1. Hey, Dave.Copy !req
2. - Bill.Copy !req
3. I hope that's a clean wet.Copy !req
4. Don't worry. It's clean.Copy !req
5. Okay, good. Hey. Okay. Alright.Copy !req
6. - I hope that's chocolate.
It's chocolate.Copy !req
7. Hi. I'm Clint Webb
and I'm running for Senate.Copy !req
8. I have a short-cropped haircut,Copy !req
9. a pretty-enough yet
accessible-looking wife,Copy !req
10. and a newborn baby that
I've dressed in a suitCopy !req
11. to prove to you that
I mean business.Copy !req
12. For the last 15 years, I've
lived my life in such a bland,Copy !req
13. uncontroversial,
and repressed mannerCopy !req
14. that it's almost unnatural.
Why?Copy !req
15. Because I've been preparingCopy !req
16. to be your representative
since I was a child.Copy !req
17. Most well-adjusted, sane men
would be hesitant to take a jobCopy !req
18. where their decisions would
so drastically affectCopy !req
19. the lives of so many,
but not me.Copy !req
20. I possess a sort of
sociopathic narcissismCopy !req
21. that makes me think that I
should be in charge of everyone.Copy !req
22. But all of that needs to
start here at homeCopy !req
23. in this beautiful state
that I've grown to loveCopy !req
24. since I moved here
18 months ago.Copy !req
25. Together we can piggyback
some of our state'sCopy !req
26. legitimate needs onto
my unquenchable lustCopy !req
27. for self-glorification.Copy !req
28. And that's a promise.Copy !req
29. Here's an unflattering picture
of my opponent.Copy !req
30. Here's a quote of his
taken out of context.Copy !req
31. Oh, and one more thing.Copy !req
32. I have a dog.Copy !req
33. I enlisted in the military
for the minimum amountCopy !req
34. of time in a position that would
never see combat.Copy !req
35. Why? Well, because it would
help me be your senator.Copy !req
36. I don't make friends.
I make acquaintances.Copy !req
37. All of my motives are ulterior.Copy !req
38. I'm self-involved to
the point of psychosis.Copy !req
39. My soul is terrifying.Copy !req
40. And that's leadership.Copy !req
41. So this November,
let's send Washington a message.Copy !req
42. And what is that message?Copy !req
43. "Hey, Me."Copy !req
44. Hey, everyone. I'm Darren.
We just want to go aheadCopy !req
45. and apologize for
this next segment.Copy !req
46. See, the network has asked usCopy !req
47. to expand from our current
fan baseCopy !req
48. to those who might just be
flipping past the show.Copy !req
49. So this next segment
is simply an attemptCopy !req
50. to grab all those
channel-surfers out there.Copy !req
51. So, please, just bear with us.Copy !req
52. You wanna see?
You wanna see, don't you?Copy !req
53. Oh, you're going to.
I'm going to show you.Copy !req
54. I'm gonna show you what
I replaced them withCopy !req
55. because of you.Copy !req
56. Get ready 'cause here they come.
Here they come.Copy !req
57. You're gonna see 'em.
Oh, baby, you're gonna see 'em.Copy !req
58. Oh, I've been dying to show
you these.Copy !req
59. Oh, you're gonna see all of it
in a second.Copy !req
60. I've run the numbers. And if
these readings are correct,Copy !req
61. that means she's replaced her
breasts with— my God.Copy !req
62. That can't be.Copy !req
63. Ah, I'm about to rip
these puppies out.Copy !req
64. Get ready for what's under
my shirt.Copy !req
65. Oh!Copy !req
66. I really hope you're happy.Copy !req
67. 'Cause these are the weirdest
things you ever seen.Copy !req
68. If we don't stop this,
then that would meanCopy !req
69. that the whole world will—
my God.Copy !req
70. Oh this is what you get.
This is what you get.Copy !req
71. Live from New York, it's
Saturday night!Copy !req
72. It's Saturday Night Live,Copy !req
73. starring Andy Samberg,Copy !req
74. Adam Sandler,Copy !req
75. Sandy Amberg,Copy !req
76. Angie Sanders,Copy !req
77. Ambly Andberg,Copy !req
78. Bergly Sanders,Copy !req
79. Sandy Sandbirds,Copy !req
80. Colonel Sanders,Copy !req
81. - Sal Amanders.Copy !req
82. That's all we needed.
Now you're stuckCopy !req
83. watching our stupid show.Copy !req
84. I can't believe we ate the dead
five days ago.Copy !req
85. You know what movie this is
like, this is like that—Copy !req
86. Yes.Copy !req
87. Guys, I'm feeling pretty weak
right now.Copy !req
88. I don't know much longer
I can make it.Copy !req
89. If we don't get some
new food soon,Copy !req
90. we're not gonna have
the strengthCopy !req
91. to make it through
another night.Copy !req
92. Oh, my God.Copy !req
93. Only now at the end,Copy !req
94. do I realize what John Lennon
was talking about.Copy !req
95. Whatever gets you through
the night is food.Copy !req
96. Food is all right. John Lennon
was singing about foodCopy !req
97. - this whole time.
- You're going delirious, man.Copy !req
98. Well, guys, you know, we're not
completely out of food.Copy !req
99. Timmy. No.Copy !req
100. There's still one part
of those bodiesCopy !req
101. - that we haven't eaten.
- I saw this coming, man.Copy !req
102. Timmy, be quiet.Copy !req
103. I mean,
there's 18 bodies over there,Copy !req
104. so that means that there's 18—Copy !req
105. - Timmy, stop it.
- Dicks.Copy !req
106. - We could eat their dicks.
- I saw this coming, man.Copy !req
107. Timmy, we can't eat dicks.
We're not girls.Copy !req
108. Well, what's the worst thing
that could happen?Copy !req
109. I mean, Sam ate one
and that was alreadyCopy !req
110. like three days ago,
and he seems okay.Copy !req
111. I wonder how bad they were.Copy !req
112. Hey, Sam. Sam. Hey, Sam.Copy !req
113. What? Sorry, just thinking
about something.Copy !req
114. What were you thinking about?Copy !req
115. Nothing.Copy !req
116. Well, the dick.Copy !req
117. I was thinking about
that dick I ate.Copy !req
118. Is that why you're sitting
way over there?Copy !req
119. No. You guys made me sit over
here. Remember?Copy !req
120. Oh, right,
because you ate that dick.Copy !req
121. Yeah, right.Copy !req
122. Hey, Sam, just outta curiosity,
how was that dick anyways?Copy !req
123. What?Copy !req
124. Well, I mean, it just tastedCopy !req
125. like any other part of the body, right?Copy !req
126. No.Copy !req
127. Tasted like...Copy !req
128. fuck you.Copy !req
129. Well, did it taste bad?Copy !req
130. You only saw me eat one of them, right?Copy !req
131. There's 17 more of 'em over
there. Help yourselves, fellas.Copy !req
132. - I saw this coming, man.
- I'm not eating any dicks.Copy !req
133. Yeah, I think I'm just gonna
give it another nightCopy !req
134. and see how that rescue's
coming along.Copy !req
135. Hold on. We see you.
We're coming to you right now!Copy !req
136. Hold on. We're almost there.
Oh, we finally found you.Copy !req
137. Oh, God. We're too late.Copy !req
138. Yep. Looks like they passed
in the night.Copy !req
139. - Oh!
- Starved to death, I'd say.Copy !req
140. But why? There's 17 perfectly
good dicks right over there.Copy !req
141. Why didn't they just eat
the dicks to survive?Copy !req
142. Well, I mean, probably 'cause
who would wanna, you know?Copy !req
143. Oh, cursed homophobia.
Responsible for more needlessCopy !req
144. loss of life.Copy !req
145. Why?
Why in the 21st centuryCopy !req
146. can't we get past our
petty bigotriesCopy !req
147. and realize that
we're all the same?Copy !req
148. I curse you homophobia!
I curse you!Copy !req
149. - Uh, sir. We got a problem.
- What is it, Dario?Copy !req
150. I just realized the snowmobile
over there is outta gas,Copy !req
151. and I think we're stuck here.Copy !req
152. - Oh, no.
- Yeah.Copy !req
153. And to make things worse,
I think I left the sandwichesCopy !req
154. back at the cabin.Copy !req
155. - Oh, my.
- Yeah.Copy !req
156. Want me to go ahead and start
frying up some of these dicks?Copy !req
157. Oh, no...Copy !req
158. no, no need
to do that just yet.Copy !req
159. I, uh...Copy !req
160. Oh, wait. There's something
I forgot to do. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
161. Or some of these five other
perfectly whole bodiesCopy !req
162. we have here.
I was kind of making a jokeCopy !req
163. about the whole dick thing.Copy !req
164. Oh, boy.Copy !req
165. Dr. Lewis.
How's it going today?Copy !req
166. - I've been better.
- Why? What's wrong?Copy !req
167. You get one of those patientsCopy !req
168. that you're really rooting forCopy !req
169. and then things just kind of
go south?Copy !req
170. Worst part of the job, man.Copy !req
171. I got this kid, right,
eight years old.Copy !req
172. I've been his pediatrician
since day one.Copy !req
173. And you know,
he's a tough kid.Copy !req
174. He gets leukemia at age four.
He fights through it.Copy !req
175. He bounces back.
Tough kid. Right?Copy !req
176. Then last year,
he gets a lung infection.Copy !req
177. They gotta go in, operate.
While they're doing it,Copy !req
178. he needs a blood transfusion.
They give it to him.Copy !req
179. Turns out the batch is
contaminated.Copy !req
180. I just find out today
this kid's got AIDS.Copy !req
181. He's got children's AIDS?Copy !req
182. No, he's got like,
he's got regular grownup—Copy !req
183. He's got AIDS-AIDS.
He's got AIDS.Copy !req
184. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
185. Anyway,
so I have to walk in there,Copy !req
186. look him in the eye, look at
his parents and tell him this.Copy !req
187. I don't know if I can do this.Copy !req
188. - Well, call Dr. Kyle.
- Dr. Kyle?Copy !req
189. Kyle don't give a fuck.Copy !req
190. - Really?
- Dr. Kyle!Copy !req
191. Yeah, Dr. Kyle will tell
your kid he's got AIDS.Copy !req
192. He does that kind of shit
all the time. He don't care.Copy !req
193. - Oh.
- Yeah, what?Copy !req
194. Yeah. Lewis has got a kid
in there with AIDS,Copy !req
195. and he don't wanna tell him.Copy !req
196. Oh, I'll tell him.
Where is he?Copy !req
197. - He's in 2B.
- Well, hey, uh, hey. Haha. Um...Copy !req
198. How are you gonna break it
to him?Copy !req
199. What do you mean break it
to him?Copy !req
200. I mean,
how are you gonna tell him?Copy !req
201. I'm just gonna go in and say,Copy !req
202. "you got AIDS, kid,"
then bounce.Copy !req
203. Excuse me. Excuse me.
You know, that's gonna be...Copy !req
204. it's gonna be devastating to
that kid and his family.Copy !req
205. - Yeah, AIDS sucks.
- Okay. Right.Copy !req
206. But I mean, do you think
maybe there's a wayCopy !req
207. we could soften the blow
for him?Copy !req
208. - Okay.
- Yeah?Copy !req
209. - I gotcha.
- What are you gonna...Copy !req
210. Hey. Tough break, kid.
You got AIDS.Copy !req
211. Here's a peppermint.Copy !req
212. You talking to me?
Were you talking to me?Copy !req
213. I don't see anyone else here.Copy !req
214. Question you gotta ask yourself
is, do I feel lucky?Copy !req
215. Well, pony, do you?Copy !req
216. Daddy, just do it.Copy !req
217. I am doing it, Lindsay.Copy !req
218. Look, I don't want to have toCopy !req
219. put down Clover any more
than you do,Copy !req
220. but the doctor says that
we have to do it.Copy !req
221. Okay? Just trying to have
some fun with this.Copy !req
222. Can I just go inside?Copy !req
223. No, you can't go inside.Copy !req
224. I need you to make
the terminator sound.Copy !req
225. Bumbum bumbum.Copy !req
226. Come on, put some oomph in it,
Lindsay.Copy !req
227. - Bumbum bumbum bumbum.Copy !req
228. Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,Copy !req
229. prepare yourselves for
the star of our show.Copy !req
230. Straight from the wilds
of Russia.Copy !req
231. The beast that knows no fear.Copy !req
232. The monster who will astound youCopy !req
233. with his death-defying stunts.Copy !req
234. Barney,
the motorcycle-riding bear!Copy !req
235. Say, Bill, how much gas
was in that tank?Copy !req
236. I don't know.
Barney filled it up himself.Copy !req
237. Oh, boy.Copy !req
238. We better call Mr. Barnum.Copy !req
239. I can't. Barney borrowed my
phone right before he went on.Copy !req
240. Oh, son of a bitch.Copy !req
241. Oh, everyone does love Raymond.Copy !req
242. - Oh, shit!Copy !req
243. - Ah!Copy !req
244. You were a worthy opponent,
Barney.Copy !req
245. - I respect you.Copy !req
246. You can talk?Copy !req
247. I only learned these
two phrases.Copy !req
248. Can I get a doctor here, please?
Hello?Copy !req
249. People, I need a doctor now!Copy !req
250. Well, I'm a doctor.
What seems to be the problem?Copy !req
251. Holy moly!
What happened here?Copy !req
252. This guy rode his bike
up my ass!Copy !req
253. Well, this guy walked right out
in front of me!Copy !req
254. Into a crosswalk!Copy !req
255. A crosswalk that is in
the middle of a 50K!Copy !req
256. A crosswalk is a crosswalk!Copy !req
257. And I don't know what a 50K is.
I'm a businessman!Copy !req
258. A businessman who's late to his
quarterly shareholders' meeting!Copy !req
259. Well, I don't know what
a quarterlyCopy !req
260. shareholders' meeting is
because I'm a bicycle guy!Copy !req
261. A bicycle guy that's losing
the 50K.Copy !req
262. Do you mean a 401K?
'Cause I know what that is!Copy !req
263. A 50K sounds like crazy talk!Copy !req
264. Why would anybody wanna
ride 401K?Copy !req
265. Guys, guys, guys, I am a doctor.Copy !req
266. I don't understand what either
of you two are talking about.Copy !req
267. Now, did any of you come in here
to buy tongue depressors?Copy !req
268. - ... what a tongue depressor is!
- I'm a business man!Copy !req
269. Hey, where's the front wheel
and the handlebars?Copy !req
270. Oh, it's in there.Copy !req
271. Geez.
Everybody's so testy today.Copy !req
272. Alright, I'll take 20 tongue
depressors. They seem great.Copy !req
273. Cha-ching.Copy !req
274. Okay, we heard there was
a disturbance here.Copy !req
275. What's going on?Copy !req
276. - This guy walked
- This guy rode his bikeCopy !req
277. - right into me!
- right up my ass!Copy !req
278. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What the fuckCopy !req
279. - Let's take it down a notch!
- is a bicycle?Copy !req
280. Okay, if none of you guys
are in hereCopy !req
281. to buy tongue depressors,
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to askCopy !req
282. everyone to get out of
the doctor building.Copy !req
283. Okay. That's enough of that.Copy !req
284. I don't know anything about
bicycles or tongue depressors.Copy !req
285. I'm a police guy and yous twos,
you're under arrest.Copy !req
286. Oh!Copy !req
287. I don't know what either of you
two are talking about.Copy !req
288. I'm a judge, for God's sakes.Copy !req
289. I'm with you, Your Honor.
I'm just a lawyer.Copy !req
290. Jury,
are you getting any of this?Copy !req
291. I'm just a mom.Copy !req
292. I'm a businessman,
and I agree with that guy.Copy !req
293. This is so unfair, Your Honor.Copy !req
294. There's not one single
bicycle guy on this jury.Copy !req
295. Okay. I've had enough.Copy !req
296. You go to jail, you don't.Copy !req
297. Case closed.Copy !req
298. Now, who wants to buy
some evidence?Copy !req
299. Hey, guys, it's a weeknight.
You know what that means?Copy !req
300. Strip club.Copy !req
301. Yeah. Where are we going?Copy !req
302. Lace?Copy !req
303. Oh, that place burned down.Copy !req
304. Girls, Girls, Girls?Copy !req
305. No, that place got busted.Copy !req
306. - Why?
- Too many girls.Copy !req
307. We could go to Barely Illegal.Copy !req
308. No. Everyone there got
arrested, too.Copy !req
309. - Really?
- Yeah. Just barely.Copy !req
310. - Tittapotamus.
- What? Ugh.Copy !req
311. I've never heard of
Tittapotamus.Copy !req
312. I don't think I want to goCopy !req
313. to a strip club called
Tittapotamus.Copy !req
314. Come on. It's not like
it's only hippopotamuses.Copy !req
315. What?Copy !req
316. Hey, how about we go to
Asshole's Cabbage Patch?Copy !req
317. No, we went there
a couple weeks ago.Copy !req
318. The dude who owns it is
a total asshole.Copy !req
319. Where is Tittapotamus?Copy !req
320. Yeah, it's outside the city.
You know, by the jungle?Copy !req
321. Yeah. That place doesn't exist.Copy !req
322. What about
Hurtin' and Squirtin'?Copy !req
323. That place is...Copy !req
324. I don't like that place.Copy !req
325. Oh, come on. You just gotta wear
a slicker there.Copy !req
326. It's like a Gallagher show.Copy !req
327. What about
Daddy's Fucked Up Secret?Copy !req
328. No, that place is fucked up.Copy !req
329. What about
Behind The Beef Curtains?Copy !req
330. The place smells like crap.Copy !req
331. Do you guys think I dreamed
Tittapotamus?Copy !req
332. Did the dancers all have
pink tutus?Copy !req
333. Yeah.Copy !req
334. Yeah, that's that movie
Fantasia.Copy !req
335. What about Missing Children
From The Nineties?Copy !req
336. Guys. Stains, Stains, Stains?Copy !req
337. - No.
- No.Copy !req
338. Let's go to Vaginal Tears.Copy !req
339. That's not how you
pronounce that.Copy !req
340. And that place is horrible.Copy !req
341. You know, this is ridiculous.Copy !req
342. Why can't four fun-loving guysCopy !req
343. decide on a strip club to go to?Copy !req
344. I got it.Copy !req
345. - STDDs.
- Yeah.Copy !req
346. - We can go to STDDs.
- Yeah.Copy !req
347. - Let's go.
- All right.Copy !req
348. Hey, fellas. Welcome to STDDs.Copy !req
349. Unfortunately,
we've had a pretty bad outbreakCopy !req
350. and all of our dancers have
the night off tonight.Copy !req
351. But we did bring some dancers
over from our sister club,Copy !req
352. - Hepatitis C-Cups.
- It's not the same.Copy !req
353. Well, you could go down to
The Boob Museum.Copy !req
354. I hear it's nipple night.Copy !req
355. Ooh, nipple night at
The Boob Museum.Copy !req
356. I just got a text.
They're having two for oneCopy !req
357. drink specials at
The Farting Whore.Copy !req
358. - Ooh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
359. Or we could go to
Minor Indiscretions.Copy !req
360. You're a pervert, dude.Copy !req
361. Hey, we could go to Areola 51?Copy !req
362. - Ah, yeah.
- There we go.Copy !req
363. - Let's go there.
- Yeah, let's do it.Copy !req
364. Welcome to Areola 51, gentlemen.Copy !req
365. Unfortunately,
all our dancers got abducted.Copy !req
366. - That's funny.
- Oh, why is that funny?Copy !req
367. Some Mexican drug lords
threw all our strippersCopy !req
368. in a van and took off.Copy !req
369. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
370. Fucking asshole.Copy !req
371. We could go to
Stephen King's Tit.Copy !req
372. I'm just gonna go home.Copy !req
373. You know, it's so late that
the only clubs that'll be openCopy !req
374. are the gay ones.Copy !req
375. Well, which one should we go to?Copy !req
376. Well, we could go to
Watching Taint Dry.Copy !req
377. We could go to
20th Century Cox.Copy !req
378. Yeah.Copy !req
379. Hey, how about
The Schlong and Winding Road?Copy !req
380. - Ooh.
- Ooh.Copy !req
381. Hey, what about Dick Nolte's?Copy !req
382. Oh, that place isn't there
anymore.Copy !req
383. Now it's The Riddle of
the Sphincter.Copy !req
384. We can go to
Stop, Cock, and Roll.Copy !req
385. What about Bad Atti-dudes?Copy !req
386. What about Norman Cockwell's
Family Dinner?Copy !req
387. How about we go to Wiggle
and Willie's Wiener Floss?Copy !req
388. Hey guys,
I decided to come back.Copy !req
389. What do you guys think about
Through the Looking Ass?Copy !req
390. Hmm.Copy !req
391. We could go to
Queer One Imports.Copy !req
392. Hi, there.Copy !req
393. My name is Jim,Copy !req
394. and I'm one of the executive
producers of the show.Copy !req
395. I'd like to apologize for
letting this sketch go onCopy !req
396. as long as it has,
it really has no point.Copy !req
397. There's no arc.
It's just bumbling idiotsCopy !req
398. coming up with stupid
strip-club namesCopy !req
399. like Condom Leezza Rice or...Copy !req
400. The Hard-on Boys.Copy !req
401. Stupid names like...Copy !req
402. Nancy Screw,Copy !req
403. Some Like It Twat,Copy !req
404. First Man To Walk On The Poon,Copy !req
405. Mermaid Zelda's Butt Shrimp,Copy !req
406. Inner City Crack,Copy !req
407. Come Dungeon,Copy !req
408. Captain Blowhard's Tit Hole,Copy !req
409. Urethra Franklin,Copy !req
410. Scores,Copy !req
411. The Spinning Penis,Copy !req
412. In Space No One Can Hear
You Cream,Copy !req
413. The Breast Barn,Copy !req
414. Scrooge McFuck's Honey Bin,Copy !req
415. Wienerz with a z at the end,Copy !req
416. Harry On The Hendersons,Copy !req
417. Mao Ze-Dong's Sweatshop,Copy !req
418. Up Your Butt and Around
the Corner,Copy !req
419. The Staten Island Ferry.Copy !req
420. I'm good.
Cool.Copy !req
421. Alright, well done.
Thanks, Jim.Copy !req
422. Holy shit!Copy !req
423. That's original.Copy !req