1. I don't know.
Copy !req
2. You're gonna be fine, dude.
Copy !req
3. Yeah, I'm just so nervous.
Copy !req
4. I mean, this is it.
Copy !req
5. Yes, and that is why
you're going to be fine.
Copy !req
6. You don't know that.
Copy !req
7. Listen, I know you, all right?
Copy !req
8. You're not the kind of guy
Copy !req
9. that's gonna back
outta something like this.
Copy !req
10. It's just so scary.
Copy !req
11. Well, you love her, right?
Copy !req
12. No.
Copy !req
13. You don't love her?
Copy !req
14. No, not at all.
Copy !req
15. Oh.
Copy !req
16. Well, get the hell outta here, man.
Copy !req
17. Yeah.
Copy !req
18. The thing is, her dad
has a whole bunch of money.
Copy !req
19. Well, you totally
gotta do it then.
Copy !req
20. But she is really ugly.
Copy !req
21. Dump her. Dump her now.
Copy !req
22. Although,
she does have rockin' boobs.
Copy !req
23. Marry that shit.
Copy !req
24. Lock up those boobs.
Copy !req
25. But she is really controlling.
Copy !req
26. Go.
Copy !req
27. Just leave right now.
Copy !req
28. But then again, I do travel
Copy !req
29. for work a lot
with my secretary.
Copy !req
30. Sounds like you're set, buddy.
Copy !req
31. But my secretary's Hispanic.
Copy !req
32. That was a test and
you passed with flying colors.
Copy !req
33. Really?
Copy !req
34. I couldn't tell 'cause
I don't even see colors.
Copy !req
35. But the thing about my secretary
Copy !req
36. is she's got pepperoni nipples,
Copy !req
37. and not like regular-sized
pepperonis.
Copy !req
38. Huge ones like
the ones on Domino's Pizza.
Copy !req
39. Oh, bail, dude.
Copy !req
40. Yeah, but I could
always fire my secretary
Copy !req
41. and hire a hotter one.
Copy !req
42. Right on.
Copy !req
43. Fire that shit,
marry that bitch.
Copy !req
44. Are you just agreeing
with everything I'm saying?
Copy !req
45. Totally.
Copy !req
46. Where is the bathroom?
Copy !req
47. I have to take a piss.
Copy !req
48. - And the award
Copy !req
49. for worst product placement
in a television program goes to
Copy !req
50. The Whitest Kids Ever
Copy !req
51. with Domino's Pizza
pepperoni-nipple reference.
Copy !req
52. When Jim Peterman came to me
eight years ago with the idea
Copy !req
53. for a very blue sketch show,
Copy !req
54. I thought he was hitting on me.
Copy !req
55. Now I know that's not true.
Copy !req
56. Now I know it's
something more than that.
Copy !req
57. - It's—
- I wanna thank God.
Copy !req
58. I wanna thank Domino's.
Copy !req
59. We did it, baby!
Copy !req
60. Play my favorite song!
Copy !req
61. - When I first heard
Copy !req
62. about the oil spill
in the South Pacific,
Copy !req
63. I was angry at Unified Petroleum
Copy !req
64. for what they were
doing to the oceans.
Copy !req
65. But then I started thinking,
what exactly is an ocean?
Copy !req
66. An ocean is an environment.
Copy !req
67. An environment
that constantly changes
Copy !req
68. and adapts throughout history.
Copy !req
69. And I realized
this is not a tragedy.
Copy !req
70. This is an exciting
new time for our ocean.
Copy !req
71. This is Ocean 2.0.
Copy !req
72. You know, this recent incident
has really made me marvel
Copy !req
73. at just how
resilient our planet is.
Copy !req
74. From ice ages to asteroids,
Copy !req
75. Mother Nature has seen
worse than this in the past,
Copy !req
76. and the old girl always
manages to pull through.
Copy !req
77. Frankly, I'm excited to see
Copy !req
78. how she's going
to adapt this time.
Copy !req
79. Maybe all
the currents will change,
Copy !req
80. taking all
the oil to Antarctica.
Copy !req
81. Or maybe fascinating
new marine life will evolve,
Copy !req
82. like fish that can breathe oil
Copy !req
83. or a bird
that likes being sticky.
Copy !req
84. It's how we at Unified Petroleum
Copy !req
85. are helping to
reimagine the world's oceans.
Copy !req
86. As a scientist,
I'm an expert on things
Copy !req
87. at the molecular level.
Copy !req
88. I've been closely
monitoring the changes
Copy !req
89. that this new addition to
our ocean has brought about.
Copy !req
90. And what's most amazing
about this recent opportunity
Copy !req
91. is that for the first time
in millions of years,
Copy !req
92. the oceans have
gained an attribute.
Copy !req
93. The ocean has always been wet,
and it has always been salty.
Copy !req
94. But you couldn't
always set it on fire.
Copy !req
95. Now you can.
Copy !req
96. Now we can.
Copy !req
97. Look, Mom,
a rainbow on the water.
Copy !req
98. That's great, honey.
Copy !req
99. Plus Unified Petroleum
donates a dollar
Copy !req
100. from every million
it makes towards putting
Copy !req
101. more computers in
classrooms across the country.
Copy !req
102. As a mother, I like that.
Copy !req
103. You know, they say
that oil and water don't mix.
Copy !req
104. But damn it if we're not trying.
Copy !req
105. Unified Petroleum,
Copy !req
106. we have nowhere to go but up.
Copy !req
107. Carl.
Copy !req
108. Yo.
Copy !req
109. What's up, man?
Copy !req
110. Reading this thing.
Copy !req
111. What is that?
Copy !req
112. I found this little girl's
secret diary.
Copy !req
113. That's not cool.
Don't read her diary.
Copy !req
114. No, no, it's really good.
Copy !req
115. No, it's not cool.
Copy !req
116. You gotta find her
and give it back.
Copy !req
117. No, it says here
that she's Jewish.
Copy !req
118. Pretty sure
the Nazis killed her.
Copy !req
119. Okay, then that's
totally not cool to read, dude.
Copy !req
120. It's really good.
Copy !req
121. You know what I'm gonna do?
Copy !req
122. When I get back to the States,
Copy !req
123. I'm gonna get
this thing published
Copy !req
124. so lots of people can read it
Copy !req
125. and then I'm gonna
make all this money off it.
Copy !req
126. That is an unbelievably
dick move to do, man.
Copy !req
127. I bet people will pass
this around at schools.
Copy !req
128. Anybody who passes
that around in a school
Copy !req
129. is a total piece of shit.
Copy !req
130. Yeah, I mean,
surgery, it is scary.
Copy !req
131. You know,
the first time that you do it,
Copy !req
132. but then you just kind of jump
right in, you know?
Copy !req
133. And you get your hands dirty,
so to speak.
Copy !req
134. Oh, he's so dreamy.
Copy !req
135. I don't think I've
ever been on a first date
Copy !req
136. that was going this well.
Copy !req
137. He really seems to
have his life together.
Copy !req
138. Bethany, you may
have kissed your last toad.
Copy !req
139. A new exotic instrument.
Copy !req
140. Good evening.
Copy !req
141. My name is Darren.
Copy !req
142. Would you care to hear
about tonight's specials?
Copy !req
143. Oh, that would be lovely.
Copy !req
144. Lovely.
Copy !req
145. Tonight we have
a potato-scallion soup.
Copy !req
146. We also have
a freshly grilled sea bass,
Copy !req
147. a plate of steaming dog poop,
Copy !req
148. and a prosciutto-fig wrap
that is very nice.
Copy !req
149. Please don't get the dog poop.
Copy !req
150. Please don't get the dog poop.
Copy !req
151. Please don't get the dog poop.
Copy !req
152. What was the second to last one?
Copy !req
153. Ah, the dog poop.
Copy !req
154. Oh, I'm sorry.
The last one.
Copy !req
155. Oh, the prosciutto-fig wrap.
Copy !req
156. Ooh, that sounds good.
Copy !req
157. Oh, thank God.
Copy !req
158. But I did have prosciutto-fig
wraps for lunch.
Copy !req
159. Does the dog poop
come with a side?
Copy !req
160. Please don't let
it come with a side.
Copy !req
161. Please don't let
it come with a side.
Copy !req
162. The dog poop does
not come with a side.
Copy !req
163. Oh, thank God.
Copy !req
164. But for you, monsieur,
I could make an exception.
Copy !req
165. Huh.
Copy !req
166. What kind of dog made the poop?
Copy !req
167. - Oh, a very fat dog.
Copy !req
168. But what kind of dog?
Copy !req
169. Oh, one of those big,
flappy bulldogs.
Copy !req
170. Yes, he can't
even get up the stairs.
Copy !req
171. This dog is very
fat and very stinky.
Copy !req
172. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
173. That sounds pretty good.
Copy !req
174. Please no, please
no, please no, please no.
Copy !req
175. But I think I'm
gonna go with the fig wrap.
Copy !req
176. - Yes.
- Bill.
Copy !req
177. - Hey, Carl.
- Hey.
Copy !req
178. This is Bethany.
Copy !req
179. - Bethany, Carl.
- Not interested.
Copy !req
180. Listen to me.
Copy !req
181. You have got to try
the dog poop at this place.
Copy !req
182. No, no, no.
Copy !req
183. Who is this?
Copy !req
184. It is to die for.
Copy !req
185. Really?
Copy !req
186. 'Cause I was thinkin'
about going with the figs.
Copy !req
187. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
188. Listen, I have had my share
of dog poop pass
Copy !req
189. between these
lips and this place,
Copy !req
190. honest to God, hands-down the
best dog poop in the business.
Copy !req
191. I mean, the dog must
be diseased or something.
Copy !req
192. Did he tell you about
how fat it was?
Copy !req
193. Yeah, he said
something about that.
Copy !req
194. You should go back
Copy !req
195. to the kitchen and
take a look for yourself.
Copy !req
196. The thing can't be more than two
days away from death's door.
Copy !req
197. Hmm.
Copy !req
198. All the same, I think I'm
gonna go with the fig wrap.
Copy !req
199. Yes.
Copy !req
200. Psych! Dog poop.
Copy !req
201. Here is your dog poop.
Copy !req
202. Oh, all right.
Copy !req
203. And here is your salad.
Copy !req
204. Does that taste bad?
Copy !req
205. Uh-huh.
Copy !req
206. Psych, it's dog poop.
Copy !req
207. It's great.
Copy !req
208. - Previously on
Copy !req
209. "The Civil War on Drugs."
Copy !req
210. Sam, you know I can't help
Copy !req
211. but notice that this is your
13th stab at the fifth grade.
Copy !req
212. Got fired from school today.
Copy !req
213. Suck it, nerd.
Copy !req
214. Dad, I don't want to do this.
Copy !req
215. Come now, son, I'm training you
to be a real man.
Copy !req
216. My dad's always tryin' to
make me be a fancy gentleman.
Copy !req
217. Samuel,
Copy !req
218. to what do we owe
the pleasure?
Copy !req
219. And that is bleeding.
Copy !req
220. You wanna go get wasted
Copy !req
221. and check out
the Johnsons' new slave?
Copy !req
222. white people,
me wish them all to die.
Copy !req
223. I didn't buy
you to socialize!
Copy !req
224. you!
Copy !req
225. you!
Copy !req
226. you!
Copy !req
227. Suck it, white people.
Copy !req
228. Hey, you wanna
get faced with us?
Copy !req
229. So you got any cups?
Copy !req
230. Me not drink none
of that Devil's juice.
Copy !req
231. I thought
we came here to get ripped.
Copy !req
232. And now,
"The Civil War on Drugs."
Copy !req
233. Do you think in
Jamaica they have farms
Copy !req
234. where white people
work for free all the time?
Copy !req
235. No.
Copy !req
236. I do.
Copy !req
237. Excuse me,
Copy !req
238. is the master of
the house around?
Copy !req
239. The doctor's visitin' him again.
Copy !req
240. His arm's infected.
Copy !req
241. Will you relay a message to him?
Copy !req
242. I don't really do that.
Copy !req
243. It's frightfully important.
Copy !req
244. They're doing it.
Copy !req
245. We're seceding.
Copy !req
246. Succeeding at what?
Copy !req
247. From the union!
Copy !req
248. There's a mandatory
meeting at the church tonight.
Copy !req
249. Church?
Copy !req
250. Tell your father
we're a new nation!
Copy !req
251. That dude was stoned.
Copy !req
252. So she said, I have some more
shoes for you, and...
Copy !req
253. - All right.
Copy !req
254. Quiet, everyone.
Copy !req
255. Quiet.
Copy !req
256. Now, we have just
received word from Richmond
Copy !req
257. about the state
of affairs in our land.
Copy !req
258. Now, some of this
information I'm about to read
Copy !req
259. to you is certainly true.
Copy !req
260. Some of what I'm about to read
is certainly mere conjecture.
Copy !req
261. And some of
what I'm about to read
Copy !req
262. might even be misinformation
purposefully spread
Copy !req
263. by the North itself.
Copy !req
264. Now, the first
piece of news I have
Copy !req
265. is that as of today,
Copy !req
266. Virginia has officially seceded
Copy !req
267. from the United States
of America.
Copy !req
268. Yeah!
Copy !req
269. Oh yeah, oh
yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
Copy !req
270. Oh yeah, oh
yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
Copy !req
271. Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Copy !req
272. Okay, quiet, quiet.
Copy !req
273. Now, the second
bit of news I have here
Copy !req
274. is that as we speak,
Copy !req
275. the North is currently amassing
Copy !req
276. an army on the union
border in preparation for war.
Copy !req
277. - What?
Copy !req
278. And the third bit of
information we have tells us
Copy !req
279. that the union
is currently training
Copy !req
280. an army of invincible wolf men
Copy !req
281. who are like
wolves in every regard
Copy !req
282. save for
the fact that they can fly.
Copy !req
283. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
284. Wait a minute.
Copy !req
285. That might be
the misinformation.
Copy !req
286. That makes sense.
Copy !req
287. That might be
Copy !req
288. - the misinformation.
- Right, right.
Copy !req
289. But I think the exciting news
here today is that we are
Copy !req
290. - now our own country.
Copy !req
291. Hey, that means that we get
to design our own flag.
Copy !req
292. You're right!
Oh good, everyone.
Copy !req
293. Fun.
Copy !req
294. I got a blank flag right here.
Copy !req
295. - Great!
- Oh yeah.
Copy !req
296. What should it look like?
Copy !req
297. It should look tough
Copy !req
298. but also like we're crazy.
Copy !req
299. Like we fight somebody just
for being different than us.
Copy !req
300. Yeah!
Copy !req
301. I like it, I like it.
Copy !req
302. It should be red
with a big X on it.
Copy !req
303. It'll have red and X's
Copy !req
304. and no one will
mess with the red and X's.
Copy !req
305. Yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
306. It'll have stars, right?
Copy !req
307. Well, of course
it's gonna have stars.
Copy !req
308. It's a flag.
Copy !req
309. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Copy !req
310. That's true, that's true.
Copy !req
311. We could
a naked girl on the flag
Copy !req
312. with like big whoppers
Copy !req
313. and she's sittin' in her doorway
Copy !req
314. and you're walkin' through town
Copy !req
315. and she's like,
"Hey stranger, come over here,"
Copy !req
316. and you're like,
"What do you want, woman?"
Copy !req
317. And she's like,
"So you can come in
Copy !req
318. "and have supper at my place,"
Copy !req
319. and you're like,
"I'm a good Christian man
Copy !req
320. "with a wife at home.
Copy !req
321. "I can't be hanging
around with strange women,"
Copy !req
322. and she's like, "I ain't
goin' bite you, mister,"
Copy !req
323. and you're like, "I don't know."
Copy !req
324. But then all of
a sudden the rain starts comin'
Copy !req
325. almost as if God himself is
pushin' you toward her doorway.
Copy !req
326. So you'll go in
and she's sittin' down
Copy !req
327. and she's got a hot meal,
and it's been a long time
Copy !req
328. 'fore you've had
a hot meal and a cold pillow.
Copy !req
329. So you sit down
and she takes a napkin,
Copy !req
330. tucks it into your collar.
Copy !req
331. Now it's been a long time
Copy !req
332. before you felt
the fingers of a woman.
Copy !req
333. So you get mighty excited.
Copy !req
334. Then all of a sudden
her sisters come over
Copy !req
335. and you're like,
"How many sisters?"
Copy !req
336. One sister, two sister,
three sister, four sister.
Copy !req
337. Five sister.
Copy !req
338. Five sisters come over.
Copy !req
339. So you're like, "Oh my
God, I gotta get out here.
Copy !req
340. "The devil is temping me."
Copy !req
341. But then all of
a sudden her clothes fall off
Copy !req
342. and you're like, "What?
Copy !req
343. "How did that happen?"
Copy !req
344. A woman's clothes
just fall right off her body.
Copy !req
345. Then your clothes fall off
and you're like, "What?
Copy !req
346. "What's going on here?"
Copy !req
347. Then an earthquake happens.
Copy !req
348. You both land in the tub.
Copy !req
349. What are you doing?
Copy !req
350. I don't know.
Copy !req
351. I'm just talkin'.
Copy !req
352. Well, let's print
this thing up, huh?
Copy !req
353. Yeah!
Copy !req
354. And we'll tear all of
the other flags down.
Copy !req
355. No more union
flags around, y'all.
Copy !req
356. From now on, we will
only acknowledge the red X's.
Copy !req
357. The union flag is illegal.
Copy !req
358. The union flag is illegal.
Copy !req
359. The union flag is illegal.
Copy !req
360. Yeah, fuck the union!
Copy !req
361. Man, I'm so excited about this.
Copy !req
362. I'm excited.
Copy !req
363. Hey, that's illegal.
Copy !req
364. What?
Copy !req
365. You're illegal.
Copy !req
366. You can't have that,
that's against the law!
Copy !req
367. Yeah, we just made that illegal.
Copy !req
368. Get 'em!
Copy !req
369. Bob.
Copy !req
370. Bob, open the door.
Copy !req
371. Bob, it's about the weed stuff.
Copy !req
372. Bob.
Copy !req
373. Bob, open up.
Copy !req
374. What are you guys doing here?
Copy !req
375. Everybody tried to murder us.
Copy !req
376. Oh.
Copy !req
377. We were just
walkin' through town
Copy !req
378. smokin' some of your weed stuff
Copy !req
379. and all of a sudden
everybody came outta nowhere
Copy !req
380. and said
that they'd made it illegal.
Copy !req
381. What?
Copy !req
382. Yeah, we were just
minding our own business
Copy !req
383. smokin' the weed stuff
when everyone tried
Copy !req
384. to chase us
around and throw us in jail.
Copy !req
385. What?
Copy !req
386. We were
walkin' through town
Copy !req
387. smoking some of the weed stuff.
Copy !req
388. white people.
Copy !req
389. Hey, yeah, they were white.
Copy !req
390. white people.
Copy !req
391. A white man will try
anything to keep you down.
Copy !req
392. This is not illegal.
Copy !req
393. This is holy.
Copy !req
394. This is from God.
Copy !req
395. When is God gonna
tell white people to suck it?
Copy !req
396. One thing's for sure, Bob.
Copy !req
397. If they catch
you smokin' that stuff,
Copy !req
398. there's no
telling what they'll do.
Copy !req
399. So there's one thing for sure.
Copy !req
400. There's no
telling what they'll do.
Copy !req
401. Don't be a dick to me, Bob.
Copy !req
402. I'm trying to help you.
Copy !req
403. Bob, what we're trying to say is
you gotta leave town.
Copy !req
404. I may have heard of
an underground railroad
Copy !req
405. that helps slaves escape.
Copy !req
406. Maybe I can use it to get
up north.
Copy !req
407. Whoa, timeout.
Copy !req
408. What?
Copy !req
409. That sounds awesome.
Copy !req
410. Wait, wait, wait,
I'm sorry but I must be too high
Copy !req
411. 'cause I thought he just said
Copy !req
412. that there's an underground
railroad somewhere.
Copy !req
413. Well, that's what I heard.
Copy !req
414. Bob, you should
just be doing that anyway.
Copy !req
415. That sounds amazing.
Copy !req
416. Where does the smoke go?
Copy !req
417. Okay, Bob, you go
take your cave-train thing.
Copy !req
418. Sam and I are gonna try to talk
some sense into these people
Copy !req
419. and then when the coast is
clear, you can come back.
Copy !req
420. I'm probably not
going to come back.
Copy !req
421. Oh, right.
Copy !req
422. Well, to like visit us.
Copy !req
423. Me not coming back.
Copy !req
424. Right.
Copy !req
425. Okay.
Copy !req
426. Well, Bob it was
awesome meeting you.
Copy !req
427. This has been
an incredible three days.
Copy !req
428. I'm really sorry
you have to move.
Copy !req
429. This is a good thing.
Copy !req
430. Right, okay.
Copy !req
431. Bob, best of luck.
Copy !req
432. Sam, I have a plan.
Copy !req
433. - Next on
Copy !req
434. "The Civil War on Drugs."
Copy !req
435. You're really an orphan?
Copy !req
436. This is an important message
Copy !req
437. from a secret
resistance movement.
Copy !req
438. I'm homeless, dude.
Copy !req
439. Holy smokes.
Copy !req
440. A telegram came in the night.
Copy !req
441. We gotta get our game faces on.
Copy !req
442. Wait, what do you mean?
Copy !req
443. What do you mean?
Copy !req
444. "The Civil War on Drugs."
Copy !req
445. - Holy shit.
Copy !req
446. Okay, just leave that.
Copy !req