The Whitest Kids U' Know 4x5

1. This is hard.

2. Tell me about it.

3. I don't even think these things are helping at all.

4. That was "Poseidon And The Devil

5. Eating A Spaghetti Dinner."

6. I'm tellin' you, man, this salad tastes like pussy.

7. What are you talkin' about?

8. I'm talkin' about pussy.

9. This salad tastes exactly like pussy.

10. Well, I don't know what pussy you've been eatin',

11. but the pussy I eat don't taste like no salad.

12. Man, I ain't sayin' pussy tastes like salad.

13. All I'm sayin' that this salad

14. that I ordered tastes like a big fuckin' pussy.

15. Well, what kind of salad is it?

16. What the fuck does it matter what kind of salad it is?

17. It's not like they got pussy salad on the menu, huh?

18. No, it's spinach salad, fuck you!

19. Well, are you sure you didn't order

20. a tuna salad or somethin'?

21. Yeah, I'm sure, hot shot,

22. but I see where you're goin' with that.

23. Here, try it.

24. Well, I'll be a shit-covered dick.

25. This salad right here tastes exactly like

26. a big fuckin' pussy!

27. Okay! Hello, hi.

28. Um, I'm sorry to interrupt you,

29. but I'm having dinner here with my wife

30. and my very, very young child.

31. Well, I'm sorry, sir.

32. And I don't mean to offend you and your family,

33. but the thing is that we ordered this salad here

34. and it tastes exactly like a big, sloppy pussy.

35. Well, I really doubt that that's true, so.

36. It is! It's true.

37. Here, try it. Try it.

38. Come on.

39. Holy mackerel, this does taste like pussy.

40. Harold!

41. I'm serious, Meredith.

42. This tastes exactly like a big, sloppy pussy.

43. Try it, lady.

44. Yeah, go ahead, try it for yourself.

45. I don't need to try for myself.

46. Meredith, really.

47. This, this is uncanny.

48. Well?

49. That tastes a bit like pussy.

50. See? I told you.

51. Yep, there it is.

52. That's so fuckin' hot!

53. Man, where is the waiter?

54. What's in this salad?

55. Now the feta tastes like feta,

56. so it's gotta be the spinach.

57. 'Cause the whole thing tastes like pussy and cheese.

58. Can I try a bite?

59. Yeah, dig in.

60. Where in the hell is this waiter guy?

61. Waiter!

62. This salad doesn't taste like pussy.

63. I knew it! You are grounded, young man.

64. What?

65. I knew you'd been eating pussy

66. and now I guess all of us do.

67. Huh?

68. Say hello to Phil and Colin from work.

69. Sorry, kid. Busted.

70. Now, how much pussy have you been eating?

71. I don't know.

72. And where have you been eating this pussy?

73. I don't know!

74. Where?

75. School, the park.

76. Kyle's house?

77. Sometimes Kyle's house.

78. Well, you can say goodbye to Kyle's house.

79. Ouch.

80. Well, Harold, looks like our work here is done.

81. Hey, thanks, guys.

82. I'll see you at work on Monday.

83. Uh, so, Harold, uh,

84. are you gonna help me out with that thing

85. with my kid tomorrow night?

86. Yeah. What was that again?

87. You had explained it to me, but I didn't quite get it.

88. You know, my kid, he splits his time up

89. between living with me and my ex-wife

90. and I, I thought, you know, get some of the guys together.

91. We go over her house, dress up like ghosts,

92. and then I throw rocks at his windows.

93. Then he thinks it's haunted

94. and doesn't wanna stay there no more.

95. Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

96. Yeah, fine, fine.

97. You are watching the Home Shopping Channel

98. and, boy, oh boy, do we have a treat for you guys today.

99. We sure do, Ben.

100. This is part of our Celebrity Art Series.

101. Yesterday we showed you some of Dennis Hopper's photographs,

102. and today we are lucky enough to have a series

103. of self-portraits by the one and only Charles Manson.

104. And these are just fantastic, Charlene.

105. That's Charles Manson, of course,

106. the infamous criminal sociopath.

107. And uh, here we have some drawings that he's done

108. that were taken directly from his cell in San Quentin.

109. That is right, Ben.

110. Now the first one is drawn on a piece of notebook paper

111. and is called "Me In The Park."

112. There you see, uh,

113. Mr. Manson going for a little stroll there.

114. We got a nice happy sun.

115. Some birds singing a song.

116. A lovely tree.

117. This is just a beautiful, beautiful piece

118. for your home or office.

119. That is right.

120. And you can have it for the low, low price of 199 dollars.

121. That is a steal, huh!

122. This next piece, done on the back of a napkin,

123. is called "Baseball Day."

124. Huh! Looks like he's hitting a little home run there.

125. I think this piece is a home run.

126. Once again, if you're just tuning in,

127. we are selling self-portraits

128. from psychopath-extraordinaire Charles Manson.

129. That's right, and I believe Mr. Manson

130. is calling in live now on the phone

131. from his cell in San Quentin

132. to introduce his next piece.

133. Charlie, we got you? Charles?

134. Oh, hey!

135. It sounded like there was a lady there.

136. That's me, Charles, nice to meet you.

137. It is an honor to speak with you.

138. What does your hair smell like?

139. Come again, Charles?

140. Girl, what does your hair smell like?

141. Whoa, oh, down boy, Charles!

142. Uh, hey Charles, let's talk about your next piece,

143. why don't we?

144. This is called uh, "Swingset."

145. Tell me about it.

146. This, this is me on the swings.

147. Wow. Do you like going on the swings, Charles?

148. You go on the swings a lot?

149. I, I like to swing really high and then jump off

150. because I can pretend that I'm a bird.

151. Huh! Fantastic!

152. Uh, now, interesting piece of trivia about you, Charles.

153. I understand you've never actually killed anyone.

154. Is that correct?

155. Yeah, that's right, I believe you had

156. your followers, who you had brainwashed,

157. uh, break into houses,

158. and sometimes they would even murder whole families

159. and then write cryptic things

160. in their own blood on the walls.

161. That's pretty far out there, Charles.

162. Show the picture of me on the boat.

163. - Oh, the next piece, yes, ah! - Oh, yeah, okay.

164. This is, this is uh, written on the back

165. of a stretched piece of human skin.

166. It's called "Good Boat Day."

167. And uh, one of my favorite little details is right there.

168. You can see the name of the boat

169. is the uh, the S.S. Friendship.

170. - I think that's great.

171. That is so nice.

172. Well, Charles, thank you so much

173. for taking the time to call in.

174. Looks like we're gonna have to wrap things up now—

175. I wanna sing a song.

176. - What? - I'm sorry,

177. - what, Charles? - What?

178. I wanna sing a, a song for you.

179. Well, I do think we, uh,

180. maybe we have time for a short one?

181. - Yeah, okay. - Yeah.

182. I want to sing a song that I wrote for you.

183. Alright, Charles, I think we're gonna have to wrap it up now.

184. What is happening to me?

185. What? What is going on?

186. Charlene, what's going on?

187. Ah! Charlene, no!

188. Charles!

189. Charles!

190. It's happening to me!

191. Stop singing! Charles!

192. I'm peeing here, leave me alone!

193. Leave me alone!

194. I tried to run away from you.

195. Oh, my God! It came out my dick!

196. It came out my dick!

197. What?

198. Ugh! I'm telling!

199. Hi, everyone.

200. That last sketch was absolutely hilarious,

201. but it brings up a good point.

202. A camera would come out of a woman's vagina

203. much easier than it would a man's penis.

204. Hey, Greg.

205. What?

206. What's wrong with your kid?

207. Nothing's wrong with him, it's just a phase.

208. Last week he said Jessica Alba was hot.

209. No, not that.

210. I mean, he's not movin' over there.

211. He's movin'.

212. No, he's not, he's just layin' there.

213. He has been for 20 minutes.

214. I'm not worried about it.

215. I don't know. Watch my kid.

216. Hey, Jimmy! Hey, Jimmy!

217. Jump around a bit.

218. See, that's what little kids are supposed to do.

219. Hey, Chris!

220. Hey, Chris!

221. No, nothin'.

222. Think your kid's broke there, Greg.

223. Oh, man.

224. I told Shelly I didn't wanna watch him today.

225. You guys fix things?

226. Yeah, we fix things.

227. Oh, good.

228. I think that's broken.

229. It was just playing around in the jungle gym

230. and then it just stopped working.

231. We'll see what we can do.

232. Hey, Rick, grab me a vice grip.

233. So you think you can fix him?

234. We'll do what we can.

235. Pop the hood on this guy.

236. I might have hit him with a rock, too.

237. Heh, that'll happen.

238. Ooh, boy.

239. Yep, you might wanna call Harvey, all right?

240. I think he might have another one of these.

241. Here, you might wanna keep these.

242. Okay!

243. Wait a minute, where are the screws?

244. Wait, those were teeth.

245. This is a fuckin' kid, man!

246. Yeah.

247. Why'd you bring your kid to a mechanic?

248. 'Cause he's broken.

249. He's broken or he's dead?

250. He's broken.

251. Well, he's definitely dead now.

252. What?

253. What did you do?

254. Popped the hood!

255. I did what I've been doin' since I was 16 years old.

256. I'm a mechanic.

257. Why'd you fuckin' bring him here?

258. I don't know!

259. I've never brought anything anywhere before.

260. Oh, God, my wife's gonna kill me.

261. Uh, hey, honey.

262. Had kind of a rough day.

263. Well, I'm pretty sure I've got you beat.

264. Well, I doubt that.

265. I killed both my parents today.

266. - Really? - Yeah.

267. Picked them both up at the airport.

268. Drove them to what I thought was their hotel.

269. Turns out it was a pizza restaurant.

270. Apparently they have those now.

271. Oh.

272. Yeah. Walked 'em right in.

273. Said, "Here's your room, Mom and Dad. Have fun!"

274. Turns out it was a brick oven!

275. Great job, Gloria! Bang up job.

276. You turned both your parents into pizzas.

277. What was so rough about your day?

278. Well, uh, geez.

279. Doesn't seem like such a big deal now,

280. but uh...

281. I killed our kid.

282. Oh, how'd you do that?

283. Took him to a mechanic.

284. Huh! We are a couple of real bozos.

285. Yep.

286. A couple of grade-A bozos.

287. That's us.

288. Hi, ladies and germs,

289. and welcome to another taping of Timmy Talk,

290. with me your host, Timmy.

291. I'm just kiddin'.

292. Well, now I'd like to interview our first guest.

293. He's from the TV show The Whitest Kids U' Know,

294. and of course, Timmy Talk.

295. Please give a warm round of applause for Timmy!

296. Thanks for making the time to be here, Timmy.

297. Thanks for having me, Timmy.

298. Well, his name is Mittens and

299. - he's a tabby - So tell me about your cat.

300. Going on four years now.

301. How long have you had him?

302. Well, sometimes that I'm in a boat out at sea

303. and there's all these really weird mermaids around

304. and they have all the food and I don't have any.

305. - Do you have any dreams - And then I try to jump out

306. - about your cat, Timmy? - and get some, but I can't swim.

307. So then Mittens flies down in a cape and rescues me.

308. Ooh, that sounds scary.

309. It is.

310. Ooh, I'm getting goosebumps.

311. What do you think

312. - happens next? - I hope something good.

313. This is a lot of fun.

314. That would be great.

315. Amen to that.

316. It's fun to hang out with your friends.

317. You can tell me anything, buddy.

318. Oh, that's okay,

319. - I do that sometimes, too. - Timmy, can I tell you a secret?

320. You guys, gimme my tape back!

321. You're not supposed to see this.

322. That would be great.

323. It's fun to hang out

324. - with friends. - You guys, this is the pilot.

325. - It's the pilot! - A pilot!

326. He said it was a pilot like he's gonna

327. give it to a network or something.

328. Stop it, it's not finished!

329. Where'd you even find this?

330. I broke into your house and I went through your stuff.

331. Trevor, that is so cool!

332. - Hey. - No, no, no, no, no, Timmy, no.

333. - Aww.

334. You guys are more like... the meanest jerks.

335. Hey, Timmy! Timmy!

336. You suck, Timmy!

337. Hey, fuck you, Timmy.

338. Just gimme all your money, you stupid little shit!

339. My dad has it all.

340. Well, what do you got?

341. Nothin', I don't have anything!

342. Please don't kill me!

343. What is that in your hand?

344. Oh, this? This is nothing, you don't want this.

345. Ah, hey, hey! My pilot!

346. Now I'd like to interview my first guest.

347. He's from the TV show The Whitest Kids U' Know,

348. and of course, Timmy Talk.

349. Put your hands together for Timmy.

350. Hi, ladies and germs.

351. Thanks for having me.

352. Thanks for taking the time to be here.

353. My cat's name is Mittens and he's a "Tammy."

354. What's your cat's name?

355. He's about uh, four years old now.

356. Guys, can we change the channel?

357. This show makes me sad.

358. Shh.

359. Shut up, Timmy, this show's awesome.

360. The dream is about boating

361. - with mermaids. - How's he do that?

362. Ah fuck! My dog smoked all my pot again.

363. You still got that pot-smokin' dog?

364. Yeah. What do you wanna do?

365. Hey, I know how we can get high.

366. I just saw this story on the news about some kid

367. who smoked banana peels and he got so high that he died.

368. Whoa!

369. They show you how to make it?

370. Yeah.

371. All you gotta do is take a banana, take the peel,

372. some rolling paper, pop, pop, pop.

373. Doop, doop, doop.

374. La, la, la, la, la.

375. And then light it up.

376. Banana makes you smaller.

377. Banana makes you larger.

378. Dude, is it working?

379. Dude!

380. I wonder.

381. I don't think so.

382. He's just bein' all weird and not sayin' anything.

383. Wow.

384. You all right, dude?

385. Yeah.

386. Well, did it work?

387. No.

388. I knew it wasn't gonna work.

389. It's crazy that all that banana stuff happened, though.

390. - What? - What do you mean?

391. Well, I mean there were all those bananas spinning around

392. and then all those voices talking about bananas

393. and then that little banana guy came in.

394. Oh, I guess we just weren't payin' attention.

395. Yeah.

396. Man, this is stupid, drugs don't work.

397. Let's go play outside.

398. Yeah.

399. Holy shit!