1. Why did I do that?
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2. Ah, why?
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3. Ah, if I did it right,
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4. my leg and my nuts would feel
the same as they did before.
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5. Oh, not better,
not worse, but the same.
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6. But I didn't do it right
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7. and now they feel,
oh, I don't know,
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8. 6,000 times worse!
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9. Dude, come on.
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10. No, no, no!
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11. It has taken me years
to get to this point.
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12. Years of practice.
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13. You guys are jerks
for even letting me attempt
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14. to do something like that.
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15. I will never, never,
never, ever,
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16. never, ever,
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17. never, ever!
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18. Man, I hate Mr. McGillicuddy.
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19. You think he'll
really quit this time?
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20. Nah. He'll be back.
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21. Never, ever!
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22. Never, never, ever!
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23. You know, this earthquake's
really takin' a long time.
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24. It really is.
We should turn the news on
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25. and find out what's going on.
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26. Good idea.
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27. We interrupt
this broadcast
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28. to bring
you this special report.
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29. Well, we are here
in day two of the earthquake,
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30. 46 hours in,
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31. and there's
still no end in sight.
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32. Seismologists are stumped,
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33. geologists baffled,
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34. and astronauts were
not even asked about it.
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35. We go now long at—holy Jesus!
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36. We go now to Stacey Ladynews,
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37. who's out on the street. Stacey.
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38. Thanks Jim.
I'm gonna hold you to that.
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39. As you can see,
looting has begun down here
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40. at the Fashion Center Mall,
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41. and one local dog
is not too happy about it.
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42. That's Wendell,
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43. and his owners run the
Huggins Family Appliance store
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44. down here
at the shopping center.
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45. They've lost over 90 percent
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46. of their inventory
over the past two days.
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47. One thing's for sure,
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48. many shop owners
are asking themselves,
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49. where is their Superdog now?
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50. Where indeed, Stacey?
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51. In fact, if Superdog
is out there listening,
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52. I'd like to say on behalf of
us all, "Here boy, here."
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53. Turning now to
international new—
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54. Ah, fucking shit!
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55. Extra, extra!
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56. Local news man
suspended for cursing on air!
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57. Read all about it!
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58. His indecency trial
starts today!
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59. Read about it!
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60. Now, Mr. Jim Laidoff
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61. would you mind telling the fine
folks of this jury what was
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62. so important
that you felt you had to say it
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63. on the public airwaves?
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64. Go ahead.
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65. Fucking shit.
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66. Eff-ing S.
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67. And Mr. Laidoff,
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68. why would you feel it necessary
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69. to say eff-ing S
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70. on television?
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71. Well, the goddamn fucking
light hit me in the head.
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72. Oh, fudgy stuff!
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73. Well, this isn't looking good.
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74. Extra, extra!
The earthquake stopped.
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75. It's true. It has stopped.
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76. Hear ye, hear ye!
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77. This calls for a celebration!
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78. I declare, sodas for everybody!
Hip, hip!
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79. Hooray!
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80. - Hip, hip!
Hooray!
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81. - Hip, hip!
Hooray!
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82. Fucking, shit!
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83. Yeah.
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84. Come on.
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85. God.
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86. Hey, Daryl, what's shakin'?
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87. Well, Chester,
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88. I've been trying to
artificially inseminate
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89. old Lainey Sue down there
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90. with this purebred
I got from Scarsborough,
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91. just can't seem to get him
excited,
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92. if you know what I mean.
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93. You mean like a horsey boner?
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94. Yep. Damn buck just
doesn't seem interested.
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95. Well, have you tried
showing him a picture
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96. of a stegosaurus yet?
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97. Now why in the hell
would I wanna do that?
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98. 'Cause horses love
stegosauruses.
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99. Really?
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100. Yeah. I keep this picture
on me at all times.
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101. I use it on all my stallions.
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102. Whoa. Oh! Okay, that's enough!
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103. Hey, pull the poster down!
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104. Pull the poster down, man!
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105. Seems to me that that horse
ain't seen a stegosaurus
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106. for quite some time.
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107. Get me another bucket, Chester!
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108. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
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109. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
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110. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
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111. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
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112. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
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113. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Candice, please,
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114. I'm trying to drive the car.
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115. I'm just so excited
we're finally seeing this movie.
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116. I've been waiting so long.
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117. What, to see
The Most Loveliest Bride?
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118. Yes, The Most Loveliest Bride.
What's wrong with that?
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119. Well, you didn't even
know about
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120. The Most Loveliest Bride
until last week.
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121. I don't care,
and you need to hurry,
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122. 'cause we're gonna be late
for The Most Loveliest Bride!
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123. I'm going as fast as I can,
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124. the roads are
really bad tonight.
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125. You need to hurry up
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126. because we gotta see
The Most Loveliest Bride!
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127. I'm going as fast
as I can, Candace!
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128. We need to see
The Most Loveliest Bride!
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129. Candace, I'm going
as fast as I can!
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130. Candace, stop it!
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131. Candace, I'm trying
to drive the car!
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132. The Most Loveliest Bride.
The Most Loveliest Bride.
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133. The Most Loveliest Bride.
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134. I have to go see
The Most Loveliest Bride!
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135. Tom, we have to go
see The Most Loveliest Bride!
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136. Tom, we have to go see
The Most Loveliest Bride!
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137. The Most Loveliest Bride!
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138. We have to go see
The Most Loveliest Bride!
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139. - Wake up Tom, wake up!
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140. We have to go see
The Most Loveliest—
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141. No, no, no, no!
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142. - Ma'am, calm down. Calm down.
- No!
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143. You don't understand,
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144. I'm late for
The Most Loveliest Bride!
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145. Calm down.
Somebody cover that up!
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146. I have to go see
The Most Loveliest Bride!
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147. Calm down! Frankie,
gimme a hand over here!
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148. The Most Loveliest Bride!
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149. Settle down, ma'am,
you've been in an accident!
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150. I have to go see
The Most Loveliest Bride!
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151. Frankie, hold her down while
I get this shot into her.
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152. The Most Loveliest Bride!
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153. - Hold her, Frankie.
- The Loveliest Bride!
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154. Loveliest...
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155. Bride...
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156. Oh, Jesus Christ.
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157. That was crazy.
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158. Oh my god, oh my—
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159. Nobody move! I'm gonna
go see The Loveliest Bride!
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160. She's so lovely!
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161. You truly are
the most loveliest bride.
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162. - Oh! Oh!
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163. She's so lovely!
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164. Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!
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165. She's so lovely!
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166. Sir, you wanted to see me?
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167. Yes! Trumeter, come on in.
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168. So, what's up?
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169. Nothin'.
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170. Just notice that you've got
quite a black eye there.
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171. Yeah, I missed a pop fly
at softball this weekend.
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172. It was pretty dumb.
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173. Playing softball, huh?
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174. Yeah.
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175. Okay.
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176. What's the real scoop?
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177. Sir?
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178. Where'd you get the shiner?
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179. I really got it from softball.
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180. Are you sure you didn't
get it at a fight club?
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181. Sir?
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182. Just so you know,
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183. I'm cool.
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184. Okay.
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185. What?
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186. Where'd you get the black eye?
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187. I got it from softball.
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188. Methinks "I am Jack's"
lying to his boss.
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189. What?
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190. Trumeter, I know
what's going on here, okay?
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191. I was a young, fresh-faced
intern just like yourself
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192. when that movie came out.
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193. Fight Club?
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194. I wanted to join one so bad,
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195. but I could never figure
out where they took place.
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196. So I just want you to know...
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197. I'm cool.
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198. Mr. Timmy, I do not
belong to a fight club.
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199. I know,
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200. the first rule of Fight Club is,
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201. - Sir.
- Trumeter,
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202. I know you started
a fight club and I want in.
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203. I really don't know
how else to tell you this, but—
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204. I want in or you're fired.
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205. Okay.
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206. Okay, first of all,
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207. can I thank all you guys
for doing this for me?
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208. It's a real big favor. Alright.
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209. I also want thank Bill
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210. for letting us use
the basement of his sub shop.
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211. It's really cool of you, man.
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212. Not a problem, dude.
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213. Alright, well,
let's go over some of the rules.
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214. First rule of Fight Club is
when my boss shows up,
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215. try and act like we've been
doing this for awhile, okay?
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216. Second rule of Fight Club
is do not fuck with any
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217. of the cups or
the condiments down here. Okay?
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218. Thanks, man.
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219. Third rule of
Fight Club is that—
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220. Whooo-wha-wha-wow.
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221. Hey everyone, this is my boss.
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222. What's up guys?
Huh? How's it going?
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223. What's up, Trumeter?
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224. Even the Mona Lisa
is falling apart.
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225. Okay. So,
who wants to fight my boss?
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226. Dude.
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227. All right. I'm gonna
destroy something beautiful.
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228. You know?
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229. I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!
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230. I can't breathe! Oh, god.
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231. Trumeter,
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232. thank you so much for inviting
me to the you know what,
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233. I've had
the best night of my life.
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234. Yeah.
Didn't you park back there?
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235. Hey, can I ask
you something crazy?
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236. Yeah.
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237. Do you think
we're the same person?
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238. God, I hope not.
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239. How is that gay?
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240. It's just gay.
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241. It is so not gay.
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242. It is so gay.
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243. Look, it's not gay.
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244. I just said it would be
cool if I had a girlfriend
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245. who had balls.
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246. And that's why it's gay.
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247. No, no, no. She's a chick.
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248. It's not like
she has a dick or anything.
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249. She just has balls.
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250. That's gay.
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251. I mean like testicles.
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252. I know.
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253. How can you not think
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254. that's like
the hottest thing ever?
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255. Because I'm straight.
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256. Me too!
I'm talking about a chick.
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257. With dude genitalia.
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258. With dude genitalia!
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259. That's gay.
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260. You are crazy.
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261. Guys, Brian said that you have
to keep it down in here.
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262. Oh, good. Zach's here.
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263. Okay, Zach, you tell me
when this gets gay.
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264. Okay.
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265. So, I'm hooking up
with this smoking hot chick.
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266. Sure.
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267. She looks like a female
version of George Clooney.
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268. That's a little gay.
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269. Hold on. So we're
making out on the mouth.
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270. Huh?
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271. Then I'm touching her boobs.
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272. - Right
- Huh? Huh?
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273. Then I'm grabbing
her butt cheeks.
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274. - Fine.
- All right.
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275. Then I'm playing
around with her sweet vagina.
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276. Sure.
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277. Then I'm wiping my wiener
on her balls.
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278. - Gay.
- What?
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279. Are you listening
to one word that I'm saying?
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280. What about that is remotely gay?
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281. - The balls.
- They're stuck to a chick!
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282. You know, maybe
what's confusing you guys is
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283. that you think
I'm talking about a dick?
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284. Nope.
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285. 'Cause I could see
where that would be gay.
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286. Right.
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287. But I'm not
talking about a dick.
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288. I'm talking about good
old fashioned, perfectly round,
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289. lightly misted,
wood chipped fragrance,
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290. awesome balls.
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291. Can we get the check please?
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292. I'm gonna go slow, alright?
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293. And you both just be
completely honest with me.
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294. Haven't you both
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295. always wanted
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296. for girls to have balls?
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297. No.
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298. Okay. Alright.
It's just me. It's just me.
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299. Yeah, dude.
It's totally just you.
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300. I'm the crazy one here.
I'm just crazy. You know what?
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301. Stop the car. Stop the car.
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302. No.
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303. Okay. Peep this.
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304. I drew a little diagram
last night
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305. that should help you guys out
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306. with your little
misunderstanding.
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307. So try,
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308. just try,
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309. and tell me that this...
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310. is gay.
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311. Unbelievably.
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312. That's it. You're both fired.
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313. I don't even care.
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314. It's not gay?
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315. Too little too late. Get out.
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316. Alright everybody, back to work.
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317. We have till next Friday
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318. to think up four
new popcorn flavors.
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319. That's right!
You've been watching
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320. "The Popcorn Factory Sketch!"
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321. Look for it online by name as
"The Popcorn Factory Sketch!"
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322. Holy shit!
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323. IFC Originals.
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