1. I gotta find some
stuff for the yard sale!Copy !req
2. Oh, my God! A lamp!Copy !req
3. At last, I'm free from
the lamp's confines.Copy !req
4. I was in that thing
for quite a long time.Copy !req
5. Wow, a rhyming magic genie!Copy !req
6. No, actually that
was just a mistake,Copy !req
7. but now you have
three wishes to make.Copy !req
8. Wow, you rhymed again!Copy !req
9. Oh, I did, didn't I?Copy !req
10. But I assure you,
that was just an accident,Copy !req
11. oh me, oh my.Copy !req
12. You totally did
that on purpose.Copy !req
13. No, I didn't.Copy !req
14. No, I didn't.Copy !req
15. Fuck this,
I'm getting another genie.Copy !req
16. - Whoa!Copy !req
17. Yeah, baby, yeah!Copy !req
18. That is so outdated.Copy !req
19. Wait a minute, somebody
took my idea for a movie?Copy !req
20. You mean Austin Powers?Copy !req
21. Austin Powers!
That was my idea!Copy !req
22. Fuck this,
I'm getting another genie.Copy !req
23. Mini-Me, Dr. Evil,
did they do that stuff?Copy !req
24. Hey, kid.
I'm Darren, your genie.Copy !req
25. Eh.Copy !req
26. Now we're talking!Copy !req
27. Hello, kid!Copy !req
28. Hello, Genie!Copy !req
29. So I get three wishes, right?Copy !req
30. That's right.Copy !req
31. You're the lucky recipient
of three magic wishes.Copy !req
32. These wishes may drastically
change your life.Copy !req
33. So think long and hard
about what you really wantCopy !req
34. and what may improve
your existence,Copy !req
35. and then make your choice.Copy !req
36. I want my teacher dead.Copy !req
37. Uh...Copy !req
38. Look, I want you to know,Copy !req
39. I really don't feel
comfortable doing this.Copy !req
40. I don't give a flying fuck!
Shoot!Copy !req
41. Never even used
one of these before.Copy !req
42. It's easy.Copy !req
43. That's the business end,
point it at the target,Copy !req
44. and go to work.Copy !req
45. But it'll make her die.Copy !req
46. And that's my wish. Now do it.Copy !req
47. Okay, okay.Copy !req
48. You can do this.
You can do this.Copy !req
49. You're a fucking genie,
for Christ's sake.Copy !req
50. Did we get her?Copy !req
51. - Oh, you fucking got her.Copy !req
52. Ugh, ugh, ugh.Copy !req
53. Now about my second wish,Copy !req
54. I wanna have sex
with Megan Welbley.Copy !req
55. Who's that?Copy !req
56. She's the hottest girl
in school. She's a senior!Copy !req
57. Kid, I don't know.Copy !req
58. You're a genie.
You have to make it happen.Copy !req
59. That's the rule.Copy !req
60. Oh.Copy !req
61. Hi.Copy !req
62. What do you want?Copy !req
63. Well, I don't know
if you've noticedCopy !req
64. any of the freshmen
this year or anything.Copy !req
65. But I have this friend who's...Copy !req
66. He's really cool, and he
thinks you're really pretty.Copy !req
67. Megan, who is it?Copy !req
68. It's just some Smurf!Copy !req
69. Actually, I'm a genie.Copy !req
70. Kid, get in!
The talks didn't go so well.Copy !req
71. So about my third wish.Copy !req
72. What could you
possibly want now?Copy !req
73. I want to be president of
the United States of America.Copy !req
74. Kid, that's going
to take a long time.Copy !req
75. I mean, we're going to have
to start all grassroots.Copy !req
76. And kids aren't even eligible.Copy !req
77. Plus, it's going to be tough
since you just raped that woman.Copy !req
78. Or maybe I could wish that
there were no more genies.Copy !req
79. No, no, no. I'll do it.Copy !req
80. Fucking psycho.Copy !req
81. Hi, my name is Genie Simmons,Copy !req
82. and I'm here to talk to you
about Proposition 26-2A,Copy !req
83. which if voted for,
would enable childrenCopy !req
84. to run for president.Copy !req
85. And I just would like—Copy !req
86. Hi, I'd like to talk to youCopy !req
87. about electing Billy Masterson
to City Council.Copy !req
88. Hi, I'd like to talk to you
aboutCopy !req
89. Councilman Billy Masterson's
campaign for mayor.Copy !req
90. Hi, I'd like to talk to youCopy !req
91. about our adorable child
senator, Billy Masterson.Copy !req
92. Well, he's decided to take
a run for the Oval Office.Copy !req
93. Our pollsters
in Virginia say it is goingCopy !req
94. 49 to 51 there in favor
of the Governor of Alaska.Copy !req
95. Ladies and gentlemen,
we've just received word,Copy !req
96. with 63 percent of our
precincts reporting in,Copy !req
97. we are calling it
for Billy Masterson.Copy !req
98. - Whoo!Copy !req
99. Well kid, guess
this is goodbye.Copy !req
100. We've had some times,
haven't we, Genie?Copy !req
101. Yeah.Copy !req
102. My bitch teacher's dead,
I got some sweet puss,Copy !req
103. and now I'm the leader
of the free world.Copy !req
104. Picked up smoking.
My doctor says I have an ulcer.Copy !req
105. Huh! Yeah!Copy !req
106. Epilepsy Test!Copy !req
107. One moment,
please. Getting your results.Copy !req
108. One moment, please.
Getting your results.Copy !req
109. One moment, please.
Getting results.Copy !req
110. Please be patient while
we get your results.Copy !req
111. Thank you for your patience
while we look for your results.Copy !req
112. Okay, I'm getting
your results now.Copy !req
113. Please hold for results.Copy !req
114. Results are in!Copy !req
115. I am reading your results.Copy !req
116. Please hold while
I'm reading your results.Copy !req
117. Congratulations!
You don't have epilepsy.Copy !req
118. But you have
tested positive for...Copy !req
119. Glaucoma!Copy !req
120. Um, Okay.Copy !req
121. You had one super
bacon cheeseburger...Copy !req
122. Yes.Copy !req
123. Um, with monster fries
and extreme sauce?Copy !req
124. Yes, thank you.Copy !req
125. Um...Copy !req
126. A Spider-Man Coke and...Copy !req
127. Oh, one large pickle.Copy !req
128. Okay. Thanks for shopping at—Copy !req
129. Um...Copy !req
130. Okay. No refunds.
Next in line, pleaseCopy !req
131. Um, hold on a second.
Let me talk to your manager.Copy !req
132. Um, I am the manager.Copy !req
133. No refunds.
Next in line, please.Copy !req
134. No, not "Next in line, please."Copy !req
135. You threw up all over my food.Copy !req
136. Um, no, I didn't. Thanks
for shopping at Wendy's—Copy !req
137. No, you did. Get the manager.Copy !req
138. Dude!
Why are you making a scene?Copy !req
139. All these people
are watching you.Copy !req
140. You look ridiculous right now.Copy !req
141. Okay...Copy !req
142. Help! Manager, please.Copy !req
143. Dude! Narc!Copy !req
144. Yes, can I help you?
I'm the manager.Copy !req
145. Yes, your employee just
threw up all over my food.Copy !req
146. Um, no, I didn't.
He threw up on his own food.Copy !req
147. No, he did it. I saw him.Copy !req
148. Uh—Copy !req
149. Okay. You got me.Copy !req
150. Can't blame a guy
for trying though.Copy !req
151. I tried to play it off.Copy !req
152. Up top.Copy !req
153. No, no.Copy !req
154. Brian, you're not feeling well,
you need to go home.Copy !req
155. No, I think you
need to go home,Copy !req
156. 'cause you're the one
that's not feeling well.Copy !req
157. Brian, I'm not going to
tell you again, go home.Copy !req
158. Dude, why are you
making such a scene?Copy !req
159. Everyone's watching you.
You look ridiculous right now.Copy !req
160. Go home, Brian!Copy !req
161. Uh, no, Mr. Lagursky,
I'm not going toCopy !req
162. make out with you
and take you to promCopy !req
163. like you always ask me to.Copy !req
164. Okay, Brian, that is
strike three, you are fired.Copy !req
165. Uh, you can't fire me because
my dad owns the franchise.Copy !req
166. No, Brian. I own the franchise.Copy !req
167. Your dad is the town drunk
and you are fired. Now, go.Copy !req
168. All right.Copy !req
169. Tried to play it off, though.Copy !req
170. Come on, up top.Copy !req
171. - Get out.
- Come on.Copy !req
172. Get out.Copy !req
173. Okay.Copy !req
174. I will get out.Copy !req
175. But you guys will all be sorry.Copy !req
176. You'll never know
what you were missing.Copy !req
177. Because I swear to God,Copy !req
178. that that dude was the dudeCopy !req
179. that threw up in his own—Copy !req
180. You kids look likeCopy !req
181. you could use a delicious,
fruity beverage.Copy !req
182. Who are you?Copy !req
183. Might I suggest
Fizzy-Pops Grape Blast,Copy !req
184. the new soda from
Johnson and Hedges.Copy !req
185. Open wide, kids.Copy !req
186. Because I'm going to
grape you in the mouth!Copy !req
187. He is going to what
them in the mouth?Copy !req
188. He's gonna grape 'em.Copy !req
189. He's going to grape them?Copy !req
190. Yeah, in the mouth.Copy !req
191. - Right.
- Sure.Copy !req
192. There's more.Copy !req
193. No, I—
I'm sorry, uh...Copy !req
194. All right. Well, I'm not sure
that I'm comfortableCopy !req
195. with the catchphrase, "I'm gonna
grape you in the mouth,"Copy !req
196. for our new mascot. I mean—Copy !req
197. We're just not
sure about that one.Copy !req
198. Yeah, we might want
to workshop it a touch.Copy !req
199. Really? Why? That's his thing.Copy !req
200. He grapes people.Copy !req
201. He grapes people in the mouth.Copy !req
202. We're just not exactly
sure that that is—Copy !req
203. He sneaks into
little kids' roomsCopy !req
204. in the middle of the night and
he grapes them in the mouth.Copy !req
205. Okay, see, because
I think that the reasonCopy !req
206. that I'm a little hesitant
is because to me...Copy !req
207. it sounds like he's saying,Copy !req
208. to me,
it sounds like he's sayingCopy !req
209. he's going to...Copy !req
210. rape them.Copy !req
211. What?Copy !req
212. Oh! Oh! No!Copy !req
213. No, no, no, no, no! What? Oh.Copy !req
214. I'm sorry, I...Copy !req
215. Sir!Copy !req
216. Get your mind out of the gutter!Copy !req
217. He's a grape.Copy !req
218. How is a grape
gonna rape a ki—Copy !req
219. What are you talking about?Copy !req
220. But it sounds like—Copy !req
221. It's a grape commercial, sir.Copy !req
222. I love it.
He like, grapes the kids.Copy !req
223. Okay. I mean,
if I'm the minority here,Copy !req
224. we can keep going.Copy !req
225. Come here, kids!Copy !req
226. I'm gonna tie you to
the radiator and grape you—Copy !req
227. Okay.Copy !req
228. What? Why'd you stop it?Copy !req
229. "I'm gonna tie you to
the radiator and grape you"?Copy !req
230. - What?
- I'm going to rape you!Copy !req
231. - No, that's what itCopy !req
232. sounds like he's saying.Copy !req
233. - I love it.
- Really?Copy !req
234. Are you back on
this rape thing again?Copy !req
235. Why was he gonna
tie them to a radiator?Copy !req
236. That's how he grapes people.
That's what he does.Copy !req
237. No!Copy !req
238. He's the Grapist.Copy !req
239. The Grapist? That's his name?Copy !req
240. The Grapist, classic!Copy !req
241. This is obviously
a rape scenario.Copy !req
242. What? Why are
you trying to twistCopy !req
243. a children's soda commercialCopy !req
244. into your weird, sick,
sort of twisted pervy—Copy !req
245. Why were they running?Copy !req
246. Why was that child
screaming, "Mom"?Copy !req
247. Well, that kid is
a horrible actor.Copy !req
248. And the next time
we shoot the commercial,Copy !req
249. we're gonna use somebody else.
Because the thing is—Copy !req
250. These kids were
obviously horrified.Copy !req
251. Not that girl.Copy !req
252. Look, she's totally
asking for it.Copy !req
253. What?Copy !req
254. Look at her.
She's begging to get graped.Copy !req
255. Will you listen to yourself?Copy !req
256. Look what she's wearing.Copy !req
257. "Look what she's wearing"?Copy !req
258. It's purple.Copy !req
259. Oh, okay.Copy !req
260. No, no, no!Copy !req
261. Grape those kids! I love it!Copy !req
262. Look, do you guys want
the commercial or not?Copy !req
263. Yes, we want the commercial.Copy !req
264. Of course, we want
the commercial.Copy !req
265. - We want it.
- Here's the paperwork.Copy !req
266. I just have some
serious reservationsCopy !req
267. about this whole thing.Copy !req
268. - Do you mind?
- No, not at all.Copy !req
269. Buy some today
and get a free grape whistle.Copy !req
270. A grape whistle? Really?Copy !req
271. Okay, when
I finish graping you,Copy !req
272. I'm gonna go upstairsCopy !req
273. and I'm gonna grape your
mother and your father.Copy !req
274. And then I'm going to
take your whole familyCopy !req
275. down to the basement
and grape you allCopy !req
276. for decades and
decades and decades.Copy !req
277. See, I think this is too much.
I think it's too much.Copy !req
278. Shh.Copy !req
279. - Thanks.Copy !req
280. Hey, give me one of
those lottery tickets.Copy !req
281. New Fizzy-Pop Grape Blast.Copy !req
282. Buy some today—Copy !req
283. Dave, did you
take out the trash?Copy !req
284. Shh! In a second!Copy !req
285. And now it's timeCopy !req
286. for the Power Slam Pick Seven.Copy !req
287. Tonight's winning numbers are:Copy !req
288. - Six.
- Ooh!Copy !req
289. 12.Copy !req
290. 29.Copy !req
291. - Woo-hoo! Woo!Copy !req
292. What are you gonna do
with all that money?Copy !req
293. Well, I have plans to invest.Copy !req
294. Hi, I'd like 35 million
lottery tickets, please.Copy !req
295. What are you gonna do
with all that money?Copy !req
296. I have some more
plans to invest.Copy !req
297. 69.Copy !req
298. Thanks for playing
the Power Slam Seven.Copy !req
299. You're an idiot,
you know that?Copy !req
300. Fuck you!Copy !req
301. Take out the trash.Copy !req
302. Hi. Hello, Ronald Reagan,
nice to meet you,Copy !req
303. Mr. Reagan,
I'm your biggest fan.Copy !req
304. I love that movie where you
get drunk with a monkey.Copy !req
305. Oh, bless your heart. Thank you.Copy !req
306. Mr. Reagan,
now that you're president,Copy !req
307. are you still going
to make movies?Copy !req
308. The president will be very
busy serving the country.Copy !req
309. I don't think he'll have
any time to make any movies.Copy !req
310. - I don't know about that.Copy !req
311. I don't know.Copy !req
312. Yeah, you're the best,
Mr. Reagan.Copy !req
313. - Ah!
Yeah!Copy !req
314. I'm really sorry, everybody,
but the president has to go.Copy !req
315. Okay, let's—Copy !req
316. President Reagan,Copy !req
317. have you seen any movies
that you've liked recently?Copy !req
318. - Well—
Okay, again,Copy !req
319. I'm really sorry,
we've got to be on our way.Copy !req
320. Well, hold on now.
I'm talking about the movies.Copy !req
321. Now, I quite like those
Star Wars movies.Copy !req
322. Okay, Mr. President,Copy !req
323. we have a very important
meeting to go to.Copy !req
324. Mr. President,
would you considerCopy !req
325. being in one of those
Star Wars movies?Copy !req
326. Okay, the President's not gonna
be in any Star Wars movies.Copy !req
327. Now, now, hold on.Copy !req
328. I think I might do a pretty mean
Han Solo impersonation.Copy !req
329. Watch it, Chewie!
There's stormtroopers around.Copy !req
330. Mr. President, we have
a very important meetingCopy !req
331. about how to stopCopy !req
332. the unprecedented rise
of AIDS this decade.Copy !req
333. Oh, fuck all that shit.
I'm talking about the movies.Copy !req
334. - Movies!Copy !req
335. Movies and me!Copy !req
336. Me and movies! Me and movies!Copy !req
337. Ah, geez.
I don't know, Mr. Benji.Copy !req
338. There sure are an awful lot
of people around them.Copy !req
339. They're probably all
gonna be hopping madCopy !req
340. if I go and shoot the President
of the United States.Copy !req
341. What? Nah!Copy !req
342. No, they will.
They totally will.Copy !req
343. They'll be plenty mad.Copy !req
344. Then they'll probably
all chase me downCopy !req
345. and beat me up or something.Copy !req
346. No, they won't.Copy !req
347. People don't like
to get involved.Copy !req
348. They'll probably
just think it wasCopy !req
349. something between you and him.Copy !req
350. They'll be like,
"Whoa, not my business."Copy !req
351. I don't know.Copy !req
352. I'm starting to think
I'm a crazy personCopy !req
353. for even considering
something like this.Copy !req
354. You, John Hinckley, crazy?Copy !req
355. Don't be ridiculous.Copy !req
356. Let me tell you
what would be crazy,Copy !req
357. finding a talking dog on
your doorstep one morningCopy !req
358. and not doing everything
it tells you to do.Copy !req
359. Yeah, I guess you're right.Copy !req
360. Of course I'm right.Copy !req
361. Now, don't be a crazy personCopy !req
362. and go and shoot the president
in the fucking face!Copy !req
363. I think he's buying it,
Vice President George Bush.Copy !req
364. Shh! Come on. Really?Copy !req
365. Why the hell would you say that?Copy !req
366. Sorry about that, sir.Copy !req
367. You said my name and title.Copy !req
368. It sounded so unnatural!Copy !req
369. So sorry, sir.Copy !req
370. "I think he's buying it,Copy !req
371. Vice President
George HW Bush,Copy !req
372. who lives in Washington, DC."Copy !req
373. Sorry, sir.Copy !req
374. You're a CIA agent,
for Christ's sake.Copy !req
375. So sorry.Copy !req
376. Shut up, don't say sorry!Copy !req
377. - My B.
- Stop it!Copy !req
378. Sorry about that.Copy !req
379. Don't! Stop saying sorry.
Don't even say sorry.Copy !req
380. Just stop talking.Copy !req
381. - Sorry.
- Stop!Copy !req
382. Why don't you just read outCopy !req
383. my entire Social Security
Number while you're at it?Copy !req
384. Jesus!Copy !req
385. Doggie, why do
you have two voices?Copy !req
386. Nothing, I'm just
possessed with demons.Copy !req
387. Like in The Exorcist.Copy !req
388. Oh my God!Copy !req
389. That movie is so scary!Copy !req
390. The first time I saw it,Copy !req
391. I couldn't watch a little girl
sleeping in a bed for months.Copy !req
392. Yeah, it was really scary.Copy !req
393. Now come on,
let's do this shit.Copy !req
394. You know what
a really scary movie is?Copy !req
395. Have you ever seen
Rosemary's Baby?Copy !req
396. No. John, let's stay focused.Copy !req
397. Oh my God.
Doggie, you have to see it.Copy !req
398. Okay, Mr. President,
we got this budget meetingCopy !req
399. that we really gotta—Copy !req
400. That was my
Chewbacca impression.Copy !req
401. Mr. Reagan, what are you
going to do about the Soviets?Copy !req
402. Oh, well, I thinkCopy !req
403. I'll tell everyone that
they're like the Empire.Copy !req
404. That way nobody will like them.Copy !req
405. And then I'll tell NASACopy !req
406. to build its own
Star Wars weapons.Copy !req
407. Yeah!Copy !req
408. Mr. President,
are we getting a Death Star?Copy !req
409. Oh, we're getting
a Death Star!Copy !req
410. And then the shark comes up
and the lady's all like,Copy !req
411. "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!"Copy !req
412. And it was so scary.Copy !req
413. I don't care.
John, listen to me. John.Copy !req
414. Like seriously, top three
times scared ever.Copy !req
415. Hey, do you want to
know what this is from?Copy !req
416. No, I don't.Copy !req
417. - Are you talking to me?
No.Copy !req
418. 'Cause there's nobody else here.Copy !req
419. I don't care.Copy !req
420. Then who are you talking to?Copy !req
421. I don't care.Copy !req
422. John. John Hinckley.
Listen to the possessed dog.Copy !req
423. It's from Taxi Driver.
Have you seen that movie?Copy !req
424. It is so good.Copy !req
425. Jodie Foster's in it and
she's like super cute.Copy !req
426. Hey,
I know Jodie Foster.Copy !req
427. You do?Copy !req
428. Yeah, and
I'll get her to blow youCopy !req
429. if you'll shoot the goddamn
president in the faceCopy !req
430. so I can fucking be president!Copy !req
431. Okay. Sounds good.Copy !req
432. God, people
fucking love movies.Copy !req
433. Holy shit!Copy !req
434. That's original.Copy !req