1. - All right.
Copy !req
2. That seems to be
in there pretty securely.
Copy !req
3. And everything's plugged in.
Copy !req
4. There you go,
Billy, the proud owner
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5. of a working black light.
Copy !req
6. Thanks, Dad. My room
is gonna be the coolest!
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7. I can't wait to see how awesome
my posters are gonna look.
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8. Well, here we go.
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9. Oh...
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10. - I, um...
- All right.
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11. I'll see you later, Billy.
Um...
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12. It glows?
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13. Are you one of the millions
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14. of Americans
who've quit smoking only
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15. to find yourself addicted
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16. to nicotine delivery products
like the patch, the gum,
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17. or lozenge?
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18. Nicotine substitutes like
these give you
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19. no incentive to quit.
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20. I go through eight to 10
of these a day.
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21. I feel like
I consume more nicotine now
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22. than when I used to smoke.
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23. I need something to
help me kick these things fast.
Copy !req
24. Now there is help.
Copy !req
25. Try new Nic-O-Dick,
the nicotine delivery device
Copy !req
26. that will ensure you use it
as little as humanly possible.
Copy !req
27. Nic-O-Dick's patented
delivery system works great.
Copy !req
28. Simply insert the unit
in your mouth and slide it in
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29. and out until you activate
the nicotine release.
Copy !req
30. It works. I truly hate, hate
using this product.
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31. I used to smoke
because it was cool,
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32. but this is so, so not cool.
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33. Shame your way to health
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34. with this cutting-edge
new product.
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35. This is ridiculous.
Copy !req
36. Nic-O-Dick
comes in various shapes
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37. and girths ranging
from "Whoa, Mama,"
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38. to "There's no way
I'm fitting that in there."
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39. - God damn it.
Copy !req
40. - What, is it broken? Ah!
Copy !req
41. Each Nic-O-Dick comes
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42. with a free set of
replacement Nic-O-Balls.
Copy !req
43. - Order today.
Copy !req
44. Thank you, Nic-O-Dick. I mean,
you, but thanks.
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45. Why did they make
'em smell so bad?
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46. Oh, boy. Here comes a brand-new
fresh baby for you, Stork.
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47. Take this little guy to Somalia.
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48. - Away, Stork, away!
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49. - Hey, Doug.
- Hey, Brian.
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50. It's a beautiful day
to be making babies.
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51. Hmm. Let's take this one
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52. to Detroit.
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53. - Away, Stork, away!
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54. Doug, the guys
upstairs have some concerns.
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55. Why? Productivity's
at a all-time high.
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56. We're cranking out
more babies than ever.
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57. Let's send this little guy to,
I don't know,
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58. - somewhere in the desert.
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59. - Away, Stork, away!
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60. Doug. That's the thing.
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61. The guys upstairs seem to think
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62. that the world's good on babies
for a little while.
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63. But, Brian, you can
never have too many babies.
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64. No, Doug, you can.
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65. The planet's having a
tough enough time
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66. sustaining
the human population as it is.
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67. That's why
world hunger's a thing.
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68. And if we're gonna point
fingers, kinda'd be your fault.
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69. But people love having babies.
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70. To India, to India, to India.
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71. Away, Stork, away!
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72. That's another thing, Doug,
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73. places you're
sending these babies don't
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74. exactly need more babies.
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75. I don't quite know
what you're getting at, Brian.
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76. To a 14-year-old girl in Ohio.
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77. Away!
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78. See, you just need to
show some more discretion
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79. to where you're sending them.
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80. To some woman with AIDS.
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81. Away!
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82. Now, why would you do that?
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83. Well, she needs cheering up.
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84. The woman's sad. She has AIDS.
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85. All right, I don't
know how else to say this,
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86. but this is a direct order.
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87. No more babies.
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88. - Fine.
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89. I guess we just
won't make babies anymore.
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90. - Okay.
- Now, if you'll excuse me.
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91. I guess I have
to kill these babies
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92. that we've already made.
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93. - Doug. No. Doug!
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94. Is this what you want, Brian?
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95. You made me do this, Brian.
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96. - I hope you're happy.
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97. To Long Island.
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98. - Did you fire Doug?
- How'd it go?
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99. Well, the thing about that is,
Doug's crazy.
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100. - What'd he do?
- He threw a tantrum
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101. and started
stabbing all the babies.
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102. Oh, God. God damn it, okay.
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103. You know what, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna handle this myself.
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104. Sorry, baby. There's just
too many of you, apparently.
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105. - To Long Island.
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106. - To Long Island.
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107. Hey, Doug. Wow.
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108. Brian told me that he had
a little chat with you.
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109. Yeah, Brian made me do this.
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110. - Wow.
- To Long Island.
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111. - So, we are gonna be getting
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112. some very unhappy notes from
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113. some ladies in
Long Island, I guess.
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114. Can you hear 'em crying, Brian?
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115. Can you hear 'em crying?
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116. Yeah. Yeah, Doug's crazy.
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117. Oh, God damn it.
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118. I'm sorry, baby.
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119. I'm sorry.
They made me hurt you.
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120. Doug, you need
to stop this at once.
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121. Can't you see
that children are our future?
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122. - That song sucks.
- Yep.
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123. Are you ready
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124. to take your Nerf
combat to the next level?
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125. Am I?
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126. Get ready for
the newest in Nerf warfare.
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127. The Nerf Nuke.
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128. Whoa!
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129. Simply punch in the command code
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130. to activate the Nerf Nuke's
plutonium reactor.
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131. Enter your keys into
the arm launch module,
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132. and then it's up to you to
make the ultimate decision.
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133. Hey, guys, my mom
just got me the Nerf Nuke.
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134. Oh, man, what are we gonna do?
He's got a Nerf Nuke.
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135. Well, we could pool
our allowances together
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136. and get two Nerf Nukes.
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137. Why'd you call
this meeting today?
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138. Was it to give me all your lunch
monies?
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139. We have recently
acquired two Nerf Nukes.
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140. - What?
- Mom, Mom.
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141. I need more
money for Nerf Nukes.
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142. - I just bought you one.
- Ah!
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143. Well, can I have my next seven
months allowance up front?
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144. No, then you won't have
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145. any money for
the rest of the year.
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146. Mom. This is serious.
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147. Alright,
let's make an agreement
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148. that none of us will get
any more Nerf Nukes.
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149. - Agreed.
- Agreed.
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150. I'm getting one.
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151. I'm getting a Nerf Nuke also.
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152. Okay. That kid can
definitely not get a Nerf Nuke.
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153. - Yeah.
- No way.
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154. Well I already,
I already have one.
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155. Actually, my mom got me one,
it's in my basement.
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156. I don't believe him.
He's too poor.
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157. Yeah, but what if
he gets like a crappy one
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158. from somebody or something?
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159. Just the fact that he's
looking for one is bad news.
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160. Maybe we should just
jump him now while we can.
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161. But he hasn't
done anything to us yet.
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162. Isn't that messed up?
He's, like, poor.
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163. The Nerf Nuke.
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164. Nerf Nuke!
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165. From the makers of the Cum Bomb.
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166. Ow!
Copy !req
167. Previously on
"The Civil War on Drugs."
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168. So we need to send
a message to every newspaper
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169. and let 'em know that we're
gonna throw a demonstration
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170. this weekend to try to
keep the weed stuff legal.
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171. Meet us at that big-ass field
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172. behind the rock quarry.
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173. The rally should be
just over this ridge here.
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174. We organized this whole thing.
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175. Battalion is currently
under the command of
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176. General Robert E. Lee, sir.
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177. You still don't
have to kill people.
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178. You go and
you talk to Abraham Lincoln.
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179. Against my better judgment,
I'm gonna put you two
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180. in charge of
a small battalion of men.
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181. We cannot waste an entire
squad on a suicide mission.
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182. Relax.
We'll give 'em C Brigade.
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183. And now,
"The Civil War on Drugs."
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184. I ain't gonna lie.
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185. When them bad guys
started shooting today,
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186. I peed all down
the front of my war pants.
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187. Ain't nobody in C Company
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188. gonna blame
you for that one, buddy.
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189. Guilty as well.
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190. I peed the poo outta myself.
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191. Well, sirs, this is your
company. Listen up, men.
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192. These are our new commanders.
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193. This is everybody?
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194. There may not be a lot of us.
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195. - You gonna say anything else?
- Me? No.
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196. Because it sounded like you were
gonna say something else,
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197. like, "but we're
tough as nails" or,
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198. "but we've got it where
it counts," or something.
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199. Oh. No, no, no, no, no.
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200. All right. I guess we should
do some introductions.
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201. I learned this one from
my old school. I just graduated.
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202. All right, so all you gotta do
is you say your name
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203. and one thing you're good at.
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204. All right, now just
pat your lap like this.
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205. - Come on.
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206. Yeah,
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207. - now we're getting it.
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208. My name is Sam and I'm
good at karate. Good at karate.
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209. Good at karate.
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210. Okay, now, Timmy, take it.
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211. My name is Timmy
and I'm a really loyal friend,
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212. and I'm a really
great listener, and—
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213. I said one thing, Timmy.
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214. - Sorry.
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215. My name is Steve.
I go to church a lot.
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216. Go to church a lot.
Go to church a lot.
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217. - Yeah.
- My name is Doug
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218. and I can cut a rug
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219. and I can cut a rug
and I can cut a rug.
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220. - Alright, Doug.
- Way to go, man.
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221. My name is Zeke...
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222. and I once killed a man using
nothing but his own stomach.
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223. Holy Lord.
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224. That's Zeke.
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225. He's the most dangerous man
in the entire army.
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226. Some say he's
killed over 200 men.
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227. The only reason
he's in C Company
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228. is because he assaulted
one of his commanding officers.
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229. Zeke, you gotta say it
three times. Okay, bud?
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230. Alright.
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231. It's, "I killed a man
with his own stomach.
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232. - I killed a man."
- Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.
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233. Zeke. Are you really as good
as they say?
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234. I just shot that bullet
perfectly
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235. straight up in the air.
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236. Well, we're glad
to have you aboard.
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237. You see, with a man
of your reputation, we—
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238. Well, we're glad
to have you aboard.
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239. You see, with a man
of your reputation, we—
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240. Well, I guess
he really was a good shot.
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241. The perils of battle.
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242. Yeah. You guys
gotta be way more careful.
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243. What happened over
there on the field today...
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244. way outta line.
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245. If on the way to DC
we run into any more
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246. of these anti-protestors,
we need
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247. - to make sure that we can—
- Anti-protestors?
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248. Yeah, those
guys you were fighting.
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249. Hello, the guys you were
fighting today. Come on.
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250. If we run into any more of those
dudes, we need to make sure
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251. that we're way,
way, way more safe.
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252. Now, does anybody
have any suggestions
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253. on how we could do that?
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254. You should talk to Doug.
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255. He was in 27 battles in
the Mexican-American war.
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256. Oh, my God. A war?
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257. Holy shit, dude.
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258. How'd you survive
something like that?
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259. Well, I don't like
talking about it too much
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260. and I ain't proud
of what I'd done, but,
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261. but I figure y'all should know.
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262. The first battle started
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263. with Major Zachary Taylor
down in Tijuana.
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264. - Charge!
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265. Oh, oh, my shoe,
my shoe's untied.
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266. Guys, go on without me.
I'll catch up.
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267. And then I just played dead
through the whole dang thing.
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268. And then for the second
battle...
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269. I'll be right with you boys.
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270. I think I dropped me a quarter.
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271. And then on my third battle...
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272. Woo-wee. Hold on there, fellas.
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273. My stomach is feeling mighty—
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274. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Doug,
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275. did you just play dead
through all 27 battles?
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276. - Not the 24th!
- Well, what happened there?
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277. I slept in and missed it!
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278. Weird that you still
say you were in 27.
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279. I know!
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280. Whoa, Sam, I don't
really think you should try
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281. to smoke the weed
stuff outta that thing.
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282. It's okay. I checked it.
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283. Did that just shoot?
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284. Okay, the first thing
we need to do when we get
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285. to DC is set up a booth.
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286. Steve, that's gonna
be your job. All right?
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287. Okay.
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288. We're gonna need
a shit ton of flyers. Not it.
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289. Timmy. That'll be your job.
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290. Flyers. Got it.
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291. Proud to serve.
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292. I'm so lucky I found you guys.
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293. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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294. What's that?
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295. The pathway is rough and muddy.
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296. Wait, what was that?
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297. I said the pathway
is rough and muddy.
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298. - That's a Confederate code.
- A what-what?
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299. We have to yell back
the proper response
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300. so that he'll
know that we're allies.
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301. But my bedroom
is warm and inviting!
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302. My musk is strong and earthy,
young one.
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303. I have prepared my
body with oils and perfumes.
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304. I approach as a man on fire.
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305. What's going on
with these codes, man?
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306. I quiver with anticipation
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307. as your scent fills my nostrils.
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308. My heart pounds like thunder
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309. and my loins throb with blood.
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310. I grow moist as
I bring you closer and closer.
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311. Right into my—
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312. - Hey!
- Good to see you!
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313. Good to see you, buddy.
Alright. Yeah. Yeah.
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314. I thought
you might be one of them.
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315. What, one of
those sissy northerners?
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316. No way.
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317. So what brings
you this far north?
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318. Spying, doing some spying,
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319. for general Stonewall Jackson.
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320. Wow.
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321. What have you learned,
my handsome friend?
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322. Well, Grant's got
a few of his elite soldiers
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323. coming this way.
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324. They should be here
in a matter of seconds.
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325. Oh, my God.
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326. But General Stonewall
Jackson's got 400
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327. of the meanest
sons of bitches in Dixie
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328. heading this way
to send them home,
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329. crying to their mammies.
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330. Whole thing
should go down right here
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331. in about one or two minutes.
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332. What do we do?
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333. I'd say load up
your muskets, son.
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334. You boys are right
in the eye of the storm.
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335. Holy crap.
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336. Sirs, sirs!
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337. Sirs, sirs!
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338. Trouble. There's
gonna be trouble!
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339. A huge battle's about
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340. to happen right
here in like two minutes.
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341. What? Uh-uh.
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342. No. We're not
doing battles anymore.
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343. No, the union soldiers
are headed here right now.
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344. - What?
- Anti-protestors!
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345. You know what? Good.
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346. This will give us
a chance to sit down with them
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347. and finally talk
this whole thing out.
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348. Oh, guys, my
stomach is killing me.
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349. I must've ate some
bad bacon or something.
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350. You go on without me.
I'll catch up with you later.
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351. Oh, oh, oh yeah...
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352. My, my stomach hurts too.
Oh, that's bad.
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353. Yeah, mine does too.
Copy !req
354. Must be a virus
going around or something.
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355. Come on, men.
Richmond is that a-way.
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356. Not so fast, Yankee dogs!
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357. Look, it's the Confederate army.
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358. Rip 'em apart, y'all.
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359. Let's get 'em, boys!
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360. - We hate you.
- We hate you!
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361. Alright, well, kill them,
kill them all.
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362. Hey, dude, they're done.
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363. They did it again.
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364. These guys, man.
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365. Well, that's 28.
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366. Shame, shame, shame,
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367. what a shame. Oh,
that's gonna be a good one.
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368. Well, I'll be, looks like
we have some people left.
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369. - What?
- Names?
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370. - What?
- Names, please?
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371. I'm Trevor Moore
and this is Sam.
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372. Hey, what is your last name?
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373. - Brown.
- How did I not know that?
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374. - I don't know, man.
- That's so funny.
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375. I must have
just never asked you.
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376. - Isn't that funny?
- No, not really.
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377. Well, it looks like
you guys are the only
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378. survivors of the biggest battle
Copy !req
379. of this whole mess so far.
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380. Yeah.
Look, I know things look bad,
Copy !req
381. but this thing
doesn't have to be like this.
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382. Yeah. This wasn't how
it was supposed to go down.
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383. Looks bad. Supposed to go down.
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384. Got it.
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385. Hey, wait, wait
a minute. Who are you?
Copy !req
386. Name's Bernie Templeton. I'm
a journalist and a reporter.
Copy !req
387. And you boys just became war
heroes. Say cheese!
Copy !req
388. War heroes?
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389. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
390. Look, this thing
doesn't have to be a wa—
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391. This came today,
General Grant.
Copy !req
392. - I want these boys dead.
Copy !req
393. Next on
"The Civil War on Drugs."
Copy !req
394. Who are you guys?
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395. I must report this
to General Grant at once.
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396. - Sam, run.
- Extra. Extra.
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397. You're not
gonna survive the day.
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398. - Skunks. Wieners.
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399. No, we're going to
DC to talk some sense
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400. into President Lincoln.
Copy !req
401. How do we do that?
Copy !req
402. It looks like your infection
somehow got infected.
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403. What-what do we do?
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404. - I want these boys dead.
Copy !req
405. Alright. Fuck this shit.
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406. It's 5:00 p.m.
Let's call it a day.
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407. "The Civil War on Drugs."
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408. Holy shit!
Copy !req
409. Okay, just leave. Leave that.
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