The Whitest Kids U' Know 5x4

1. I can't believe I'm getting pulled over.

2. - Were you speeding? - No.

3. Is that a firetruck?

4. Can a firetruck pull you over?

5. I guess so.

6. I mean, they have sirens.

7. What should we do?

8. I don't know, just be cool.

9. Hi, seems to be the problem officer... fireman?

10. License and registration, please.

11. I'm sorry, are we in trouble?

12. Do you guys have any idea why I pulled you over?

13. - No. - Well, your car's on fire.

14. What?

15. Oh.

16. - Yeah. - Man.

17. I'm gonna let you off with a warning,

18. but you guys seriously need to go take care

19. of this right now.

20. Oh, yes, sir.

21. Thank you.

22. Man, I'm serious.

23. This is a safety hazard.

24. Yeah, we'll get it looked at right away.

25. Good day, gentlemen.

26. Good day.

27. So you gonna go get your car fixed?

28. No, this car runs fine.

29. So the principal called the missus

30. and said that Jimmy ain't been there.

31. He ain't been there for two days straight,

32. turns out he'd been hanging out at the creek,

33. shooting fireworks and drinking root beer.

34. What'd you do?

35. Well, I just put him over my knee here

36. and I spanked his ass pretty good.

37. Nothing wrong with that.

38. Nothing wrong with that.

39. Hey, Ed, when you got to spank little Jimmy there,

40. did you do a full windup

41. or did you just kind of swing from halfway?

42. Well see, he missed two days straight, see?

43. So what I did is I put my hand way back here just like this

44. like I'm turned around almost all the way,

45. and then wham-o, I just get really in there.

46. - Nothing wrong with that. - Nothing wrong with that.

47. Nothing wrong with that.

48. You gotta swing from the hip.

49. That's where the power comes from.

50. You know what I like to do

51. when my little Charlene is acting up,

52. is I like to make a fist like this

53. with the knuckle on the top there.

54. And instead of spanking her,

55. I just punch her in the butt as hard as I can.

56. Nothing wrong with that.

57. Nothing wrong with that.

58. Nothing wrong with that.

59. I like to spank 'em so hard

60. that their little cries sound like skipping records.

61. Nothing wrong with that.

62. Nothing wrong with that.

63. - Nothing wrong with that. - Nope.

64. I like whenever I get to spank my Ernest Junior on vacation.

65. Why is that, Ernest Senior?

66. Well, you know, we're down there at the boathouse.

67. There's a lot of oars around,

68. so I like to take one

69. and just kind of play baseball with his butt.

70. Nothing wrong with that.

71. Nothing wrong with that.

72. Nothing wrong with that.

73. Sometimes it's fun to tie Charlene up

74. with an electrical blanket.

75. And then, when she's on the floor there,

76. just whale on her belly with a phone book.

77. Nothing wrong with that.

78. Nothing wrong with that.

79. Nothing wrong with that.

80. Nothing at all.

81. Say, Jimmy, you've been kind of quiet over there.

82. What's the matter?

83. Are you drunk or something?

84. Me?

85. Nah, nah, just, I've been trying a new kind

86. of parenting with Walt.

87. Try not to hit Walt as much.

88. When Walt acts up, I take him.

89. I sit him down.

90. Go up to his room.

91. I grab his rabbit.

92. You see, he loves that rabbit, it's something special.

93. I bring that rabbit down

94. and I put my hand over its mouth and nostrils

95. and squeeze really tight

96. and it starts thrashing around, freaking out,

97. and Walt starts freaking out.

98. I look at him and I know that he knows

99. that the reason his bunny is suffering

100. is 'cause his ball hit my car.

101. Nothing wrong with that.

102. Nothing wrong with that.

103. Okay, we'll go in on three.

104. Now if you see anybody that looks like a bad guy,

105. or maybe like they're gonna hit me or punch me

106. 'cause they're mad or something like that, you say,

107. "Hey, Brian, keep your eye on that guy."

108. And also if you see anybody,

109. and I mean anybody aiming a gun at me, you say,

110. "Brian, there's a guy aiming a gun right at you."

111. Oh I will, I will,

112. and the same goes for me, man.

113. If you see anybody doing any of that stuff to me,

114. tell me.

115. Oh, definitely, we're best friends.

116. Yeah.

117. Hey guys, can I get in on this whole,

118. "if you see someone about to shoot me,

119. you say something" thing,

120. because I think that's a really good way to go.

121. Oh, absolutely.

122. Of course, man, you're part of the team.

123. Oh, and also can I get in on the whole, "telling each other

124. if someone's about to punch or kick you," thing?

125. You're in on all of it.

126. Yeah.

127. Everybody, be really careful.

128. Oh, I'm gonna be as careful as possible.

129. Me, me too, guys.

130. Okay, just making sure.

131. Okay, let's get ready to pull open the door

132. and run inside.

133. All right, let's go over the plan one more time.

134. Alright.

135. If you see anybody kick in that door over there,

136. you should yell,

137. "Hey, Glen, stop making cocaine

138. and look over towards the door people have come in."

139. Okay, and if you see that happening

140. before I see that happening, be like,

141. "Eddie, stop what you're doing

142. and hide as much of that cocaine as you can."

143. Then, I'll do that.

144. Oh, of course, of course.

145. We're on the same team.

146. Also, if some of those guys that come in have guns,

147. you should grab your gun

148. and try to shoot some of them

149. before they shoot some of us.

150. Right, well you should do that too.

151. Oh, I will, I will.

152. One, two...

153. Stepping in.

154. Stepping in.

155. Glen, look over there, by the door.

156. Start hiding the cocaine.

157. Brian, I see two guys right over there

158. that look bad.

159. I see the same two guys.

160. Eddie, they do have guns.

161. Try and grab you a gun and shoot them before they shoot us.

162. Brian, that guy has a gun

163. and he's aiming it at you.

164. Ah, scatter!

165. Ah! I'm going home.

166. See you tomorrow.

167. Bye.

168. All right, everybody, welcome to Club MacDougal.

169. Everybody remember to come on Sunday

170. for MacDougal bingo from 6:00 to 9:00 p.m.

171. And remember, Tuesday nights are ladies night,

172. where ladies drink for free.

173. But tonight it's Wednesday

174. and that means it's Blacks night

175. where Blacks drink half price,

176. every Wednesday night at MacDougal's.

177. - Wait, hold on.

178. What?

179. Excuse me.

180. No, no, no, no, it's not.

181. No, it's not racist because their drinks are half price.

182. No, no.

183. It can't be racist if it's positive.

184. No, no, sir.

185. Sir, everything's fine here.

186. Why don't you just go over to the bar

187. and get yourself a half-priced drink.

188. Excuse me, I'm sorry.

189. Hold on.

190. I have to do another announcement.

191. MacDougal's Black night

192. for one night and one night only,

193. the Blacks have taken over the bar.

194. Lock the doors and hide your daughters.

195. It's Blacks night.

196. Oh, okay, what?

197. Oh, God, aren't I the popular one?

198. What is everybody's problem?

199. What?

200. Oh, that is ridiculous.

201. Then I suppose ladies night is racist too?

202. What do you say to that?

203. No, you know what,

204. let me speak to your manager.

205. What the?

206. Look, I don't know what the big deal is.

207. You don't see me getting all upset on Thursdays

208. when it's white night and whites drink for half price.

209. Okay, wait, wait.

210. Wait, you're angry at that too?

211. Okay, and welcome to the first meeting

212. of the teacher's association.

213. The meeting will now come to order.

214. So this September we will be starting the first school year.

215. Yeah, and so the government has asked us

216. to babysit the nation's children

217. so their parents can become more productive workers.

218. So we need to lay down some ground rules.

219. Why don't we start off with what time we meet every day.

220. Oh, what about 8:00 a.m.?

221. That'll really piss off the kids.

222. Okay, I don't know about your motives, but sounds good.

223. Next, let's move on to

224. what we should be teaching the children.

225. Subjects, all right?

226. So start throwing out some ideas.

227. Math?

228. Sounds good, yeah.

229. - Science. - Sure.

230. - English? - Why not?

231. Gym?

232. You want to teach the kids gymnasium?

233. Someone's gotta teach these kids how to play around.

234. You know, squats, showers, kickball, teasing,

235. showers, things like that.

236. Sure, yeah.

237. And we have one slot left.

238. - History. - Geography.

239. History's more important.

240. Geography's more important.

241. People need to know when things happened—

242. Where they happened.

243. All right, why don't we just combine the two

244. and we'll call it social studies?

245. I got an idea for a subject.

246. It's called detention.

247. It's like kid jail.

248. That'll really piss off the kids.

249. It's perfect.

250. We'll make a set of arbitrary rules

251. and then if the kids step outta line,

252. wham, detention.

253. That all sounds fine to me.

254. Now we need to develop some sort of grading system

255. so we can judge how poorly the kids are doing.

256. And we should send a report back to their parents.

257. That'll really piss off the kids.

258. Would you sit down?

259. Okay, grading system.

260. Why don't we just go down the alphabet.

261. If a kid hands in something that's excellent,

262. we'll give him an A.

263. Something that's above average, B.

264. Average, C.

265. Below average, D.

266. And if it's poor, we'll give him an F.

267. You skipped E.

268. - What? - You went A, B, C, D, F.

269. Well, F stands for fail.

270. Then what's A for?

271. Awesome.

272. Okay, what's B?

273. Better than average.

274. Okay wait, you said C is for average.

275. How does that work?

276. C stands for... kind of okay.

277. That doesn't make any sense.

278. We're just sticking to the way I set it.

279. Okay, that's another rule.

280. None of us teachers are ever gonna admit when we're wrong.

281. Okay?

282. Sound good?

283. Great.

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298. Hey.

299. Hey, get in here.

300. Hey yous guys, get in here and watch the TV commercial.

301. All right, now listen up.

302. As most of yous know, my name is Earl Becker

303. and I used to run the hardware store down on Elm Street

304. before it went belly-up last month.

305. I know, I get it.

306. Times are tough.

307. Walmart's got the big aisles

308. and the bright lights, whatever.

309. I don't got time for this.

310. Here's what I gotta say.

311. I'm gonna start digging 'em up.

312. I mean it.

313. I gotta shovel and I got a whole graveyard here

314. full of people that yous guys care about,

315. and I'm gonna start digging 'em up.

316. Don't like it?

317. Here's what you can do.

318. Put some money in an envelope

319. and leave it at my house.

320. You know where I live.

321. It's the house with the messy yard

322. that yous people like to bitch about

323. at city council meetings all the time.

324. I don't got time for that.

325. I've had it and I'm digging 'em up.

326. Starting right now with A,

327. so I hope you're watching, family of Arthur Anderson,

328. beloved husband and father,

329. 'cause I'm digging him up.

330. I know what you're thinking,

331. "Hey, what's this guy gonna do

332. with all these people once he's dug 'em up?"

333. I don't know.

334. Something crazy.

335. I don't got time for this. I'm a busy man.

336. Maybe I'll take 'em

337. and, I don't know, put 'em in a tree.

338. Maybe I'll put 'em on a bus. Send 'em to San Diego.

339. How'd you like that?

340. You wouldn't.

341. You know what to do.

342. Money, envelope, my house,

343. - or I'm digging 'em up.

344. Excuse me, buddy, can we talk to you?

345. Oh, what's this? I don't got time for this.

346. Previously on "The Civil War on Drugs."

347. Hey, you wanna go get wasted

348. and check out the Johnsons' new slave?

349. We're seceding.

350. Succeeding at what?

351. The union flag is illegal.

352. We just made that illegal.

353. Get them!

354. We need to send a message to every newspaper

355. and let 'em know that we're gonna throw a demonstration

356. this weekend to try to keep the weed stuff legal.

357. Meet us at that big ass field behind the rock quarry.

358. The rally should be just over this ridge here.

359. "The Civil War on Drugs."

360. I guess they started without us.

361. Wow.

362. I didn't think this many people were gonna show up.

363. Guess people really care about that weed stuff.

364. Yeah, those people look pissed.

365. Those people do too.

366. Maybe we should have specified that this was supposed

367. to be a peaceful demonstration.

368. Hey, thanks for coming out and supporting the cause.

369. Sorry, you got shot.

370. Here's a flyer on weed awareness.

371. Thanks for supporting the cause.

372. Sorry, you got shot.

373. Here's a flyer on weed awareness.

374. This is crazy.

375. I mean, I knew people would die at our protest,

376. but I didn't think this many.

377. How did this happen?

378. No one's gonna want to come to our stuff anymore

379. if this is what goes on.

380. Hey.

381. You fought bravely, good soldier.

382. You'll always live on in my heart,

383. but it's time for you to go now.

384. Your spirit is free.

385. Away now to the land of dreams.

386. - Wow. - Yeah, heavy.

387. You fought bravely, good soldier

388. and you'll always live on in my heart.

389. Oh, he does that for everybody.

390. To the land of dreams.

391. And what's this guy's deal?

392. Hey, what's your deal?

393. Who goes there?

394. What?

395. Union or confederate?

396. What?

397. Are you from the south or the north?

398. South or north of what?

399. This guy's high as balls.

400. Are you two for freedom or for oppression?

401. Freedom, dick.

402. Oh, good.

403. It's always nice to meet other supporters of the cause.

404. We are the cause.

405. Yeah, this was all our idea.

406. What do you mean?

407. We organized this whole thing.

408. Oh, my God, I had no idea.

409. I'm so sorry, sirs.

410. See, I just joined this army.

411. I didn't recognize you.

412. I haven't met all my commanding officers yet.

413. Please don't fire me.

414. You know, I would hate to have to go home.

415. I'm having such a swell time here

416. and see, nobody really likes me back home at all

417. and it's just really hard for me to...

418. Okay, little dude, calm down.

419. Nobody's gonna fire you.

420. He's so high.

421. Who started all this shooting?

422. Well, I believe it was our side

423. that made the first volley, sir.

424. Well, who told you to do that?

425. Well, our battalion is currently under the command

426. of General Robert E. Lee, sir.

427. I could take you to him.

428. Yeah, he is in so much trouble.

429. Well, follow me, sir. I know the way to Lee's tent.

430. What's this General Lee guy stupid?

431. Does he have girl brains or something?

432. I mean, look at this place.

433. Excuse me.

434. Ah! Union soldier!

435. Oh, whoa dude.

436. Don't kill people.

437. Really?

438. Yeah, not cool man.

439. Okay, well I guess you two are my superiors.

440. But I gotta tell you,

441. that really goes against everything else

442. that everybody's been saying.

443. What?

444. Who's been saying?

445. Just take us to the girl brains.

446. Today, we've taken our first steps

447. as bloody as they may be,

448. in securing our independence.

449. I ask that each of us take a moment of silence,

450. remember the fallen.

451. Okay, who's the girl brains here?

452. Yeah, who's the dick that screwed up our meeting

453. and told everybody to shoot everybody?

454. That's the general right there.

455. Where do you get off, man?

456. You know what Santa Claus, you know what you can do?

457. You can suck a big, old, floppy...

458. - Penis. - Hold on there.

459. Too many men of power surround themselves with "yes men,"

460. cowards eager to please.

461. I will listen to voices of dissent,

462. but I ask that you keep your tone a gentlemanly one.

463. - What? - Don't call me girl brains.

464. Okay, look, today was supposed to be about getting a bunch

465. of like-minded people together,

466. doing a little blazing,

467. and uniting people against the white man.

468. And then, you had all these people kill everybody

469. and now everyone's gonna be pissed.

470. I once thought, as you do,

471. but this country's oppressive government will not listen

472. to anything short of violence.

473. Is not our land our own?

474. To plant and harvest as we please?

475. What right does any man have to tell us what to do

476. with the fruits of our own toils?

477. This is our life.

478. This is our land.

479. This is our country.

480. Lee! Lee! Lee!

481. Lee! Lee! Lee!

482. Lee! Lee! Lee!

483. Lee! Lee! Lee!

484. Lee! Lee! Lee!

485. Okay, all right.

486. Alright, alright, alright.

487. That's all well and good,

488. but you still don't have to kill people.

489. Son, I assure you I take no pleasure in loss of life.

490. It is my goal to minimize the casualties on both sides.

491. Well, you're doing a terrible job at it.

492. Have you got a better idea?

493. Of course I do.

494. You don't fight with people in your hometown.

495. You go to Washington.

496. You deal with people at the top.

497. You go and you talk to Abraham Lincoln.

498. You would have me lead my men straight to the Capitol?

499. Fuck a capital, we're talking about Washington.

500. I may be insane for even thinking about this,

501. but your devil-may-care attitude

502. might be just the thing we need to win this war.

503. Of course it is.

504. This whole thing was our idea, dude.

505. Tell you what, today's your lucky day.

506. Against my better judgment,

507. I'm gonna put you two in charge of a small battalion of men.

508. General Lee, no.

509. Quiet.

510. I'm gonna put you in charge of a brigade,

511. with the task of marching straight to Washington.

512. First thing in the morning,

513. you head straight north and you do not stop

514. until you reach the president himself.

515. Is that understood?

516. Boo-yah.

517. That's the first smart thing I've heard you say

518. since we walked in here.

519. You get these men fed and cleaned up.

520. They have a long journey ahead of them.

521. Sir, you can't send 'em straight north.

522. That whole area is crawling with union soldiers.

523. And if they don't get 'em, the savages will.

524. You cannot waste an entire squad on a suicide mission.

525. Relax, we'll give them sea brigade.

526. Nobody calls me girl brains and gets away with it.

527. That is rich.

528. - That is rich. - Yes.

529. Next, on "The Civil War on Drugs."

530. I grow moist.

531. My name is Sam and I'm good at karate.

532. I once killed a man using nothing but his own stomach.

533. I peed the poo outta myself.

534. Way outta line.

535. I want these boys dead.

536. "The Civil War on Drugs."

537. Holy shit.

538. Okay, just leave.

539. Leave that.