The Whitest Kids U' Know 4x8

1. - Honey, can you take out the—

2. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

3. Don't come in here, don't come in here.

4. Oh, my God.

5. Uh, hold on, wait, wait, wait.

6. Are you masturbating to baby pictures?

7. Honey, I can explain.

8. My baby pictures.

9. Oh, my God.

10. My name is Michael Moore.

11. And 34 years ago, I met and married

12. the love of my life, Candice DeGainer.

13. Things were going swell.

14. We had a nice house, great friends, and a good family.

15. Our future sure looked bright, until yesterday.

16. Almost 28 hours ago.

17. Candice didn't do the dishes.

18. This is my son, Trevor Moore.

19. He's known Candice his whole life.

20. Let's hear him describe her in his own words.

21. You like Mom, don't you?

22. Yeah. She's fine.

23. Tell me about her.

24. Um, she works at some charity, and she's cool, I guess.

25. - Cool? I guess?

26. Well, I guess it's cool to leave dishes

27. everywhere overnight and then go to work

28. the next morning without even rinsing them.

29. So... this is the sink, huh?

30. Yeah. Dad, you know that.

31. And these are the dishes.

32. Whatever...

33. Tell me, Trevor.

34. How do you feel about living in a house with dirty dishes?

35. Uh, it really doesn't bother me that much.

36. And whose job is it around here to do the dishes?

37. Usually Mom or I do 'em.

38. Dad, I don't want to be in this thing.

39. Hi, Candice. Michael Moore.

40. I have with me a chore sheet.

41. And I was wondering if you would sign up to do the dishes.

42. Michael, please.

43. Why won't you do the dishes?

44. Michael, I said I would do the dishes today.

45. It's already today.

46. Michael, I just came home from work,

47. and if you're gonna act like this,

48. I'm not gonna do the dishes at all.

49. Candice?

50. I put the dishes in front of your door.

51. Michael, go away.

52. I put the dishes in front of your door,

53. so that you can see the pain

54. and the suffering that you're causing.

55. Candice? Why won't you do the dishes?

56. I cooked the meal,

57. and I went to bed early because I had a presentation.

58. Just do the dishes, Candice.

59. Michael, do you ever think

60. about helping out around the house?

61. Or are you too busy making your stupid videos?

62. Just do the dishes!

63. No, I'm not gonna do the dishes!

64. Just do the dishes, Candice.

65. Do the dishes! Just do the dishes!

66. Do the dishes!

67. Do the dishes!

68. - Candice, do the dishes!

69. Do the dishes, Candice!

70. Candice, do the dishes!

71. - Just do the dishes, Candice— - God!

72. I'll put 'em in the washer.

73. A simple chore.

74. Shut up, Dad.

75. Good evening, and welcome to Stock Watch.

76. What a day in the markets today.

77. Stocks did very, very good.

78. Here with our weekly wrap-up is Brian Segan.

79. Take a look at this equity line.

80. And all the dividends are venturing off

81. into financial capitals,

82. overshadowing the market's commodities.

83. You know, and all these numbers

84. are gonna add up to one thing,

85. and that is that this stock market is the best thing ever.

86. It is. It really is.

87. Now, a lot of people think that the stock market

88. and the economy is always in a depression all the time.

89. But we're gonna show you how you can use that depression

90. to make a better economy for you.

91. And by following some simple, simple rules,

92. we can make sure that your own equity portfolio

93. is virtually overflowing with stock markets.

94. Steve?

95. Equity, equity, equity.

96. Equity is the name of the game today.

97. Equity's high, you gotta

98. - smash it down.

99. Equity's low, you gotta boost it high, and then you gotta

100. - smash it down again.

101. Now, Steve, a lot of people out there

102. are worried about their own equity

103. being diverse with derivatives.

104. You gotta smash

105. - those derivatives, Kyle.

106. Can I just say something, Paul?

107. I mean, can I just say something here?

108. The thing about each one of these derivatives

109. that nobody's even talking about right now

110. is that each one is full of 90 percent interest.

111. Now, Bernie, are these good interests or bad interests?

112. - This is bad interest, John.

113. I mean this is the kind of the kind of interest

114. that's ruining the stock market

115. before everybody figured out what to do with the equity.

116. And that is just the type of thing

117. we're gonna teach you when you buy

118. our new program,

119. Interest Versus Finances:

120. An Insider's Guide to the Stocks.

121. This book will make all the money you have go up so much.

122. And I tell you one thing,

123. your bank is sure gonna be glad to see you.

124. Right, Michael?

125. Your banks are probably gonna want to marry you, Jim.

126. Now take a look at these numbers.

127. Now how much money does the average person have?

128. A hundred dollars.

129. Now, what we're gonna do is take that number

130. and divide that by a hundred.

131. And what does that leave us with?

132. Zero.

133. And there's your interest.

134. I can tell you from personal experience,

135. I have five-hundred times more money today

136. than before this book was invented.

137. And that's just from using

138. the principles found in this book?

139. That's just from selling this book.

140. Now don't take it from me.

141. Listen to some of our satisfied customers.

142. - Oh, it's great.

143. I love it. Take it up fishin'.

144. See, people love it. Kyle, Norman.

145. Thanks for being here today.

146. Thank you, Rudy.

147. Interest Versus Finances:

148. An Insider's Guide to the Stocks.

149. And if you call today,

150. we'll send you a talking R2-B2 toy.

151. Hi, my name R2-B2.

152. I from outer space.

153. Okay, here's the situation.

154. It's pretty hairy.

155. Earlier today a bunch of doped-up teenagers

156. threw a bunch of assault rifles

157. into the ape habitat.

158. Now those monkeys are taking pop-shots at all the tourists.

159. Now we gotta go in there and get those guns back.

160. Oh man, this is such a real case

161. of guerrilla warfare, right guys?

162. All right, shut up.

163. Carl already said that. He said it as soon as we got here.

164. Yeah, I did actually already say that.

165. I said it right as we were getting off the truck.

166. I was like, "Oh, man, this is like guerrilla warfare."

167. Everybody laughed. It was pretty cool.

168. Man, they're really going ape over there.

169. Stop it.

170. Oh, no, Bill already said that, man.

171. Yeah, yeah.

172. I said that before we even got out of the truck.

173. As soon as I heard this thing come over the APB,

174. they were like were like, "Gorillas have guns."

175. I was like, "Uh, going ape."

176. Look, I don't care who said what first.

177. We're gonna go around back,

178. and we're gonna flank that habitat.

179. Whoa, guys.

180. Do you guys see all those gorillas in the mist over there?

181. All right, now that's just stupid. Stop it.

182. Why are they going so bananas today?

183. Stop it.

184. No, actually I already said that.

185. I said that when we were putting our boots on.

186. I think, I think Mark heard me over there.

187. Hey, Mark!

188. Well, he did hear me say it, it was awesome.

189. Whoa. It's pandemonium over there.

190. What?

191. There isn't even anything going on with the panda cage.

192. Bill.

193. Someone shot the panda!

194. See.

195. It's pandemonium!

196. Wait, I already said that.

197. Hey. I already said that.

198. Bill.

199. All right. No one else can leave.

200. Oh, man, guys.

201. Like the monkey trouble in here is so high right now.

202. Darren, leave.

203. All right, that's it.

204. I want everyone to stay focused.

205. No more puns. No more silliness.

206. No more monkey business.

207. Awww.

208. It was the summer of 1864.

209. General Ulysses S. Grant was beginning to

210. feel pressure from Washington to wrap up the war

211. before the presidential election that fall.

212. Grant had moved his cavalry units to Trevilian Station,

213. a crucial railroad hub that would help paralyze

214. the confederate city of Richmond, Virginia.

215. General Lee knew that this would be a death blow.

216. So he took half of his available units

217. and sent them to defend the station.

218. Then he sent a battalion around the Louisa Gorge

219. to try and flank General Grant

220. and capture him before the battle even began.

221. This is high stakes.

222. The war could go either way from this point.

223. On the evening of June 11th,

224. as Grant's men lay sleeping,

225. General Robert E. Lee led close to 400 men through the night

226. to the ridge behind the Union Army's camp.

227. They silently crept through a large cornfield

228. when they stumbled onto a herd of sleeping Velociraptors.

229. The carnage that ensued left 260 Confederate soldiers dead

230. and some believe tipped the battle

231. and thus the war to the North.

232. We'll return to

233. "Dinosaurs and the Civil War" only on the History Network.

234. That's great. Bravo.

235. Nicely done.

236. Uh, are we concerned at all that this didn't happen?

237. What do you mean?

238. Well, this didn't happen.

239. There were dinosaurs, and there was a civil war.

240. Not at the same time.

241. It's like we took two documentaries

242. and we put them in the same time slot.

243. Look, we work for the History Network.

244. I feel like it's our obligation to make sure

245. that some of this stuff is historically accurate.

246. Some of that stuff was historically accurate.

247. I feel like it's my obligation—

248. Well, the history professor in the show

249. seemed to think that—

250. That's another thing.

251. You are not a history professor.

252. You can't just go on TV and say that you are one.

253. I was acting like a history professor.

254. You know, I would just like to say

255. that "Dinosaurs and Baseball"

256. got us the highest ratings of last year.

257. I mean, people love this stuff.

258. Yeah. I think you're outvoted here.

259. So what were some of your ideas?

260. Well, I thought we could do a piece on the Magna Carta.

261. I mean, most everyone knows about the Magna Carta.

262. Say they didn't.

263. But not everyone knows the details

264. or the significance of the document.

265. I thought we could do a real nice six-part series on it.

266. Mm. You know, I like that idea.

267. I just feel like it's missing something.

268. Yeah. It doesn't have that oomph.

269. What if we took the Magna Carta

270. and infused it with the legend of Bigfoot?

271. Bing.

272. Know what? Never mind.

273. Okay, moving on.

274. What if we did a special called, "Prostitutes Now and Then."

275. It would take a look at the world's oldest profession

276. from the dawn of man to the future,

277. when prostitutes will be robots.

278. You know what?

279. I could have the CG department make a simulation

280. of what it would look like if one of those

281. old-timey prostitutes were totally making out

282. with one of the future-sexy-robot ones.

283. That would be great.

284. "See-Through Battle Monsters."

285. What did you just say?

286. That's my idea. "See-Through Battle Monsters."

287. You know, when I had left tenure

288. to come work here at the History Network,

289. I thought it would be different.

290. I know. Isn't it great?

291. Yeah, I thought it was gonna blow.

292. All right, as everybody knows,

293. next week is Hitler Week and this year's spin is,

294. was it really that bad?

295. Where are we with programming?

296. "Hitler versus Sharks" is almost done,

297. and I can't wait to see who wins.

298. Pressure is steady and we remain on course.

299. All right, Apollo. Try to get a good night's sleep,

300. and we'll see you in the a.m.

301. Apollo 24 signing out.

302. Okay, I'm gonna do a quick rundown

303. on those numbers and I'll hit the hay.

304. Okie-dokie artichokie.

305. Oh, oh, what the fuck?

306. Oh, oh my God.

307. Oh, you fucking got me.

308. Oh. Where did you get that?

309. That's awesome.

310. I snuck it up, I crotched it.

311. Oh, that is so fucking cool.

312. Yeah.

313. That is like the coolest thing I've ever seen.

314. Right?

315. Oh. Oh.

316. Do you wanna get Houston?

317. Oh, yes. They will freak out.

318. Oh, my God. They're gonna totally freak.

319. Okay, put that on.

320. Hey, do you think it would have been scarier

321. if I'd brought a vampire mask,

322. because I was kind of torn between this alien

323. and a cool vampire mask they had.

324. But I went with this one because, you know,

325. the eyes are scarier.

326. You didn't get the alien because we're up in...

327. Because of the...

328. Whatever. Put the, uh, put it on, go, go.

329. Here we go. Ready?

330. We're doing this. Okay.

331. All right.

332. Mission control, come in, mission control.

333. Houston, this is Apollo 24.

334. Something has gone wrong on the ship.

335. Uh, Apollo, what's the problem?

336. Something spooky is going on here, mission control.

337. Something's not right.

338. Well, what's wrong?

339. I don't think we're alone on the ship.

340. I heard something. I, I—

341. I vant to suck your blood.

342. Apollo 24's been compromised by alien forces.

343. Sender interception missile to destroy the ship.

344. Wait, what?

345. Oh.

346. What did you do?

347. What did you do?

348. We were just having a goof.

349. Were you scared?

350. What was all that stuff about destroying the ship?

351. Well, I thought you guys had been attacked by aliens,

352. so I sent a missile to destroy the ship.

353. It's protocol.

354. Well, undo it.

355. I can't undo that.

356. You seem so calm about that.

357. Yeah, have you done this before?

358. - Yeah. - What?

359. The Challenger, all the Neptune missions.

360. What Neptune missions?

361. See.

362. Ah, jeez, I can see the missile coming.

363. Ahh. Well, shit, man.

364. This plan sure backfired.

365. You know, you could've just hit command-Z

366. and it would've stopped that missile.

367. Yeah, I know. But I hated those guys.

368. I've been huntin' all my life,

369. ever since I was a little, little boy.

370. My old man and I would go out

371. and we'd hunt deer, elk, turkeys, you name it.

372. My dad never spoke much, so um,

373. those early huntin' trips, they uh, they meant a lot.

374. Started out huntin' large game,

375. but as I got older I began to hunt quicker,

376. more agile animals, smarter.

377. Look over there.

378. To take an animal's life, you have to have

379. a certain level of admiration for that animal.

380. I mean you have to love that animal.

381. That's why we hunt the most loved animal of all.

382. House cats.

383. - Did you see that? - Yeah.

384. It was a calico.

385. Do your cat call.

386. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

387. Here, kitty.

388. Did you hear that? Somebody's here.

389. Cat hunting, or "cunting" as we call it,

390. it's trickier than most people think

391. I mean, most cats we come across

392. are protected by a family of humans

393. that are equipped with phones that can call the police, so.

394. How was school today?

395. Well, good.

396. Good?

397. Yeah.

398. What did you learn?

399. Nothing.

400. Hmm? What did you learn?

401. We made shapes.

402. That's good. You put it up on the refrigerator?

403. Okay.

404. That would be good.

405. - It'd be nice. - I'm hungry, Mommy.

406. Hmm?

407. I'm hungry.

408. Do you wanna help Mommy with the sandwiches?

409. - No? - No.

410. You wanna help Mommy with sandwiches? No?

411. 'Kay. Maybe tomorrow then.

412. Welcome to my study.

413. Let's take a look around.

414. See, each one of these guys comes with their very own story.

415. This right here is a tabby from over in Oakridge,

416. which is a real nice gated community, real nice.

417. This guy, this guy right here,

418. he gave me something to remember him with.

419. See right here?

420. I ain't never forgettin' him. Ouch.

421. Oh, you gotta love the chase.

422. You have to love the chase

423. because there are gonna be some days

424. when you go home empty-handed.

425. I mean, a lot of the time we're just crawlin' around

426. suburban homes all day maybe to find one or two of 'em tops.

427. But, then, on the other hand,

428. there are some days when you luck out

429. and stumble onto a cat lady's apartment.

430. I love it. Thrill of the cunt.

431. Holy shit.