1. - How about chinese
for lunch?Copy !req
2. - I had chinese
for breakfast. Sunset room?Copy !req
3. - Well, how about
the pizzarriba?Copy !req
4. - We always go
to pizzarriba.Copy !req
5. - I like pizzarriba.Copy !req
6. - Just tell me
where I'm going.Copy !req
7. - Rock, paper, scissors.Copy !req
8. - I win.
- What are you
talking about?Copy !req
9. You have a rock.
I have scissors.Copy !req
10. Scissors cut rock.Copy !req
11. - Scissors don't cut rock.Copy !req
12. - Where do you think
pebbles come from, hmm?Copy !req
13. Fine. Let's do it again.Copy !req
14. I win.Copy !req
15. - What? Scissors cut paper.Copy !req
16. - This isn't paper.
- What is it?Copy !req
17. - It's a karate chop
to your face. Hyah!Copy !req
18. Ohh! Hyah!Copy !req
19. - Oh, I love chinese.
I haven't had it
since breakfast.Copy !req
20. Captioning made possible by
warner bros. AnimationCopy !req
21. - Ugh. Too much
orange chicken.Copy !req
22. Have you ever met
an orange chicken?Copy !req
23. - Ooh!
- What?Copy !req
24. - It's the year of the pig.Copy !req
25. Wow. This is my year.Copy !req
26. - What are you
talking about?Copy !req
27. - The chinese
astrological calendar.Copy !req
28. Every year is represented
by a different animal,Copy !req
29. And this year? It's me.Copy !req
30. It's the year of the pig.Copy !req
31. - Oh, porky. A year
of good fortune.Copy !req
32. - When's the year
of the duck?Copy !req
33. - Uh, I don't see
a year of the duck.Copy !req
34. - Give me that.Copy !req
35. There's a year of the pig,Copy !req
36. There's a year
of the rabbit,Copy !req
37. And no year of the duck?Copy !req
38. How is this possible?Copy !req
39. They've got a year
of the monkey,Copy !req
40. A year of the rooster.Copy !req
41. A rat? There's
a year of the rat?Copy !req
42. Why not ducks?Copy !req
43. Does everybody hate ducks?Copy !req
44. - Nobody hates ducks.Copy !req
45. - That's easy
for you to say.Copy !req
46. You're beloved.Copy !req
47. - Oh, I wouldn't say
beloved.Copy !req
48. - Oh, really? Ever
hear of the expression,
"pigs in a blanket?"Copy !req
49. - That's not an expression.
It's a food.Copy !req
50. - Yeah, a delicious foodCopy !req
51. That you would pig out on,Copy !req
52. Another popular expression,
by the way.Copy !req
53. - Daffy, you're
overreacting.Copy !req
54. - Oh, really, mr.
"lucky rabbit's foot?"Copy !req
55. Star of the popular fable,
"the tortoise and the hare?"Copy !req
56. Ducks have nothing.Copy !req
57. - Uh, what about
"duck, duck, goose?"Copy !req
58. That's a popular kids' game.Copy !req
59. - Oh, you mean the one
that's super boringCopy !req
60. Until you say
the word "goose?"Copy !req
61. - Isn't there
a children's book
about a duck?Copy !req
62. - Oh, you mean
"the ugly duckling?"Copy !req
63. Thanks a lot, bugs.Copy !req
64. - Well, there's got
to be something.Copy !req
65. - Yeah, "sitting duck."Copy !req
66. Waiting around
to get killedCopy !req
67. So that you can become
a "dead duck,"Copy !req
68. Which is probably
an improvement,Copy !req
69. Considering, up till now,Copy !req
70. You've spent
your entire lifeCopy !req
71. As a "lame duck."Copy !req
72. - Ooh, fortune cookies.Copy !req
73. "happiness and prosperity
are just around the corner."Copy !req
74. That sounds good.Copy !req
75. "you are charming
and well liked."Copy !req
76. Well, not really a fortune,Copy !req
77. More like an observation.Copy !req
78. - Ecch! Ecch! Ecch!Copy !req
79. Did your guys' cookies
taste like paper?Copy !req
80. This is the reason
I've never succeeded
at anything,Copy !req
81. Because people
don't like ducks.Copy !req
82. - I think it's because
people don't like you.Copy !req
83. - No way.Copy !req
84. If it's between me
and the other guyCopy !req
85. To become partner
at the law firm,Copy !req
86. They're gonna pick
the other guyCopy !req
87. Solely because I'm a duck.Copy !req
88. - And also, you're
not a lawyer.Copy !req
89. - And why do you think
that is?Copy !req
90. - Because you're lazy?Copy !req
91. - Because I am a duck,Copy !req
92. And people
don't like ducks.Copy !req
93. - Hey, guys.
I brought in your mail.Copy !req
94. - It looks like
you opened it, too.Copy !req
95. - Well, I got bored
between the mailbox
and the front door.Copy !req
96. It's mostly bills,
but I think you're
gonna like this one.Copy !req
97. They want you to host
this year'sCopy !req
98. Royal oaks, glen oaks,
oakwood oaks beauty pageant.Copy !req
99. - Why me?Copy !req
100. - Well, it says here
"because you are charming
and well licked."Copy !req
101. - That's "liked."Copy !req
102. - Ok, well, you
don't have to brag.Copy !req
103. - I don't want to host
a beauty pageant.Copy !req
104. - Bugs, it's a lot more
than just a beauty pageant.Copy !req
105. It's a competition
that awards scholarships
to young women.Copy !req
106. Come on. All you have to doCopy !req
107. Is show up and say,
"and the winner is."Copy !req
108. It's the easiest job
in the world.Copy !req
109. - Eh, ok.Copy !req
110. How do you know
about all this anyway?Copy !req
111. - I was a contestant
2 years ago,Copy !req
112. But then I was disqualified
because of my talent.Copy !req
113. - What was your talent?Copy !req
114. - Lion taming.
- You know how to tame lions?Copy !req
115. - Not very well.Copy !req
116. I'd say I'm probably
just below average.Copy !req
117. - Unbelievable!Copy !req
118. I've read
the entire internet,Copy !req
119. And there's not
one positive thing
about ducks anywhere.Copy !req
120. Lola, what do you
think about ducks?Copy !req
121. - I don't know. Why?Copy !req
122. - Because I'm a duck.Copy !req
123. - What? I always thought you
were a crow. Are you sure?Copy !req
124. Aren't ducks the onesCopy !req
125. With those big beaver teeth
and that big beaver tail?Copy !req
126. - Those are beavers.Copy !req
127. - So, you're a beaver?Copy !req
128. - Forget it.Copy !req
129. - Yo, that is
one touchy beaver.Copy !req
130. - Why, I remember—Copy !req
131. I say, I remember when it
was the year of the rooster.Copy !req
132. Why, that was the yearCopy !req
133. That everything changed
for me.Copy !req
134. Before that, I was just
a cock-a-doodle-do-nothing
on a farm,Copy !req
135. And look at me now.Copy !req
136. - What does that have
to do with ducks?Copy !req
137. - Oh, right. Ducks.Copy !req
138. carol, bring me the latest
animal popularity index.Copy !req
139. - What's the animal
popularity index?Copy !req
140. - It's a list—I say,
a list of every animalCopy !req
141. Ranked in order
of popularity.Copy !req
142. Hmm.Copy !req
143. I say, hmm.Copy !req
144. - Ducks are ranked 64th?Copy !req
145. - I'm afraid—I say,
I'm afraid ducks have
an image problem, son.Copy !req
146. What you need is
some good pr.Copy !req
147. - Ooh, that sounds good.Copy !req
148. I haven't had
a peanut butter and ranch
sandwich in forever.Copy !req
149. Would you mind, hon?Copy !req
150. I don't need a beverage.Copy !req
151. - No, pr. Public relations.Copy !req
152. Influence public opinion.Copy !req
153. And based on that,
we're gonna have to do
a lot of influencing.Copy !req
154. What to do.Copy !req
155. I say, what to do.Copy !req
156. that's it!Copy !req
157. We're gonna get you
on "tit for tat."Copy !req
158. Carol, get in here.Copy !req
159. - What's "tit for tat?"Copy !req
160. - It's the most-watched news
program in the country.Copy !req
161. You'll make
the case for ducksCopy !req
162. To all of america.Copy !req
163. - Hmm. Daffy duck
as the lead spokespersonCopy !req
164. For an entire species.Copy !req
165. I like it.Copy !req
166. - Carol, get the producers
of "tit for tat"Copy !req
167. On the line.Copy !req
168. - Yes, sir.Copy !req
169. - Eww. Too much "r."Copy !req
170. - Hey, bun-bun.
How's it coming?Copy !req
171. - How's what coming?Copy !req
172. - Your opening monologue
for the pageant?Copy !req
173. - Monologue? I thought
all I had to doCopy !req
174. Was show up and say,
"and the winner is."Copy !req
175. - Right. After
the monologue.Copy !req
176. And the big musical number,Copy !req
177. With all that complicated
choreography.Copy !req
178. Oh, and then,
there's the duetCopy !req
179. Which also has a lot of
complicated choreography.Copy !req
180. Oh, you gotta be ready
to vampCopy !req
181. In case the wardrobe
changes go long?Copy !req
182. And they always go long.Copy !req
183. Oh, then, of course,
there's the big finale,Copy !req
184. Which has
the most complicated
choreography of allCopy !req
185. And sometimes a stunt.Copy !req
186. Last year's host
got shot out of a cannon.Copy !req
187. - He got shot
out of a cannon?Copy !req
188. - Well, not successfully.Copy !req
189. That's why they needed
a new host.Copy !req
190. It's a thankless job, bugs.Copy !req
191. I don't know why
you agreed to do it.Copy !req
192. - Pinky, congratulations.Copy !req
193. You are my
1 millionth customer.Copy !req
194. You win a year's supply
of free pizzaCopy !req
195. And half of the dessert.Copy !req
196. - Wow! I guess it really is
the year of the pig.Copy !req
197. - Porky's a pig?Copy !req
198. I always thought
he was a seal.Copy !req
199. - Are you sure—I say,
are you sure you're ready?Copy !req
200. Well, this old boy
ain't afraid to ask
the tough questions.Copy !req
201. - I have all the answers
I need right here.Copy !req
202. - Ok, uh, exactly—I say,
exactly what contributionCopy !req
203. Have ducks made to society?Copy !req
204. - That's a good
question, elmo.Copy !req
205. - I believe
his name is elmer.Copy !req
206. - Elmer? Hmm. I'd
better write that down.Copy !req
207. Uh, carol, do you have
my pre-show pr sandwich?Copy !req
208. Don't ever let her go.Copy !req
209. mmm.Copy !req
210. Now she put too much "p."Copy !req
211. You gotta get rid of her.Copy !req
212. - We're on in 5.Copy !req
213. - Good luck.Copy !req
214. - I don't need luck.
I've got these.Copy !req
215. - And action.
- Ohh!Copy !req
216. - Good evening.
I'm elmer fudd.Copy !req
217. Welcome to another edition
of "tit for tat."Copy !req
218. Tonight's topic: Ducks.Copy !req
219. Here to tell us
why we should careCopy !req
220. Daffy duck.Copy !req
221. Daffy, welcome
to the program.Copy !req
222. - Thanks
for having me, elvis.Copy !req
223. - Let's get started.Copy !req
224. Exactly what contribution
have ducks made to society?Copy !req
225. - Uh, um, uh.Copy !req
226. Pass.
- What?Copy !req
227. - Give me another question.Copy !req
228. - Ok, uh.Copy !req
229. - Bring the car
around front, carol.Copy !req
230. - You believe that ducks
are viewed unfavorably.Copy !req
231. Do you have
any proof of this?Copy !req
232. - I'd like
to phone a friend.Copy !req
233. - What?
- I'd like to buy
a vowel.Copy !req
234. - What are you
talking about?Copy !req
235. - I'm gonna go ahead
and spin again, pat.Copy !req
236. - Desperate times call
for desperate measures.Copy !req
237. Argh!Copy !req
238. - Ugh.Copy !req
239. Why didn't you open
the sunroof, carol?Copy !req
240. - You really gotta
get rid of her. Ugh.Copy !req
241. - Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
242. And welcome
to the royal oaks,Copy !req
243. Glen oaks, oakwood oaks
beauty pageant.Copy !req
244. Ahem. I don't know
about our contestants,Copy !req
245. But I slept like a log
last night.Copy !req
246. Literally.Copy !req
247. I woke up in the fireplace.Copy !req
248. Ahem.Copy !req
249. Uh, good-looking audience
we've got here tonight.Copy !req
250. I look forward
to seeing you allCopy !req
251. During the swimsuit portion
of the competition.Copy !req
252. Because there's
a swimsuit portion.Copy !req
253. The audience doesn't
actually put on swimsuits?Copy !req
254. - Yeah. No, we get it.Copy !req
255. - Ohh! What about
the joke where—Copy !req
256. - Porky, please.Copy !req
257. I know you think
this is your "year,"
but let me—Copy !req
258. - No, I want to hear it.Copy !req
259. - Ahem.Copy !req
260. I flew all the way in
from new york to be here.Copy !req
261. And boy, are my arms tired.Copy !req
262. - Ha ha ha!Copy !req
263. Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my goodness!Copy !req
264. I can't breathe.
Oh, his arms are tired.Copy !req
265. Like he didn't fly
on a plane.Copy !req
266. He flew himself
with his armsCopy !req
267. Like they're wings!Copy !req
268. He doesn't even have wings.Copy !req
269. He's not a bird.
He's a seal.Copy !req
270. Seals can't fly.Copy !req
271. Ha ha! Oh, it's so funny
for so many reasons.Copy !req
272. Oh, porky. Oh, porky.Copy !req
273. Ohh! Ohh.Copy !req
274. Yours is funny, too.Copy !req
275. Just not as funny
as porky's!Copy !req
276. Oh, porky!Copy !req
277. - Argh!Copy !req
278. This is a pr nightmare.Copy !req
279. - tell me about it.Copy !req
280. I mean, we're talking
about 2 ingredients here.Copy !req
281. Peanut butter and ranch.Copy !req
282. How does she
keep messing this up?Copy !req
283. - Enough with
the sandwich, boy.Copy !req
284. Look at this. Now ducks
are even less popular—Copy !req
285. I say, less popular
than they were before.Copy !req
286. - We're below
great white sharks?Copy !req
287. They eat people.Copy !req
288. - Oh, it's time.Copy !req
289. - What?Copy !req
290. - The 63rd annual
royal oaks, glen oaks,
oakwood oaks beauty pageant.Copy !req
291. There are many beautiful
women in the world,Copy !req
292. But only one can be
miss r.O.G.O.O.O.Copy !req
293. - That's it.Copy !req
294. We need a duck to win
that beauty pageant.Copy !req
295. - I've always dreamed
of being miss r.O.G.O.O.O.Copy !req
296. - Not you. We need
a female duck.Copy !req
297. - Ohh. Right.Copy !req
298. - No way.Copy !req
299. - Please?Copy !req
300. - I'm not
the beauty pageant type.Copy !req
301. - Oh, of course you are.Copy !req
302. You're constantly
at the salon,Copy !req
303. You spend hours
in front of the mirror,Copy !req
304. And you're always prancing
around the house in a tiara.Copy !req
305. - That's you.Copy !req
306. - Well, I'd enter it
if I could,Copy !req
307. But that big, fat
rooster says I can't.Copy !req
308. So, you gotta do it.Copy !req
309. We're in 73rd place.Copy !req
310. - Daffy, I don't care
what some poll says.Copy !req
311. And you shouldn't either.Copy !req
312. - That's easy
for you to say.Copy !req
313. People like you.Copy !req
314. - Then be more likeable.Copy !req
315. - No. That's crazy.Copy !req
316. The only thing
that makes senseCopy !req
317. Is you winning
a beauty pageant,Copy !req
318. Which will skyrocket
ducks up the animal
popularity index,Copy !req
319. Thus allowing me to enjoy
respect and admirationCopy !req
320. Without having
to earn it myself.Copy !req
321. It's a slam duck.Copy !req
322. - You mean a slam dunk.Copy !req
323. - What? My whole life, I
thought it was "slam duck."Copy !req
324. Ugh. Forget it.Copy !req
325. I guess I'll just have
to get used to the ideaCopy !req
326. That every time
I walk into a room,Copy !req
327. Everyone will wish
a great white shark
had walked in instead.Copy !req
328. Well, guess what, people?Copy !req
329. Great white sharks
can't walk.Copy !req
330. So, I guess
you're stuck with me.Copy !req
331. - Fine, I'll do it.Copy !req
332. - Thank you.Copy !req
333. I can't tell you
how much this means to me.Copy !req
334. I just know
you're going to win.Copy !req
335. And then, we'll both
have a tiara.Copy !req
336. - Just remember.Copy !req
337. When you're inside,
you gotta stay
curled up tight.Copy !req
338. The tighter you are,
the further you'll fly.Copy !req
339. You want to take
a practice flight?Copy !req
340. - No, I think I'm good.Copy !req
341. Porky, what are you
doing here?Copy !req
342. - I have a big favor
to ask you.Copy !req
343. What do you think
of letting me
host the pageant?Copy !req
344. - What?Copy !req
345. - Ever since I found out
it was the year of the pig,Copy !req
346. I've just been feeling
so good.Copy !req
347. Everything seems to be
going my way.Copy !req
348. I mean, you get
opportunities like this
all the time.Copy !req
349. But this, this is my year.Copy !req
350. This is my one shot.Copy !req
351. what do you say?Copy !req
352. - Thanks for doing
my makeup, lola.Copy !req
353. I'm not very good
at this stuff.Copy !req
354. - Are you kidding? You're
gonna look beautiful.Copy !req
355. I'm keeping it real fresh
and light and natural,Copy !req
356. Just like you wanted.Copy !req
357. You'll barely be able
to tell you're wearing
anything at all.Copy !req
358. There.Copy !req
359. - Wow.Copy !req
360. Yeah, that's...Copy !req
361. Uh, is there any way
you could remove
a few layers?Copy !req
362. - Oh. Yeah.
I can do that.Copy !req
363. Guess someone
doesn't want to win.Copy !req
364. - When is this show
going to start?Copy !req
365. What is that?Copy !req
366. - It's a constantly updating
animal popularity index.Copy !req
367. This way, we can see
those duck rankings
rise in real time.Copy !req
368. - Wow. Impressive.Copy !req
369. Oh, this is taking forever.Copy !req
370. I mean, if you say
you're going to start
at 7:00 p.M.,Copy !req
371. You start at 7:00 p.M.Copy !req
372. come on!Copy !req
373. Start the show!Copy !req
374. - I don't think that's
helping the cause, boy.Copy !req
375. - Uh, maybe this wasn't
such a good idea.Copy !req
376. - Porky, they're
going to love you.Copy !req
377. - Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
378. Welcome to the 64th annualCopy !req
379. Royal oaks, glen oaks,
oakwood oaks beauty pageant.Copy !req
380. And now, your host
porky pig.Copy !req
381. - You're gonna be great.Copy !req
382. It's the year of the pig.Copy !req
383. - Oh, it's not
the year of the pig.Copy !req
384. - What?Copy !req
385. The year of the pig
was 4 years ago.Copy !req
386. It's the year of the rabbit.Copy !req
387. - Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
388. And welcome
to the royal oaks,Copy !req
389. Glen oaks, oakwood oaks
beauty pageant.Copy !req
390. - Are you sure?Copy !req
391. - I'm positive.Copy !req
392. - Oh! That nitwit
must have read it wrong.Copy !req
393. - If anyone should be
out there hosting,
it's you.Copy !req
394. - He'll be fine.Copy !req
395. All that astrology stuff
is silly.Copy !req
396. - You know, I flew
all the way inCopy !req
397. From new york
to be here,Copy !req
398. And boy, are my arms tired.Copy !req
399. Ha ha ha.Copy !req
400. - or maybe
not so silly.Copy !req
401. - Uh, ha ha.Copy !req
402. A good-looking audience
we've got here tonight.Copy !req
403. I look forward
to seeing you allCopy !req
404. During the swimsuit portion
of the competition.Copy !req
405. - ooh.Copy !req
406. Pigs are falling fast.Copy !req
407. They're below—I say,
they're below ducks.Copy !req
408. - Boo! Get this guy
off the stage!Copy !req
409. - Hmm. Not anymore.Copy !req
410. - Uh, why don't we meet
our contestants?Copy !req
411. - They hate me.Copy !req
412. I thought this was
the year of the pig.Copy !req
413. How is this happening?Copy !req
414. - Porky, there's
something I need
to tell you.Copy !req
415. - You're doing great.Copy !req
416. - What? But no one's
laughing.Copy !req
417. - No, no, no.
They're laughing.Copy !req
418. You just can't hear them
from the stage.Copy !req
419. It's—it's the acoustics.Copy !req
420. - Are you sure?
I feel like they're
all scowling at me.Copy !req
421. - No, that's
the stage lights.Copy !req
422. The shadows make smiles,
you know, look like frowns.Copy !req
423. They're smiling
and they're laughingCopy !req
424. Because you're doing great.Copy !req
425. It's the year of the pig.Copy !req
426. That's your cue.Copy !req
427. - Thanks, bugs.Copy !req
428. - Yeah! Whoo! Ow!Copy !req
429. - Ohh!Copy !req
430. - Eww!
- Oh, eww!Copy !req
431. - Ohh!
- Aww!Copy !req
432. - And now, the winner
of the miss royal oaks,Copy !req
433. Glen oaks, oakwood oaks
beauty pageant is...Copy !req
434. Michelle chen.Copy !req
435. Congratulations, michelle.Copy !req
436. - Ohh! Ahh.Copy !req
437. - Congratulations.
You did it.Copy !req
438. - What are you
talking about?Copy !req
439. I didn't win.Copy !req
440. - Yeah, but you were
so beautiful and poisedCopy !req
441. And charming
and elegant.Copy !req
442. You moved ducks up
33 places.Copy !req
443. - Well, there you go.Copy !req
444. - Unfortunately,
I brought us down
41 places.Copy !req
445. So, overall, ducks
are slightly worse offCopy !req
446. Than they were
before we started.Copy !req
447. - So, I guess
you're not going to getCopy !req
448. That respect
and admiration
you wanted.Copy !req
449. - What are you
talking about?Copy !req
450. I'll get it
by hanging out with you.Copy !req
451. Here.Copy !req
452. - You're giving me
your tiara?Copy !req
453. - Loaning you my tiara.Copy !req
454. Looks better on me.Copy !req
455. - Mwah.Copy !req
456. - Thanks for
the chinese food, guys.Copy !req
457. - How you feeling?Copy !req
458. - Pretty good.Copy !req
459. The doctors were amazed
at how fast I'm recovering.Copy !req
460. but I'm not surprised.Copy !req
461. After all, it is
the year of the pig.Copy !req
462. - I thought you told me
it was the year of the—ow!Copy !req
463. Why are you kicking me?Copy !req
464. - Did you, by any chance,
get any duck sauce?Copy !req
465. - There's a sauce
named after us?Copy !req
466. Ohh! A sweet,
delicious sauce.Copy !req
467. Why didn't anyone tell me?Copy !req
468. - I'm sorry,
but visiting hours
are over.Copy !req
469. - How about a little
respect and admiration?Copy !req
470. Ever heard of duck sauce?Copy !req
471. Captioning made possible by
warner bros. AnimationCopy !req
472. Captioned by the national
captioning institute
—www.Ncicap.Org—Copy !req
473. - Hey, fellas.
Get a load of this.Copy !req
474. We cracked the top 10.Copy !req