1. And welcome back
to Montgomery Hall
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2. for the live
presidential debates.
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3. If you're just joining us,
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4. I'll introduce
the four candidates.
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5. Bill Homestead is the Junior
Senator from South Dakota.
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6. - Pleased to be here.
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7. Up next is the New Hampshire
Congressman, Jack Moyer.
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8. The former Illinois Governor,
Guy Ludlum.
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9. Mary.
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10. And the Senator from Delaware,
Jack Patton.
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11. Thank you, ma'am.
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12. Let's talk about the war.
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13. Many would say that
our involvement
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14. has been lengthier than
initially intended.
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15. Most Americans are in
favor of withdrawal,
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16. but there is a disagreement
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17. about the timetable
of that withdrawal.
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18. Senator Homestead, what
would be your exit strategy?
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19. Well, I've said
since the beginning
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20. that the main problem with
the current administration
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21. is that they have
no exit strategy whatsoever.
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22. I believe we can have the troops
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23. back home by this time next year
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24. while leaving behind
a stable government over there.
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25. I see. Now, Senator Moyer,
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26. I know you've disagreed with
Senator Homestead in the past,
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27. so I will allow a rebuttal.
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28. Thank you.
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29. I believe that Senator Homestead
talks a good talk,
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30. but lacks the foreign
policy experience
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31. and the military know-how
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32. to actually accomplish
such a plan.
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33. My administration would
start from day one
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34. by withdrawing every
troop from the area.
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35. We would also leave
the burden of securing order
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36. to the citizens of the country
and their surrounding allies.
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37. I believe this is
the will of the country.
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38. I believe this is
the best course of action,
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39. and I also believe
that come November,
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40. Americans are going to
be ready for real change.
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41. Excuse me.
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42. Senator Homestead?
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43. Yes, I'd like to
object if I may,
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44. to Senator Moyer's use
of an electric guitar
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45. to punctuate his points.
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46. This is the kind of
dirty politics
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47. and distracting theatrics
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48. that we need to get out of
the White House right now.
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49. If we're going to
continue this debate,
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50. I'd like to call for
the removal of the guitar.
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51. Now, now, Senator Homestead,
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52. as made clear from
the beginning,
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53. you were each allowed to bring
two props to this debate.
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54. The guitar is one
of Senator Moyer's.
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55. You are free to use one of
your props if you'd like.
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56. Well, I didn't know they
could be distracting props.
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57. All I brought was a copy of
the Bible for inspiration,
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58. and a supportive letter
from my wife, Barbara.
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59. Okay, I guess
I'll make my rebuttal.
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60. I'd like to take
a moment to talk about
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61. the surrounding allies
that Mr. Moyer mentions.
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62. These are nations that have
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63. very hostile feelings
towards the United States.
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64. Oh, an air horn interruption
from Governor Ludlum.
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65. Here we go.
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66. There is no way that
should be allowed.
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67. Now, now, Mr. Homestead.
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68. That is one of his props.
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69. Governor Ludlum, do you have
something you'd like to add
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70. to Mr. Homestead's statement?
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71. Very well, Governor.
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72. Let's move on down
to Senator Patton.
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73. We all know that you have
a very specific exit strategy.
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74. Would you care to elaborate?
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75. Objection, he's got
way too many props.
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76. He's got a dog.
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77. He's got a boombox.
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78. He's got the sunglasses.
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79. Clothing is not a prop.
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80. Thank you, Senator Patton.
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81. Senator Homestead,
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82. do you have a rebuttal
prepared for Super Dog?
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83. Super Dog?
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84. My mistake, Senator Patton.
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85. This is absurd.
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86. These guys are over here
putting on some circus show
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87. when all I want to do is
talk about the issues.
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88. We have over 36 million people
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89. living below
the poverty line right now.
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90. Good, it's out of juice.
At least that's over.
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91. Well, it looks
like Governor Ludlum
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92. is using his second prop,
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93. a machine that fills air horns.
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94. Oh, my God.
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95. Senator Homestead,
perhaps you'd do well
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96. to use some of your props,
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97. and stop smearing
the other candidates.
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98. What do you want me to do,
read the entire Bible?
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99. God, no. Well, how about
the letter from your wife?
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100. It's personal.
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101. It's clearly stated in the rules
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102. that each candidate must
use one of their props.
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103. Okay, fine.
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104. Maybe this will bring
a little insight
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105. and reality into this debate.
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106. I wasn't planning on reading
this tonight, but here we go.
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107. "Dearest beloved, good luck
tonight with the big debate.
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108. The children and I are proud
of you no matter what happens.
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109. We know what a wonderful man
you are and what a great leader
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110. you would make
this fine nation one day.
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111. We will pray that God give you
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112. a quick tongue and a sharp mind
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113. as you engage this evening.
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114. Your loving wife and
daughters, Barbara.
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115. PS. I have enclosed a lock of
my hair to give you strength.
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116. Oh, that's sweet.
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117. I'm sorry, Mr. Homestead,
but that's three props.
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118. You are now officially
disqualified from this debate.
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119. You and your seed will
be banned from politics
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120. from this day until
the end of time.
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121. What?
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122. Fuck this country!
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123. 18 days, no food, no water.
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124. There's water.
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125. No drinking water.
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126. Oh, drinking water, right.
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127. All right, man,
I've been thinking.
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128. We're gonna die if we don't
get some sort of nourishment.
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129. And I don't wanna have
to kill and eat you,
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130. and I don't want you to
have to kill and eat me.
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131. No, we're best friends.
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132. Whatever, look, what if
I just ate a little bit of you,
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133. and you ate just a
little bit of me?
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134. Just to keep us going
until rescue arrives.
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135. That sounds fair.
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136. Well, what part of me
do you want to eat, huh?
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137. What on me looks good?
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138. I don't know.
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139. What on me looks good?
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140. Hmm, well, if I had to pick,
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141. I guess your, uh,
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142. I guess your lips
look pretty good.
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143. Yeah, I was thinking that too.
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144. Yeah, the lips
look good, right?
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145. Yeah, they're
like meaty, right?
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146. They seem pretty
easy to eat, you know?
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147. Yeah, you don't
really need your lips.
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148. Totally.
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149. Settled, man, let's just
eat each other's lips.
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150. At the same time?
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151. Just go for it, man.
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152. I'm fucking starving.
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153. Okay.
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154. Oh, yeah, that's good.
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155. Hey,
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156. - Hey, hey!
- Hey, hey!
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157. - Hey, stop the boat!
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158. Oh, that was good.
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159. Man, we are
really far out here.
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160. Yeah, maybe we
should turn back.
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161. Hey, did you guys
see those?
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162. Oh, dolphin.
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163. - Oh!
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164. !
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165. This war is crazy, man.
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166. Can't wait to get back to base
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167. and get one of those
Vietnamese burritos.
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168. What?
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169. I said I want to get
a Vietnamese burrito.
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170. What?
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171. Close the door, man.
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172. I know it's a crazy war.
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173. I just said that.
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174. No, no, close the door!
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175. Yeah.
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176. Yeah.
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177. Close the door, man!
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178. Right on, man!
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179. I love it!
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180. Dude, just close
the door shut!
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181. I don't know.
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182. Like, maybe once,
with like my uncle's sister.
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183. What, dude?
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184. Close the door!
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185. Dude, I'm just saying
close the door.
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186. Are you sure?
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187. What?
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188. Aren't I gonna need that?
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189. Just shut the fucking door, man.
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190. You're crazy, man.
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191. All right.
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192. Dude, stop doing that.
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193. Woo!
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194. Just close the door.
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195. All right, let's do this.
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196. Shut the door.
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197. My boot.
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198. This song is for
everyone in the club.
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199. Someone very special
just walked in the door,
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200. and he's ready to party.
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201. Then I gave the guy an uppercut
right there at the bar.
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202. That is so hot.
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203. You sure he was?
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204. Totally.
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205. Oh, my God, we're coming up
on my ex-boyfriend's street.
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206. Should I beat his ass?
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207. No, it's not like that.
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208. You actually have
heard of him probably.
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209. His name is Trent Reznor.
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210. Oh, yeah.
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211. Who is he again?
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212. Uh, he's like the piano
player for that band,
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213. Nine Inch Nails.
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214. He's like some big stupid
rock star or something.
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215. Like Dave Matthews?
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216. Yeah, kinda like
Dave Matthews, yeah.
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217. Wait, is he one
of those musicians
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218. who wears like makeup and stuff?
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219. Yeah, he's like totally
goth now, it's pathetic.
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220. Check it out.
I'm the one that did it to him.
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221. Look, here's
a picture of Trent
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222. two days before
I dumped his ass.
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223. Seems like a cool dude.
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224. Okay, and now here's
the picture of Trent
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225. two days after I dumped his ass.
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226. Oh, oh!
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227. !
- Totally, he's a total [censored
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228. So anyways, now, sometimes
when I get bored,
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229. I like to just drive
over to his house
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230. and just drive him crazy.
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231. It's pretty fun,
you wanna try it?
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232. I like fun.
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233. Now don't uppercut
him or anything, baby.
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234. Leave this to me.
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235. Is that the pizza?
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236. Golly, you guys sure
got here in a—
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237. Stephanie, how did—
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238. Oh, uh, uh, uh, Stephanie,
what—what're you doing here?
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239. I—I—I thought you
were the pizza man.
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240. Oh, I was just in
the neighborhood,
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241. so I thought
I'd pop in and tell you
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242. that I'm probably totally
in love with you again.
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243. Oh, I—I knew
this day would come.
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244. I never stopped believing.
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245. Stephanie, I love you too.
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246. Psych, I'm just
fucking with you, Trent.
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247. I think you're totally
pathetic and weird.
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248. Huh!
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249. Stephanie, why
would you come here
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250. and do this to me again?
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251. Because I want you to meet
my new boyfriend.
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252. His name is Dirk and
his dick is huge.
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253. Guilty. Hey, man, what's up?
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254. Nice to meet you.
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255. Psych,
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256. - Good one, Dirk, kiss me.
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257. Oh, yeah.
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258. I'm sorry, I gotta go.
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259. I have to channel my pain
into my music.
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260. He always does this.
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261. - Uh, by the way, Trent,
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262. Dirk's a musician too,
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263. and he's probably totally
better than you are.
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264. - Yeah, I know like
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265. almost every Sublime song
on bass.
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266. Oh, my God.
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267. Hey Trent, your place
looks like shit!
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268. Yeah, this is what I imagine
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269. a girl vampire's house
to look like.
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270. So yeah, I basically,
I just come over here
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271. every couple years or so
and I give him a hard time,
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272. and then he goes
and makes an album.
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273. Makes like a shit ton of money.
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274. It's kind of
a win-win situation.
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275. Yeah, I heard the Sublime guys
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276. always like to write music
when they smoke weed.
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277. Oh, oh, baby.
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278. Wanna see him really
turn on the water works?
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279. Take out your dick and then
I'll call him into the room.
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280. This will be funny.
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281. Hey Trent, I think
the pizza guy's at the door.
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282. Oh, finally, a pizza
will help take my mind off the—
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283. I'm just kidding.
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284. I'm totally blowing
my boyfriend.
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285. Fuck you, nerd.
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286. Oh, yeah.
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287. Ladies and gentlemen,
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288. the surviving
members of Sublime.
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289. So, sorry about all
that music we put out.
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290. Hindsight's 20/20.
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291. We just hope you guys can all
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292. find it in your hearts
to forgive us.
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293. Anyway, the Grammy for best
industrial slash emo album
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294. of the year goes to...
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295. Nine Inch Nails for the album
Dirk, The Pizza Jerk.
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296. Okay, Caleb,
well, good morning,
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297. and welcome to your
first day of homeschool.
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298. Now our first class of
the day will be geometry.
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299. I was looking at our
lesson plan last night,
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300. and it looks to me like—
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301. Mom, I'm gonna get
some Cap'n Crunch.
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302. Ah, excuse me,
Caleb, no, you're not.
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303. There's no eating
in the classroom.
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304. This is the kitchen.
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305. Well, during school hours,
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306. we're calling this
the classroom.
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307. And I would appreciate it
if you did not call me Mom,
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308. but instead refer to
me as Mrs. Carlisle.
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309. Mrs. Carlisle.
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310. Thank you, Caleb, yes?
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311. You're not a real teacher.
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312. During school hours, I am
your homeschool teacher.
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313. Okay, Mom, I hope I do really,
really good at homeschool,
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314. so that way I can get
into a home college,
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315. and then I can get a home job,
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316. and make tons of home money.
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317. Caleb, I'll be making sure
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318. that you are more than prepared
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319. to get into a good college.
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320. What's the square root of 144?
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321. Excuse me?
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322. What's the square root of 144?
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323. Keep it up!
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324. Keep it up, young man,
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325. because that's not
in the lesson today.
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326. I don't need to know that today.
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327. So I'm supposed
to learn geometry
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328. from a lady who never
graduated college.
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329. Caleb, I dropped out of
school so I could raise you!
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330. Okay, so I'm supposed
to learn geometry
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331. from a lady who never
graduated college,
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332. and wasn't smart
enough to use condoms.
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333. That—you—
that is detention!
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334. Sweet, where is that,
like, my room?
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335. Ye—
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336. No, that is...
that is in the laundry room.
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337. Okay, going to the
laundry room, see ya.
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338. During school hours,
it's a detention hall.
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339. Thanks for
clearing that up, Professor.
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340. That's 20 more minutes
in the detention hall!
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341. Uh-huh.
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342. Excuse me, I've got
to do your—
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343. Caleb, are you smoking?
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344. Yep, where do I gotta go now?
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345. Is the principal's
office in my room?
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346. Because I'm really just trying
to make it back up there.
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347. You are on strike two,
young man.
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348. One more and you get suspended.
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349. If I get suspended,
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350. does that mean I go
back to real school?
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351. This is real school!
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352. Now, back to the kitchen!
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353. Mm. You mean the classroom.
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354. That's right, classroom!
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355. Okay, now there are
three types of triangles.
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356. There's the isosceles—
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357. Mrs. Carlisle?
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358. Yes, Caleb?
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359. I just got an invisible
telegram from the Elf Kingdom.
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360. Princess Buttercup
is in trouble,
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361. and they need me to go help,
so I'm gonna have to skip today.
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362. Caleb Jesse Carlisle!
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363. What? You're pretending,
I'm pretending.
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364. We're pretending together.
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365. That is... that's it!
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366. You go down to the garage!
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367. Oh no, the garage.
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368. Is that like super detention?
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369. Yes, that's like
super detention.
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370. It's the super detention hall.
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371. The super detention hall?
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372. Is that the one
with the pool table?
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373. Yes!
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374. No!
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375. You don't go to the garage!
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376. You go outside to the backyard!
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377. That's where the real pool is!
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378. I'll go get my swim trunks.
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379. No, Caleb, you!
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380. You go...
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381. to your room.
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382. There we go.
Good first day, Mom.
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383. It's Mrs. Carlisle.
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384. It's working.
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385. Yes.
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386. Yes!
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387. I'm finally ready.
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388. I'm finally ready.
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389. Awesome.
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390. Fucking awesome.
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391. Dude, the mail just came.
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392. Shut up, did they come?
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393. X-ray glasses.
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394. Oh, yeah.
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395. What, what, what?
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396. Dog park.
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397. Dog park.
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398. Oh, my.
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399. Uh-huh.
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400. Holy shit!
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401. IFC Original.
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