1. This is the worst
orchestra in the world.
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2. Psych! That's not the worst
orchestra in the world.
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3. This is the worst
orchestra in the world.
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4. They're so bad,
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5. they never even showed up
to the performance.
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6. - Yeah, right.
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7. That's not the worst
orchestra in the world.
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8. This is the worst
orchestra in the world.
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9. It's the Manson family.
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10. They were so bad,
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11. they didn't even rehearse
or play instruments.
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12. Instead, they just went
into people's houses
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13. and murdered them.
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14. Not. That's not the worst
orchestra in the world.
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15. This is the worst
orchestra in the world.
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16. The Nazi party.
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17. There's no evidence of them
ever playing a single concert,
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18. but there is evidence that
they spend all their time
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19. trying to exterminate the Jews.
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20. - As if!
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21. That's not the worst
orchestra in the world.
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22. This is the worst
orchestra in the world.
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23. Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot,
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24. Genghis Khan,
and Hernán Cortés.
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25. Separated by centuries and
scattered across the globe,
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26. these men never even
met to practice.
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27. Instead, they killed upwards
of 50 million people.
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28. - Yeah, right!
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29. That's not the worst
orchestra in the world.
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30. This is the worst
orchestra in the world.
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31. This is VY Canis Majoris,
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32. a large,
gaseous supergiant star
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33. located 49,000 light-years
away from the Earth.
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34. When it explodes
in the year 3014,
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35. it'll bring all life in the
universe to a screeching halt,
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36. and it doesn't even
know a single song.
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37. - Sorry, moron.
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38. That's not the worst
orchestra in the world.
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39. This is the worst
orchestra in the world.
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40. This is the Philadelphia
Philharmonic Orchestra.
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41. They suck and
they're all losers.
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42. Lick a dick, Philadelphia
Philharmonic Orchestra.
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43. This message brought to you
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44. by the New York
Philharmonic Orchestra.
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45. Mom! There's cum
all over everything!
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46. What?
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47. I said, there's cum all
over all this stuff up here!
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48. What?
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49. Why is there cum
all over everything?
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50. I don't know!
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51. This is all my stuff
for the yard sale!
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52. I can't hear you.
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53. Mom! Why is there cum all
over my yard sale stuff?
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54. Jason, come down here
if you want to talk to me.
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55. There's cum down there too?
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56. What?
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57. What did you say about cum?
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58. Come down here, Jason.
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59. There's cum up here too!
It's everywhere.
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60. Jason!
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61. Think the raccoons
got in the attic again.
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62. Come down here
if you wanna talk to me!
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63. What?
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64. I said come down here!
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65. Why?
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66. Jason!
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67. To, like, add
to the pile or something?
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68. Just come down here with me!
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69. What, are you crazy?
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70. Just come down here!
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71. What happened to
all the furniture?
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72. There's—
Just come down here!
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73. What, you found more?
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74. Jason!
I'm not saying this again!
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75. Okay, okay.
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76. I-I think I got a good idea
of what's happening down there.
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77. It's all up here too.
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78. What?
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79. You don't need
to say it again!
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80. Come down—
- What?
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81. Just get down here!
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82. All right, so we're gonna
go ahead and hook up this tube
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83. to your arm and begin
the blood transfusion.
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84. This might sting a little.
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85. All right.
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86. The blood is starting to flow,
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87. and I will be in the other room
taking an S-H-double-I-T.
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88. - Boom!
- Ah.
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89. What is that?
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90. Is...
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91. Is that a SpaghettiO?
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92. It is!
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93. It—
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94. Oh my God,
it's gonna go in my arm.
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95. Hey, doc!
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96. Doc, get in here! Help!
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97. What?
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98. There's—there's a SpaghettiO
in the blood! Come help me!
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99. I'm in the bathroom!
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100. Doc, I'm pinching
off the tube right now!
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101. Well, so am I, man!
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102. Doc, if you don't get in here,
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103. I'm gonna steal all
your tongue depressors.
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104. Okay, okay, okay.
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105. Come on, come on. Help!
Get it out, get it out,
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106. - get it out!
- Geez, all right.
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107. Look, what is that?
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108. Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs.
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109. What? No, no, no, no.
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110. Why is there SpaghettiOs
in the blood?
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111. I don't know, uh, must have
been a bad batch or something.
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112. Sorry.
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113. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
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114. There's no SpaghettiOs
in blood ever.
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115. Hey, man. I'm sorry.
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116. It was an accident, okay?
People make mistakes.
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117. I'm human, I made one.
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118. Under no circumstances
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119. should there ever be
SpaghettiO in blood.
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120. Oh, come on, man.
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121. You're acting like you've never
made a mistake at your job.
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122. No, this is unacceptable.
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123. I'm leaving.
I'm gonna find a new doctor.
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124. What?
You're breaking up with me?
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125. Yes, I am patient-doctor
breaking up with you.
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126. But I've seen
you naked so many times.
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127. I... I've cupped your balls.
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128. I... I put this finger
in your butt hole.
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129. Well, I hope you enjoyed
it while it lasted,
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130. because you and I are through.
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131. Then the quack
goes to take a dump
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132. and leaves me connected to
an IV bag full of SpaghettiOs.
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133. Oh, I hate when that happens.
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134. What do you mean
"when that happens"?
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135. SpaghettiOs,
they get everywhere.
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136. What? No.
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137. No, no, no, no, no, no.
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138. What's going on here?
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139. SpaghettiOs?
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140. Yeah, sorry.
Just got back from lunch.
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141. You know what?
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142. I don't think I can get
my transfusion here.
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143. Oh, no, no, no, no.
Got your blood right here.
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144. Get this running through you,
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145. we'll get you fixed up and
good as new in no time.
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146. Oh!
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147. Oh!
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148. Did you see that?
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149. I almost swallowed
this big scoop of blood.
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150. Yeah, you know what?
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151. That would've been
so embarrassing!
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152. Uh, I'm gonna
find a new doctor.
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153. Going to a new hospital.
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154. Third opinion.
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155. - Huh.
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156. Geez, what was that
guy's problem?
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157. Hi, excuse me.
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158. I'm trying to find a new doctor,
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159. but lately I've been
getting the runaround.
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160. It's your lucky day.
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161. I'm-a gonna fix you up!
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162. Or my name isn't Doctor Boy—
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163. Stop, I know what
your name is. Goodbye.
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164. Hey.
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165. Hey.
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166. I came back.
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167. I see.
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168. Look, about the spaghetti thing.
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169. I overreacted.
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170. I under-reacted.
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171. The point is that
neither of us mid-reacted,
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172. and it's probably what
we should have done.
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173. Look, if you can find it in
your heart to take me back,
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174. I promise I will do my damnedest
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175. to make sure that we don't put
any SpaghettiOs in your body.
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176. Okay.
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177. But you should know,
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178. that other doctor and I,
he thought I had polyps and—
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179. I... I don't wanna know.
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180. Besides, I've seen some other
patients since you've left.
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181. Oh my God.
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182. God, what are we doing here?
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183. Do we really have a chance at
making this crazy thing work?
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184. I think so.
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185. Yeah?
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186. What do you see, doc?
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187. I see a patient.
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188. Yeah?
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189. I see a patient standing
in front of his doctor
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190. needing to be loved.
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191. - Uh...
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192. what do you mean "loved"?
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193. I mean... I thought that...
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194. Isn't this what, uh...
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195. - No?
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196. Why does every doctor
in this town
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197. have to be crazy?
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198. Are you homeless?
Well, don't worry.
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199. - Over the next half hour,
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200. we're gonna teach you
to live like a king,
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201. even if you don't have a castle.
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202. It's The Homeless Show.
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203. It's three PM. You've just
woken up and you're hungry.
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204. You don't have any cash,
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205. and your friend ate
all your cat food.
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206. What do you do?
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207. Easy.
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208. Go to your nearest burger joint
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209. and start collecting
ketchup packets.
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210. They're free.
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211. Mix those with some
hot sauce packets
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212. from your local taco stand,
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213. and you've got yourself
a delicious spicy tomato stew.
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214. Eat it cold and
it's a refreshing gazpacho.
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215. Mmm.
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216. Or go sit down at
a Mexican restaurant.
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217. They'll bring you free nachos
while you look over the menu.
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218. You can eat your fill
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219. and then get an
important phone call
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220. that says you have to leave.
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221. That's another tip.
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222. You can paint an
empty cigarette box
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223. so it looks just like
a fancy cellphone.
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224. Hello?
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225. It's my boss. I'll have
to take this meal to go.
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226. Getting dark and you need
to find a place to sleep?
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227. Just sneak into a department
store right as they're closing
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228. and hide in a display tent.
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229. Then when everyone leaves,
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230. you can have your pick
of any mattress in the—
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231. Okay, uh, I think we're
gonna be canceling the show.
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232. What? You gotta be kidding me!
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233. I don't know what demo
you're going for here,
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234. but they're not watching.
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235. Well, I see people
huddled outside of
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236. electronic store windows all
the time watching the show.
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237. Yeah, that's not enough.
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238. Yeah. We are canceling you.
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239. We're letting you go.
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240. Oh my God.
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241. You gonna be okay?
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242. I'll be fine.
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243. Hello?
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244. Hey, Sheila, it's Joe.
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245. Hey, Joe.
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246. Hi.
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247. So, um.
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248. Long time, right?
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249. Yeah. What's up?
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250. Um, listen, I know we
haven't spoken in a while
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251. and, uh, I wasn't
even gonna call, but—
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252. What's up, Joe?
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253. I'm running late to
meet some friends.
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254. Okay, so I just got
back from the doctor
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255. and I got some, uh, bad news.
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256. Bad news?
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257. Uh, yeah.
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258. Apparently I have...
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259. syphilis.
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260. What?
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261. And I am calling you because
you are the only person
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262. that I've been with, so.
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263. Oh my God.
- Yeah.
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264. Joe, I am so sorry.
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265. Yeah, um, it's okay.
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266. I—I had no idea, I promise.
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267. It's—it's okay.
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268. Oh, I feel terrible,
I can't believe I did that.
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269. All right, so that's—
that's pretty much
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270. all I have to say, so—
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271. Oh my God.
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272. So, uh, goodbye, Sheila.
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273. Bye, Joe!
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274. Bye.
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275. Hello?
- Hey, Karen. It's Joe.
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276. How you doing?
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277. Uh, listen, I'm calling
'cause I have some bad news.
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278. - Hello.
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279. Hey.
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280. How was your day today?
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281. Got my business card.
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282. "Harold Asher, head of
sales at Big Joe's Cactus,
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283. Wasp Farm and
Glitter Bomb Ranch."
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284. Nice.
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285. So did you, um,
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286. think about
what we talked about?
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287. Really?
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288. You just walk right
through the door
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289. and you just wanna
get right into it?
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290. Okay, do you wanna
dance around it all day
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291. and pretend like we
don't have a problem?
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292. Gimme a break.
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293. No, I'm serious.
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294. You've had all day
to think about this.
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295. Yes, I've had all
day to think about it
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296. and I haven't changed my mind.
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297. Okay, so you want to have it?
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298. Yes, Harold,
I "want to have it."
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299. Okay, well, I really don't think
that we're ready right now.
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300. You mean you really don't
think that you're ready.
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301. Yeah, no, how 'bout we
wait until we can afford
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302. to have a baby?
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303. How about we wait 'til
I'm not working two jobs?
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304. How about that?
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305. Oh, please.
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306. "Oh, please" what?
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307. I—I come through the door,
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308. you're about to leave in
10 minutes, what is that?
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309. I'm sorry, I have a job!
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310. I have to go entertain some
brats in a backyard across town.
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311. Oh, that's perfect.
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312. Did it ever occur to you
that abortion is morally wrong?
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313. I mean, did that even
register with you?
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314. No, no, no, no.
You know what that is?
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315. That's your bullshit
Catholic guilt coming up now
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316. because it's convenient.
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317. That's what that is.
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318. Seriously, "morally"? Morals?
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319. We've talked about
having babies for so long
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320. and now that there's
a little part of you
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321. and a little part of me
growing inside of me,
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322. you want to kill it?
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323. That is so unfair.
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324. That's what you
wanna do, Harold.
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325. That is so unfair!
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326. I'm not gonna let
that happen, Harold.
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327. this.
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328. it, this.
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329. How am I gonna
let that happen?
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330. No, this!
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331. Okay, America.
Now's the time.
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332. Should she keep the baby
or not?
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333. We'll let you decide.
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334. If you think she
should keep the baby,
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335. touch the red circle on
the left side of your screen.
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336. If you think they
shouldn't keep the baby,
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337. touch the blue circle on
the right side of your screen.
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338. And if you wanna know more
about Big Joe's Cactus,
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339. Wasp and Glitter Bomb Ranch,
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340. press the yellow button
in the center of the screen.
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341. Press now.
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342. - Votes are in,
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343. and you decided to learn more
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344. about Big Joe's Cactus,
Wasp and Glitter Bomb Ranch.
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345. Tell 'em, Harold.
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346. Okay, it's, um,
it's pretty cut and dry.
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347. It's, you know,
it's a big ranch.
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348. We have a lot of
cactus fields there,
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349. and we harvest wasps and
make, uh, glitter bombs,
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350. which are basically like,
you know, party favors.
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351. Okay, now
let's try that vote again.
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352. All right, America, if you
think she should keep the baby,
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353. press the red circle on
the left side of your screen.
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354. And if you think they
should get rid of the baby,
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355. press the blue circle on
the right side of your screen.
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356. And if you want Helen
to take her top off,
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357. press the yellow circle
in the middle.
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358. Vote now!
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359. - Votes are in
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360. and the people have spoken,
Helen.
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361. Let those puppies fly!
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362. Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
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363. Uh-oh, okay, okay, okay.
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364. America, if you want Harold
to eat a big bowl of boogers,
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365. press the red circle on
the left side of your screen.
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366. Yeah, fine.
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367. And if you want
Harold to eat a big bowl
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368. of dog doo, press the—
Oh, come on.
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369. Hey, hang on. Come on, guys.
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370. Wait, come on.
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371. And now
The Whitest Kids U' Know
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372. present the "Inappropriate
Dinner Conversation" sketch.
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373. So how are your pancakes?
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374. I'm not eating pancakes,
I'm eating steak.
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375. Waiter, can I have a large glass
of orange juice?
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376. You're eating mashed potatoes.
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377. This is dinner.
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378. So what are you
gonna do today?
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379. It's 10 PM.
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380. And that was
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381. the "Inappropriate Dinner
Conversation" sketch.
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382. Previously on
"The Civil War on Drugs."
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383. We're gonna throw
a demonstration this weekend
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384. to try to keep
the weed stuff legal.
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385. If this protest goes well,
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386. we're gonna have to
keep the momentum going.
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387. These people really care
about that weed stuff.
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388. Union or Confederate?
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389. What?
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390. Battalion is currently
under the command
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391. of General Robert E. Lee, sir.
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392. Today was supposed to be about
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393. getting a bunch of
like-minded people together,
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394. doing a little blazing
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395. and uniting people
against the white man.
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396. Against my better judgment,
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397. I'm gonna put you two in charge
of a small battalion of men.
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398. Local boys become
Confederate heroes!
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399. I want these boys dead.
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400. What the?
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401. Coolest thing
I have ever seen!
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402. What!
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403. So you guys just get high
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404. and follow fish
around the country?
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405. Pretty much, bro.
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406. You're the Dixie Devils.
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407. That no man is
subservient to another!
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408. That's what we've been
saying this whole time.
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409. Suck a dick!
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410. My name is Doug
and I can cut a rug.
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411. And then I just played dead
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412. through the whole
dang thing!
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413. My stomach is feeling mighty!
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414. My stomach ain't
doing me right guys.
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415. My stomach is killing me.
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416. Guys, my stomach.
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417. And now
"The Civil War on Drugs."
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418. So you guys are
really gonna shoot us?
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419. Yeah.
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420. Really?
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421. Man, that's so messed up.
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422. We didn't do anything
like this to you guys
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423. when we had you hostage.
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424. Sorry, boss's orders.
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425. I'm gonna burn you bad.
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426. Hey, guys.
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427. Doug!
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428. Hey, Big D.
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429. Hey, guys.
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430. Hey, what's going on man?
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431. Yeah, where you been?
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432. Well, after you guys got
picked up with the Injuns,
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433. I went and met back up
with the Confederates.
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434. Hey, how are they doing?
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435. They're good,
they're really good.
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436. How's that Robert E. Lee doing?
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437. Oh, you know him.
He's always busy doing stuff.
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438. He's too busy to talk
to somebody like me.
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439. Yeah, he was
always doing stuff.
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440. Yeah.
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441. Anyways, after
everybody went to sleep,
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442. I drank a whole mess of water
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443. and then I had to
go relieve myself
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444. and I got busted.
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445. Ah, you got busted?
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446. I got busted.
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447. Yeah, we got busted
by their boss.
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448. Yeah, he was all like,
"Suck a dick!"
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449. And we were like, "No!"
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450. He made y'all suck his dick?
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451. No, Doug.
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452. Oh.
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453. Well, well, well.
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454. You boys got any last requests?
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455. Yeah, I wanna see that
soldier get kicked in the head
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456. by a mule.
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457. Huh?
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458. Okay.
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459. What?
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460. Wait a minute.
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461. Doug, if you said
a Union soldier caught you
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462. just outside of your camp,
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463. then that means that
the Confederates
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464. are really close by.
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465. Yeah, Lee's got
a whole mess of men
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466. just over that ridge there.
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467. He's getting 'em all ready
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468. for some sort of early
morning raid today.
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469. Oh my God.
We gotta warn General Grant!
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470. But these are the bad guys.
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471. No, no, no, we switched sides.
We like these guys now.
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472. Oh, well, I'm with you guys.
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473. - General Grant!
- Grant!
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474. - General Grant!
- Grant!
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475. Grant!
- What is it now?
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476. General Grant, Robert E. Lee's
got a whole army of men
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477. just over that ridge.
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478. He's gonna attack at any minute.
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479. I love the shit
that comes out of a man's mouth
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480. right before he gets
a bullet in the brain.
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481. All right, boys.
Let's light 'em up!
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482. Start with the one on the left!
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483. Ready?
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484. No, Mr. Grant,
you gotta listen!
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485. Now, hold on fellas. I got this.
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486. Aim!
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487. Oh, man, Union Army.
My stomach is just killing me!
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488. Oh shit.
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489. Fire.
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490. Doug!
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491. Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
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492. Trev, wait.
I'll take the two on the left,
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493. you take the five on the right.
Ready? Go.
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494. Now it's time to
send the Dixie Devils
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495. back to hell where they belong.
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496. General Grant,
you gotta listen to me!
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497. The Confederates
are on their way!
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498. Ready!
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499. Aim.
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500. - Fire!
- Wait! Wait.
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501. Wait, he speaks the truth!
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502. I was scouting less
than a mile away.
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503. They're right on top of us.
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504. Seven battalions.
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505. He must have 10,000 men!
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506. That's over half his army.
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507. We can't put up a fight
against a force like that!
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508. It's over!
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509. We're gonna be
fish in the barrel!
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510. Run for your lives, everybody!
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511. Run! Head for the hills!
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512. Live your lives in hiding!
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513. - Oh!
- Fish in a barrel?
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514. Fish in a barrel.
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515. Sam, remember those
guys that just get high
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516. and follow fish around?
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517. Yeah.
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518. Do you remember where
they planted their field?
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519. Yeah.
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520. General Grant! General Grant!
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521. What?
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522. We know how you can beat Lee.
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523. You do?
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524. Yeah.
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525. All right,
everybody come back!
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526. Next on
"The Civil War on Drugs."
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527. Now's the time.
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528. - Charge!
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529. "The Civil War on Drugs."
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530. Holy shit!
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531. The—okay, just leave,
leave that.
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