1. Hello, kids.
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2. Did you like my cookies?
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3. Yes, Grandma.
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4. That's good.
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5. Because I made them
with my own fingers.
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6. We recording? Alright,
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7. this is Dr. Richard Pepper
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8. and Dr. Colin Pibb.
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9. With us is General Mills
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10. and we are about to
begin the autopsy
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11. on the unidentified life form
found in Crash Site 51
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12. in Roswell, New Mexico.
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13. The life form is roughly
a meter and a half in length,
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14. 89 pounds, seven ounces,
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15. and has a cranial circumference
of 45 centimeters.
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16. Dr. Pibb, if you'll begin
the initial incision.
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17. Beginning initial incision.
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18. We are cutting into
the alien life form's torso.
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19. The creature has a very
sponge-like sort of tissue.
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20. We are nearing the stomach.
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21. There appear to be...
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22. peanut butter candies
in the alien.
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23. Are there any organs in there?
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24. I'm still looking,
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25. Here, get some of these.
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26. The candies seem to have
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27. a hard coating.
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28. Well, they're Reese's—
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29. Hey, we don't say
the brand name.
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30. Well...
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31. maybe they're not in the torso.
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32. Maybe it's in one of the limbs.
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33. Oh.
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34. What the fuck are you doing?
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35. That is my piñata!
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36. It's your piñata.
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37. I had two piñatas.
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38. I tied them to a weather balloon
and they got away!
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39. You ruined my party!
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40. - What?
- What party?
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41. My party over in Mexico.
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42. Ah, we were going to
have chalupas
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43. and gorditas and margaritas.
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44. Dios mío.
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45. Get the fuck out of
our secret base.
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46. People, settle down.
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47. Settle down.
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48. We will be keeping
the beaches closed
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49. until further notice.
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50. Is it true that there's
a bear in the ocean?
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51. Is that what ate
the Hendersons' kid?
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52. We're trying to get to
the bottom
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53. of what has been attacking
our community.
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54. It's a bear.
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55. It's a bear, I tell ya.
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56. People, settle down.
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57. Settle down.
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58. It's not a bear,
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59. It's a shark.
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60. Who are you?
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61. Name's Flynn.
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62. And I was on
the USS South Dakota.
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63. You were in the Dakota?
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64. 1949.
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65. We'd just delivered the A-bomb
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66. to be used on Hiroshima, China.
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67. On our way back,
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68. we got tagged by a Kraut U-Boat.
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69. Whole ship was in the water
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70. in less than 35 minutes, flat.
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71. Temperature? Seven below.
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72. We tied some
life vests together,
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73. formed groups of four each.
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74. And we're just out there
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75. bobbing in the water.
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76. Wasn't two or three
minutes passed
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77. before I heard the first
screams.
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78. Mako shark.
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79. 12 feet long.
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80. That's the distance between
the dorsal fin and the tail.
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81. Every minute or so
we'd hear some screaming
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82. and thrashing in the water
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83. and then silence.
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84. See, the thing about a shark
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85. is that when it rolls up on you
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86. with those dark, dead,
cold eyes,
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87. it's like it's not even alive.
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88. Shark takes life,
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89. but he ain't got no life in him.
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90. Shark is nothing but deaths.
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91. Anyway,
that's what you got there.
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92. That's your shark.
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93. Right, guys?
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94. I'm sorry,
what did you say?
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95. Sorry, what was that?
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96. So I find out that
one of the kids
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97. from that show
Home Improvement
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98. lives in my building.
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99. And you know how much
I love celebs, right?
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100. - Yeah, man.
- Uh, yeah, man.
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101. So I'm thinking,
I throw a killer party.
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102. Maybe he's gonna show up.
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103. Yeah, look,
I was just stopping by,
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104. so I think I'm gonna get going.
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105. No, no, no, no, no.
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106. Hang out, man.
Meet some people.
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107. Hey, Stacy. Stacy.
Meet Sam.
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108. Meet Stacy, Sam.
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109. Hi.
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110. Hi.
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111. Nice to meet you.
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112. Likewise.
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113. Yeah. Cool. Okay.
And meet Betty, also.
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114. Betty, come meet Sam.
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115. Oh, my.
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116. Geez.
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117. Hold on one second.
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118. Dear, God,
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119. please let this work.
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120. Stacy,
I want you to meet Betty.
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121. Oh, hello.
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122. Hello.
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123. Hi.
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124. Damn it!
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125. Fuck!
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126. Are you okay?
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127. Yeah, it's just that...
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128. Fuck, so close.
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129. All right.
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130. How much do you make?
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131. 35,000 dollars a year.
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132. You?
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133. 45.
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134. Geez. Really?
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135. Alright, 45, let's go.
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136. Hey, why so glum?
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137. You look familiar.
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138. Yeah. You ever seen a little
show called Home Improvement?
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139. One of the sons!
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140. So, how much do you make?
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141. 35K.
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142. No way! That's amazing.
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143. Can I stay at your place?
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144. Okay.
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145. - Breathe, breathe.
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146. Breathe, you're doing good.
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147. You're doing good.
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148. - Now push, push.
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149. That's good.
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150. Keep pushing, keep pushing.
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151. Push, push, push, push.
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152. Stop pooping!
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153. I'm sorry.
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154. Push with the other hole.
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155. Okay!
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156. Okay. Okay. Okay. Good.
Good, good, good.
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157. I can see the head.
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158. I can see the head.
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159. - You can?
- Yeah.
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160. I got him. I got him. I got him.
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161. What happened?
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162. I lost him.
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163. What?
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164. He's crawling back up.
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165. We got a runner.
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166. A runner?
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167. We got a runner!
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168. Okay. Stay calm. Stay calm.
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169. We're gonna get that baby
out of there.
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170. Alright,
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171. I'm going in.
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172. Ah. Oh!
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173. Hold on.
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174. There we go. I got him.
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175. I got him. I got him.
I got him. I—
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176. I lost him.
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177. Son-of-a-bitch baby.
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178. Nothing ever changes.
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179. Oh.
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180. - Oh! Shh. Shh. Shh.
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181. He's on the move.
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182. Okay. Alright.
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183. Alright. Be cool.
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184. Everybody be cool.
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185. We can take him out from here.
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186. Alright, now just say, "ah."
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187. He's onto us.
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188. - Where is he?
- Shh.
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189. Oh, he's on the move.
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190. I got him.
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191. - Oh!
- Ah, ah.
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192. He's going out the bottom.
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193. He's going out the bottom.
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194. Oh, he's in the leg.
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195. He's in the leg.
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196. Nurse, surgical axe.
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197. Oh, God!
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198. Ah, my leg!
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199. - Congratulations, miss.
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200. It's a girl.
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201. So that's when they had to
attach it to my leg.
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202. That never happened.
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203. We don't have kids.
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204. Ka-ruff!
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205. It's like a menopausal thing
or something.
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206. She's losing her mind.
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207. La, la, la, la, la, la, la...
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208. La, la, la, la, la, la, la...
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209. - La, la, la, la, la, la, la...
- I'm getting a divorce.
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210. La, la, la, la, la, la, la...
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211. La, la, la, la, la, la, la...
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212. La, la, la, la, la, la, la...
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213. I'm stuck.
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214. Santa's stuck.
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215. Stuck in this chimney.
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216. Looks like it'll take a few
minutes to get unstuck.
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217. Nobody better do anything
while I'm stuck in here
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218. in this chimney.
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219. Pretty powerless.
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220. Pretty vulnerable.
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221. None of you kids
do anything naughty.
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222. Nobody do anything
to old Santa Claus
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223. while he's all helpless.
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224. Oh, if anyone decided to do
something to Santa Claus,
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225. he wouldn't be able to do
anything to stop him.
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226. None of you kids get any ideas.
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227. Oh, boy.
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228. Oh, someone got a bad idea.
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229. It'd be a jolly old time
for old Saint Nick.
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230. Still fucking out there.
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231. What does he want?
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232. Did you call the police?
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233. - Yeah, like two hours ago.
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234. Uh, hey there.
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235. What do you want?
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236. Well, that is not happening, buster.
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237. Yes, he will.
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238. Could we put him in another
fucking cell please?
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239. - Oh, my God.
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240. What are you?
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241. I told you no!
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242. Oh, hell no!
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243. What did we learn here today?
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244. Seems to be the problem?
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245. Well, doc, my mouth
is stuck open.
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246. No, it's not.
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247. Yeah, it is.
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248. Been stuck open for
three whole weeks.
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249. I can't get it shut
for the life of me.
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250. You're speaking to me right now.
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251. What's your point?
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252. Well, to speak, you have
to control your jaw muscles.
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253. You can do that, so clearly
you can close your mouth.
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254. Uh-uh. My mouth actually never
shuts when I'm speaking.
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255. It may look like it
to the naked eye,
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256. but if you look really closely,
it never actually shuts.
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257. Go on, doc. Take a peek.
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258. Yeah, I'm not gonna take a peek.
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259. Go ahead, check it out.
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260. No.
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261. Come on. Hold my tongue down,
and take a look for yourself.
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262. Looks okay to me—
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263. Ah!
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264. Ah!
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265. Now, stop having sex
with my wife!
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266. Jesus!
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267. You're gonna rip your dick off.
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268. What? What?
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269. If you stick your dick
in this vacuum cleaner
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270. and turn it on,
you're gonna rip your dick off.
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271. Why would I do that?
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272. I don't know, sir,
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273. because it's not gonna
feel like a blow job.
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274. How would you know?
And I mean...
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275. I'm not going to.
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276. Good.
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277. Because if you did,
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278. you would rip your dick off.
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279. So are there like multiple
power settings on this?
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280. Yeah. Yeah.
There's high and there's low.
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281. And both of those will
rip your dick off.
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282. What? That's such a weird way
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283. to describe the power settings
on a vacuum.
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284. I mean, is there like
another vacuum?
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285. - That won't rip your dick off?
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286. I'm just trying to clean
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287. - my apartment, man.
- It's this one right here.
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288. This is a vacuum cleaner
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289. that sucks dicks really well.
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290. I don't know what your deal is, man.
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291. But I just have a messy
apartment
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292. and you're being a real weirdo.
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293. Oh, hell no.
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294. I need this.
My apartment's dirty.
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295. - Mm-hm.
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296. 1,400 dollars?
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297. Watch, this motherfucker
still gonna buy it.
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298. This is ridiculous.
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299. Nasty-ass vacuum-fuckers. Here.
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300. Daddy.
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301. I see some kids from school.
Come on.
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302. Okay, just cool it.
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303. Quit pulling.
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304. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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305. And welcome to the Barf Museum.
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306. Woop. Uh-oh,
I'm not feeling very good.
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307. - Woo.
- Not— not me. Just the kid.
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308. You're awesome!
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309. Daddy, I wanna go on
the vomit slide.
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310. Can I go on the vomit slide?
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311. Yeah, go.
Just, stay on your leash.
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312. I know that look.
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313. Yeah.
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314. What is this a birthday party?
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315. Yeah, birthday party.
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316. I've been to three birthdays
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317. and two bar mitzvahs here
in the last month alone.
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318. God.
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319. Philip, get off the slide.
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320. Philip!
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321. Whoa!
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322. How do you do it, man?
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323. My kid here is a little bit
hyperactive.
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324. So I got him a prescription
of Adderall.
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325. And before we go out,
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326. I'll take a couple of those.
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327. Four score and seven years ago—
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328. No, no, no, no.
I'm just here for my kid.
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329. How come you're dressed
like Lincoln?
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330. Oh this, it's just so schools
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331. can send their kids here
on field trips.
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332. Hey, my kid's flunking
social studies.
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333. You wanna go puke on him?
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334. He's lying on the ground
over there by the chunky bars.
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335. - You wanna hit the parent pen?
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336. - Sure.
- Come on.
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337. I mean I used to have friends,
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338. I had hobbies.
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339. I was interesting.
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340. Ya know?
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341. Now...
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342. I spend all my time
chauffeuring them around
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343. to 3-D movies.
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344. Yeah, man, kids blow.
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345. It's like, I don't...
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346. I don't know how my life became,
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347. you know, this.
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348. You know what?
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349. Screw that.
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350. I mean, why did they get to do
everything they want
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351. and we follow them around
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352. like we're their servants
or something?
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353. Yeah.
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354. I don't need to watch your
stupid Japanese cartoon show.
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355. I'm the grownup.
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356. Yeah.
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357. I don't need to help you
with your homework.
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358. I already graduated.
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359. Well, actually,
I think that one is a little...
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360. You know what we should do?
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361. We should leave them here,
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362. then go out, you and I,
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363. and tear stuff up.
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364. What?
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365. - Look!
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366. They love it here.
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367. They can't get enough
of the place.
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368. Let's go out,
do what we wanna do
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369. and come back at the end
of the day and pick 'em up.
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370. Well, we can't,
we can't just leave them here.
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371. I mean we gotta,
we gotta watch 'em.
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372. Why? All the utensils here
are plastic. We're good.
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373. No, I mean like
what if somebody...
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374. what if somebody
takes one of them?
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375. Who's gonna want to take that?
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376. Well, the people that
generally take kids are...
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377. you know, child molesters.
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378. Dude, covered.
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379. AIDS.
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380. Okay. And we are golden.
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381. Alright, kids, here's 20 bucks.
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382. We'll see you at nine.
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383. Alright.
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384. - Oh!
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385. Kids!
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386. Hey, kids.
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387. Wait a minute. What?
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388. Where did you get AIDS?
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389. No, no, no, no,
you did that, man.
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390. I did not.
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391. No, no, no, no.
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392. You wrote it on them, man.
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393. Oh, yeah.
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394. Good job, kids.
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395. - Oh.
- Hey, man.
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396. Oh.
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397. You puked on my kid.
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398. That's all right, man.
You can puke on my kid.
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399. These kids love puke.
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400. Oh, man. I don't even know
if I can puke.
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401. Holy shit!
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