The Whitest Kids U' Know 3x4

1. You sell horse parts?

2. No, sir. I do not.

3. Then what do you sell?

4. Well, I'm glad you asked.

5. I'm here straight from Carson City,

6. been traveling two straight days

7. to spread the word about the amazing new invention

8. that sure as hell fire's going to revolutionize the Old West.

9. We'll spit it out, little fella.

10. I ain't got time to gab.

11. I got a broken horse over there.

12. A man of few words.

13. I like that.

14. Let's get to the point.

15. Take a look around this town.

16. What do you see that's missing?

17. Well, Jim got his chin blowed off

18. by that drunk Chinese last week.

19. No, I don't think I sell chins.

20. I mean, look around you.

21. What do you think is missing?

22. Well, I guess a stable form of government.

23. I mean, we ain't had a law man around these parts

24. since Sheriff Jenkins got his guts blown out

25. by that drunken Chinese.

26. No, what's missing from this town is merriment.

27. Mary mints?

28. Joyousness, childlike wonder.

29. Go on.

30. I have come here with a contraption

31. that brings a lighthearted sense of carefree fun to this town.

32. I present to you the water balloon.

33. Water balloon?

34. Tell me, sir, when was the last time you guffawed out loud?

35. Oh God, I guess it would have

36. to have been before the fever took my little—

37. I'll take five of them.

38. Five water balloons coming right up.

39. What the hell?

40. You sell water boobs?

41. Oh, water balloons, yes.

42. I got a score to settle, gimme 10.

43. Alright, you snake in the grass!

44. Son of a bitch!

45. Take this!

46. Hey, what did I do?

47. I need your biggest water baboon.

48. I'm afraid they only come in one size.

49. Then I gotta go pay that drunken Chinese a visit.

50. I got a score to settle.

51. Well, wait a minute.

52. I might have something

53. to help you settle this score of yours.

54. Ta-da! The water noodle.

55. And that's like a water balloon?

56. What in the hell?

57. It's a little different than a water balloon.

58. You get it wet and you smack people with it.

59. We have to be even!

60. - We have to be even. - I'll take two.

61. Well, howdy, Bill!

62. I need some more water balloons.

63. Did you enjoy your first set?

64. Very much so.

65. Do these work with pee?

66. Oh, well, I suppose so.

67. A liquid is a liquid.

68. Back again so soon?

69. That was my pee.

70. You sell bullets?

71. - Sure do.

72. On a somber note,

73. during the entire period in which this sketch took place,

74. slavery was legal.

75. And Blacks?

76. Just got a new shipment in today.

77. See?

78. Um, so Timmy, I got your bloodwork in

79. and I have a couple of questions.

80. Okay.

81. Just about how many hot dogs do you eat a day?

82. How many hot dogs?

83. Yeah.

84. Uh, geez. I don't know.

85. I mean, you know, some days I could eat a couple

86. and some days I don't eat any.

87. Okay. Well, let's just say for an average,

88. take your whole week and

89. try to figure out what your daily amount would be.

90. - I have no idea. Just try.

91. Okay.

92. A whole week,

93. average per day would be something like,

94. I don't know, seven.

95. - Seven hot dogs? - Seven, yeah.

96. - A day? - Is that high?

97. It's a little high.

98. Is that bad?

99. Well, not good.

100. I mean, I'm just ballparking here, you know?

101. Sure, sure.

102. Timmy, I wanna try something if you don't mind.

103. Walk me through one of your days.

104. Walk you through my day?

105. Yeah, just take me through a day in the life of Timmy.

106. Okay. Well, I wake up and I take a shower,

107. and I, you know, get ready for work.

108. I go downstairs and I have a bagel

109. and something for breakfast.

110. And something?

111. - A hot dog. - Hot dog, okay.

112. I mean, I do usually eat a hot dog there.

113. Okay.

114. Then I take the train to work.

115. Oh, slow down, slow down.

116. Does anything happen on the way to work?

117. Oh. I almost forgot.

118. On the way to the subway, there's a hot dog stand,

119. so I usually have one or two, yeah.

120. Two hot dogs.

121. Yeah, I usually have two hot dogs before work.

122. So, that's three hot dogs before work?

123. Right, yeah.

124. If you're gonna count the one at home.

125. I mean, this is all just breakfast, you know?

126. Oh, no, I understand. I get it.

127. Then I just go through my whole day of work.

128. Okay, hold up.

129. Um, walk me through your workday.

130. What happens at lunch?

131. Oh, lunch. Well, I mean,

132. some days I just blow through lunch, you know,

133. because how busy I am and all.

134. Really?

135. Well, pretty sure I did that once.

136. Okay. Well, on the days

137. that you're not blowing through lunch, what do you have?

138. Well, on those days sometimes it could just be a salad.

139. - Could it? - Yeah.

140. Well, but it's usually...

141. It's usually hot dogs.

142. Yeah, it's usually hot dogs.

143. How many hot dogs?

144. I don't know.

145. Anywhere between one and four?

146. Four hot dogs.

147. Yeah, it's probably safe.

148. Well, I hope there's no more hot dogs in the day

149. 'cause we're up to seven now.

150. Yeah, on second thought,

151. that number might be a little low.

152. Did you hear about the Nazi Pig Fucker show last night?

153. No. What happened?

154. Cops came in and broke up the show while they were tuning.

155. Didn't even play one song.

156. Whoa. That's fuckin' punk, man.

157. It was awesome.

158. Did you hear about the Rapeface show on Thursday?

159. No. What happened?

160. Dude, they played one song,

161. then the singer OD'ed, and they had to stop.

162. - Awesome, man. - Punk fuckin' rock, dude.

163. Yeah. Hey, Sheila.

164. Hey guys. Five bucks.

165. Stamp your own hands. No ins, no outs.

166. What happened to your face?

167. I got in a fight with my mom,

168. so I went to the mall and I pierced my eyelids shut.

169. - Is that cool? - Does it make me look uglier?

170. - Well, yeah, - Then it's cool.

171. - Who's playing tonight? - JJ Marvin.

172. Who's that?

173. Some guy from New York.

174. He's like crazy or something.

175. Every show he does, he gets like all bloody

176. and craps on himself.

177. - Whoa. - That sounds fuckin' awesome.

178. - Yeah. It's pretty punk.

179. Did you guys put the money in the bucket?

180. Yeah.

181. This better not be ones.

182. Hey, if you see my mom, tell her what I did.

183. Five bucks, no ins, no outs.

184. Are you fuckers ready to see

185. the fuckin' punkest man on the planet?

186. Well, then buckle the fuck up for JJ Marvin!

187. - Yeah!

188. - Fuck yeah!

189. Hello, everybody. Hi.

190. It is great to see so many fresh,

191. young faces out supporting live music.

192. Thank you all for coming.

193. I am JJ Marvin,

194. and let's just jump into it with a song, shall we?

195. Here we go.

196. What the fuck is this shit?

197. - No. - Then it's cool.

198. Whoa, dude, you're totally getting peed on.

199. This show is punk fuckin' rock!

200. - Is it? - Yeah, dude.

201. You're like totally covered in pee right now.

202. Oh yeah, I guess I am.

203. Punk fuckin' rock!

204. Yeah! Punk fuckin' rock!

205. It's absolutely crazy the way things work.

206. Okay, so I have this friend, Karen, right?

207. She works here in the city,

208. but the company that she works for

209. is based out of Madrid.

210. And so when she has her baby in August,

211. she's gonna get four months paid maternity leave.

212. What company did you say this was?

213. I don't know.

214. They make like sombreros

215. and bull capes and something.

216. - The point is— - Whoa!

217. - Bro, gross! - Oh, gross. Gross!

218. Our feets touched.

219. - He touched my foot. - Our feets touched.

220. - Yeah, right—touched my foot. - He touched my foot.

221. Oh, yeah, you wish I would.

222. Oh, that's disgusting, oh.

223. Great, great, I probably have to go

224. and burn my foot off now.

225. Oh yeah, I'm probably gonna have to go cut my foot off.

226. Oh yeah, probably.

227. I'm probably gonna have to go and cut both my feet off.

228. Oh, yeah?

229. I'm probably gonna have to go cut both my feet off

230. and then go burn 'em in a bathtub or something.

231. Ugh, gross.

232. This is disgusting. Ugh.

233. - Ugh. - Cindy,

234. Debra's boyfriend is totally trying

235. to just fuck my foot under the table or something.

236. Hey Debra, Cindy's boyfriend's a total queerbait.

237. - PS, totally. You're the queerbait.

238. You're probably only dating Debra

239. so you could someday come to this dinner

240. and then hump my foot

241. with your fuckin' foot under the table all the time.

242. Yeah, you're probably not even gonna cut your foot off.

243. Or if you do,

244. it's probably just so that you could dress it up

245. and make out with it all the time 'cause it touched me.

246. - Fuck you, fuckin' ! - Sam.

247. I'll fuckin' cut my foot off right now.

248. I'll go in the bathroom and cut my foot off

249. with the hand dryer.

250. Oh, well good.

251. I'm probably gonna do that too,

252. 'cause I can't stand being connected

253. to this foot anymore since you gayed all over it.

254. Well, I hope you like waiting in line

255. 'cause I'm gonna do it first.

256. - Then do it. - You do it.

257. You do it first.

258. Oh, you probably just want me to get up

259. so you can look at my butt.

260. Oh yeah, right.

261. If I did see your butt,

262. I'd probably barf like a thousand times.

263. Oh yeah, barf outta happiness.

264. Oh yeah, right. I hate you.

265. - You love me. - No, you love me.

266. - I hate you. - Yeah, but why are you trying

267. to touch my feet all the time?

268. Oh yeah, you wish I would.

269. So sombreros and bull capes.

270. I mean, that sounds pretty exciting.

271. But that's not the point.

272. The point that I'm trying to make

273. is that these companies over in Europe,

274. they have all these benefits that they take for granted

275. that we would absolutely kill for.

276. Well, it is a different culture.

277. - I think we work too hard. - Yeah, I know.

278. Here's to progress.

279. Oh.

280. I knew you weren't gonna do it.

281. I didn't do it 'cause you were sitting there

282. staring at me pretending I was naked and gay.

283. - Oh, yeah. - Why didn't you do it?

284. I didn't do it 'cause I knew you were gonna puss out

285. then I'd have no feet,

286. and you could just rape me in the bathroom

287. for days and days and days.

288. Oh yeah, like I'd have to rape you.

289. You're practically begging me to.

290. I'm begging to have dinner

291. with someone who's not so gay

292. that they just keep trying to jerk off my feet

293. under the table all the time.

294. Could someone please pass the salt?

295. - Oh! - Oh, gross!

296. - You touched my hand. - You touched my hand.

297. - You touched my hand! - You're so gay!

298. Martha, no, I've said this a thousand times.

299. We have to move the giraffe habitat off of that hill.

300. Every time a thunderstorm comes through,

301. we lose two of them.

302. And those things, they're expensive.

303. Yes, they are, Martha.

304. Martha, yes they are.

305. Mr. Milo to see you.

306. Martha, I'm gonna have to call you back, okay?

307. Kendra, I don't know who that is.

308. Mr. Milo's coming in.

309. - Kendra, I— - Terry Milo,

310. thanks for seeing me, sir.

311. Hi, Terry. What can I do for you?

312. Well, I'm here for a job.

313. Well, Terry, I'm the head zookeeper here.

314. I don't really do the hiring.

315. We have a personnel department for that.

316. Mr. Zookeeper, I know I don't look like much

317. but I got it where it counts.

318. Just gimme a chance to prove myself.

319. That's all I ask.

320. Look, Terry. That kinda thing's really not up to me.

321. Now you could go down to human resources.

322. I do happen to know that we have a couple

323. of openings in the gift shop.

324. I think there's a cashier spot.

325. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

326. Don't worry about that, man.

327. I don't want one of those sissy button pushing jobs.

328. I'm here to do the real work.

329. What—what real work?

330. I'm the guy.

331. I'm the guy that goes around the zoo

332. and wails on the animals when they're bad.

333. I'm s—I'm sorry, what?

334. You know, lay the smack down on 'em when they act up.

335. I'll wail on all of 'em.

336. I'll wail on a giraffe.

337. I'll wail on an otter.

338. I'll even wail on a whale.

339. Okay, Mr. Milo—

340. I walked around your zoo, mister.

341. You got some bad animals.

342. Mr. Milo.

343. I mean, you got some animals

344. in here that are just begging for a beatdown.

345. Okay, Mr. Milo, please.

346. I went up to your prairie dog exhibit.

347. I was up there for 10 minutes, I didn't see not one of them

348. stick their heads out of their holes.

349. Well, it's midday.

350. And it's been incredibly hot lately.

351. Then I went up to see your lions,

352. and they were all just sleeping, all of them,

353. not doing nothing.

354. That's normal.

355. You don't need to put up with bad lions.

356. Now I know a lot of people are afraid

357. of wailing on 'em, but not me.

358. I'll put the hurt on 'em, especially lions.

359. - Mr. Milo. - I'm serious, you'll see.

360. You're gonna have some busted up lions limping around here.

361. - Okay, Mr. Milo— I'm serious.

362. I'll go to town.

363. Mr. Milo, we do not "go to town"

364. or "wail on" the animals in this zoo.

365. I punched a monkey square in the face once.

366. What?

367. He didn't even do anything wrong.

368. It was just to show the other monkeys I was serious.

369. Mr. Milo.

370. That monkey was my friend too. He didn't know what hit him.

371. I called him over with some jelly beans in my hand.

372. He was like, oh, thank you for the jelly beans.

373. Pow, right in the face.

374. Good monkeys for a week.

375. Mr. Milo, what you're suggesting is despicable,

376. illegal and immoral.

377. And that is not the way that we run things in my zoo.

378. - I'm not a cop. - Show me your tits.

379. Thank God, man.

380. We got this new panda here. He's a real asshole.

381. Our last guy, he left like two months ago

382. and it has been hell.

383. Take me to him. You got any jelly beans?

384. Okay, is the house ready

385. for the new fall lineup from Donna Stacey?

386. Yeah!

387. Alright, ladies,

388. get ready 'cause here comes clothes.

389. Look, ladies.

390. It's another lady who's wearing a red dress.

391. And what would go better with a red dress

392. than a red purse?

393. I need that purse!

394. Oh wait, ladies, sparkles.

395. Oh my God, ladies.

396. Get ready for something really exciting.

397. From the makers of the red dress

398. comes another red dress with gloves!

399. Sorry ladies,

400. no sparkles with this dress.

401. - Just kidding!

402. Ladies, no clothing collection

403. could be complete without a long frilly thing

404. to tie around your neck.

405. That looks so expensive!

406. I wanna look expensive!

407. That's right, ladies, it is expensive.

408. And if you wear expensive things,

409. then everyone knows that you are winning!

410. Well, ladies,

411. that concludes our annual presentation

412. of the fall collection.

413. We'll see you next year.

414. I wanna buy all those clothes.

415. I wanna get my husband to buy all those clothes.

416. I wanna buy all those clothes so I can get a husband.

417. - Yeah. - Yeah.

418. Boys and clothes. Boys and clothes.

419. Oh, ladies, one more thing.

420. A big bag of shoes!

421. And by dropping the One Ring

422. into the fires of Mount Doom,

423. Frodo vanquished Sauron forever

424. and banished him from the land.

425. Gandalf rescued Frodo from Mount Doom

426. by sending a giant eagle into the mouth

427. of the great volcano to pluck Frodo

428. from certain death and return him safely to the Shire.

429. The Fellowship gathered one last time

430. to celebrate their victory.

431. Hobbits, dwarves, elves, and men.

432. Welcome back to the Shire.

433. I've brewed some hinkleberry fizzywigs

434. for you all to enjoy.

435. Come, let us celebrate the end of this great war.

436. Gandalf. What the fuck?

437. What is it, my little hobbit?

438. You wanna tell me how

439. the fuck long you had a giant goddam eagle?

440. Well, I've been friends with the eagle kind

441. for longer than you'd care to know or I'd care to remember.

442. - Cut the shit, you old fruit.

443. Frodo got stabbed in the arm by a Nazgul.

444. That hurts.

445. Um, well, I'm glad to see

446. that everyone made it home from their journey.

447. Everyone didn't make it home from their journey.

448. Boromir is dead!

449. Asshole!

450. I got lost in the caverns of Mount Doom

451. and had to fight a giant spider.

452. I have nightmares every night.

453. Well, we all have our nightmares

454. that we must overcome and—

455. Everybody shut the fuck up!

456. Gandalf, why the fuck didn't you just give

457. the Ring of Power to your eagle friend

458. and let him drop it in the caverns of Mount Doom?

459. Well, eagles cannot be trusted

460. with that sort of immense power.

461. I mean, uh, that sort of power can be very corrupting.

462. So you know, Frodo is young and stout

463. as hobbits all wont to be,

464. and he just...

465. you know...

466. I used him.

467. Well, then you should have had the eagle carry me

468. with the ring in my hand to Mount Doom,

469. then pick me up and bring me back home.

470. Then we would've gotten all of this done much more quickly

471. and Boromir would still be alive!

472. Boromir!

473. Oh my God, he's gone.

474. It's just sinking in. It's final.

475. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate you!

476. - Enough!

477. I am a wizard, and I will not be interrogated

478. by the likes of you.

479. No, no, no.

480. He's just using this fishing line going

481. from his finger to that light switch over there.

482. I got a lead pipe in my hand that says,

483. "This old fuck ain't magic."

484. There's only one way to find out.

485. - Rape him! - Rape him!

486. Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

487. Holy shit!

488. IFC Original.