1. Christmas Eve, 1944,
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2. deep in the bunkers
of Nazi Germany,
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3. the Yankee troops are
closing in on their target,
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4. Nazi President, Adolf Hitler.
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5. All right, boys,
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6. we are one doorway
away from being heroes!
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7. If that is Hitler in there,
when we get back home,
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8. they're gonna name
streets after us!
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9. All right. Broadway,
Park, Main, let's do this!
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10. You got it, First Avenue!
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11. It's primed!
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12. Hitler! We're coming in
to get you, you Jew Bastard!
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13. No, Main! That's not—
Fuck it, whatever!
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14. All right, boys, let's do this!
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15. Go! Go! Go!
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16. What in the...
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17. What the...
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18. You're under arrest, Hitler!
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19. No! Don't arrest him!
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20. That's Charlie Chaplin!
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21. That's not Charlie Chaplin!
That's fuckin' Hitler!
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22. No, dude!
Hitler doesn't have that hat!
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23. See? Hitler doesn't
walk like that!
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24. Yeah, but this guy's
got the same mustache.
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25. Yeah, but this guy's funny!
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26. Yeah, yeah,
he is pretty funny!
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27. Charlie Chaplin, what are
you doin' in this bunker?
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28. Yeah, you shouldn't be in here!
This place is dangerous!
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29. - This?
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30. What is he gonna do?
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31. You're the best, Charlie!
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32. You saved
my life again, Charlie Chaplin.
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33. I truly am your biggest fan.
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34. And I truly am
your biggest fan, Adolf Hitler.
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35. Best friends!
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36. Tired of the Bible?
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37. Got a whole bunch of
young'uns that need
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38. to know their Bible stories?
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39. Well, what's a feller to do?
Wonder no more!
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40. 'Cause now, there's Bible
Stories With Me: Luther B!
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41. My 20-part video
series is a must-have
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42. for any church youth group,
vacation bible school,
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43. or even your own rec room!
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44. The Bible's cool again!
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45. Each Bible story
is acted out by yours truly,
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46. and a cast of
professional actors!
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47. There's all sorts of Bible
stories like "Adam and Eve"!
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48. Oh, there's no food
in this Garden of Eden!
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49. I'm hungry already.
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50. Bye, honey. I gotta go
name all the bears today.
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51. Don't eat anything.
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52. Oh, my God, a snake, already.
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53. Get away! Shoo!
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54. But wait. I have
an apple for you to eat.
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55. Featuring the voice
talents of Richard Johnson.
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56. You might remember him from
his three separate appearances
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57. on the hit sitcom, Coach,
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58. and the Mattress Warehouse
commercials.
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59. Honey! The snake
poisoned the apple!
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60. There's "Noah's Ark"!
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61. Noah, let us into your ark,
or we'll drown!
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62. - God told me not to!
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63. "Daniel in the Lion's Den"!
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64. I'll kill you, lions!
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65. I'll kill you all!
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66. "Jonah and the Whale"!
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67. I hate whales!
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68. I hate whales!
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69. "David and Goliath"!
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70. No giant's gonna
eat my family!
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71. Fee, fi, fo, oww!
And "Revelations"!
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72. There's monsters everywhere!
Run, God! Run!
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73. Stay back!
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74. Stay back, Dracula!
You, freeze, Monkey Priest!
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75. Frankenstein, go away!
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76. Dinosaur!
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77. And if you order the
entire set of videos today
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78. for the low price of $299,
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79. we'll throw in the Bonus
Original Bible Story,
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80. "Jesus and the Monkey."
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81. Available exclusively
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82. at Bible Stories
With Me: Luther B!
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83. So pick up the phone
and call my house today!
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84. You and your cat
have a special bond
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85. that no one else
can understand.
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86. So why not pamper him
with Feline Delights?
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87. Your cat will enjoy
the flavorful hints of tuna,
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88. oyster and salmon.
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89. And you'll receive
the affection
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90. you've always desired.
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91. Feline Delights.
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92. We guarantee your cat will
see you in a whole new light.
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93. I swear I've—I've never
seen this commercial before.
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94. You—I re—I really didn't.
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95. We interrupt Mall Bitches
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96. to bring you this Music Channel
Television News Newscast.
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97. Now, here's your host,
Blizzard.
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98. Hi. Okay, well,
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99. so as everybody
knows by now, um,
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100. last night aliens came to Earth,
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101. and abducted all
the world's smart people.
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102. So, um, we don't know
when they're comin' back.
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103. And, uh, we're pretty
much the only news team
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104. that's still around, so uh,
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105. keep it here while we try
to figure out what to do.
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106. Um, also, sorry about
the Mall Bitches marathon.
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107. Uh, Brian hit a button
in the control room
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108. and that made Mall Bitches
start playing,
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109. and it took us a long time to
figure out how to turn it off.
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110. So, really sorry 'bout that.
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111. Anyway, moving on, we go now
to tonight's top news story.
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112. Aliens have abducted all
the world's smart people.
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113. Yeah, I kinda already
told you guys about that,
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114. but that's our top news story.
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115. It's a pretty big deal.
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116. Never, ever in the history
of anything,
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117. ever happening have
Brian or I ever heard
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118. about anything like
this happening,
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119. ever before. Brian, Brian!
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120. That's the one I'm using.
Brian, that's the one I'm using!
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121. - Yeah, huh.
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122. Nu-uh!
- Yeah, huh.
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123. Nu-uh!
- Look, the light's on, man!
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124. I'm—yeah, see?
That was my camera.
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125. Okay. Thank you.
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126. Stop yelling!
- I'm not yelling!
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127. Yeah, you are.
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128. Sorry about that.
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129. Okay, now we move on to
tonight's second news story.
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130. Ozzfest will be going on
as planned this weekend.
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131. That's right, Ozzfest not
affected by the abduction
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132. of all the world's smart people.
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133. So you could go...
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134. Brian, put up
the Ozzfest graphic.
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135. It is.
- The Ozzfest graphic!
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136. It's up.
- No, it's not!
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137. It's the alien one, man!
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138. What?
- It's still the alien!
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139. No, it's not!
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140. Yeah, huh!
Look at the monitor!
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141. - I'm look—
- What are you talking about?
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142. Why would I lie
about that, man?
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143. Thank you! Okay.
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144. Now put up the Ozzfest graphic!
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145. Oh, my God! I just
saw Kayla at the mall.
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146. Ugh, she's such a bitch!
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147. You know, she's
secretly dating Jordan?
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148. Oh, my God! That bitch!
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149. I saw them at the mall.
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150. I feel so betrayed right now!
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151. Going to the mall used to
be my and Jordan's thing!
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152. That bitch!
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153. What are you gonna do?
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154. I'm gonna go to the mall!
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155. What if you see that
bitch at the mall?
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156. Oh, I want to see
that bitch at the mall!
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157. See? This is it.
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158. This is the button that
stops Mall Bitches.
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159. Brian, pay attention!
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160. The button that
starts Mall Bitches
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161. stops Mall Bitches.
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162. Really should have been
the first button you checked.
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163. God! Sometimes I don't
know why I wasn't abducted!
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164. Hi, bitch! I heard about
you and Jordan at the mall.
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165. Brian!
- Whatcha talking about, bitch?
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166. Help get this thing
off of me, man!
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167. - Ceedra told me everything!
- Oh, my God!
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168. Brian! Brian!
- What a bitch!
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169. Ow, careful! Ow!
- You're the bitch!
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170. Brian, Brian!
Careful! Careful, careful!
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171. You're the biggest bitch I know!
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172. I'm going to the mall!
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173. Woooo-weeeee!
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174. I'm Big Mitch Huggins,
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175. owner and spokesman of Huggins
Family Auto Dealership!
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176. Come on down this Saturday
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177. for our Father's Day
Blow Out Extravaganza!
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178. And to celebrate Father's Day,
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179. I'm gonna have my boys
show you around the lot.
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180. Take it away, buckaroos!
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181. So we got this car,
we got that car,
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182. we got this car, that car...
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183. This car is a...
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184. It's a van. You can smoke in it.
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185. At most other car dealerships,
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186. you're probably sick and tired
of being treated like this!
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187. Hello, customer.
What can I do ya for?
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188. My family and I need
a new car, but I, like,
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189. don't have good credit,
or something.
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190. Denied! Take a hike, jerk!
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191. Then come on down to Huggins
Family Auto Dealership,
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192. where you'll be
treated like this!
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193. So, all that stuff
about my credit again.
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194. Well, that's no problem
here, son!
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195. You got yourself a deal! And
here's a free bumper sticker!
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196. That's right, for every
car or truck that you buy,
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197. you get a free bumper sticker.
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198. So get your behinds
down here this Saturday,
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199. for our Father's Day
Blowout Extravaganza!
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200. - Dad!
- Ugh!
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201. Wrap 'er up boys, wrap 'er up!
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202. So, come on down
this Saturday for...
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203. Brian!
- What?
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204. So come on down this Saturday
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205. to our Father's Day Blowout
Bonanza, at Huggins Car Store...
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206. - Fuck it.
Derrick!
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207. So, what do you
wanna do tonight?
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208. I don't know.
Let's go to a bar.
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209. Yeah, right. How are
we gonna get into a bar?
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210. Hmm...
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211. Have your IDs out.
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212. Hello, sir!
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213. I would like two ti—
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214. I mean one ticket
to the bar please.
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215. You don't need tickets.
You just need ID.
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216. Oh! Um, I seem to have left
my identification at home.
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217. But look how tall I am!
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218. I really doubt that
someone of my height
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219. would be underage to drink.
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220. Yeah, you're pretty tall.
All right.
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221. Thank you!
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222. Awesome, we're in!
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223. Oh, hello. How's it going?
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224. Hello, fellow bar patrons.
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225. What'll it be?
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226. I would like one
piña colada please.
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227. One piña colada.
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228. Ah, and one more, please.
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229. Um, and one more, please.
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230. This one's from the lady
at the end of the bar.
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231. Um, hi.
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232. Thank you for buying me a drink.
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233. Don't mention it.
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234. So, um,
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235. are you really that tall?
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236. Yes. Are you really that tall?
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237. - Um, absolutely.
Yes.
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238. Well, good.
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239. You know, I think
it's so difficult
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240. to meet other tall
people these days.
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241. It is. It really, really is.
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242. So, do you wanna
ask me to dance?
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243. Um, sure.
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244. Let's go dance.
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245. Here. And go!
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246. - Oh, that was pretty good!
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247. I am just having
the best time.
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248. - Me too.
- And, uh,
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249. I was wondering if maybe
you'd wanna come back
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250. to my place later?
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251. For a nightcap?
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252. Um, yeah, sure.
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253. That sounds like a great idea.
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254. - Great.
- Um, I just need
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255. to use the rest room first.
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256. Sure.
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257. Man, this is going great.
I think she really likes us.
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258. I wanna be on top now.
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259. Well, I would trade
places with you, buddy,
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260. but I kinda think
she'd notice now.
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261. What? We look the same!
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262. Yeah, we look the same,
but our voices are different.
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263. Oh, yeah. This sucks.
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264. We're about to get laid tonight,
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265. and you're gonna
have all the fun.
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266. Dude! Think about it!
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267. You're on the bottom!
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268. Oh, yeah! Oh, wait!
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269. Since we look so tall,
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270. she's probably gonna
expect a huge penis!
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271. You're right!
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272. Her vagina must be gargantuan!
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273. What are we gonna do?
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274. Wait a minute!
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275. We look so tall
he's probably going
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276. to be expecting
a gargantuan vagina!
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277. You're right!
His penis must be huge!
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278. What are we going to do?
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279. I don't wanna be on
the bottom anymore!
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280. I don't wanna be on the bottom!
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281. - Ooh!
- So, this is my place.
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282. Listen, before
things go any further,
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283. I feel that there's something
that I should tell you.
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284. I have a little bit of
a confession to make.
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285. Really?
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286. What is it?
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287. Well, and I know I should
have told you this right after
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288. I first met you, but...
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289. I like to have sex
with my coat on.
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290. Oh!
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291. That's great! I do too!
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292. And standing up.
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293. I have no problem with that.
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294. - Really?
- Yeah.
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295. Uh, wow!
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296. Okay, then, umm,
let's do this thing!
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297. I guess I'll just pull out
my big penis, here.
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298. Oh! There he is!
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299. - Oh!
- Okay.
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300. - Wow!
- All right.
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301. I guess I'll...
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302. whip out my vagina!
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303. - Wohoo-hoo-hoo!
- Okay, here we go!
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304. Woah!
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305. - Here we go!
- Woah!
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306. Woah!
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307. - Woah!
- Yeeow!
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308. - Yeeow!
- Ooh!
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309. - Ooh!
- Oh! Oh!
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310. Oooh! Ohh!
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311. Clear. Form up on me.
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312. - Got contact?
- Yeah.
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313. We got two bogies on
the west side of the barn.
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314. Looks like a heavy machine gun
unit and some infantry.
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315. Shit!
There's a sniper in the barn.
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316. Good thing he doesn't see
us yet. Fuckin' noobs.
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317. Okay, here's the plan.
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318. On the count of three,
you take out that sniper.
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319. DaBears and I will go
after the machine gunners.
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320. Got that?
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321. Mom!
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322. DaBears!
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323. Mom, can I have a sandwich?
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324. DaBears, shut up!
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325. I don't know.
Peanut butter and jelly.
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326. Fucking Christ, DaBears!
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327. What?
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328. DaBears, shut up
and play the fuckin' game.
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329. I'm getting my mom to make
me a sandwich, you guys.
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330. Look, whatever.
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331. Now, on the count
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332. of three we're gonna take out
those gunners by the barn.
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333. I don't see 'em.
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334. Use your radar.
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335. No! Not us!
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336. Look where I'm looking.
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337. Ohhh.
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338. I'll get it!
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339. What? You'll get what?
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340. - Hello?
- Oh, my God!
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341. Get off the phone.
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342. Mom!
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343. Phone!
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344. It's Mrs. McGlaughlin!
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345. - God!
What?
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346. - No. No!
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347. No, Mom!
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348. I wasn't even there!
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349. Turn your fucking mic off.
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350. I wasn't even there!
Mom, oh, my God!
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351. DaBears, turn your mic off.
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352. Oh, my God!
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353. I wasn't even there!
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354. Well, Caleb's a liar!
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355. Shut your fucking mic off!
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356. Mom, you always do this!
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357. Mom, you always do this.
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358. That's it, I'm backin' out.
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359. Dude, don't quit.
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360. No, I'm backin' out.
I'm goin' back to the lobby.
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361. Dude!
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362. Fuck, man.
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363. Guys? Guys?
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364. Guys?
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365. Guys!
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366. Holy shit!
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