1. And somebody put an empty
cereal box back in the cupboard.
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2. Don't worry, kids, Dad
will throw it in the garbage.
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3. Sorry, Dad.
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4. Oh, no, no, no, no,
no. Don't worry about it.
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5. That's what us dads are
here for. To clean up after you.
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6. You don't have to do that, Dad.
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7. Oh, look over here.
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8. Nobody fed the dog
today. Don't worry, family.
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9. Dad'll do it. Don't get up.
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10. Dad, I'll do it right
after I finish eating.
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11. No, no, no, no, no,
Tommy. You stay comfortable.
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12. Dad's on
the job like he always is.
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13. Dad, you don't have to do that.
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14. Oh, and the dog
pooped on the floor.
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15. Don't worry, everybody.
Dad will pick it up.
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16. Oh, I didn't see that before.
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17. - Let me just clean—
- No, no, no, Mom.
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18. You go back and
you keep making breakfast.
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19. Dad's here to save
the day like he always does.
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20. Hey, look over here.
We're out of paper towels.
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21. There's some in the basement.
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22. - I'll just go get—
- No, no, no, no. It's okay.
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23. Dad will just pick up
the dog poop with his bare hands
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24. since apparently
no one in this family
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25. can do anything for themselves.
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26. Dad, don't pick that up.
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27. - You don't have to do that.
- Richard.
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28. Oh, look over there.
We're out of trash bags.
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29. There's some
in the other drawer.
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30. No, no, it's okay.
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31. Dad will just put the dog poop
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32. in the pocket of
his nice dress shirt.
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33. You know,
the one he was gonna wear
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34. to his big
important meeting today?
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35. Dad, gross.
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36. You don't have to do that.
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37. I sure hope
I don't get fired at work.
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38. Family. Always
expecting me to do it.
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39. Dad, what are you doing?
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40. Well, I drove by and I noticed
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41. that you hadn't
rotated your tires.
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42. Dad, you don't have to do that.
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43. No, no.
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44. By all means, I wouldn't want
you to get into an accident.
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45. Dad, I was gonna
get to that this weekend.
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46. Jasper, you got
your doctor's appointment
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47. at 4:30 this afternoon.
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48. - Don't forget.
- I know that, Dad!
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49. People of the United States,
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50. it has been 24 hours
since the zombie uprising,
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51. and I'm speaking to you today
with a message of hope.
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52. Army Intelligence
has recently learned that
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53. within three to four hours,
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54. the infected will
stop being zombies.
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55. Now, that leads me to my
second point of this address,
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56. which is actually
somewhat of an apology.
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57. I know full well that I got
on this very television
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58. yesterday, and I told you
people, I believe the quote was,
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59. "Shoot these zombie assholes
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60. right in
their faces by God."
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61. Now, I'm fully aware
that many of those faces
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62. might have belonged
to some of your friends
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63. and/or loved ones.
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64. So, in light of the confusion,
I'd like you all to know
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65. that none of
you will be held responsible
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66. for the murder of
said zombie loved ones.
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67. I'm also aware that many
of you might be holed up
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68. in grocery stores and
bomb shelters, log cabins,
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69. and abandoned shopping malls,
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70. and will not have
access to outside information,
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71. and thus will not be
aware of the impending reversal
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72. of the zombie condition.
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73. It seems hardly fair to
hold these people responsible
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74. for whatever defensive
actions they might take.
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75. So the United States government
will not be prosecuting
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76. any acts of violence
for the next two weeks.
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77. That's two weeks you guys have, okay?
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78. Now, I don't want any of you
hootenannies getting any ideas
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79. and heading down
to the local skate park
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80. to take out those punk kids
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81. who are always calling
you an old military queer,
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82. like a man can't just enjoy
the mere laughter of children.
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83. No, this is just for justifiable
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84. mistaken zombie murder, okay?
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85. And I'm again,
sorry about the whole
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86. friends and loved ones thing.
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87. And, uh, yeah...
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88. Well, that's done.
This plan is working perfect.
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89. Two more weeks of this
and our overpopulation problem's
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90. - gonna be gone.
- Then we can stop putting
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91. all that fluoride in the water.
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92. Yeah, and stop
spraying all that cancer
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93. - from the airplanes.
- Oh, hey.
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94. Do you guys wanna
go down the skate park
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95. to look at the boys?
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96. Boys, boys.
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97. Brakes.
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98. Brakes.
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99. Brakes.
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100. Hey.
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101. Brakes.
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102. Brakes.
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103. Brakes.
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104. Oh, my God. I am so late.
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105. Where the heck is my scrunchie?
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106. Oh, great.
Courtney's here already?
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107. Okay, I have cheerleading
practice after school,
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108. so I'll be home late.
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109. I love you. Bye.
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110. Dad, why is my sister so hot?
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111. I have no idea.
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112. I mean, I'm not crazy, right?
Like, she's hot.
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113. - It's insane how hot she is.
- Was Mom ever that hot?
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114. - God, no.
- I feel bad.
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115. Like I'm up for
being attracted to my sister.
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116. I think I am in
a little worse of a position.
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117. - I mean, did you see her ass?
- Yes.
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118. What was that? A skirt?
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119. I don't know.
It was, like, painted on.
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120. This house is
ridiculous. I hate my kids.
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121. - Hey.
- I gotta move her room
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122. to the back shed or something.
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123. Or, I don't know. Send
her on a semester abroad.
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124. No, Dad, hot
girls only get hotter
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125. - if you move them to Europe.
- Son of a bitch.
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126. And it doesn't help that
she leaves her doors wide open
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127. every time she changes.
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128. Yesterday I saw
her get into a bikini.
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129. Oh, boo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
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130. I have to go to each
one of her swim meets.
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131. - Oh, Dad, she's coming back.
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132. Oh, just quick.
Look at your breakfast.
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133. - I'm back.
- What do you want?
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134. I forgot my
cheerleading underwear.
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135. - Oh, God.
- Well just get it,
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136. and get out, you minx.
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137. - What?
- Nothing. Just go to school.
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138. - Are you mad at me?
- No, I'm, I'm not mad.
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139. I'm just, I'm having
a really hard day today.
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140. Oh, I'm sorry, Daddy.
Let me give you a hug.
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141. Well, no, that's not, no.
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142. Lacey, Lacey, Lacey,
Lacey. Lacey. Lacey. Lacey.
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143. Lacey.
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144. Are we using a different
detergent around here?
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145. I don't know. I don't care.
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146. I think we are.
Look, I have a rash.
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147. - Oh, come on.
- What?
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148. - Put your shirt down.
- Oh, Daddy.
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149. It's just a human body.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
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150. It is, and I am.
I am so ashamed.
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151. - It's a girl.
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152. - It's a girl.
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153. - It's a girl.
- You know what?
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154. I don't think
I should be a father.
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155. - Yeah, I'm outta here.
- Harold?
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156. No, it's for the best.
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157. Billy, I'm home
from the church store.
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158. - Okay.
- Oh, who are you
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159. - chatting with?
- Just Adam.
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160. - Oh, Adam?
- How's Adam doing?
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161. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, well, tell Adam
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162. - that I say hello.
- Whatever.
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163. It always amazes me
how fast you kids type.
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164. So what are you emailing about?
Megabytes?
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165. - Mom, go away.
- What's, what's that mean?
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166. - Carol's mom is a milf.
- Oh, Mom.
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167. You're invading
my personal space.
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168. Billy, what's a milf?
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169. I don't want Adam
talking bad about Mrs. Carlisle.
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170. It's not bad. It's just nothing.
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171. - What's a milf?
- Nothing, Mom.
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172. - Billy. What's a milf?
- Mom, why are you
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173. - always up my butt?
- Tell me.
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174. It just means
a good-looking older lady.
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175. Oh, hmm.
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176. - Am I a milf?
- Oh, my God, Mom.
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177. Come on. You think
I'm a milf, don't you, Billy?
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178. - Mom, go away.
- Well, I think I'm a milf.
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179. Kind of like the sound of that.
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180. Bonnie the milf. Watch out.
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181. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, that reminds me.
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182. I'm going out
with Deborah later.
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183. I better go slip
into something milfy.
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184. What do you think's milfiest?
My blue sleeveless dress?
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185. Or that fun top with
the Christmas lights?
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186. Mom, I can't answer
these questions, okay?
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187. Billy, let me tell
you something about women.
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188. - No.
- Billy,
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189. sometimes women like
to hear that they're a milf.
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190. - It makes us feel good.
Okay?
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191. It means.
Mother I'd Like To.
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192. - Oh.
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193. Okay.
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194. You can just go on,
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195. have your little conversation...
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196. with your friend Adam,
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197. and I'll just go
in the other room.
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198. - Hello?
- Holy shit, Gloria.
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199. I think you have
an in with that Adam kid.
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200. Thank you, and
welcome to Making Animals Kiss.
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201. Today we'll be
starting with a dog
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202. and a cat.
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203. Kiss him. Kiss him.
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204. We're not
leaving until you kiss him.
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205. There. See?
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206. Now we have a cat
and an iguana. Kiss him.
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207. You be quiet.
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208. Oh, I believe we have a caller.
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209. Caller, you're on the air.
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210. Hi, is that dog gone already?
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211. No, the dog's right here.
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212. Could you bring the dog back
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213. and have him kiss the cat again,
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214. but could he be
wearing a wedding dress?
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215. - Yes, we can.
He loves it.
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216. Mm, yeah. I'm not so sure.
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217. He doesn't seem
to be reacting at all.
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218. How are
you enjoying the TV show?
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219. - See?
- Oh, yeah.
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220. Okay, pick it up. Pick it up.
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221. Previously on
"The Civil War on Drugs."
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222. You gotta leave town.
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223. We're gonna throw
a demonstration this weekend
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224. to try to keep
the weed stuff legal.
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225. Who's the girl brains here?
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226. Don't call me girl brains.
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227. You go and
you talk to Abraham Lincoln.
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228. We cannot waste an entire
squad on a suicide mission.
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229. These are our new commanders.
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230. And then I just played dead
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231. through the whole
dang thing.
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232. What's that?
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233. The Union soldiers
are headed here right now.
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234. This will give us
a chance to sit down with 'em
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235. and finally talk
this whole thing out.
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236. - My stomach is killing me.
- My stomach hurts too.
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237. Must be a virus going around.
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238. And now,
"The Civil War on Drugs."
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239. You boys just became war heroes.
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240. War heroes. No,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
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241. - Look—
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242. This came today, General Grant.
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243. I want these boys dead.
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244. Extra, extra. Read all about it.
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245. Local boys
become Confederate heroes.
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246. Don't that be tall.
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247. Well, it looks like your
infection somehow got infected.
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248. Oh,
look at this, Doc.
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249. That there's my boy.
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250. People can't get
enough of this story, sir.
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251. These two boys are
the talk of the nation.
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252. These two girl brains might
prove to be useful after all.
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253. Send word that they're
to abort the suicide mission.
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254. They keep heading
north to Washington,
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255. they're not
gonna survive the day.
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256. - Aye, aye, sir.
- Did you,
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257. did you see
I called them the girl brains?
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258. - I did, sir.
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259. So the sun moves
from east to west, right?
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260. - Yeah.
- Then that means that
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261. the wind moves
from north to south, right?
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262. Yeah. Ah,
it hurts looking at the sun.
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263. Yeah, that's why
we use the wind, moron.
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264. So it goes, "never eat
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265. - skunks' wieners."
- No, no, no.
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266. It goes, "never
eat skunks' wieners."
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267. No, no, no, it goes,
"never eat skunks' wieners."
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268. - Uh-uh. Never. Yes.
- Never.
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269. - Eat.
- Eat. No, no, no.
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270. - Never eat.
- Never eat.
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271. - It goes this way.
- No, you're wrong.
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272. - It goes this way.
- No, it goes—
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273. Hey, maybe you guys wanna
try doing that side by side.
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274. Never eat. Yes.
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275. - Skunks' wieners.
- Why don't you
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276. ever listen to me?
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277. Thought you were retarded for
a second.
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278. All right. So now
we just have to figure out
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279. which way the wind is blowing.
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280. Yeah. How do we do that?
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281. Easy. Just do that.
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282. All right.
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283. Why did you do that?
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284. What? You told me to.
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285. - Why did you do that?
- You said to.
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286. Don't ever do that.
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287. Hey, it's that thing.
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288. Hey, guys, the compass
says that north is that a-way.
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289. - Up that mountain?
- That's a hill.
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290. Uh, I don't think
north is that way, Doug.
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291. All right, this shit.
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292. It's 5:00 p.m.
Let's call it a day.
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293. - It's not 5:00 p.m.
- Doug, feel the wind.
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294. All right, we've been
marching for a couple hours now.
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295. Let's just set up camp, okay?
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296. Oh, gross. There's
blood all over the tent.
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297. Oh, yeah, sorry.
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298. Dragged it through some dead
dude goo at that last battle.
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299. Here,
help me wring it out.
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300. - Ew.
- Oh, gross.
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301. - Gross.
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302. Well, I got the poles, guys.
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303. Whoa.
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304. - That looks awesome.
- What do you mean?
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305. It just kind of
looks like big old mess.
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306. Here, smoke this.
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307. Oh, yeah,
that does look kind of cool.
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308. I want my shirt
to look like that.
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309. Oh, good idea.
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310. We should tie strings around 'em
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311. and then dye 'em
in the blood puddle.
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312. My God, they're
decorating themselves
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313. with the blood of their victims.
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314. They're savages.
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315. I must report this to
General Grant at once.
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316. Spy, spy, spy, spy.
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317. This is the coolest
thing that my eyes
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318. have ever looked at.
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319. Mine looks like it sounds
like wah, wah, wah, wah, wah,
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320. wah, wah, wah, wah, wah—
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321. Yeah, mine looks
like it's, like...
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322. Hey, look,
it's those things again.
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323. So beautiful.
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324. They're coming over here.
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325. Oh, well, what, what do we do?
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326. Are, are we dying?
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327. My stomach ain't
doing me right, guys.
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328. - Uh, hi.
- Hi.
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329. H-hi.
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330. We are the Pony Express.
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331. Who are you guys?
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332. Why are you guys
dressed like that?
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333. In these troubled times,
travel can be just as perilous
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334. as combat, sweetheart.
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335. So we disguise
ourselves so we can slip
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336. through
enemies' camps unnoticed.
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337. And deliver you the mail.
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338. The following is a message
from General Robert E. Lee.
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339. - You are to—
Stop.
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340. what you are
doing and immediately turn
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341. your sweet patootie
back around and head back
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342. - to headquarters.
- What? No.
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343. We're going to DC to talk some
sense into President Lincoln.
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344. Mm-mm, sorry, boyfriend.
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345. General Lee wants
you to lead a battalion
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346. - of his finest men.
- We have a battalion.
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347. - We have Doug.
- Hey, I'm Doug.
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348. Just tough titties, sweetheart,
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349. 'cause you all
are war heroes now,
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350. and he wants you in the battle.
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351. Oh, man, again, with
the fighting? What a dick bag.
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352. Why is everybody so violent?
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353. - Indians.
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354. - Guys, my stomach.
- Sam, run!
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355. Oh...
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356. Next on
"The Civil War on Drugs."
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357. You can't run through here.
It's a Union Army camp.
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358. What the?
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359. Get back! Get back!
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360. That ain't weed stuff.
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361. - Peyote.
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362. What do
you think's going on here?
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363. "The Civil War on Drugs."
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364. Holy shit.
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365. Okay, just leave, leave that.
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