The Whitest Kids U' Know 5x10

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It Was Pretty Good Mom Phone Sophomoores Civil War on Drugs Part 10

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1. Hello?

2. Hi, Sam is your mom— - Oh, hey, Mrs. Carla,

3. hold on one second.

4. Mom, phone!

5. Mom! Phone!

6. Mom, phone!

7. Mom!

8. Mom!

9. Mom, there's a telephone call for you!

10. Mom!

11. Mom, the phone is for you.

12. Mother!

13. Mother, there's a phone call for you!

14. Mom, there's a phone call!

15. Mom! Mom! Mom! Phone.

16. What?

17. There's a phone call for you.

18. Jeez, I was at the store.

19. Whatever.

20. Good evening and welcome to the evening news.

21. For those of you just tuning in,

22. you may notice that my co-anchor

23. for the last 15 years is absent.

24. Yesterday's broadcast was Sheila Jeffries'

25. last before her retirement.

26. Sheila was a good friend and a sound reporter,

27. the likes of which come by far too rarely.

28. We wish her a happy and a healthy retirement.

29. And with that, we move on to our next piece of business.

30. We'd like to welcome to the KCTV family,

31. my new co-anchor, Tiffani, with an I.

32. Thank you.

33. It is an honor, so to speak,

34. and proud to serve as your news anchorwoman

35. for all your TV needs.

36. Okay, now, Tiffani, something interesting

37. that I just learned was that you

38. skipped journalism school altogether, didn't you?

39. Thank you.

40. Well, I'm not going to pretend to understand

41. how they hire telejournalists nowadays,

42. - but I'll just assume— - The newsman.

43. The newsman came to my modeling agency.

44. Okay, moving on to our first story of the evening.

45. Republicans and Democrats are still

46. locked into a bitter feud over the approval

47. of Supreme Court Justice Nominee Andrew Baker.

48. With us live in Washington is another new face

49. to our station, Skyler Jensen.

50. Skyler, today was a very intense day

51. of debate there in the capital,

52. culminating with an emotional speech

53. from potential Justice Baker.

54. What was your take on the speech?

55. Um,

56. it was pretty good.

57. I mean, uh, he came out and he said a lot of stuff

58. and everybody listened to him and it was pretty good.

59. It was pretty good.

60. Okay.

61. Well, how did the Republicans receive Baker's speech?

62. Uh...

63. It was pretty good.

64. I mean, they seemed to, like, be like, "Wow."

65. I mean, like, so it was pretty good.

66. So the reception of the speech was pretty good?

67. Oh yeah, I said that.

68. Skyler Jensen is in Washington DC.

69. Hold on there, Tiffani, I still have some questions

70. for our intrepid reporter here.

71. Now, Skyler, up until this evening,

72. the Republicans were threatening a filibuster

73. if the Democrats were to go ahead with this nominee.

74. Are you saying that Baker's speech may win them over?

75. Um, well...

76. it's pretty good.

77. I mean, yeah, I mean, it was pretty, it was pretty good.

78. That's it, I can't take any more of this.

79. Sheila had the right idea.

80. I'm done, I'm retiring.

81. No, stay, you're so funny.

82. No, no, no, no, no, I will not be party

83. to the death of broadcast journalism.

84. They just keep making more and more compromises

85. and these newscasts just get worse and worse.

86. Oh, no, dude, stay, you are pretty good.

87. No, no, no, I'm outta here, I've had it.

88. Good luck, America!

89. The old guy from the news, everyone.

90. And now in our next news piece,

91. the United Nations is very sad to say

92. that it is time for everyone to put sanctions on Iran.

93. Skyler, what is your opinion on this matter?

94. Well, I mean, that's pretty good.

95. Have you seen the ratings on this?

96. They're through the roof.

97. Zoom in on her so you can't tell if she's wearing clothes.

98. Lately it seems like everybody in Texas

99. is very mad with everyone in Mexico.

100. Skyler, why is immigration such a—a hot button

101. with today's youth of Texas?

102. That's pretty good, but I dunno.

103. Previously on "The Civil War on Drugs."

104. Tim, you know, I can't help but notice

105. that this is your 13th stab at the fifth grade.

106. Got fired from school today.

107. Dad, I don't wanna do this.

108. Come now, son, I'm training you to be a real man.

109. Samuel, to what do we owe the pleasure?

110. And that is bleeding.

111. Looks like your infection somehow got infected.

112. Hey, you wanna go get wasted

113. and check out the Johnsons' new slave?

114. Cocksucker, I didn't buy you to socialize.

115. Hey, you wanna get faced with us?

116. Say, you got any cups?

117. Me not drink none of that devil's juice.

118. I thought we came here to get ripped.

119. We're seceding.

120. Succeeding at what?

121. The Union flag is illegal.

122. We just made that illegal.

123. - Get 'em!

124. We're gonna throw a demonstration this weekend

125. to try to keep the weed stuff legal.

126. If this protest goes well,

127. we're gonna have to keep the momentum going.

128. These people really care about that weed stuff.

129. Here's a flyer on weed awareness.

130. Union or Confederate?

131. What?

132. Battalion is currently under the command

133. of General Robert E. Lee, sir.

134. Who's the girl brains here?

135. Don't call me girl brains.

136. Today was supposed to be about gettin' a bunch

137. of like-minded people together, doin' a little blazing,

138. and uniting people against the white man.

139. You still don't have to kill people.

140. You go and you talk to Abraham Lincoln.

141. Against my better judgment, I'm gonna put you two

142. in charge of a small battalion of men.

143. These are our new commanders.

144. My name is Doug and I can cut a rug.

145. Local boys become Confederate heroes.

146. I want these boys dead.

147. What the?

148. - Coolest thing I have ever seen. - What?

149. So you guys just get high

150. and follow fish around the country?

151. Pretty much, bro.

152. No man is subservient to another.

153. That's what we've been saying this whole time.

154. Suck a dick.

155. Hey, guys.

156. Doug!

157. Fire.

158. Doug!

159. Sam, remember those guys that just get high

160. - and follow fish around? - Yeah.

161. Do you remember where they planted their field?

162. - Yeah. - General Grant.

163. - What? - We know how you can beat Lee.

164. And now, "The Civil War on Drugs."

165. Are you sure this is gonna work?

166. Not at all, sir.

167. Well, you better be right.

168. You know what I mean.

169. Okay, Sam, they're in the field, now's the time.

170. Got it.

171. All right, spark it up.

172. It's working.

173. All right, men, it's go time.

174. Handkerchiefs on!

175. And let's get 'em!

176. But remember, don't kill anybody.

177. Just, I don't know, hit 'em in the head

178. with your guns or something.

179. Fine, okay.

180. This one's for Doug!

181. Actually, these guys killed Doug.

182. Charge.

183. This document outlines the terms of your surrender.

184. If you sign here, the war's over.

185. Here you go, Mr. Lee.

186. Hey, I know you.

187. It's me, girl brains, huh?

188. I know him.

189. What are you doin' here?

190. Extra, extra, local heroes switch sides, win war.

191. Well, it was a good flag though.

192. He held out as long as he could,

193. and if the infection had not reached his brain,

194. and he would've lived to see this day,

195. I'm sure he would've been proud of his son.

196. Or furious, I'm not sure where he stood on the war.

197. Oh, Bob, you came back to visit me.

198. It was Bob, right?

199. President Lincoln will see you now.

200. Boys, good to meet you.

201. Bang up job, you have managed to end

202. the United States Civil War in three days,

203. and, all told, we only lost 150 people.

204. Yeah, sorry about that, things got outta hand.

205. We should have been more clear on our flyers.

206. Well, I want you to know you have my sincerest gratitude.

207. I thank you and this country thanks you.

208. Now, I want you to know, if there's ever anything

209. that you two need, my door will always be open.

210. Dude, that rules, thanks.

211. Sam.

212. Actually, Mr. Lincoln, there is something

213. that you could do for us.

214. See, we started this whole thing

215. because we believe in something.

216. We believe that if people out there

217. wanna smoke that weed stuff that gets you high,

218. as long as they're not hurting themselves or anybody else,

219. that's really not any of the government's business.

220. Yeah, it's like, the government can suck it.

221. We have traveled many miles

222. and survived many battles to get here

223. so that we could humbly ask you,

224. please, Mr. President, do the right thing.

225. Make the weed stuff legal again.

226. Okay, wait a minute. Are you—

227. Are you telling me that you two morons fought

228. this entire war because you thought marijuana was illegal?

229. - Yeah. - Slavery!

230. The war was about slavery.

231. Goddammit.

232. Wait a minute, did we win the war

233. for slavery or against slavery?

234. Against slavery.

235. - Jesus Christ. - Oh, thank God.

236. We have this friend at home that would be pissed.

237. How is this even possible?

238. Is it the school system?

239. Can't be, I didn't graduate.

240. Is it your home life?

241. - Can't be. - Homeless.

242. Jesus Christ.

243. Wait, wait a minute.

244. But, then, why was everybody back home so riled up?

245. Slavery!

246. Oh. - Right.

247. I am so embarrassed.

248. Wait a minute, so you're telling me

249. that it's legal to smoke the weed stuff?

250. Hello, yeah, it's a plant, it's around, it's in nature.

251. Our forefathers left England

252. to get away from oppressive law.

253. This entire nation is founded

254. on the idea of personal freedoms.

255. So it was always legal?

256. Yeah, legal the whole time.

257. Legal now, always gonna be legal.

258. This is the United States of America.

259. me!

260. I feel bad that Lincoln yelled at us.

261. He's not as nice as I thought he'd be.

262. Yeah, pennies are bullshit.

263. I feel bad that we got all those people killed.

264. Yeah.

265. But we did free the slaves.

266. Yeah, that's right.

267. We are heroes.

268. We are Trevor and Sam and we freed the slaves.

269. We can free the slaves 'cause we are Trevor and Sam.

270. We're Trevor and Sam and we freed the slaves.

271. We can free the slaves 'cause we're Trevor and Sam.

272. Hey, hey, Doug.

273. Doug, no way.

274. All right, man.

275. All right, lookin' good, man.

276. Yeah, Doug.

277. Aw, man, we are high.

278. Yeah, Doug.

279. All right.

280. Aw, man, I'm glad he's okay.

281. Yeah, I don't think he is though.

282. What?

283. I mean, look, you can see through him.

284. Oh.

285. Yeah, Doug, I think you're a ghost.

286. I think you're a ghost, Doug.

287. I guess it means your soul

288. has some unfinished business here on Earth.

289. I would try to find somebody

290. to help you solve whatever it is.

291. - Not us, man. - No.

292. No, we are too high.

293. Yeah, we can't help you, Doug, we're too high.

294. We can't help you, Doug, we're too high.

295. Doug, he said we're too high.

296. Doug, we like you and all,

297. we're just too high to help you.

298. Yeah.

299. Seriously, Doug, we're too high, stop.

300. Doug, we're too high.

301. We said we're too high, Doug.

302. Doug, we're too high.

303. - I'm high, he's high. - I'm so high.

304. Doug, Doug.

305. - Doug, don't be like that. - Doug.

306. We can't help you, Doug, we're too high.

307. Dammit, Doug, we said we're high.

308. We're too high, Doug.

309. We can't help.

310. - Doug, we are too high. - What do you want from us?

311. - We're too high to help you. - We're stoned.

312. Doug, we're...

313. Doug, we're too high!

314. Holy shit!

315. The—okay, just leave.