1. Hey there, folks.
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2. Timmy Williams here while
everyone else is at lunch.
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3. You know, one of
the hardest things
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4. about making a comedy
show is staying relevant
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5. so that five or even
10 years from now,
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6. people that aren't my mom
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7. will still think
the show is funny.
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8. That's why I've built this
time machine here, ol' Bessie.
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9. By traveling into the future,
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10. I'll be able to see
what people think
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11. is funny years from now.
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12. That way I can report it back
to my brothers
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13. and the Whitest Kids U'Know,
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14. and we can keep making
this show for forever.
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15. But enough yakking
from me, right?
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16. Let's go to the future.
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17. Ow, God damn it!
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18. Ah, God, ugh, God, damn it.
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19. Here we go!
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20. Whoa, wow!
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21. The future is really fun,
you guys.
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22. Turns out they love swearing
and farts just like us,
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23. so the show will be just fine.
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24. Plus, I totally banged some lady
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25. that looked just like
my great grandma,
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26. and then I talked her outta
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27. marrying some douchebag.
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28. Whoa, this must be some
kinda cool future technology
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29. from all these neat clothes,
huh?
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30. Well, goodbye,
everybody, goodbye.
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31. Goodbye.
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32. Goodbye, everybody.
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33. Goodbye.
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34. Goodbye, everybody.
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35. Goodbye, goodbye.
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36. Well, from the looks
of the ultrasound,
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37. we can tell that the fetus
is progressing nicely.
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38. His heart rate is perfect.
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39. Cynthia, you seem to
be doing swimmingly.
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40. Hmm, thank you.
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41. Have you two given any thought
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42. as to whether you'd
like a boy or a girl?
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43. Oh, I'm sure whatever
the good Lord gives us
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44. will be good enough for us.
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45. Well, we are coming up on
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46. the period in your
child's gestation
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47. when certain traits are
starting to be locked in.
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48. And thanks to modern medicine,
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49. we can influence those
traits with hormone therapy.
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50. Really?
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51. Absolutely.
- Wow.
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52. So what would you prefer,
boy or a girl?
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53. Well, I mean, I guess
a little girl could be nice.
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54. Yeah, but boys are funnier.
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55. That's true.
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56. Um, let's go with a boy.
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57. Yeah.
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58. Go funny.
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59. Now let's talk about eye color.
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60. - You can decide eye color?
- Ah, that's amazing.
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61. Wow, well, um, it—
it might be fun
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62. to go a little exotic,
you know, blue.
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63. Well, I mean,
we do have green eyes.
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64. Maybe we don't wanna meddle
with things that much.
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65. Why don't we flip a coin?
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66. All right.
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67. Okay, call it, honey.
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68. Tails.
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69. And heads it is, green eyes.
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70. Fun.
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71. White or Black?
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72. - What?
- Huh?
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73. Would you like
a white or a Black baby?
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74. That's a—that's a choice?
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75. Or Asian or Mexican?
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76. We have many options.
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77. Oh, well.
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78. Um, I mean,
we're both white, so...
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79. It might be a little weird if...
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80. So, that's how
it's gonna be, huh?
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81. It's not...
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82. it's not gonna be
like anything, it's—
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83. So you want me
to put down Black?
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84. Let's just keep it
the way we had it.
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85. Well, you haven't
told me a race yet.
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86. Why don't we just
leave it like us?
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87. Like you, huh?
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88. Yeah.
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89. Gay or straight?
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90. That's not really
an option, is it?
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91. I mean, um, I don't really care.
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92. I've never really
thought about it, really.
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93. It could be either one.
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94. Um, I guess if I had to
pick off the top of my head,
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95. I'd go...
I don't know, straight.
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96. But I am such a big fan
of the gays, so—
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97. They are funny.
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98. You wanna go funny again?
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99. Well,
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100. how funny does our baby
need to be really?
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101. He's already gonna be funny.
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102. So do you guys wanna
flip a coin again?
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103. We could.
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104. Um.
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105. All right.
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106. I guess, uh, heads,
he will be a straight baby,
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107. and tails, he will be—
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108. Funny.
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109. Funny.
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110. Funny.
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111. Yay.
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112. Very good, good for you.
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113. Now, would you like your child
to have one leg or two?
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114. What?
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115. Well, that didn't go well.
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116. I cannot believe
you doubled back
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117. on the whole Black thing.
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118. I choked.
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119. We're gonna have
a gay, Black, pirate baby.
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120. This baby better be hilarious.
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121. New from
Johnson and Hedges,
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122. the most exciting board game
ever invented.
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123. Ever?
Yes, ever.
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124. Crazy Chase is
the only board game
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125. with literally 1,000 dice.
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126. Just dump the dice,
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127. count up your total,
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128. and make your move.
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129. And the first one
to the castle wins!
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130. - Challenge.
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131. really?
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132. Crazy Chase,
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133. from the makers of
Obey Your Nanny.
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134. Wow, Mr. and Mrs. Howard
sure do look happy
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135. ever since they got their boy,
Bill, back from Vietnam.
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136. Yeah, about that.
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137. Ah, has anyone had a chance
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138. to talk to Bill
since he got back?
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139. Nah, man, he's been mobbed.
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140. Yeah, he's been Mr. Popular
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141. ever since he got
back from the war.
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142. Well, I did, and I gotta say
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143. something about him seems
a little bit different.
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144. War is crazy.
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145. It changes people.
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146. Hey, guys, great
American barbecue, huh?
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147. Rock and roll.
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148. Yeah.
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149. Hey, Bill,
good to see you, man.
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150. Yeah, buddy, good
to have you here.
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151. So, uh, how was it over there?
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152. Beautiful country,
fighting brave soldiers,
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153. but war is not for me.
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154. Good to be back in US America!
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155. Yeah, you really missed
US America, didn't you, Bill?
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156. Oh, I miss my country so much.
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157. Ah, Mickey Mouse,
Ferrari, Elvis Presley.
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158. You see, I don't remember Bill
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159. being such a big
Mickey Mouse fan.
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160. In fact, in high school,
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161. Bill's locker was covered
with Daffy Duck posters,
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162. and handwritten signs that said
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163. "Daffy Duck rocks,
Mickey Mouse sucks."
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164. Hey, Bill,
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165. do you remember when I broke
my leg in sixth grade?
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166. Oh, yeah, I so sorry.
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167. I cry and cry all day.
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168. Yeah, how'd I break it?
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169. Ah, Bill get shot in head
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170. by valiant sniper
hiding in tree.
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171. Very good idea,
but now I have amnesia.
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172. Not remember every little thing.
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173. Yeah, Bill not remember
every little thing,
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174. like being left-handed.
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175. What you trying to say?
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176. Oh, I think you know
what I'm trying to say.
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177. You think I not real Bill?
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178. Yeah, I think
you're not real Bill.
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179. You think I only know
about Elvis Presley
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180. because I sneak up
and watch USO Show
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181. through binoculars in jungle?
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182. Yeah, we're starting to.
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183. You think I killed Bill,
take his dog tags,
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184. so I can come here,
live fast life,
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185. beautiful women in
American country?
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186. Yeah, we sort of think that.
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187. You think I come here,
lay low,
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188. enroll in small
liberal arts college,
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189. so I can buy time till I can
assassinate President Johnson
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190. when he least expect it?
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191. Yeah, that's exactly what
I think you're doing here.
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192. You know, I may
be too cowardly
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193. to go over there and
fight you people,
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194. but I am not too cowardly
to kick your unarmed ass
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195. at a barbecue down
the street from my house!
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196. Hey, what's all the
commotion about over here?
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197. Mr. and Mrs. H, unfortunately,
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198. we have something to
tell you about Bill here.
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199. Isn't it great
to have him back?
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200. Our boy, the war hero.
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201. Oh, I don't know what
I'd do without him.
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202. So, you boys had
something to tell us?
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203. Yeah, you have
something to tell them?
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204. It's just really good
to have him back.
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205. You could say that again.
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206. Well, back
to the dogs.
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207. See you, boys.
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208. Okay, now you listen up.
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209. We're not gonna blow
the whistle on you,
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210. but if you do go
through with your plan,
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211. and you assassinate
President Johnson,
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212. that's gonna break
Mr. and Mrs. H's hearts,
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213. and we can't have that.
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214. So if you're gonna stay and
be Bill, you've gotta be good.
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215. I understand your concern
and I accept.
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216. I no kill Lyndon Johnson.
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217. You are good friends.
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218. You're a good
friend too, Bill.
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219. Hello, Ho Chi Minh?
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220. This fake Bill.
I no kill Lyndon Johnson.
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221. See, he's calling his boss.
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222. Yes, no, my parents
are good people.
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223. Yeah.
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224. My friends are awesome!
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225. Yeah.
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226. I love my friends!
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227. We love you, Bill!
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228. I love America!
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229. Yeah.
- Hell yeah.
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230. I'm so glad I kill real Bill!
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231. Ye—
- No.
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232. No, dude, that's—
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233. - that's too much.
- Come on.
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234. Leading
off is Mom Message,
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235. and bringing up the rear
is Future Glue,
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236. followed by Shave This Way
and Mother's Friend From Work.
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237. Oh, here comes
May The Horse Be With You,
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238. followed by
Gambling Is A Disease,
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239. and he's followed by
Grass On The Field,
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240. who's neck and neck with
Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza,
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241. and My Ex-Wife Is A Horse!
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242. Following them is
Hung Like A Horse,
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243. and rounding the bend
now is Secretary!
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244. Secretary, oh, oh, whoa, um.
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245. Ah, the horses are still going!
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246. And the horses are
running around the circle!
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247. And they are running
around the circle,
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248. and they are still
running around the circle!
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249. And all the horses
are doing very well!
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250. Especially the brown
horse who is in the lead,
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251. and the brown horse is still—
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252. - Oh, we have a winner!
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253. And the winning
horse was...
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254. That's right, he won.
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255. Previously on
"The Civil War On Drugs."
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256. We're gonna throw
a demonstration this weekend
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257. to try to keep
the weed stuff legal.
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258. If this protest goes well,
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259. we're gonna have to
keep the momentum going.
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260. These people really care
about that weed stuff.
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261. Union or Confederate?
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262. What?
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263. If on the way to DC
we run into any more
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264. of these anti-protestors,
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265. we need to make
sure that we can—
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266. Anti-protestors?
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267. Yeah, those guys
you were fighting.
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268. Local boys become
Confederate heroes!
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269. I want these boys dead.
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270. It's peyote.
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271. Get back, get back!
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272. To the woods, Sam!
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273. And now,
"The Civil War On Drugs."
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274. I wanna go back to
the tea room.
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275. It's them!
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276. Why did they all just throw
their guns on the ground?
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277. We don't want no trouble.
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278. We've heard about you guys.
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279. You have?
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280. Sure, you're the Dixie Devils.
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281. You're all over the papers.
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282. We are?
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283. We just want you to know
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284. none of us are gonna
get any funny ideas.
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285. We'll do whatever you want.
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286. Legalize it?
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287. Sure thing, man.
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288. Consider it done.
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289. So, what happens now?
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290. Well, you're in charge, boss.
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291. We're your hostages.
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292. But like what do we do?
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293. Well, I guess
you could list your demands
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294. to General Ulysses S. Grant.
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295. Oh, well,
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296. how do we find that dude?
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297. Oh, he's drunk off his ass
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298. over in that
big tent over there.
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299. He's in there?
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300. That's him.
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301. Mr. Grant?
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302. Huh, what?
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303. Well, tell him you
got some demands.
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304. Uh, we have some demands.
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305. Who is it?
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306. The Dixie Devils.
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307. Come in.
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308. Hey.
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309. Hi.
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310. Well, well,
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311. if it isn't the heroes
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312. from the Southern states.
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313. What can I do for you boys?
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314. Well, we're in your base
and we have all your dudes.
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315. Is that right?
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316. Sure did.
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317. We put up a hell of
a fight, but they got us.
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318. Well, I see your reputation
is well earned.
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319. What do you boys want?
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320. We need to go to—
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321. We need to go to Washington
to talk to President Lincoln.
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322. Really, huh?
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323. Okay, okay, so you want me,
the leader of the Union Army,
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324. to take you two boys,
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325. the most notorious warriors
in the Confederate Army,
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326. to have a little sit down
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327. with the president of
our country, right?
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328. Get a little face-time?
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329. What're you boys
gonna talk about?
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330. How it's bullshit that
weed stuff's illegal.
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331. Yeah, I mean, as long
as nobody's being hurt,
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332. what gives you
the right to go around
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333. and tell people how
to live their lives?
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334. Well, that's rich
coming from a Confederate.
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335. You're the Confederate.
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336. You're the Confederate!
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337. Guys, look, we just think
that everybody should be free
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338. to make decisions
for themselves, okay?
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339. That is what
this war is about.
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340. Yeah, we know.
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341. Yeah, we started it.
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342. I don't know why you two boys
are out there fighting,
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343. but I'm out there for
one thing,
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344. freedom.
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345. Oh, well good.
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346. I fight so that a man can
work as he wants to work,
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347. and live as he wants to live.
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348. And smoke what
he wants to smoke.
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349. Sure.
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350. I fight so that men
can cast off the shackles
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351. of oppression and
say loud and clear
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352. that no man is
subservient to another!
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353. Yeah!
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354. Oh, my God, that's totally
the same stuff we're into.
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355. Freedom is not just
a luxury to be enjoyed
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356. by the elite and the powerful.
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357. It is a sacred right to
be shared by all men!
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358. Yeah, that's what we've
been saying this whole time.
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359. It is a right that is promised
to us by this great nation,
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360. the United States of America.
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361. You boys don't have
any whiskey, do you?
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362. This is the worst
part of my day.
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363. Oh, my God.
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364. Mm-mm.
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365. I—no.
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366. Ah!
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367. Oh.
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368. I'm just
messing with you guys.
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369. I got another bottle
over here.
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370. Sir, no.
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371. Mr. Grant, I think
we made a mistake.
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372. Yeah, I mean we
thought you guys
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373. were the anti-protestors,
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374. but you guys are all about
letting people get blazed.
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375. I mean, it was
those other guys
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376. who started all the fighting
in the first place.
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377. We just want
everybody to be chill.
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378. Well, why don't you boys
start by putting down your guns.
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379. Oh, right, sorry about that.
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380. Yeah, super not chill.
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381. - Ah-ha!
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382. Suck a dick!
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383. Not cool.
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384. Next on
"The Civil War On Drugs."
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385. We gotta warn General Grant.
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386. Oh, shit.
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387. Let's light 'em up!
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388. They're right on top of us.
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389. Duh!
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390. I love the shit that
comes out of a man's mouth
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391. right before he gets
a bullet in the brain.
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392. He made y'all suck his dick?
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393. Fire.
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394. Holy shit!
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395. The—okay, just leave,
leave that.
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