1. I had a great time
on our date tonight.
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2. Yeah. When do you think
Red's going to give you
back the keys to the cruiser?
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3. You know, so we could
actually leave the property?
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4. I don't know.
Maybe never.
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5. In fact, you're
my only contact
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6. with the outside
world now, Donna.
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7. Do people still
laugh out there?
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8. I miss the laughter.
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9. Well, Eric,
it's your own stupid fault.
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10. I mean, before you
opened your big mouth,
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11. Red actually believed
that smell was incense.
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12. Yeah, I know.
It's just...
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13. He was going to
kick Hyde out and
I wanted to help,
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14. and, oh,
helping never helps.
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15. All right, look.
Let's not waste time
talking about this.
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16. How long till curfew?
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17. About one minute.
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18. Now, Donna,
I'm not bragging,
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19. but if you're
properly motivated,
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20. I can actually do
it in that amount
of time.
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21. You don't have to tell me.
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22. Okay, so
buckle up, Donna,
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23. 'cause the next
12 seconds are all
about you, babe.
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24. Five, four,
three, two, one.
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25. No, wait! Damn!
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26. Curfew, hophead.
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27. Hello, Wisconsin!
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28. Jeez, I wish I had
a quarter for every time
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29. I caught you making out
with the neighbor girl.
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30. Wish I had a quarter
for every time
you embarrassed me.
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31. I wish you did, too,
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32. 'cause then
you'd be a millionaire
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33. and you could find
someplace else to live.
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34. What, and leave all this?
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35. Okay, fellas.
Who wants brownies
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36. and a nice
glass of milk?
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37. Oh, jeez.
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38. Daddy, I think it's great
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39. you gave Eric and Hyde
a curfew.
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40. These boys,
they need structure.
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41. Well, I'll see ya.
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42. Where do you think
you're going?
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43. To... night church?
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44. Sorry, honey.
Curfew's for everyone.
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45. But, Daddy,
it's me!
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46. Look, what they did is bad,
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47. but you sneaking around
with Kelso, that's just...
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48. Unpleasant.
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49. But, Daddy,
I'm not seeing Kelso.
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50. Untrue!
A damnable lie!
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51. A curfew?
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52. I'm stuck in this
house with you
people all night?
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53. This sucks!
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54. Well, we're just
thrilled about it.
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55. So, all right.
There's an upside
to all this.
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56. I took her down
with me.
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57. Nice job.
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58. Well, isn't this
a happy house?
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59. Yeah.
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60. This is not
a happy house.
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61. Well, you just said
this was a happy house.
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62. Well, that's
not what I meant.
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63. It was sarcasm.
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64. Well, who the hell
knows what you mean
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65. when you won't say
what you mean?
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66. I don't like
how you're treating
the children.
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67. Look, Kitty.
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68. I'm not gonna let our kids
go down the wrong path.
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69. But if you have
a better idea,
I'm all ears.
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70. Okay. Maybe you
could be a little
less strict
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71. and a little
more loving.
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72. Okay, Kitty.
Enough with the sarcasm.
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73. Stop looking at me!
Stop looking at me!
Stop looking at me!
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74. Please look at me.
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75. Hey, psst!
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76. I love you, Steven.
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77. I have
secret love powers.
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78. Look at me!
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79. Uh! I have 29 teeth.
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80. No, that can't be right.
1, 2, 3...
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81. Jackie's
in love with Hyde
and I have nothing.
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82. Oh, look!
I find an M&M!
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83. Oh, no.
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84. My life sucks.
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85. Okay, I really hope
no one smelled that.
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86. All right!
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87. I'm the best-looking person
in this room.
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88. No! In this whole town!
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89. No! No! In this whole state!
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90. No!
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91. Dumb asses.
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92. So, how's it going?
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93. Real good.
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94. The foreign kid just ate
something off the floor.
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95. Okay. Well, um...
Your father's gonna
drive me to work.
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96. That's right,
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97. and if you do anything
wrong, I'll know,
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98. because
one of you is a snitch.
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99. You just think about that
while I'm gone.
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100. Well, they're
not gonna do
anything wrong,
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101. because I
brought a box
of activities
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102. to occupy their time.
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103. So, um, be good
and have fun.
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104. Do crafts,
not drugs.
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105. Ooh, a model airplane
and glue.
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106. Where are
Steven and Eric?
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107. Um...
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108. Your hair
is very pretty.
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109. Oh, they can't
leave the house.
They're grounded.
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110. Oh, don't worry
about them.
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111. They're at the Hub.
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112. Oh, no.
I am the snitch.
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113. Oh, Red is
gonna be furious.
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114. Mrs. Forman,
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115. may I tell you a little
story about oppression?
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116. Okay.
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117. Once I had an ant farm,
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118. and they would not
build their tunnels.
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119. I was furious,
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120. so I became very strict
and stern with my ants.
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121. First they feared me
and everything was fine,
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122. but eventually
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123. the ants broke out
and attacked me.
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124. So I had to kill them.
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125. So, um, you think
we're being too hard
on the kids.
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126. Well, I don't know
about that.
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127. I just wanted
to let you know
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128. that I'm really sad
because my ants
are dead.
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129. Okay.
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130. Well, Fez, thanks.
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131. You're a good boy.
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132. All the ladies
want a piece of Fez.
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133. What are you doing?
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134. Oh, just a little
security measure
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135. in case anybody
tries to escape.
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136. Red, no. Those are
my Christmas bells.
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137. Those are happy bells.
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138. Then they're
doing their job,
because I'm happy.
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139. Let's have
some cake.
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140. Okay, and let's watch some TV,
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141. because that makes us
all happy.
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142. Okay, here we go.
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143. The Brady Bunch
Variety Hour is on.
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144. Oh, who the hell
gave those people
an entire hour?
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145. Well, I think
this program is fun
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146. for the whole family.
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147. They've got Charo
and the rock band KISS.
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148. Okay, see? Now,
this is nice.
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149. A nice family
who gets along
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150. and sings and dances.
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151. Yeah, I love the Bradys.
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152. Oh! Remember that episode
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153. where Mr. Brady
went completely insane
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154. and put bells
on all the doors?
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155. Hey, did you see
the one where Greg
was a real wise ass
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156. and Mr. Brady
took him outside
and cleaned his clock?
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157. Did you ever see the one
where I hated living here?
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158. That one's
my favorite.
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159. Well, I hope you're happy
because now you've
upset your sister.
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160. Oh, you know what?
Forget it, Dad.
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161. Enjoy yourself.
Get your shots in now
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162. because when I'm gone,
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163. oh, I'm gonna
be long gone.
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164. I got no place to go, so...
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165. I'm gonna stay here.
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166. But the tension's nice.
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167. Reminds me of home.
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168. Finally.
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169. Now I can enjoy the show
in peace.
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170. Oh, this show is crap.
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171. Yeah!
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172. Thank you, thank you!
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173. And welcome to The Forman
Bunch Variety Hour! Ha-ha!
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174. And, boy, do we have a
great show for you tonight!
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175. Sorry, Mom, we can't
stay for the show.
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176. No!
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177. Why not?
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178. Well, living at home
is unbearable,
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179. so we've decided
to run away.
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180. No!
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181. Yay!
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182. So, thanks for everything,
Mrs. F.
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183. Well, you boys
can't run away.
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184. Who's gonna
do the square dance
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185. with Shields
and Yarnell?
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186. Well, let Laurie do it.
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187. She's been making out
with Shields all day.
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188. That's a lie!
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189. Well, when will
I see you again?
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190. Don't worry, Kitty.
I'll take care of them.
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191. Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
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192. star of stage and screen,
Shirley Jones.
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193. Hi, Mom!
Hi, Mom!
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194. Mom?
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195. That's right, Kitty.
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196. We're Partridges now.
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197. This is gonna be great.
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198. I'm pretty sure
I can nail Susan Dey.
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199. No! Partridges?
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200. You can't live in a bus.
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201. There's no toilet!
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202. Well, it may be
inconvenient, Kitty,
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203. but we do get to
spend a lot of
time together.
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204. That's right.
Mrs. Partridge
quit her job
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205. to form
a family band.
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206. Yep. It's all a matter
of choices, Kitty.
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207. I guess you just chose
to be a bad mother.
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208. Hey, Shirley,
can I come?
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209. I play
the tambourine.
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210. Uh! I'm sorry, Laurie.
No whores on my show.
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211. Oh, fine.
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212. Hey, Shields, wait up!
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213. Aah!
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214. Coochie,
coochie,
coochie!
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215. Whoa, whoa,
whoa!
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216. Can it, Charo.
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217. Yah!
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218. Well, I am not going
to let that happen.
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219. Oh, no.
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220. This is crap.
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221. Oh, no. Honey!
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222. Yep. He thought
he could sneak out.
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223. So, what now, Ho Chi Min?
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224. Well, I'll tell you
one thing.
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225. Playtime is over.
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226. Your friends are no longer
allowed in the house.
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227. Wait. What?
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228. No. No.
We'll talk about it
in the morning.
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229. Fine. We'll talk about
it in the morning.
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230. We'll talk about how
your friends are no longer
allowed in the house!
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231. You know, I have
an interesting idea.
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232. Why don't we
not punish him?
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233. Why don't we try
a little of that
forgiveness
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234. that Jesus
was always
talking about?
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235. No. No.
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236. This is for his own good.
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237. Look. In order for
Eric to be a happy,
well-adjusted adult,
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238. he has to be miserable now.
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239. That's just good parenting.
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240. If I was to be
Mr. Nice Guy now,
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241. do you know what
would happen to Eric
in a few years?
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242. Do you?
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243. Oh, Eric! Breakfast!
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244. Well, there's my sweet
little baby boy.
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245. Why, oh, why
didn't I discipline you?
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246. Shut up and eat
your Cornflakes.
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247. Yah!
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248. That's what.
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249. Never surrender, Kitty.
Never retreat.
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250. We're winning.
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251. The fact that Eric
was desperate enough
to climb out his window
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252. shows that
everything is working.
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253. Surprise!
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254. This is so great!
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255. I didn't know you delivered.
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256. Bed check,
dumb ass.
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257. Holy crap!
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258. No, it is not
a bed check.
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259. We just want
to say good night,
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260. and we love you
very, very much.
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261. What are you doing?
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262. Oh, just nailing
his window shut.
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263. It's for his own good.
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264. What if
there's a fire?
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265. Well, then,
I guess you can
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266. just light your dope
with it, dopehead.
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267. Donna! Get out!
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268. Whoa! Not so fast, Laurie.
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269. Ah! Ah! Ah!
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270. You idiot! Red's
doing bed checks.
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271. Bed checks!
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272. And bless Mommy
and bless Daddy
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273. and bless grandma.
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274. Oh, hi, Daddy.
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275. Sorry to bother
you, kitten.
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276. Kelso, get your hand
off my ass.
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277. It was an accident.
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278. Shh!
It's still there.
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279. It's still
an accident.
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280. Kelso, it's still there.
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281. Yeah.
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282. What?
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283. You know, Steven,
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284. this hatred thing
you have for me
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285. is just you
protecting yourself.
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286. Okay.
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287. It's true. You're
afraid to reach
the peaks of love
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288. for fear of being
dropped off a cliff.
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289. Well, I'm your
safety line, Steven,
so grab me.
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290. Go grab yourself, freak.
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291. Okay, bed check!
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292. Here we come!
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293. Kitty,
you're warning him!
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294. I'm not
warning anybody.
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295. Getting closer!
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296. Okay, um...
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297. We just... we wanted
to say good night
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298. and, um, that
you're a good boy,
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299. and even though
you do some things
that we don't like,
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300. we still love you.
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301. And I'm watching you.
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302. And I'm cherishing you.
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303. Oh, no, Jackie.
They're still out there.
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304. What was that?
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305. Oh, and they want our pants.
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306. Do you hear that?
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307. I don't hear anything.
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308. That's right.
Nothing.
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309. That's the sound
of discipline.
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310. No, that's
the sound of jail.
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311. This house used
to be fun until you
made it miserable.
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312. Well, I'm sorry, Kitty,
but I think it's working.
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313. Oh, you do?
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314. Yes, I do.
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315. Oh, you do.
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316. I just said I did.
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317. Red.
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318. Oh, hell's bells!
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319. It's Red! Run for it!
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320. Freeze!
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321. Daddy, thank God you came!
They were kidnapping me!
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322. Oh, shut up!
That's it.
I have had it!
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323. You know
what this means?
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324. More discipline.
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325. No. No.
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326. Oh, yes.
Playtime is over.
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327. Oh, stop saying that.
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328. Your cracking down
is not working.
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329. Hell, I could
have told him that a week ago.
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330. Now is not the time
to be a porky mouth.
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331. Red, I want my house back.
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332. Once had an ant farm...
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333. Oh, honey, no.
Not now.
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334. Okay. Okay. Here's
what we're gonna do.
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335. You are going to remember
that he's a good son,
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336. and you are going
to remember that
he's a good father,
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337. because I am not
happy with the way
this house is running.
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338. Hah! Now you see
what you've done?
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339. You've made
your mother unhappy.
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340. No, he didn't.
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341. I'm not happy
with everything.
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342. I'm not happy
with windows
being nailed shut,
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343. and I'm not happy
with people
sneaking around,
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344. and I'm not happy
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345. with my
Christmas bells
on the front door.
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346. Well, Kitty, what do
you want me to do?
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347. Pretend
that nothing happened?
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348. Yes.
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349. No!
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350. Fine!
Then that's it.
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351. Then
I'm staying home.
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352. I'm staying home
full-time
Copy !req
353. and I am taking back
my house,
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354. and that's
the way it is.
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355. Now,
you get upstairs
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356. and take those nails
out of the windows
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357. and you,
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358. stop being such
a sneaky smart mouth
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359. and you... honey!
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360. You've got to stop
eating stuff
off the floor.
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361. Now, everyone,
let's go back
to happy!
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362. Ha-ha-ha!
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363. So, I guess
playtime is over.
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364. I'm sorry, dad.
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365. Give it to me
one more time, coochie!
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