1. Greetings.
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2. Uh, let me start by saying
I am Ambassador Richards.
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3. This is Ambassador Carlyle.
Ambassador Thompson.
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4. And we are all very proud
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5. to be representing the planet
Earth in these negotiations.
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6. Sir, we have the translator box
up and running now, I think.
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7. Well, it worked.
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8. all over her tits.
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9. That, oh, good one.
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10. Well, now that
the ice has been broken,
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11. let's commence with
the negotiations.
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12. Okay, good.
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13. We want all of your women.
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14. Oh, um...
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15. Well, that certainly
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16. is a starting position.
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17. What would we get in return?
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18. See, the thing is, we kind
of need some of our women,
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19. just for the whole continuation
of the species thing.
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20. Could we maybe
keep three women?
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21. Or maybe six women?
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22. Say our wives.
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23. They can fuckin'
keep Meredith.
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24. Say our wives and
Carlyle's secretary.
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25. Present
company's reproductive partners
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26. will be spared, but all other
women must be delivered.
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27. Okay, um...
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28. Now, say we were to give you
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29. all 500 of our women.
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30. What would you do with them?
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31. A great war has
erupted on the outer reaches
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32. of the Xanax system.
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33. Your women's ovaries are needed
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34. to power our machines of death.
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35. Okay.
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36. In return for this offering,
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37. the Robotussian warriors
will protect this sector
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38. from the Provasic invaders.
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39. They have been
systematically colonizing
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40. and draining these
more primitive planets
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41. of their resources.
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42. We stand as their sole
opponents in their quest
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43. to conquer the universe
and have traveled here
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44. to make ourselves known to you
as allies and defenders.
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45. We make this offer
of protection to any
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46. and all less civilized planets
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47. and only request
their allegiance
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48. and meager contribution.
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49. Well?
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50. Uh...
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51. Um...
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52. This...
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53. Yeah.
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54. Um, that sounds good to me.
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55. Um...
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56. If this is goin' down, then
we're gonna wanna be protected.
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57. We will also
offer you 500 Xanax women.
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58. Oh! Well, no.
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59. I, um, I don't think
that would be necessary.
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60. I'll take one.
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61. Imagine what you could do.
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62. We will also
provide you with
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63. communications technology so
that you might receive messages
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64. from our most high leader,
Lunesta Seven.
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65. He will provide you with
updates of our struggle.
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66. Oh, my God.
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67. Do not be alarmed.
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68. We know that your species'
male genitalia bears a striking
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69. resemblance to our zarflogs.
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70. What?
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71. No! No.
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72. I thought it was a zarflog!
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73. I was thinkin' zarflog
the whole time.
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74. Hold on. I know
how to make it go down.
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75. - Guys...
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76. Yup.
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77. Well,
will you accept our offer?
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78. Um, sounds like a deal.
Sounds like a deal.
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79. Shall we shake on it?
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80. Uh, nope. You know what?
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81. We don't really
shake hands on Earth.
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82. But good luck with the war and
take whatever women you want.
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83. That was
the most embarrassing meeting
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84. of my life.
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85. I can't believe I clumped
all over myself.
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86. I don't think they noticed.
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87. Then my zarflog
erupted on my face!
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88. It's okay.
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89. I should have never
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90. come to work this sick.
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91. Hey, what's up, man?
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92. - 'Sup, homies?
- Hello, brother.
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93. I've never seen y'all before.
You new to the hood?
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94. Yeah, we're from a ghetto
in a different city.
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95. Oh, y'all from DC?
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96. What?
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97. You got a Skins hat on, DC.
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98. - Oh!
- Oh!
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99. Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
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100. Yeah, we're from
a ghetto in DC.
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101. Yes.
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102. But not like the CIA
or anything!
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103. - No.
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104. Man, I am just really
stressed out lately.
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105. Just really, really tense.
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106. Dude, you should try
some of this crack!
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107. That's a great idea!
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108. Some crack would really
hit the spot right now.
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109. What y'all talkin' about?
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110. Oh, it's just
this new, inexpensive way
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111. to get incredibly high.
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112. You wouldn't be interested.
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113. Yeah, no, you're right.
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114. I gotta keep my mind clear,
stick to the books.
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115. I'm tryin' to go to
school in the Fall.
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116. Yeah.
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117. It's just this new way
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118. to help you get into
school this Fall.
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119. You wouldn't be interested.
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120. Wait.
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121. This can actually
help me get into school?
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122. Yeah.
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123. Just a little bit'll
really help you concentrate
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124. on your studies.
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125. Plus, you could
sell it and save all
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126. that money for college.
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127. Just an ounce of it
will get you up to 100 dollars.
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128. 100 dollars?
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129. Wow, that would help me pay
for all my books and stuff.
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130. Yeah, it could help you pay
for all your books and stuff.
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131. 100 dollars an ounce.
Wait a minute.
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132. What's that gonna cost me?
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133. Oh, for you,
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134. we have two vans full of it
over there for free.
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135. For free? That's great!
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136. And remember,
it's called crack.
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137. - Crack?
Yeah.
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138. C-R-A-C-K, crack.
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139. Here's a pager if
you need any more.
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140. Wow.
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141. Guys, wait.
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142. I just, I just want to say
this is a blessing.
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143. I don't know if you notice, but
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144. things have been kind
of rough around here.
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145. Holdin' down three jobs,
got a baby girl comin' in May,
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146. I just wasn't sure how
I was gonna make it, but...
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147. this is really gonna help me
get my life back on track.
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148. So, thanks, guys. Thank you.
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149. Hey, just doin' what we can.
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150. Here to help.
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151. Thanks, guys. Have a good day.
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152. Oh, by the way,
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153. there aren't any up-and-coming
Martin Luther King Jr. types
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154. we should know about, are there?
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155. What is it, baby?
What's goin' on?
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156. Nothing? Nothing's going on?
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157. Thank you!
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158. See, I was asleep
in the other room
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159. and would have had no idea that
absolutely nothing
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160. is going on in here unless
you alerted me to the fact.
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161. Hold on, I'll get your mother.
Hey, honey!
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162. Get in here!
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163. The baby wants us to know
that nothing is going on!
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164. Nothing going on?
That is remarkable news, baby!
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165. Both of you,
wait right here. Hang on.
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166. Oh, nothing. Thanks, baby.
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167. I'll cherish this forever.
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168. Well, if it's all right
with you now, baby,
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169. I'm gonna go back to sleep.
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170. You be sure to let me know
the very next time
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171. that absolutely nothing
happens though, okay?
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172. Come, Harold, let us
give thanks to the Lord
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173. for blessing us with such
a vigilant little infant.
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174. - Damn it!
- Oh, God, Tank.
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175. What are we gonna do?
Majesto is getting away!
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176. There's nothing to do.
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177. What? What do you mean
there's nothing to do?
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178. Well, he tied us to chairs
and threw us out of a plane.
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179. We gotta think!
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180. We gotta think of a way
to get out of this.
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181. There's no way out
of this situation.
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182. He tied to us to chairs,
and on top of that,
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183. he threw us out of an airplane.
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184. Checkmate. Game over.
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185. So you're just gonna give up?
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186. Listen, lady.
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187. Even if somehow I could
magically be untied
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188. from these ropes, we're still
falling from an airplane.
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189. What about that parachute
that got sucked out
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190. of the plane when
they opened the door?
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191. That's way over there.
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192. I can't believe you.
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193. Not half an hour ago you drove
a convertible off a bridge,
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194. leapt out, and managed
to grab hold of the rungs
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195. of an enemy helicopter.
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196. And you said the coolest,
funniest thing when you did it.
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197. What was it that you said?
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198. - You rung?
- Yeah!
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199. That was incredible!
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200. Why don't you do something
like that right now?
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201. Well, I had a convertible.
There was a helicopter there.
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202. This situation?
"Chair's" nothing to do.
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203. Maybe we can kick and
waggle our arms to swim over
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204. to the parachute.
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205. You said waggle!
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206. You've been Yellow Mustard-ed!
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207. When is your stupid fucking
show gonna leave our town?
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208. It is a sentiment
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209. that has been voiced
frequently here in Rapaport
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210. for quite some time.
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211. The cultural phenomenon
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212. that is the show
You've Been Yellow Mustard-ed
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213. has been renewed for
its fourth season
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214. and garnered its third
consecutive Emmy.
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215. Yet, despite the show's
success and popularity,
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216. the program refuses to
leave this sleepy hamlet.
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217. It was all fun and games at
first. Hell, I had a laugh.
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218. It's been four years now.
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219. They got everyone in town
multiple, multiple times.
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220. Well, the whole thing started
a while back when we offered
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221. the movie networks and
the TV studios
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222. a 40 percent tax rebate
to shoot here in Rapaport.
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223. It's been kind of dead here
job-wise since the motor plant
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224. shut down a while ago,
so we thought, hey,
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225. it might boost the economy
and the morale a bit.
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226. But it didn't.
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227. Because the only show
that came here
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228. was the goddamn mustard program.
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229. Excuse me, sir.
Our car is making odd sounds.
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230. Could you help us out?
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231. It's not funny anymore.
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232. The reason this show
will never not be funny
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233. is that it's real!
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234. These are real people,
they're not actors,
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235. and they're really
getting yellow mustard-ed!
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236. Chad Orwell is
the award-winning
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237. executive producer behind
You've Been Yellow Mustard-ed.
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238. These are not actors.
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239. These are your everyday,
run of the mill, ma and pa,
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240. salt of the earth, dumb as
doorknobs, backbones of America!
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241. I don't think
he respects Rapaport,
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242. and I don't think he respects
the people of Rapaport.
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243. I think he sees us as just
a bunch of small-town people
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244. to dump mustard on.
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245. And he keeps goin'
on and on about
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246. how the reactions are so real.
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247. Well, they're real
because we're mad!
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248. We're just mad
and we want it to stop!
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249. And it's not even like we're
surprised anymore anyway.
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250. We're all expectin' it.
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251. - Hey, can I get a hot dog?
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252. Sure. Do you want any
ketchup or mustard with that?
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253. Oh, never mind. Never mind.
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254. Oh, no, no, no. I'm not
one of those mustard guys.
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255. The people of Rapaport have
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256. caught on to the prank
a little bit,
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257. so to keep the show fresh,
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258. we have to keep uppin'
that ante and, you know,
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259. really think of ways to get
them when they least expect it.
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260. What the hell?
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261. You know, for every
complaint that we get,
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262. there's also 10,000 people
out there who really
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263. love this show.
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264. And I also think that somewhere,
deep down,
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265. the people of Rapaport
love this show, too.
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266. Besides, not many
people know this,
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267. but yellow mustard is actually
very good for the skin.
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268. It's not mustard.
- Oh, that's right.
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269. We actually no longer use
yellow mustard on the show.
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270. Turns out it was
actually a lot cheaper
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271. to just use yellow ink.
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272. Yeah, I remember the day
they made that switch.
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273. That was horrible
in a whole other kind of way.
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274. It's great.
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275. And this is the first time
that I'm announcing it,
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276. but the network has just
signed a ground-breaking deal
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277. that renews
You've Been Yellow Mustard-ed
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278. for an unprecedented
five additional seasons.
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279. So...
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280. we're gonna be here
in Rapaport, Michigan,
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281. for a very, very long time.
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282. Five more years?
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283. Why doesn't anybody help us?
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284. We try to write letters
to family and friends,
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285. but you know how
the post office is
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286. always getting mustard-ed,
and we'd call somebody for help,
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287. but you know how the show is,
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288. with takin' our
phones away and all.
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289. They were five
of the roughest convicts
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290. the state had ever seen.
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291. You boys are in a chain gang!
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292. On the run from the law.
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293. With nowhere to hide.
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294. Until they found their
way out of the frying pan...
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295. and into the fire.
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296. Oh, good.
You're the new teachers.
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297. Shut your traps
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298. or I'll cut each one
of your fuckin' heads off!
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299. You got that, cholos?
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300. We can't teach those kids.
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301. We're just gonna
teach 'em what we know.
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302. Let's say that Cleveland Steve
from cell-block D
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303. just got this fine new ladyboy
for a cell-mate.
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304. And let's say he's offering 20
minutes with this little punk
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305. for two packs of Newports.
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306. Then how much would it cost
for us to get 10 minutes
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307. with this little trick boy?
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308. One pack of Newports.
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309. Very good, Natalie.
No hole for you today.
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310. They're bringing
the big house...
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311. What's with the underwear, kid?
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312. Bobby gave me a wedgie
at recess.
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313. Oh, he did?
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314. to the schoolhouse.
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315. - Die, snitch!
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316. Kindergarten Cons.
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317. The other day,
Steve did the funniest thing.
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318. I asked him to go to the store—
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319. - You didn't!
- I did!
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320. I asked him to go
pick up some milk,
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321. and you would not believe
what he came back with.
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322. I couldn't begin to imagine.
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323. Diet Milk?
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324. - Milk!
- Oh!
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325. I can't believe it!
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326. I know! You are so cute!
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327. Yeah.
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328. Our lives should be,
like, a sitcom!
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329. I know!
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330. It could be about two couples
that are best friends
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331. and every week they meet to
talk about the crazy things
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332. that are happening
in their lives!
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333. And one of the couples is
thinking about getting a doggy!
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334. Scratch that.
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335. Both couples are thinking
about getting a doggy!
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336. - No!
- Yes!
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337. No!
I know!
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338. Oh! Our doggies
should get married!
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339. That would make us...
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340. Grand-doggies!
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341. Hmm.
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342. Awkward.
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343. Wow.
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344. Table monster.
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345. Table monster?
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346. Yeah. Table monsters
get people all the time.
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347. So anyway, what color are
you gonna dye your puppy?
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348. Oh, well, I hadn't really
thought about it yet.
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349. - Really?
- Just kidding!
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350. - Oh!
- I'm gonna dye it rose velvet.
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351. But velvet's not a color.
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352. I know, but it should be.
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353. Yeah.
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354. I'm gonna go and try
and take a shit.
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355. So, are you gonna make
your doggy go to church?
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356. - Every Sunday.
- We could carpool!
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357. - Yeah!
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358. Hey!
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359. - What's up, dude?
- What the hell, man?
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360. Uh, yeah, sorry, dude.
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361. It's just like, the two
of them in there at once,
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362. they're just...
I just can't, man.
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363. So you just leave me in there
and you fake your own death?
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364. You know,
I did this a while ago.
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365. I, like, made up this table
monster thing and Debbie, like,
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366. totally believes
whatever, so...
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367. Really?
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368. She doesn't ask questions
when you both go home together
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369. or later on at home?
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370. No, dude. Debbie does not
think about that kind of shit.
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371. A while back, I told her
I was off to the woods to, like,
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372. fight ghosts or something
for two weeks at a time,
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373. and she just said, "Good luck,"
and then packed me lunch.
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374. - Really?
- Yeah, dude.
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375. I got this other apartment
on the other side of town
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376. and just head over there
and get ripped all the time.
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377. It's sweet.
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378. - Wow.
I know.
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379. I'm headin' over there now, actually.
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380. I'm gonna listen to some mix
tapes I made in high school
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381. and do a shitload of bro-caine.
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382. You wanna come?
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383. Yeah. More than anything.
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384. But uh, you know,
I gotta get back to dinner.
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385. Dude, just get in there,
table monster that shit,
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386. and we can bounce.
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387. I don't care. I'll say it.
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388. The Loveliest Bride
was the best movie ever made!
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389. Oh, I know!
That bride was so lovely!
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390. I laughed and I cried,
and I cried, and I cried,
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391. and I cried, and I cried,
and I cried, and I cried...
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392. - I know!
- ... and I cried for weeks!
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393. Hey, what are you
two girls talkin' about?
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394. Whoa! Whoa!
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395. Whoa! Ohh!
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396. Oh! Table monster!
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397. That was no table monster!
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398. - What?
- Look.
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399. Yeah, table monsters don't
sound like that.
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400. Table monsters sound like:
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401. Frank!
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402. Did you try to fake your death
at this nice restaurant?
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403. Whoa! Whoa!
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404. Whoa! Whooaa!
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405. - Frank, no.
- Ah!
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406. Fuck! Fuck!
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407. Ah! Connie!
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408. Cocaine, dude? What's up?
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409. We should go back
to my place
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410. and play and watch MASH
all night long!
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411. Well, I was supposed
to go to work tomorrow,
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412. but not anymore!
Copy !req
413. - Hey, hey.
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414. You know, I heard that there's
all these ghosts in town,
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415. and I should probably
go and kill them, right?
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416. Frank.
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417. Fuck! Ah!
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418. - Girls night!
- Girls night!
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419. - Girls night!
- Girls night!
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420. Girls night!
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421. - Whoo!
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422. - Whoo!
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423. - Whoo!
- Whoo, whoo!
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424. Girls night! Girls night!
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425. Girls night!
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426. Holy shit!
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427. That's original.
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