The Whitest Kids U' Know 4x6

1. Hi, I'm Trevor.

2. And I'm Sam.

3. This year on the show,

4. we thought we'd do something really cool

5. and reach out to someone that we all admire and look up to.

6. That's right, we wrote a letter to John Cleese

7. from the legendary sketch-comedy group,

8. "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

9. It's just Monty Python.

10. Anyway, we wrote Mr. Cleese a letter

11. and asked him if he would write a sketch

12. for us to do on our show.

13. So with no further ado, we proudly present to you

14. a sketch written by John Cleese.

15. Thank you very much for your letter,

16. but, unfortunately, due to my busy schedule,

17. I won't be able to contribute anything to your show.

18. But thanks again for your interest,

19. and best of luck in all your future endeavors.

20. Sincerely, John Cleese.

21. Welcome back to Earth Planet.

22. Tonight, we take a look at the fascinating world

23. of our feathered friends, the birds.

24. Constantly moving and swirling around our globe,

25. these mammals migrate from hemisphere to hemisphere,

26. pollinating our vegetation

27. and inspiring our minds.

28. One of the more peculiar of these winged animals

29. is the Amazonian blue-feathered sandwich bird.

30. A seemingly normal bird with a majestic—

31. I got you, dude, here we go.

32. Hold on there, buddy.

33. Ugh, you good?

34. Thank you, that was a close one.

35. What was that?

36. Just a wad of black licorice.

37. Well, you really shouldn't be

38. eating black licorice while you're doing your voiceover.

39. I know, it's just so good.

40. Okay, well, back to work.

41. As its name implies, the Amazonian sandwich bird

42. is hunted down in the animal kingdom

43. as a known source of lunch.

44. Unfortunately, in the jungles of the forest,

45. danger lurks around every corner.

46. To try and camouflage themselves from predators,

47. these majestic creatures try and cover themselves—

48. - Hold on!

49. Here we go.

50. I told you to stop eating that licorice, man.

51. It's not the licorice!

52. What the? What the?

53. An alien!

54. An alien just jumped out of his chest!

55. Somebody call for help!

56. Are you— oh, my God!

57. Open the door!

58. Open the door!

59. I can't open the door, man.

60. You locked it!

61. - You locked it!

62. I'm sorry, man, we can't risk it!

63. Brian, it's me!

64. I don't wanna die!

65. For God's sake, somebody call the police!

66. I don't wanna die, Brian.

67. You're not gonna die, Mitch, help's on the way.

68. Call the police!

69. Oh, my God, Mitch!

70. Oh, no, oh no!

71. We heard reports

72. of an alien loose in the building!

73. - Holy shit! - It's a reptoid!

74. Okay, you know the drill.

75. Throw in the flash bang, burst in, get some.

76. Now, go.

77. - Flash bang.

78. Well, that should do it.

79. That's from Planet Earth, motherfucker.

80. Well, that show was fucking metal.

81. Let's pick 'em up for the new fall season.

82. Well, everyone involved with the program is dead.

83. Then let's go to lunch.

84. Helen and her boyfriend, yay.

85. I know, here he is.

86. Nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Anderson.

87. Nice to meet you.

88. The meatloaf just came out of the oven.

89. Let's go take a seat.

90. Honey, come down and meet the new boyfriend.

91. Oh yeah, Daddy was in a car accident last week

92. and had to get his mouth wired shut.

93. Oh, no, who hit him?

94. Daddy, that's racist.

95. Well, it's true.

96. Let's dig in, guys.

97. So, Brian, tell me, how did you two meet?

98. Funny story.

99. My cousin's best friend was dating

100. Denise's best friend from childhood.

101. Oh, sorry, Daddy doesn't get

102. the wire out for another week,

103. so he has to drink everything up through his nose.

104. Don't mind him.

105. So, tell me, I hear that you got

106. early acceptance into Brown next fall.

107. Oh, well, my dad and my grandfather are alumni, so.

108. - Yeah, so, so, yeah.

109. What?

110. And so you're gonna be livin' on campus

111. or are you gonna commute from Bakersfield?

112. Is that soup?

113. Yeah, that's tomato soup.

114. Oh, that's gonna...

115. Yeah.

116. Baby, no hot stuff.

117. So what does Mr. Anderson do for work?

118. He's a radio host.

119. Oh, so he hasn't been working since the accident?

120. Oh, no, no, he's been working,

121. but the ratings have been slipping.

122. So, yeah, I wanted to extend to you two

123. an invitation to my family's house this weekend,

124. because this weekend we're throwing a little party

125. for my grandmother's birthday.

126. Babe, that's too big.

127. That's too big for your nose hole.

128. Helen, what's wrong?

129. Honey, are you okay?

130. Oh, that's Morse code, that's SOS!

131. Oh, my God!

132. She's definitely not okay.

133. Oh, my God.

134. Stand back, I'm gonna give her mouth to mouth.

135. Mr. Anderson, it's not working, let me try.

136. She's gonna die!

137. Oh, my God, I knew this would happen.

138. We don't have time for this.

139. - Sweetie, your nose.

140. You broke his nose.

141. - Baby.

142. Again, I'm real sorry I broke your nose, Mr. Anderson.

143. Mmm.

144. For over 30 years,

145. author Susan Merriweather has thrilled readers

146. with her gripping series of mystery novels,

147. starting with her groundbreaking first book,

148. A is for Aggravated Homicide.

149. Then came her bone-chilling follow-up in

150. B is for Bludgeoned

151. At Mardi Gras.

152. That was her first entry

153. on the New York Times

154. bestseller list,

155. but it wouldn't be her last.

156. The very next year she released

157. C is for Crime Mystery,

158. which cracked the number-one spot.

159. Not one to rest on her laurels,

160. she soon released

161. D is for Did You See What I Did

162. With Those Last Three Books?

163. Followed by

164. E is for Every One of Them

165. Starts with a Letter Of The Alphabet!

166. That book was turned into the

167. hit TV movie of the same name.

168. Much like her next book,

169. F is for Frankly I Am Shocked

170. That You People Keep Buying These Things -

171. I Mean I'm Not Really Even Trying Anymore,

172. which brought her

173. her biggest success to date.

174. The following summer, she released

175. G is for

176. Uh... Grizzly Murder! There.

177. H is for How Long Are You Seriously

178. Going to Let Me Get Away With This?

179. I is for I'm Going To Have To Do

180. The Whole Alphabet, Aren't I?

181. J is for Jellybeans.

182. K is for Kangaroo.

183. I is for L-M-K-J-G-D-Y, Period, Three, Number Sign.

184. Then came her groundbreaking work,

185. M is for Money Means Nothing To Me Anymore!

186. This Is Tedium! I Hate This! I Hate My Life!

187. Then she released

188. N is for ...

189. There, If That Doesn't Stop You, Nothing Will!

190. Which won a Pulitzer Prize.

191. That was followed with

192. O is for Obligation...

193. Contractual Obligation.

194. The next summer, she released

195. P is for Phuck All of You.

196. Followed by Q is for Seriously, Fuck All of You.

197. And R is for R.

198. Then who could forget her classic,

199. S is for Suicide, I Contemplate it More and More Each Day.

200. Then came U is for

201. Ugggghhhhh! I Can't Wait

202. To Get To The End of This!

203. Which was followed by the prequel,

204. T is for They Realized I Skipped T

205. And They Made Me Go Back.

206. The literary world was shaken to its core

207. upon the release of her short-story anthology,

208. V, W, X, Y and Z are for

209. Vampires, Werewolves,

210. X's Y's and Z's,

211. Loophole! There! I'm Done.

212. Which was then followed by

213. Z-A is for You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me!

214. Hello! My family and I live in garbage!

215. We used to live in an apartment

216. with beds and walls and dogs and a roof!

217. But now we live in a big pile of garbage!

218. I sleep in trash and condoms!

219. Why do we live in a pile of garbage?

220. Because three weeks ago, when His Holiness

221. rode past on the great black steed,

222. somebody forgot to bow!

223. So now we have to live in a big pile of garbage!

224. I went to work smelling like a dead fish and got fired!

225. Every morning I have to wash my hands

226. with a mixture of homeless ejaculate and grease!

227. That's right! Now my wife has to

228. wash her hands with my ejaculate!

229. The kids at school won't talk to me

230. because I have bugs in my hair!

231. They call me Bugs Hair!

232. My eldest son, Nathaniel,

233. has to wait in line at the Holy Debasing Center

234. so that in three weeks on Debasing Day,

235. he can grovel at the feet of He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named

236. in the hopes that we are granted forgiveness!

237. Then maybe we can move back into our apartment

238. and fuckface over there can think of

239. some new way to ruin our lives!

240. Um, excuse me.

241. Hi. It's just that it's about 9:30

242. and we're about to open up shop,

243. so if you could just keep it down.

244. I'm talking to the cameras!

245. Right.

246. Well, all the same.

247. The king said my family and I have to live in garbage!

248. Yeah.

249. My wife has to wash her hands with my ejaculate!

250. Okay, sir, if you don't leave soon,

251. I'm gonna have to let the dog out again.

252. Oh, that motherfucka.

253. He tried to kill me, he tried to kill me.

254. Hi, hello, this is Bill from Sahara Desserts.

255. Yeah, I think you should send somebody down here.

256. He's back again.

257. And this time he's got a very little girl with him.

258. So it turns out the dog's been invisible the entire time.

259. Wait, did you just ruin the ending for me?

260. - Yeah, I did, I'm sorry, I know. - Damn.

261. Whoa, what are you doing?

262. I'm gonna set up shop here, just for a little bit.

263. I'll be outta your hair in a second.

264. What is this, some sort of art piece or somethin'?

265. Yeah, sure.

266. Well, hey, dude, I'm a bit of an artist myself.

267. Oh, yeah?

268. Yeah, I run an apple-butter operation outta my apartment.

269. That's cool.

270. Yeah, have you ever had apple butter?

271. 'Cause it's like an art.

272. You know, this kinda looks like a gun.

273. Yeah.

274. People are always asking me,

275. "What's the hardest thing about making apple butter?"

276. And it's keeping the ingredients away from your damn cat.

277. Well, the butter, anyways, cats don't eat apples.

278. That's really cool, man.

279. Yeah, it's a 50-cal.

280. I bet you get so many chicks with this thing.

281. Yeah.

282. Hey, what are you aiming at over there?

283. That girl, Courtney.

284. Why are you aiming it at her?

285. Because she is a liar.

286. Yeah, women'll lie to ya.

287. You know what won't?

288. - Courtney. - Apple butter.

289. That's why I love it so damn much.

290. Hey, Courtney, I love you.

291. So by the time I realized I'd given him

292. the wrong number, it was too late.

293. He'd already gotten back on the train.

294. I just, I can't stop thinking about this.

295. He really seemed like he was the one.

296. You wait years and years to meet that special person,

297. and then you do and it's magical,

298. and then you go and you do something idiotic

299. like giving him your old phone number out of habit.

300. And it's gone, it's gone forever.

301. And he's gonna think I was doing it on purpose.

302. He's gonna think I was snubbing him.

303. No, no, I'm sure if it was meant to be,

304. love will find a way.

305. I think you'll see him again.

306. I hope so.

307. Don't you think so, Courtney?

308. I'm done with men.

309. I think you should just lie to 'em, that's what I do.

310. Men are dogs who deserve to be fed

311. nothing but lies and dog food.

312. Just lie, lie, lie 'til the cows come home, girlfriend.

313. Courtney.

314. I'd do one better. I'd fuck his brother.

315. I'd fuck his daddy, treat him like the dog he is.

316. - Hey, Courtney. - Who's calling my name?

317. - I love you.

318. Lucy, you've got some masturbating to do.

319. Ah, oh, oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

320. Oh, I'm about to splooge.

321. Here we go.

322. Yeah, next time don't use

323. the ambulance for things like this.

324. What do you think, doc, is it cancer?

325. No, your cancer should have nothing to do with this.

326. Well, give it to me straight, doc.

327. Why is confetti coming outta my dick?

328. I don't know.

329. Have you had any abnormal sexual activity lately?

330. Gosh, no.

331. Nothing at all?

332. Nope.

333. Think really hard.

334. I'm comin' up blank.

335. I did get a hand job from a magician.

336. There you go.

337. Well, did you at least have this magician use a glove?

338. Well, we did at first, but I couldn't feel anything,

339. so he took it off, you know how you do?

340. No, I don't.

341. Well, what do I do?

342. I don't know, this is outta my level of expertise.

343. Most doctor-types only have to

344. take one semester of magic.

345. Good grief.

346. Guys, Michael Jackson just died.

347. Well, that was interesting.

348. Do you wanna talk about it?

349. I'm confused because I never cum confetti,

350. and you never used to cum confetti, and now you do,

351. so one can't help but wonder.

352. Honey, what are you saying?

353. Oh, I'm not saying anything,

354. but I'll tell you this much.

355. I sure hope nothing happened,

356. because I forgot to take my pill this morning.

357. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.

358. Doctor, this time it's an emergency.

359. You look so, so fine right now.

360. It's not me, it's her, she didn't take her pill,

361. and last night I confettied in her.

362. We have eight ambulances at this hospital.

363. There are 300,000 people in this county.

364. Would you please just check to see if she's pregnant?

365. Fine, I'll check her ultrasound.

366. If you could just insert this, please.

367. A little more.

368. And around that corner.

369. Okay, now we should be able to see what's goin' on in there.

370. Oh, no.

371. We are just three days away from the birth

372. of the world's first cum-fetti baby.

373. No one knows what it'll look like,

374. or even if it will be living,

375. but one thing's for sure,

376. we have all decided that it will be our new god.

377. I drove eight hours to be here.

378. I love cum-fetti baby, one-shot queens, woo!

379. Things are pretty exciting down here.

380. And now a Photoshopped picture of two anteaters 69ing.

381. Oh, my God, she's already crowning.

382. I knew we shouldn't have walked here.

383. Yeah, you should have called a...

384. nevermind.

385. Okay, breathe, Bridget.

386. - Uh-uh. - Bridget, breathe.

387. Bridget.

388. Breathe.

389. It's coming.

390. - Aww. - Aww.

391. Aww.

392. Well, that was anti-climactic.

393. Okay, listen up, everybody needs to

394. fill out both sides of the forms,

395. and then the attorneys are gonna come in,

396. ask each of you a couple of questions

397. and make their selection for the jury.

398. Got it? Good.

399. Hey, man, how are you gonna try to get out of this?

400. I'm not, I'm gonna do my part as a citizen.

401. This is how our legal system and government works.

402. Okay, well, you're crazy.

403. I think I'm gonna use the old "I'm a racist" routine.

404. Have fun with all this.

405. Hey, could I talk to you for a second?

406. Before we go any further with this whole

407. jury-selection thing, I'd just like to kind of go ahead

408. and take myself out of the running.

409. See, I don't wanna waste anyone's time,

410. and this is a little embarrassing,

411. but I'm from the South

412. where they have certain old-fashioned

413. ideas...

414. about...

415. equality...

416. and things.

417. Things that might pertain to this trial.

418. So just thought I'd let you know that, you know what I mean?

419. No, I don't, I have absolutely

420. no idea what you're talking about.

421. Oh, all right, I guess I'm just gonna

422. have to come out and say it.

423. Now, don't be mad, but I'm a little bit of a racist.

424. Oh, really?

425. You're a racist.

426. - Yep. - No, you're not.

427. What?

428. No, you're not.

429. Yes, I am, I'm a huge, I'm a huge racist.

430. No, you're not.

431. I am, I'm racist every day, all the time.

432. Call me the N-word.

433. What, why?

434. Call me the N-word.

435. I would.

436. I most cert— oh.

437. I would call you that so many times.

438. If you are a racist, then call me the N-word.

439. I hate your black face.

440. That's not what I said.

441. Look, man, I don't want any racists on my jury either,

442. so if you are one, just call me the N-word and you can go.

443. Okay, well.

444. Well, you, good sir,

445. certainly are...

446. one.

447. What am I one of?

448. You know.

449. Why don't you go back and fill out your forms?

450. I hate your black curly hair.

451. Are you trying to say that you hate my nappy hair?

452. Yes.

453. Huh, well that is a little bit racist.

454. Why don't you tell me some more?

455. I...

456. love slaves.

457. You love slaves?

458. ery.

459. I love slavery.

460. And what is it exactly that you love about slavery?

461. I think it's...

462. awesome that...

463. you people, not you people...

464. Yes, you people...

465. have to work for free...

466. all the time.

467. Listen, man, I don't have time for this,

468. so you have five seconds to either

469. call me the N-word and you can go

470. or sit back down and finish filling out your forms, okay?

471. Five, four, three, two—

472. Okay, okay, all right, fine.

473. You are a...

474. Ni...

475. Nay...

476. If the trial goes more than one day,

477. do we each get our own hotel room?

478. Nah, you share rooms.

479. That's fine.

480. Holy shit.