The Whitest Kids U' Know 5x6

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God Wants You Zombie Press Conference Dad Will Take Care of It Bad Drivers Hot Sister Milfy Mom Making Animals Kiss Civil War on Drugs Part 6

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1. And somebody put an empty cereal box back in the cupboard.

2. Don't worry, kids, Dad will throw it in the garbage.

3. Sorry, Dad.

4. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't worry about it.

5. That's what us dads are here for. To clean up after you.

6. You don't have to do that, Dad.

7. Oh, look over here.

8. Nobody fed the dog today. Don't worry, family.

9. Dad'll do it. Don't get up.

10. Dad, I'll do it right after I finish eating.

11. No, no, no, no, no, Tommy. You stay comfortable.

12. Dad's on the job like he always is.

13. Dad, you don't have to do that.

14. Oh, and the dog pooped on the floor.

15. Don't worry, everybody. Dad will pick it up.

16. Oh, I didn't see that before.

17. - Let me just clean— - No, no, no, Mom.

18. You go back and you keep making breakfast.

19. Dad's here to save the day like he always does.

20. Hey, look over here. We're out of paper towels.

21. There's some in the basement.

22. - I'll just go get— - No, no, no, no. It's okay.

23. Dad will just pick up the dog poop with his bare hands

24. since apparently no one in this family

25. can do anything for themselves.

26. Dad, don't pick that up.

27. - You don't have to do that. - Richard.

28. Oh, look over there. We're out of trash bags.

29. There's some in the other drawer.

30. No, no, it's okay.

31. Dad will just put the dog poop

32. in the pocket of his nice dress shirt.

33. You know, the one he was gonna wear

34. to his big important meeting today?

35. Dad, gross.

36. You don't have to do that.

37. I sure hope I don't get fired at work.

38. Family. Always expecting me to do it.

39. Dad, what are you doing?

40. Well, I drove by and I noticed

41. that you hadn't rotated your tires.

42. Dad, you don't have to do that.

43. No, no.

44. By all means, I wouldn't want you to get into an accident.

45. Dad, I was gonna get to that this weekend.

46. Jasper, you got your doctor's appointment

47. at 4:30 this afternoon.

48. - Don't forget. - I know that, Dad!

49. People of the United States,

50. it has been 24 hours since the zombie uprising,

51. and I'm speaking to you today with a message of hope.

52. Army Intelligence has recently learned that

53. within three to four hours,

54. the infected will stop being zombies.

55. Now, that leads me to my second point of this address,

56. which is actually somewhat of an apology.

57. I know full well that I got on this very television

58. yesterday, and I told you people, I believe the quote was,

59. "Shoot these zombie assholes

60. right in their faces by God."

61. Now, I'm fully aware that many of those faces

62. might have belonged to some of your friends

63. and/or loved ones.

64. So, in light of the confusion, I'd like you all to know

65. that none of you will be held responsible

66. for the murder of said zombie loved ones.

67. I'm also aware that many of you might be holed up

68. in grocery stores and bomb shelters, log cabins,

69. and abandoned shopping malls,

70. and will not have access to outside information,

71. and thus will not be aware of the impending reversal

72. of the zombie condition.

73. It seems hardly fair to hold these people responsible

74. for whatever defensive actions they might take.

75. So the United States government will not be prosecuting

76. any acts of violence for the next two weeks.

77. That's two weeks you guys have, okay?

78. Now, I don't want any of you hootenannies getting any ideas

79. and heading down to the local skate park

80. to take out those punk kids

81. who are always calling you an old military queer,

82. like a man can't just enjoy the mere laughter of children.

83. No, this is just for justifiable

84. mistaken zombie murder, okay?

85. And I'm again, sorry about the whole

86. friends and loved ones thing.

87. And, uh, yeah...

88. Well, that's done. This plan is working perfect.

89. Two more weeks of this and our overpopulation problem's

90. - gonna be gone. - Then we can stop putting

91. all that fluoride in the water.

92. Yeah, and stop spraying all that cancer

93. - from the airplanes. - Oh, hey.

94. Do you guys wanna go down the skate park

95. to look at the boys?

96. Boys, boys.

97. Brakes.

98. Brakes.

99. Brakes.

100. Hey.

101. Brakes.

102. Brakes.

103. Brakes.

104. Oh, my God. I am so late.

105. Where the heck is my scrunchie?

106. Oh, great. Courtney's here already?

107. Okay, I have cheerleading practice after school,

108. so I'll be home late.

109. I love you. Bye.

110. Dad, why is my sister so hot?

111. I have no idea.

112. I mean, I'm not crazy, right? Like, she's hot.

113. - It's insane how hot she is. - Was Mom ever that hot?

114. - God, no. - I feel bad.

115. Like I'm up for being attracted to my sister.

116. I think I am in a little worse of a position.

117. - I mean, did you see her ass? - Yes.

118. What was that? A skirt?

119. I don't know. It was, like, painted on.

120. This house is ridiculous. I hate my kids.

121. - Hey. - I gotta move her room

122. to the back shed or something.

123. Or, I don't know. Send her on a semester abroad.

124. No, Dad, hot girls only get hotter

125. - if you move them to Europe. - Son of a bitch.

126. And it doesn't help that she leaves her doors wide open

127. every time she changes.

128. Yesterday I saw her get into a bikini.

129. Oh, boo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

130. I have to go to each one of her swim meets.

131. - Oh, Dad, she's coming back.

132. Oh, just quick. Look at your breakfast.

133. - I'm back. - What do you want?

134. I forgot my cheerleading underwear.

135. - Oh, God. - Well just get it,

136. and get out, you minx.

137. - What? - Nothing. Just go to school.

138. - Are you mad at me? - No, I'm, I'm not mad.

139. I'm just, I'm having a really hard day today.

140. Oh, I'm sorry, Daddy. Let me give you a hug.

141. Well, no, that's not, no.

142. Lacey, Lacey, Lacey, Lacey. Lacey. Lacey. Lacey.

143. Lacey.

144. Are we using a different detergent around here?

145. I don't know. I don't care.

146. I think we are. Look, I have a rash.

147. - Oh, come on. - What?

148. - Put your shirt down. - Oh, Daddy.

149. It's just a human body. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

150. It is, and I am. I am so ashamed.

151. - It's a girl.

152. - It's a girl.

153. - It's a girl. - You know what?

154. I don't think I should be a father.

155. - Yeah, I'm outta here. - Harold?

156. No, it's for the best.

157. Billy, I'm home from the church store.

158. - Okay. - Oh, who are you

159. - chatting with? - Just Adam.

160. - Oh, Adam? - How's Adam doing?

161. - Oh, my God. - Oh, well, tell Adam

162. - that I say hello. - Whatever.

163. It always amazes me how fast you kids type.

164. So what are you emailing about? Megabytes?

165. - Mom, go away. - What's, what's that mean?

166. - Carol's mom is a milf. - Oh, Mom.

167. You're invading my personal space.

168. Billy, what's a milf?

169. I don't want Adam talking bad about Mrs. Carlisle.

170. It's not bad. It's just nothing.

171. - What's a milf? - Nothing, Mom.

172. - Billy. What's a milf? - Mom, why are you

173. - always up my butt? - Tell me.

174. It just means a good-looking older lady.

175. Oh, hmm.

176. - Am I a milf? - Oh, my God, Mom.

177. Come on. You think I'm a milf, don't you, Billy?

178. - Mom, go away. - Well, I think I'm a milf.

179. Kind of like the sound of that.

180. Bonnie the milf. Watch out.

181. - Oh, my God. - Oh, that reminds me.

182. I'm going out with Deborah later.

183. I better go slip into something milfy.

184. What do you think's milfiest? My blue sleeveless dress?

185. Or that fun top with the Christmas lights?

186. Mom, I can't answer these questions, okay?

187. Billy, let me tell you something about women.

188. - No. - Billy,

189. sometimes women like to hear that they're a milf.

190. - It makes us feel good. Okay?

191. It means. Mother I'd Like To.

192. - Oh.

193. Okay.

194. You can just go on,

195. have your little conversation...

196. with your friend Adam,

197. and I'll just go in the other room.

198. - Hello? - Holy shit, Gloria.

199. I think you have an in with that Adam kid.

200. Thank you, and welcome to Making Animals Kiss.

201. Today we'll be starting with a dog

202. and a cat.

203. Kiss him. Kiss him.

204. We're not leaving until you kiss him.

205. There. See?

206. Now we have a cat and an iguana. Kiss him.

207. You be quiet.

208. Oh, I believe we have a caller.

209. Caller, you're on the air.

210. Hi, is that dog gone already?

211. No, the dog's right here.

212. Could you bring the dog back

213. and have him kiss the cat again,

214. but could he be wearing a wedding dress?

215. - Yes, we can. He loves it.

216. Mm, yeah. I'm not so sure.

217. He doesn't seem to be reacting at all.

218. How are you enjoying the TV show?

219. - See? - Oh, yeah.

220. Okay, pick it up. Pick it up.

221. Previously on "The Civil War on Drugs."

222. You gotta leave town.

223. We're gonna throw a demonstration this weekend

224. to try to keep the weed stuff legal.

225. Who's the girl brains here?

226. Don't call me girl brains.

227. You go and you talk to Abraham Lincoln.

228. We cannot waste an entire squad on a suicide mission.

229. These are our new commanders.

230. And then I just played dead

231. through the whole dang thing.

232. What's that?

233. The Union soldiers are headed here right now.

234. This will give us a chance to sit down with 'em

235. and finally talk this whole thing out.

236. - My stomach is killing me. - My stomach hurts too.

237. Must be a virus going around.

238. And now, "The Civil War on Drugs."

239. You boys just became war heroes.

240. War heroes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

241. - Look—

242. This came today, General Grant.

243. I want these boys dead.

244. Extra, extra. Read all about it.

245. Local boys become Confederate heroes.

246. Don't that be tall.

247. Well, it looks like your infection somehow got infected.

248. Oh, look at this, Doc.

249. That there's my boy.

250. People can't get enough of this story, sir.

251. These two boys are the talk of the nation.

252. These two girl brains might prove to be useful after all.

253. Send word that they're to abort the suicide mission.

254. They keep heading north to Washington,

255. they're not gonna survive the day.

256. - Aye, aye, sir. - Did you,

257. did you see I called them the girl brains?

258. - I did, sir.

259. So the sun moves from east to west, right?

260. - Yeah. - Then that means that

261. the wind moves from north to south, right?

262. Yeah. Ah, it hurts looking at the sun.

263. Yeah, that's why we use the wind, moron.

264. So it goes, "never eat

265. - skunks' wieners." - No, no, no.

266. It goes, "never eat skunks' wieners."

267. No, no, no, it goes, "never eat skunks' wieners."

268. - Uh-uh. Never. Yes. - Never.

269. - Eat. - Eat. No, no, no.

270. - Never eat. - Never eat.

271. - It goes this way. - No, you're wrong.

272. - It goes this way. - No, it goes—

273. Hey, maybe you guys wanna try doing that side by side.

274. Never eat. Yes.

275. - Skunks' wieners. - Why don't you

276. ever listen to me?

277. Thought you were retarded for a second.

278. All right. So now we just have to figure out

279. which way the wind is blowing.

280. Yeah. How do we do that?

281. Easy. Just do that.

282. All right.

283. Why did you do that?

284. What? You told me to.

285. - Why did you do that? - You said to.

286. Don't ever do that.

287. Hey, it's that thing.

288. Hey, guys, the compass says that north is that a-way.

289. - Up that mountain? - That's a hill.

290. Uh, I don't think north is that way, Doug.

291. All right, this shit.

292. It's 5:00 p.m. Let's call it a day.

293. - It's not 5:00 p.m. - Doug, feel the wind.

294. All right, we've been marching for a couple hours now.

295. Let's just set up camp, okay?

296. Oh, gross. There's blood all over the tent.

297. Oh, yeah, sorry.

298. Dragged it through some dead dude goo at that last battle.

299. Here, help me wring it out.

300. - Ew. - Oh, gross.

301. - Gross.

302. Well, I got the poles, guys.

303. Whoa.

304. - That looks awesome. - What do you mean?

305. It just kind of looks like big old mess.

306. Here, smoke this.

307. Oh, yeah, that does look kind of cool.

308. I want my shirt to look like that.

309. Oh, good idea.

310. We should tie strings around 'em

311. and then dye 'em in the blood puddle.

312. My God, they're decorating themselves

313. with the blood of their victims.

314. They're savages.

315. I must report this to General Grant at once.

316. Spy, spy, spy, spy.

317. This is the coolest thing that my eyes

318. have ever looked at.

319. Mine looks like it sounds like wah, wah, wah, wah, wah,

320. wah, wah, wah, wah, wah—

321. Yeah, mine looks like it's, like...

322. Hey, look, it's those things again.

323. So beautiful.

324. They're coming over here.

325. Oh, well, what, what do we do?

326. Are, are we dying?

327. My stomach ain't doing me right, guys.

328. - Uh, hi. - Hi.

329. H-hi.

330. We are the Pony Express.

331. Who are you guys?

332. Why are you guys dressed like that?

333. In these troubled times, travel can be just as perilous

334. as combat, sweetheart.

335. So we disguise ourselves so we can slip

336. through enemies' camps unnoticed.

337. And deliver you the mail.

338. The following is a message from General Robert E. Lee.

339. - You are to— Stop.

340. what you are doing and immediately turn

341. your sweet patootie back around and head back

342. - to headquarters. - What? No.

343. We're going to DC to talk some sense into President Lincoln.

344. Mm-mm, sorry, boyfriend.

345. General Lee wants you to lead a battalion

346. - of his finest men. - We have a battalion.

347. - We have Doug. - Hey, I'm Doug.

348. Just tough titties, sweetheart,

349. 'cause you all are war heroes now,

350. and he wants you in the battle.

351. Oh, man, again, with the fighting? What a dick bag.

352. Why is everybody so violent?

353. - Indians.

354. - Guys, my stomach. - Sam, run!

355. Oh...

356. Next on "The Civil War on Drugs."

357. You can't run through here. It's a Union Army camp.

358. What the?

359. Get back! Get back!

360. That ain't weed stuff.

361. - Peyote.

362. What do you think's going on here?

363. "The Civil War on Drugs."

364. Holy shit.

365. Okay, just leave, leave that.