The Whitest Kids U' Know 4x1

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Grandma's Cookies Alien Autopsy Jaws Love at First Sight Baby Sketch Santa Clause Sex Robot My Mouth Stuck Open Rip Your Dick Off Barf Museum

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hello, kids.

2. Did you like my cookies?

3. Yes, Grandma.

4. That's good.

5. Because I made them with my own fingers.

6. We recording? Alright,

7. this is Dr. Richard Pepper

8. and Dr. Colin Pibb.

9. With us is General Mills

10. and we are about to begin the autopsy

11. on the unidentified life form found in Crash Site 51

12. in Roswell, New Mexico.

13. The life form is roughly a meter and a half in length,

14. 89 pounds, seven ounces,

15. and has a cranial circumference of 45 centimeters.

16. Dr. Pibb, if you'll begin the initial incision.

17. Beginning initial incision.

18. We are cutting into the alien life form's torso.

19. The creature has a very sponge-like sort of tissue.

20. We are nearing the stomach.

21. There appear to be...

22. peanut butter candies in the alien.

23. Are there any organs in there?

24. I'm still looking,

25. Here, get some of these.

26. The candies seem to have

27. a hard coating.

28. Well, they're Reese's—

29. Hey, we don't say the brand name.

30. Well...

31. maybe they're not in the torso.

32. Maybe it's in one of the limbs.

33. Oh.

34. What the fuck are you doing?

35. That is my piñata!

36. It's your piñata.

37. I had two piñatas.

38. I tied them to a weather balloon and they got away!

39. You ruined my party!

40. - What? - What party?

41. My party over in Mexico.

42. Ah, we were going to have chalupas

43. and gorditas and margaritas.

44. Dios mío.

45. Get the fuck out of our secret base.

46. People, settle down.

47. Settle down.

48. We will be keeping the beaches closed

49. until further notice.

50. Is it true that there's a bear in the ocean?

51. Is that what ate the Hendersons' kid?

52. We're trying to get to the bottom

53. of what has been attacking our community.

54. It's a bear.

55. It's a bear, I tell ya.

56. People, settle down.

57. Settle down.

58. It's not a bear,

59. It's a shark.

60. Who are you?

61. Name's Flynn.

62. And I was on the USS South Dakota.

63. You were in the Dakota?

64. 1949.

65. We'd just delivered the A-bomb

66. to be used on Hiroshima, China.

67. On our way back,

68. we got tagged by a Kraut U-Boat.

69. Whole ship was in the water

70. in less than 35 minutes, flat.

71. Temperature? Seven below.

72. We tied some life vests together,

73. formed groups of four each.

74. And we're just out there

75. bobbing in the water.

76. Wasn't two or three minutes passed

77. before I heard the first screams.

78. Mako shark.

79. 12 feet long.

80. That's the distance between the dorsal fin and the tail.

81. Every minute or so we'd hear some screaming

82. and thrashing in the water

83. and then silence.

84. See, the thing about a shark

85. is that when it rolls up on you

86. with those dark, dead, cold eyes,

87. it's like it's not even alive.

88. Shark takes life,

89. but he ain't got no life in him.

90. Shark is nothing but deaths.

91. Anyway, that's what you got there.

92. That's your shark.

93. Right, guys?

94. I'm sorry, what did you say?

95. Sorry, what was that?

96. So I find out that one of the kids

97. from that show Home Improvement

98. lives in my building.

99. And you know how much I love celebs, right?

100. - Yeah, man. - Uh, yeah, man.

101. So I'm thinking, I throw a killer party.

102. Maybe he's gonna show up.

103. Yeah, look, I was just stopping by,

104. so I think I'm gonna get going.

105. No, no, no, no, no.

106. Hang out, man. Meet some people.

107. Hey, Stacy. Stacy. Meet Sam.

108. Meet Stacy, Sam.

109. Hi.

110. Hi.

111. Nice to meet you.

112. Likewise.

113. Yeah. Cool. Okay. And meet Betty, also.

114. Betty, come meet Sam.

115. Oh, my.

116. Geez.

117. Hold on one second.

118. Dear, God,

119. please let this work.

120. Stacy, I want you to meet Betty.

121. Oh, hello.

122. Hello.

123. Hi.

124. Damn it!

125. Fuck!

126. Are you okay?

127. Yeah, it's just that...

128. Fuck, so close.

129. All right.

130. How much do you make?

131. 35,000 dollars a year.

132. You?

133. 45.

134. Geez. Really?

135. Alright, 45, let's go.

136. Hey, why so glum?

137. You look familiar.

138. Yeah. You ever seen a little show called Home Improvement?

139. One of the sons!

140. So, how much do you make?

141. 35K.

142. No way! That's amazing.

143. Can I stay at your place?

144. Okay.

145. - Breathe, breathe.

146. Breathe, you're doing good.

147. You're doing good.

148. - Now push, push.

149. That's good.

150. Keep pushing, keep pushing.

151. Push, push, push, push.

152. Stop pooping!

153. I'm sorry.

154. Push with the other hole.

155. Okay!

156. Okay. Okay. Okay. Good. Good, good, good.

157. I can see the head.

158. I can see the head.

159. - You can? - Yeah.

160. I got him. I got him. I got him.

161. What happened?

162. I lost him.

163. What?

164. He's crawling back up.

165. We got a runner.

166. A runner?

167. We got a runner!

168. Okay. Stay calm. Stay calm.

169. We're gonna get that baby out of there.

170. Alright,

171. I'm going in.

172. Ah. Oh!

173. Hold on.

174. There we go. I got him.

175. I got him. I got him. I got him. I—

176. I lost him.

177. Son-of-a-bitch baby.

178. Nothing ever changes.

179. Oh.

180. - Oh! Shh. Shh. Shh.

181. He's on the move.

182. Okay. Alright.

183. Alright. Be cool.

184. Everybody be cool.

185. We can take him out from here.

186. Alright, now just say, "ah."

187. He's onto us.

188. - Where is he? - Shh.

189. Oh, he's on the move.

190. I got him.

191. - Oh! - Ah, ah.

192. He's going out the bottom.

193. He's going out the bottom.

194. Oh, he's in the leg.

195. He's in the leg.

196. Nurse, surgical axe.

197. Oh, God!

198. Ah, my leg!

199. - Congratulations, miss.

200. It's a girl.

201. So that's when they had to attach it to my leg.

202. That never happened.

203. We don't have kids.

204. Ka-ruff!

205. It's like a menopausal thing or something.

206. She's losing her mind.

207. La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

208. La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

209. - La, la, la, la, la, la, la... - I'm getting a divorce.

210. La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

211. La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

212. La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

213. I'm stuck.

214. Santa's stuck.

215. Stuck in this chimney.

216. Looks like it'll take a few minutes to get unstuck.

217. Nobody better do anything while I'm stuck in here

218. in this chimney.

219. Pretty powerless.

220. Pretty vulnerable.

221. None of you kids do anything naughty.

222. Nobody do anything to old Santa Claus

223. while he's all helpless.

224. Oh, if anyone decided to do something to Santa Claus,

225. he wouldn't be able to do anything to stop him.

226. None of you kids get any ideas.

227. Oh, boy.

228. Oh, someone got a bad idea.

229. It'd be a jolly old time for old Saint Nick.

230. Still fucking out there.

231. What does he want?

232. Did you call the police?

233. - Yeah, like two hours ago.

234. Uh, hey there.

235. What do you want?

236. Well, that is not happening, buster.

237. Yes, he will.

238. Could we put him in another fucking cell please?

239. - Oh, my God.

240. What are you?

241. I told you no!

242. Oh, hell no!

243. What did we learn here today?

244. Seems to be the problem?

245. Well, doc, my mouth is stuck open.

246. No, it's not.

247. Yeah, it is.

248. Been stuck open for three whole weeks.

249. I can't get it shut for the life of me.

250. You're speaking to me right now.

251. What's your point?

252. Well, to speak, you have to control your jaw muscles.

253. You can do that, so clearly you can close your mouth.

254. Uh-uh. My mouth actually never shuts when I'm speaking.

255. It may look like it to the naked eye,

256. but if you look really closely, it never actually shuts.

257. Go on, doc. Take a peek.

258. Yeah, I'm not gonna take a peek.

259. Go ahead, check it out.

260. No.

261. Come on. Hold my tongue down, and take a look for yourself.

262. Looks okay to me—

263. Ah!

264. Ah!

265. Now, stop having sex with my wife!

266. Jesus!

267. You're gonna rip your dick off.

268. What? What?

269. If you stick your dick in this vacuum cleaner

270. and turn it on, you're gonna rip your dick off.

271. Why would I do that?

272. I don't know, sir,

273. because it's not gonna feel like a blow job.

274. How would you know? And I mean...

275. I'm not going to.

276. Good.

277. Because if you did,

278. you would rip your dick off.

279. So are there like multiple power settings on this?

280. Yeah. Yeah. There's high and there's low.

281. And both of those will rip your dick off.

282. What? That's such a weird way

283. to describe the power settings on a vacuum.

284. I mean, is there like another vacuum?

285. - That won't rip your dick off?

286. I'm just trying to clean

287. - my apartment, man. - It's this one right here.

288. This is a vacuum cleaner

289. that sucks dicks really well.

290. I don't know what your deal is, man.

291. But I just have a messy apartment

292. and you're being a real weirdo.

293. Oh, hell no.

294. I need this. My apartment's dirty.

295. - Mm-hm.

296. 1,400 dollars?

297. Watch, this motherfucker still gonna buy it.

298. This is ridiculous.

299. Nasty-ass vacuum-fuckers. Here.

300. Daddy.

301. I see some kids from school. Come on.

302. Okay, just cool it.

303. Quit pulling.

304. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

305. And welcome to the Barf Museum.

306. Woop. Uh-oh, I'm not feeling very good.

307. - Woo. - Not— not me. Just the kid.

308. You're awesome!

309. Daddy, I wanna go on the vomit slide.

310. Can I go on the vomit slide?

311. Yeah, go. Just, stay on your leash.

312. I know that look.

313. Yeah.

314. What is this a birthday party?

315. Yeah, birthday party.

316. I've been to three birthdays

317. and two bar mitzvahs here in the last month alone.

318. God.

319. Philip, get off the slide.

320. Philip!

321. Whoa!

322. How do you do it, man?

323. My kid here is a little bit hyperactive.

324. So I got him a prescription of Adderall.

325. And before we go out,

326. I'll take a couple of those.

327. Four score and seven years ago—

328. No, no, no, no. I'm just here for my kid.

329. How come you're dressed like Lincoln?

330. Oh this, it's just so schools

331. can send their kids here on field trips.

332. Hey, my kid's flunking social studies.

333. You wanna go puke on him?

334. He's lying on the ground over there by the chunky bars.

335. - You wanna hit the parent pen?

336. - Sure. - Come on.

337. I mean I used to have friends,

338. I had hobbies.

339. I was interesting.

340. Ya know?

341. Now...

342. I spend all my time chauffeuring them around

343. to 3-D movies.

344. Yeah, man, kids blow.

345. It's like, I don't...

346. I don't know how my life became,

347. you know, this.

348. You know what?

349. Screw that.

350. I mean, why did they get to do everything they want

351. and we follow them around

352. like we're their servants or something?

353. Yeah.

354. I don't need to watch your stupid Japanese cartoon show.

355. I'm the grownup.

356. Yeah.

357. I don't need to help you with your homework.

358. I already graduated.

359. Well, actually, I think that one is a little...

360. You know what we should do?

361. We should leave them here,

362. then go out, you and I,

363. and tear stuff up.

364. What?

365. - Look!

366. They love it here.

367. They can't get enough of the place.

368. Let's go out, do what we wanna do

369. and come back at the end of the day and pick 'em up.

370. Well, we can't, we can't just leave them here.

371. I mean we gotta, we gotta watch 'em.

372. Why? All the utensils here are plastic. We're good.

373. No, I mean like what if somebody...

374. what if somebody takes one of them?

375. Who's gonna want to take that?

376. Well, the people that generally take kids are...

377. you know, child molesters.

378. Dude, covered.

379. AIDS.

380. Okay. And we are golden.

381. Alright, kids, here's 20 bucks.

382. We'll see you at nine.

383. Alright.

384. - Oh!

385. Kids!

386. Hey, kids.

387. Wait a minute. What?

388. Where did you get AIDS?

389. No, no, no, no, you did that, man.

390. I did not.

391. No, no, no, no.

392. You wrote it on them, man.

393. Oh, yeah.

394. Good job, kids.

395. - Oh. - Hey, man.

396. Oh.

397. You puked on my kid.

398. That's all right, man. You can puke on my kid.

399. These kids love puke.

400. Oh, man. I don't even know if I can puke.

401. Holy shit!