1. - Lonely tonight?
Copy !req
2. Need some companionship?
Copy !req
3. Why not give me a call?
Copy !req
4. My name's Baked Beans,
Copy !req
5. what's yours?
Copy !req
6. Baked Beans.
Copy !req
7. Are you in the mood
for erotic hand-holding?
Copy !req
8. Baked Beans.
Copy !req
9. Hey, caller,
do you have a napkin?
Copy !req
10. - Better find one fast,
Copy !req
11. Baked Beans
can get a little messy.
Copy !req
12. - Baked Beans.
Copy !req
13. I'm what you're looking for.
Copy !req
14. Sexy catchphrases.
Copy !req
15. I'm asleep,
Copy !req
16. go to town.
Copy !req
17. Baked Beans,
Copy !req
18. more sexy catchphrases.
Copy !req
19. - Hey, do you wanna...
Copy !req
20. all over me?
Copy !req
21. - Baked Beans.
Copy !req
22. I'm available for bar mitzvahs.
Copy !req
23. Yeah, I said it,
Copy !req
24. bar mitzvahs.
Copy !req
25. Baked Beans.
Copy !req
26. You must be at least this tall
Copy !req
27. to ride Baked Beans.
Copy !req
28. Psych.
Copy !req
29. Baked Beans.
Copy !req
30. I'll make you come your ass off.
Copy !req
31. - Baked Beans.
Copy !req
32. Credit cards not accepted.
Copy !req
33. Call today,
Copy !req
34. Baked Beans.
Copy !req
35. - Hitler!
Copy !req
36. - Coming, Mom!
Copy !req
37. It's "Little Hitler"!
Copy !req
38. Come on now and
wash up for supper.
Copy !req
39. Okay, Mom,
Copy !req
40. me and Checkers
were just playing
Copy !req
41. down at the creek
Copy !req
42. and guess what we saw?
Copy !req
43. A real live bullfrog!
Copy !req
44. Golly, it was big!
Copy !req
45. Oh, my lands!
Copy !req
46. - What's wrong, Mother?
Copy !req
47. The blueberry pie,
Copy !req
48. I put it right
here on the windowsill
Copy !req
49. and now it's missing.
Copy !req
50. Don't worry,
Copy !req
51. I'll use my new
detective kit to find it.
Copy !req
52. You be careful, Hitler,
Copy !req
53. you're a special boy!
Copy !req
54. Ah-hah!
Copy !req
55. I caught you blue-handed!
Copy !req
56. This is a kid-izen's arrest!
Copy !req
57. Okay, kid, you got me.
Copy !req
58. Name's Boxcar Joe,
Copy !req
59. I'm this town's homeless fella.
Copy !req
60. I'm sorry to steal
a pie from your Ma,
Copy !req
61. but I just been so
hungry lately that, well,
Copy !req
62. I couldn't help myself.
Copy !req
63. Golly, Mister,
Copy !req
64. I don't think anyone
in this whole wide world
Copy !req
65. should ever have to go hungry.
Copy !req
66. How about this?
Copy !req
67. I'll take a piece for my Ma
Copy !req
68. and half a piece for Checkers
Copy !req
69. and we'll call it even.
Copy !req
70. Oh, well, well thanks, kid.
Copy !req
71. Uh, hey, say ain't you gonna
want a piece for yourself?
Copy !req
72. No, I'm all right,
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73. you need it
a lot more than I do.
Copy !req
74. Oh, God bless you, son!
Copy !req
75. Hey, kid?
Copy !req
76. Say, what was your name anyway?
Copy !req
77. - Adolf Hitler, sir.
- Ah!
Copy !req
78. My God, that's a beautiful name.
Copy !req
79. - Hey, whatcha crying for?
Copy !req
80. My dog ran away!
Copy !req
81. Well, don't worry,
Copy !req
82. me and Checkers
will find him for ya.
Copy !req
83. You, you will?
Copy !req
84. Well, sure,
Copy !req
85. we'll round up all
the neighborhood kids.
Copy !req
86. We'll go door to door,
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87. we'll find your dog by sundown.
Copy !req
88. Really?
Copy !req
89. - You mean it?
- Really,
Copy !req
90. - or my name isn't Adolf Hitler!
Copy !req
91. You're a gift, Hitler,
Copy !req
92. a gift from God!
Copy !req
93. - For organizing the community
Copy !req
94. to help find
little Ava's lost dog
Copy !req
95. and for showing
incredible initiative,
Copy !req
96. I am proud to
present young Adolf Hitler
Copy !req
97. with the key to the city.
Copy !req
98. and applauding]
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99. You're my hero, Hitler!
Copy !req
100. Aw shucks,
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101. I was just doing what any kid
in my position would do.
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102. - God bless us everyone!
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103. - Psst, hey, Hitler?
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104. C'mere, I wanna
show you something.
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105. What is it?
Copy !req
106. You wanna smoke some grass?
Copy !req
107. Oh, I don't know.
Copy !req
108. C'mon, Daddy-o,
Copy !req
109. all the other kids
our age are doing it.
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110. - Really?
- Yeah, really.
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111. Well, I guess if
everyone's doing it,
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112. I'll try it just this once
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113. just to see what
all the fuss is about.
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114. - I hate Jews!
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115. Heil, Hitler!
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116. Heil, Hitler, heil Hitler!
Copy !req
117. Okay, and that concludes
the drug awareness portion
Copy !req
118. of the Student Safety Assembly.
Copy !req
119. Anybody got any questions?
Copy !req
120. And now it's time for
our sexual education film.
Copy !req
121. Hey, Osama Bin Laden,
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122. you wanna go to a super
swinging orgy with me?
Copy !req
123. Well, not right now,
Copy !req
124. I'm busy studying
about Jesus in the Bible.
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125. C'mon, man,
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126. - all the fly cats are doing it.
- Really?
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127. Everyone is having orgies?
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128. Man, I don't
know if I hate this class
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129. or if I love it.
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130. Music has been
used for centuries
Copy !req
131. to tell the story of who we are
Copy !req
132. and where we've come from.
Copy !req
133. Time Society Books
is proud to offer
Copy !req
134. this brand new collection,
Copy !req
135. "Songs Of Olden Times,"
Copy !req
136. a library of beautiful, elegant,
Copy !req
137. and folksy tunes
from a simpler age,
Copy !req
138. an age preserved through song.
Copy !req
139. World-renowned classical singer
Copy !req
140. Luciano Perevici,
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141. brings each
historic tune to life
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142. with the help of
Broadway composer Tim Liam,
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143. who for the first time
has created original melodies
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144. for some of the oldest
written verses known to man
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145. such as...
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146. What better way
Copy !req
147. to pass on such
timeless masterpieces,
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148. such as, "The Family
Lineage of Everyone So Far."
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149. Or "God Is Angry,
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150. We Must Hide In a Cave For
40 Years."
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151. Call now to order
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152. "Songs Of Olden Times" today.
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153. - Ah, oh God!
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154. - Ah, oh!
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155. - Ah, ah!
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156. Oh, God, I got shot.
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157. All right, we'll get
you outta here, buddy.
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158. No, no,
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159. no, this is it,
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160. I think it's my time.
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161. Ah, oh, God, my wife
is gonna have a hard time
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162. raising our two boys,
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163. three dogs and one cat
without me.
Copy !req
164. I need you to
get a message to her.
Copy !req
165. Anything you want, man.
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166. Okay, you make
sure she gets this.
Copy !req
167. - Yeah.
- Write this down.
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168. - "Dearest Mathilda,
Copy !req
169. it is with heavy heart that I,
Copy !req
170. the President of
the United States of America,
Copy !req
171. regret to inform you that
your husband,
Copy !req
172. the bravest war hero
this country has ever known,
Copy !req
173. - and my personal role model
Copy !req
174. and secret best
friend was killed today"--
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175. I don't think she's
gonna buy this, man.
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176. - You don't?
- No.
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177. Okay, all right,
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178. start over.
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179. - "My love,
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180. I'm so sorry I will never
get to see your face again."
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181. We are writing a letter here.
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182. We are writing a letter here,
man!
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183. "Please make sure
that our boys grow up right,
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184. - that the dogs get fed."
Copy !req
185. "And don't forget that the cat
Copy !req
186. has a checkup next Monday."
Copy !req
187. I know, he was
always such a good writer.
Copy !req
188. "And please know in your heart
Copy !req
189. that I will always love you.
Copy !req
190. Oh, God, what is all
that stuff coming out of me?
Copy !req
191. - What is that?
Copy !req
192. Put it back in, please!
Copy !req
193. Put it back in, Brian.
Copy !req
194. Oh, God, is that my stomach?
Copy !req
195. Is that my spleen?
Copy !req
196. Oh-oh-oh, oh God!
Copy !req
197. Ah-ah-ah!
Copy !req
198. I hope my wife never realizes
Copy !req
199. how painful this was.
Copy !req
200. Now all of my guts
are coming out of me!
Copy !req
201. Wait, no, don't shoot me more!
Copy !req
202. - No-oo-oo-oo!
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203. This is it.
Copy !req
204. Ah-ah-ah-ah!"
Copy !req
205. And then go,
"Gurgle, gurgle, gasp, gasp,
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206. goodbye my love"
Copy !req
207. and then a long,
"Uh-uh-uh-uh..."
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208. and that should do it.
Copy !req
209. You want me to write,
"That should do it"?
Copy !req
210. No, don't write,
"That should do it".
Copy !req
211. Hey, Bill, where did
you get shot anyways?
Copy !req
212. Uh, I think it just
bounced off my canteen.
Copy !req
213. I don't know,
I heard something loud, though.
Copy !req
214. All right,
Copy !req
215. now you guys
make sure she gets that
Copy !req
216. and I am off to Monaco
Copy !req
217. to whore it up
for, I don't know,
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218. the next 25 years.
Copy !req
219. - Peace, bitches!
Copy !req
220. "I am off to Monaco to
whore it up for,
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221. I don't know, 25 years.
Copy !req
222. Peace, bitches."
Copy !req
223. Oh, my God, what?
Copy !req
224. And then he stepped
on a landmine and blew up.
Copy !req
225. I didn't know when
he wanted me to stop writing.
Copy !req
226. Yeah, here.
Copy !req
227. - Hey, it's me,
Copy !req
228. Baked Beans.
Copy !req
229. I'm back and I still
want your business.
Copy !req
230. Baked Beans.
Copy !req
231. If you wanna get
some Baked Beans,
Copy !req
232. you're gonna need a can opener.
Copy !req
233. - What's a can opener?
Copy !req
234. 50 bucks.
Copy !req
235. Call today.
Copy !req
236. - Baked Beans.
Copy !req
237. - Hey, did you guys hear about
Copy !req
238. what happened
to the third graders?
Copy !req
239. No, what?
Copy !req
240. Some mean bullies
broke into their lockers
Copy !req
241. and "stoled" all their lunches.
Copy !req
242. Guys, you know
who this sounds like a job for?
Copy !req
243. Ready?
Copy !req
244. Finger rings on!
Copy !req
245. The Finger Ring Friends!
Copy !req
246. Pint-sized heroes
who use the power
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247. of their magical
finger rings for justice.
Copy !req
248. Whoa! Cool!
Copy !req
249. Now, if you love
"Finger Ring Friends"
Copy !req
250. you've probably always wanted
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251. to be a Finger Ring yourself.
Copy !req
252. - Well, now you can.
Copy !req
253. Mine's a magic marker!
Copy !req
254. Mine's a flashlight.
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255. Mine smells like cinnamon,
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256. - smell.
Copy !req
257. Each kit
comes with three rings,
Copy !req
258. each with their own
abilities.
Copy !req
259. You could give
your mom a surprise finger ring,
Copy !req
260. you could
give a stranger a finger ring,
Copy !req
261. you could even
give the dog a finger ring.
Copy !req
262. Now your favorite show can go
wherever you do.
Copy !req
263. You can be finger-ring friends
in gym class,
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264. finger-ring friends at parties,
Copy !req
265. and even finger-ring friends
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266. in the backseat
of the family car.
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267. So get a-moving
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268. and get a finger ring!
Copy !req
269. - "Finger Ring Friends"!
Copy !req
270. - Hey, how ya doing?
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271. You a cop?
Copy !req
272. Confidential as hell.
Copy !req
273. I won't bite,
unless I feel trapped.
Copy !req
274. - Call today.
Copy !req
275. And now,
"A Whitest Kids U' Know"
Copy !req
276. feature presentation.
Copy !req
277. In the year 1861,
Copy !req
278. the tensions between
the Northern and Southern states
Copy !req
279. were at an all-time high.
Copy !req
280. Enraged by
perceived unjust taxation,
Copy !req
281. the South saw itself
Copy !req
282. as the victims of
Northern extortion.
Copy !req
283. The North struggled desperately
Copy !req
284. to keep the young nation intact
Copy !req
285. as our forefathers
had envisioned.
Copy !req
286. The threat of violence loomed
Copy !req
287. no longer as a possibility,
Copy !req
288. but as a certainty.
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289. No one knew where,
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290. no one knew when,
Copy !req
291. but war was coming.
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292. - "The Civil War On Drugs."
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293. Remember, class,
read your Nietzsche,
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294. - read your Nietzsche.
Copy !req
295. Oh, Sam, you've
forgotten your book,
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296. there you go.
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297. Yoink.
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298. Okay, and
you've forgotten it again.
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299. Uh, Sam?
Copy !req
300. Sam, Sam, you know,
Copy !req
301. I can't help but notice
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302. that this is your thirteenth
stab at the fifth grade,
Copy !req
303. and I'm just wondering if
something is wrong.
Copy !req
304. Well, maybe I don't
give a shit about school.
Copy !req
305. Ah, okay, okay.
Copy !req
306. Ah, tell me,
Sam, is there anything
Copy !req
307. that you give a shit about?
Copy !req
308. - Hmm.
Copy !req
309. Well, I guess I kinda like math.
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310. Really?
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311. Sam, that's amazing!
Copy !req
312. - We could always—
- Psych!
Copy !req
313. Okay, okay, Sam,
Copy !req
314. uh, excuse me,
Copy !req
315. I'm afraid I'm
going to have to ask you
Copy !req
316. not to return to school anymore.
Copy !req
317. So... I, like, graduated?
Copy !req
318. You failed, Sam.
Copy !req
319. What's the difference?
Copy !req
320. Just don't come back to school.
Copy !req
321. Whatever.
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322. - Suck it, nerd.
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323. You stupid, stupid boy.
Copy !req
324. - Ha, ha!
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325. Thrust and parry, son,
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326. thrust and parry!
Copy !req
327. - Ha!
- Dude,
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328. - Dad, I don't wanna do this.
Copy !req
329. It's like 11:00 in the morning.
Copy !req
330. Oh, come now, son,
Copy !req
331. I'm training
you to be a real man!
Copy !req
332. Now bounce like I do,
Copy !req
333. en garde! Ha-ha!
Copy !req
334. - Sometimes—
Copy !req
335. You're not bouncing!
Copy !req
336. - C'mon, bounce like this.
Copy !req
337. - Ha-ha, ha-ha!
Copy !req
338. - What's up, Trevor?
- Ha!
Copy !req
339. Hey, Sam.
Copy !req
340. Samuel, to what do we owe
the pleasure?
Copy !req
341. - Ah, ah-ah!
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342. Ah, ah, ah-ah!
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343. Oh, oh-oh, good form, son,
Copy !req
344. you've taught me to
never let my guard down,
Copy !req
345. even against my own child.
Copy !req
346. And that is bleeding, ha!
Copy !req
347. Well, off to the doctor,
I suppose.
Copy !req
348. Good day, kids.
Copy !req
349. - Oh.
Copy !req
350. Oh.
Copy !req
351. - Your dad's such a nerd.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
352. Got fired from school today.
Copy !req
353. Oh, that's cool.
Copy !req
354. Hey, you wanna go get wasted
Copy !req
355. and check out
the Johnsons' new slave?
Copy !req
356. Yeah!
Copy !req
357. Wow, his hair looks crazy.
Copy !req
358. Yeah, it looks like he's
got a spider on his head.
Copy !req
359. Oh, shit, I think he sees us!
Copy !req
360. - Oh.
Copy !req
361. Oh, he's coming over here.
Copy !req
362. - What are we gonna do?
- Where's my sword?
Copy !req
363. How you little white boys doing?
Copy !req
364. Hi.
Copy !req
365. Would any of you have a match?
Copy !req
366. Hmm.
Copy !req
367. So, what are you doing?
Copy !req
368. Workin' my ass off!
Copy !req
369. Um, I, I, I'm sorry,
Copy !req
370. uh, please forgive me,
Copy !req
371. but I, I'm afraid I'm
going to have to ask you
Copy !req
372. to stop distracting my slave.
Copy !req
373. You see,
it's almost the end of harvest
Copy !req
374. and we are a bit
understaffed as of late,
Copy !req
375. so really, I just need everyone
Copy !req
376. working at full capacity,
Copy !req
377. so I, I, I hope you understand.
Copy !req
378. !
Copy !req
379. I didn't buy you to
socialize!
Copy !req
380. I bought you to
work your ass off
Copy !req
381. in my field!
Copy !req
382. I swear to God,
Copy !req
383. if I catch you slacking off
one more time,
Copy !req
384. I'll shove a big—
Copy !req
385. Mr. Johnson,
why don't you just chill out?
Copy !req
386. - He's just taking a break.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
387. Bless your souls,
Copy !req
388. you don't understand.
Copy !req
389. You see, I have
three more fields to work
Copy !req
390. before the month is out
Copy !req
391. and I can't spare
one poor moment
Copy !req
392. to bad time management,
Copy !req
393. I, I, I hope you understand.
Copy !req
394. Did you get a haircut?
Copy !req
395. you,
you, you!
Copy !req
396. Where in the
did you get the idea
Copy !req
397. that you could
just lollygag over here
Copy !req
398. and just flap your gums
Copy !req
399. at these two nice young boys?
Copy !req
400. It's okay.
Copy !req
401. It is okay,
Copy !req
402. see you in church.
Copy !req
403. I hate white people.
Copy !req
404. Yeah, that guy's a dick.
Copy !req
405. He took me from
me home and my family
Copy !req
406. and brought me in chains here
to this Babylon
Copy !req
407. where me work like a dog.
Copy !req
408. Yeah, my teacher was white,
Copy !req
409. she was always
making me do dumb shit.
Copy !req
410. Took me from me children,
Copy !req
411. now I have two boys
who have no father.
Copy !req
412. Yeah, my dad's
always trying to make me
Copy !req
413. be a fancy gentleman,
Copy !req
414. we're pretty much
in the same boat.
Copy !req
415. Me ask God "when,
Copy !req
416. when you gonna strike down
these white people?"
Copy !req
417. Yeah, that'd be rad.
Copy !req
418. Yeah, if God was just like,
"Suck it."
Copy !req
419. Suck it, white people.
Copy !req
420. - Suck a dick.
Copy !req
421. Me name's Bob.
Copy !req
422. Hey, you wanna
get faced with us?
Copy !req
423. This is where I stay.
Copy !req
424. Cool, bunk beds!
Copy !req
425. Have a seat.
Copy !req
426. So, you got any cups?
Copy !req
427. We could play quarters.
Copy !req
428. Nah-nah,
Copy !req
429. me not drink
none of that devil's juice.
Copy !req
430. What?
Copy !req
431. I thought
we came here to get ripped.
Copy !req
432. Why have I never
heard of this before?
Copy !req
433. This is amazing.
Copy !req
434. I wanna feel like this forever.
Copy !req
435. A gift from me to you.
Copy !req
436. Whoa.
Copy !req
437. Are you sure?
Copy !req
438. I have plenty,
Copy !req
439. I planted a bed out back.
Copy !req
440. This stuff grows like weeds.
Copy !req
441. Wait, am I,
Copy !req
442. am I not being cool?
Copy !req
443. What?
Copy !req
444. No, you're being cool.
Copy !req
445. Oh.
Copy !req
446. What?
Copy !req
447. What am I, am I not being cool?
Copy !req
448. What?
Copy !req
449. Am I not being cool right now?
Copy !req
450. It's okay,
Copy !req
451. everybody's being cool.
Copy !req
452. Am I not being cool?
Copy !req
453. Next on
"The Civil War on Drugs."
Copy !req
454. They're doing it!
Copy !req
455. Then all of a sudden
our clothes fall off.
Copy !req
456. That dude was stoned.
Copy !req
457. When is God gonna
tell white people to suck it?
Copy !req
458. His arm's infected.
Copy !req
459. What?
Copy !req
460. "The Civil War On Drugs."
Copy !req
461. Holy shit!
Copy !req
462. Okay, just leave,
Copy !req
463. leave that.
Copy !req