The Whitest Kids U' Know 5x8

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Baby Traits Horse Announcer Timmy Future Bill's Back from Vietnam 1000 Dice Civil War on Drugs Part 8

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1. Hey there, folks.

2. Timmy Williams here while everyone else is at lunch.

3. You know, one of the hardest things

4. about making a comedy show is staying relevant

5. so that five or even 10 years from now,

6. people that aren't my mom

7. will still think the show is funny.

8. That's why I've built this time machine here, ol' Bessie.

9. By traveling into the future,

10. I'll be able to see what people think

11. is funny years from now.

12. That way I can report it back to my brothers

13. and the Whitest Kids U'Know,

14. and we can keep making this show for forever.

15. But enough yakking from me, right?

16. Let's go to the future.

17. Ow, God damn it!

18. Ah, God, ugh, God, damn it.

19. Here we go!

20. Whoa, wow!

21. The future is really fun, you guys.

22. Turns out they love swearing and farts just like us,

23. so the show will be just fine.

24. Plus, I totally banged some lady

25. that looked just like my great grandma,

26. and then I talked her outta

27. marrying some douchebag.

28. Whoa, this must be some kinda cool future technology

29. from all these neat clothes, huh?

30. Well, goodbye, everybody, goodbye.

31. Goodbye.

32. Goodbye, everybody.

33. Goodbye.

34. Goodbye, everybody.

35. Goodbye, goodbye.

36. Well, from the looks of the ultrasound,

37. we can tell that the fetus is progressing nicely.

38. His heart rate is perfect.

39. Cynthia, you seem to be doing swimmingly.

40. Hmm, thank you.

41. Have you two given any thought

42. as to whether you'd like a boy or a girl?

43. Oh, I'm sure whatever the good Lord gives us

44. will be good enough for us.

45. Well, we are coming up on

46. the period in your child's gestation

47. when certain traits are starting to be locked in.

48. And thanks to modern medicine,

49. we can influence those traits with hormone therapy.

50. Really?

51. Absolutely. - Wow.

52. So what would you prefer, boy or a girl?

53. Well, I mean, I guess a little girl could be nice.

54. Yeah, but boys are funnier.

55. That's true.

56. Um, let's go with a boy.

57. Yeah.

58. Go funny.

59. Now let's talk about eye color.

60. - You can decide eye color? - Ah, that's amazing.

61. Wow, well, um, it— it might be fun

62. to go a little exotic, you know, blue.

63. Well, I mean, we do have green eyes.

64. Maybe we don't wanna meddle with things that much.

65. Why don't we flip a coin?

66. All right.

67. Okay, call it, honey.

68. Tails.

69. And heads it is, green eyes.

70. Fun.

71. White or Black?

72. - What? - Huh?

73. Would you like a white or a Black baby?

74. That's a—that's a choice?

75. Or Asian or Mexican?

76. We have many options.

77. Oh, well.

78. Um, I mean, we're both white, so...

79. It might be a little weird if...

80. So, that's how it's gonna be, huh?

81. It's not...

82. it's not gonna be like anything, it's—

83. So you want me to put down Black?

84. Let's just keep it the way we had it.

85. Well, you haven't told me a race yet.

86. Why don't we just leave it like us?

87. Like you, huh?

88. Yeah.

89. Gay or straight?

90. That's not really an option, is it?

91. I mean, um, I don't really care.

92. I've never really thought about it, really.

93. It could be either one.

94. Um, I guess if I had to pick off the top of my head,

95. I'd go... I don't know, straight.

96. But I am such a big fan of the gays, so—

97. They are funny.

98. You wanna go funny again?

99. Well,

100. how funny does our baby need to be really?

101. He's already gonna be funny.

102. So do you guys wanna flip a coin again?

103. We could.

104. Um.

105. All right.

106. I guess, uh, heads, he will be a straight baby,

107. and tails, he will be—

108. Funny.

109. Funny.

110. Funny.

111. Yay.

112. Very good, good for you.

113. Now, would you like your child to have one leg or two?

114. What?

115. Well, that didn't go well.

116. I cannot believe you doubled back

117. on the whole Black thing.

118. I choked.

119. We're gonna have a gay, Black, pirate baby.

120. This baby better be hilarious.

121. New from Johnson and Hedges,

122. the most exciting board game ever invented.

123. Ever? Yes, ever.

124. Crazy Chase is the only board game

125. with literally 1,000 dice.

126. Just dump the dice,

127. count up your total,

128. and make your move.

129. And the first one to the castle wins!

130. - Challenge.

131. really?

132. Crazy Chase,

133. from the makers of Obey Your Nanny.

134. Wow, Mr. and Mrs. Howard sure do look happy

135. ever since they got their boy, Bill, back from Vietnam.

136. Yeah, about that.

137. Ah, has anyone had a chance

138. to talk to Bill since he got back?

139. Nah, man, he's been mobbed.

140. Yeah, he's been Mr. Popular

141. ever since he got back from the war.

142. Well, I did, and I gotta say

143. something about him seems a little bit different.

144. War is crazy.

145. It changes people.

146. Hey, guys, great American barbecue, huh?

147. Rock and roll.

148. Yeah.

149. Hey, Bill, good to see you, man.

150. Yeah, buddy, good to have you here.

151. So, uh, how was it over there?

152. Beautiful country, fighting brave soldiers,

153. but war is not for me.

154. Good to be back in US America!

155. Yeah, you really missed US America, didn't you, Bill?

156. Oh, I miss my country so much.

157. Ah, Mickey Mouse, Ferrari, Elvis Presley.

158. You see, I don't remember Bill

159. being such a big Mickey Mouse fan.

160. In fact, in high school,

161. Bill's locker was covered with Daffy Duck posters,

162. and handwritten signs that said

163. "Daffy Duck rocks, Mickey Mouse sucks."

164. Hey, Bill,

165. do you remember when I broke my leg in sixth grade?

166. Oh, yeah, I so sorry.

167. I cry and cry all day.

168. Yeah, how'd I break it?

169. Ah, Bill get shot in head

170. by valiant sniper hiding in tree.

171. Very good idea, but now I have amnesia.

172. Not remember every little thing.

173. Yeah, Bill not remember every little thing,

174. like being left-handed.

175. What you trying to say?

176. Oh, I think you know what I'm trying to say.

177. You think I not real Bill?

178. Yeah, I think you're not real Bill.

179. You think I only know about Elvis Presley

180. because I sneak up and watch USO Show

181. through binoculars in jungle?

182. Yeah, we're starting to.

183. You think I killed Bill, take his dog tags,

184. so I can come here, live fast life,

185. beautiful women in American country?

186. Yeah, we sort of think that.

187. You think I come here, lay low,

188. enroll in small liberal arts college,

189. so I can buy time till I can assassinate President Johnson

190. when he least expect it?

191. Yeah, that's exactly what I think you're doing here.

192. You know, I may be too cowardly

193. to go over there and fight you people,

194. but I am not too cowardly to kick your unarmed ass

195. at a barbecue down the street from my house!

196. Hey, what's all the commotion about over here?

197. Mr. and Mrs. H, unfortunately,

198. we have something to tell you about Bill here.

199. Isn't it great to have him back?

200. Our boy, the war hero.

201. Oh, I don't know what I'd do without him.

202. So, you boys had something to tell us?

203. Yeah, you have something to tell them?

204. It's just really good to have him back.

205. You could say that again.

206. Well, back to the dogs.

207. See you, boys.

208. Okay, now you listen up.

209. We're not gonna blow the whistle on you,

210. but if you do go through with your plan,

211. and you assassinate President Johnson,

212. that's gonna break Mr. and Mrs. H's hearts,

213. and we can't have that.

214. So if you're gonna stay and be Bill, you've gotta be good.

215. I understand your concern and I accept.

216. I no kill Lyndon Johnson.

217. You are good friends.

218. You're a good friend too, Bill.

219. Hello, Ho Chi Minh?

220. This fake Bill. I no kill Lyndon Johnson.

221. See, he's calling his boss.

222. Yes, no, my parents are good people.

223. Yeah.

224. My friends are awesome!

225. Yeah.

226. I love my friends!

227. We love you, Bill!

228. I love America!

229. Yeah. - Hell yeah.

230. I'm so glad I kill real Bill!

231. Ye— - No.

232. No, dude, that's—

233. - that's too much. - Come on.

234. Leading off is Mom Message,

235. and bringing up the rear is Future Glue,

236. followed by Shave This Way and Mother's Friend From Work.

237. Oh, here comes May The Horse Be With You,

238. followed by Gambling Is A Disease,

239. and he's followed by Grass On The Field,

240. who's neck and neck with Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza,

241. and My Ex-Wife Is A Horse!

242. Following them is Hung Like A Horse,

243. and rounding the bend now is Secretary!

244. Secretary, oh, oh, whoa, um.

245. Ah, the horses are still going!

246. And the horses are running around the circle!

247. And they are running around the circle,

248. and they are still running around the circle!

249. And all the horses are doing very well!

250. Especially the brown horse who is in the lead,

251. and the brown horse is still—

252. - Oh, we have a winner!

253. And the winning horse was...

254. That's right, he won.

255. Previously on "The Civil War On Drugs."

256. We're gonna throw a demonstration this weekend

257. to try to keep the weed stuff legal.

258. If this protest goes well,

259. we're gonna have to keep the momentum going.

260. These people really care about that weed stuff.

261. Union or Confederate?

262. What?

263. If on the way to DC we run into any more

264. of these anti-protestors,

265. we need to make sure that we can—

266. Anti-protestors?

267. Yeah, those guys you were fighting.

268. Local boys become Confederate heroes!

269. I want these boys dead.

270. It's peyote.

271. Get back, get back!

272. To the woods, Sam!

273. And now, "The Civil War On Drugs."

274. I wanna go back to the tea room.

275. It's them!

276. Why did they all just throw their guns on the ground?

277. We don't want no trouble.

278. We've heard about you guys.

279. You have?

280. Sure, you're the Dixie Devils.

281. You're all over the papers.

282. We are?

283. We just want you to know

284. none of us are gonna get any funny ideas.

285. We'll do whatever you want.

286. Legalize it?

287. Sure thing, man.

288. Consider it done.

289. So, what happens now?

290. Well, you're in charge, boss.

291. We're your hostages.

292. But like what do we do?

293. Well, I guess you could list your demands

294. to General Ulysses S. Grant.

295. Oh, well,

296. how do we find that dude?

297. Oh, he's drunk off his ass

298. over in that big tent over there.

299. He's in there?

300. That's him.

301. Mr. Grant?

302. Huh, what?

303. Well, tell him you got some demands.

304. Uh, we have some demands.

305. Who is it?

306. The Dixie Devils.

307. Come in.

308. Hey.

309. Hi.

310. Well, well,

311. if it isn't the heroes

312. from the Southern states.

313. What can I do for you boys?

314. Well, we're in your base and we have all your dudes.

315. Is that right?

316. Sure did.

317. We put up a hell of a fight, but they got us.

318. Well, I see your reputation is well earned.

319. What do you boys want?

320. We need to go to—

321. We need to go to Washington to talk to President Lincoln.

322. Really, huh?

323. Okay, okay, so you want me, the leader of the Union Army,

324. to take you two boys,

325. the most notorious warriors in the Confederate Army,

326. to have a little sit down

327. with the president of our country, right?

328. Get a little face-time?

329. What're you boys gonna talk about?

330. How it's bullshit that weed stuff's illegal.

331. Yeah, I mean, as long as nobody's being hurt,

332. what gives you the right to go around

333. and tell people how to live their lives?

334. Well, that's rich coming from a Confederate.

335. You're the Confederate.

336. You're the Confederate!

337. Guys, look, we just think that everybody should be free

338. to make decisions for themselves, okay?

339. That is what this war is about.

340. Yeah, we know.

341. Yeah, we started it.

342. I don't know why you two boys are out there fighting,

343. but I'm out there for one thing,

344. freedom.

345. Oh, well good.

346. I fight so that a man can work as he wants to work,

347. and live as he wants to live.

348. And smoke what he wants to smoke.

349. Sure.

350. I fight so that men can cast off the shackles

351. of oppression and say loud and clear

352. that no man is subservient to another!

353. Yeah!

354. Oh, my God, that's totally the same stuff we're into.

355. Freedom is not just a luxury to be enjoyed

356. by the elite and the powerful.

357. It is a sacred right to be shared by all men!

358. Yeah, that's what we've been saying this whole time.

359. It is a right that is promised to us by this great nation,

360. the United States of America.

361. You boys don't have any whiskey, do you?

362. This is the worst part of my day.

363. Oh, my God.

364. Mm-mm.

365. I—no.

366. Ah!

367. Oh.

368. I'm just messing with you guys.

369. I got another bottle over here.

370. Sir, no.

371. Mr. Grant, I think we made a mistake.

372. Yeah, I mean we thought you guys

373. were the anti-protestors,

374. but you guys are all about letting people get blazed.

375. I mean, it was those other guys

376. who started all the fighting in the first place.

377. We just want everybody to be chill.

378. Well, why don't you boys start by putting down your guns.

379. Oh, right, sorry about that.

380. Yeah, super not chill.

381. - Ah-ha!

382. Suck a dick!

383. Not cool.

384. Next on "The Civil War On Drugs."

385. We gotta warn General Grant.

386. Oh, shit.

387. Let's light 'em up!

388. They're right on top of us.

389. Duh!

390. I love the shit that comes out of a man's mouth

391. right before he gets a bullet in the brain.

392. He made y'all suck his dick?

393. Fire.

394. Holy shit!

395. The—okay, just leave, leave that.