1. This is hard.
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2. Tell me about it.
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3. I don't even think
these things are helping at all.
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4. That was
"Poseidon And The Devil
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5. Eating A Spaghetti Dinner."
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6. I'm tellin' you, man,
this salad tastes like pussy.
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7. What are you talkin' about?
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8. I'm talkin' about pussy.
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9. This salad
tastes exactly like pussy.
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10. Well, I don't know what pussy
you've been eatin',
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11. but the pussy I eat
don't taste like no salad.
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12. Man, I ain't sayin'
pussy tastes like salad.
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13. All I'm sayin' that this salad
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14. that I ordered tastes
like a big fuckin' pussy.
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15. Well, what kind of salad is it?
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16. What the fuck does it matter
what kind of salad it is?
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17. It's not like they got
pussy salad on the menu, huh?
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18. No, it's spinach salad,
fuck you!
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19. Well, are you sure
you didn't order
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20. a tuna salad or somethin'?
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21. Yeah, I'm sure, hot shot,
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22. but I see where
you're goin' with that.
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23. Here, try it.
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24. Well, I'll be
a shit-covered dick.
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25. This salad right here
tastes exactly like
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26. a big fuckin' pussy!
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27. Okay! Hello, hi.
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28. Um, I'm sorry to interrupt you,
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29. but I'm having dinner here
with my wife
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30. and my very, very young child.
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31. Well, I'm sorry, sir.
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32. And I don't mean to offend you
and your family,
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33. but the thing is
that we ordered this salad here
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34. and it tastes exactly
like a big, sloppy pussy.
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35. Well, I really doubt that
that's true, so.
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36. It is! It's true.
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37. Here, try it. Try it.
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38. Come on.
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39. Holy mackerel,
this does taste like pussy.
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40. Harold!
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41. I'm serious, Meredith.
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42. This tastes exactly
like a big, sloppy pussy.
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43. Try it, lady.
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44. Yeah, go ahead,
try it for yourself.
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45. I don't need to try for myself.
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46. Meredith, really.
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47. This, this is uncanny.
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48. Well?
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49. That tastes a bit like pussy.
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50. See? I told you.
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51. Yep, there it is.
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52. That's so fuckin' hot!
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53. Man, where is the waiter?
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54. What's in this salad?
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55. Now the feta tastes like feta,
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56. so it's gotta be the spinach.
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57. 'Cause the whole thing
tastes like pussy and cheese.
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58. Can I try a bite?
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59. Yeah, dig in.
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60. Where in the hell is
this waiter guy?
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61. Waiter!
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62. This salad
doesn't taste like pussy.
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63. I knew it! You are grounded,
young man.
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64. What?
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65. I knew you'd been eating pussy
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66. and now I guess all of us do.
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67. Huh?
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68. Say hello to Phil and Colin
from work.
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69. Sorry, kid. Busted.
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70. Now, how much pussy
have you been eating?
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71. I don't know.
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72. And where have you been
eating this pussy?
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73. I don't know!
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74. Where?
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75. School, the park.
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76. Kyle's house?
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77. Sometimes Kyle's house.
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78. Well, you can say goodbye
to Kyle's house.
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79. Ouch.
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80. Well, Harold, looks like our
work here is done.
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81. Hey, thanks, guys.
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82. I'll see you at work on Monday.
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83. Uh, so, Harold, uh,
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84. are you gonna help me out
with that thing
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85. with my kid tomorrow night?
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86. Yeah. What was that again?
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87. You had explained it to me,
but I didn't quite get it.
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88. You know, my kid,
he splits his time up
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89. between living
with me and my ex-wife
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90. and I, I thought, you know,
get some of the guys together.
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91. We go over her house,
dress up like ghosts,
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92. and then I throw rocks
at his windows.
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93. Then he thinks it's haunted
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94. and doesn't wanna
stay there no more.
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95. Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
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96. Yeah, fine, fine.
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97. You are watching
the Home Shopping Channel
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98. and, boy, oh boy, do we have
a treat for you guys today.
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99. We sure do, Ben.
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100. This is part of
our Celebrity Art Series.
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101. Yesterday we showed you some
of Dennis Hopper's photographs,
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102. and today we are lucky enough
to have a series
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103. of self-portraits by the one
and only Charles Manson.
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104. And these are just fantastic,
Charlene.
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105. That's Charles Manson,
of course,
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106. the infamous criminal sociopath.
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107. And uh, here we have some
drawings that he's done
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108. that were taken directly from
his cell in San Quentin.
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109. That is right, Ben.
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110. Now the first one is drawn on
a piece of notebook paper
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111. and is called "Me In The Park."
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112. There you see, uh,
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113. Mr. Manson going
for a little stroll there.
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114. We got a nice happy sun.
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115. Some birds singing a song.
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116. A lovely tree.
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117. This is just a beautiful,
beautiful piece
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118. for your home or office.
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119. That is right.
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120. And you can have it for the low,
low price of 199 dollars.
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121. That is a steal, huh!
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122. This next piece, done on the
back of a napkin,
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123. is called "Baseball Day."
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124. Huh! Looks like he's
hitting a little home run there.
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125. I think this piece is
a home run.
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126. Once again,
if you're just tuning in,
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127. we are selling self-portraits
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128. from psychopath-extraordinaire
Charles Manson.
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129. That's right, and I believe
Mr. Manson
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130. is calling in live now on
the phone
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131. from his cell in San Quentin
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132. to introduce his next piece.
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133. Charlie, we got you? Charles?
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134. Oh, hey!
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135. It sounded like there was a lady
there.
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136. That's me, Charles, nice to
meet you.
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137. It is an honor to speak with
you.
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138. What does your hair smell like?
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139. Come again, Charles?
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140. Girl, what does your hair
smell like?
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141. Whoa, oh, down boy, Charles!
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142. Uh, hey Charles, let's talk
about your next piece,
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143. why don't we?
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144. This is called uh, "Swingset."
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145. Tell me about it.
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146. This, this is me on the swings.
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147. Wow. Do you like going on
the swings, Charles?
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148. You go on the swings a lot?
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149. I, I like to swing really high
and then jump off
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150. because I can pretend that I'm
a bird.
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151. Huh! Fantastic!
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152. Uh, now, interesting piece of
trivia about you, Charles.
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153. I understand you've never
actually killed anyone.
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154. Is that correct?
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155. Yeah, that's right, I believe
you had
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156. your followers, who you had
brainwashed,
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157. uh, break into houses,
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158. and sometimes they would even
murder whole families
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159. and then write cryptic things
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160. in their own blood on the walls.
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161. That's pretty far out there,
Charles.
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162. Show the picture of me on
the boat.
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163. - Oh, the next piece, yes, ah!
- Oh, yeah, okay.
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164. This is, this is uh, written on
the back
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165. of a stretched piece of
human skin.
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166. It's called "Good Boat Day."
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167. And uh, one of my favorite
little details is right there.
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168. You can see the name of the boat
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169. is the uh, the S.S. Friendship.
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170. - I think that's great.
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171. That is so nice.
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172. Well, Charles, thank you so much
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173. for taking the time to call in.
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174. Looks like we're gonna have to
wrap things up now—
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175. I wanna sing a song.
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176. - What?
- I'm sorry,
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177. - what, Charles?
- What?
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178. I wanna sing a, a song for you.
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179. Well, I do think we, uh,
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180. maybe we have time
for a short one?
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181. - Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.
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182. I want to sing a song that
I wrote for you.
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183. Alright, Charles, I think we're
gonna have to wrap it up now.
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184. What is happening to me?
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185. What? What is going on?
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186. Charlene, what's going on?
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187. Ah! Charlene, no!
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188. Charles!
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189. Charles!
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190. It's happening to me!
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191. Stop singing! Charles!
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192. I'm peeing here, leave me alone!
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193. Leave me alone!
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194. I tried to run away from you.
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195. Oh, my God!
It came out my dick!
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196. It came out my dick!
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197. What?
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198. Ugh! I'm telling!
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199. Hi, everyone.
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200. That last sketch
was absolutely hilarious,
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201. but it brings up a good point.
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202. A camera would come out of
a woman's vagina
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203. much easier than
it would a man's penis.
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204. Hey, Greg.
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205. What?
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206. What's wrong with your kid?
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207. Nothing's wrong with him,
it's just a phase.
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208. Last week he said
Jessica Alba was hot.
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209. No, not that.
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210. I mean,
he's not movin' over there.
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211. He's movin'.
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212. No, he's not,
he's just layin' there.
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213. He has been for 20 minutes.
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214. I'm not worried about it.
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215. I don't know. Watch my kid.
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216. Hey, Jimmy! Hey, Jimmy!
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217. Jump around a bit.
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218. See, that's what little kids
are supposed to do.
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219. Hey, Chris!
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220. Hey, Chris!
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221. No, nothin'.
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222. Think your kid's
broke there, Greg.
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223. Oh, man.
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224. I told Shelly I didn't
wanna watch him today.
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225. You guys fix things?
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226. Yeah, we fix things.
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227. Oh, good.
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228. I think that's broken.
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229. It was just playing
around in the jungle gym
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230. and then it just
stopped working.
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231. We'll see what we can do.
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232. Hey, Rick,
grab me a vice grip.
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233. So you think you can fix him?
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234. We'll do what we can.
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235. Pop the hood on this guy.
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236. I might have hit him
with a rock, too.
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237. Heh, that'll happen.
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238. Ooh, boy.
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239. Yep, you might
wanna call Harvey, all right?
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240. I think he might
have another one of these.
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241. Here, you might wanna keep
these.
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242. Okay!
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243. Wait a minute,
where are the screws?
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244. Wait, those were teeth.
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245. This is a fuckin' kid, man!
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246. Yeah.
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247. Why'd you bring
your kid to a mechanic?
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248. 'Cause he's broken.
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249. He's broken or he's dead?
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250. He's broken.
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251. Well, he's definitely dead now.
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252. What?
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253. What did you do?
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254. Popped the hood!
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255. I did what I've been doin'
since I was 16 years old.
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256. I'm a mechanic.
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257. Why'd you fuckin'
bring him here?
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258. I don't know!
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259. I've never brought
anything anywhere before.
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260. Oh, God,
my wife's gonna kill me.
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261. Uh, hey, honey.
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262. Had kind of a rough day.
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263. Well, I'm pretty sure
I've got you beat.
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264. Well, I doubt that.
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265. I killed both my parents today.
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266. - Really?
- Yeah.
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267. Picked them
both up at the airport.
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268. Drove them to what
I thought was their hotel.
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269. Turns out it was
a pizza restaurant.
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270. Apparently they have those now.
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271. Oh.
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272. Yeah. Walked 'em right in.
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273. Said, "Here's your room,
Mom and Dad. Have fun!"
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274. Turns out it was a brick oven!
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275. Great job, Gloria! Bang up job.
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276. You turned both
your parents into pizzas.
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277. What was so rough about
your day?
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278. Well, uh, geez.
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279. Doesn't seem like
such a big deal now,
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280. but uh...
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281. I killed our kid.
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282. Oh, how'd you do that?
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283. Took him to a mechanic.
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284. Huh! We are a couple of
real bozos.
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285. Yep.
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286. A couple of grade-A bozos.
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287. That's us.
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288. Hi, ladies and germs,
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289. and welcome to another taping
of Timmy Talk,
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290. with me your host, Timmy.
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291. I'm just kiddin'.
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292. Well, now I'd like to
interview our first guest.
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293. He's from the TV show
The Whitest Kids U' Know,
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294. and of course, Timmy Talk.
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295. Please give a warm
round of applause for Timmy!
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296. Thanks for making
the time to be here, Timmy.
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297. Thanks for having me, Timmy.
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298. Well, his name is Mittens and
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299. - he's a tabby
- So tell me about your cat.
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300. Going on four years now.
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301. How long have you had him?
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302. Well, sometimes
that I'm in a boat out at sea
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303. and there's all these
really weird mermaids around
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304. and they have all
the food and I don't have any.
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305. - Do you have any dreams
- And then I try to jump out
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306. - about your cat, Timmy?
- and get some, but I can't swim.
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307. So then Mittens flies
down in a cape and rescues me.
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308. Ooh, that sounds scary.
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309. It is.
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310. Ooh, I'm getting goosebumps.
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311. What do you think
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312. - happens next?
- I hope something good.
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313. This is a lot of fun.
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314. That would be great.
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315. Amen to that.
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316. It's fun to hang out with
your friends.
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317. You can tell me anything, buddy.
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318. Oh, that's okay,
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319. - I do that sometimes, too.
- Timmy, can I tell you a secret?
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320. You guys, gimme my tape back!
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321. You're not supposed to see this.
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322. That would be great.
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323. It's fun to hang out
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324. - with friends.
- You guys, this is the pilot.
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325. - It's the pilot!
- A pilot!
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326. He said it was a pilot
like he's gonna
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327. give it to
a network or something.
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328. Stop it, it's not finished!
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329. Where'd you even find this?
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330. I broke into your house
and I went through your stuff.
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331. Trevor, that is so cool!
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332. - Hey.
- No, no, no, no, no, Timmy, no.
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333. - Aww.
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334. You guys are more like...
the meanest jerks.
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335. Hey, Timmy!
Timmy!
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336. You suck, Timmy!
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337. Hey, fuck you, Timmy.
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338. Just gimme all your money,
you stupid little shit!
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339. My dad has it all.
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340. Well, what do you got?
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341. Nothin', I don't have anything!
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342. Please don't kill me!
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343. What is that in your hand?
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344. Oh, this? This is nothing,
you don't want this.
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345. Ah, hey, hey! My pilot!
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346. Now I'd like to
interview my first guest.
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347. He's from the TV show
The Whitest Kids U' Know,
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348. and of course, Timmy Talk.
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349. Put your hands
together for Timmy.
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350. Hi, ladies and germs.
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351. Thanks for having me.
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352. Thanks for taking
the time to be here.
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353. My cat's name is
Mittens and he's a "Tammy."
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354. What's your cat's name?
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355. He's about uh,
four years old now.
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356. Guys, can we change the channel?
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357. This show makes me sad.
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358. Shh.
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359. Shut up, Timmy,
this show's awesome.
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360. The dream is about boating
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361. - with mermaids.
- How's he do that?
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362. Ah fuck! My dog
smoked all my pot again.
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363. You still
got that pot-smokin' dog?
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364. Yeah. What do you wanna do?
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365. Hey, I know how we can get high.
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366. I just saw this story on
the news about some kid
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367. who smoked banana peels
and he got so high that he died.
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368. Whoa!
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369. They show you how to make it?
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370. Yeah.
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371. All you gotta do is take a
banana, take the peel,
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372. some rolling paper,
pop, pop, pop.
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373. Doop, doop, doop.
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374. La, la, la, la, la.
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375. And then light it up.
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376. Banana makes you smaller.
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377. Banana makes you larger.
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378. Dude, is it working?
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379. Dude!
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380. I wonder.
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381. I don't think so.
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382. He's just bein' all weird and
not sayin' anything.
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383. Wow.
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384. You all right, dude?
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385. Yeah.
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386. Well, did it work?
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387. No.
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388. I knew it wasn't gonna work.
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389. It's crazy that all that banana
stuff happened, though.
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390. - What?
- What do you mean?
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391. Well, I mean there were all
those bananas spinning around
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392. and then all those
voices talking about bananas
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393. and then that little
banana guy came in.
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394. Oh, I guess we just
weren't payin' attention.
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395. Yeah.
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396. Man, this is stupid,
drugs don't work.
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397. Let's go play outside.
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398. Yeah.
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399. Holy shit!
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