243. My dad doesn't have a tap.
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244. Red's got bicentennial swizzle sticks.
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245. He's got fake lemons with real lemon juice.
He's got toothpicks shaped like swords.
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246. Red Forman is a cocktail dad.
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247. And cocktail dads have beer taps.
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248. Yeah, come on, Eric,
we never ask you for anything.
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249. You guys ask me for everything.
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250. So, what's one more thing?
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251. No, forget it.
I've done enough today already.
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252. Count me out.
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253. Hey, Kelshmo, what, your tap is broken?
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254. Why'd you do something stupid
like buy a stupid, broken tap?
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255. What are you stupid?
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256. It wasn't broken until you broke it.
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257. Man.
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258. Don't beat yourself up.
You had no way of knowing.
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259. - Anyways, we gave it back.
- Yeah, broken.
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260. Lay off him, all right?
He feels bad enough already.
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261. - He should because he's a moron.
- What did you say?
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262. I said that you're both morons.
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263. What are you going to do?
You're gonna beat me up?
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264. What, you weigh
400 pounds together? It doesn't matter.
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265. The fact is that
the tap is broken and it's your fault.
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266. Morons.
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267. You are so rude.
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268. Give us our $4 back.
Okay. Fez.
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269. Familiar?
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270. Wow, Eric, you just tore their money.
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271. And gave it back. That was great.
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272. That was awesome.
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273. But enough of this levity, wench!
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274. We came here to have a party...
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275. and as God is my witness,
there will be a party!
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276. Nope, I haven't sold a keg all day,
but a young guy did come in for a tap.
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277. Young guy...
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278. Look, they got Pina Colada in a can.
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279. - Bob! We're doing something here.
- All right.
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280. You know, I might have heard
something about a party.
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281. Can't recall.
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282. Maybe Andrew Jackson could remind me.
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283. Andrew Jackson?
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284. He's not in.
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285. But Abe Lincoln's hanging out
with the Washington twins.
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286. Would they have any knowledge
of the festivities?
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287. So, a real wisenheimer, huh?
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288. Well, let's see how smart you are
when I snap off your head!
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289. Okay, man.
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290. They said something about
a vacant house on Sherman.
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291. I know that place.
It's the vacant house on Sherman.
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292. Good work, Starsky.
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293. Let's roll.
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294. Everybody in the deep end!
My mother is showing the house!
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295. - Now?
- People work.
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296. Okay, quiet down, everybody.
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297. The deck is new...
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298. and this lovely tile walkway
leads directly to the pool...
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299. Which is filled with some of the local kids.
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300. Heavily Caucasian.
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301. It's a nice neighborhood.
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302. Sometimes Bob pretends he's poor.
I call him Buster.
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303. He knocks on the door,
and I answer it in my teddy.
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304. And he says, "Does the rich lady need
any help around the house?"
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305. And I say, "I know a something
that needs attending to...
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306. "in the bedroom."
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307. I'll spare you the intimate details...
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308. but it ends in whoopee.
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309. You know, this is as much fun to make...
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310. as it is to eat.
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311. You know, speaking of which, how
do you get Bob to play those games?
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312. I have a reward system.
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313. You know, sometimes
Red would wear a sailor's uniform.
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314. Really?
Yeah, but he was in the Navy.
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315. Kitty.
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316. Does he still have
his sailor's uniform?
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317. No.
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318. Just has the hat.
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319. I stole my dad's tap...
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320. back from those thieves.
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321. - We were worried sick.
- You had us driving all over town.
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322. We missed Rich Man, Poor Man.
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323. - Excuse us, Red.
- What are you doing?
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324. - We're just gonna grab this keg...
- Get out of here!
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325. - We're not finished with this.
- Neither are we.
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326. Now, you take her home
and you wait for me. That's an order.
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327. Ditto.
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328. Come here.
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329. I can't stay mad at you with that cute face.
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330. Get your ugly butt home.
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331. My dad's gonna kill me.
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332. You're always saying that.
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333. Yeah, this time he's gonna kill me.
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334. I mean, I cut class...
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335. I trespassed, I had stolen beer...
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336. and then I swung into a pool
full of cops on a garden hose...
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337. carrying my dad's tap.
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338. Yeah, that was so cool.
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339. Really?
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340. Really.
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341. You looked dangerous.
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342. Did I mention that I killed a guy in algebra?
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343. Good night, killer.
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344. Bring it on, Red.
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345. I love that boy.
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346. - Eric's a good kid.
- And that Donna's real sweet, too.
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347. Man, that Donna's real hot.
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348. - That's my daughter.
- I'm just saying that...
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349. - I know what you're saying.
- All right, Bob, it's time to go.
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350. - We'll just take the...
- Get out of here!
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351. All right.
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352. Fine.
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