Tom Goes to the Mayor 1x6

Directed by

Edward Herrmann as Benjamin Kaplan (voice) • Maria Bamford as Home Shopping Woman / Sandy (voice) • John Ennis as Factory Owner (voice) • Bob Odenkirk as Slimed (voice)

The mayor has Tom purchase porcelain birds because he believes that they will immediately increase in value. Tom wants to use the money to save the bird sanctuary. When the porcelain birds turn out to be worthless, the mayor has them bronzed.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - UNH!

2. - HI. I'M THE MAYOR,

3. AND MY DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN FOR YOUUUUU!

4. - MY NAME IS TOM PETERS, AND I'M FULL OF IDEAS.

5. - COMMUNITY SPIRIT.

6. - HI. HOW ARE YOU? - HA HA!

7. - SHOPPING!

8. FOOD!

9. - OH. YOU'RE ALL WET,

10. AREN'T YOU?

11. OH, MY BABIES. SWEET CHIPPIES.

12. OH. I'M GONNA HAVE TO SIT YOU OUT IN THE SUN. HA HA!

13. OH. I'M GETTING YOU ALL WET, AREN'T I?

14. - YEAH, UH, RING-A-DING-DING.

15. I'M TOM PETERS.

16. - HELLO, TOM.

17. - UH, I JUST WANTED TO DROP BY

18. AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY PETITION.

19. - OK. GREAT.

20. - YEAH. YOU KNOW, I'M VOLUNTEERING

21. FOR A LITTLE GROUP CALLED ANIMAL ACTION NOW,

22. AND WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO DO IS SAVE THE OLD BIRD SANCTUARY

23. THAT'S NEXT TO THE BRONZING PLANT.

24. - UH-UH. NO, NO.

25. - UM, YOU KNOW THE CITY COUNCIL HAS OFFERED TO LEASE THE LAND

26. FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS IF WE CAN GET 5,000 SIGNATURES.

27. NO.

28. - AND AS A COURTESY, I THOUGHT I'D LEAVE

29. THE LAST SIGNATURE FOR YOU.

30. - WOW, TOM. I WISH I COULD HELP YOU HERE,

31. BUT I JUST DON'T WANT TO.

32. - AAH!

33. - LET ME TURN YOU ON TO SOMETHING.

34. - WELCOME BACK

35. TO THE BEAUTIFUL WORLD

36. OF PORCELAIN BIRDS.

37. I AM DIANE.

38. LOOK AT THIS, THE AMAZING DETAIL

39. THAT GOES INTO EACH

40. AND EVERY ONE OF THESE BIRDS.

41. THIS ONE IS JUST...

42. - OH, MY LADY FINCH.

43. - SHE REMINDS ME

44. OF MY DAUGHTER MISTY.

45. JUST—SHE'S STAYING

46. WITH HER FATHER RIGHT NOW,

47. AND SHE PREFERS IT,

48. AND, UH, WOW!

49. WHAT AN INVESTMENT.

50. YOU KNOW, THIS DEAL

51. WILL ONLY LAST TONIGHT,

52. SO PICK UP THE PHONE, WON'T YOU,

53. AND RESERVE YOUR—

54. I'M GETTING A MESSAGE

55. FROM MY PRODUCERS.

56. THEY'RE SAYING THERE'S

57. ONLY 3 LEFT.

58. THEY ARE SELLING FAST.

59. MISTY, CALL MOMMY IF YOU CAN.

60. - PHEW. GOD, I LOVE THOSE BIRDS.

61. - I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT HAS TO DO WITH—

62. - TOM, YOU SEE, IT'S LIKE A TRIANGLE.

63. YOU KNOW HOW THE STOCK MARKET WORKS, RIGHT?

64. - MM-HMM. - THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

65. YOU START BY ORDERING 300 OF THESE PORCELAIN BIRDS.

66. - RIGHT. - NOT A BIG DEAL.

67. AND THEN YOU SIGN UP 100 FRIENDS,

68. 60 OF YOUR CLOSEST FAMILY MEMBERS,

69. ENROLL THEM IN A PORCELAIN BIRD STARTER PLAN.

70. - OK. - THIS WAY, I GET ONE FREE BIRD,

71. AND YOU GENERATE ENOUGH CASH TO BUY THAT SANCTUARY.

72. - UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T REALLY HAVE THAT KIND

73. OF MONEY RIGHT NOW.

74. - COME ON, GUY. LIFE IS A RISK.

75. - WELL, I GUESS I COULD PUT IT ON MY DISCOVERY CARD.

76. - GIVE IT—GIVE IT TO ME.

77. HMM. UNH!

78. MUST BE A BAD MAGNETIC STRIP.

79. - GIVE IT A SECOND. NO, UM.

80. THAT'S GOOD. UH, THAT'S GOOD.

81. NO. NO. IT WENT THROUGH.

82. OH, AHH.

83. - UH, TOM PETERS' PHONE.

84. - MR. PETER, THIS IS SANDY

85. FROM THE NATIONAL PORCELAIN CENTER

86. CONFIRMING YOUR ORDER TODAY FOR 300 BIRDS.

87. - OK. IS THAT—IS THAT HOW MANY I ORDERED?

88. - MR. PETER, I'M CONFIRMING THAT YOUR TOTAL

89. FOR TODAY'S PURCHASE ORDER WILL BE...

90. - $67,856.

91. $37,000...

92. - WAS PLACED ON YOUR DISCOVERY CARD.

93. THE REMAINING BALANCE OF...

94. - $35,000...

95. - PLUS AN OVERAGE CHARGE OF...

96. - $700...

97. - WAS CHARGED TO CARDHOLDER JOY PETER.

98. - NO, NO. I'M NOT AUTHORIZED TO USE THAT CARD.

99. - MR. PETER—SHUT UP, STEVE.

100. SHUT UP! HA!

101. THANK YOU FOR JOINING THE NATIONAL PORCELAIN CENTER!

102. - SO I ASSUME THESE BIRDS WILL INCREASE IN VALUE THEN.

103. - MR. PETER, THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR ORDER.

104. - EH, CRICKETS!

105. - ALL RIGHT, MR. PETERS, WE'RE ALL LOOKING FORWARD

106. TO SEEING THAT PETITION.

107. - RIGHT. UH, WELL, PETITION.

108. UM, YOU KNOW, WE KIND OF TOOK ANOTHER APPROACH THERE.

109. - UH, YOU KNOW, WHAT I DID WAS,

110. I BOUGHT A BUNCH OF, YOU KNOW, PORCELAIN BIRDS

111. THAT WILL, UH, RESELL FOR—

112. I'M SORRY. WHAT DID YOU SAY AGAIN?

113. - TRIPLE, TOM. - TRIPLE.

114. - UH, I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED HERE.

115. - GENTLEMEN, WE ALL KNOW

116. THE BIRD SANCTUARY IS IN DANGER.

117. WHAT MY BUSINESS PARTNER

118. AND I DID WAS INVEST

119. IN ONE OF THE MOST TRUSTED AND STABLE MARKETS OUT THERE—

120. PORCELAIN BIRDS.

121. WITH THE PROFITS WE MAKE FROM THIS FAIL-SAFE INVESTMENT,

122. JEFFERTON WILL BE ABLE TO PURCHASE THE BIRD SANCTUARY

123. AND OWN IT FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.

124. - UH, WELL, IF YOU WANT TO GO THAT ROUTE,

125. MY FIRST SUGGESTION WOULD BE TO GET THESE THINGS

126. PROFESSIONALLY APPRAISED.

127. - OF COURSE, AND I KNOW JUST THE TV SHOW TO DO IT ON.

128. - WE NOW RETURN TO THE TRAVELING APPRAISAL SHOW...

129. WITH BENJAMIN KAPLAN.

130. - WELL, WELL, WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

131. OH. WHAT A MARVELOUS SPARROW.

132. OH! REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

133. THIS LOOKS MIDCENTURY.

134. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THESE ORIGINALLY CAME FROM,

135. THE PROVENANCE?

136. UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST ORDERED THEM.

137. - YOU OR—THEY'RE NEW?

138. - IS THAT GOOD?

139. - LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

140. HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY FOR THESE?

141. - UH, LET'S SEE. THEY WERE 39.99.

142. THE FALCONS WERE 49.99.

143. - THE FALCONS ARE BIGGER.

144. - MM-HMM.

145. OH, I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO SAY THIS,

146. BUT YOU WOULD HAVE TO LOCK THESE UP

147. FOR AT LEAST 100 YEARS BEFORE THEY WOULD INCREASE IN VALUE.

148. - YEAH, BUT THE LADY ON THE PHONE SAID THAT—

149. - I'M NOT DONE. THERE WOULD ALSO HAVE TO BE

150. SOME SORT OF CRAZY "MAD MAX" OR "WATERWORLD" TYPE SITUATION

151. WHERE PORCELAIN BECOMES MORE VALUABLE THAN GOLD.

152. FRANKLY, YOU'D ACTUALLY HAVE BETTER LUCK MELTING THESE DOWN

153. AND MAKING A FEW TOILETS WITH THEM.

154. NOW, TOM, TOM, TOM, TOM, WHAT WAS YOUR GUESS?

155. - UH, $300,000.

156. - SLIMED!

157. - TOM, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY DISCOVERY CARD?

158. THEY'RE TELLING ME THE CARD IS MAXED OUT.

159. - NO, NO. DON'T PANIC.

160. IT'S JUST IN A HOLDING PATTERN RIGHT NOW, HONEY.

161. - HOLDING PATTERN?

162. I CAN'T EVEN BUY MY SON HIS SNACKS BECAUSE OF YOU.

163. - I'VE GOTTEN INTO AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY WITH THE MAYOR, JOY.

164. WE'RE WORKING IT OUT.

165. - I DON'T EVER WANT YOU USING THAT CARD.

166. EFFING IDIOT! OHH!

167. - OH, SHOOT.

168. UH, MAYBE THIS ISN'T THE BEST TIME,

169. BUT—AHEM—I'M HAVING SOME CREDIT ISSUES RIGHT NOW, AND—

170. - AHH. JUST LOOK AT THIS PLACE, TOM.

171. WE JUST GOT TO FIGURE OUT ANOTHER WAY TO SAVE THIS SANCTUARY.

172. - WELL, WE COULD START THE PETITION UP AGAIN.

173. - SHH. SHH. SHH. I'M THINKING.

174. AHH. BUH. BURNZ. BAH. HA. AHA. OH, BURNZ.

175. BURNZ. WHOA.

176. - UH, HELLO?

177. - TOM, I THINK I GOT IT.

178. - SO, UH, YOU WANT TO BRONZE 300 OF THESE BIRDS?

179. - WELL, YOU KNOW, IF YOU THINK THEY'LL INCREASE IN VALUE.

180. - YES, WE DO.

181. - WELL, IT'S YOUR MONEY, BUT BEFORE WE DO ANY BRONZING,

182. I'M REQUIRED BY LAW TO SHOW YOU THIS INSTRUCTIONAL FILM.

183. OVER HERE. WATCH.

184. - SO YOU'VE DECIDED TO BRONZE SOMETHING.

185. MAN HAS BRONZED HIS MOST PRECIOUS MONUMENT

186. FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS.

187. THERE ARE 3 STEPS TO THE BRONZING PROCESS.

188. FIRST, A CUSTOMER CHOOSES AN OBJECT TO BE BRONZED.

189. SECOND, THE OBJECT IS DIPPED INTO A MOLTEN VAT OF LIQUID BRONZE.

190. FINALLY, THE BRONZE HARDENS,

191. FORMING A MOLD AROUND THE OBJECT FOR YEARS TO COME.

192. - FASCI-NATING!

193. - UH, HMM. LET'S SEE HERE.

194. UH, 300 BIRDS.

195. DOUBLE BRONZE COATING.

196. HMM. THAT'S GONNA COST YOU.

197. ALL RIGHT, SIR. HERE'S THE DAMAGE.

198. - YOUR CARD, PLEASE.

199. - UH, NO. UH, I'M SORRY.

200. I'M COMPLETELY MAXED OUT HERE.

201. - I GUESS WE COULD OFFER HIM THE BIRD SANCTUARY.

202. - BIRD SANCTUARY?

203. WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THAT?

204. WELL, I GUESS I COULD USE THE LAND.

205. - ACTUALLY, UH, I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.

206. I JUST—

207. UH, EXCUSE ME.

208. - GO AHEAD, TOM.

209. - UH, I FEEL LIKE—

210. GOD BLESS YOU.

211. GOD BLESS YOU.

212. GOD BLESS YOU.

213. GOD BLESS YOU.

214. GOD BLESS YOU.

215. GOD BLESS YOU.

216. GOD BLESS YOU.

217. GOD BLESS YOU.

218. GOD BLESS YOU.

219. YEAH. GOD BLESS YOU.

220. UH, GOD BLESS YOU.

221. - TOM, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? BECAUSE IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,

222. SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.

223. - I REALLY THINK THAT—

224. GOD BLESS YOU.

225. GOD BLESS YOU.

226. GOD BLESS YOU.

227. GOD BLESS YOU.

228. GOD BLESS YOU.

229. GOD BLESS YOU.

230. GOD BLESS YOU.

231. GOD BLESS YOU.

232. GOD BLESS YOU.

233. - WE GOT A MEDICAL EMERGENCY AT THE BRONZING PLANT.

234. - GOD BLESS YOU. - GOD BLESS YOU.

235. - WE NOW RETURN TO THE TRAVELING APPRAISAL SHOW...

236. - WELL, CONSIDERING WE HAD THEM BRONZED,

237. I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAY $800,000.

238. - SLIMED!

239. - OH, WOW, TOM.

240. JEEZ.

241. WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

242. - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

243. LOOK AT THAT. I RUINED THE BIRD SANCTUARY AND—

244. THE PORCELAIN BIRD CENTER

245. SAYS I HAVE TO SEND ALL THE BIRDS BACK

246. BECAUSE I CAN'T PAY OFF THE BILL I HAVE.

247. - TOM, THAT'S NOT TOO BAD.

248. JUST—WE'LL JUST SEND THEM BACK THEN.

249. - CAN'T SEND THEM BACK. THEY'RE ALL BRONZED.

250. - SHH. BUDDY, COME ON.

251. - THEY'RE GONNA TAKE MY HOUSE, MAYOR.

252. JOY SAYS SHE'S GONNA SUE ME IF I DON'T PAY OFF THIS BILL.

253. - COME ON, BUDDY. LET'S GO SEE THAT BRONZE MAN AGAIN.

254. - HEY, UH, HONEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY KEYS?

255. OH, NO. I BRONZED THEM!

256. - NOT EVERYTHING PERMANENT

257. NEEDS TO BE PERMANENT FOREVER.

258. UNBRONZING CONSISTS OF A ONE-STEP PROCESS KNOW AS...

259. FIRST, THE BRONZE COATING IS REMOVED FROM THE OBJECT.

260. - OK. LET'S UNBRONZE THEM.

261. - BILLY CRICKETS!

262. - TOM, THANKS FOR MEETING ME. HOW YOU DOING?

263. - OH. PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW.

264. I'M STAYING WITH MY FRIEND GIBBONS FOR A WHILE

265. UNTIL THINGS BLOW OVER.

266. - WELL, I REALLY FELT BAD ABOUT THE WAY THINGS HAPPENED,

267. AND I WANTED TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

268. - OH, YEAH, IT'S OK.

269. - NO, NO, TOM. CHECK IT OUT.

270. FOUND A GOOD USE FOR ALL THOSE BROKEN PORCELAIN BIRD PIECES.

271. - OH. LOOK AT THEM.

272. - HO HO HO! COME HERE, LITTLE BIRDIES.

273. - HA HA! LOOK AT THEM.

274. - OH, CHIPPIES!

275. - CHIP-CHIP!

276. WOW.

277. - OH, IT'S GREAT.

278. - OH. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

279. - THIS IS ALL FOR YOU, BUDDY.

280. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

281. CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

282. —www.ncicap.org—