The Whitest Kids U' Know 5x1

1. - Lonely tonight?

2. Need some companionship?

3. Why not give me a call?

4. My name's Baked Beans,

5. what's yours?

6. Baked Beans.

7. Are you in the mood for erotic hand-holding?

8. Baked Beans.

9. Hey, caller, do you have a napkin?

10. - Better find one fast,

11. Baked Beans can get a little messy.

12. - Baked Beans.

13. I'm what you're looking for.

14. Sexy catchphrases.

15. I'm asleep,

16. go to town.

17. Baked Beans,

18. more sexy catchphrases.

19. - Hey, do you wanna...

20. all over me?

21. - Baked Beans.

22. I'm available for bar mitzvahs.

23. Yeah, I said it,

24. bar mitzvahs.

25. Baked Beans.

26. You must be at least this tall

27. to ride Baked Beans.

28. Psych.

29. Baked Beans.

30. I'll make you come your ass off.

31. - Baked Beans.

32. Credit cards not accepted.

33. Call today,

34. Baked Beans.

35. - Hitler!

36. - Coming, Mom!

37. It's "Little Hitler"!

38. Come on now and wash up for supper.

39. Okay, Mom,

40. me and Checkers were just playing

41. down at the creek

42. and guess what we saw?

43. A real live bullfrog!

44. Golly, it was big!

45. Oh, my lands!

46. - What's wrong, Mother?

47. The blueberry pie,

48. I put it right here on the windowsill

49. and now it's missing.

50. Don't worry,

51. I'll use my new detective kit to find it.

52. You be careful, Hitler,

53. you're a special boy!

54. Ah-hah!

55. I caught you blue-handed!

56. This is a kid-izen's arrest!

57. Okay, kid, you got me.

58. Name's Boxcar Joe,

59. I'm this town's homeless fella.

60. I'm sorry to steal a pie from your Ma,

61. but I just been so hungry lately that, well,

62. I couldn't help myself.

63. Golly, Mister,

64. I don't think anyone in this whole wide world

65. should ever have to go hungry.

66. How about this?

67. I'll take a piece for my Ma

68. and half a piece for Checkers

69. and we'll call it even.

70. Oh, well, well thanks, kid.

71. Uh, hey, say ain't you gonna want a piece for yourself?

72. No, I'm all right,

73. you need it a lot more than I do.

74. Oh, God bless you, son!

75. Hey, kid?

76. Say, what was your name anyway?

77. - Adolf Hitler, sir. - Ah!

78. My God, that's a beautiful name.

79. - Hey, whatcha crying for?

80. My dog ran away!

81. Well, don't worry,

82. me and Checkers will find him for ya.

83. You, you will?

84. Well, sure,

85. we'll round up all the neighborhood kids.

86. We'll go door to door,

87. we'll find your dog by sundown.

88. Really?

89. - You mean it? - Really,

90. - or my name isn't Adolf Hitler!

91. You're a gift, Hitler,

92. a gift from God!

93. - For organizing the community

94. to help find little Ava's lost dog

95. and for showing incredible initiative,

96. I am proud to present young Adolf Hitler

97. with the key to the city.

98. and applauding]

99. You're my hero, Hitler!

100. Aw shucks,

101. I was just doing what any kid in my position would do.

102. - God bless us everyone!

103. - Psst, hey, Hitler?

104. C'mere, I wanna show you something.

105. What is it?

106. You wanna smoke some grass?

107. Oh, I don't know.

108. C'mon, Daddy-o,

109. all the other kids our age are doing it.

110. - Really? - Yeah, really.

111. Well, I guess if everyone's doing it,

112. I'll try it just this once

113. just to see what all the fuss is about.

114. - I hate Jews!

115. Heil, Hitler!

116. Heil, Hitler, heil Hitler!

117. Okay, and that concludes the drug awareness portion

118. of the Student Safety Assembly.

119. Anybody got any questions?

120. And now it's time for our sexual education film.

121. Hey, Osama Bin Laden,

122. you wanna go to a super swinging orgy with me?

123. Well, not right now,

124. I'm busy studying about Jesus in the Bible.

125. C'mon, man,

126. - all the fly cats are doing it. - Really?

127. Everyone is having orgies?

128. Man, I don't know if I hate this class

129. or if I love it.

130. Music has been used for centuries

131. to tell the story of who we are

132. and where we've come from.

133. Time Society Books is proud to offer

134. this brand new collection,

135. "Songs Of Olden Times,"

136. a library of beautiful, elegant,

137. and folksy tunes from a simpler age,

138. an age preserved through song.

139. World-renowned classical singer

140. Luciano Perevici,

141. brings each historic tune to life

142. with the help of Broadway composer Tim Liam,

143. who for the first time has created original melodies

144. for some of the oldest written verses known to man

145. such as...

146. What better way

147. to pass on such timeless masterpieces,

148. such as, "The Family Lineage of Everyone So Far."

149. Or "God Is Angry,

150. We Must Hide In a Cave For 40 Years."

151. Call now to order

152. "Songs Of Olden Times" today.

153. - Ah, oh God!

154. - Ah, oh!

155. - Ah, ah!

156. Oh, God, I got shot.

157. All right, we'll get you outta here, buddy.

158. No, no,

159. no, this is it,

160. I think it's my time.

161. Ah, oh, God, my wife is gonna have a hard time

162. raising our two boys,

163. three dogs and one cat without me.

164. I need you to get a message to her.

165. Anything you want, man.

166. Okay, you make sure she gets this.

167. - Yeah. - Write this down.

168. - "Dearest Mathilda,

169. it is with heavy heart that I,

170. the President of the United States of America,

171. regret to inform you that your husband,

172. the bravest war hero this country has ever known,

173. - and my personal role model

174. and secret best friend was killed today"--

175. I don't think she's gonna buy this, man.

176. - You don't? - No.

177. Okay, all right,

178. start over.

179. - "My love,

180. I'm so sorry I will never get to see your face again."

181. We are writing a letter here.

182. We are writing a letter here, man!

183. "Please make sure that our boys grow up right,

184. - that the dogs get fed."

185. "And don't forget that the cat

186. has a checkup next Monday."

187. I know, he was always such a good writer.

188. "And please know in your heart

189. that I will always love you.

190. Oh, God, what is all that stuff coming out of me?

191. - What is that?

192. Put it back in, please!

193. Put it back in, Brian.

194. Oh, God, is that my stomach?

195. Is that my spleen?

196. Oh-oh-oh, oh God!

197. Ah-ah-ah!

198. I hope my wife never realizes

199. how painful this was.

200. Now all of my guts are coming out of me!

201. Wait, no, don't shoot me more!

202. - No-oo-oo-oo!

203. This is it.

204. Ah-ah-ah-ah!"

205. And then go, "Gurgle, gurgle, gasp, gasp,

206. goodbye my love"

207. and then a long, "Uh-uh-uh-uh..."

208. and that should do it.

209. You want me to write, "That should do it"?

210. No, don't write, "That should do it".

211. Hey, Bill, where did you get shot anyways?

212. Uh, I think it just bounced off my canteen.

213. I don't know, I heard something loud, though.

214. All right,

215. now you guys make sure she gets that

216. and I am off to Monaco

217. to whore it up for, I don't know,

218. the next 25 years.

219. - Peace, bitches!

220. "I am off to Monaco to whore it up for,

221. I don't know, 25 years.

222. Peace, bitches."

223. Oh, my God, what?

224. And then he stepped on a landmine and blew up.

225. I didn't know when he wanted me to stop writing.

226. Yeah, here.

227. - Hey, it's me,

228. Baked Beans.

229. I'm back and I still want your business.

230. Baked Beans.

231. If you wanna get some Baked Beans,

232. you're gonna need a can opener.

233. - What's a can opener?

234. 50 bucks.

235. Call today.

236. - Baked Beans.

237. - Hey, did you guys hear about

238. what happened to the third graders?

239. No, what?

240. Some mean bullies broke into their lockers

241. and "stoled" all their lunches.

242. Guys, you know who this sounds like a job for?

243. Ready?

244. Finger rings on!

245. The Finger Ring Friends!

246. Pint-sized heroes who use the power

247. of their magical finger rings for justice.

248. Whoa! Cool!

249. Now, if you love "Finger Ring Friends"

250. you've probably always wanted

251. to be a Finger Ring yourself.

252. - Well, now you can.

253. Mine's a magic marker!

254. Mine's a flashlight.

255. Mine smells like cinnamon,

256. - smell.

257. Each kit comes with three rings,

258. each with their own abilities.

259. You could give your mom a surprise finger ring,

260. you could give a stranger a finger ring,

261. you could even give the dog a finger ring.

262. Now your favorite show can go wherever you do.

263. You can be finger-ring friends in gym class,

264. finger-ring friends at parties,

265. and even finger-ring friends

266. in the backseat of the family car.

267. So get a-moving

268. and get a finger ring!

269. - "Finger Ring Friends"!

270. - Hey, how ya doing?

271. You a cop?

272. Confidential as hell.

273. I won't bite, unless I feel trapped.

274. - Call today.

275. And now, "A Whitest Kids U' Know"

276. feature presentation.

277. In the year 1861,

278. the tensions between the Northern and Southern states

279. were at an all-time high.

280. Enraged by perceived unjust taxation,

281. the South saw itself

282. as the victims of Northern extortion.

283. The North struggled desperately

284. to keep the young nation intact

285. as our forefathers had envisioned.

286. The threat of violence loomed

287. no longer as a possibility,

288. but as a certainty.

289. No one knew where,

290. no one knew when,

291. but war was coming.

292. - "The Civil War On Drugs."

293. Remember, class, read your Nietzsche,

294. - read your Nietzsche.

295. Oh, Sam, you've forgotten your book,

296. there you go.

297. Yoink.

298. Okay, and you've forgotten it again.

299. Uh, Sam?

300. Sam, Sam, you know,

301. I can't help but notice

302. that this is your thirteenth stab at the fifth grade,

303. and I'm just wondering if something is wrong.

304. Well, maybe I don't give a shit about school.

305. Ah, okay, okay.

306. Ah, tell me, Sam, is there anything

307. that you give a shit about?

308. - Hmm.

309. Well, I guess I kinda like math.

310. Really?

311. Sam, that's amazing!

312. - We could always— - Psych!

313. Okay, okay, Sam,

314. uh, excuse me,

315. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you

316. not to return to school anymore.

317. So... I, like, graduated?

318. You failed, Sam.

319. What's the difference?

320. Just don't come back to school.

321. Whatever.

322. - Suck it, nerd.

323. You stupid, stupid boy.

324. - Ha, ha!

325. Thrust and parry, son,

326. thrust and parry!

327. - Ha! - Dude,

328. - Dad, I don't wanna do this.

329. It's like 11:00 in the morning.

330. Oh, come now, son,

331. I'm training you to be a real man!

332. Now bounce like I do,

333. en garde! Ha-ha!

334. - Sometimes—

335. You're not bouncing!

336. - C'mon, bounce like this.

337. - Ha-ha, ha-ha!

338. - What's up, Trevor? - Ha!

339. Hey, Sam.

340. Samuel, to what do we owe the pleasure?

341. - Ah, ah-ah!

342. Ah, ah, ah-ah!

343. Oh, oh-oh, good form, son,

344. you've taught me to never let my guard down,

345. even against my own child.

346. And that is bleeding, ha!

347. Well, off to the doctor, I suppose.

348. Good day, kids.

349. - Oh.

350. Oh.

351. - Your dad's such a nerd. - Yeah.

352. Got fired from school today.

353. Oh, that's cool.

354. Hey, you wanna go get wasted

355. and check out the Johnsons' new slave?

356. Yeah!

357. Wow, his hair looks crazy.

358. Yeah, it looks like he's got a spider on his head.

359. Oh, shit, I think he sees us!

360. - Oh.

361. Oh, he's coming over here.

362. - What are we gonna do? - Where's my sword?

363. How you little white boys doing?

364. Hi.

365. Would any of you have a match?

366. Hmm.

367. So, what are you doing?

368. Workin' my ass off!

369. Um, I, I, I'm sorry,

370. uh, please forgive me,

371. but I, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you

372. to stop distracting my slave.

373. You see, it's almost the end of harvest

374. and we are a bit understaffed as of late,

375. so really, I just need everyone

376. working at full capacity,

377. so I, I, I hope you understand.

378. !

379. I didn't buy you to socialize!

380. I bought you to work your ass off

381. in my field!

382. I swear to God,

383. if I catch you slacking off one more time,

384. I'll shove a big—

385. Mr. Johnson, why don't you just chill out?

386. - He's just taking a break. - Yeah.

387. Bless your souls,

388. you don't understand.

389. You see, I have three more fields to work

390. before the month is out

391. and I can't spare one poor moment

392. to bad time management,

393. I, I, I hope you understand.

394. Did you get a haircut?

395. you, you, you!

396. Where in the did you get the idea

397. that you could just lollygag over here

398. and just flap your gums

399. at these two nice young boys?

400. It's okay.

401. It is okay,

402. see you in church.

403. I hate white people.

404. Yeah, that guy's a dick.

405. He took me from me home and my family

406. and brought me in chains here to this Babylon

407. where me work like a dog.

408. Yeah, my teacher was white,

409. she was always making me do dumb shit.

410. Took me from me children,

411. now I have two boys who have no father.

412. Yeah, my dad's always trying to make me

413. be a fancy gentleman,

414. we're pretty much in the same boat.

415. Me ask God "when,

416. when you gonna strike down these white people?"

417. Yeah, that'd be rad.

418. Yeah, if God was just like, "Suck it."

419. Suck it, white people.

420. - Suck a dick.

421. Me name's Bob.

422. Hey, you wanna get faced with us?

423. This is where I stay.

424. Cool, bunk beds!

425. Have a seat.

426. So, you got any cups?

427. We could play quarters.

428. Nah-nah,

429. me not drink none of that devil's juice.

430. What?

431. I thought we came here to get ripped.

432. Why have I never heard of this before?

433. This is amazing.

434. I wanna feel like this forever.

435. A gift from me to you.

436. Whoa.

437. Are you sure?

438. I have plenty,

439. I planted a bed out back.

440. This stuff grows like weeds.

441. Wait, am I,

442. am I not being cool?

443. What?

444. No, you're being cool.

445. Oh.

446. What?

447. What am I, am I not being cool?

448. What?

449. Am I not being cool right now?

450. It's okay,

451. everybody's being cool.

452. Am I not being cool?

453. Next on "The Civil War on Drugs."

454. They're doing it!

455. Then all of a sudden our clothes fall off.

456. That dude was stoned.

457. When is God gonna tell white people to suck it?

458. His arm's infected.

459. What?

460. "The Civil War On Drugs."

461. Holy shit!

462. Okay, just leave,

463. leave that.