The Whitest Kids U' Know 5x7

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Going Home Alone Liquor Store Robbery Pledge of Allegiance Songs of Olden Times Dead Teacher Escape Artist Civil War on Drugs Part 7

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1. Hello, 9-1-1.

2. Hello, 9-1-1? I'm going to kill myself.

3. Hey, buddy, where you going?

4. I'm just going in to get a Slurpee, man.

5. Ha. Your Slurpee days are over, pal.

6. 'Cause now you're talking to me, homeless Joe.

7. - Okay. - Now suck my dick.

8. Hey, man, I'm not gonna suck your dick

9. in the middle of a liquor store parking lot.

10. Yeah, all right. All right, yeah, that makes sense.

11. All right, so here's what's gonna happen, buddy.

12. First of all, I'm gonna take off all my homeless clothes

13. and then you're gonna take off all your home-full clothes,

14. and then we're gonna swap.

15. And then I'm gonna go home to your house

16. and I'm gonna have a quiet evening with your wife.

17. And then tomorrow I'm gonna go to your fancy-schmancy job

18. and have one of your working man's three course lunches.

19. Yeah. And I'm gonna drive around in your fancy-schmancy car

20. with your La-Z-Boy seats and your in-flight meals.

21. Yeah, yeah, and then you're gonna hang out back here,

22. and you're gonna eat corn on the cob with a mangy dog.

23. And you're gonna jerk off

24. through the pocket of your sweatpants

25. and try and get pigeons to lick your fingers after.

26. And you're gonna ride the rails.

27. Okay, okay, okay, okay, it's fine. It's fine, I'll swap.

28. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

29. All right, I'm gonna take my clothes off first, okay?

30. Hold this.

31. All right, yeah, come on. What?

32. Now suck my dick.

33. Buddy.

34. I'm not gonna— I'm not gonna suck your dick

35. in the middle of a liquor store parking lot.

36. - I mean—ah.

37. Oh boy, oh boy, homeless Joe,

38. what do you got yourself into this time?

39. All right, okay.

40. Lemme just see what we're working with here.

41. Oh geez. Wow. Okay, lemme take my gum out.

42. - Hey, come on man.

43. Oh, no, no. He tried to rob me.

44. - Oh.

45. I pledge allegiance to the flag

46. of the United States of America.

47. Thank you very, very much

48. for letting us little kids live here.

49. It really, really was nice of you.

50. You didn't have to do it.

51. And it's really not creepy to have little, little kids

52. mindlessly recite this anthem every day

53. and pledge their life to a government

54. before they're old enough

55. to really think about what they're saying.

56. This is not a form of brainwashing.

57. This is not a form of brainwashing.

58. This is not a form of brainwashing.

59. This is really the greatest country in whole world.

60. All the other countries suck.

61. And if this country ever goes to war,

62. as it's often want to do,

63. I promise to help go and kill all the other country's kids.

64. God bless Johnson and Johnson. God bless GE.

65. God bless Citigroup. Amen.

66. Very good, kids. Now come and get your Ritalin.

67. Class, can I have your attention please?

68. Um, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

69. Your teacher, Mr. McCarthy,

70. has passed on.

71. He's dead.

72. Yes!

73. Well, we had a test today. Score.

74. Okay, we're still gonna be taking the test, Matthew.

75. What, why? Our teacher just died, we're mourning.

76. Show some respect. A man is dead here.

77. Matthew, we're taking the test. That's final.

78. Can't believe we have to sit here and take this test

79. when our teacher was poisoned.

80. Um, I didn't say he was poisoned, Matthew.

81. - Whatever.

82. I mean...

83. He just seems like the kind of guy to get poisoned, right?

84. Aha! I knew you tried to kill me.

85. Mr. McCarthy, you're alive!

86. I thought it was you who put that antifreeze

87. in my large blue Sportsade.

88. And now you're going to detention.

89. For attempted teacher-cide.

90. Oh man, you got me.

91. I thought I could outsmart my elders,

92. but I guess I was wrong.

93. That's right.

94. And let that be a lesson to anyone else trying to do me in.

95. Hendricks, I got my eye on you.

96. - Thompson.

97. Nice try.

98. - And Williams.

99. I bet you think you got me in your sights.

100. Well, I advise you, take a little look out that window.

101. You don't teach for 25 years in the public schooling system

102. by falling for every hijinksin', snot nosed,

103. mouth breathing, bitch kid that wants to do you in.

104. You wanna whack me? Get in line.

105. All right, Mr. M.

106. I'm big enough to know

107. - when I'm defeated.

108. A toast to the smartest teacher that has ever lived.

109. Flattery will get you everywhere, my boy.

110. - Oh! Mr. McCarthy!

111. - Judy, shoot him! - What?

112. With pleasure.

113. Welcome to Good Morning Everyone,

114. and good morning, everyone.

115. Our top story today, days before his embezzlement trial,

116. the mayor has disappeared.

117. But first, someone's doing magic in the park.

118. Last night in Scotston Park,

119. Manny the Magic Man had himself chained to a chair,

120. had a straitjacket put on him,

121. and was submerged in a 1,000-gallon tank of water.

122. We now go to Connie Thompson, who's live on the scene.

123. Connie?

124. Hello, Ron. And good morning, everyone.

125. So Connie, how's Manny's attempt going?

126. Well, we've now entered hour 17 of the escape,

127. and although he's failed to set any records for speediness,

128. he has managed to set a few other records during the escape.

129. So far he's set records for longest escape attempt,

130. longest time underwater, and longest time without moving.

131. That is amazing. He's not sleeping, is he?

132. No, no, no. He's escaping.

133. Now Connie, before today, what was the previous record

134. for someone holding their breath underwater?

135. Um, seven minutes, 43 seconds.

136. Okay. How long has Manny there managed to do it?

137. 17 hours, 32 minutes and 13, 14, 15, 16, 17—

138. That is amazing. He truly is a magical man.

139. The magic is just piling up here today, Ron.

140. Earlier this morning he managed to summon vultures.

141. Unbelievable.

142. I believe it.

143. So, Connie, what is the crowd's reaction to all this?

144. - Mixed. I'll bet.

145. Now Connie, can we talk to one of them?

146. Sure, let me just grab someone real quick. Excuse me, sir?

147. I don't wanna be on TV.

148. I'm not the mayor. I heard he's dead.

149. Okay, well no one's accusing you of being the mayor,

150. but what do you think about Manny the Magic Man?

151. I didn't see it. I don't care.

152. I'm heading north. I mean, south.

153. Okay, well that's what's going on here today at the park.

154. Back to you, Ron.

155. "I'm not the mayor, I didn't care for it."

156. Mixed reactions indeed. Thank you, Connie.

157. And that was the dead magician sketch.

158. I think I nailed it. What do you guys think, huh?

159. Anyone thinking that was a home run sketch, right? Huh?

160. What's—what's next? Darren's here.

161. Darren helped me write that sketch.

162. Leave me out of this, Sam.

163. Zach? This sketch was directed by Zach.

164. Shut up, Sam.

165. Jim, Sam's doing that thing where he's saying

166. that we helped out on his sketch again.

167. Sam, I do not wanna talk about this again.

168. Previously on "The Civil War On Drugs."

169. We're gonna throw a demonstration this weekend

170. to try to keep the weed stuff legal.

171. You still don't have to kill people.

172. You go and you talk to Abraham Lincoln.

173. You can't send 'em straight north.

174. That whole area is crawling with Union soldiers.

175. And if they don't get 'em, the savages will.

176. And then I just played dead

177. through the whole dang thing.

178. You boys just became war heroes.

179. - War heroes? No, no—

180. This came today, General Grant.

181. I want these boys dead.

182. Hey look, it's those things again.

183. Indians!

184. Guys, my stomach.

185. Sam, run.

186. Oh.

187. And now, "The Civil War on Drugs."

188. Hey, I think I can take these guys.

189. Sam, you can't take these guys.

190. Trust me. I can do it.

191. Sam, they've already taken us.

192. If you could've taken them,

193. you should've done it back there

194. You know, before we were tied up.

195. Well, I wasn't in the zone then. I'm in the zone now.

196. Not gonna work.

197. All right, on the count of three,

198. I'm gonna take these three guys up here

199. and then you take those four guys back there, all right?

200. I'm not gonna take four guys.

201. One, two, three!

202. Man, can't believe Doug's plan worked again.

203. Yeah, Doug's a dick.

204. Uh, hey.

205. Hi.

206. 'Sup?

207. Huh?

208. I said 'sup. What's up with you guys?

209. Oh. Um.

210. - Nothing. - Chilling.

211. What's up with you guys?

212. Same.

213. - Hey, bro. - Yo, bro.

214. What's up with these guys?

215. Me and the guys were gonna go play some lax in the field

216. when we found these two dudes.

217. We thought we'd bring 'em to you, see what you thought.

218. You guys chill?

219. Yeah, we're chill.

220. You. You chill?

221. Uh...

222. The chillest.

223. They seem chill. Untie 'em, bros.

224. So you guys aren't gonna kill us?

225. Kill you? Us Indians are men of peace.

226. What about those five dudes you guys just killed back there?

227. What, you mean that crazy horse that attacked you?

228. What's up, bro?

229. - You call me? - Oh no, bro.

230. I meant some horse that is crazy.

231. Sorry, bro.

232. Hey bro. What's going on, bro?

233. What's happening?

234. So what's with the bro thing?

235. Us Indians believe that all men are brothers of the world.

236. Hey, what's happening, bro?

237. Not much.

238. All right.

239. That's what makes your people's conflict so tragic.

240. Oh, you heard about the fight?

241. - Oh, what's up, bro? - What's up, bro?

242. - Got a problem? - No, you got a problem, bro?

243. Bros, bros, bros.

244. We're just as susceptible to disagreements as you guys,

245. but at the end of the day, we settle ours peacefully.

246. Our kind knows when to smoke the peace pipe.

247. , man, that's what I'm talking about.

248. This whole thing didn't have to be

249. about dudes killing dudes.

250. It's supposed to be about

251. getting a bunch of people together

252. getting high as

253. and trying to get the white man off our back.

254. You guys party?

255. - Yeah, we party.

256. Check this.

257. What the?

258. What?

259. This is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

260. - What? - Oh my gosh.

261. Are you seeing this?

262. What's good, bro?

263. Drink up.

264. This stuff is amazing.

265. Thank you.

266. We are a nomadic people,

267. but we plant fields along the routes we usually travel.

268. Why do you guys travel around so much?

269. We follow the salmon. They're our main source of food.

270. As their breeding ground moves with the seasons so do we.

271. So you guys just get high

272. and follow fish around the country?

273. - Pretty much, bro. - That's so chill.

274. Maybe that's what we should do.

275. Just say everything

276. and follow fish around the country.

277. But what would we do for money?

278. You could sell T-shirts.

279. Or burritos.

280. Or grilled cheeses.

281. What's up, bro? You looking at my squaw?

282. Are you talking to me, bro?

283. I asked you if you were looking at my squaw, bro.

284. Bro, I can look at any squaw I want to.

285. Bro, you wanna take this outside?

286. No, bro, I'll take you outside, bro.

287. Indians.

288. Be chill.

289. Here, try this.

290. That weed stuff tastes weird.

291. That ain't weed stuff.

292. It's peyote.

293. No!

294. Hi, Trevor.

295. Hi, Sam.

296. What do you think's going on here?

297. We are drinking tea, I think.

298. Why? We were just with the Indians.

299. Well, what I'm afraid might have happened

300. is whatever it was we smoked has made us crazy.

301. Well, I think the best sort of thing to do

302. in this kind of situation is just relax and not fight it.

303. Be cool! Be cool!

304. - Be cool, bro!

305. Well, I hope things are going all right

306. wherever it is we really are.

307. It probably is. We usually handle things pretty well.

308. We do, don't we?

309. Get back. Get back!

310. I'll kill all you, you jobless dirt worshippers!

311. To the woods, Sam.

312. I think I'm gonna go try and use the bathroom.

313. Hey, keep breathing, Sam.

314. - Keep breathing, Sam!

315. - Hm.

316. This tea tastes odd all of a sudden.

317. It does, doesn't it?

318. Why is all this water just lying on the ground?

319. It's good though.

320. You know, I think maybe we should try to get out of here.

321. I don't see why. It's comfortable, tea's warm.

322. We don't seem to be in any danger.

323. Hey, you can't run through here! It's a Union Army camp.

324. You know there is another door right over there.

325. Hmm.

326. Should we?

327. Are you sure about this?

328. Probably can't hurt.

329. I guess we should go check out

330. what's really going on out there.

331. I wanna go back to the tearoom.

332. Next on "The Civil War on Drugs."

333. Why did they all just throw their guns on the ground?

334. You're the Dixie Devils.

335. You're the Confederates.

336. You're the Confederate!

337. None of us are gonna get any funny ideas.

338. Mr. Grant?

339. Suck a dick.

340. So what happens now?

341. "The Civil War On Drugs."

342. Holy shit!

343. The—okay, just leave, leave that.