The Whitest Kids U' Know 3x6

1. And welcome back to Montgomery Hall

2. for the live presidential debates.

3. If you're just joining us,

4. I'll introduce the four candidates.

5. Bill Homestead is the Junior Senator from South Dakota.

6. - Pleased to be here.

7. Up next is the New Hampshire Congressman, Jack Moyer.

8. The former Illinois Governor, Guy Ludlum.

9. Mary.

10. And the Senator from Delaware, Jack Patton.

11. Thank you, ma'am.

12. Let's talk about the war.

13. Many would say that our involvement

14. has been lengthier than initially intended.

15. Most Americans are in favor of withdrawal,

16. but there is a disagreement

17. about the timetable of that withdrawal.

18. Senator Homestead, what would be your exit strategy?

19. Well, I've said since the beginning

20. that the main problem with the current administration

21. is that they have no exit strategy whatsoever.

22. I believe we can have the troops

23. back home by this time next year

24. while leaving behind a stable government over there.

25. I see. Now, Senator Moyer,

26. I know you've disagreed with Senator Homestead in the past,

27. so I will allow a rebuttal.

28. Thank you.

29. I believe that Senator Homestead talks a good talk,

30. but lacks the foreign policy experience

31. and the military know-how

32. to actually accomplish such a plan.

33. My administration would start from day one

34. by withdrawing every troop from the area.

35. We would also leave the burden of securing order

36. to the citizens of the country and their surrounding allies.

37. I believe this is the will of the country.

38. I believe this is the best course of action,

39. and I also believe that come November,

40. Americans are going to be ready for real change.

41. Excuse me.

42. Senator Homestead?

43. Yes, I'd like to object if I may,

44. to Senator Moyer's use of an electric guitar

45. to punctuate his points.

46. This is the kind of dirty politics

47. and distracting theatrics

48. that we need to get out of the White House right now.

49. If we're going to continue this debate,

50. I'd like to call for the removal of the guitar.

51. Now, now, Senator Homestead,

52. as made clear from the beginning,

53. you were each allowed to bring two props to this debate.

54. The guitar is one of Senator Moyer's.

55. You are free to use one of your props if you'd like.

56. Well, I didn't know they could be distracting props.

57. All I brought was a copy of the Bible for inspiration,

58. and a supportive letter from my wife, Barbara.

59. Okay, I guess I'll make my rebuttal.

60. I'd like to take a moment to talk about

61. the surrounding allies that Mr. Moyer mentions.

62. These are nations that have

63. very hostile feelings towards the United States.

64. Oh, an air horn interruption from Governor Ludlum.

65. Here we go.

66. There is no way that should be allowed.

67. Now, now, Mr. Homestead.

68. That is one of his props.

69. Governor Ludlum, do you have something you'd like to add

70. to Mr. Homestead's statement?

71. Very well, Governor.

72. Let's move on down to Senator Patton.

73. We all know that you have a very specific exit strategy.

74. Would you care to elaborate?

75. Objection, he's got way too many props.

76. He's got a dog.

77. He's got a boombox.

78. He's got the sunglasses.

79. Clothing is not a prop.

80. Thank you, Senator Patton.

81. Senator Homestead,

82. do you have a rebuttal prepared for Super Dog?

83. Super Dog?

84. My mistake, Senator Patton.

85. This is absurd.

86. These guys are over here putting on some circus show

87. when all I want to do is talk about the issues.

88. We have over 36 million people

89. living below the poverty line right now.

90. Good, it's out of juice. At least that's over.

91. Well, it looks like Governor Ludlum

92. is using his second prop,

93. a machine that fills air horns.

94. Oh, my God.

95. Senator Homestead, perhaps you'd do well

96. to use some of your props,

97. and stop smearing the other candidates.

98. What do you want me to do, read the entire Bible?

99. God, no. Well, how about the letter from your wife?

100. It's personal.

101. It's clearly stated in the rules

102. that each candidate must use one of their props.

103. Okay, fine.

104. Maybe this will bring a little insight

105. and reality into this debate.

106. I wasn't planning on reading this tonight, but here we go.

107. "Dearest beloved, good luck tonight with the big debate.

108. The children and I are proud of you no matter what happens.

109. We know what a wonderful man you are and what a great leader

110. you would make this fine nation one day.

111. We will pray that God give you

112. a quick tongue and a sharp mind

113. as you engage this evening.

114. Your loving wife and daughters, Barbara.

115. PS. I have enclosed a lock of my hair to give you strength.

116. Oh, that's sweet.

117. I'm sorry, Mr. Homestead, but that's three props.

118. You are now officially disqualified from this debate.

119. You and your seed will be banned from politics

120. from this day until the end of time.

121. What?

122. Fuck this country!

123. 18 days, no food, no water.

124. There's water.

125. No drinking water.

126. Oh, drinking water, right.

127. All right, man, I've been thinking.

128. We're gonna die if we don't get some sort of nourishment.

129. And I don't wanna have to kill and eat you,

130. and I don't want you to have to kill and eat me.

131. No, we're best friends.

132. Whatever, look, what if I just ate a little bit of you,

133. and you ate just a little bit of me?

134. Just to keep us going until rescue arrives.

135. That sounds fair.

136. Well, what part of me do you want to eat, huh?

137. What on me looks good?

138. I don't know.

139. What on me looks good?

140. Hmm, well, if I had to pick,

141. I guess your, uh,

142. I guess your lips look pretty good.

143. Yeah, I was thinking that too.

144. Yeah, the lips look good, right?

145. Yeah, they're like meaty, right?

146. They seem pretty easy to eat, you know?

147. Yeah, you don't really need your lips.

148. Totally.

149. Settled, man, let's just eat each other's lips.

150. At the same time?

151. Just go for it, man.

152. I'm fucking starving.

153. Okay.

154. Oh, yeah, that's good.

155. Hey,

156. - Hey, hey! - Hey, hey!

157. - Hey, stop the boat!

158. Oh, that was good.

159. Man, we are really far out here.

160. Yeah, maybe we should turn back.

161. Hey, did you guys see those?

162. Oh, dolphin.

163. - Oh!

164. !

165. This war is crazy, man.

166. Can't wait to get back to base

167. and get one of those Vietnamese burritos.

168. What?

169. I said I want to get a Vietnamese burrito.

170. What?

171. Close the door, man.

172. I know it's a crazy war.

173. I just said that.

174. No, no, close the door!

175. Yeah.

176. Yeah.

177. Close the door, man!

178. Right on, man!

179. I love it!

180. Dude, just close the door shut!

181. I don't know.

182. Like, maybe once, with like my uncle's sister.

183. What, dude?

184. Close the door!

185. Dude, I'm just saying close the door.

186. Are you sure?

187. What?

188. Aren't I gonna need that?

189. Just shut the fucking door, man.

190. You're crazy, man.

191. All right.

192. Dude, stop doing that.

193. Woo!

194. Just close the door.

195. All right, let's do this.

196. Shut the door.

197. My boot.

198. This song is for everyone in the club.

199. Someone very special just walked in the door,

200. and he's ready to party.

201. Then I gave the guy an uppercut right there at the bar.

202. That is so hot.

203. You sure he was?

204. Totally.

205. Oh, my God, we're coming up on my ex-boyfriend's street.

206. Should I beat his ass?

207. No, it's not like that.

208. You actually have heard of him probably.

209. His name is Trent Reznor.

210. Oh, yeah.

211. Who is he again?

212. Uh, he's like the piano player for that band,

213. Nine Inch Nails.

214. He's like some big stupid rock star or something.

215. Like Dave Matthews?

216. Yeah, kinda like Dave Matthews, yeah.

217. Wait, is he one of those musicians

218. who wears like makeup and stuff?

219. Yeah, he's like totally goth now, it's pathetic.

220. Check it out. I'm the one that did it to him.

221. Look, here's a picture of Trent

222. two days before I dumped his ass.

223. Seems like a cool dude.

224. Okay, and now here's the picture of Trent

225. two days after I dumped his ass.

226. Oh, oh!

227. ! - Totally, he's a total [censored

228. So anyways, now, sometimes when I get bored,

229. I like to just drive over to his house

230. and just drive him crazy.

231. It's pretty fun, you wanna try it?

232. I like fun.

233. Now don't uppercut him or anything, baby.

234. Leave this to me.

235. Is that the pizza?

236. Golly, you guys sure got here in a—

237. Stephanie, how did—

238. Oh, uh, uh, uh, Stephanie, what—what're you doing here?

239. I—I—I thought you were the pizza man.

240. Oh, I was just in the neighborhood,

241. so I thought I'd pop in and tell you

242. that I'm probably totally in love with you again.

243. Oh, I—I knew this day would come.

244. I never stopped believing.

245. Stephanie, I love you too.

246. Psych, I'm just fucking with you, Trent.

247. I think you're totally pathetic and weird.

248. Huh!

249. Stephanie, why would you come here

250. and do this to me again?

251. Because I want you to meet my new boyfriend.

252. His name is Dirk and his dick is huge.

253. Guilty. Hey, man, what's up?

254. Nice to meet you.

255. Psych,

256. - Good one, Dirk, kiss me.

257. Oh, yeah.

258. I'm sorry, I gotta go.

259. I have to channel my pain into my music.

260. He always does this.

261. - Uh, by the way, Trent,

262. Dirk's a musician too,

263. and he's probably totally better than you are.

264. - Yeah, I know like

265. almost every Sublime song on bass.

266. Oh, my God.

267. Hey Trent, your place looks like shit!

268. Yeah, this is what I imagine

269. a girl vampire's house to look like.

270. So yeah, I basically, I just come over here

271. every couple years or so and I give him a hard time,

272. and then he goes and makes an album.

273. Makes like a shit ton of money.

274. It's kind of a win-win situation.

275. Yeah, I heard the Sublime guys

276. always like to write music when they smoke weed.

277. Oh, oh, baby.

278. Wanna see him really turn on the water works?

279. Take out your dick and then I'll call him into the room.

280. This will be funny.

281. Hey Trent, I think the pizza guy's at the door.

282. Oh, finally, a pizza will help take my mind off the—

283. I'm just kidding.

284. I'm totally blowing my boyfriend.

285. Fuck you, nerd.

286. Oh, yeah.

287. Ladies and gentlemen,

288. the surviving members of Sublime.

289. So, sorry about all that music we put out.

290. Hindsight's 20/20.

291. We just hope you guys can all

292. find it in your hearts to forgive us.

293. Anyway, the Grammy for best industrial slash emo album

294. of the year goes to...

295. Nine Inch Nails for the album Dirk, The Pizza Jerk.

296. Okay, Caleb, well, good morning,

297. and welcome to your first day of homeschool.

298. Now our first class of the day will be geometry.

299. I was looking at our lesson plan last night,

300. and it looks to me like—

301. Mom, I'm gonna get some Cap'n Crunch.

302. Ah, excuse me, Caleb, no, you're not.

303. There's no eating in the classroom.

304. This is the kitchen.

305. Well, during school hours,

306. we're calling this the classroom.

307. And I would appreciate it if you did not call me Mom,

308. but instead refer to me as Mrs. Carlisle.

309. Mrs. Carlisle.

310. Thank you, Caleb, yes?

311. You're not a real teacher.

312. During school hours, I am your homeschool teacher.

313. Okay, Mom, I hope I do really, really good at homeschool,

314. so that way I can get into a home college,

315. and then I can get a home job,

316. and make tons of home money.

317. Caleb, I'll be making sure

318. that you are more than prepared

319. to get into a good college.

320. What's the square root of 144?

321. Excuse me?

322. What's the square root of 144?

323. Keep it up!

324. Keep it up, young man,

325. because that's not in the lesson today.

326. I don't need to know that today.

327. So I'm supposed to learn geometry

328. from a lady who never graduated college.

329. Caleb, I dropped out of school so I could raise you!

330. Okay, so I'm supposed to learn geometry

331. from a lady who never graduated college,

332. and wasn't smart enough to use condoms.

333. That—you— that is detention!

334. Sweet, where is that, like, my room?

335. Ye—

336. No, that is... that is in the laundry room.

337. Okay, going to the laundry room, see ya.

338. During school hours, it's a detention hall.

339. Thanks for clearing that up, Professor.

340. That's 20 more minutes in the detention hall!

341. Uh-huh.

342. Excuse me, I've got to do your—

343. Caleb, are you smoking?

344. Yep, where do I gotta go now?

345. Is the principal's office in my room?

346. Because I'm really just trying to make it back up there.

347. You are on strike two, young man.

348. One more and you get suspended.

349. If I get suspended,

350. does that mean I go back to real school?

351. This is real school!

352. Now, back to the kitchen!

353. Mm. You mean the classroom.

354. That's right, classroom!

355. Okay, now there are three types of triangles.

356. There's the isosceles—

357. Mrs. Carlisle?

358. Yes, Caleb?

359. I just got an invisible telegram from the Elf Kingdom.

360. Princess Buttercup is in trouble,

361. and they need me to go help, so I'm gonna have to skip today.

362. Caleb Jesse Carlisle!

363. What? You're pretending, I'm pretending.

364. We're pretending together.

365. That is... that's it!

366. You go down to the garage!

367. Oh no, the garage.

368. Is that like super detention?

369. Yes, that's like super detention.

370. It's the super detention hall.

371. The super detention hall?

372. Is that the one with the pool table?

373. Yes!

374. No!

375. You don't go to the garage!

376. You go outside to the backyard!

377. That's where the real pool is!

378. I'll go get my swim trunks.

379. No, Caleb, you!

380. You go...

381. to your room.

382. There we go. Good first day, Mom.

383. It's Mrs. Carlisle.

384. It's working.

385. Yes.

386. Yes!

387. I'm finally ready.

388. I'm finally ready.

389. Awesome.

390. Fucking awesome.

391. Dude, the mail just came.

392. Shut up, did they come?

393. X-ray glasses.

394. Oh, yeah.

395. What, what, what?

396. Dog park.

397. Dog park.

398. Oh, my.

399. Uh-huh.

400. Holy shit!

401. IFC Original.