The Whitest Kids U' Know 4x10

1. And then the witch blew away and died. The end.

2. Why, hello Jacob. Happy Halloween.

3. I see we're dressed up like a little pirate this morning.

4. That's right.

5. Now all you fucking butt-fuckers

6. - better clean my deck.

7. Jacob, go to the principal's office!

8. What the fuck for? You fucking bitch.

9. You do not talk like that in school.

10. I'm a fucking pirate.

11. Go to the principal.

12. Shit.

13. Good morning, Brian. Happy Halloween, partner.

14. What brings you to town?

15. Well, I've been out on the range for a fortnight,

16. and I thought I would stop into town

17. to buy some pussy and feed my horse.

18. Ryan, we do not use that kind of language.

19. I'm a goddamn cowboy

20. and I'll talk any fucking way I please.

21. Now you better watch out

22. before I fuck you up your fat fucking ass.

23. Go to the principal's office, Brian.

24. Suck my dick.

25. Are you drinking? Go now.

26. I'm a fucking cowboy.

27. Go!

28. Shit!

29. Hello, Taylor.

30. Now before you say anything,

31. I want you to know that just because it's Halloween,

32. does not mean that you're allowed

33. to curse or swear no matter what your costume is.

34. Okay.

35. Now. That's a very nice outfit you have on.

36. Thanks.

37. Taylor! Go to the principal.

38. What? I'm a clown!

39. Hey. You're the new guy.

40. Yeah.

41. Excited about your first day?

42. Not really. I just needed to find a job,

43. but the market's crap right now.

44. So, ended up working here.

45. Ah, it's not so bad. It's a good, honest living.

46. Go home at the end of the day

47. feeling like you did something good.

48. It's a landmine factory.

49. What are you, a vegetarian?

50. No.

51. All right. I'll walk you through it.

52. Here's what you do. You pull the chain here,

53. landmine comes down the conveyor belt.

54. All you gotta do is you place the charge,

55. arm the detonator and pull the hammer down.

56. That's it.

57. Just make sure that bad boy doesn't fly back up

58. because... whoa, daddy!

59. Alright. Okay. I gotta go finish taking a leak.

60. You gimme a holler if you need anything.

61. Okay.

62. Place the charge.

63. Arm the detonator.

64. And... pull the hammer down.

65. Ohh!

66. Place the charge.

67. Arm the detonator.

68. Pull the hammer down.

69. Oh, God!

70. Place the charge.

71. Arm the detonator.

72. Put the hammer down.

73. Oh, God!

74. Hey, how's it going in here?

75. Look. Not good.

76. I don't think I'm cut out for this.

77. Ah. No, no, no, no.

78. This is the easiest thing in the world.

79. Here, go ahead. We'll walk with...

80. I'll do one together with you here.

81. Pull the chain.

82. Alright, I'll talk you through it.

83. Place that charge.

84. Very nice. Now attach that detonator.

85. There you go.

86. Put the hammer down and...

87. Yeah, that was good.

88. Alright, one more time.

89. Just go ahead and place that charge.

90. There you go.

91. Arm that detonator.

92. And push that hammer right down and...

93. - Oh, God! - Oh, my God!

94. Yeah, it's good. One more.

95. No... this isn't worth it.

96. I gotta go. I can't work here.

97. What is the problem?

98. It's just... it's dangerous here.

99. How is this dangerous?

100. This is a landmine factory.

101. One of these things goes off, you blow your arms off.

102. Oh, like I did, right?

103. Well...

104. Yeah.

105. 'Cause I work in a landmine factory and I have no arms.

106. Surely I must have blown them off?

107. Didn't you?

108. - Polio. I had polio. - Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't—

109. Oh, no, no, of course.

110. Because I work in the landmine factory and I have no arms,

111. then surely I must be no good at my job.

112. - No, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no...

113. Oh, you didn't think I could have polio

114. because only hillbillies and child molesters get polio.

115. - That's what you thought, right? - That that's not...

116. Do you know how much bull poop

117. I have to put up with from people like you,

118. that look at me and they think, "oh, guy with no arms,

119. guy works in a landmine factory,"

120. this guy's gotta be..." no!

121. And I...

122. Scratch my nose.

123. What?

124. Scratch my nose, please.

125. No.

126. I got no arms. Give me a scratch please.

127. Thank you.

128. Get your hands off me, you bigot!

129. Do you know how miserable it is for me

130. to go through life like this?

131. Do you know how unhappy I am?

132. Do you know how hard it is to hang yourself with your feet?

133. Hard?

134. It's near flipping impossible.

135. Oh, I know what you're thinking. So I try something else, right?

136. Okay. Maybe I'll slit my wrist.

137. Ha! No wrist!

138. And then I read a book and I find out,

139. oh, the wrist is, like, the only part

140. of the body you can die from.

141. The wrist is like the Achilles heel of the body.

142. Okay, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you.

143. Let's just drop this and move on.

144. Oh yeah, I'll drop it with my no arms!

145. You insensitive piece of poop.

146. Okay. You know what?

147. You're really weird and mean.

148. I'm just gonna leave.

149. Oh yeah, just leave. Just leave.

150. Hey, hey!

151. Hey, get the sesame seed outta my teeth please.

152. No.

153. I got a sesame seed and I can't get it.

154. I got no arms, for Christ's sake.

155. Help me out. Right in the middle.

156. Get outta my mouth, you racist!

157. Don't come back here, you're fired!

158. Well, Your Holiness.

159. This is the last stop on the tour.

160. These quarters are yours as the new pope.

161. And, you can take down any of these posters

162. and replace them with whatever you want.

163. Thank you, chaplain.

164. Okay. Greetings, new pope.

165. I am the old pope, but you probably know that already.

166. Now, if you're watching this, I'm probably totally dead,

167. which sucks, but I'm sure they made a big deal out of it

168. because I was the pope.

169. Oh, by the way, congratulations on being the new me!

170. Okay, so here's a few things you're gonna need

171. to know if you're gonna be the pope.

172. Which you are. Okay.

173. Number one:

174. God is real.

175. He's a giant alien with three eyes

176. that lives in the center of the earth.

177. Now angels? Okay.

178. Angels are like super, super fragile.

179. And if one gets hit by a plane or something,

180. God gets like totally pissed.

181. And every time an angel dies, God kills a million people.

182. So watch out.

183. Oh, the remote.

184. Okay, so you gotta hit TV

185. and then you hit the power button to turn it on,

186. and then you hit cable to change through the channels, okay?

187. And then if you wanna watch a DVD or something,

188. you hit aux.

189. Oh, by the way, as pope,

190. you get a lifetime supply of root beer.

191. But, a lifetime supply of root beer is not the same thing

192. as an unlimited supply of root beer.

193. Supposedly, a lifetime supply

194. of root beer is two root beers a day.

195. What? How is that a lifetime supply?

196. Who decided that?

197. And here's the really messed up thing, man.

198. A month has 30 days, right?

199. And you get two free root beers a day.

200. So, in a given month, if you only drink 55 root beers,

201. the other five root beers don't

202. carry over to the next month.

203. They're just gone.

204. What are they afraid I'm gonna do?

205. Do they think I'm gonna, like, drink

206. a thousand root beers a day?

207. I mean, I couldn't even do that if I tried, probably.

208. I mean, hello?

209. Geez, man. Okay, here's my day, right?

210. I have a root beer when I wake up,

211. I have a root beer for breakfast.

212. Then after that, I have to go upstairs and use the machine.

213. Do you know how embarrassing that is?

214. They have tour groups up there.

215. Then I have to go up

216. and down the line of visitors being like,

217. "bless you, my son," yada, yada, yada.

218. "May I please have a nickel?"

219. I mean, I look like a real jerk, man.

220. And they bring in a case of the generic stuff

221. and I'm like, that's not what I drink.

222. I think that about wraps it up, man.

223. I've covered everything.

224. So have fun being pope.

225. Have a long and fruitful papacy

226. and I'll see you in the afterlife, okay?

227. Don't touch my posters, by the way.

228. Thanks. Later.

229. Root beer, Your Holiness?

230. Okay, I'd like to begin our weekly meeting

231. of Animal Lovers Anonymous.

232. Hi, my name is Brian and I am a zoophile.

233. But I'm proud to say that with the help of this group,

234. I have been animal sex-free for over a year.

235. And...

236. Thank you.

237. First off, I'd like to just go ahead and open up the floor,

238. so if anyone has anything they'd like to share with us,

239. be my guest.

240. Did anybody have anything eventful happen to them

241. this week?

242. Any slip ups?

243. Anyone at all?

244. Derek?

245. Me?

246. Yeah, Derek,

247. anything you wanna talk about from this past week?

248. Nothing comes to mind.

249. Well, that's funny 'cause I happened

250. to read your blog this weekend.

251. You read my blog?

252. Yeah. Cumbarn.blogstop.com.

253. Yeah, I read that. Pretty interesting stuff.

254. Well, that's just a creative outlet.

255. Mr. Morris?

256. Thanks for seeing me.

257. Sorry I'm late.

258. Don't worry about it.

259. So you are applying for the job as...

260. Research analyst.

261. Okay.

262. Do you happen to have a copy of your resume on you?

263. I'm sorry, I thought I emailed you a copy.

264. That's all right.

265. Although, you might wanna bring a copy of your resume

266. with you in the future.

267. Well, I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't

268. be going on any job interviews in the future.

269. You know what I mean?

270. Well, it's always good to know these things.

271. Did you or did you not graduate from this school?

272. That one...

273. Did not...

274. Technically.

275. Because you only have two semesters on here,

276. but you still filled out that you received

277. a bachelor's in finance.

278. That's what I was going for, so...

279. In the future, you shouldn't write down

280. that you have a bachelor's in finance

281. when you actually don't.

282. Well, Trevor's interview is underway,

283. and I think we've all noticed some mistakes that he's made,

284. and I'm pretty sure that his potential employer

285. has noticed them as well.

286. Let's take a look at some of them now.

287. First of all, Trevor's shown up

288. for this interview unprepared, hasn't he?

289. It's always important to bring a hard copy of your resume,

290. even if you've already sent one through email in advance.

291. It shows that you're serious about the job

292. and that you're prepared.

293. Secondly, it's never good to make jokes

294. about already getting the job.

295. It's too assuming and it makes conversation awkward.

296. Thirdly, I think it's important to maintain eye contact

297. and to keep your answers short and to the point.

298. You got that, Trevor?

299. Thanks, man inside my head.

300. Now, let's see if Trevor can dig himself

301. out of this little hole that he's created.

302. Look, I'm sorry, I lied on my resume.

303. I just really wanted to impress you.

304. And the fact that I was willing to lie

305. to get this job could be a huge asset to this company.

306. I mean, instead of lying to you,

307. I could be lying...

308. For you.

309. Okay.

310. You know, you have really good eye contact.

311. I'm gonna write that down.

312. You know, that sort of makes up for the whole

313. lying on the resume thing.

314. Alright, Mr. Morris,

315. what experience do you have in finance?

316. I worked for three years in the finance department

317. at the bank company.

318. International.

319. Store.

320. Business Corporation.

321. Oh, B-C-I-S-B-C.

322. Oh, do you know Jeff Chrysler?

323. Yeah, he died.

324. Oh, my God.

325. We started at the same branch together.

326. We were like brothers.

327. Phyllis, please send over a bouquet of flowers

328. to Jeff's wife.

329. Jeff Chrysler is your three o'clock.

330. Well, Trevor dug himself outta that hole,

331. and then he picked up a big old shovel that we call "liar."

332. It's never good to lie in an interview.

333. One lie leads to another, things compound themselves,

334. and soon they get rapidly out of hand.

335. I think Trevor would do well to go through his tool shed

336. of truth and find the cutting shears of honesty

337. to free himself from this tangled web.

338. Instead of focusing on untruths and falsehoods,

339. Trevor might do well to focus on

340. what he can bring to the company.

341. Let's see where that approach takes him.

342. I'll give you 20 dollars to gimme the job.

343. Well, that was another tactic.

344. Trevor's tried to convince his employer

345. to overlook the boldfaced lying

346. and the unpreparedness he's committed

347. in the past two minutes by offering him a 20-dollar bill.

348. Maybe instead of,

349. Trevor should, I don't know,

350. maybe not do the first thing that pops into his head.

351. Let's see what happens when Trevor thinks about his actions.

352. Psych!

353. Just kidding.

354. Yeah.

355. I have a crazy idea.

356. How about I call Jeff in here

357. and we'll just straighten this whole thing out.

358. All right?

359. Yeah. Crazy.

360. Phyllis, send in my three o'clock, please.

361. Hey, Jeff,

362. do you remember Trevor from B-C-I-S-B-C?

363. Sorry, I don't recall ever meeting him.

364. Really? Because he seems to think that...

365. He was a zombie, man.

366. He came here to eat your brains.

367. I tried to tell you.

368. Oh, my God!

369. You saved my life.

370. Welcome aboard, Mr. Morris. You start Monday.

371. Thank you, sir.

372. I am at a loss.

373. Trevor seems to have gotten the job, anyway.

374. I don't know why I'm here.

375. You're here 'cause of all that acid I took.

376. What? You're a character.

377. Wait, don't go in there, yet.

378. Take out your rocket launcher.

379. No, that's your knife, dude.

380. Rocket launcher!

381. - What? - Where'd you get a squirt gun?

382. - No.

383. Dude, what the hell?

384. - Dude, please. - Ha!

385. Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

386. - Oh, you had it.

387. Now he has to cycle all the way through.

388. This sucks. Should we leave?

389. I don't know. We're really far.

390. Oh, my God.

391. - Fuck this.

392. Why do you have all this stuff, man?

393. Wait, that'll work.

394. Why would you need that?

395. This game sucks.

396. Finally.

397. Alright, now just go to the damn rocket launcher.

398. Stop!

399. Whoa.

400. Hello.

401. Go back to the flowers!

402. Go back to the flowers!

403. This game is weird.

404. Hi. We're The Whitest Kids

405. and we've been doing this show for four years now.

406. That's 28 years in dog years.

407. Sam, whatever.

408. Ron, can you tighten up a bit?

409. The reason we wanted to talk to you today

410. is because there's a handful of sketches

411. that we've wanted to do

412. since the very beginning of the show,

413. but we've just never quite had the budget to do 'em.

414. Yeah. Making a television show is pretty expensive.

415. Even one as shitty-looking as ours.

416. That's where you come into play.

417. You can help us achieve our wishes.

418. Timmy.

419. Can you tighten up a little more?

420. If you have any of the following items

421. and would like to donate them, please contact us,

422. because we feel we could put them to good use.

423. Here's what we need:

424. A book on ending sketches.

425. Or even a pamphlet on ending sketches, really.

426. Just anything that would help us out

427. in the ending-sketches department.

428. I mean, is now a good time to end the sketch?

429. What about now?

430. Right here seems good to me.

431. But I don't know.

432. I think right here will do just fine.

433. No, that didn't seem right.

434. When I just said that didn't seem right,

435. that actually seemed like a good place to end it,

436. but it seemed weird to end it saying that.

437. Ah, crap.

438. Holy shit.

439. That's original.