The Whitest Kids U' Know 3x8

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Why did I do that?

2. Ah, why?

3. Ah, if I did it right,

4. my leg and my nuts would feel the same as they did before.

5. Oh, not better, not worse, but the same.

6. But I didn't do it right

7. and now they feel, oh, I don't know,

8. 6,000 times worse!

9. Dude, come on.

10. No, no, no!

11. It has taken me years to get to this point.

12. Years of practice.

13. You guys are jerks for even letting me attempt

14. to do something like that.

15. I will never, never, never, ever,

16. never, ever,

17. never, ever!

18. Man, I hate Mr. McGillicuddy.

19. You think he'll really quit this time?

20. Nah. He'll be back.

21. Never, ever!

22. Never, never, ever!

23. You know, this earthquake's really takin' a long time.

24. It really is. We should turn the news on

25. and find out what's going on.

26. Good idea.

27. We interrupt this broadcast

28. to bring you this special report.

29. Well, we are here in day two of the earthquake,

30. 46 hours in,

31. and there's still no end in sight.

32. Seismologists are stumped,

33. geologists baffled,

34. and astronauts were not even asked about it.

35. We go now long at—holy Jesus!

36. We go now to Stacey Ladynews,

37. who's out on the street. Stacey.

38. Thanks Jim. I'm gonna hold you to that.

39. As you can see, looting has begun down here

40. at the Fashion Center Mall,

41. and one local dog is not too happy about it.

42. That's Wendell,

43. and his owners run the Huggins Family Appliance store

44. down here at the shopping center.

45. They've lost over 90 percent

46. of their inventory over the past two days.

47. One thing's for sure,

48. many shop owners are asking themselves,

49. where is their Superdog now?

50. Where indeed, Stacey?

51. In fact, if Superdog is out there listening,

52. I'd like to say on behalf of us all, "Here boy, here."

53. Turning now to international new—

54. Ah, fucking shit!

55. Extra, extra!

56. Local news man suspended for cursing on air!

57. Read all about it!

58. His indecency trial starts today!

59. Read about it!

60. Now, Mr. Jim Laidoff

61. would you mind telling the fine folks of this jury what was

62. so important that you felt you had to say it

63. on the public airwaves?

64. Go ahead.

65. Fucking shit.

66. Eff-ing S.

67. And Mr. Laidoff,

68. why would you feel it necessary

69. to say eff-ing S

70. on television?

71. Well, the goddamn fucking light hit me in the head.

72. Oh, fudgy stuff!

73. Well, this isn't looking good.

74. Extra, extra! The earthquake stopped.

75. It's true. It has stopped.

76. Hear ye, hear ye!

77. This calls for a celebration!

78. I declare, sodas for everybody! Hip, hip!

79. Hooray!

80. - Hip, hip! Hooray!

81. - Hip, hip! Hooray!

82. Fucking, shit!

83. Yeah.

84. Come on.

85. God.

86. Hey, Daryl, what's shakin'?

87. Well, Chester,

88. I've been trying to artificially inseminate

89. old Lainey Sue down there

90. with this purebred I got from Scarsborough,

91. just can't seem to get him excited,

92. if you know what I mean.

93. You mean like a horsey boner?

94. Yep. Damn buck just doesn't seem interested.

95. Well, have you tried showing him a picture

96. of a stegosaurus yet?

97. Now why in the hell would I wanna do that?

98. 'Cause horses love stegosauruses.

99. Really?

100. Yeah. I keep this picture on me at all times.

101. I use it on all my stallions.

102. Whoa. Oh! Okay, that's enough!

103. Hey, pull the poster down!

104. Pull the poster down, man!

105. Seems to me that that horse ain't seen a stegosaurus

106. for quite some time.

107. Get me another bucket, Chester!

108. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

109. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

110. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

111. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

112. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

113. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! - Candice, please,

114. I'm trying to drive the car.

115. I'm just so excited we're finally seeing this movie.

116. I've been waiting so long.

117. What, to see The Most Loveliest Bride?

118. Yes, The Most Loveliest Bride. What's wrong with that?

119. Well, you didn't even know about

120. The Most Loveliest Bride until last week.

121. I don't care, and you need to hurry,

122. 'cause we're gonna be late for The Most Loveliest Bride!

123. I'm going as fast as I can,

124. the roads are really bad tonight.

125. You need to hurry up

126. because we gotta see The Most Loveliest Bride!

127. I'm going as fast as I can, Candace!

128. We need to see The Most Loveliest Bride!

129. Candace, I'm going as fast as I can!

130. Candace, stop it!

131. Candace, I'm trying to drive the car!

132. The Most Loveliest Bride. The Most Loveliest Bride.

133. The Most Loveliest Bride.

134. I have to go see The Most Loveliest Bride!

135. Tom, we have to go see The Most Loveliest Bride!

136. Tom, we have to go see The Most Loveliest Bride!

137. The Most Loveliest Bride!

138. We have to go see The Most Loveliest Bride!

139. - Wake up Tom, wake up!

140. We have to go see The Most Loveliest—

141. No, no, no, no!

142. - Ma'am, calm down. Calm down. - No!

143. You don't understand,

144. I'm late for The Most Loveliest Bride!

145. Calm down. Somebody cover that up!

146. I have to go see The Most Loveliest Bride!

147. Calm down! Frankie, gimme a hand over here!

148. The Most Loveliest Bride!

149. Settle down, ma'am, you've been in an accident!

150. I have to go see The Most Loveliest Bride!

151. Frankie, hold her down while I get this shot into her.

152. The Most Loveliest Bride!

153. - Hold her, Frankie. - The Loveliest Bride!

154. Loveliest...

155. Bride...

156. Oh, Jesus Christ.

157. That was crazy.

158. Oh my god, oh my—

159. Nobody move! I'm gonna go see The Loveliest Bride!

160. She's so lovely!

161. You truly are the most loveliest bride.

162. - Oh! Oh!

163. She's so lovely!

164. Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!

165. She's so lovely!

166. Sir, you wanted to see me?

167. Yes! Trumeter, come on in.

168. So, what's up?

169. Nothin'.

170. Just notice that you've got quite a black eye there.

171. Yeah, I missed a pop fly at softball this weekend.

172. It was pretty dumb.

173. Playing softball, huh?

174. Yeah.

175. Okay.

176. What's the real scoop?

177. Sir?

178. Where'd you get the shiner?

179. I really got it from softball.

180. Are you sure you didn't get it at a fight club?

181. Sir?

182. Just so you know,

183. I'm cool.

184. Okay.

185. What?

186. Where'd you get the black eye?

187. I got it from softball.

188. Methinks "I am Jack's" lying to his boss.

189. What?

190. Trumeter, I know what's going on here, okay?

191. I was a young, fresh-faced intern just like yourself

192. when that movie came out.

193. Fight Club?

194. I wanted to join one so bad,

195. but I could never figure out where they took place.

196. So I just want you to know...

197. I'm cool.

198. Mr. Timmy, I do not belong to a fight club.

199. I know,

200. the first rule of Fight Club is,

201. - Sir. - Trumeter,

202. I know you started a fight club and I want in.

203. I really don't know how else to tell you this, but—

204. I want in or you're fired.

205. Okay.

206. Okay, first of all,

207. can I thank all you guys for doing this for me?

208. It's a real big favor. Alright.

209. I also want thank Bill

210. for letting us use the basement of his sub shop.

211. It's really cool of you, man.

212. Not a problem, dude.

213. Alright, well, let's go over some of the rules.

214. First rule of Fight Club is when my boss shows up,

215. try and act like we've been doing this for awhile, okay?

216. Second rule of Fight Club is do not fuck with any

217. of the cups or the condiments down here. Okay?

218. Thanks, man.

219. Third rule of Fight Club is that—

220. Whooo-wha-wha-wow.

221. Hey everyone, this is my boss.

222. What's up guys? Huh? How's it going?

223. What's up, Trumeter?

224. Even the Mona Lisa is falling apart.

225. Okay. So, who wants to fight my boss?

226. Dude.

227. All right. I'm gonna destroy something beautiful.

228. You know?

229. I can't breathe, I can't breathe!

230. I can't breathe! Oh, god.

231. Trumeter,

232. thank you so much for inviting me to the you know what,

233. I've had the best night of my life.

234. Yeah. Didn't you park back there?

235. Hey, can I ask you something crazy?

236. Yeah.

237. Do you think we're the same person?

238. God, I hope not.

239. How is that gay?

240. It's just gay.

241. It is so not gay.

242. It is so gay.

243. Look, it's not gay.

244. I just said it would be cool if I had a girlfriend

245. who had balls.

246. And that's why it's gay.

247. No, no, no. She's a chick.

248. It's not like she has a dick or anything.

249. She just has balls.

250. That's gay.

251. I mean like testicles.

252. I know.

253. How can you not think

254. that's like the hottest thing ever?

255. Because I'm straight.

256. Me too! I'm talking about a chick.

257. With dude genitalia.

258. With dude genitalia!

259. That's gay.

260. You are crazy.

261. Guys, Brian said that you have to keep it down in here.

262. Oh, good. Zach's here.

263. Okay, Zach, you tell me when this gets gay.

264. Okay.

265. So, I'm hooking up with this smoking hot chick.

266. Sure.

267. She looks like a female version of George Clooney.

268. That's a little gay.

269. Hold on. So we're making out on the mouth.

270. Huh?

271. Then I'm touching her boobs.

272. - Right - Huh? Huh?

273. Then I'm grabbing her butt cheeks.

274. - Fine. - All right.

275. Then I'm playing around with her sweet vagina.

276. Sure.

277. Then I'm wiping my wiener on her balls.

278. - Gay. - What?

279. Are you listening to one word that I'm saying?

280. What about that is remotely gay?

281. - The balls. - They're stuck to a chick!

282. You know, maybe what's confusing you guys is

283. that you think I'm talking about a dick?

284. Nope.

285. 'Cause I could see where that would be gay.

286. Right.

287. But I'm not talking about a dick.

288. I'm talking about good old fashioned, perfectly round,

289. lightly misted, wood chipped fragrance,

290. awesome balls.

291. Can we get the check please?

292. I'm gonna go slow, alright?

293. And you both just be completely honest with me.

294. Haven't you both

295. always wanted

296. for girls to have balls?

297. No.

298. Okay. Alright. It's just me. It's just me.

299. Yeah, dude. It's totally just you.

300. I'm the crazy one here. I'm just crazy. You know what?

301. Stop the car. Stop the car.

302. No.

303. Okay. Peep this.

304. I drew a little diagram last night

305. that should help you guys out

306. with your little misunderstanding.

307. So try,

308. just try,

309. and tell me that this...

310. is gay.

311. Unbelievably.

312. That's it. You're both fired.

313. I don't even care.

314. It's not gay?

315. Too little too late. Get out.

316. Alright everybody, back to work.

317. We have till next Friday

318. to think up four new popcorn flavors.

319. That's right! You've been watching

320. "The Popcorn Factory Sketch!"

321. Look for it online by name as "The Popcorn Factory Sketch!"

322. Holy shit!

323. IFC Originals.