1. - How about chinese
for lunch?
Copy !req
2. - I had chinese
for breakfast. Sunset room?
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3. - Well, how about
the pizzarriba?
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4. - We always go
to pizzarriba.
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5. - I like pizzarriba.
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6. - Just tell me
where I'm going.
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7. - Rock, paper, scissors.
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8. - I win.
- What are you
talking about?
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9. You have a rock.
I have scissors.
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10. Scissors cut rock.
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11. - Scissors don't cut rock.
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12. - Where do you think
pebbles come from, hmm?
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13. Fine. Let's do it again.
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14. I win.
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15. - What? Scissors cut paper.
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16. - This isn't paper.
- What is it?
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17. - It's a karate chop
to your face. Hyah!
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18. Ohh! Hyah!
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19. - Oh, I love chinese.
I haven't had it
since breakfast.
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20. Captioning made possible by
warner bros. Animation
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21. - Ugh. Too much
orange chicken.
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22. Have you ever met
an orange chicken?
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23. - Ooh!
- What?
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24. - It's the year of the pig.
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25. Wow. This is my year.
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26. - What are you
talking about?
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27. - The chinese
astrological calendar.
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28. Every year is represented
by a different animal,
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29. And this year? It's me.
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30. It's the year of the pig.
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31. - Oh, porky. A year
of good fortune.
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32. - When's the year
of the duck?
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33. - Uh, I don't see
a year of the duck.
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34. - Give me that.
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35. There's a year of the pig,
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36. There's a year
of the rabbit,
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37. And no year of the duck?
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38. How is this possible?
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39. They've got a year
of the monkey,
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40. A year of the rooster.
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41. A rat? There's
a year of the rat?
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42. Why not ducks?
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43. Does everybody hate ducks?
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44. - Nobody hates ducks.
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45. - That's easy
for you to say.
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46. You're beloved.
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47. - Oh, I wouldn't say
beloved.
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48. - Oh, really? Ever
hear of the expression,
"pigs in a blanket?"
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49. - That's not an expression.
It's a food.
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50. - Yeah, a delicious food
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51. That you would pig out on,
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52. Another popular expression,
by the way.
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53. - Daffy, you're
overreacting.
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54. - Oh, really, mr.
"lucky rabbit's foot?"
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55. Star of the popular fable,
"the tortoise and the hare?"
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56. Ducks have nothing.
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57. - Uh, what about
"duck, duck, goose?"
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58. That's a popular kids' game.
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59. - Oh, you mean the one
that's super boring
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60. Until you say
the word "goose?"
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61. - Isn't there
a children's book
about a duck?
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62. - Oh, you mean
"the ugly duckling?"
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63. Thanks a lot, bugs.
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64. - Well, there's got
to be something.
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65. - Yeah, "sitting duck."
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66. Waiting around
to get killed
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67. So that you can become
a "dead duck,"
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68. Which is probably
an improvement,
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69. Considering, up till now,
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70. You've spent
your entire life
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71. As a "lame duck."
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72. - Ooh, fortune cookies.
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73. "happiness and prosperity
are just around the corner."
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74. That sounds good.
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75. "you are charming
and well liked."
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76. Well, not really a fortune,
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77. More like an observation.
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78. - Ecch! Ecch! Ecch!
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79. Did your guys' cookies
taste like paper?
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80. This is the reason
I've never succeeded
at anything,
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81. Because people
don't like ducks.
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82. - I think it's because
people don't like you.
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83. - No way.
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84. If it's between me
and the other guy
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85. To become partner
at the law firm,
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86. They're gonna pick
the other guy
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87. Solely because I'm a duck.
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88. - And also, you're
not a lawyer.
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89. - And why do you think
that is?
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90. - Because you're lazy?
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91. - Because I am a duck,
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92. And people
don't like ducks.
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93. - Hey, guys.
I brought in your mail.
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94. - It looks like
you opened it, too.
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95. - Well, I got bored
between the mailbox
and the front door.
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96. It's mostly bills,
but I think you're
gonna like this one.
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97. They want you to host
this year's
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98. Royal oaks, glen oaks,
oakwood oaks beauty pageant.
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99. - Why me?
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100. - Well, it says here
"because you are charming
and well licked."
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101. - That's "liked."
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102. - Ok, well, you
don't have to brag.
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103. - I don't want to host
a beauty pageant.
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104. - Bugs, it's a lot more
than just a beauty pageant.
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105. It's a competition
that awards scholarships
to young women.
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106. Come on. All you have to do
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107. Is show up and say,
"and the winner is."
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108. It's the easiest job
in the world.
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109. - Eh, ok.
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110. How do you know
about all this anyway?
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111. - I was a contestant
2 years ago,
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112. But then I was disqualified
because of my talent.
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113. - What was your talent?
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114. - Lion taming.
- You know how to tame lions?
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115. - Not very well.
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116. I'd say I'm probably
just below average.
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117. - Unbelievable!
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118. I've read
the entire internet,
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119. And there's not
one positive thing
about ducks anywhere.
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120. Lola, what do you
think about ducks?
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121. - I don't know. Why?
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122. - Because I'm a duck.
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123. - What? I always thought you
were a crow. Are you sure?
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124. Aren't ducks the ones
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125. With those big beaver teeth
and that big beaver tail?
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126. - Those are beavers.
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127. - So, you're a beaver?
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128. - Forget it.
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129. - Yo, that is
one touchy beaver.
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130. - Why, I remember—
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131. I say, I remember when it
was the year of the rooster.
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132. Why, that was the year
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133. That everything changed
for me.
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134. Before that, I was just
a cock-a-doodle-do-nothing
on a farm,
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135. And look at me now.
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136. - What does that have
to do with ducks?
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137. - Oh, right. Ducks.
Copy !req
138. carol, bring me the latest
animal popularity index.
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139. - What's the animal
popularity index?
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140. - It's a list—I say,
a list of every animal
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141. Ranked in order
of popularity.
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142. Hmm.
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143. I say, hmm.
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144. - Ducks are ranked 64th?
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145. - I'm afraid—I say,
I'm afraid ducks have
an image problem, son.
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146. What you need is
some good pr.
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147. - Ooh, that sounds good.
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148. I haven't had
a peanut butter and ranch
sandwich in forever.
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149. Would you mind, hon?
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150. I don't need a beverage.
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151. - No, pr. Public relations.
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152. Influence public opinion.
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153. And based on that,
we're gonna have to do
a lot of influencing.
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154. What to do.
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155. I say, what to do.
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156. that's it!
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157. We're gonna get you
on "tit for tat."
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158. Carol, get in here.
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159. - What's "tit for tat?"
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160. - It's the most-watched news
program in the country.
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161. You'll make
the case for ducks
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162. To all of america.
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163. - Hmm. Daffy duck
as the lead spokesperson
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164. For an entire species.
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165. I like it.
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166. - Carol, get the producers
of "tit for tat"
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167. On the line.
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168. - Yes, sir.
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169. - Eww. Too much "r."
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170. - Hey, bun-bun.
How's it coming?
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171. - How's what coming?
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172. - Your opening monologue
for the pageant?
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173. - Monologue? I thought
all I had to do
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174. Was show up and say,
"and the winner is."
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175. - Right. After
the monologue.
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176. And the big musical number,
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177. With all that complicated
choreography.
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178. Oh, and then,
there's the duet
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179. Which also has a lot of
complicated choreography.
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180. Oh, you gotta be ready
to vamp
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181. In case the wardrobe
changes go long?
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182. And they always go long.
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183. Oh, then, of course,
there's the big finale,
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184. Which has
the most complicated
choreography of all
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185. And sometimes a stunt.
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186. Last year's host
got shot out of a cannon.
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187. - He got shot
out of a cannon?
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188. - Well, not successfully.
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189. That's why they needed
a new host.
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190. It's a thankless job, bugs.
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191. I don't know why
you agreed to do it.
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192. - Pinky, congratulations.
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193. You are my
1 millionth customer.
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194. You win a year's supply
of free pizza
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195. And half of the dessert.
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196. - Wow! I guess it really is
the year of the pig.
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197. - Porky's a pig?
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198. I always thought
he was a seal.
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199. - Are you sure—I say,
are you sure you're ready?
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200. Well, this old boy
ain't afraid to ask
the tough questions.
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201. - I have all the answers
I need right here.
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202. - Ok, uh, exactly—I say,
exactly what contribution
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203. Have ducks made to society?
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204. - That's a good
question, elmo.
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205. - I believe
his name is elmer.
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206. - Elmer? Hmm. I'd
better write that down.
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207. Uh, carol, do you have
my pre-show pr sandwich?
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208. Don't ever let her go.
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209. mmm.
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210. Now she put too much "p."
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211. You gotta get rid of her.
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212. - We're on in 5.
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213. - Good luck.
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214. - I don't need luck.
I've got these.
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215. - And action.
- Ohh!
Copy !req
216. - Good evening.
I'm elmer fudd.
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217. Welcome to another edition
of "tit for tat."
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218. Tonight's topic: Ducks.
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219. Here to tell us
why we should care
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220. Daffy duck.
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221. Daffy, welcome
to the program.
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222. - Thanks
for having me, elvis.
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223. - Let's get started.
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224. Exactly what contribution
have ducks made to society?
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225. - Uh, um, uh.
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226. Pass.
- What?
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227. - Give me another question.
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228. - Ok, uh.
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229. - Bring the car
around front, carol.
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230. - You believe that ducks
are viewed unfavorably.
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231. Do you have
any proof of this?
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232. - I'd like
to phone a friend.
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233. - What?
- I'd like to buy
a vowel.
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234. - What are you
talking about?
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235. - I'm gonna go ahead
and spin again, pat.
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236. - Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
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237. Argh!
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238. - Ugh.
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239. Why didn't you open
the sunroof, carol?
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240. - You really gotta
get rid of her. Ugh.
Copy !req
241. - Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
242. And welcome
to the royal oaks,
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243. Glen oaks, oakwood oaks
beauty pageant.
Copy !req
244. Ahem. I don't know
about our contestants,
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245. But I slept like a log
last night.
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246. Literally.
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247. I woke up in the fireplace.
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248. Ahem.
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249. Uh, good-looking audience
we've got here tonight.
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250. I look forward
to seeing you all
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251. During the swimsuit portion
of the competition.
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252. Because there's
a swimsuit portion.
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253. The audience doesn't
actually put on swimsuits?
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254. - Yeah. No, we get it.
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255. - Ohh! What about
the joke where—
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256. - Porky, please.
Copy !req
257. I know you think
this is your "year,"
but let me—
Copy !req
258. - No, I want to hear it.
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259. - Ahem.
Copy !req
260. I flew all the way in
from new york to be here.
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261. And boy, are my arms tired.
Copy !req
262. - Ha ha ha!
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263. Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my goodness!
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264. I can't breathe.
Oh, his arms are tired.
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265. Like he didn't fly
on a plane.
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266. He flew himself
with his arms
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267. Like they're wings!
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268. He doesn't even have wings.
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269. He's not a bird.
He's a seal.
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270. Seals can't fly.
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271. Ha ha! Oh, it's so funny
for so many reasons.
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272. Oh, porky. Oh, porky.
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273. Ohh! Ohh.
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274. Yours is funny, too.
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275. Just not as funny
as porky's!
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276. Oh, porky!
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277. - Argh!
Copy !req
278. This is a pr nightmare.
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279. - tell me about it.
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280. I mean, we're talking
about 2 ingredients here.
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281. Peanut butter and ranch.
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282. How does she
keep messing this up?
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283. - Enough with
the sandwich, boy.
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284. Look at this. Now ducks
are even less popular—
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285. I say, less popular
than they were before.
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286. - We're below
great white sharks?
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287. They eat people.
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288. - Oh, it's time.
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289. - What?
Copy !req
290. - The 63rd annual
royal oaks, glen oaks,
oakwood oaks beauty pageant.
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291. There are many beautiful
women in the world,
Copy !req
292. But only one can be
miss r.O.G.O.O.O.
Copy !req
293. - That's it.
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294. We need a duck to win
that beauty pageant.
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295. - I've always dreamed
of being miss r.O.G.O.O.O.
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296. - Not you. We need
a female duck.
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297. - Ohh. Right.
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298. - No way.
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299. - Please?
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300. - I'm not
the beauty pageant type.
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301. - Oh, of course you are.
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302. You're constantly
at the salon,
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303. You spend hours
in front of the mirror,
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304. And you're always prancing
around the house in a tiara.
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305. - That's you.
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306. - Well, I'd enter it
if I could,
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307. But that big, fat
rooster says I can't.
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308. So, you gotta do it.
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309. We're in 73rd place.
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310. - Daffy, I don't care
what some poll says.
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311. And you shouldn't either.
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312. - That's easy
for you to say.
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313. People like you.
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314. - Then be more likeable.
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315. - No. That's crazy.
Copy !req
316. The only thing
that makes sense
Copy !req
317. Is you winning
a beauty pageant,
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318. Which will skyrocket
ducks up the animal
popularity index,
Copy !req
319. Thus allowing me to enjoy
respect and admiration
Copy !req
320. Without having
to earn it myself.
Copy !req
321. It's a slam duck.
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322. - You mean a slam dunk.
Copy !req
323. - What? My whole life, I
thought it was "slam duck."
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324. Ugh. Forget it.
Copy !req
325. I guess I'll just have
to get used to the idea
Copy !req
326. That every time
I walk into a room,
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327. Everyone will wish
a great white shark
had walked in instead.
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328. Well, guess what, people?
Copy !req
329. Great white sharks
can't walk.
Copy !req
330. So, I guess
you're stuck with me.
Copy !req
331. - Fine, I'll do it.
Copy !req
332. - Thank you.
Copy !req
333. I can't tell you
how much this means to me.
Copy !req
334. I just know
you're going to win.
Copy !req
335. And then, we'll both
have a tiara.
Copy !req
336. - Just remember.
Copy !req
337. When you're inside,
you gotta stay
curled up tight.
Copy !req
338. The tighter you are,
the further you'll fly.
Copy !req
339. You want to take
a practice flight?
Copy !req
340. - No, I think I'm good.
Copy !req
341. Porky, what are you
doing here?
Copy !req
342. - I have a big favor
to ask you.
Copy !req
343. What do you think
of letting me
host the pageant?
Copy !req
344. - What?
Copy !req
345. - Ever since I found out
it was the year of the pig,
Copy !req
346. I've just been feeling
so good.
Copy !req
347. Everything seems to be
going my way.
Copy !req
348. I mean, you get
opportunities like this
all the time.
Copy !req
349. But this, this is my year.
Copy !req
350. This is my one shot.
Copy !req
351. what do you say?
Copy !req
352. - Thanks for doing
my makeup, lola.
Copy !req
353. I'm not very good
at this stuff.
Copy !req
354. - Are you kidding? You're
gonna look beautiful.
Copy !req
355. I'm keeping it real fresh
and light and natural,
Copy !req
356. Just like you wanted.
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357. You'll barely be able
to tell you're wearing
anything at all.
Copy !req
358. There.
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359. - Wow.
Copy !req
360. Yeah, that's...
Copy !req
361. Uh, is there any way
you could remove
a few layers?
Copy !req
362. - Oh. Yeah.
I can do that.
Copy !req
363. Guess someone
doesn't want to win.
Copy !req
364. - When is this show
going to start?
Copy !req
365. What is that?
Copy !req
366. - It's a constantly updating
animal popularity index.
Copy !req
367. This way, we can see
those duck rankings
rise in real time.
Copy !req
368. - Wow. Impressive.
Copy !req
369. Oh, this is taking forever.
Copy !req
370. I mean, if you say
you're going to start
at 7:00 p.M.,
Copy !req
371. You start at 7:00 p.M.
Copy !req
372. come on!
Copy !req
373. Start the show!
Copy !req
374. - I don't think that's
helping the cause, boy.
Copy !req
375. - Uh, maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.
Copy !req
376. - Porky, they're
going to love you.
Copy !req
377. - Ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
378. Welcome to the 64th annual
Copy !req
379. Royal oaks, glen oaks,
oakwood oaks beauty pageant.
Copy !req
380. And now, your host
porky pig.
Copy !req
381. - You're gonna be great.
Copy !req
382. It's the year of the pig.
Copy !req
383. - Oh, it's not
the year of the pig.
Copy !req
384. - What?
Copy !req
385. The year of the pig
was 4 years ago.
Copy !req
386. It's the year of the rabbit.
Copy !req
387. - Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
Copy !req
388. And welcome
to the royal oaks,
Copy !req
389. Glen oaks, oakwood oaks
beauty pageant.
Copy !req
390. - Are you sure?
Copy !req
391. - I'm positive.
Copy !req
392. - Oh! That nitwit
must have read it wrong.
Copy !req
393. - If anyone should be
out there hosting,
it's you.
Copy !req
394. - He'll be fine.
Copy !req
395. All that astrology stuff
is silly.
Copy !req
396. - You know, I flew
all the way in
Copy !req
397. From new york
to be here,
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398. And boy, are my arms tired.
Copy !req
399. Ha ha ha.
Copy !req
400. - or maybe
not so silly.
Copy !req
401. - Uh, ha ha.
Copy !req
402. A good-looking audience
we've got here tonight.
Copy !req
403. I look forward
to seeing you all
Copy !req
404. During the swimsuit portion
of the competition.
Copy !req
405. - ooh.
Copy !req
406. Pigs are falling fast.
Copy !req
407. They're below—I say,
they're below ducks.
Copy !req
408. - Boo! Get this guy
off the stage!
Copy !req
409. - Hmm. Not anymore.
Copy !req
410. - Uh, why don't we meet
our contestants?
Copy !req
411. - They hate me.
Copy !req
412. I thought this was
the year of the pig.
Copy !req
413. How is this happening?
Copy !req
414. - Porky, there's
something I need
to tell you.
Copy !req
415. - You're doing great.
Copy !req
416. - What? But no one's
laughing.
Copy !req
417. - No, no, no.
They're laughing.
Copy !req
418. You just can't hear them
from the stage.
Copy !req
419. It's—it's the acoustics.
Copy !req
420. - Are you sure?
I feel like they're
all scowling at me.
Copy !req
421. - No, that's
the stage lights.
Copy !req
422. The shadows make smiles,
you know, look like frowns.
Copy !req
423. They're smiling
and they're laughing
Copy !req
424. Because you're doing great.
Copy !req
425. It's the year of the pig.
Copy !req
426. That's your cue.
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427. - Thanks, bugs.
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428. - Yeah! Whoo! Ow!
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429. - Ohh!
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430. - Eww!
- Oh, eww!
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431. - Ohh!
- Aww!
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432. - And now, the winner
of the miss royal oaks,
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433. Glen oaks, oakwood oaks
beauty pageant is...
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434. Michelle chen.
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435. Congratulations, michelle.
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436. - Ohh! Ahh.
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437. - Congratulations.
You did it.
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438. - What are you
talking about?
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439. I didn't win.
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440. - Yeah, but you were
so beautiful and poised
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441. And charming
and elegant.
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442. You moved ducks up
33 places.
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443. - Well, there you go.
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444. - Unfortunately,
I brought us down
41 places.
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445. So, overall, ducks
are slightly worse off
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446. Than they were
before we started.
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447. - So, I guess
you're not going to get
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448. That respect
and admiration
you wanted.
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449. - What are you
talking about?
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450. I'll get it
by hanging out with you.
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451. Here.
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452. - You're giving me
your tiara?
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453. - Loaning you my tiara.
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454. Looks better on me.
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455. - Mwah.
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456. - Thanks for
the chinese food, guys.
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457. - How you feeling?
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458. - Pretty good.
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459. The doctors were amazed
at how fast I'm recovering.
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460. but I'm not surprised.
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461. After all, it is
the year of the pig.
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462. - I thought you told me
it was the year of the—ow!
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463. Why are you kicking me?
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464. - Did you, by any chance,
get any duck sauce?
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465. - There's a sauce
named after us?
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466. Ohh! A sweet,
delicious sauce.
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467. Why didn't anyone tell me?
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468. - I'm sorry,
but visiting hours
are over.
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469. - How about a little
respect and admiration?
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470. Ever heard of duck sauce?
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471. Captioning made possible by
warner bros. Animation
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472. Captioned by the national
captioning institute
—www.Ncicap.Org—
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473. - Hey, fellas.
Get a load of this.
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474. We cracked the top 10.
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