The Bernie Mac Show 1x7

Rif Hutton as Guy near Animal Control Center

The kids get a dog from the pound, thinking it will be the perfect present for Bernie. Bernie finds the dog, hides it, thinking it is the perfect present for the kids. They think he took it back to the pound, so they try and get revenge.

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1. Go ahead on and laugh.

2. Bernie Mac don't care

3. because I'm a sucker

4. for Christmas.

5. Always have been.

6. Christmas make me feel

7. warm and cheerful.

8. I mean, grateful for

9. the blessings I receive.

10. And I got a lot

11. to be grateful for.

12. America, Bernie Mac

13. has been blessed.

14. But see those kids?

15. They had it rough.

16. They grew up poor,

17. like urchins.

18. Sure, they make me...

19. sick sometimes.

20. Give me a hard time.

21. That's all right.

22. They make my life

23. a living hell.

24. But they my blood,

25. and I love them

26. and I want to make this

27. Christmas special for them—

28. the best Christmas

29. of their lives.

30. And I'm going to do it.

31. Watch.

32. I'm gonna do it.

33. Vanessa?

34. What?

35. Do you think Uncle Bernie

36. would let us have a dog?

37. He doesn't even want us.

38. He wants me.

39. Okay, fine, whatever, but he's

40. not going to let us have a dog.

41. Okay.

42. I'm sorry,

43. but you can't stay.

44. Uncle Bernie doesn't

45. want a dog.

46. We don't want Uncle Bernie

47. to get mad.

48. So, where'd he come from?

49. He was standing right here.

50. He told me his name

51. is Buddy.

52. He's an angel.

53. Well, he is cute.

54. Hey, kids, come on.

55. It's lunchtime.

56. Quick!

57. We got to get him

58. in our room.

59. We have to hide him. Go, Go!

60. Coming!

61. So, that's your plan?

62. To be sneaky?

63. No, baby, it's the perfect way

64. to find out

65. what the kids want

66. for Christmas.

67. Listen, I'll take 'em

68. to the mall

69. we'll go window shopping.

70. If they ask me

71. to buy them something

72. I'll say "no" like

73. any other day

74. then I go back

75. and I'll buy it.

76. You are so cute.

77. I have never seen you

78. like this before.

79. No, baby, it's our first

80. Christmas with the kids.

81. I want it to be special.

82. You know, like big Mama

83. used to make it for me.

84. Bernie Mac, that's

85. so sweet.

86. Wanda, I remember

87. one Christmas, man...

88. we were so poor, all Big

89. Mama was able to get us

90. was a cardboard box.

91. And she drew on it.

92. She drew us

93. a little castle on it.

94. We were so grateful.

95. I had some good times

96. in that box.

97. Until the rain.

98. Sorry we took so long.

99. "Sorry"?

100. Sucking up for presents.

101. What you kids doing

102. this afternoon?

103. Like to go to the mall

104. with your Uncle Bernie

105. and have some ice cream?

106. Uh... no, no thanks.

107. Oh, come on.

108. Maybe you might

109. need something.

110. No, no. Do we need...?

111. No, I don't think

112. we need anything.

113. Well, baby girl,

114. that leaves you and me.

115. You want to go the mall

116. with your Uncle Bernie?

117. No. I want to stay home

118. and play with Buddy.

119. Play with Buddy?

120. Okay. Stay at home and play

121. with your dollies.

122. Guess it's just you

123. and me, baby.

124. You see that?

125. These kids have such

126. low expectations for Christmas

127. they can't even sniff out

128. a chance to get presents!

129. When I was their age

130. and it was Christmas

131. boy, I was suspicious

132. of everything.

133. That's probably how I

134. became so observant.

135. Can't get nothing past

136. the Mac man.

137. Nothing. Bernie Mac

138. on it, baby.

139. Shh!

140. Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

141. ( singing with

142. heavy patois )

143. Come on, Buddy.

144. Go, Buddy.

145. I love you,

146. Uncle Bernie.

147. Get on out of here.

148. Buddy, no!

149. Uncle Bernie's favorite

150. shiny shirt!

151. Well, it was,

152. anyway.

153. Hey! Who's in my room?

154. Go! Go on!

155. Come on, Come on, Come on!

156. Go, go, go!

157. Go, Buddy, go!

158. What's going on here?

159. It's just us.

160. I know what's going on

161. in here.

162. You do?

163. Of course I do.

164. You didn't think I wouldn't

165. find out, did you?

166. It was Vanessa's idea.

167. Stool pigeon!

168. No, no, come on,

169. come on.

170. I'm not mad at you

171. but I'm going to tell you

172. you ain't gonna find

173. no presents in here

174. so y'all might as well

175. get on and get...

176. Well, you caught us.

177. Guess we can't put

178. one over on Bernie Mac.

179. Guess you're right.

180. Yeah.

181. Hmm.

182. Y'all get on...

183. get on out of here.

184. Oh, look at that!

185. I mean, look at those kids.

186. They weren't trying

187. to find presents.

188. They were trying to find out

189. my shirt size

190. to buy me a present.

191. Probably been saving

192. their pennies for months.

193. They are some good kids.

194. Even the evil one

195. is being an angel.

196. See, America?

197. My hard-ass,

198. old-school parenting ways

199. are starting to pay off.

200. It's a wonderful life.

201. It's beautiful.

202. Bernie?

203. Coming!

204. I got to go.

205. Here I come.

206. Which one of y'all did this?

207. Look at me!

208. Why, you li...

209. Let me tell you something.

210. I want you to clean

211. this mess up.

212. I want you to clean it up

213. right now...

214. Look out.

215. Look at this.

216. This is my Bruno Magli.

217. Look at this.

218. Looks like somebody

219. chewed it.

220. Which one of y'all

221. did this?

222. Baby girl, you did this?

223. What possessed you

224. to chew a shoe?

225. An Italian leather shoe?

226. What's wrong,

227. Baby?

228. Oh, my Lord.

229. That's foul.

230. That's disgusting.

231. Filthy!

232. I did that.

233. Son, you did that?

234. Jordan, what's wrong

235. with you?

236. Son, we got four bathrooms

237. in the house!

238. You could have went

239. outside or something.

240. Why didn't you get

241. a box?

242. What was it...

243. Buddy, no! You're supposed

244. to wait in the closet!

245. Merry Christmas.

246. Merry Christmas.

247. Uh... uh-uh.

248. Come on, now.

249. You see these kids.

250. They're sneaky!

251. Deceitful! I don't want

252. to have to kill one of them.

253. I'm telling you,

254. it's Christmas.

255. You send me some help, Lord.

256. Send me an angel, an elf.

257. Send me one of them lucky

258. midgets with a pot of gold.

259. I'm desperate.

260. Somebody going to get

261. physically hurt.

262. Gonna be a discrepancy.

263. No!

264. Uncle Bernie, please.

265. I hope you all got a receipt

266. 'cause this dog is going back.

267. Shut up before I drop your ass

268. off in Koreatown.

269. Now, hold on, America,

270. don't start writing no letters.

271. I'm just kidding.

272. But am I lying?

273. Please, Uncle Bernie,

274. let us keep it, please.

275. Please, Uncle Bernie.

276. We'll take care of him,

277. I promise.

278. Nuh-uh, no way.

279. This dog is going back

280. to the doggone pound right now.

281. I ain't got to work out, do I?

282. Now what am I going to do

283. with those kids?

284. They gave me

285. the perfect gift idea.

286. See, I can always punish them

287. for being deceitful

288. but how often can I give them

289. the perfect Christmas gift?

290. I'm going to take him to the vet

291. get him all cleaned up.

292. They're going to be so thrilled

293. with this dog.

294. I can hear them,

295. "Please, Uncle Bernie

296. Please, we'll take care of him.

297. Pretty please?"

298. No.

299. Good boy.

300. Come on, get up there.

301. Get up there.

302. Good boy.

303. Bernie Mac,

304. that is so sneaky.

305. I know,

306. isn't it great?

307. Listen, go in there

308. and keep them busy.

309. I'm going to drive around

310. the block a couple of times

311. then put the dog

312. in the pool shed.

313. Okay.

314. Go ahead,

315. go ahead.

316. Dog, you going to make this

317. the best Christmas ever.

318. I hate Uncle Bernie.

319. He took Buddy away.

320. You know what?

321. He ruined our Christmas,

322. I say we ruin his.

323. You guys with me?

324. That's looking good,

325. I'm going to get some tape.

326. Wanda.

327. Hmm?

328. We got a terrible tragedy.

329. Bernie, you're getting

330. my floor wet.

331. No, somebody sabotaged

332. the Nativity scene.

333. The wise men floating

334. on top of the pool

335. baby Jesus at the bottom

336. of the Jacuzzi.

337. Who could do such an evil,

338. diabolical thing like that?

339. Oh, and I know how hard

340. you worked on this thing.

341. Baby, I had the wise men

342. set up just right.

343. They was lo and beholding.

344. Come here, baby.

345. Yeah, I heard that.

346. That was a guilty cackle.

347. I bet that boy did it.

348. Probably still mad at me,

349. but that's all right.

350. He's going to feel real terrible

351. when he see that dog.

352. I ought to throw him

353. in the doggone Jacuzzi.

354. Let him see how

355. baby Jesus feels.

356. Wheezing.

357. Yeah, we'll see.

358. Fine.

359. That's how they want it,

360. I won't give them the damn dog.

361. Maybe I'll just

362. give it to baby girl.

363. She been good.

364. Or has she?

365. What you doing?

366. Oh, that look beautiful.

367. What's this thing here

368. with this halo, what's that?

369. Let me see.

370. Buddy.

371. That's Buddy, huh?

372. I can see that.

373. What's this big, black,

374. red-eyed devil

375. unspiritual looking thing

376. here, what's this?

377. She's in cahoots.

378. Even baby girl

379. turned against me.

380. Okay, all right, fine.

381. Now they've driven me

382. to the end of my leash.

383. I know one dog's not going

384. to be home for the holidays.

385. That dog going back!

386. You guys, look! Look!

387. What's the

388. screaming about?

389. A leash.

390. He got us a dog!

391. He got us Buddy!

392. Buddy!

393. Yeah!

394. He got us Buddy!

395. Hey, you guys...

396. he tricked us.

397. You know, he's smarter

398. than I thought.

399. We're going to have to

400. start being nice to him.

401. You guys with me?

402. Thank you for my pink boom box,

403. Uncle Bernie.

404. I really love it.

405. Well, actually from

406. your Aunt Wanda, baby.

407. I know, but I just wanted

408. to thank you anyway.

409. Yeah, thank you for

410. my raptor, Aunt Wanda.

411. I love you.

412. I love Uncle Bernie

413. even more.

414. I love you, too.

415. Oh...

416. I thought you kids

417. were mad at me.

418. Well, we were mad at you

419. because you took Buddy away

420. but then we realized

421. we love you more.

422. That's real nice

423. of you kids

424. it really is.

425. So, is that it?

426. Macs' tradition

427. is to normally

428. open up one gift

429. on Christmas Eve.

430. Baby girl,

431. I guess that's it.

432. Where's Buddy?

433. What do you mean, baby?

434. Uncle Bernie, we

435. found the dog stuff

436. so we know.

437. Yeah, so quit playing.

438. Where's Buddy?

439. Yeah, Bernie,

440. where's Buddy?

441. Stop torturing

442. the kids.

443. That dog going back!

444. That dog going back!

445. Back! Back! Back!

446. What kind of a man gives

447. a child's dog away twice?

448. Twice?

449. Oh, Bernie.

450. Oh, okay, relax.

451. Don't worry, I'm not a Scrooge.

452. I went right out

453. and got the dog back, see?

454. I didn't lie.

455. Bernie Mac is not a monster.

456. He's just tragically

457. misunderstood.

458. I got to drink

459. all of this tonight

460. or else it'll go bad.

461. What?

462. I ain't driving.

463. I hope the kids satisfied,

464. I really do.

465. You want some?

466. You're walking,

467. you don't need none.

468. Jordan, shut up.

469. It's not me, it's Buddy.

470. Shut up, Buddy.

471. Buddy said he wanted to sleep

472. in a doggy bed in the kitchen.

473. Who's stopping him?

474. Come on, Buddy.

475. Come on!

476. Come on, why do you have

477. to have such a bad attitude?

478. Fine, don't go.

479. Stupid dog.

480. Come on, Buddy, let's play.

481. Oh, my shirt!

482. Let go! Let go!

483. Bad dog.

484. Go! Get!

485. Wait, this is your shirt.

486. What?

487. Oh, man! Oh!

488. My collage.

489. Vanessa, can I ask

490. you a question?

491. You still like Buddy?

492. ( whimpering ):

493. Buddy.

494. Oh, shh.

495. We'll find him,

496. don't worry.

497. Baby girl, I've been up

498. and down the whole block.

499. I haven't found him yet.

500. But first thing in the morning,

501. I promise.

502. Buddy can't be gone.

503. He's an angel.

504. He told me when he left

505. I wouldn't remember him.

506. But I remember him,

507. so he can't be gone.

508. Can we talk for a second?

509. I'll be

510. right back, okay?

511. It's okay.

512. So we were walking him, right?

513. But he didn't want

514. to be on the leash, right?

515. Yeah, he didn't

516. want to be.

517. So, we took it off, right?

518. And he ran.

519. Yeah, he ran fast.

520. We tried to call him...

521. "Buddy!"

522. but he didn't come.

523. Y'all ditched that dog,

524. didn't you?

525. It was her idea.

526. Stool pigeon.

527. Look, you got to help

528. us get Buddy back.

529. Me? What?

530. You're the one

531. who gave him to us.

532. Yeah.

533. Why y'all...

534. I should let them suffer

535. with their own conscience.

536. But then that wouldn't be fair

537. to baby girl.

538. Thank you.

539. You're in luck,

540. he's right there.

541. Hey, that's our dog!

542. Wait!

543. Wait!

544. Sorry, kids,

545. this is my dog.

546. I just adopted him.

547. Sir, I think there's been

548. a big misunderstanding.

549. That's our dog.

550. I got it for the

551. kids for Christmas.

552. Look, brother, I'd like

553. to help you out

554. but my boy and girl are coming.

555. They live back east with their

556. mom and you know how that is.

557. I want to have a special gift

558. waiting for them

559. when they get here.

560. We got special gifts.

561. I'll trade you

562. a pink boom box.

563. And a remote

564. control dinosaur.

565. It's a raptor.

566. Merry Christmas, kids.

567. Merry Christmas, brother.

568. Thank you, brother.

569. Merry Christmas.

570. Hey.

571. Buddy!

572. Now those two kids

573. just showed me something.

574. It was the first unselfish thing

575. I ever saw them do.

576. Maybe there's hope for them yet.

577. Maybe.

578. Can we talk to you?

579. Do y'all have to?

580. No, we just wanted to

581. give you a real gift.

582. And to say thank you

583. for everything you've done.

584. This ain't no trick, is it?

585. Just open the gift.

586. You smell something burning?

587. No.

588. Ooh, Wanda. Wanda.

589. This is beautiful.

590. We replaced the one

591. that Buddy ripped up.

592. This one's shinier.

593. How about that, boy.

594. For the first time

595. since they been here

596. those kids showed gratitude.

597. But I don't expect it to last.

598. But it was the greatest

599. Christmas gift I ever had.

600. And all because of that

601. little, bitty old dog.

602. Kids, it's some kind of special.

603. Thank you.

604. It was my idea.

605. No, it wasn't.

606. It was.

607. It was not.

608. It was.

609. Hey, man

610. you don't argue

611. with your sister, man.

612. You're the man of the house.

613. Merry Christmas, baby.

614. What do you mean

615. your job is done?

616. Will I ever see you again?

617. Okay, Buddy, I understand.

618. I'll always remember you.

619. I love you, too.

620. You know something?

621. Maybe Bryana was right.

622. Maybe Buddy is

623. a Christmas angel.

624. You know why I think so?

625. Because...

626. because...

627. See, the thing is...

628. What was I saying, America?

629. I completely blanked out

630. for a minute.

631. Something about my buddy.

632. This some good eggnog.

633. Merry Christmas.

634. That was no accident.

635. That girl is going back

636. to the projects.

637. Calm down, Bernie... calm down.

638. Maybe I'm making too much of it.

639. Maybe I am.

640. You know, they just need to vent

641. a little anger, okay?

642. I'm sure they'll be ready

643. to be little angels again.

644. Just relax, Bernie.

645. This wasn't no accident.

646. Relax.

647. I'm relaxed.

648. She did it...