1. - All right.Copy !req
2. That seems to be
in there pretty securely.Copy !req
3. And everything's plugged in.Copy !req
4. There you go,
Billy, the proud ownerCopy !req
5. of a working black light.Copy !req
6. Thanks, Dad. My room
is gonna be the coolest!Copy !req
7. I can't wait to see how awesome
my posters are gonna look.Copy !req
8. Well, here we go.Copy !req
9. Oh...Copy !req
10. - I, um...
- All right.Copy !req
11. I'll see you later, Billy.
Um...Copy !req
12. It glows?Copy !req
13. Are you one of the millionsCopy !req
14. of Americans
who've quit smoking onlyCopy !req
15. to find yourself addictedCopy !req
16. to nicotine delivery products
like the patch, the gum,Copy !req
17. or lozenge?Copy !req
18. Nicotine substitutes like
these give youCopy !req
19. no incentive to quit.Copy !req
20. I go through eight to 10
of these a day.Copy !req
21. I feel like
I consume more nicotine nowCopy !req
22. than when I used to smoke.Copy !req
23. I need something to
help me kick these things fast.Copy !req
24. Now there is help.Copy !req
25. Try new Nic-O-Dick,
the nicotine delivery deviceCopy !req
26. that will ensure you use it
as little as humanly possible.Copy !req
27. Nic-O-Dick's patented
delivery system works great.Copy !req
28. Simply insert the unit
in your mouth and slide it inCopy !req
29. and out until you activate
the nicotine release.Copy !req
30. It works. I truly hate, hate
using this product.Copy !req
31. I used to smoke
because it was cool,Copy !req
32. but this is so, so not cool.Copy !req
33. Shame your way to healthCopy !req
34. with this cutting-edge
new product.Copy !req
35. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
36. Nic-O-Dick
comes in various shapesCopy !req
37. and girths ranging
from "Whoa, Mama,"Copy !req
38. to "There's no way
I'm fitting that in there."Copy !req
39. - God damn it.Copy !req
40. - What, is it broken? Ah!Copy !req
41. Each Nic-O-Dick comesCopy !req
42. with a free set of
replacement Nic-O-Balls.Copy !req
43. - Order today.Copy !req
44. Thank you, Nic-O-Dick. I mean,
you, but thanks.Copy !req
45. Why did they make
'em smell so bad?Copy !req
46. Oh, boy. Here comes a brand-new
fresh baby for you, Stork.Copy !req
47. Take this little guy to Somalia.Copy !req
48. - Away, Stork, away!Copy !req
49. - Hey, Doug.
- Hey, Brian.Copy !req
50. It's a beautiful day
to be making babies.Copy !req
51. Hmm. Let's take this oneCopy !req
52. to Detroit.Copy !req
53. - Away, Stork, away!Copy !req
54. Doug, the guys
upstairs have some concerns.Copy !req
55. Why? Productivity's
at a all-time high.Copy !req
56. We're cranking out
more babies than ever.Copy !req
57. Let's send this little guy to,
I don't know,Copy !req
58. - somewhere in the desert.Copy !req
59. - Away, Stork, away!Copy !req
60. Doug. That's the thing.Copy !req
61. The guys upstairs seem to thinkCopy !req
62. that the world's good on babies
for a little while.Copy !req
63. But, Brian, you can
never have too many babies.Copy !req
64. No, Doug, you can.Copy !req
65. The planet's having a
tough enough timeCopy !req
66. sustaining
the human population as it is.Copy !req
67. That's why
world hunger's a thing.Copy !req
68. And if we're gonna point
fingers, kinda'd be your fault.Copy !req
69. But people love having babies.Copy !req
70. To India, to India, to India.Copy !req
71. Away, Stork, away!Copy !req
72. That's another thing, Doug,Copy !req
73. places you're
sending these babies don'tCopy !req
74. exactly need more babies.Copy !req
75. I don't quite know
what you're getting at, Brian.Copy !req
76. To a 14-year-old girl in Ohio.Copy !req
77. Away!Copy !req
78. See, you just need to
show some more discretionCopy !req
79. to where you're sending them.Copy !req
80. To some woman with AIDS.Copy !req
81. Away!Copy !req
82. Now, why would you do that?Copy !req
83. Well, she needs cheering up.Copy !req
84. The woman's sad. She has AIDS.Copy !req
85. All right, I don't
know how else to say this,Copy !req
86. but this is a direct order.Copy !req
87. No more babies.Copy !req
88. - Fine.Copy !req
89. I guess we just
won't make babies anymore.Copy !req
90. - Okay.
- Now, if you'll excuse me.Copy !req
91. I guess I have
to kill these babiesCopy !req
92. that we've already made.Copy !req
93. - Doug. No. Doug!Copy !req
94. Is this what you want, Brian?Copy !req
95. You made me do this, Brian.Copy !req
96. - I hope you're happy.Copy !req
97. To Long Island.Copy !req
98. - Did you fire Doug?
- How'd it go?Copy !req
99. Well, the thing about that is,
Doug's crazy.Copy !req
100. - What'd he do?
- He threw a tantrumCopy !req
101. and started
stabbing all the babies.Copy !req
102. Oh, God. God damn it, okay.Copy !req
103. You know what, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna handle this myself.Copy !req
104. Sorry, baby. There's just
too many of you, apparently.Copy !req
105. - To Long Island.Copy !req
106. - To Long Island.Copy !req
107. Hey, Doug. Wow.Copy !req
108. Brian told me that he had
a little chat with you.Copy !req
109. Yeah, Brian made me do this.Copy !req
110. - Wow.
- To Long Island.Copy !req
111. - So, we are gonna be gettingCopy !req
112. some very unhappy notes fromCopy !req
113. some ladies in
Long Island, I guess.Copy !req
114. Can you hear 'em crying, Brian?Copy !req
115. Can you hear 'em crying?Copy !req
116. Yeah. Yeah, Doug's crazy.Copy !req
117. Oh, God damn it.Copy !req
118. I'm sorry, baby.Copy !req
119. I'm sorry.
They made me hurt you.Copy !req
120. Doug, you need
to stop this at once.Copy !req
121. Can't you see
that children are our future?Copy !req
122. - That song sucks.
- Yep.Copy !req
123. Are you readyCopy !req
124. to take your Nerf
combat to the next level?Copy !req
125. Am I?Copy !req
126. Get ready for
the newest in Nerf warfare.Copy !req
127. The Nerf Nuke.Copy !req
128. Whoa!Copy !req
129. Simply punch in the command codeCopy !req
130. to activate the Nerf Nuke's
plutonium reactor.Copy !req
131. Enter your keys into
the arm launch module,Copy !req
132. and then it's up to you to
make the ultimate decision.Copy !req
133. Hey, guys, my mom
just got me the Nerf Nuke.Copy !req
134. Oh, man, what are we gonna do?
He's got a Nerf Nuke.Copy !req
135. Well, we could pool
our allowances togetherCopy !req
136. and get two Nerf Nukes.Copy !req
137. Why'd you call
this meeting today?Copy !req
138. Was it to give me all your lunch
monies?Copy !req
139. We have recently
acquired two Nerf Nukes.Copy !req
140. - What?
- Mom, Mom.Copy !req
141. I need more
money for Nerf Nukes.Copy !req
142. - I just bought you one.
- Ah!Copy !req
143. Well, can I have my next seven
months allowance up front?Copy !req
144. No, then you won't haveCopy !req
145. any money for
the rest of the year.Copy !req
146. Mom. This is serious.Copy !req
147. Alright,
let's make an agreementCopy !req
148. that none of us will get
any more Nerf Nukes.Copy !req
149. - Agreed.
- Agreed.Copy !req
150. I'm getting one.Copy !req
151. I'm getting a Nerf Nuke also.Copy !req
152. Okay. That kid can
definitely not get a Nerf Nuke.Copy !req
153. - Yeah.
- No way.Copy !req
154. Well I already,
I already have one.Copy !req
155. Actually, my mom got me one,
it's in my basement.Copy !req
156. I don't believe him.
He's too poor.Copy !req
157. Yeah, but what if
he gets like a crappy oneCopy !req
158. from somebody or something?Copy !req
159. Just the fact that he's
looking for one is bad news.Copy !req
160. Maybe we should just
jump him now while we can.Copy !req
161. But he hasn't
done anything to us yet.Copy !req
162. Isn't that messed up?
He's, like, poor.Copy !req
163. The Nerf Nuke.Copy !req
164. Nerf Nuke!Copy !req
165. From the makers of the Cum Bomb.Copy !req
166. Ow!Copy !req
167. Previously on
"The Civil War on Drugs."Copy !req
168. So we need to send
a message to every newspaperCopy !req
169. and let 'em know that we're
gonna throw a demonstrationCopy !req
170. this weekend to try to
keep the weed stuff legal.Copy !req
171. Meet us at that big-ass fieldCopy !req
172. behind the rock quarry.Copy !req
173. The rally should be
just over this ridge here.Copy !req
174. We organized this whole thing.Copy !req
175. Battalion is currently
under the command ofCopy !req
176. General Robert E. Lee, sir.Copy !req
177. You still don't
have to kill people.Copy !req
178. You go and
you talk to Abraham Lincoln.Copy !req
179. Against my better judgment,
I'm gonna put you twoCopy !req
180. in charge of
a small battalion of men.Copy !req
181. We cannot waste an entire
squad on a suicide mission.Copy !req
182. Relax.
We'll give 'em C Brigade.Copy !req
183. And now,
"The Civil War on Drugs."Copy !req
184. I ain't gonna lie.Copy !req
185. When them bad guys
started shooting today,Copy !req
186. I peed all down
the front of my war pants.Copy !req
187. Ain't nobody in C CompanyCopy !req
188. gonna blame
you for that one, buddy.Copy !req
189. Guilty as well.Copy !req
190. I peed the poo outta myself.Copy !req
191. Well, sirs, this is your
company. Listen up, men.Copy !req
192. These are our new commanders.Copy !req
193. This is everybody?Copy !req
194. There may not be a lot of us.Copy !req
195. - You gonna say anything else?
- Me? No.Copy !req
196. Because it sounded like you were
gonna say something else,Copy !req
197. like, "but we're
tough as nails" or,Copy !req
198. "but we've got it where
it counts," or something.Copy !req
199. Oh. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
200. All right. I guess we should
do some introductions.Copy !req
201. I learned this one from
my old school. I just graduated.Copy !req
202. All right, so all you gotta do
is you say your nameCopy !req
203. and one thing you're good at.Copy !req
204. All right, now just
pat your lap like this.Copy !req
205. - Come on.Copy !req
206. Yeah,Copy !req
207. - now we're getting it.Copy !req
208. My name is Sam and I'm
good at karate. Good at karate.Copy !req
209. Good at karate.Copy !req
210. Okay, now, Timmy, take it.Copy !req
211. My name is Timmy
and I'm a really loyal friend,Copy !req
212. and I'm a really
great listener, and—Copy !req
213. I said one thing, Timmy.Copy !req
214. - Sorry.Copy !req
215. My name is Steve.
I go to church a lot.Copy !req
216. Go to church a lot.
Go to church a lot.Copy !req
217. - Yeah.
- My name is DougCopy !req
218. and I can cut a rugCopy !req
219. and I can cut a rug
and I can cut a rug.Copy !req
220. - Alright, Doug.
- Way to go, man.Copy !req
221. My name is Zeke...Copy !req
222. and I once killed a man using
nothing but his own stomach.Copy !req
223. Holy Lord.Copy !req
224. That's Zeke.Copy !req
225. He's the most dangerous man
in the entire army.Copy !req
226. Some say he's
killed over 200 men.Copy !req
227. The only reason
he's in C CompanyCopy !req
228. is because he assaulted
one of his commanding officers.Copy !req
229. Zeke, you gotta say it
three times. Okay, bud?Copy !req
230. Alright.Copy !req
231. It's, "I killed a man
with his own stomach.Copy !req
232. - I killed a man."
- Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.Copy !req
233. Zeke. Are you really as good
as they say?Copy !req
234. I just shot that bullet
perfectlyCopy !req
235. straight up in the air.Copy !req
236. Well, we're glad
to have you aboard.Copy !req
237. You see, with a man
of your reputation, we—Copy !req
238. Well, we're glad
to have you aboard.Copy !req
239. You see, with a man
of your reputation, we—Copy !req
240. Well, I guess
he really was a good shot.Copy !req
241. The perils of battle.Copy !req
242. Yeah. You guys
gotta be way more careful.Copy !req
243. What happened over
there on the field today...Copy !req
244. way outta line.Copy !req
245. If on the way to DC
we run into any moreCopy !req
246. of these anti-protestors,
we needCopy !req
247. - to make sure that we can—
- Anti-protestors?Copy !req
248. Yeah, those
guys you were fighting.Copy !req
249. Hello, the guys you were
fighting today. Come on.Copy !req
250. If we run into any more of those
dudes, we need to make sureCopy !req
251. that we're way,
way, way more safe.Copy !req
252. Now, does anybody
have any suggestionsCopy !req
253. on how we could do that?Copy !req
254. You should talk to Doug.Copy !req
255. He was in 27 battles in
the Mexican-American war.Copy !req
256. Oh, my God. A war?Copy !req
257. Holy shit, dude.Copy !req
258. How'd you survive
something like that?Copy !req
259. Well, I don't like
talking about it too muchCopy !req
260. and I ain't proud
of what I'd done, but,Copy !req
261. but I figure y'all should know.Copy !req
262. The first battle startedCopy !req
263. with Major Zachary Taylor
down in Tijuana.Copy !req
264. - Charge!Copy !req
265. Oh, oh, my shoe,
my shoe's untied.Copy !req
266. Guys, go on without me.
I'll catch up.Copy !req
267. And then I just played dead
through the whole dang thing.Copy !req
268. And then for the second
battle...Copy !req
269. I'll be right with you boys.Copy !req
270. I think I dropped me a quarter.Copy !req
271. And then on my third battle...Copy !req
272. Woo-wee. Hold on there, fellas.Copy !req
273. My stomach is feeling mighty—Copy !req
274. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Doug,Copy !req
275. did you just play dead
through all 27 battles?Copy !req
276. - Not the 24th!
- Well, what happened there?Copy !req
277. I slept in and missed it!Copy !req
278. Weird that you still
say you were in 27.Copy !req
279. I know!Copy !req
280. Whoa, Sam, I don't
really think you should tryCopy !req
281. to smoke the weed
stuff outta that thing.Copy !req
282. It's okay. I checked it.Copy !req
283. Did that just shoot?Copy !req
284. Okay, the first thing
we need to do when we getCopy !req
285. to DC is set up a booth.Copy !req
286. Steve, that's gonna
be your job. All right?Copy !req
287. Okay.Copy !req
288. We're gonna need
a shit ton of flyers. Not it.Copy !req
289. Timmy. That'll be your job.Copy !req
290. Flyers. Got it.Copy !req
291. Proud to serve.Copy !req
292. I'm so lucky I found you guys.Copy !req
293. Whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
294. What's that?Copy !req
295. The pathway is rough and muddy.Copy !req
296. Wait, what was that?Copy !req
297. I said the pathway
is rough and muddy.Copy !req
298. - That's a Confederate code.
- A what-what?Copy !req
299. We have to yell back
the proper responseCopy !req
300. so that he'll
know that we're allies.Copy !req
301. But my bedroom
is warm and inviting!Copy !req
302. My musk is strong and earthy,
young one.Copy !req
303. I have prepared my
body with oils and perfumes.Copy !req
304. I approach as a man on fire.Copy !req
305. What's going on
with these codes, man?Copy !req
306. I quiver with anticipationCopy !req
307. as your scent fills my nostrils.Copy !req
308. My heart pounds like thunderCopy !req
309. and my loins throb with blood.Copy !req
310. I grow moist as
I bring you closer and closer.Copy !req
311. Right into my—Copy !req
312. - Hey!
- Good to see you!Copy !req
313. Good to see you, buddy.
Alright. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
314. I thought
you might be one of them.Copy !req
315. What, one of
those sissy northerners?Copy !req
316. No way.Copy !req
317. So what brings
you this far north?Copy !req
318. Spying, doing some spying,Copy !req
319. for general Stonewall Jackson.Copy !req
320. Wow.Copy !req
321. What have you learned,
my handsome friend?Copy !req
322. Well, Grant's got
a few of his elite soldiersCopy !req
323. coming this way.Copy !req
324. They should be here
in a matter of seconds.Copy !req
325. Oh, my God.Copy !req
326. But General Stonewall
Jackson's got 400Copy !req
327. of the meanest
sons of bitches in DixieCopy !req
328. heading this way
to send them home,Copy !req
329. crying to their mammies.Copy !req
330. Whole thing
should go down right hereCopy !req
331. in about one or two minutes.Copy !req
332. What do we do?Copy !req
333. I'd say load up
your muskets, son.Copy !req
334. You boys are right
in the eye of the storm.Copy !req
335. Holy crap.Copy !req
336. Sirs, sirs!Copy !req
337. Sirs, sirs!Copy !req
338. Trouble. There's
gonna be trouble!Copy !req
339. A huge battle's aboutCopy !req
340. to happen right
here in like two minutes.Copy !req
341. What? Uh-uh.Copy !req
342. No. We're not
doing battles anymore.Copy !req
343. No, the union soldiers
are headed here right now.Copy !req
344. - What?
- Anti-protestors!Copy !req
345. You know what? Good.Copy !req
346. This will give us
a chance to sit down with themCopy !req
347. and finally talk
this whole thing out.Copy !req
348. Oh, guys, my
stomach is killing me.Copy !req
349. I must've ate some
bad bacon or something.Copy !req
350. You go on without me.
I'll catch up with you later.Copy !req
351. Oh, oh, oh yeah...Copy !req
352. My, my stomach hurts too.
Oh, that's bad.Copy !req
353. Yeah, mine does too.Copy !req
354. Must be a virus
going around or something.Copy !req
355. Come on, men.
Richmond is that a-way.Copy !req
356. Not so fast, Yankee dogs!Copy !req
357. Look, it's the Confederate army.Copy !req
358. Rip 'em apart, y'all.Copy !req
359. Let's get 'em, boys!Copy !req
360. - We hate you.
- We hate you!Copy !req
361. Alright, well, kill them,
kill them all.Copy !req
362. Hey, dude, they're done.Copy !req
363. They did it again.Copy !req
364. These guys, man.Copy !req
365. Well, that's 28.Copy !req
366. Shame, shame, shame,Copy !req
367. what a shame. Oh,
that's gonna be a good one.Copy !req
368. Well, I'll be, looks like
we have some people left.Copy !req
369. - What?
- Names?Copy !req
370. - What?
- Names, please?Copy !req
371. I'm Trevor Moore
and this is Sam.Copy !req
372. Hey, what is your last name?Copy !req
373. - Brown.
- How did I not know that?Copy !req
374. - I don't know, man.
- That's so funny.Copy !req
375. I must have
just never asked you.Copy !req
376. - Isn't that funny?
- No, not really.Copy !req
377. Well, it looks like
you guys are the onlyCopy !req
378. survivors of the biggest battleCopy !req
379. of this whole mess so far.Copy !req
380. Yeah.
Look, I know things look bad,Copy !req
381. but this thing
doesn't have to be like this.Copy !req
382. Yeah. This wasn't how
it was supposed to go down.Copy !req
383. Looks bad. Supposed to go down.Copy !req
384. Got it.Copy !req
385. Hey, wait, wait
a minute. Who are you?Copy !req
386. Name's Bernie Templeton. I'm
a journalist and a reporter.Copy !req
387. And you boys just became war
heroes. Say cheese!Copy !req
388. War heroes?Copy !req
389. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
390. Look, this thing
doesn't have to be a wa—Copy !req
391. This came today,
General Grant.Copy !req
392. - I want these boys dead.Copy !req
393. Next on
"The Civil War on Drugs."Copy !req
394. Who are you guys?Copy !req
395. I must report this
to General Grant at once.Copy !req
396. - Sam, run.
- Extra. Extra.Copy !req
397. You're not
gonna survive the day.Copy !req
398. - Skunks. Wieners.Copy !req
399. No, we're going to
DC to talk some senseCopy !req
400. into President Lincoln.Copy !req
401. How do we do that?Copy !req
402. It looks like your infection
somehow got infected.Copy !req
403. What-what do we do?Copy !req
404. - I want these boys dead.Copy !req
405. Alright. Fuck this shit.Copy !req
406. It's 5:00 p.m.
Let's call it a day.Copy !req
407. "The Civil War on Drugs."Copy !req
408. Holy shit!Copy !req
409. Okay, just leave. Leave that.Copy !req