The Whitest Kids U' Know 4x3

1. I was going to eat that.

2. Agent Michelle Pfeiffer.

3. That's Michael Piper.

4. Oh, sorry, it's dark in here.

5. We need you to break into the "See-Uh."

6. The CIA?

7. Yes, we need you to break in, hack into its mainframe,

8. and get us the knock list before it falls into enemy hands.

9. You want me to break into the CIA?

10. It's almost an impossible mission.

11. You'll have to make your way through several layers

12. of high-tech security to gain access.

13. What are we looking at?

14. Well, to get into the main room,

15. you'll have to pass a retina scanner.

16. Then after that, there'll be a fingerprint reader.

17. Once you can access the main door,

18. you'll have to rappel down 60 yards

19. into what we call a clean room.

20. Now, this room will be protected by a body-heat sensor.

21. So you can't stay inside for more than 30 seconds.

22. Then you'll enter a room where there will be laser sensors

23. that you'll have to slide under.

24. After that, you'll have to give a bulldog a hand job.

25. Then enter the password onto the door reader.

26. - When you get— - Pause.

27. Can we go back to the bulldog?

28. No, after you give the bulldog a hand job,

29. keep going down the hallway.

30. Do not go back.

31. He may follow you.

32. Wait, no, no, that's not what I mean.

33. Why do I have to give a dog a hand job?

34. That's how you open the door.

35. It's the latest in high-tech security.

36. So this is a real bulldog?

37. This is a real bulldog.

38. Yeah, I don't wanna do that.

39. They know you don't wanna do that.

40. That's why he's there, but we need this knock list.

41. Wait, so why do I have to jerk off a dog

42. to get into the next room?

43. Because he'll ejaculate the password.

44. Then type that password into the keypad.

45. Keep going down the hallway—

46. So you're telling me

47. I'm gonna have to give a dog a tug job today?

48. Well, you have to get the dog to ejaculate.

49. It can be tricky to get this dog

50. to finish using just your hands.

51. What?

52. Sometimes, he goes soft after a couple of minutes.

53. Oh, it's important not to accidentally

54. swallow the password,

55. because then you'll have to wait a half hour

56. for him to be ready to try again.

57. Yeah, I'm not doing this.

58. Come on, Agent Piper, your country needs you.

59. Yeah, I don't care.

60. I haven't given a dog a hand job in my life.

61. I'm not starting today.

62. Aw, come on, we need somebody to do it.

63. Did you try Tom Cruise?

64. He's on vacation in Thailand.

65. See, he's probably giving dogs freebies right now.

66. I know.

67. He's probably paying for it.

68. That's why this is so frustrating.

69. Daddy, Tickles won't wake up.

70. Oh.

71. Oh, yeah, sweetie, oh.

72. I'm sorry.

73. I don't think Tickles is gonna wake up.

74. - He's not? - No.

75. No, I think Tickles is gonna sleep forever now.

76. - Why? - Well...

77. 'Cause Tickles died, buddy, he's dead.

78. Everything dies, though, it's okay.

79. I don't want Tickles to be dead.

80. Yeah, no, I know you don't,

81. but, you know, it's totally natural.

82. Everything dies, and it's all part of

83. - the cycle of life.

84. You see, soon,

85. soon, we'll put Tickles' body in the ground,

86. and then he'll feed the plants, you know,

87. and then the plants will grow up stronger,

88. and then animals will eat the plants,

89. and then the animals will get stronger.

90. - See, and that's how it goes.

91. Right now, Tickles' soul is up in heaven.

92. - He's having a great time,

93. and he's playing around

94. with all his little hamster friends up there.

95. - Ah! What is that?

96. - It's alright, buddy.

97. This is all just part of the cycle of life.

98. - It's totally natural.

99. There's nothing to worry about here.

100. This is just how Tickles' body and his soul

101. go up to the afterlife.

102. That's what this is.

103. What, what?

104. - What is happening? - It's all right now.

105. I know it's little scary sometimes.

106. - Gosh, I remember the first time

107. I had an encounter with death.

108. It was pretty terrifying.

109. It was, my grandmother, I believe, had just passed.

110. - I was very young.

111. Just about your age, as I recall.

112. And they lied about the whole thing,

113. and they made up some character

114. named George Washington.

115. Grandma! Grandma!

116. Oh, my God.

117. Billy, this is all part of the circle of life, okay?

118. Beatrix Finnegan was a good woman.

119. She loved napping and gossiping.

120. As we commit her remains to the earth,

121. let us pray that she may find peace in heaven.

122. forward to the day...

123. we will be reunited with her...

124. in the land to come.

125. My fellow Cherokee,

126. it is with heavy heart that I speak to you today.

127. It is the year 1831, and the United States government

128. is forcing us to leave our ancestral home

129. and walk hundreds of miles

130. to go and live on Indian reservations forever.

131. This journey will be dangerous and difficult

132. and will be known forever as The Walk of Shame.

133. Caleb, it was called The Trail of Tears,

134. not The Walk of Shame.

135. It was also called The Walk of Shame.

136. No, it wasn't.

137. It was never called that.

138. Wikipedia said that it was called—

139. Caleb, I don't care what Wikipedia says.

140. It was called The Trail of Tears.

141. The Walk of Shame is...

142. something else entirely.

143. Now, continue.

144. - Well, whatever.

145. - Anyway,

146. we will have to make this long and dangerous journey

147. because we have finally lost our long war.

148. We waged against the cowboys.

149. The reasons for this were

150. we were no match for their superior numbers.

151. Our own people were divided into too many different tribes

152. and did not fight together,

153. and we were too stupid to have invented guns.

154. - Okay, Caleb, that's it. - What?

155. The report is just inflammatory now.

156. What?

157. They were too stupid to invent guns?

158. Then why hadn't they?

159. Because...

160. some cultures find different things important,

161. like basket-weaving or crafts.

162. That's not what Wikipedia said—

163. Caleb, I don't care what Wikipedia says.

164. Class, I don't want to have to say this again.

165. No hate speech in our reports.

166. Now, continue.

167. I mean, most of us are such

168. that even chicken pox and shit will kill us.

169. Okay, Caleb, that's it.

170. The S-word. Really?

171. In a school report?

172. Sorry, I just copy and pasted from Wikipedia.

173. Okay, that's it, sit down.

174. You get a zero.

175. No, the principal said you can't fail anyone

176. anymore 'cause the school won't get its funding.

177. Why did I become a teacher?

178. 'Cause you thought all these kids would be like,

179. "Oh, my teacher's a hero to me and shit."

180. We're here!

181. Oh, and you must be Dario.

182. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Anderson.

183. Crystal's told me so much about you.

184. Oh, did she?

185. Did she tell you about these?

186. Pretty badass, right?

187. All right, what's all this wooing about?

188. - Is the paper here? - No, no, no.

189. Crystal's new boyfriend is here.

190. Dario, Crystal's told me so much about you.

191. - Good to meet you. - Oh, yeah?

192. - Did she tell you about these?

193. Oh, yes, I do believe she mentioned something

194. about you ripping your shirt off.

195. Did she tell you about how fast I can run?

196. This is great!

197. Honey, play that song about this.

198. Whoo!

199. Whoo!

200. Whoo, whoo!

201. Whoo!

202. All right, Dario, you can do this.

203. Well, how many of the pills did you take?

204. 80.

205. Yeah, just don't take 80 pills of anything.

206. - Ever? - Ever.

207. Well, what if a doctor tells me to?

208. A doctor's not gonna tell you to do that.

209. All right.

210. So how long's this erection gonna last?

211. Well, from the amount of pills that you took,

212. I'd say you're gonna have that erection

213. for the next three to four days.

214. But, Doc, I'm getting married tomorrow!

215. I'm sure she'll understand.

216. No, Doc, you don't understand.

217. I'm a con artist.

218. Are you tired of breaking your back

219. to keep those filthy bathrooms clean?

220. Well, why not trade some of that elbow grease

221. for the Scrubbly Bubble cleaning power

222. of Scrub-O-Shine from Bergman and Sachs.

223. Our powerful cleaning formula penetrates deep down

224. and breaks up dirt and oil

225. with our patented deep super-clean technology.

226. So try the Scrubbly Bubbles of Scrub-O-Shine,

227. now, with chicken.

228. Buy yours today at local stores.

229. There, right there.

230. Right where?

231. Right there, it said, "With chicken."

232. Um, no, it didn't.

233. Do you want me to play it again?

234. No, we've played it three times,

235. and each time, we didn't hear it.

236. - So try the Scrubbly Bubbles

237. of Scrub-O-Shine, now, with chicken.

238. Oh, that's what you're talking about?

239. Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

240. The part in our new commercial where it says

241. our product is made with chicken.

242. - Nobody's gonna notice that. - People will notice that.

243. - I didn't notice it. - I noticed it.

244. Yeah, but not until like the third time we watched it.

245. No, that was you.

246. Nobody's gonna care that it says there's chicken in it.

247. People will care.

248. Salmonella is like one of the main reasons

249. why people clean things.

250. You just want me

251. to go back down to the studio and redo it.

252. - Well, yeah. Are you serious?

253. You want me to go all the way back down to the studio

254. just 'cause the stupid commercial says chicken?

255. Look, the commercial can't say "with chicken."

256. It has nothing to do with our product.

257. I don't even know how it got in there.

258. Well, neither do I.

259. Well, let's take a look at the script then.

260. - Right there,

261. it says, "With chicken."

262. Someone wrote it right on the page.

263. Okay, so because of that, I have to go

264. all the way back down to the studio and redo it?

265. Dylan, the studio is one floor down.

266. Yeah, but I hate it there.

267. Everyone sucks.

268. Everyone at this whole company sucks!

269. Everyone at this whole company does not suck.

270. Yeah-huh, I hate it here.

271. Wish this whole place would burn to the ground.

272. I really wish you would stop saying that, Dylan.

273. This is your company.

274. I've told you this before,

275. but if you don't wanna come in, you don't have to.

276. We are perfectly capable of handling

277. the day-to-day operations on our own,

278. but if you're gonna come in,

279. I just really wish you'd help us out

280. and just, the commercial just can't say chicken.

281. Fine, whatever.

282. I should fire the crap outta you.

283. Please don't, I'm just trying to do

284. what's best for the product.

285. - Hi, Dylan.

286. - Hey, thanks for sending me

287. - that email on my birthday.

288. I didn't send you any email, Heidi.

289. - It was probably my secretary.

290. Well, you want me to get you a soda or somethin'?

291. I don't know, figure it out, all right?

292. Hey, Mr. Schroeder, how's it going?

293. You can't say chicken.

294. Okay, so you want us to record

295. a version without saying chicken.

296. That's a good idea, we can do that.

297. - Steve? - Yeah?

298. We're gonna go ahead and record

299. a version without saying chicken.

300. Good!

301. It's a damn shame, though.

302. So try new Scrubbly Bubbles from Scrub-O-Shine!

303. All right, that was great.

304. - I'm gonna lay that down.

305. Wait.

306. Yes, Dylan?

307. Do one that says macaroni.

308. Say what now?

309. I said, do one that says macaroni.

310. You want me to say, "Now, with macaroni!"

311. No, just say, "Macaroni."

312. Macaroni!

313. Now, put that in there.

314. Uh... where do you want me to put it?

315. I don't know,

316. like in between Scrubbly or Bubbles or something.

317. Right, so you want it to say

318. Scrubbly Macaroni Bubbles.

319. Well, Dylan, you finally did it.

320. You got one of those ridiculous commercials past me,

321. and, now, our stock price is plummeting.

322. Sorry to say, but this company's gonna have to go under.

323. By this time next week,

324. we'll all be out of a job.

325. Whatever.

326. Suck it, losers.

327. I can't believe he committed suicide.

328. I don't think he was trying to commit suicide.

329. Damn, they're dug in there pretty deep.

330. Keep your fire on him until reinforcements can arrive!

331. - Ammo!

332. I got a fresh box for you, sirs.

333. You see the way that Robertson just died?

334. Yeah, it was fucked up, man.

335. No, I mean like the theatrics,

336. the way he was flailing his arms in the air

337. like he was some sort of sacrificial hero.

338. - Yeah.

339. I guess it was pretty over the top,

340. kind of like he was some main character

341. in a war movie or something.

342. I hardly think that Robertson was the main character.

343. - Yeah.

344. I mean, he's more like one of the guys in the background—

345. Earn this.

346. Geez.

347. Yeah, that guy kind of did the same thing

348. - the other guy did. - Yeah.

349. Guess it was kind of like the pot calling

350. the kettle black there, right?

351. Yeah, totally, what a drama que—

352. Oh, my God.

353. Ooh, is it bad?

354. - Pretty bad. - 'Cause it feels bad.

355. I'm not hamming it up or anything, though?

356. No, not at all.

357. I don't even know how you're still talking.

358. Okay, well, it's getting pretty dark now.

359. So I'm just gonna lay down over here.

360. Please don't make fun of me.

361. I wasn't going to.

362. You are one tough son of a bitch,

363. - a brave soldier who— - No, no, no, no, no,

364. just, I'm gonna go to sleep.

365. It was nice being in this war with you,

366. - and I'll see you later.

367. I will see you later.

368. I'll see you later in the great beyond—

369. No, shh, don't.

370. - Just, just let it happen.

371. Please don't make fun of me.

372. Thank you.

373. - War's done!

374. Really?

375. War's done.

376. - For reals? - For reals.

377. News just came in.

378. - No more war. - Huh.

379. Who's going to America and who's going to Germany?

380. America.

381. Americans, get in those buses over there.

382. Germans, get in the buses by the tents.

383. Please leave your guns in the bucket by the buses

384. and pick up a meal voucher.

385. War's done.

386. Dad fight, dad fight, dad fight,

387. dad fight, dad fight, dad fight!

388. Dad fight, dad fight, dad fight,

389. dad fight, dad fight, dad fight!

390. - Jerry, this is stupid.

391. If this is so stupid, why do these kids seem to love it?

392. - Yeah!

393. Because they don't know any better, they're children.

394. Oh, did you hear that kids?

395. - Boo! Boo!

396. I think children know better. I think children are

397. the smartest things in the world ever.

398. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

399. Jerry, I'm not gonna fight you.

400. My kid made a guarantee, and in the Bradford house,

401. a guarantee means something!

402. Yeah, but kids talk about whose dad

403. could beat up who all the time.

404. It doesn't mean that you take your shirts off

405. in the middle of the front yard and duke it out.

406. Do you think I want to fight you?

407. I abhor violence,

408. but I don't wanna lose my son's respect.

409. I think you're losing his respect right now.

410. You're the best, dad, whoo!

411. Enough talk, dad-fight time.

412. Dad fight, dad fight, dad fight!

413. Okay, Jerry, you know that I am a Navy Seal, right?

414. Oh, yeah, right, and I'm an Army tiger.

415. Jerry, I only know moves

416. that can kill a man with one touch.

417. Dad fight, dad fight!

418. Gotta do this, man.

419. Jerry, if you lay your hands on me,

420. my training will kick in.

421. - I cannot be held account—

422. Eddie's dead, Eddie's dead, Eddie's dead!

423. But, Dad, you said lying would get you out of anything.

424. - It did.

425. It just took a couple of well-timed blood capsules

426. in the nose and a good collapse and fight averted.

427. Are you lying now?

428. No.

429. What the fuck?

430. Oh, man.

431. It's already 5:00 in the morning.

432. I'm gonna be at work in an hour and a half.

433. Might as well just sleep in the car.

434. I'll just leave the engine on for the air conditioning,

435. and that is what we call using our heads.

436. - Ah, crap.

437. Wait a minute, what in the...

438. Hi, um...

439. I died, but I think I'm in the wrong place.

440. See, I'm a person, and I think I've gone to animal heaven.

441. So...

442. can you send me back?

443. Oh, okay.

444. Hi, how are you?

445. Good to meet you.

446. So how do I get there?

447. Oh, okay.

448. Can you do anything or are you just a dog?

449. Look, do you have like a supervisor

450. or anybody I could talk to?

451. - Who made this sign?

452. A parrot, good, parrots can speak.

453. Hey, boy, do you know English?

454. Have you learned English?

455. - Quack, bark, bark.

456. Great.

457. Meow, oink, oink, moo.

458. Perfect.

459. Well, there's your sign.

460. I'll be back to check on you animals

461. in a trillion years.

462. Holy shit!

463. That's original.