The Whitest Kids U' Know 5x3

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23. See all that cum?

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31. Got cum on your arm?

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35. not have to worry about it.

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40. I couldn't live without it.

41. I have one for the car, one for the boat, and one at home.

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49. No CODs.

50. Ah, no!

51. That's not it.

52. It doesn't sound like the tune that George Lucas needs

53. for his new Star Wars meets Indiana Jones movie.

54. Think, John Williams.

55. No.

56. Welcome to Doctor Dario's Taco Barrio,

57. can I take your order?

58. Sir.

59. Hold on a minute.

60. No!

61. I'll take a number four, large,

62. and a two, medium.

63. You're a.

64. Yeah, I'm camping.

65. I'm camping and I killed you, what now?

66. I'll report you, too.

67. Just mute me,

68. John, come to bed.

69. I said, just mute me,

70. Ah, no!

71. It's just not right.

72. No, that's not it.

73. Eureka!

74. I did it.

75. Alice, wake up.

76. I finally did it.

77. The perfect wedding theme

78. for when Short Round marries that Ewok.

79. Remember this.

80. Got it?

81. Ah, John Williams,

82. you've done it again.

83. Mo' money, mo' money,

84. mo' money, mo' money.

85. Look, honey, I made your favorite, eggs.

86. Honey.

87. How did it go?

88. How did what go?

89. The song.

90. What song?

91. Last night I woke you up

92. with the perfect tune for when Short Round

93. marries that Ewok.

94. Now, what was the song?

95. I barely remember anything from last night.

96. Alice, I have been working on this thing for 85 hours.

97. This is my magnum opus,

98. the most important score of my entire career.

99. Now, please try to remember,

100. I woke you up.

101. I remember that.

102. And I sang you a tune.

103. Oh, okay no, I think I remember.

104. It was something like,

105. No!

106. Okay, well, that sounds like something you would do.

107. That sounds like something I would do?

108. Oh, you could do what I do.

109. Yeah, I think I could do what you do.

110. No, no, no, I wouldn't go.

111. I would go.

112. That is not art.

113. That is not art!

114. You are garbage.

115. That is not...

116. You think it's that easy?

117. Oh yeah,

118. I think it's that easy.

119. That's it, songwriting contest!

120. Five minutes.

121. Fine, I'm taking the bathroom.

122. Well, then I'll be in the closet.

123. And then it will crescendo to a minor.

124. You know, I don't know if I'm gonna go back to her

125. after what she did with my bangs last time.

126. Well, you're right, I probably will.

127. Did you know that the Zimmers got new siding

128. put in on their house.

129. And you didn't hear it from me,

130. but I think it's tacky.

131. Five minutes is up, pencil's down.

132. I'll call you back.

133. Sherwin, come here,

134. we need you to judge something.

135. What is it?

136. We would like you to judge

137. whose tune is better?

138. Your mother's or your Oscar, Emmy, Grammy,

139. Tony-winning father's.

140. Alice, you're up first,

141. age before beauty.

142. Oh, God, Alice, your song was so bad,

143. it literally made me vomit.

144. Take note of that, son.

145. And now a new composition from John Williams.

146. That's just the THX logo.

147. I kinda like Mom's better.

148. What!

149. Mostly because I think it's funny

150. that it made you puke.

151. What do you know?

152. What do you know, Sherwin?

153. The dog's got more music sense than you.

154. That's it.

155. It's time for a good old-fashioned

156. Williams family sing-off,

157. the dog's the judge.

158. I call bathroom.

159. Debbie.

160. You wouldn't happen to know

161. anything about this scrape along my car, would you?

162. Oh, no, ants.

163. Debbie, no.

164. They're taking me away.

165. Help!

166. Debbie, stop it.

167. They're taking me to the mall.

168. I'm not falling for this again.

169. They're taking me to Fashion Bug.

170. Debbie.

171. Kids, the "ants" have taken your mother to Fashion Bug again.

172. Get in the car, let's go get her.

173. I don't wanna.

174. Get in the car.

175. Oh, no, ants.

176. No.

177. They're taking me to the movies.

178. Mine are taking me to Brian's house.

179. Bye, Dad.

180. Bye.

181. This family sometimes.

182. Hi, Debbie.

183. Hey, Gloria.

184. Where you going?

185. Fashion Bug.

186. What about you?

187. Cinna-Bagel.

188. Ooh.

189. Gloria, did you use my credit card?

190. Ah, ants!

191. Okay, so yeah, so you're riding a giraffe,

192. so you know you're gonna be going up and down

193. and giraffes tend to kind of jostle a bit,

194. so kind of really swing those hips around there.

195. Yeah.

196. Good.

197. Okay, now smack him.

198. Yeah, that's what you have to do

199. when you're riding a giraffe and you want him to go faster.

200. You just have to smack him really hard in the neck.

201. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

202. Is this funny?

203. Yeah, it's very funny, yeah.

204. Now, okay, so with your other hand,

205. it looks like you're holding reins,

206. but you wouldn't do that.

207. You'd have your hand like flat,

208. like on the back of his neck, kind of.

209. Yeah, like, yeah, like that, that's good.

210. What's the sketch about?

211. It's the giraffe-race sketch.

212. You're breaking outta prison.

213. Yeah.

214. Oh, yeah,

215. that is pretty funny.

216. Okay.

217. Okay, now lick your fingers

218. and like gently tickle the front of his Adam's apple.

219. Okay.

220. Is this right?

221. Am I doing this right?

222. Exactly like that?

223. Why am I doing this?

224. Because that's what giraffes like.

225. Oh, I'm gonna need a tissue.

226. - Yeah. - Say that again.

227. I need a tissue.

228. Great, I think we got this.

229. Really funny, Darren.

230. It's really good, man.

231. Great, I'm gonna get some lunch.

232. Is this funny?

233. Oh, Darren, it's not funny.

234. It's hot.

235. Guys, how did you do this?

236. It looks so real.

237. We thought you'd like it, buddy.

238. Oh, you guys.

239. Honey, doesn't this look great?

240. It looks great.

241. Thanks for coming over, guys.

242. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

243. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

244. Group hug, huh,

245. come on.

246. Get in here.

247. We have some of the best of friends.

248. Yeah.

249. How old do you think this guy is in my video?

250. I'm going to bed.

251. I'm gonna say 17, but like just 17.

252. Goodnight, Darren.

253. I have genital herpes.

254. I have genital herpes.

255. I have genital herpes.

256. Genital herpes.

257. I have genital herpes,

258. but that doesn't mean that genital herpes has me.

259. That's because my doctor told me about something called,

260. Vesocream.

261. Vesocream.

262. Vesocream.

263. I apply it once a day.

264. Once a day at the first sign of an outbreak.

265. And it's clinically proven

266. to clear up my infection in just two or three days.

267. Two to three days.

268. That's less than half the time

269. of the other leading brands.

270. My herpes flare-ups gone in two to three days.

271. And that's important to me because—

272. Because I may have herpes,

273. but he doesn't know.

274. She doesn't know.

275. He doesn't know.

276. She doesn't know.

277. He doesn't know.

278. Dad, Dad.

279. Dad, wake up.

280. No yelling.

281. Dad, take us to the zoo.

282. No, you guys got yard work to do today anyway.

283. Oh, come on, Dad, we wanna go to the zoo.

284. Yeah, Dad, it's bikini day at the zoo.

285. What do you care about bikini day?

286. Because, Dad, they put bikinis on all the animals.

287. That's not what that means.

288. Just means that they encourage people

289. to wear bikinis at the zoo.

290. No, Dad, they put bikinis on all the animals.

291. Look, it's in the brochure.

292. Wait, what?

293. Yeah, Dad, they put 'em on the giraffes,

294. the bears, the tigers.

295. Wait, how do they do that?

296. Come on, Dad, can we go?

297. Yes, get in the car.

298. Yes!

299. I gotta put my shoes on.

300. No, I'll buy you shoes at the zoo, let's go.

301. You kids are grounded forever.

302. It's a pretty mean thing

303. to trick your dad into going to an intervention.

304. Who were all those people anyway?

305. That was the rest of our family.

306. Previously on "The Civil War on Drugs."

307. Dad, I don't want to do this.

308. Come now, son, I'm training you to be a real man.

309. Samuel, to what do we owe the pleasure?

310. Ah!

311. And that is bleeding.

312. Hey, you wanna go get wasted

313. and check out the Johnsons' new slave?

314. We're seceding.

315. Succeeding at what?

316. The union flag is illegal.

317. We just made that illegal.

318. Get 'em!

319. We were just walking through town,

320. smoking some of your weed stuff,

321. and all of a sudden everybody came out nowhere

322. and said that they'd made it illegal.

323. I may have heard of an underground railroad

324. that helps slaves escape.

325. Where does the smoke go?

326. Okay, Bob, you go take your cave-train thing.

327. Sam, I have a plan.

328. And now, "The Civil War on Drugs."

329. So what are we doing here, boss?

330. The man can't keep us down if we get the people organized.

331. So we need to send a message to every newspaper

332. and let him know that we're gonna throw a demonstration

333. this weekend to try to keep the weed stuff legal.

334. How are we gonna get 'em to show up?

335. Easy, we'll say it's mandatory.

336. That's what that weird stone dude

337. said at the front gate today.

338. And look how many people showed up to his thing.

339. And that dude was talking crazy talk.

340. Yeah, I know.

341. And all you gotta do is figure out a way to bust in here.

342. Oh, it's easy.

343. All buildings are made of wood.

344. Nice work, dude.

345. Thank you.

346. All right.

347. Do you know how to work this thing?

348. Oh, it's easy.

349. You just say what we want to send

350. and then I just tap it really fast.

351. Just remember to pause after each sentence.

352. Okay.

353. How does that work though?

354. I don't know, how do trains work?

355. Good point.

356. Okay.

357. Attention Virginians,

358. this is an important message from a

359. secret resistance movement.

360. Good pause.

361. All right.

362. Do you like smoking that weed-like stuff

363. that makes you high when you smoke it?

364. So do we.

365. Did you know that some people are making it illegal?

366. Isn't that gay?

367. It's totally true.

368. Tonight almost everyone in town tried to kill us.

369. If you think that sucks, like we do, then meet us at—

370. Hey, where should we do this?

371. I don't know.

372. How about that big ass field behind the rock quarry?

373. Perfect.

374. Meet us at that big ass field behind the rock quarry.

375. Attendance is mandatory.

376. Holy smokes,

377. a telegram came in the night.

378. My God,

379. the telegraph machine is broken.

380. You know, if this protest goes well,

381. we're gonna have to keep the momentum going.

382. We'll get everybody all jazzed up,

383. and then we'll march 'em straight to Richmond.

384. Then from there we'll get an even bigger group,

385. and take this baby straight to Washington DC.

386. Should we bring this to Washington DC?

387. Come on, man,

388. it's so lame.

389. All right.

390. You know, we could be gone for a pretty long time.

391. Guess I should probably go say goodbye to my dad.

392. Should we bring this to your dad?

393. Shut up, Sam.

394. Hey, Dad, how's it going?

395. Trevor.

396. Hi, son.

397. Never been better.

398. How goes it with you?

399. Pretty good.

400. Just coming by to let you know that Sam and I are gonna

401. - be hitting the road for a bit.

402. A word of warning, son.

403. The doc here has told me the big news.

404. Seems like a lot of people here are quite riled up.

405. It's a powder keg out there.

406. Yeah, I know.

407. I dunno if you read the newspaper or anything this

408. morning, but that whole thing's pretty much Sam and my idea.

409. Be safe out there, boys.

410. Godspeed.

411. That'll be 10 cents.

412. Fascinating,

413. so by cutting off that arm,

414. you kill the infection in this arm.

415. Wait, what do you mean?

416. What do you mean?

417. Whoa, keep that on the down low, man.

418. There's no telling who's watching.

419. They can suck it.

420. Well, we said goodbye to my dad.

421. Do you wanna stop in and say anything to your folks?

422. I don't have any folks.

423. Really?

424. What do you mean?

425. Yeah, I'm an orphan, dude.

426. No way.

427. I've known you half my life.

428. How is this news to me?

429. I don't know.

430. You're really an orphan?

431. Yeah, my parents have been dead forever.

432. What?

433. Yeah.

434. Where do you live?

435. Sleep under a big tree in the middle of the woods.

436. What?

437. Yeah, I'm homeless, dude.

438. No, you're not.

439. Really?

440. Why do you think I'm so psyched

441. whenever you have sleepovers?

442. I don't know, I just always thought

443. you were a little weird.

444. Wow,

445. you must think I'm like a horrible friend or something.

446. Did for a while.

447. Crazy.

448. Kind of got over it.

449. Well, the rally should be just over this ridge here.

450. We're a little late, but hopefully they waited for us.

451. We gotta get our game faces on.

452. You got the bag full of weed stuff?

453. Right here. You got your speech ready?

454. Pow, right here.

455. Let's get ready to make some history.

456. I guess they started without us.

457. Next on "The Civil War on Drugs."

458. This is our country.

459. And you'll always live on, in my heart.

460. Who's the girl brains here?

461. Who goes there?

462. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me.

463. Those people look pissed.

464. Penis.

465. "The Civil War on Drugs."

466. Holy shit.