1. Hello!
Copy !req
2. Nice day, isn't it?
Copy !req
3. - What?
- Huh?
Copy !req
4. I said hello!
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5. Old Man Winters is such a dick.
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6. Yeah.
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7. Hey, you wanna
go fuck with his will?
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8. - Shh! Be quiet!
Copy !req
9. "First, it is my wishes
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10. "that I be buried the way
I felt most comfortable in life,
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11. "dressed as a sexy kitten
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12. "with a parking cone up my butt,
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13. "for I was a weird pervert
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14. "who did many other gross
things that nobody knew about,
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15. "like eating my own poop
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16. "or putting nail polish
on my balls.
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17. "And I always wanted to do
my own dog.
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18. "And here's a list of things
I used to jerk it to."
Copy !req
19. Hello, table for one?
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20. No, I'm from the Food
and Drug Administration.
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21. I'm sorry.
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22. We don't serve people from the
Food and Drug Administration.
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23. Hmm, interesting.
Copy !req
24. No, that's okay, though,
I'll just have a look around.
Copy !req
25. - Do you have a warrant?
- I don't need a warrant.
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26. That's not how this works.
Copy !req
27. I'm afraid you need a warrant.
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28. I don't need a warrant.
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29. I really can't let you see
the restaurant
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30. unless you have probable cause.
Copy !req
31. That's not how it works either
and even if it was,
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32. this is.
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33. I'm sorry, and why are you
harassing us?
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34. Well, what caught my eye
is that the restaurant is called
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35. "It's Not Kittens,
It's Chicken,"
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36. and then there's a logo
of a chef winking.
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37. It's not.
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38. It's not what?
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39. - It's not kittens.
- Okay.
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40. - It's chicken.
- Okay.
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41. There's nothing illegal
about serving chicken,
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42. like there is kittens.
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43. Can I just see your kitchen, please?
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44. You see, it's just that it's
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45. a little bit of a mess
back there,
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46. so I'm really gonna have to
ask you to come back tomorrow.
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47. This is a health inspection.
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48. I'm not gonna come back
on another day
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49. so you can clean up your
messy kitchen.
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50. I don't even know
how to get back there,
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51. and I think it's locked anyway.
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52. Hey, I got a new spicy,
hot plate of kitten!
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53. I mean chicken!
Copy !req
54. See? He just locked it.
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55. Oh, what do you have right here?
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56. What is this?
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57. That...
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58. is a...
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59. chicken.
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60. Well, first of all if this
is chicken,
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61. it shouldn't be just
lying around on the floor
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62. and secondly,
this is not chicken.
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63. It appears to be...
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64. a Kitten McNugget.
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65. Now, that's just a name.
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66. Hello, I'm from
the Highway Department.
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67. We've received
a number of complaints
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68. about a billboard of yours
that reads,
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69. "Now eating pussy is fun again."
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70. And I'm sorry,
what's wrong with that?
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71. It's a reference to oral sex.
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72. There's been a misunderstanding.
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73. That's not a reference
to oral sex.
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74. Then what is that
a reference to?
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75. You know, I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you both to leave.
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76. You're upsetting our customers.
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77. You know, your customers
can just deal with this.
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78. Goodbye, family!
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79. Have fun at the store!
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80. Oh, yeah.
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81. Here we go.
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82. Don't worry, cum,
I'll get you out of there.
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83. Oh, yeah.
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84. Oh, yeah.
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85. - Oh.
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86. What the...
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87. What the hell?
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88. Processing photo.
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89. Processing what? No.
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90. Sending photo.
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91. No, sending to who?
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92. - Sending photo.
- No, cancel. Cancel.
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93. Printing photo.
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94. Printing? I don't
even have a printer.
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95. No! Abort!
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96. Renting billboard.
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97. Renting bill— what? No!
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98. Would you like billboard in
New York
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99. or Los Angeles?
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100. Neither! None!
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101. - Both!
- No!
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102. Lube-y hands.
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103. Hello?
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104. Hey, Kyle, it's Tom.
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105. Just saw your billboard,
bro. Pretty crazy.
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106. What?
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107. How's it going, broski?
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108. Haven't seen you in
a couple years—
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109. Wait, Tom, Tom,
what's on the billboard?
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110. You know, it's that one where
you're jerking it
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111. and looking all weird.
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112. Oh, my god.
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113. Good thing it had
your phone number up there
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114. - 'cause I lost it.
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115. I'm getting another call.
Tom, hang on.
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116. Oh, shit, it's my dog.
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117. Oh, yeah, you still
got that talking dog?
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118. Hello?
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119. She's in the grocery store
right now, but she's mad.
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120. Ladies and gentlemen,
I am pleased to be here today
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121. to present to you the future
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122. of the
Coorheisen Brewing Company.
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123. This new product is
gonna revitalize our sales
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124. throughout the country
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125. and bring us a brand-new
generation of loyal customers.
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126. I present to you...
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127. Kid Beer.
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128. I'm not sure
that we can do that.
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129. Why not?
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130. This will make millions, billions.
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131. People love kids.
People love beer.
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132. Put 'em together,
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133. Kid Beer.
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134. But, will kids like beer?
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135. Of course they will,
it's highly addictive.
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136. I don't know.
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137. Look, up until now,
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138. nobody has been
marketing beer to children.
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139. Yeah, why is that?
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140. I feel like
there's a reason for that.
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141. And here's the best part.
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142. There's absolutely
no reason for that.
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143. Why don't I just Google it,
quick, just to make sure?
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144. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
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145. Look, nobody
ever got anywhere in life
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146. by Googling everything they did
to make sure it was okay.
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147. Yeah, those guys that made
all that money off Google,
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148. they didn't Google shit.
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149. Isn't that why they ID people
at bars and liquor stores?
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150. They don't do that anymore.
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151. I haven't been IDed in like
15 years.
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152. Why don't I just Google it
anyways, just to make sure?
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153. Get away from the computer.
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154. You know, there's something
about this whole thing
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155. that just doesn't sit right.
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156. Look, Darren,
are you a lawyer?
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157. Well, no.
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158. Then you admit
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159. that you have no idea
what you're talking about.
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160. Hey, you're right.
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161. Listen, even if there is
some sort of glitch,
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162. we get legal to throw
everything they've got
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163. at this problem,
make it go away,
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164. and we are gonna get the kids
of this country wasted.
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165. Who's with me?
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166. Kid Beer, beer for kids!
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167. While the legal battle rages on
in the courts,
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168. the damage may have already
been done.
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169. Kid Beer has become the third
most popular product
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170. in the United States, behind
only water and cheese things.
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171. Playgrounds are empty,
school yards are abandoned,
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172. and bars and saloons are filled
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173. with the pitter-patter
of little feet,
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174. as everywhere, at any time,
little kids are getting plowed.
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175. I woke up covered in throw up,
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176. I punched my mom.
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177. I broke all my toys.
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178. I used to have fun drinking
Kid Beer,
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179. but now I have to drink Kid Beer
to have fun.
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180. Can't even watch cartoons
anymore
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181. without having a Kid Beer first.
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182. Kid Beer ruined my life,
but I love it.
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183. I am a prick.
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184. - What? No, Bill!
- What?
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185. A stupid, selfish prick.
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186. A worthless piece of trash.
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187. Don't be so hard on yourself.
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188. No, no, no, no, no, no.
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189. I came in here
with a straight face
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190. and I sold you good people
Kid Beer.
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191. But, Bill,
Kid Beer's made us billions.
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192. Yeah, I bought Google.
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193. Kid Beer is worthless,
it's nothing!
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194. - What?
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195. You son of a bitch!
Copy !req
196. Wait, wait, wait.
Let's hear him out.
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197. I came in here
selling you people Kid Beer,
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198. but what
I should have been selling
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199. was Baby Beer.
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200. Baby Beer.
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201. Beer for babies!
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202. Are you tired of
the same old, same old?
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203. Then crack open an
ice-cold bottle of
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204. - Baby Beer.
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205. Baby Beer, beer for babies.
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206. And now they've made beer
for babies.
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207. Baby Beer? Seriously?
Baby Beer?
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208. But Baby Beer sold zillions.
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209. Embryonic Beer.
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210. What?
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211. We take an IV,
we run it into the uterus,
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212. we replace
the embryonic fluid with beer.
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213. Embryonic Beer.
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214. They'll be completely
surrounded by beer.
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215. They'll get so wasted in there!
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216. And they'll be
completely addicted.
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217. Bill, Bill,
this idea's too good!
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218. I can't take this anymore!
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219. He's right,
the idea's too good.
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220. The next logical step
is oblivion!
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221. What's going on?
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222. The idea's too good,
it's breaking the universe.
Copy !req
223. - Are you tired of the same, old
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224. squirt guns
that just shoot water?
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225. Well, say goodbye to water
pistols and buckle up
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226. - for Booger Blasters!
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227. The new fun gun
from Johnson and Hedges.
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228. Collect your boogers all
winter long with your friends,
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229. then you'll have enough ammo
to booger-blast your buddies
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230. all summer long!
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231. From the makers of the
Snot Rocket.
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232. Hey, you kids need to come
into the house and clean up.
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233. - Not!
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234. And coming this fall,
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235. the Cum Bomb!
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236. Good evening,
you're watching PBS.
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237. You're joining us
now for chapter three
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238. in our eight-part
miniseries entitled,
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239. "Whitman, A Look at the Life
and Works of Walt Whitman."
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240. In addition to writing some
of the most influential poetry
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241. of the English language,
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242. Walt Whitman also kept a journal
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243. throughout much of his life.
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244. In the first two installments
of the show,
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245. we read from his
elementary-school years.
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246. Today, we'll be reading passages
he wrote in his 13th year.
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247. With me, as always,
is our panel of experts.
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248. Dr. Henry Jones,
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249. Dr. Dick Kimball,
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250. and Dr. Jackie Ryan.
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251. Panelists, thoughts on
what we've read thus far?
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252. Powerful, powerful work.
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253. You can see
the talent at such a young age.
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254. It's very interesting,
you know,
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255. the way he writes
about his childhood friends
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256. and his family dog
are just leaps and bounds
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257. beyond the faculties
of a normal 8-year-old.
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258. Now, let's take a look at
some of Mr. Whitman's writing
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259. from the first day of
seventh grade.
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260. "Dear Diary, today was
the first day of seventh grade
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261. "and all I could think about
are boobs.
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262. "Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs.
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263. "Big, bouncy boobs.
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264. "I want them in my mouth,
I want them in my hands,
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265. "I want them all over me.
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266. "Today, I thought of boobs."
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267. Mm, the mind of a master.
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268. Panelists, thoughts?
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269. I think it's important
to keep in mind
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270. that in his early works,
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271. he had yet to
find his literary voice.
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272. I mean, a boy his age...
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273. We can clearly see
that he's struggling
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274. with new thoughts and feelings.
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275. Absolutely.
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276. You know,
I couldn't disagree more.
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277. I think, dare I say it,
that this may be
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278. some of his bravest,
most illuminating work.
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279. I, but this is not his work,
this is his diary.
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280. No, no, no, no, no.
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281. Listen to his words.
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282. "Boobs, boobs, boobs.
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283. Big, bouncy boobs."
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284. Listen to that alliteration.
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285. I find it interesting
that even at his young age,
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286. Whitman was able to
pull such different reactions
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287. out of different people. Yes.
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288. Let us read from
a chapter that he wrote
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289. the following month.
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290. - "Boobs. More boobs.
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291. "I want to stick my dick in
boobs.
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292. "There's a girl in my class
named Janice Williamson.
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293. "She has the biggest boobs.
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294. "In the margins of this page,
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295. "I have drawn what I imagine
her naked boobs to look like."
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296. And here, if we could bring
Camera One over to me,
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297. we can see,
this is Janice Williamson.
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298. And she's 13 years old, right?
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299. Well, I suppose
it is interesting
Copy !req
300. that this is
the only time I'm aware of
Copy !req
301. Walt Whitman including an
illustration with his writings.
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302. You know, I think it's
interesting to point out that
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303. it seems that Mr. Whitman
is exaggerating a little bit.
Copy !req
304. I mean, these are
full womanly boobs,
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305. whereas your average
13-year-old's breasts
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306. tend to resemble more of
a bloated, fleshy candy corn.
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307. Yeah, I would
feel more comfortable
Copy !req
308. if we could just
move on to his later years.
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309. I mean, he gets really good
at 17.
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310. You know, I'd like to
counter with something.
Copy !req
311. Perhaps Janice Williamson
was held back a couple years
Copy !req
312. because, like I said,
most 13-year-olds' breasts
Copy !req
313. are nothing to write home about.
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314. - But, but these...
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315. Hachi machi.
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316. You know, I think I'm
just gonna de-mic now. I...
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317. "I think I'm going to de-mic."
"Hachi machi."
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318. The debate crackles.
Copy !req
319. Come, let us read an excerpt
Copy !req
320. that took place on
October of the following year.
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321. "If you look at
the bottom of this page,
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322. "you'll see a discolored spot.
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323. "That's because today
I thought about boobs so much
Copy !req
324. "that I started rubbing
this journal against my wiener
Copy !req
325. "until stuff came out
all over the pages.
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326. "It tasted like salt."
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327. "It tasted like salt."
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328. And this...
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329. tastes like art.
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330. You know,
I could not agree more.
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331. I mean, look what he's done.
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332. He's literally
Copy !req
333. put himself on the page.
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334. I'm sure that if
Walt Whitman were alive today,
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335. he would say,
"Where did you get my journal?
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336. "Why would you do this to me?
Copy !req
337. "I'll sue you, I'll sue you all.
Copy !req
338. "That was private."
Copy !req
339. Okay, welcome to Jack Off
Slop Shop: Food with Attitude.
Copy !req
340. My name is Jerry, I'll be
ignoring you this evening.
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341. If you guys want anything,
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342. feel free to shut up
and get it yourselves.
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343. This tubby guy
to my left is Timmy.
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344. He's new here, so he is
gonna be following me around
Copy !req
345. and learning
the ropes from a master.
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346. Timmy, say hello.
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347. Hello.
Copy !req
348. Okay, now let's
start off with drink orders.
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349. What do you guys want?
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350. Let me guess,
a couple of cosmos?
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351. You guys are.
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352. Let's slow things down a bit, okay?
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353. Okay.
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354. We'll have a couple of Cokes.
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355. Oh, big man with the Coke.
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356. Sure you can handle
all that sugar, sweet tooth.
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357. Actually, I'll get a beer.
Oh, there we go!
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358. At least there's
one real man at the table.
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359. See that, ladies?
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360. Ladies.
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361. Yeah, if you two
need to use the restroom,
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362. the ladies room is
right down the hall on the left.
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363. I'm sure you girls will
wanna go tinkle together, right?
Copy !req
364. So you can wash
your filthy pussies.
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365. Oh, god.
Copy !req
366. Wash off your filthy pussies.
Copy !req
367. I'll have
the Nacho Ordinary Nachos.
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368. Okay, I'm surprised you could
read that menu, though.
Copy !req
369. From the looks of him,
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370. I thought he was
gonna point and grunt.
Copy !req
371. You guys all look like
you have AIDS.
Copy !req
372. Timmy.
Copy !req
373. Especially this guy.
Copy !req
374. Who's your lawyer?
Denzel Washington.
Copy !req
375. You know,
that's really inappropriate.
Copy !req
376. Yeah, I think we're gonna go.
Copy !req
377. Go blow each other.
Copy !req
378. Guys, guys, guys, guys,
Copy !req
379. wait, wait, wait, wait.
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380. He's new, I'm sorry.
Please sit down.
Copy !req
381. I'll get the Nacho Ordinary
Nachos on the house, okay?
Copy !req
382. Cuppa da balls.
Copy !req
383. I don't even get that.
Copy !req
384. I think
he thinks you're Italian.
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385. I am.
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386. Yeah, I think it's like a
gay-Italian thing.
Copy !req
387. Like cuppa the balls,
I don't know.
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388. Yeah, we're leaving.
Copy !req
389. Say hello to my little friends!
Copy !req
390. Get it? 'Cause "say
hello to my little friends,"
Copy !req
391. it's like Italian,
The Godfather, right?
Copy !req
392. Everyone is dumb except me.
Copy !req
393. Okay, class,
Copy !req
394. today we will be looking
Copy !req
395. at the proudest
moment in American history.
Copy !req
396. The Apollo 11 moon landing.
Copy !req
397. Here we can see Neil Armstrong
Copy !req
398. taking that historic first step
Copy !req
399. and becoming the first man
to walk on the moon.
Copy !req
400. Yes, Timmy?
Copy !req
401. Who shot that?
Copy !req
402. What?
Copy !req
403. Who shot that footage?
Copy !req
404. What do you mean?
Copy !req
405. Well, if Neil Armstrong
was the first man on the moon,
Copy !req
406. then who's holding the camera?
Copy !req
407. That's one small step for man,
Copy !req
408. one giant leap for mankind.
Copy !req
409. Well, I...
Copy !req
410. Who's out there with the camera?
Copy !req
411. No, no, I know
what you're asking.
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412. I'm just...
Copy !req
413. Could've been, like,
a tripod or... No, that's not...
Copy !req
414. - Hold on.
Copy !req
415. Hey, Mr. Teacherson,
what can I do for you?
Copy !req
416. Who shot the moon landing?
Copy !req
417. Neil Armstrong.
Copy !req
418. No, he was in it.
Copy !req
419. I mean,
who's holding the camera?
Copy !req
420. Wait a minute, I know this.
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421. It was...
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422. I have no idea.
Copy !req
423. - Yeah.
- What?
Copy !req
424. I know.
Copy !req
425. Hang on a second.
Copy !req
426. Hello?
Copy !req
427. Hey, Mr. Mayor,
Copy !req
428. who shot the moon landing?
Copy !req
429. Buzz Aldrin.
Copy !req
430. No, he was in the ship.
Copy !req
431. I don't know, an alien?
Copy !req
432. Wait, hold on one second.
Copy !req
433. Thank you for calling
the military.
Copy !req
434. Hi, yes, I have a question.
Copy !req
435. Don't ask, don't tell.
Copy !req
436. No, no, no, no.
Copy !req
437. Who shot the moon landing?
Copy !req
438. Obama residence.
Copy !req
439. Yes, Mr. President,
Copy !req
440. who shot the moon landing?
Copy !req
441. Who's asking that?
Copy !req
442. Some kid from PS139.
Copy !req
443. - Hold on.
Copy !req
444. - Yes.
Copy !req
445. Who did shoot the moon landing?
Copy !req
446. Oh, there was a camera
on the leg of the moon lander.
Copy !req
447. Then why'd you bomb that school?
Copy !req
448. That's why they call me
O-bomb-a.
Copy !req
449. This show sometimes.
Copy !req
450. Holy shit!
Copy !req