The Whitest Kids U' Know 3x20

1. Hey, face, shitter's broke.

2. Are you serious?

3. Yeah.

4. There's poop water all over the floor.

5. I just unclogged that.

6. What have you been eating?

7. I ate all those nachos in the kitchen.

8. Those were my nachos.

9. I was saving those nachos.

10. Finders, keepers, bra.

11. You know,

12. I really wish that you would appreciate the risk

13. that I'm taking here.

14. Too bad.

15. Look, if they find you,

16. I'm gonna get in just as much trouble as you are, you know?

17. And I don't wanna come down on you.

18. I like having you here.

19. I just...

20. I wish you would respect my house.

21. Do you want some cheese with that wine?

22. I don't even know what that means.

23. Nazis.

24. Oh shit, it's the Nazis.

25. Who?

26. It's the fucking guys that are coming to...

27. Just get in the closet.

28. Please get in the closet?

29. Please, get in the closet, or we're gonna die, thank you.

30. All right, but I'm only standing in there

31. for five minutes tops.

32. Your closet sucks.

33. Hello, we are your local Nazis.

34. We apologize for the intrusion,

35. but we received a tip that you are harboring jerks here.

36. Wha—You did?

37. Really?

38. No, guys, sorry, no... no jerks here.

39. Oh!

40. I notice that you have left some pornography

41. out on your living room table.

42. Yeah, that's, um,

43. that's mine, that's my stuff.

44. This is not your run of the mill pornography either.

45. This is some very heavy stuff.

46. Whips, lactation.

47. You know, in some of our research,

48. we have found that jerks

49. tend to leave their hardcore pornography

50. laying all over the place.

51. Yeah, but see, I just didn't know

52. that you guys were gonna be coming over.

53. So that's... that's why that's mine.

54. So, are you a jerk?

55. Am I a jerk?

56. No.

57. I'm not at all, I'm not, I'm your, you know,

58. I'm more like your meek, kind of shy, pervert.

59. And, you know, right before you guys came over,

60. I was getting ready to masturbate

61. with that stuff.

62. To jerk off?

63. Jerk off, no, ha.

64. No, to Hitler off, really.

65. Good.

66. Very well.

67. Come, Hans, let us continue our search

68. for the Arc of the Covenant.

69. Yes, very well.

70. Safety.

71. What...

72. was...

73. that?

74. I was just saying, have a safe trip.

75. I do not think you are wishing us a safe journey.

76. I'm thinking that you are hiding a jerk here!

77. Nope, I'm not.

78. There's not a jerk here.

79. Then you wouldn't mind

80. if we were to release a nerd into your house,

81. would you?

82. A nerd?

83. Guys, there's,

84. there's no reason to bring a nerd here.

85. Nerd, here!

86. Oh God.

87. It's so cold in the car,

88. but I didn't wanna roll down the windows

89. 'cause all the allergens in the sky and everything.

90. And I heard on AM radio that—

91. Nerd, silence!

92. Go be nerdy around the house.

93. Start by the closet.

94. Okay, I mean, I really don't know

95. what you guys want me to do.

96. Oh, just be yourself.

97. Talk about whatever comes to your mind.

98. Well, it's damp in here.

99. Hey, do you guys want to hear

100. about the new web comic that I'm writing?

101. It's about the Talking Heads,

102. and they go around solving all these mysteries,

103. just like in The X-Files.

104. Do you guys wanna see

105. my impression of Heath Ledger's Joker?

106. My closet!

107. All right, Jerk, we know you're in there.

108. You're coming with us.

109. All right, I'm gonna come out of the closet.

110. But, not, like, come out of the closet,

111. 'cause, like, I'm totally into chicks.

112. , you can suck it.

113. But, not, like, suck mine, like...

114. You know, whatever.

115. Get in the car.

116. Shotgun!

117. Ugh, they always get me with that one.

118. The jerks always call shotgun.

119. Good job, Wildcats!

120. We're the champs!

121. Hey, you guys played a great game,

122. and now, we have the Rivercrest divisional trophy!

123. - Awesome, all right.

124. All right, great game guys.

125. Guess what I went out and bought us?

126. An even bigger trophy!

127. - Yeah, woo!

128. Ah, never mind them.

129. We know in our hearts that we won,

130. and that's all that matters.

131. Yeah, yeah!

132. Guess what else I got?

133. - A trophy for each one of us!

134. That way we each get to take something home.

135. 'Cause that's all that matters! Yeah! Yeah!

136. Do we each get trophies?

137. No, we don't each get trophies.

138. Yeah, yeah! - That coach is just a...

139. a jerk.

140. Guess what else?

141. Last week I called the pizza place,

142. and they said after the game,

143. we each get a personal pizza for free!

144. - Yeah, woo!

145. Yeah, we're number one!

146. We're number one, we're number one!

147. Did you call the pizza place?

148. No, I didn't call the fuckin' pizza place.

149. Good evening, everyone, I'm Brian Morales.

150. We interrupt your regularly scheduled program

151. to bring you some breaking news.

152. A bank heist in the downtown area has gone horribly wrong,

153. resulting in a shootout

154. with police officers in broad daylight.

155. We go now live to Robert Harris

156. with our eye in the sky, Chopper Three.

157. Robert, what can you see?

158. Well, as you can see below me,

159. the suspects fled the scene in a white Ford Taurus,

160. and they are moving recklessly fast.

161. I mean, you just have to hope to God

162. that they don't hit

163. one of these other motorists down there.

164. Robert, about how fast do you think the car is going?

165. Extremely fast, Brian.

166. I'd say in excess of 80 miles an hour.

167. I mean, I can really see by the way that they're swerving

168. in and out of the...

169. What the?

170. That's Meredith's car.

171. Uh, Robert, what's going on with the pursuit there?

172. She said she was going out of town

173. for her grandmother's birthday.

174. Robert, the car?

175. I should have known.

176. I should have known.

177. So, what's up with the pursuit, Robert?

178. Nothing changes.

179. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

180. How could I have been so stupid?

181. Okay, Robert,

182. we're just gonna have to switch to another feed now, so—

183. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

184. I want all the people at home

185. to hear what a lowlife gutter whore sounds like.

186. I'm calling her.

187. Okay, Casey, let's cut the feed.

188. You kill that feed,

189. and I'll crash this helicopter straight into the newsroom.

190. You know me, Brian, you know I'll do it.

191. Okay, Casey, let's keep the feed going.

192. Let's keep the feed on.

193. Come on, Meredith, pick up the phone.

194. Pick it up.

195. Hello?

196. How's it going, bitch?

197. What?

198. I said, hey, how's it goin'?

199. Oh, pretty good, pretty good.

200. How's grandma?

201. Oh, she's fine.

202. You know grandma.

203. Put her on for me.

204. What?

205. I said put her on.

206. Oh, you're breaking up.

207. You know what?

208. I gotta go.

209. Grandma's about to pull out her catheter.

210. Meredith.

211. I love you.

212. Okay, now.

213. Gotta run.

214. I said, I love you.

215. Thanks, bye.

216. Oh.

217. Well, seven years, four months, and 22 days

218. of not drinking down the hatch.

219. - Cheers, Meredith.

220. Hey Robert, maybe we should just take a breath here

221. and let's bring the chopper down

222. and call it a day, okay, buddy?

223. Oh, I'll bring the chopper down all right.

224. I'll bring it down right on top of her fat cheating face.

225. - Robert...

226. Oh, Meredith.

227. Meredith.

228. You really did it this time.

229. Now is not a good time to be calling.

230. Yeah, no shit he suspects something.

231. He's watching you.

232. No, I mean he's working right now and he's watching you.

233. No, don't come here.

234. Meredith, do not come here.

235. Don't lead him here.

236. So long, baby.

237. Till death do us part, right?

238. Casey, cut the feed, just cut the damn feed, okay?

239. Ready for your closeup, skank?

240. Meredith, get out of the car.

241. Get ready to taste blade.

242. Admiral Akbar!

243. In other news, let's go now live to Karen Atwater,

244. with this week's movie review.

245. Thanks, Brian.

246. The Invisible Dog II is a delightful film

247. that will have you and your young pups begging for more.

248. I give this happy tale two paws up.

249. "Woof, woof," you'll say,

250. as you roll over at this fetching arf-venture

251. that's sure to win best in show.

252. You won't wanna give this movie the doggy door.

253. No, no.

254. You'll wanna sit, stay, and watch it over and over again.

255. Bow, wow.

256. Jesus, Karen, if you didn't want the assignment,

257. you should have just said something.

258. Well, it's not my door.

259. It's not mine.

260. Well, someone's door is open.

261. Sorry, hang on.

262. One more time, sorry, guys.

263. I am so sorry.

264. Look, it's not your door.

265. Does everybody have their seat belts on?

266. I do.

267. - I don't. - Yes you do.

268. Can you unlock my window?

269. No, I can't unlock your window.

270. We're about to take off.

271. Unlock my window.

272. No, we're about to go into space.

273. You can't roll your window down.

274. I'm not gonna roll my window down.

275. Then why do you need me to unlock it?

276. Do you guys hear that dinging?

277. I want you to unlock it 'cause you're not the boss of me,

278. and I like to have control of my own window.

279. Um, yes, I am the boss of you.

280. That's what "commander" means.

281. And, no, I'm not unlocking your window.

282. Well, turn the AC on then.

283. See, you were gonna roll your window down.

284. Maybe that dinging is because the trunk is open.

285. Spaceships don't have trunks.

286. Okay, you know what, screw it.

287. I'm just gonna go.

288. Moving on to the second issue,

289. is that, recently, it's come to my attention that...

290. I'm not particularly sure

291. what it is that we do here.

292. Well, this is an office.

293. We do business.

294. Yeah, we're businessmen.

295. Right.

296. Well, we are that.

297. But, um, what kind of business do we do?

298. We manufacture and sell...

299. staplers.

300. I mean, right?

301. Well, we used to sell staplers,

302. but we've kind of farmed that out

303. to different independent contractors.

304. So, we don't really do that anymore.

305. Well, we sell the staplers then.

306. No, that's really more of a retail chain kind of thing.

307. Well, we sell the staplers to the chain.

308. Nope, that's several different distro companies

309. spread across the country.

310. Well, we keep tabs on all that.

311. No, we actually found a cheap managerial firm in Indonesia

312. that takes care of the day-to-day operations.

313. So, no.

314. Well, we're...

315. we're headquarters.

316. Well, we are headquarters.

317. Okay.

318. Woo, let's go.

319. No, no, sit down, sit down.

320. Johnson, we'll start with you.

321. What is it that you actually do here?

322. I...

323. will often

324. keep an eye on Matthews,

325. and make sure he does not surf the web.

326. He does do that, sir.

327. He's on me like a hawk.

328. Matthews, what is it that you do here?

329. Well, I pretty much just surf the internet.

330. Johnson, when you're not getting on Matthews

331. about the internet, what else do you do here?

332. I tend to take a shit after lunch.

333. Mm.

334. Then sometimes I will pretend to have a cigarette break,

335. and I'll actually just go down to the Barnes and Nobles.

336. Hang out there.

337. Read anything good while you're there?

338. No, I don't really read anything,

339. I just kind of... sit on the sofas.

340. Call me crazy, but, uh,

341. I always thought that we design and produce dream catchers.

342. Go on.

343. Well, this is what I've been doing

344. for 40 hours a week, for about seven years now.

345. In fact, I've been meaning to ask

346. when we're gonna have our big pitch meeting.

347. Timmy, I don't think that we've ever

348. had anything to do with dream catchers.

349. I have come in on Christmas three times.

350. Bruce misses me.

351. Oh, sometimes I walk around the office with a folder.

352. Wilson, what is it that you do here?

353. - Right, you know what?

354. I don't think that any of us really need to be here.

355. Sir, um, where will we go?

356. Yeah, we gotta go somewhere.

357. I mean, I guess I could get a job

358. at the Barnes and Nobles.

359. But then, where am I gonna have a smoke break?

360. This is where we go.

361. Alright.

362. This is the place that we go.

363. - Fine.

364. - Okay. All right.

365. Everybody, back to whatever.

366. I'm gonna have a cigarette.

367. Mr. Press Secretary.

368. - Thank you, thank you. Mr. Press Secretary.

369. Thanks, everybody, for coming out.

370. The President of the United States will be out shortly

371. to inform everyone

372. of the amazing new discovery that we've made.

373. Is everybody ready for this?

374. We've discovered a brand new color.

375. - Yes? What does

376. this new color look like?

377. Uh, it's kind of a mix between red and blue,

378. but it's not purple.

379. Is it indigo?

380. No, it is not indigo.

381. Are you sure it's not purple?

382. We're sure it's not purple.

383. This is a completely new color

384. that has never been seen before.

385. - Mm-hm? Is it maroon?

386. Um...

387. I don't know.

388. What... what is maroon?

389. It's this.

390. This is maroon.

391. Um...

392. Yeah, it's maroon.

393. Um, well,

394. since he's here anyway, um,

395. the, uh, the President of the United States

396. Well, I feel like an idiot.

397. Hi, everybody.

398. Thank you for coming.

399. It's so nice to have a great turnout

400. for Billy's christening.

401. I can't believe he circumcised his cat.

402. Yeah, I didn't think he was gonna do it,

403. and then he just fuckin' did it.

404. I'm sorry Billy's being a hump at his own party.

405. I don't know where he's run off to.

406. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

407. I'll be back.

408. Du-dun dun dun.

409. - Ha, Predator. - Terminator.

410. Terminator.

411. Awesome, time to test this thing out.

412. - Nice, it works.

413. Come check this out, best friends.

414. Don't call me that.

415. It's my secret bathroom camera.

416. Your secret what?

417. There go his pants.

418. Aw, this is disgusting.

419. Well, at least it's Sam.

420. No, man, it's disgusting

421. because he mounted a camera in his bathroom.

422. Yeah, for home security.

423. You started in the bathroom?

424. Darren, I'm having a party right now.

425. I think it's weird

426. that Sam takes his pants all the way off to take a dump.

427. Okay?

428. Old shit pants Cregger over here.

429. No, I just think it's—

430. it's weird that he would wait so long

431. to take his pants off.

432. Okay?

433. Mr. "Get out of the way, I gotta take a poop in a hurry."

434. "I'm a busy man, I take busy poops,

435. look at me, I'm Zach."

436. I hate parties, I'm going to the closet.

437. Mom, can you come pick me up?

438. The guys are being jerks again.

439. And check it out, there's a camera inside the toilet too.

440. Don't do—

441. - Oh my God,

442. it's a pooping butt hole.

443. Jesus, turn it off.

444. Yeah, or at least zoom out so we can tell it's Sam.

445. Isn't this a great party, you guys?

446. No, Timmy, this is terrible.

447. Seriously, turn it off.

448. Okay fine, I'll switch it back.

449. You know, that's really messed up man.

450. You invaded Sam's privacy.

451. I know.

452. And look at this.

453. There's TVs in there.

454. I can make Sam watch porn.

455. Why would you make him watch porn?

456. I'm sure he's not gonna...

457. Go, go, gadget cum!

458. Well, looks like he finished.

459. Woo, you're all out of toilet paper.

460. And tissues.

461. And you probably should get a new bath mat.

462. I need to go to the bathroom.

463. Wait, Trevor.

464. Hey, Sam, watch this.

465. Holy shit!

466. That's original.